My head was spinning with dizziness and lack of sleep, the events of last night still torturing me. Coffee awaited for me on my desk but I couldn't find in myself to go and drink it.
Justin marched in, a breakfast tray balancing on his one hand, his other hand holding a paper. Stepping in front of me, he gave me another of his non-judgmental look. "You look like hell."
"Thank you." I muttered, taking the tray. My appetite was gone but still I ate, just to have something to do.
He sat in front of me, holding the magazine. "Illéan Times. Read this." He gave it to me, the front page already up showing a debate between who had the most potential to become the queen and also discussing what would they present in their philanthropy project. Celeste had gotten the most votes. Kriss the second, followed by Elise and Natalie. Just like the previous few weeks, America was still at the last.
"If you want people to like America, she must do well on Friday. Her idea must win people's heart."
I shook my head. "Let her be on her own. She's...She...I..." swallowing orange juice in one time, I deflected. "Did you find something about what I told you yesterday."
This was what I needed. Work. To take my mind off of all the mess that'd been created.
Justin gave me another long look, no doubt trying to assess if he should approach and talk to me or not. He nodded once to himself and decided to go with my aversion as he told me everything he found out. "Small riots are taking place. It would be safe to say in the whole country. The committee is pissed because their servants are demanding proper wages for their work and these old men refuse."
"So? Why suggest and point everything on budget issues?" Before he could answer, I mumbled, "Of course. What other way to persuade me than to suggest Mom's project was being affected due to mine."
"And that they did." Justin affirmed. "They saw a potential threat looming over their head and tried to solve it before it grew."
"That's sadistic."
"I don't disagree. Here." He waved a familiar silver envelope in front of me. I recognized it easily. It's address, FROM THE NORTH gave it away just as easily as the eight star symbol drawn in the corner and in the O of the North.
My mind, still all fogged up, tried to think how did he get it and not me. "How? Where?"
"It was waiting for you on your desk. Actually, I was shocked when I saw it in the morning and that made me realise you were busy thinking something else."
"Thanks." I muttered sarcastically.
He rolled his eyes but handed me the paper. "What does it read?"
Wanting the answer to it myself, I read it aloud such that only the two of us heard it.
It's kind of urgent so we're approaching you in spirits that you'll hear us out.
The whole country is starting to fall in chaos. It's something that'll reach your ears when it is already too late, so we want to give you a heads-up.
The project that you started was done in spirits that it'll help solving more problems, but as we'd feared since the starting knowing how the actual rebels work, the greatest horrors are just starting.
The Southern rebels are taking advantage of your point of view and trying to get all the lower Castes to rebel against the upper ones. As we'd feared, almost every Eight has given their support to them. Taking advantage of that, the Southerners are trying to make their way to you, to us, from every direction. I don't know if you'd noticed, already the king's committee is divided in two just because of their deep prejudices. Something that we were hoping fruitlessly never to happen.
Please listen us out. Give us an opportunity to plead our case.
All we want to do is fight for the right cause, for the country we love just as deeply as you do. Do not bring differences now when we need to work with integrity and unanimously.
Accept our offer to meet you personally and discuss everything.
Answer us. Because we need each other.
From a rebel to the future the country needs.
From a brother to another.
"Shit!" Justin swore.
"I know." This all felt wrong, mainly because I could actually see their reasoning.
He glanced at me, curious and anxious at the same time. "What do you think?"
I shrugged, walking to the hearth. Lighting the electronic fire, I let the letter fall in it after I memorized this message as well. "I don't know. I'm not sure. Sure, they've always helped us and been right...but this seemed a little stretch."
"What do you mean?"
Once I was sure it had completely turned into ashes and my thoughts were properly collected, I paced beside the bed. "Think about it. The meeting happened just yesterday. Totally confidential. And then you go in search of vital information. What are the odds they're tracing our steps and are doing nothing but manipulating us? To blame everything on the Southern rebels. And what could they want from us that they don't have already?" I shook my head, thinking more. "No. I don't think we should give them an answer straight away. We need to make sure what they're saying is true."
