"Do you honestly think duplicity is the route to take?" Cullen growled, his brow furrowed as he looked at each of us ladies in turn. It occurred to me as we all stood around the table with the map of Southern Thedas spread open, that he was the lone male amongst a pack of powerful females. I found it a little comical. Even more so when I looked at his fur mantle in this new light: the fur looked like a lion's mane. Cullen was like a lion surrounded by lionesses that were ready to devour him.
We'd been in the War Room since the idea of addressing both parties had been decided upon. Cullen and Cassandra didn't agree with the decision, but Cassandra understood how it could not only work, but potentially be the best option. Leliana and Josephine supported it, though Josephine had reservations as to how it would affect alliances should we be found out. That's what we'd been debating for the last half hour before Cullen stated, yet again, that he did not agree with the decision.
"Of course you wouldn't agree, Commander," Leliana huffed, "It ruffles your delicate sensibilities." I had to bite my lip to keep from laughing at the look he gave Leliana at her affront.
"My sensibilities are not delicate," he scoffed. "I'm merely trying to point out how this could go terribly wrong."
"You doubt our skills that much?" Leliana glared at him. "I know you act as if no one can do their jobs as efficiently as you, but do you really believe us so incompetent?"
Cullen's eyebrows raised, "That's not - it isn't - Maker's breath. That's not what I meant. I was brought on to advise in strategy and tactics, so I'm providing my input. From a military perspective, lying to potential allies does not usually end well."
"From a military perspective," Leliana emphasized, "However, this falls into my area of expertise - deception and espionage. Allow me to do my job."
"I understand your concern, Commander," Josephine joined in, her voice soothing, "Yet, I think if this matter is handled in just the right way we will not only avoid discovery, but also ensure further financial and political backing. If we can successfully gain the support of both the mages and templars, we would not only look like the peace-keeping organization we have claimed to be, but could also pave the way for the two sides to come together as the Divine had originally intended."
Cullen considered this a moment, "Fair enough, but what will you do if you are found out? What if both sides wish to walk away because they feel deceived?"
"It is better to ask for forgiveness than permission, no?" Leliana smirked. "We will explain our reasoning - the Breach was too great a force to be handled by any one party and we knew they would not work together if asked. To the senior members of each force we will explain the threats of this Venatori and Elder One." She clasped her hands behind her back. "As it is, their options are limited. The mages have indentured themselves to a magister, they do not yet realize that they've sealed their fate in the eyes of the people. Who else will they have to turn to but the Inquisition for any chance at redemption? The templars have abandoned their duties and sparked the ire of the faithful, who were already suffering. Do they believe they can recover from that? Without helping to stop the cataclysm - caused by magic - that now swirls above our heads?"
"I support this decision, Cullen, even if I may not entirely agree," Cassandra stated, a hand on her sword. "I know it is not the way we were taught to handle things, but Leliana's reasoning is sound. We knew going into this there may be situations where we'd have to compromise."
"Does that mean compromising our convictions as well?" Cullen retorted as he crossed his arms over his chest.
"Is potentially uniting the two forces of Thedas that have been at war against your convictions, Commander?" Ellana asked.
Cullen opened his mouth to reply, but stopped. His eyes found mine. "No, it isn't."
"Then let us to try," I murmured.
He was silent for a time, his eyes scanning each of our faces. He found my eyes again when he said, "Very well, I trust you. How are we going to do this, then?"
"First we must decide who is going to address which party," Leliana began, "and then we need to decide how we are going to handle Meira from this moment forward."
"Handle her?" Cullen and Ellana questioned at the same time, "What do you mean?"
"If this is going to work," Leliana began, "Meira needs to be kept secret. There can be no indication that the Herald of Andraste has a twin; anyone cunning enough will not only ferret out the idea that we could be using the twin as a body double, but also believe she is the Herald's weak point. They would happily target Meira for ransom, for bargaining or simply to murder her in the hopes of destabilizing the Inquisition. Meira needs to become someone else when she is not acting as Ellana."
