Guys I've thought long and hard about this chapter, which I didn't do with the others….

And I'm sorry, but this is just how it has to be..

I X OWN X NOTHING

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"K.k.Killu..." Gon stuttered,

causing Hisoka to look at

his newest lover in fear

only to be replaced with

understanding and true

admiration as his eyeso

landed on Killua's right hand

covered in blood, then finally

to where Illumi's head lay

by the silver haired hunters

feet...

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It had been four days.. Killua would have stayed standing in the kitchen frozen in time if Gon had not had Hisoka move him to the bed. Gon had cleaned Killua with a sponge the first night, ridding him of the blood from his brothers body, and changed his clothes for him, insisting he be the one to do it and that Hisoka not help at all. Begrudgingly Hisoka set about cleaning his best friends death scene. Feeling more and more as he went about it… the loss of his only friend, the near loss of the only thing Hisoka had ever loved, and now the distance placed between them already..and added irritation at having to scrub the blood from his floors. After all, he wasn't the one who made the mess. He was beginning to wonder why one night with this inadequate assassin seemed worth all this trouble in the first place. Sure he did it for Gon, but already Gon is pushing him away… and it's not as if the boy is dead, he's only sad….. although he can't understand why, to him Gon was worth killing anyone, hell he will end Killua's life himself if he loses Gon over this.

Four days went by and Gon had hardly left the broken boys side. That was the only way to describe him now.. he was broken, taking his brothers life had all but ended his, he hadn't even gotten up to use the bathroom..

Lost in his thoughts he almost didn't hear the ring of the phone. "Hello." Hisoka answered the call from an unknown number. "Master Killua?" The tiny feminine voice on the phone sang out "It's canary, master Killua.". "What do you need?" Hisoka tried sounding like Killua did when speaking to his family staff. "Your father requests your presence immediately sir. Your brother Illumi has Gon missing." Hisoka paused trying to think of a response, settling on hanging up the phone instead and staring at it as if it would ring again.

Gon chose this moment to come out of the room looking for something to eat, when he noticed Hisoka was holding Killua's phone. Assuming he was sad for the silver haired zoldyck, and knowing his keeping him at arms length must be wearing on the magician, Gon walked over and embraced him, softly at first but then he began hanging on Hisoka sobbing into his chest, clutching at the man for dear life. Hisoka just stood there holding Gon as he cried. He may not be skilled in the art of comfort, but he did truly love this sobbing mess clinging to him.

It seemed like hours before gons crying eased up, and Hisoka spoke "the zoldyck family butler called, some little bird." He said slowly as if trying not to spook Gon

"H. Her name is can c.canary." Gon sniffled. "W.What did she w.want" he finished looking up at Hisoka with his big sad brown eyes.

"She said they need Killua home right away…" he paused not wanting to speak the rest out loud. Gon just continued to stare until he did. "Because Illumi has gone missing." He broke eye contact not being able to hold gons gaze anymore. 'He feels to much' Hisoka thought.

"They're going to kill him, we have to go with him." Gon said as if it were that easy. Hisoka hasn't been allowed inside the estate for some time.

"Gon, I'm not welcome there.." he said blankly "Not since Zeno walked in on Illumi and I together."

"What.." Gon deadpanned

"We were young, and experimenting. I did say he was my only friend." Hisoka finished darkly, not being able to contain his emotions

"I'm going to go tell him" Gon said releasing Hisoka finally and walking back to the bedroom without another word.

—————fast forward—————-

Killua just went through the testing gate, deciding he needed a little more time before he saw his family, after all he was either going to tell them the truth or lie, and since he still hadn't decided which he was taking this time to play out different scenarios in his head.

He walked alone in silent frustration, having insisted that Gon and Hisoka not come with him. Now he wished he had at least had Gon with him. He pulled out his phone and sent said hunter a text letting him know he was walking up to the door and that he would text him again later on. Then he put his phone in his pocket, took a deep breath and pushed the heavy door open.

——————-fast forward——————

He had lied.. said he hadn't heard from him told them they were supposed to meet for dinner and he never showed up. Killua had never felt lower. Murdered his brother in cold blood. Sure he saved Gon. He probably could have done that without killing Illumi. He could have cut his hand off easier than his head…but he didn't. On top of that he was drowning in his cowardice… the fight was legal within the family rules. They were outside of the mountain, and it was fair, a life was threatened and a life was taken.

So why does he feel so empty,

why did he lie…

Why is it hurting to breath.

Everything feels like nothing,

But also it feels like too much…

His head is spinning as he walks further and further from his home. He has to make it off the island at least. Has to get on a boat and head back to Gon. Whatever is wrong with him, Gon can fix it Killua is certain.

