The others gathered the bodies of the templars and built a pyre for them. What supplies was left, the soldiers gathered to carry to the farms. We would leave what we could for the farmers and refugees before sending the rest on to Haven.
Two of the captive mages had died, but the third had survived. Cullen brought her to me to heal her injuries and protect her while they cleaned up the camp. The mage lay on the ground before me, unconscious. Ignoring the blood on my hands, I set to work healing her wounds.
I knew I had saved her from enduring any more of the same kind of torture I had endured, but what I had done to save her...had I gone too far? I had killed daughters and sons. Of course they deserved punishment, even death for the crimes they had committed or allowed...but I couldn't ignore the guilt in my heart.
I leaned back against the outer wall of the templar's camp, feeling the blood of those I had slaughtered drying on my clothes and skin. A gentle breeze caressed my face and I looked towards the night sky. As my eyes were on the heavens, the Chant came to me.
Blessed are they who stand before the corrupt and the wicked and do not falter. Blessed are the peacekeepers, the champions of the just. Blessed are the righteous, the lights in the shadow. In their blood the Maker's will is written. Magic exists to serve man, and never to rule over him. Foul and corrupt are they who have taken His gift and turned it against His children. They shall be named Maleficar, accursed ones. They shall find no rest in this world or beyond. Foul and corrupt are you who have taken My gift and turned it against My children.
"Andraste, preserve me. Maker, forgive me," I murmured, "My Creator, judge me whole. My Maker, know my heart." Tears burned in my eyes as I looked at the moons. Accursed. Foul and corrupt. That is what I felt now.
I had never lost control like that before. In fact, I'd felt as if someone else had taken control of my body in those moments. I was aware of what I was doing, relished it even - or a part of me did. I lashed out, wanting others to feel my pain. Never had I felt that desire before - not even towards Alrik; I wanted him to pay for his crimes, but not at my own hands.
Once it was over, I didn't even react. I even tried to excuse my actions to Cullen. I'd never killed anyone until the night the bandits attacked the farm. I hadn't thought about it then either, just killed. Harming others had not been in my nature before - standing up for myself, protecting others when I could, yes - but I had never endangered another person.
The night Cullen had sparred with me after I'd conjured the various magical weapons I had been raging inside. Raging at the hand I had been dealt in life, raging at everything that was happening. I'd reached a breaking point and needed to release my frustrations on something. I thought the spar with Cullen had been enough.
Instead, I'd tore through those templars because I wanted them to suffer for their crimes - not only those committed against the captive mages, but for what I had suffered. When Cullen pointed out what I'd done, I'd screamed about the injustices of my life. Saying in everything but words that those men and women deserved to pay for the crimes committed against me.
Was that not the very thing I'd been angry at Ellana for? That her lack of empathy to the hurts of others - especially my own - had made me push her away? Yet of the two of us, who had set themselves aside in an attempt to repair our relationship - not I, but Ellana.
I was such a hypocrite - seeing what was wrong in everyone but myself. Yes, I had suffered tremendously, but that did not give me the right to make others suffer in the pursuit of making myself feel better; no matter how just the cause.
Once we had finished at the camp, we worked our way back to the farmland. Our party was quiet, the Tranquil mage hoisted on a makeshift cot. I could feel eyes on me the whole way back, but I kept my gaze towards the ground.
I remained quiet while Cullen had the two attack parties debrief. The Trevelyans and their party had been no more successful than us in bringing in survivors. Cullen knew that ultimately he would have to eliminate the threats, but he'd hoped a few would surrender to face a trial. It would be before the people of the Inquisition, who had claimed the area of the Crossroads and the farmlands to be under our protection.
None of the mages would surrender and forced the party to kill them all. We'd lost a few of our people, but overall they had been lucky. The templar that had tried to help the captive mages in the templars' camp had surrendered.
Henry Trevelyan knew the young templar, named Benjamin, and said he'd tried to convince him to desert. Benjamin did not believe his brethren could fall as far as they did. Upon staying, however, he had no other chances to escape.
