Chapter 80: Lexa

Friday morning, I woke up at five, which is typical for me when I'm training, but today was weigh-ins and my day off. Clarke was snuggled into my side with her head on my chest, snoring softly. Yesterday afternoon was much better than the morning. Clarke was even able to join me for yoga and a massage.

I just wish I could do more for her. I don't like to see her upset or sick, and I definitely don't like contributing to either. It's unbelievable to me how much I love her and the little gummy bears. I really thought that I was in love with Ash, but what we had was nothing compared to what Clarke and I have. It is almost like I can feel what she feels. Somehow, I just know when something is wrong. Even though I don't understand it. I'm extremely glad about it.

I could lay here with her in my arms all day just watching her sleep and be happy. As she sleeps, the lines of care and toil have smoothed and virtually disappeared, the red puffiness of her eyes now but a memory. Her eyelids closed against the dim light of dawn and her breathing deep and relaxed, all the muscles in her face and body are totally at peace, like a baby in its' first throes of slumber and before REM kicked in. Not a twitch, not a spasm, barely any movement of her breasts rising and falling with each intake of air, such is the depth of her oblivion. This is a body totally at peace, at rest, at one with itself. It's a body rejuvenating the mind and muscles before the onset of yet another day. I run my fingers through her hair until I drift back to sleep.

I'm awakened by Clarke screaming, "No!" while sitting up panting. I jumped up out of bed, looking around the room for anything that shouldn't be there. Once I make sure the room is clear, I sit behind her on the bed and wrap my arms around her holding her tightly. "Clarke, what is it? What's wrong?" She is still breathing hard, and her body has begun to shake uncontrollably. She is still looking wildly around the room as if she is looking for something or someone. "Ya Amar, talk to me, please. What's wrong? Did you have a bad dream?"

She grabs my hands and squeezes like she is trying to make sure I'm real. "I-I had…I had a nightmare. Cielo, are you…am I awake?"

"Shh…I've got you. Relax, babe, I'm here, and you are awake. Everything is alright."

"Lexa, he-he came to get…to get them. He said he was going to take them because they were his." Tears fill her eyes, and I pull her closer and kiss her temple.

"Oh, sweetie." I run my fingers through her hair. "I wish I could erase him and what he did to you from your memory. He doesn't belong there. He…he didn't even have the right to look at you."

"I'm just glad you…you killed him, and w-we made him suffer," says Clarke quietly. "He can haunt my nightmares, but he can't ever take our babies away."

"I'd never let him, but I'm glad the fucker's dead. He should be glad too because if I had of had more time…."

"I'm sure you would have made him beg for death."

I sigh, "I could never do enough, though. Even though we made him suffer, it will never be enough for what he did to you. For what he took from you."

"Cielo, you're doing better than that. You are helping me heal."

I smile, "All I'm doing is loving you, caring for you, respecting you for the survivor that you are."

"Which is exactly what I need. All I need is you, knowing that you will be here for me and do anything to protect our family. That's all I will ever need." She turns in my arms so that she can brush her lips to mine, and before I know it, the kiss deepens to one full of love and need. I need her to know that I'm not going anywhere. I need her to know how much I love her. She bit my lip, and I moan. She grabbed the bottom of my shirt and wrenched it above my waist. I sweep my hands up her body and gasp at how soft and sensual she felt at this moment. She grips my breasts and slides her thumbs over my nipples. I arched my back and roll her over.

"I won't be able to stop if you keep doing that," she breathed.

I looked into her eyes. "I don't want you to stop."

"Clarke, are you sure you're ready for…."

She grabs my shoulders and pushes me back onto the bed. Suddenly she was above me, her arms planted on either side of my body. I coil my hands through her hair as she kisses her way down my cheek, my neck, and down between my breasts. She continues kissing down my body as she drags her hands down my legs. Finally, she pulls down my boxer briefs. I feel her breath, and then her tongue slides up inside of my thigh.

