I X OWN X NOTHING

this chapter will be all Gon all the time. Sorry but he needs a chance to get his shit together guys.

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Gon had been on whale island for months. He was growing restless, he could feel Hisoka's nen. He just couldn't find him. He spent all his time looking. Maybe it was time he gave up. Gon sat in a clearing in the woods near his home. Between kurapika, leorio and mito it was hard to find even a moment to himself. So here he sat.

The forest was cold and dark, the leaves had long since fallen and crumbled to dust. There had been no snow yet this winter. Gon sat in the center of the clearing, looking up at the sky. He knew it was his fault. Hisoka couldn't have stopped Killua even if he had been there. Now not only had he lost his best friend, but in his clouded anger he threw his boyfriend away. And in return, he has received death almost every day.

"HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO FIX THIS!!!" Gon screamed out to the trees. He fell back with a heavy sigh. 'I miss him, but he's done so many terrible things. What if I don't know what to do when I find him…' Gon thought to himself with a groan. "This would be so much easier if I didn't love him.." he said to no one as a lone tear slide down his cheek before he angrily wiped it away.

Gon had been training everyday to prepare for when he finds Hisoka. Only every day it seems like the list of people he left dead gets longer and longer. Gon had taken up reciting their names to ensure he doesn't forget why he has to kill the magician. Pushing himself up from the dirt, he decided to run another lap around the island.

Saying the names of his dead friends under his breath. "Zushi, Wing, Knuckle, Shoot, Pariston, Ging, Bisky, Pom and Ikalgo" he finished repeating as he jogged up from the beach. His run time around the island is two minutes shorter than when he first got back. Walking back to his home he passed the neighbors house and got a strange feeling. 'I haven't seen them out the whole time I've been back… maybe I'll pop over for a visit another day.' He thought to himself as he put the house behind him and continued on home.

Unbeknownst to Gon, Hisoka had been following him around the island. Day in and day out. Making it a point to find out who Gon spent most of his time talking to around the village. Only Gon seemed to enjoy talking to everyone equally.

'I suppose I'll just kill them all' the magician thought to himself as he watched gons retreating back from deep inside the darkened house.

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As it turned out, asking kurapika and Leorio to stay and help protect mito was the only good decision Gon had made in the past year. It helped him to have friends around, but he knew eventually they would demand to know what happened between himself Hisoka and Killua. Gon had left out everything he could when he first saw them. Only saying that Killua had committed suicide after killing illumi. Gon figured they thought Hisoka was out for revenge for illumis death, not knowing anything else. It's important for them to know the whole story before we run into Hisoka. Gon thought decidedly as he walked through the front door of his child-hood home.

"Kurapika, I'm going to go clean up and get dinner started…." Gon said distractedly waiting for kurapika to look up from the book he had buried himself in. "We have a lot to discuss tonight.." he finished rushing up the stairs before the blonde one could question him.

Gon stepped into his room wrapped in a towel, and walked over to his dresser pulling out a pair of pants Killua had picked out for him once, he pulled them on along with a turtle neck he had kept of Killua's. He stopped to look out his window to the neighbors house and froze… 'there's that feeling again' he thought, before shaking it off and heading down to start dinner.

Gon walked into the kitchen to find mito, kurapika and Leorio all sitting at the table with take out in Front of them.

"We thought this might be better tonight." Mito said sheepishly. As her eyes widened when she took in the top Gon had chosen to wear. Tears filled her eyes before she blinked them back and smiled brightly at Gon. "You aren't a very good cook dear."

Gon laughed loudly at her admission. Sitting down and filling his plate. Wondering how long till he had to tell everyone the truth..

"Gon?" Kurapika spoke. 'Mm not very long at all I guess.' He thought as he looked up to kurapika's questioning gaze.

"Hmm."

"Well you said we had things to discuss… and I don't mean to rush you, but I am curious." He said in his usual monotonous voice.

"Mmhmm" Leorio agreed through a mouthful of noodles.

"Umm I guess, I should start by saying I never lied…" everyone at the table looked up to him now curiosity peaked. "I just didn't tell you everything…"

"Now is as good a time as any sweatheart" mito said

As the others continued to eat while he spoke about everything that had happened with Hisoka and Killua, Gon was doing all he could to keep it together as he went into great detail explaining just how illumi had died, and then how the months of watching Killua to keep him from dying only to come back to watch him die right before his eyes. Down to how he wrongly accused Hisoka of letting it happen. Finally he came to the point where it was time to admit he had been in a relationship with the magician. Watching the shock on their faces as he told them how he had loved the man, and still does. How Killua had only been his for one night, and that he blamed himself, his selfishness for not only Illumis death but Killua as well, and everyone that Hisoka's rage had brought him to murder. Crying fully now, unable to hold it back.

"I.it's a.all my f.fault" Gon sobbed out as he finally admitted to the last of his loved ones.

No one dared say a word. There was nothing they could say. It was true. This had all been gons fault. He was selfish and careless with the people he claimed to love.

They sat in silence and continued to eat dinner while Gon sat blubbering, trying to regain his composure. Gon was just standing to excuse himself to the bathroom when they heard two sharp knocks on the door. Everyone looked over to where the noise came from, but no one made to move. Then again, two sharp knocks, louder this time.

"Hisoka" Gon breathed out, moving slowly to the door. He stared at the wood for a few minutes, like he thought he would suddenly be able to see through it if he didn't move. Opening the door, and looking around to find no one there, he looked down sadly as he was closing the door, that's when he saw it, a card on the step. A Joker. Hisoka.

Gon ran out of the house, sending out his en to search for any other nen users but found none other than his housemates. Not thinking about where he was going, just thinking that Hisoka was near by, and he wanted to see him. No matter how it ended, he wanted to see Hisoka more than anything.

His feet carried him to the neighbors house. 'This must be why I keep getting a strange feeling… he's here' Gon thought to himself as he approached the door. He reached up bringing his fist to knock but stopping just before he made contact.. Gon was frozen with fear. 'What would happen now… if he answers…. We…we have to fight… someone else has to die…. Or maybe not… maybe he can forgive me, and i him.' Gon thought to himself. Then suddenly, the door opened to reveal a bare faced Hisoka staring maddeningly into gons eyes, his own golden iris's reflecting back pure pain and rage.

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Oooooooo….

It's about time Gon took some responsibility sheesh…