Once the other templars had captured the mages, Benjamin chose to stay in order to prevent the mages from being tortured. While he succeeded at first, eventually a coup in leadership happened. The new leader made an example of Benjamin with his fists. Benjamin was unable to intervene after that.
I tried to comfort myself in knowing that I had stopped my blade for the one virtuous templar among them. It did little in the way of fighting back the shadows that had swallowed me.
Once released, I made my way to our cabin. I downed one of Solas's potions. Turning, I stood in the quiet, breathing in and out for a moment before looking to the tub. I felt my hands shake and brought them up to my face. The blood was now dried in deep crimson swirls that decorated me like horrifying tattoos. You enjoyed it.
I threw myself into the tub at the dark voice, clothes and all, and started scrubbing furiously. The icy water biting into my flesh, the water going from clear to black. Accursed. Foul. Corrupt."Oh, Maker. Oh, Maker," I sobbed as I hugged myself and rocked.
"Meira," Cullen's voice spoke softly as he entered the cabin.
"Go away," I cried, "Please, Cullen, go away." He didn't listen, instead approaching the tub. I refused to look up at him, unable to bear whatever his eyes held. He plunged his hands into the icy water and scooped me into his arms. He sat us on one of the beds, cradling me against his chest.
"I will not pretend to know what all you went through in Kirkwall," he murmured, his words slow as if he were choosing them carefully, "To see a mage with the brand on her forehead being subjected to...Meira, I do not blame you for what happened. I can not deny that I wanted to do the same. Those templars soiled the Order and all the good templars who wear the armor.
"That aside, I said what I did because I have been where you were in those moments. I wanted someone - anyone - to pay for what had happened to me. I came close once in Kinloch Hold. There were three apprentices that I caught in the library after hours; one of them sneered something about how it was too bad Uldred hadn't succeeded and I lost control. I beat them with my bare hands. They lived, but only because two other templars heard the commotion and pulled me off before I could kill them."
"That was you?" I asked incredulously. I recalled the event as he spoke about it, remembering that there had been a skirmish between a few mages and a templar. The templar was never named and the mages were put into solitary confinement for two weeks after being forbidden to speak of the incident. "What was your punishment?"
"Solitary for two weeks and then I was sent to Kirkwall," his voice was grim, "But before that, Meira, I begged the Hero to kill you all when she came to rescue the tower. Begged. I even wanted you dead. Not because you had done anything, but because of what the demon had done with your face." I kept my eyes on his chest, but said nothing as he continued. "The wish for your deaths passed almost as quickly as it had come," Cullen murmured, "but fear took root and sank deep. I had never feared mages before Uldred's revolt. He and his acolytes sowed that fear so well within me, I stillsuffer from it. My fear festered like an infected wound as I walked those halls; as I walked the chamber they'd held me in. All I could see was the dead; all I could hear was my friends' pleas and screams. When I saw you, all I could see was the demon. I knew you were in pain, but -"
"-Cullen," I began.
"No, Meira, let me finish," he commanded, "All I cared about was myself. My pain. My fear. What had happened to me. I did not care about anyone else. My fear turned to hatred and a need for vengeance. No amount of security or restrictions for the mages were enough in my eyes. Meredith nurtured that hatred, sharpening it like a blade to turn against those in my charge. I did so, gladly, believing every word she spoon fed me; assuming what she did not tell me, I did not need to know." His grip around me tightened. "Meira, I - I fear that there might have been...indications of what Alrik was doing and I...was too blind to see them. Perhaps I even ignored them. I was second in command and I - he was under my command and I -" A gentle hand lifted my face to his. "My hands are drenched in blood too, Meira. I caused you and so many others to suffer trying to do what I thought was right. What I allowed my hatred and fear to convince me was right." His gaze was full of self-hatred.
The look in his eyes lit a fire in my chest. I shoved him back on the bed before straddling him and pinned his wrists with each of my hands. He was going to listen to what I needed to say.