"And if they're true?"
"It's just a hunch, Justin, but after what happened with America I am reluctant to trust them blindly. They are blaming everything on the Southern rebels and Father's committee, but how can I believe them when they as well had done the exact thing—prepare us against others while making their way in from under our noses." I shook my head. Justin glared at me as if I'd grown another head. "I've already made that mistake once, I won't make it again."
"What if they're right?" he suggested, standing as well that be stopped me from pacing and looked directly at me, waiting for an answer. He continued, "Just think. You say it's a hunch, but what if we were late for all the precautions?"
I shook my head. "I know it's a long shot, but I don't want to blindly trust them. I'll think of something. A week should be more than enough to collect all the important data that may help us come to a conclusion." I mused, already thinking of how to do that.
An exhausted sigh left me. I flopped on the bed, my head feeling like a dead weight. Justin, who seemed ready to argue, exhaled and nodded, sitting beside me as well. "You're right. Let's give them a week's time. We need to be thorough." Both of us were silent then, thinking over it, when Justin sighed. "So? Are you going to tell me what happened or remain aloof?"
"Nothing happened." I said, too quickly, my head buried in my hands.
He smirked. "Try convincing yourself with that."
I inhaled slowly and exhaled it, trying to let go of my every emotion as well. I knew better than to hide anything for Justin. Giving it up, I told him exactly what happened yesterday. Everything. Every catastrophe. He listened calmly, his grey eyes giving nothing away, just as steely as ever. When I finished, he whistled loudly. A sharp note that addressed whatever happened to and with me in a proper way. One that made me wince.
"That was way harsh."
"Tell me about it." I muttered.
"I don't want to judge you, Maxon. I really don't, but yesterday, what happened with Celeste—"
"Don't!"
" Exactly! What were you thinking?!"
I looked at him sharply. "Do not expect me to answer your stupid question."
He gave me an equally sharp look. "Do not deflect it when we both know better."
My dark eyes searched his steely ones. All I found in there was no judgement or pity. Just worry. For me. I knew him just as well as I knew myself. I knew he was just taking care of me the way a big brother does. So I did just what I did before. Exhaled all my anger out.
"Sorry.. My mind is a big ball of mess right now."
He nodded slowly, understanding me completely. He wasn't my best friend just for words. He had proved it again and again since we were children that I could always count on him. Maybe that was why I was dealing with my panic in front of him rather than in any secluded area.
"I don't know what to do, Justin." My voice broke. "I have no idea how to make it right. I can't let her go but I can't make her stay forcefully either." My breathing turned to gasps. "I need her. I can't...I can't..."
Justin handled my panic attack expertly, though he'd never experienced anything like this before I was sure. I had never given to panic before, always controlling my feelings and channelling them through work, but now...
Justin brought a glass to my mouth and made me sip water. Once done, he patted my back, whispering hopeful nothings that my panic slowly dissipated. Once I could breathe more deeply, he exhaled in relief. "This was a first." He muttered to himself.
"I'm sorry you had to see this."
He waved it away. "It was nothing. I'm actually glad you had your fit now rather than later in front of the king. I don't want to imagine what would've happened then."
"Trust me, neither do I."
He laughed, all signs of worries evaporated off of us as we talked of safer topics. All of these—the Rebels, the Castes, the plotting, Elites—they all could wait for me till I was ready. For now I was content in talking with my best friend and brother about nothing and everything all at once, keeping all the necessary topics that needed our attention at bay. For now.
I would face everything and make it right when I was ready. And for that, Justin knew I needed a good relax. So he gave me just that. Talking me out of everything until all I had in mind was conviction to sort everything right. The ring and bracelet residing in my coat gave me confidence that I would make everything nice and better. A vow I made to them—they'll find their way back to their owner soon. I wouldn't settle for anything less. She was angry. I was angry. But now there would be no more excuses. Just the truth. I'll tell her about everything and make her see my reasoning.