The rest of the walk is a daze. He almost doesn't notice as he boards the boat or pays for his ticket back to Gon. He requests a private room, and as soon as he gets there he closed and locked the door, collapsing onto the floor finally being able to break down.

Ten days, that's how long the boat trip is. Killua never left his cabin. On the fourth day he went into the bathroom, to look at the face of his brothers killer, not being able to look at himself any longer he slammed his palm into the mirror shattering it and leaving a deep gash where his hand met his wrist. Killua just stood there watching the blood run from his hand until it stoped bleeding on its own, and then he stared some more. Unmoving.

After sometime with no real reason other than to feel something other than his emotions Killua picked up a piece of glass and sliced open four inches of skin along his forearm.

—-———fast forward————-

When Killua got back to Heavens Arena he had told Gon he wanted to stay in his room instead of Hisoka's. Gon had insisted on staying with him, promising to visit Hisoka often.

Hisoka was more than irritated now. It has been nearly a month since Killua returned and he had only seen Gon twice, both times were at the fights in order to maintain their rooms and status. Killua had gotten no better and Hisoka was growing to truly hate the other hunter. He killed his only friend and then took away the only other person he had, unintentional or not, Hisoka was not known for his patience.

He decided to go to see Gon and Killua tonight at their room. Getting up to dress in his favorite costume and putting his makeup perfectly in place he headed down to the 250th floor where he could find their shared room.

Without knocking, Hisoka checked to see if it was unlocked. Finding it open he stepped inside to find Killua sitting in his bed cutting deep into the skin of his thighs. Forgetting his hatred for the time he slowly walked over and took a seat on the bed directly in front of him. Hisoka couldn't explain it, but he felt now looking at this broken boy in front of him, that for Illumi's sake he had to protect him the way Illumi would.

"Killu.. why are you doing this?" Hisoka asked tensely. Killua didn't look up, but he did start to drag his blade across his skin again before Hisoka reached out and snatched it away. At which point Killua looked up as if he had just now realized Hisoka was there. Shock written clear on his face at being found out.

"Don't tell Gon." Killua demanded, standing up and going to the bathroom. Hisoka stood and followed him, pushing the bathroom door open to see Killua washing the blood away and using his nen to cauterize the deeper cuts.

"I'll ask again then, why are you doing this?" Hisoka deadpanned clearly not willing to let this go.

"Why do you care Hisoka, you haven't come to see me at all. And I know why, I don't even blame you…." Killua said sadly " I killed him, but it wasn't necessary, and you know it." Killua finished hoping to ensure hisokas wrath.. the pain of cutting himself didn't seem to be enough to dull the ache in his heart anymore. Just maybe he could get Hisoka to kill him. Killua thought to himself.

"Why are you doing this Killua, I won't ask again." Hisoka said threateningly. "I will tell Gon, if you don't answer me." He adding hoping it would convince the bloody hunter.

Killua looked up his eyes showing no emotion at all, much like Illumi's, but instead of black pools they were icy and blue. "I thought Gon could fix me… that he could make me happy again, but I was wrong" Killua paused taking a deep breath. "I can't keep living, not without Illumi… I don't deserve to be here without him." Killua spoke honestly.

"Illumi would not want this Killua. He prided himself on his ability to keep you safe."

"…."

"Gon could help you if you told him what you were really feeling." Hisoka continued "if you really let him… I could help too if you let me."

Killua moved forward with his eyes on the ground until he stood directly in front of Hisoka, then he leaning forward wrapping his arms around the magician. Hisoka placed a hand on his back and another in his mess of hair and wondered to himself how he kept ending up consoling crying hunters.

Hisoka was growing tired of standing so he lifted Killua off the floor without ending their embrace and moved to lay on the bed. Hisoka moved up to sit against the headboard and Killua crawled up his body to continue clinging to the red head. Hisoka had sat there for a few hours now, petting Killua's head while he drifted in and out of sleep. It wasn't until Hisoka found himself drifting off as well that Gon walked in the door.

Hisoka lifted one eyelid to look to where Gon was standing, surprised to find him here cuddling the young man with silver hair.

"Gon" Hisoka said quiet enough to not wake the one sleeping in him.

"Hisoka, what happened? Why are you here? Is Killua ok?" Gon asked voice full of worry.

"No, he is not ok. I came to see you two and when I got here, he was cutting himself." The magician whispered allowing Gon the time he needed to absorb what he has said. "He needs help Gon"

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Ok that's the end of the chapter. My brain hurts.

I hope you liked it.

Or whatever.

Feel free to leave all the feedback you can!!!!

Tune back in next week to find out what happens!