"Whatever you may or may not of have known, Cullen, you did not keep me in that cell. You did not defile me every day for three years. Don't you ever blame yourself for that again. Ever, Cullen," I snapped when he opened his mouth. "You have confessed that you've committed wrongs. You walked away from the Order because you saw what was wrong. Own up to your mistakes where you can and do something about them. Sulking in the past, in the "what could have beens" is only going to lead you to a life of continued misery. What I did tonight was horrible, I recognize that. May the Maker forgive me, but I can't change it now. No more than you can change what you've done. All we can do is face tomorrow and do better."
I was in his face, my eyes burning with rage at the hatred he felt for himself. Did he not realize how good of a man I thought he was? Yes, he'd done things wrong and caused others to suffer for it. Yet unlike so many, he realized and admitted his wrongdoing.
He was trying to do better - to be better. Despite scars, despite fears, despite hating himself. My heart ached as I looked into his gold-flecked eyes. How could I help him to see what I saw?
My eyes dropped to his lips and I had a strong urge to kiss him. I started to lower my mouth to his, but stopped before our lips met. Instead, I slipped off him and draped an arm across his waist, tucking myself against him. "I see you, Cullen, blood and all. I am not afraid and you do not need to be alone."
His arm curled around me and held me tighter against him. "Neither do you."
I expected him to leave, but he stayed. We laid like that for hours in silence until he eventually fell asleep. When his nightmares came, I stroked his face and sang to him, Ma's lullaby from long ago coming to me in pieces.
I sang the last phrase in common tongue over and over again. "Never fear, little one, wherever you shall go. Follow my voice - I will call you home. I will call you home." His face was still contorted in stress, but he stilled as I sang. I would call him home, again and again. My heart was his.
...
The next few days were spent finishing up the timber fencing, the watchtowers and seeing to any final needs the farmers had. The mages sent from Haven took their place as healers. They helped deliver the babies of the other farmers who had been pregnant shortly after their arrival.
With my role as healer ended, I kept my head down, did as Cullen asked, helped Elaina, took my riding lessons and saw little Meria as much as I could. I'd washed my gear clean of the blood and no one had asked what had happened that night. When not seeing to my duties, I stayed in the barn with the horses and mabari.
I was avoiding Cullen outside of when he needed me, ready to be back in Haven where his attention would be more occupied. After that night, all I wanted to do was tell him I loved him, but he was still Commander and I subordinate. He would not be able to do anything even if I did tell him how I felt. What happened in the cabin was private, but an actual relationship still wasn't possible.
I had to admit, that though I desired for our long-awaited relationship to take place, what I'd done to those templars worried me. I even thought it might be best that we could do nothing for the time being, while I tried to figure out what exactly had happened. I couldn't fight a nagging feeling that there was more to my loss of control than a reaction to my trauma.
The day for us to leave the farms came. I looked over the land with fondness and felt a twinge of sadness. I would miss this place and the little cabin I had called home over the past few weeks. So much had happened here, I knew this land would forever hold a special place in my heart.
Elaina was packing the cart they'd gifted to us. She filled it with food, water jugs, extra weapons, blankets, and herbs. Cullen had requested that a few of the Inquisition's druffalo be sent to the farms now that the main road was cleared of the mage and templar threats. Wagons had been constructed for them to pull lumber, metals and stones back to Haven. Carts had been built for the horses to pull additional supplies to drop off with the refugees as we passed through the Crossroads.
Cullen had business to see to at the Crossroads before stopping for the night at the Inquisition's camp. He'd have the soldiers press on with the druffalo and wagons to Haven. Rylen and some of the other soldiers were to meet us at the camp. They were to take over guarding the caravan the rest of the way back.
Cullen wanted to speak with Corporal Vale and distribute goods to the refugees. He then needed to catch up on numerous correspondences at the camp and figured it would take later into the day than he wanted us to continue traveling. I realized this meant we would be completely alone for the last part of our trip back and I was nervous at the idea.