Once I was ready, I prepared myself for the first task: to face Mom. I couldn't run away from her, she'll know what was running in my mind, if she didn't know it already. I told Justin the exact thing. The only response I got from him was a good laugh and a friendly pat on my shoulder. "Good luck facing her." He mused. "If I'm right, she's furious. Way too furious. Are you sure you got your temper from the king? The way I've seen her fuming now and then, I'm ready to contradict it. You know—"
"Thanks for your prep talk, Mr. Good–for–nothing."
His laughter followed me till her room, giving me confidence that I surely lacked.
Knocking on her door, I waited for her to call me in. June opened the door, greeting me with a bow. "Your Highness."
"June. Where is Mom?"
"Her Majesty had gone for some work in the women's room. I can call her here if you want?"
Did I? All I knew was I had to talk to Mom before I lose my nerve, so going to her was not an option. I nodded at her. "That would work. Please tell her I'm waiting for her in her room."
She went out while I walked in. Mom's room felt alive with all the cream walls, grey furniture, the décor and artefacts she'd collected through the various places she'd visited and all the gifts she'd received. Unlike my room, which was all dark and brown, or Dad's room which was filled with nothing but papers and documents and work things. No such artefacts were on display in his room, only outside in his waiting room.
Sitting on the loveseat, I pondered over what to tell Mom and how. I was preparing a speech mentally when Mom entered in, holding herself like the queen she was, enhancing the beauty of the champagne–colour gown she wore.
"Yes, Maxon. How can I help you?" Her words were all wrong, like a sharp knife slicing the butter. "Considering we would be meeting in another half hour, I guess it's urgent."
My hand found my unruly hair again. "Stop it, Mom. I get it. I was wrong to not confide in you the first thing. Don't give me this this silent treatment."
"Oh, is it hurting you, Prince?"
" Mom!" I whined.
That seemed to break her as she finally sat beside me. "Do you have any idea what you made me go through?"
"What are you talking about?" Though I had a good idea what all these was about.
"Maxon, why didn't you come to me first thing? Why did I have to hear it all from Justin rather than you?"
"I know it's off the topic, but one day I'm going to kill him and I won't even regret in."
"Shall I humour you," she snapped, and I realised Justin was right to claim my temper came from both of them, "and say I know that already or tell you the truth that both Yes and No apply to both the situations."
I mumbled an "I guess."
"You needn't feel sorry." This was my Mom—calm. I'd never seen her angry before, and now that I knew what her anger felt like, I never wanted to experience it either.
"I...I guess I was feeling kinda guilty for stopping your project even before it was approved by all."
She sat beside me, her hand squeezing mine. "Sweetheart, how could I ever be mad at you for something that wasn't your fault? Yes, my project wasn't approved, though it wasn't rejected either, love, just postponed. And I respect that. I knew it was so soon to launch another project that may shake the roots of everyone, but I guess Mr. Kin—" the master of projects and reports "—was eager."
"And now I know why." I muttered, thinking of that old man who was elder than Father.
She smiled at me, a smile so pure it could rival the sun or music. "Now, do tell me why did you felt the urge to feel guilty?"
"It was your project—"
"So, does that mean I have to feel guilty for showcasing my project that it almost overlapped yours or that you had to, almost, give up the work you'd been working since they start of the Selection?"
"No. Of course not."
"Then why did you feel guilty, Maxon. There was and will never be anything for you to feel guilty about. Understood? No matter what."
I nodded. She gave me another squeeze and looked me in the eye, her palm grazing my cheek. "It was an important project as well."
She shook her head, her dark curls swinging around with her movement. "Yes, I was working on the medical facilities, but that thing had already been done once or twice, by me itself. It was just an effort to advance our technologies and machineries. So I already knew it was big leap if it was passed." She chuckled. "Stavros already told me it would be a victory if I pulled off majority votes. But you, dumpling, what you were doing was a history in itself. You needn't feel guilty. In fact, I would have been extremely furious if you'd have pulled off your project to give space to mine."