"You can't be serious," Cullen and Ellana barked. Cullen placed his hands on his hips, Ellana doing the same.
The two exchanged a glance. Ellana's brow quirked as she glanced over Cullen, causing him to clear his throat before saying, "What about everyone who knows she exists already? The farmers, the recruits, the people of the Crossroads? They're liabilities now. How are you going to handle damage control to clean up the potential leaks? Kill them all?" Cullen said the last part dryly, but with just enough bite to indicate he wouldn't put it past Leliana.
"My agents embedded at the farms and the Crossroads have already begun to spread word that it was really the Herald assisting you," Leliana shrugged. "She'd been operating under a different name for her safety, but as a Dalish elf, she was wanting to better understand the people she's fighting to protect." Leliana's eyes flicked to me, but I kept my face unreadable. My time to speak would come. "I also sent coded missives to my agents to be passed on to Dennet, the Trevelyans, and Corporal Vale." Leliana faced Cullen, "When you return to the Crossroads to assist in ending the bandit threat, you will ensure that the people are upholding the fabrication. As for the recruits, those who know, I will recruit. Trust me when I say it is not as many as you would think. We've had such an abundance of recruits and turnover the last few weeks in the twins' absence, that few know the Herald's real name or what she really looks like anymore. Fewer still have connected Meira to Ellana. In part, because Meira has been hidden under a hood and because they look different enough to the untrained eye - a passing glance would not reveal their familial resemblance. The average persons' observational skills are - by the Maker's grace - relatively low. Too often caught up in their own minds and problems to pay attention to anything else."
It made perfect sense and would undoubtedly work. Who wouldn't want to believe that the female supposedly sent by Andraste cared about the people of Thedas so much, she hid herself so she could assist the common folk? Even more so because she was a Dalish elf, disproving all preconceived notions of the Dalish? Fereldans loved an underdog. It was not only brilliant, but would endear the people further to the Herald and thus the Inquisition. Leliana's plan was frightfully strategic.
"My sister deserves better," Ellana interjected, "You are trying to erase her existence."
"Precisely," Leliana said simply, her eyes staring into Ellana's before looking to me, "The payment you were given was assigned to Ellana and your report penned under her name as well. The plan has been put into motion. There is no record of Neria or Meira Lavellan working for the Inquisition. I have already sent agents to the Free Marches and Kinloch Hold to erase any record of the mage Neria ever having survived Kirkwall." Her eyes were cold as she told me this, but I caught a flicker of doubt in their light. She was sure this needed to be done, would not waver from her plan, but she knew what she was doing was cruel.
"What?" Cullen and Ellana shouted.
I flinched at their anger, but felt endeared to them for it. They saw only the present situation and how it was affecting me - affecting them. Cullen would feel as if he was losing his friend all over again. Ellana would blame herself for the sacrifice I was choosing to make. "It's fine," I murmured in response, "She never did anyway." All eyes fell on me at that statement, the room silent for a few breaths. They were waiting for me to elaborate, but I said nothing further. I observed an almost imperceptible drop in Leliana's shoulders, as if relieved by my words. Our Spymaster was not as hardened as she wanted people to believe.
"It's not fine, Meira," Ellana reeled on me, her eyes blazing, "You did survive. You helped those people. You are part of the Inquisition." Ellana turned back to Leliana, "Are you going to do this to the rest of my family as well? My clan? There has to be another way. I am not having my sister erased from existence just to enlist some templars!"
I understood what she was saying and my heart swelled with affection at her obvious care for my feelings, but I understood even more what Leliana was trying to do. For this to work, I couldn't be Meira any longer - at least not in public. I would have to become someone else, but that someone else could have near endless usefulness to the Inquisition, Ellana especially.