...
"We are sorry to see you go," Elaina said as she tied a few bags to the outside of the cart. I hugged her when she finished.
"My horses are yours," Dennet said as he finished securing the extra horse to another cart for it to pull.
I looked at him, perplexed, "But we haven't fulfilled our end of the deal yet."
"I trust that you will," he stated, "but I've seen enough to know you lot are doing more than any."
"Thank you," I smiled.
"I'll send word when they're ready," was his reply, but his lips twitched as if he might smile.
"Thank you, Master Dennet," Cullen clasped arms with the older man.
"Maker watch your steps on the journey back," Elaina blessed us.
"Maker be with you," Cullen nodded.
"Meira," Elizabeth shouted as she ran up, a wild smile on her face, "I'll be seeing you." She tackled me in a hug as Henry waved from a distance. "I'm sorry we couldn't catch up," she apologized, "but Henry and I will be joining you in Haven soon. We need to take care of these bandits first."
"Maker be with you," I offered.
"And you," she nodded.
Everyone said their goodbyes before our group rounded up. We set off and I didn't take my eyes off the farmland until I couldn't see it any more.
We reached the Crossroads a few hours later, the druffalos' pace slow. The King's Road was quiet now that the mages and templars had been dealt with, though the scars of their battles were evident everywhere I looked. Buildings destroyed, houses burned, earth scorched. Cullen had marked on the map he carried several locations that he felt the Inquisition needed to repair when we had the people and coin to do so.
Though he hadn't been in Ferelden in nearly ten years, I could tell that the destruction of his homeland weighed on him. Our eyes met at one point when we'd both been looking around. We'd been walking together, but hadn't looked at each other or uttered a word between us. I didn't feel like talking, especially with the soldiers that encircled our caravan being able to listen.
"You've been quiet," Cullen murmured, apparently not bothered by the listening ears.
"So have you," I replied. Thoughts of me straddled atop him came unbidden and I looked away to hide a blush.
"I hope you approve of my recruiting the Trevelyans," he inquired, "They seem like they will be quite useful." I ignored the irritation that came at his words. It was jealousy of Elizabeth's behavior with Cullen that had led to my rage building that night he'd found me in the clearing. Elizabeth could do what she wanted, Cullen would do what he wanted. All I could do was assure him of my feelings when able and hope.
"What's wrong?" Cullen asked, a brow quirking as he looked over my face.
"Nothing, just tired," I muttered.
"I'm glad we'll be able to rest for the night at the camp for your sake then," he smirked, "Falling asleep on a horse isn't exactly safe."
I forced a chuckle in response, which caused his smirk to falter. We passed through the tunnel we'd entered so many days ago. The Crossroads came into view before us and I had to blink a few times. Recruits lined the hill in front of us, going through drills like a well oiled machine. People were everywhere, setting up tents or building new homes.
I spotted Inquisition soldiers standing guard every few feet and banners swayed in the wind with our sword through an eye symbol. Writing was beneath the symbol claiming the Crossroads were under the Inquisition's protection. The same banners had been placed around Dennet's farmland before we left.
Cullen led our procession to the foot of the hill, but directed the others to go on ahead to the camp outside the village. The people of the Crossroads surrounded us quickly after we stopped moving. They came to offer thanks, ask for news, or say how they wanted to join once they saw to their families.
Cullen drew the most attention when one of the recruits mentioned he was the Commander of the Inquisition's forces. They thanked him for his hard work and seeing to the recruits being stationed for their protection. Humbly, Cullen passed credit on to Vale and others. That only seemed to endear them more to him. I chuckled behind my hand as he became more and more flustered.
Eventually, he excused himself. He made eye contact with me and nodded towards Vale, indicating that he wanted me with him. We walked up the hill and I found the familiar sound of swords clashing made me long for Haven.