Though I heard her, my mind stuck on her one part. So she knew there was a major chance her proposal will be denied. Stavros had warned her. That was why be remained silent during the whole discussion. But that wasn't what bugged me. It was the part where almost every member of Father's council tried to lure me in their trap so I could give up my work to fulfil their wishes and demands. If I had needed any other witness or proof for Justin's theory, it was it. The whole council was planning against me just because my work was trespassing their personal life and property—as they mostly preferred their servants as a one.
"Yes?" Mom said something else which I was too busy thinking to hear.
"Nothing. Just muttering to myself. So tell me, do I need more updates about how your Selection is going?"
Looking at her, I sued my lips shut. I didn't want to tell her anything about yesterday. She'd never forgive me for using any girl like that. But mostly because she'd started to love America as her daughter already. If she knew about hows and whats, she'll never forgive me for not respecting her boundaries.
But the more I looked at her, the more I wanted to tell her. I wanted to dispose everything out of my chest and ask for her advice. So, what was it stopping me now? Just my predicament and prediction on her reaction?
"Well?" she prompted.
I exhaled, mostly to prepare myself. "Things are...a little rough now."
"With America?"
I nodded.
She waited patiently. Now that I'd opened the door myself, I couldn't close it unless Mom heard everything. Sighing, I let everything out. My late night meeting with her after I came from New Asia, the ultimatum I gave her, and then our recent fight leaving out the whys and telling her only the whats.
She listened to me patiently, hearing me out till I was empty of everything. Once I was done, she clasped my hand in hers once again. "Oh, sweetheart, why didn't you tell me anything before? I would've helped you— somehow."
I chuckled and kissed her knuckles. "I know, Mom. That's why I didn't come. Even now I don't want your help. I want to do this. Alone."
She smiled. "So, is this old lady of yours allowed to give you any advice?"
"Have my no ever stopped you?"
She laughed. "Of course not. What would be the fun in that?" I laughed as well. "I'll just tell you one thing, Maxon. Do not give up. You've come a long way, with and without her. Do not let one stupid fight give up. Okay?"
"I wasn't going to give up." Sure the thought had entered in my mind, but it had disappeared just as fast as it had come. I wouldn't give up America unless it was the only option left. And even it was, I wouldn't give up without a fight.
"Good."
I squeezed her hand once. "Thanks for hearing me out. My chest feels light now."
"Anytime, dumpling. No matter when. You can always come to me. Always remember that."
I know. I told her the same. "I'll see you at dinner." I told her as I stood up, kissing her hair.
"I'll save you a seat."
I laughed and kissed her on her forehead. "Love you."
"Love you more. Now go before I change my mind and have a tea party with you."
I shook my head as laughter erupted out of me. "That ought to do it."
.
.
.
"So?"
"Yes?"
"Yesterday...I thought I heard you...you were yelling something, I guess."
"I don't remember any such thing, Kriss."
"Really? I thought your voice was coming from America's room." She waited for me to elaborate, not so patiently. "I mean, I'm not trying to judge you or something but that was something. If you could tell me what happen than maybe I could help—"
I have her sharp look that made her go silent. "What part of me saying ' I don't remember anything' you don't understand, Kriss? If there was something worth telling you I would've already done it. If I haven't, it simply means nothing happened."
Her eyes searched mine, refusing to let it go. "Are you sure. Because it sounded intense."
"Kriss! You are stubbornly being reluctant to understand something basic. I'm sorry if your lack of understanding is troubling you."
Her brows pinched together in frustration and anger. "Why are you being stoic with me?"
I inhaled through my nose trying to reign with my temper in. "I am not being stoic, Kriss. Sorry if you felt that way."
She searched my eyes, though the tightening of her lips told me she wasn't enjoying my sarcasm. I don't know what she found but she nodded, a feint smile on her lips. "Okay. I'm not pushing you. You can talk whenever you want."