If damage control could truly be successful - which I had no doubt that it would be - no one would ever know that the Herald may not actually be present. I could stand in for Ellana when her life was in danger. Whenever she needed to be in the field, but also present amongst the Inquisition's headquarters I could see to things as the Herald.
When she was present, I could become a new entity - fulfilling a role or several that the advisors knew were needed to help the Inquisition run more smoothly.I looked to the Spymaster and found her calculating eyes studying me; as if reading my mind, she nodded. Is this the Maker's purpose for me? Andraste, give me strength.
"Your family is welcome to join us. We will put your clan under the protection of the Inquisition," Leliana explained to Ellana. "What do you have to say, Meira?"
All eyes turned to me. "Neria died in Kirkwall. Meira and Ellana are two sides of the same coin. I will become who you wish me to be for the sake of Ellana and the Inquisition. You all know me and what I have done; I know and the Maker knows - that is enough. I must let it be enough."
"Don't do this, Meira," Ellana pleaded as she grabbed my arm, her voice thick, "We can find another way."
I turned to her, a sad smile on my face, "No, we can't, Ellana," I murmured, "The Breach is too great a threat and I am willing to do this for your sake. For the people of the Inquisition. We need both forces and you know it."
"No!" Ellana shouted, "You were sacrificed once already because of me, I won't let you do it again!" Her eyes brimmed with tears.
"Da'len," I murmured, taking her hands in mine, "Let me do this. Last time, I didn't get to choose. This time I am choosing to protect you." Tears streamed down her cheeks, but she said nothing more. I squeezed her hands before turning my attention back to the advisors. I looked at each of them in turn.
"If you are in agreement, I will not argue," Cassandra voiced.
"It is a brave thing you are doing," Josephine commended.
Cullen was silent when I met his eyes, his own full of several emotions. He searched my face until he eventually let a deep breath out through his nose. "It is your decision." He didn't agree, I could tell. He knew, however, that the choice was mine and mine alone to make. I nodded.
I met Leliana's gaze. The ice in her blue eyes melted before she spoke, "All my agents operate under an alias, so I ask that you think of this as that. Meira is not truly gone, but for the sake of the Inquisition and your safety, we must take every precaution. Your sacrifice is recognized and your service will be invaluable." She came around the table and faced the others while standing next to me. "May I present the newest agent to the Inquisition, Talitha."
They all saluted me, a hand to their chests. Tears welling in my eyes that I refused to let fall, I saluted them back. Never had a name sounded so right to my ears, resonating within my soul.
...
The next few hours were spent working out the finer details of putting this plan into action. Ellana was silent for the remainder of the meeting, despite the others trying to coax her thoughts from her. It pained me to see her so upset, but I knew Leliana's strategy was necessary and sound.
Part of the business in traveling to Val Royeaux was for Ellana and I to meet one of Leliana's contacts. This contact could help put together my new identity. We would meet with them prior to First Enchanter Vivienne's salon, all the while keeping me hidden. I would remove the paint Ellana had applied and remain beneath my hood, sequestered away from the rest of the Inquisition.
It was determined that I would go to the templars and Ellana would attend the meeting with Alexius. The Lord Seeker was not as familiar with Ellana and thus would be less likely to pick up on any deception. Cullen and Leliana debated who would go with me to Therinfal and who would go with Ellana to Redcliffe.
They felt it necessary that at least one advisor go with each of us, but also additional companions; not only for protection, but in my case to remove any doubts. Cullen was to come with me to Therinfal and Leliana with Ellana. We'd work out which companions would go with us upon our return from Val Royeaux.
As the meeting came to a close, the others left. Ellana marched out the door without a word to anyone. Cassandra muttered something under her breath that I didn't quite catch. Leliana and Josephine said they needed to see to a few things before retiring for the evening. As they left, they closed the door behind them.