I was ready to see Bethany and Minaeve and all the others. I was even ready to see Ellana. Coming face to face with my hypocrisy made me realize how I needed to start making an effort. No, it wouldn't be perfect; nor was I suddenly cured of my anger towards her. However, I had the chance to repair our relationship and if I didn't take it, I would never forgive myself. I prayed to Andraste for strength to overcome.
"Commander," Vale saluted upon our approach. Vale seemed like a serious man. The set of his shoulders and jaw said he was no nonsense, the scars across his face said he'd seen danger, but his eyes sparked with a bit of mischief. He inclined his head to me before returning his attention to Cullen.
"Corporal," Cullen returned the salute, "Walk me through the recruits. As I observe, tell me how the refugees are faring and if there is anything else you need me to see to before I return to Haven. This is Meira, she's second to our chief healer. Does the new healer need any assistance?"
"She wouldn't mind the extra help, ser," Vale replied, "She could pass along what she needs directly to your healer too."
Cullen turned to me, "Meira, see to the healer, would you? In the hut there, yes?" Cullen pointed to a circular hut set up on stones overlooking the main road of the Crossroads and looked to Vale for confirmation. Vale nodded.
"Yes, Commander," I saluted and headed back down the hill. As I did, I passed through the throngs of people.
Among them I heard snippets of praise for the Inquisition; retellings of the Herald of Andraste's story that grew more preposterous with each version I heard; others spoke in fearful whispers of what was happening with the mages in Redcliffe and the disappearance of the templars; others still spoke in angry voices wanting to know where King Alistair was in all this. I climbed the incline dotted with stepping stones, passed a waterfall and came to the hut. The door was open so I knocked on the frame.
"Come in and have a seat," a voice spoke from within. The hut was cozy and neat. It had a stone floor with a rug, organized supply shelves, a small bookcase, cots for the sick, a fireplace and behind a wooden wall I assumed sat the living space for the healer.
"Actually, I was sent by the Inquisition's Commander Rutherford," I stated, "I am second to our chief healer. He wanted me to see if you needed help. Corporal Vale said you also are in need of supplies?"
The healer poked their head out from behind a wooden wall. Red hair, dark eyes with even darker circles beneath them were followed by Circle robes. She looked me over as she approached me. She had potions, ointments and bottles in her arms. "I'm Ellendra. I tried helping these poor folk at the beginning of this mess. Then the templars did them harm for harboring me, so I hid away. A recruit named Whittle sought me out once the Inquisition took over."
"My name is Meira," I inclined my head, "I've been working as a healer at the farmlands, but we're headed back to Haven."
"It's good to meet you Meira," Ellendra nodded, "There's not much you can help me with at the moment. I've seen to the worst injuries and the rest is typical run of the mill ailments. What I do need is more healing herbs. I'd go out and gather them myself, but I can hardly be away from the hut for five minutes without something going wrong." She walked towards a wall lined with wooden shelves and started placing the contents of her arms in the empty spaces.
"What is it you need?" I quirked a brow.
Ellendra turned to me and held out a piece of paper. "The list is longer than I've got breath for. I'm in no rush, but I could use those as soon as the Inquisition is able to get them to me."
I took the note and looked it over. Nothing too difficult, but I'd definitely have to speak with Cullen about assigning some recruits or mages to regular gathering and delivering of herbs. Our needs for them were growing far quicker than we had anticipated. "I will pass this on. Are you sure there's nothing I can help you with?"
"Well, I was about to make some more poultices. You're welcome to assist," she gestured towards a table at the back of the hut.
I accepted and we went to work. As I helped her measure out ingredients and put the poultices together, we talked of life in the Circle and templars. She expressed how she had no interest in this war. That her plan had been to escape with her templar lover who had gone to destroy her phylactery so they would never be found. The templar had never returned and Ellendra knew he was dead. "My heart is too empty, too heavy for me not to know," she said.
"I'm sorry for your loss," I murmured as I handed her more cotton for pouches.