I exhaled in a rush, infuriated. "Kriss! Why can't you let it go? Nothing happened." But even I could hear how lame that came out as I saw America passing through the library door, totally enamoured by the study material she was holding. My every instinct told me to go after her and clarify things between us, about us, but I held still, just like I remained yesterday.
Maybe I was all fazed and stoic today.
Kriss heard the timbre in my voice, too, though she didn't see the reason. "Okay." She repeated, her smile too bright.
Though I had made peace with my guilt by Mom's advice, I was nowhere near to accept what happened with America yesterday. The whole day I had tried to find excuses to talk with her but everything either I chickened out at the last minute or she was busy so I didn't approach her. As a result, my temper was barely reigned in, and I found myself snapping at every other person. For now, Kriss was facing my wrath.
We walked around in the library, where I was helping her collect some records that she thought would be helpful. She'd sent me a letter requesting my assistance. Not having anything to do, and nor wanting to stay alone, I'd accepted it then. Now, I wanted to go already.
Yesterday, though I was with Celeste, deep inside I thought I felt I was cheating on her even if everything was unclear for now. And now I was with Kriss.
Did America see me with her? What will she think? Will she think ill of me or take it as the part of duty I had to all these girls? Will she accept my reasoning if I give her any?
Will she ask me why I did what I'd done?
Dammit! Instead of accusing me yesterday, why didn't she ask me all those questions I wanted to answer her! Things would be so simple if she did just that.
Kriss kept talking, thinking I was with her. I was. But just physically. Mentally I was with America, in a parallel world where there were no misunderstandings or issues between us. Where she kept on being a part of this Selection even when she knew she was the only one who held my heart and owned it.
"Maxon!" It wasn't Kriss's voice that approached me.
Looking up from the piles of book I wasn't reading, I saw Celeste standing there, a couple books held in her hands, a victorious smirk on her rather composed face. She was totally unfazed. In her red dress and gold jewellery, she looked completely opposite of the Celeste I saw yesterday. I felt my insides boiling up with the shame.
"Celeste."
"What are you doing here?" she chuckled. "Please don't say we will also be competing you."
Kriss laughed. "Just imagine if be would be." She shook her head, as if clearing that image. "I'm sure if you do, none of us will be able to compete you."
"Um, thanks." I mumbled.
Kriss laughed at my uneasiness and looked at Celeste. "Maxon is helping me with some data I was having trouble finding in."
"I thought you were completed already, Kriss."
I could feel the fury radiating off of both of them.
Kriss looked directly in her eyes. "I won't be finished till the last moment." She turned to me, the fury melting right away. "Right, Maxon?"
"Very." Why did I feel they weren't talking about the project but rather personal. I turned to Celeste. "Do you need any help, my dear?"
She started playing with a lock of her hair that had released from her hairdo. "Um, for now, no. Though, if you don't mind, can I contact you later if I need any?"
I nodded. "I'll see if I could help you when needed."
She put a hand on my shoulder. "Thanks, Maxon. I really appreciate it."
I gave her another nod and turned to those awaiting books. She took the signal and walked away.
Once alone again, Kriss whisper-yelled, "What was all that about?"
"What?"
She rolled her eyes as if I was insane. "You asking her if she needs help? I thought you were here for me."
"Kriss, I have not one but five Elites. I thought you understood that I won't give just any one personal attention. All of you get the equal parts of me."
Her eyes flashed. Something sparked in them—true anger.
"What about us, Maxon? You get to take about all our parts, you get to choose us, but if we ask for your company than the rules change just because we all have you for now?"
"Kriss—"
"Tell me if I'm wrong, Your Highness!"
My barely controlled temper unleashed. "Yes. You're very much wrong! You're taking it in the wrong way!"
" Really? You refuse to tell me anything about you! The whole time you were with me today, you were distracted. The only time you weren't was when we were discussing America. And you tell me that I'm wrong. Please explain me how and why, then."
"Kriss..."
"Maxon. I really like you. I do. But how can you expect me to be happy if you're reluctant to open up about anything to me. Why can't you discuss just about anything with me?"
