Chapter 4

"Fuck," he hissed.

A book flew across the room and slammed with a thud.

"Fuck!"

Like last night, he was still stuck in the same book. Each page filled him with memories, with remorses.

Zelgadis grunted to his feet and took the tome from the floor. He was having a terrible night and, on top of that, he was still mortifying himself for what happened that morning. For that question he had asked Amelia.

"What a fool! What a… ahg!"

He closed his eyes and took a deep breath.

"Enough".

He went back to his reading:

Monday 31:

This time I've used two other subjects in my experiments. I've combined two magical creatures. Specifically: a werewolf and a troll. Neither of them has enough skill to cast spells, but the magic that runs through their veins makes them stronger. They harbor unique properties. This time, the experiment has been a success. Dilgear has the reflexes of the wolf and the stamina of a monster. Moreover, he hardly suffered any negative effects. I think I'm one step closer to the perfect chimera. The key seems to lie in subjects with magical abilities

The boy, by the way, has already mastered fireballs.

A thick bitter memory rose up from his esophagus. Zel felt the magic running through his body again, the rocks gushing out of his arms. He cringed. A gag of fear seized him.

"Enough"

Sadly, his body wasn't listening to him. His pulse quickened and a memory of fear, of disgust, came to him. His hands gripped the book like gravity grips stones, hard.

He hated it. He hated it.

He hated how much influence that wretch man had on him. Rezo appeared in his nightmares when he slept, he appeared in his mirror every morning.

He hated it.

He was also present whenever Zel was with others. Whenever the others shunned him, whenever Amelia tried to touch him and he backed and bounced.

But the worst, worst of all, is that this hatred went two ways. He hated himself too. He hated how little control he had over his body. He hated not being able to get rid of that burden.

Thus, full of hatred, Amelia found him. With a wrinkled nose, with a tense body.

"Zelgadis?"

The chimera gave a little jump, then groaned. What good was that super ear for? He could hear Phil snoring a floor above but, sometimes, Amelia managed to surprise him. Although to be fair, Phil was snoring very loudly.

"Here? again?"

Had it sounded surly? Zel thought it had sounded surly However, the princess did not seem to notice. She walked to the table and dragged a chair.

"I couldn't sleep," she said happily. Too happily. "And you, Zelgadis? What are you doing here? Are you still reading?

"More like torturing me."

There, Amelia's smile soured. She twisted her hand and pointed an Accusing and Righteous finger at the chimera.

"Zelgadis! You promised me. You promised to call if you ever felt bad again.

"I know but…"

He mumbled something under his breath. He looked away.

"What," she said.

"I didn't want Lina messing up with you," the chimera repeated.

"What's that about? Why would Lina bug me?"

Zelgadis looked at her. Again, she saw through her. She had her arms crossed and her eyebrows together, in the universal "I have no fucking idea what you're talking about" position. And he… he was just trying to decide whether that much innocence was good or bad.

"Actually, she was the one who told me to come here tonight."

"Excuse me?"

He was not expecting it.

"Yes, I found her walking through the gardens. And, when I asked her what she was doing there, she told me to mind my own business or, better yet, to nag you instead. I think Gourry was out there too …"

"Oh, Ceiphied…" Zelgadis thought. He dreaded that the next question. It was going to be awkward to explain to a princess what Lina and Gourry did when they were alone.

"I think those two are fucking each other."

Zelgadis nearly fell out of his chair. Okay, it wasn't a question, but still, he was fucking awkward, anyway.

"Amelia! No!"

"What?" She said between giggles. "Don't tell me you didn't know."

"Well…I suspected something, but, still!"

She shrugged. Apparently, being around Lina corrupted anyone.

"I don't see the humor in it," Zel growled. "And surely Lina won't either. I bet she'll blow your ass if she hears any of that.".

"Oh, yeah. I'm also sure. Hey, do you think they have food fights in bed too?

He made a dreaded face. She burst out laughing.