I remained where I was, staring down at the map spread before me. There were markers placed all over, styled in three different fashions: a bird, a fist and another akin to a scale. I assumed they were fashioned after each advisor, representing who was in charge of the task. Looking at the map, I couldn't help but feel an impending amount of responsibility that was soon going to be placed on my shoulders.
I heard footsteps and realized Cullen was still in the room with me. I blinked a few times before meeting his eyes. He was making his way around the table to me. By the set of his jaw, I could tell he wanted to argue. Yet, his eyes were soft and sad. I glanced over him and thought back to the discussion of him going with me to address the templars. "I don't want you to come with me to Therinfal," I murmured.
"Why not?" he quirked a brow, his eyes hardening.
"You left the Order," I began, "The last thing you need to do is throw yourself back in it. Besides, will they not be...angry with your presence?"
"I suppose some will be, but a templar by the name of Delrin Barris sent word to me personally," he explained. "I will answer."
I shook my head. "Your duties are here."
He gave me a hard look, "I am coming with you. You must be kept safe."
"I can take care of myself, Commander. You have trained me well," I glared at him, my anger rising at his seeming disbelief in my capabilities.
He was taken aback for a moment. "I have no doubt that you can look after yourself and do so well. You have raw talent, both in your magic and in your swordsmanship. I've seen it. My concern is the templars -" He cut himself off, a look of having said too much on his face.
"What is it?"
"We've gotten reports and there are rumors of...strange things. It could be dangerous. As a former templar, I could alert you to anything out of place. Besides, having the Commander of the Inquisition's forces with you will help set aside any doubt."
"I see, I'm sorry for snapping at you," I murmured.
"You have nothing to apologize for. Do not doubt yourself and do not doubt that I know how powerful you are." He dipped his chin and turned to leave. My heart fluttered and gut twisted at the thought of not seeing him for weeks.
"Cullen," I breathed.
He turned abruptly as I was walking towards him. I almost stumbled into him, but he gently steadied me. We were nearly chest to chest. "What am I to call you? The way your eyes lit up when Leliana named your alias...it was as if you'd been reborn. But I- that is -"
"I'm not entirely sure myself," I admitted. This was all happening so fast, I barely had time to process it all. "The name I was given when I was born is my name, but...its been so long, it feels like it belongs to someone else. Talitha is something I can make my own...yet, I -"
He lifted my chin gently with a gloved hand. My eyes found his. "Talitha," he whispered so low that only I would hear, "Meira. Neria." He said my names a few more times, as if testing each on his tongue. With each name he uttered, it sent a shock down my spine. "They are all you. You will not forget...and neither will I."
He grew silent and we stood there, looking at each other. I had the urge to touch him, but fought it down. Instead I muttered, "I'll see you soon."
"I'll write," he responded as he released me. I left him standing in the War Room.
...
Orlais was beautiful. We'd arrived three weeks later, having traveled by horseback to Jader before boarding a ship to sail to Val Royeaux. The ship had been cramped, but clean and the crew respectful.
Ferelden was earth tones and simplicity, Orlais was jewel tones and ostentation. Val Royeaux, its crown jewel. Spotless stucco stretching to the sky, limestone streets glistening in the sun, decorated with bold strokes of cerulean, crimson and gold. Manicured gardens contrasted the wild ivy allowed to grow up the stucco. I heard the faint babble of fountains and bartering of merchant stalls and shops. Exotic spices wafted from an open air bistro that sprawled before the inn Leliana was waving us towards.
I tugged my hood further down as Leliana told the inn keeper that our room had been paid for by First Enchanter Vivienne. The inn keeper gestured for us to follow her as we headed up to our room. It was large and decently furnished. The furniture was less ostentatious than I'd assumed it would be, but still not sturdy like the furnishings of Ferelden. The woods were softer, curvier and lighter in color. Silk, velvet, soft cottons and wool filled the room with various shades of cream. The subtle scents of the lovely irises and bundles of lavender gracing crystal vases on a few small tables through the room danced on a light breeze from the windows. A copper tub sat in one corner behind a screen while three small beds sat against the opposite wall. A dining space occupied the final corner beside the door to the room.