I sighed, exhausted. "You're overstretching things, Kriss."
"Am I?" I think her nose flared with her increasing anger. "Then tell me what are you hiding from me? Why were you yelling yesterday in America's room?"
"I wasn't—"
She stood up. "I guess I got what I was looking for, Maxon. Thanks for your help, though."
Without waiting for my reply, she stormed out. Not once did she looked back when I called her. Scowling, I slumped in the chair. These women of my life ought to give me some time to explain me!
Alone, I pondered about what Kriss said. Was she right?
No!
It was my Selection. Yes, they were the ones who have to change every little thing, but I was sacrificing much more than that. Hell, I was ready to make a girl my wife, and a princess as well. I had so much to lose while they have so much to gain. They can't blame it upon me if they think I'm being irrational by giving each and everyone equal time. I was just being thorough.
No. It was Kriss who was getting paranoid. She knew I like America. Then why was she always trying to get to know the details that she wasn't related to? Why was she always digging for information? I gave almost everyone equal time, took everyone on dates, all planned for their comfort, and I am the culprit here?
She had crossed a line today.
.
.
.
I was seated in my room, looking through another set of papers Justin had retrieved from somewhere for me, when a knock on my door reverberated.
Looking up, I found Officer Kent German standing on my door. I welcomed him in and urged him to sit on the chair. "I hear you've become a father." I said once he'd settled on the chair.
"Yes, sir. My wife gave birth to a daughter yesterday."
A genuine smile tugged my lips up. "It's a wonderful news, Officer. Congratulations."
"Thank you, Your Highness."
"Can I know the name?"
"We haven't decided yet. We are confused between a few."
"If you don't mind, can I suggest one?" Thanks to aunt Adele, I had plenty of newborn baby names. She'd made all of do some good homework when her triplets were born."
"It would be an honour, Your Highness."
"Please call me Maxon. And for the name, Asterin—the star of my life."
"It's a beautiful name, Your—Maxon. I would surely suggest it to my wife."
I gave him a smile, leaning forward on my desk. When officer Leger had first informed me about the happy news to be delivered in officer German's home, all I had in mind was go debrief him regarding the medical facilities and what could be changed, but thanks to Justin I had my eye for a bigger picture now.
"Now, I am going to ask you a few questions, nothing harmful, and I want you to answer me correctly. Okay?" He gulped but nodded. Sensing his anxiety, I aded, "Relax. You aren't in any problem. Now, it came to my knowledge that your wife gave birth to your daughter in your house?"
"Yes."
"Why not a hospital? I thought you can get a bed of you book it a month prior."
"We did that, Maxon, but there was some kind of strike going on. I guess it were the nurses. Anyway, we didn't have any time so I contacted my aunt. She is a midwife. She helped us."
A strike? Nurses? Then maybe the staff as well. Which meant mostly Sixes and Sevens and Eights. "Okay. Now, if you could recall correctly why there was a strike?"
"I don't know." He shrugged, his broad shoulders hunched as he tried to recall things. "But if you take my guess, it was something related to hygiene. I guess the workers denied to clean because they weren't being paid proper wages, and the hospital was saying, again I don't remember properly, but I guess it was saying that it won't provide high wages to them. I wasn't the most attentive I'm sorry."
"Okay. Can you do something for me?"
"Sure." He hedged.
"I'll be giving you a leave. For a week. In that time, I want you to gain some information for me. You're an outsider, sorry to offend you but a commoner. You won't be recognised. Try to collect some vital information for me. Also, use that time with your family. I worry you won't get another time soon."
"Meaning?" he gasped.
"Nothing. Please do it for me. I would want daily reports. All you have to do is communicate Justin, my friend, through this." I handed him a phone, all the necessary numbers already saved in it and told him a gist about all my doubts and what be had to do and all the other things he should know about. "Remember, everything about this is confidential. Not even your shadow should know anything."
"Is something wrong, Maxon?"
This was as unknown to me as it was to him. "No. But I worry something will be. It's just a precaution, but please stay safe."