"Mattrin and I were dear friends for many years and lovers for many more," Ellendra reminisced, "I will miss him terribly, but the Inquisition has given me shelter and a purpose. I intend to pay that back in kind." She finished the last poultice.
"We thank you for your service," I nodded. Ellendra gave a small smile and thanked me for my help before dismissing me.
I left the cabin and looked towards the hill with the recruits. The sun glinted off Cullen's armor as I watched him follow beside Vale. The recruits moved through their drills at Vale's command, Cullen observing silently.
He'd make an occasional remark, or would show a recruit how to correct a pose or would take the spot of a recruit's sparring partner for a moment. His presence seemed to bolster the recruit's pride and his instruction was followed by all. It seemed he had missed being in the element of Commander during our time at the farmland.
A thought occurred to me as I felt the parchment and chalk press against my chest when I folded my arms. I pulled a piece of parchment out with the chalk that I had wrapped in a strip of cotton. Finding a spot to sit with a clear view of Cullen and the recruits, I set to work. I sketched everything out and then slowly added the details. I felt I captured Cullen's persona well in the drawing, a Commander and his army.
Once Vale and Cullen were finished, I made my way back up the hill. People greeted me as I passed and I would nod or smile in response. Hope was much restored to these folk than when we had first arrived here. It made my heart feel lighter knowing that I had a small part to play in restoring that hope. I found Cullen and Vale deep in conversation: Vale was hunched over a map and Cullen had a clipboard in his hand, but at my approach Cullen looked up.
"Did all go well with the healer?" he asked. As the sun hit the peak in the sky, it turned his hair golden and lightened his eyes. Maker, he was beautiful.
"Yes, Commander, her name is Ellendra," I informed him, "She has things well in hand here, but she did request additional supplies when the Inquisition is able to provide it."
"Very good," Cullen nodded and returned his attention to the clipboard.
"If I may, ser," I asked and waited for permission. We were back in formal roles. He Commander, I recruit. I would show him the respect his title called for as it garnered respect and loyalty for him from his other recruits.
"Go ahead," Cullen nodded once he met my eyes again.
"The healer in Haven has also requested the need for additional supplies," I began, "She had the idea of using the farmland as a means for herb supplies. As I have said before, I believe we can train the recruits and any mages that join the Inquisition to seek out and harvest these herbs. Could we possibly start doing this at regular intervals, with regular deliveries split between Haven and here? Our needs are growing quickly and perhaps having a plan of action in place would stave off any shortages?"
Cullen considered this for a moment. "I agree. What do you think Corporal?"
"I agree with the lady, ser," Vale nodded, "Needs are growing, but so is our manpower. We're still stretched thin, but I think we could work something out with the men here." Vale looked to me, "We'll see to our own, miss, Haven will have more of a need than here."
"I will send word to Bron about using the farmland as a resource," Cullen added, "They most likely do not have extra cultivated land to use, but there was enough wild ground that could be a natural resource." Cullen looked to me, "Thank you for bringing it to my attention. We will speak with Rylen about it once we return to Haven."
"Yes, Commander," I put a fist to my chest.
They finished up their work shortly after that. Cullen directed Vale to have some of his men assist in unloading the carts to pass out supplies to the refugees. More blankets, clothes and food.
I passed out supplies as well and smiled softly as a few children approached me. Wide-eyes and hungry faces, my heart ached for them. A few hid behind their mother's legs as I held out apples to them. Cautiously, the reached out to pluck the fruit from my hand.
A group of boys looked at Cullen in awe, admiring his regalia and weapons. One challenged Cullen to a dual. Cullen gave the child a smirk and promised he would dual him when he was old enough to join the Inquisition.
Once we finished distributing the carts' contents to the refugees, we said our goodbyes. A few more merchants had set up shop along the main road, business lucrative with Redcliffe being shut off by the mages. Cullen purchased some food for our trip back and packed it away in the saddle bags. With everything seen to, we left the Crossroads and worked our way to the camp.
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