Leliana sighed as she sat on one of the three small beds, "I have missed Orlais."
"It is beautiful," I smiled. "I've heard the food of Orlais is some of the best in Thedas."
"I would say many countries would contest that, but I would have to agree; though I may be a bit biased," Leliana's lips twitched as she thickened her accent for emphasis, "however, no one can compare to the merchants of Orlais."
I had noticed a softness come over Leliana as of late that had not been there initially. Ellana had confessed back in her cabin that Leliana had struggled deeply with the loss of Justinia and her faith had been shaken because of it. Though Ellana did not believe in the Maker, she did understand faith and had sympathized with Leliana's pain. Away from Haven, away from the mantle of Spymaster, Leliana seemed to shed some of her shadows. My stomach growled loudly, pulling me from my thoughts and causing the Spymaster to laugh.
"I suppose you will see for yourself," Leliana chuckled, "I'll go order some food before we meet my contact. The salon is tomorrow night, so today we can relax. Perhaps tomorrow we can even visit a few merchants." She gracefully swept from the room and I let out a breath.
"I - why did you - how can you...Creators," Ellana swore, a slight blush on her cheeks. It's the first time she'd spoken since the meeting back in Haven. "I know this can't be easy, wether it was your choice or not."
To see her so concerned that she was hurting me made me hate myself even more for my recent actions. She'd tried to make an effort to amend things between us and I'd treated her horribly. She'd wept over me when Leliana announced her plan. My love and fierce need to protect her had returned with a vengeance upon our reconciliation. Hesitantly, I wrapped her in my arms; with near desperation she returned the hug as a sob escaped her. I quieted her as if she were a small child.
"For you, da'len, I will endure. For all whom I love, I will endure," I murmured.
Ellana sobbed harder at that, thickly saying, "Ir abelas mala suledin nadas! Ir abelas mala lathbora viran! Ir abelas, ma vehnan!"
My elven was rusty, but I understood what she was saying. She was deeply sorry for everything, for how I had never really known home or family, that I had to endure so much and still would because of her. I rubbed her back soothingly. "I am sorry that I blamed you," I breathed, "It was envy and grief. I will do anything to protect you, to serve the people of the Inquisition and fulfill the purpose the Maker has for me. I am thankful to the Maker that you have been brought back into my life. If you keep crying, though, I will think you are not."
Ellana chuckled before putting me at arm's length. She swiped the tears from her eyes and smiled at me. "I am thankful," she murmured, "and can't wait for the clan to see the female you've become."
"When are they supposed to arrive?" I asked.
"They're moving slowly to avoid any fighting, but they should be there within the week after we return." My insides clenched with nerves at the thought of seeing everyone again. "Don't be nervous," Ellana reassured, "they are...ready to see you."
I wanted to believe her, I truly did; but a part of me - that broken part of me - wanted desperately to protect itself from any more damage. I feared what seeing them again would bring out of me. I feared even more what would happen if we did reconcile. If I did or even could forgive them, when this was over, would I be torn from them again?
"Food will arrive shortly," Leliana stated as she reentered the room, but there was a look on her face that worried me.
"What is it?" I asked.
She shook her head and handed me a piece of parchment before casually explaining what food she had ordered. At the top, Leliana had scrawled that we were being watched and had been followed, but below was a note in a messy hand:
People say you're special. I want to help, and I can bring everyone.
There's a baddie in Val Royeaux. I hear he wants to hurt you. Have a search for the red things in the market, the docks, and 'round the cafe, and maybe you'll meet him first.
Bring swords.
Friends of Red Jenny
Below were poorly drawn depictions of the locations. Leliana had scratched another note saying she already had agents looking for the clues.
"That sounds delightful," I said, as both a response to the description of the dishes she'd ordered and to indicate that I'd read her last note.