He gave me a firm nod, the soldier in him already assessing the whole situation. "I will."
"All the best, Officer."
.
.
.
It was late in the evening when I was walking through the garden. I looked up at America's window and saw her shadow, sitting at her desk, hunched up in her project. I shouldn't disturb her, I thought. But then...
Before I could make my mind, I saw a figure descending the stairs. Even without getting a proper look at her face, I knew it was Kriss. Not giving her a chance to come upto me, I made my way to the stairs by the opposite side.
She soon caught up with me. "I'm sorry." I grunted as an answer, not stopping. She followed me up the stairs. "Maxon. Please hear me out!"
"Just like you heard me today, Kriss?"
"I told you I'm sorry. I was...I have no excuse for my behaviour today. I was all worked up for the upcoming project, and then Celeste...not that that's an excuse either. Please? Forgive me."
"Fine." I huphed, still walking up the stairs.
Once on the second floor, she took hold of my wrist and stopped me, refusing to let go. When I told her to, she refused. "I will, only if you look at me."
"Fine." I turned. She didn't release me yet. "Well?"
"I'm sorry, Maxon." Her voice cracked, her other hand circling my already caged wrist as well. "I was all messed up before and everything slipped out, even when I didn't mean anything. I just wanted to know what was troubling you and when you refused...it all came out wrong. Can you please forgive me?"
"How can I do that, Kriss, when you always want to know what happened between some other Elite and I?" My voice was sharp but I didn't care. She made a mistake, now she has to clear it. "Can't you just focus on what we have and not try to get in others'?"
She flinched. "I'm really, sorry, Maxon. I never realised I do that. I guess I always seek for information that I forgot about boundaries. I shouldn't have said what I did."
"You're right. You shouldn't have."
Her eyes pleaded with mine, her lips turning in a small pout. "Can't you give me another chance? Please? I...I can't..." a tear slipped out of her eyes, followed by another. "Please don't be angry with me, Maxon. I can handle anything but not this."
Tears always undid me.
Taking a step towards her, I took her in my embrace. "Sweetheart, I'm not angry with you. But you need to understand you all can't just waltz in my life and demand every little thing.."
As a reply, her hands circled my waist, her face buried in my coat. "I'm sorry. Really."
"Shh. Shh. Stop crying, Kriss." My fingers slipped in her hair, trying to calm her. "Really, sweetheart, I am not mad at you—not any more. Please stop crying."
She leaned back, her gaze meeting mine. "I—"
My finger landed on her lips, silencing her. "Shh. No need to explain. I understand. I know you were right, though partially, but you need to understand, Kriss! My job demands discretion. I can't talk about that with everyone or anyone. I can't share my personal life with anyone unless one become my personal life. Till that happens, I won't be able to give anyone the whole me."
She shook her head. "I understand. I do."
"Good, then."
Her face relaxed as she glanced at me. "Are we alright?"
"Sweetheart, we've never been not alright. You can relax. I won't push you out."
She laughed and rested her head against my chest. "I know it's inappropriate, but can you just hold me for a minute? Can I hold you for a minute? I...I just need it. I—I thought I'd lost you—"
Without listening to her reasoning, I wound my hands around her. "Anything you want."
"Thank you."
I said nothing, my eyes landing on the garden that seemed to be witnessing me. Us. The things that were of America's made holes in my jacket as I held Kriss, reminding me of my vow I made to them and how I wasn't putting any effort in it.
My eyes shifted to the door behind which America was probably trying to work on her project—if she wasn't of the mindset already that not working would definitely push her out. I won't allow that. But I didn't trust her either in this. I'd seen in her eyes how determined she was to leave. I wouldn't put past her if she really was trying to create herself to get eliminated.
Here, in my arms, Kriss shifted and looked up at me. I couldn't meet her eyes, so I looked once again at the private garden which held so many memories.
The knots were tangling further rather than untangling. And I was getting deeper and deeper into the whole mess, not knowing how to make my way out.
How will I make everything alright?