Her laughter echoed through the library. it got tangled in the books, in the stones. When she finished, she turned her head to her friend. Somewhere in all that dread, there was shame. And, amid the shame, there was something resembling a smile.

"I'm going to have nightmares. Thank you very much," Zel muttered.

"Ah, but you don't look so sad anymore."

"What?" He asked.

Amelia was no longer smiling. Instead, she was pointing at the book.

"I saw you before I came in, yelling at the book. Do you want us to talk?"

"She had seen it", he thought.

He released one big sigh.

"She had seen it."

"Is nothing. More of the same."

Amelia made an adorable gesture: she moved the chair a little closer, then, she rested her head in her hands.

"Zel, can I ask you something? It may not be very …"

He looked up. Zel? Had he heard "Zel"? Yes. He was sure of it. And, if so, the rest didn't matter.

"Go ahead, Ame."

There was a small smile, then, a few words:

"Why do you keep reading that book? Didn't Rezo tell you he didn't know how to give your body back?

"He did."

"Then…?"

"I don't know. Maybe I'm trying to make sure that wasn't a lie. Or maybe I'm just trying to find out the moment the lies started."

She responded with confused silence. He shrugged.

"At first, I picked up the tome to see if it had information to cure this," he replied, pointing to himself with the book. "But I doubt there's anything that advanced in this diary. Instead, I've discovered something else. Something that I can't get out of my head."

He made a pause and look at her.

"Yesterday, I told you that Rezo was good to me sometimes, right? Well, I want to know if he also had an ulterior motive for that. I want to know if he was always ruthless or if, instead, he was a wise man who moved away from the right path. I want to know where Rezo began and where Shabranigudu ends.

"But why?"

"Why? why? To find out if Pokota was right, of course! To find out if the whole world is wrong or not! Fuck, Ame! To see if he was in his right mind when he started the experiments, when he experimented with me!"

Silence came and, just like that, it went. The conversation was too tight, too tense.

"You know Rezo did terrible things," She stated soothingly. What difference does the rest matter?

"Yes, but …"

"Tell me, Zel: if you knew it, would that make a difference? Would it matter If you unravel the answer? If you knew at what point Rezo stopped being Rezo?

Zelgadis looked at her. Her face was still resting on his palms. Her gesture was serious and her gaze was fixed. Truth and Justice no longer came out of her mouth. Rather, it was the bitterness of someone who knows what it's like is to have a troubled family, what came out. A cousin willing to do anything to obtain the throne; a missing sister; a murdered mother.

"What are you talking about? It would. Of course, it would."

"Okay, let's suppose you find out. You discover that Rezo has always been influenced by a mazoku. THE mazoku. You find that those little moments of affection weren't well-intentioned. That he was evil from the start. Then he might have not been so responsible for his actions but ... would that make the experiments less terrible? Would that stop the past from hurting?

Zel stopped to think about it. No, it wouldn't.

"Now he considers the other option," she continued. "Consider that he was a normal man, like that Luke Lina often talks about. That guy was totally normal until he snapped, right? Consider that. Consider what if Rezo was always aware of his actions; what if it was his own wickedness and his selfishness what made him what it was."

A little pressure came to his chest. A tangle of anxiety. A whole box of knots.

"I'm sorry," she murmured. "I truly am. I know you don't like to talk about it. Should we stop?

"No."

The entire room spasmed. Or maybe that was just him. He wasn't sure. Meanwhile, she kept talking. She did it how the dew settles on the flowers, carefully.

"I hate seeing you like this. These days you look sadder. Grumpier. And I don't like it. I don't like you tormenting yourself for no reason. But let's say that you push yourself to finish it. That you're lucky enough that you know that condemned answer. Then what? Would you then stop jumping when someone touches you? Would you ... would you finally agree to stay in Saillune?

No. He wouldn't.

He knew it as soon as she spoke the words.

He would not.

His face soured and a bluish fist hit the table.

"You're right. It's useless, right?" His mouth was bitter, his fist tight. "It would still be this. A chimera. A Rezo's puppet. Only that.

He buried her head in his hands, as waves of bitterness rose up.