"Ohhh," I gasp. Clarke grips my hand tight and plants her lips on my flesh. "Uhhh," I cry out. Then her mouth, her beautiful hot mouth, was on me. "Oh, my God!" I wailed. Her cries answer mine. I push myself back into the pillows. My mind stops spinning as I was enveloped in waves of pleasure.

Then as suddenly as it had started, it stopped. She gasps and pulls away, sitting up quickly on the edge of the bed, putting her head in her hands. I hear her sniffle as if she were about to start crying. Quickly I pull myself up to sit beside her and wrap my arm around her.

"Clarke, are you okay?"

She looks at me sadly and shakes her head no. I see the tears forming in her eyes. "It's okay. What's wrong?"

"I'm sorry. I-I'm dizzy, and I think I may puke. I…I just really wanted to…."

I interrupt her, "It's okay, I understand. We have plenty of time. I'm not going anywhere. Let me help you into the bathroom, and I will run a bath so we can soak for a while."

"But it's not okay. I don't…I don't like feeling this way and not being able to make love to you when I want to."

"I know, sweetie, no one likes feeling sick, but just think about why you are sick. You and your body are doing something amazing. You are making two new mini-humans, and that's amazing and taxing on you and your body. I wish that I could take it away for you, but I can't. So what I can do is be here for whatever you need. All you have to do is ask, and I will do whatever you need."

"I know you will, babe. I just don't like having to depend on you for everything. I feel so helpless and needy. I'm used to being independent, and I…I don't like that I am keeping you from focusing on what you need to do, which is win your fight."

"I will be fine, and I like taking care of you. I promise we will work everything out. We've got this, together."

Clarke

I woke myself up from a nightmare screaming NO! As I sat up gasping for air, Lexa jumped out of bed and searched the room for danger before crawling back into the bed with me between her legs wrapped in a hug from behind. She sat there, running her fingers through my hair slowly while whispering, "I've got you. Just relax. I'm here." She did this until I had regained control of my breathing before she asks, "Are you alright? What happened?"

When I was finally able to answer her, I said, "I'm fine now that I know you are here, and it was just a bad dream."

"I'm here, sweetie. Do you want to talk about it?"

I nod yes and tell her about the dream, and when I'm finished, she knows exactly what I need to hear and feel. She always seems to know what I need. So I turn and brush my lips to hers for what was supposed to be a soft, gently, thank you kiss. But it quickly turned into a deeper, I love you, and I need you, passionate kiss. Then I just want to feel her all over me, so I start kissing her, and then the dizziness and nausea hit me like a freight train, and I have to sit on the edge of the bed with my eyes closed and try not to puke.

I hate feeling this way! I don't know how much of this I can take. I feel like my body doesn't belong to me anymore. I'm just along for the ride. Although now that I think about it, I guess it doesn't just belong to me anymore. I'm sharing it with two growing embryos that will eventually become our babies. As a doctor, I know the science behind what my body is going through, and I understand it. But as a person, I don't, and I hate feeling this way. I hate that I have to depend on someone else for help. I hate that I'm so in love with Lexa that I need and want her with me all the time.

After a bath with Lexa, we order a large breakfast. Another thing I don't get is how I can be so sick one minute and starving the next. None of this makes sense to me. The good thing is that after I eat, I am feeling much better because I really want to be by Lexa's side when she walks into the weigh-ins in a couple of hours, and I want to sit by her while she signs autographs at the fan event after.

"Hey babe, what time is your fan event this evening?"

"Um, I think 6-8. You don't have to come, though. You will need to rest after the weigh-ins. I was going to ask Abby if she would stay with you while I was gone."

"No, I want to go with you. We can come back here and rest after weigh-ins, and then I can come with you. I want to support you like you have been me."

"I don't know. Those things are pretty boring, and I would rather you take it easy and rest."

"Nope, I'm coming with you. Besides, I will be sitting down, so it won't be too bad."

"Fine, I feel better when you are by my side anyway. That way, I can keep an eye on you and make sure you don't get into any trouble." She says, laughing.

"I see you got jokes today."