The Unbreaking

by LadyAubade

A novelized version of DA:I centering around the love story of Meira Neria Lavellan, formerly of Kinloch Hold, and Cullen Stanton Rutherford, Commander of the Inquisition's Forces. In a world determined to keep them broken and apart, they fight to be together. Cameos, blushes, stammering and fluff abound. *New chapters Tuesdays*

46. And Do Not Falter

A/N: 1) This chapter is in Cullen's POV 2) It is SUPER long 3) It took a very fluffy turn, but I love it to pieces. Happy reading :)

WARNINGS: We take a tumble into Cullen's nightmares - some violence, some slightly graphic body horror, slight assault. Also, some slight NSFW (as always not graphic in depiction and some is not even sexual, just may not be safe to read at work, so I wanted to warn up front). Lastly, a whole lot of feels.

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Red lyrium. Templars not questioning orders. A demon. And Meira, hurt again. At the mercy of a demon...again. Because of me...again. Would this have happened if I had been taking lyrium? Would I have had the strength to match these monsters? Would Meira have suffered again?
All I could hear was her screaming my name as that thing dragged her away. I had been too weak to defeat the red monsters in time to reach her. The song emanating from them making it hard to think - to breathe. We'd lost some of the uncorrupted templars. They dragged me off and Meira had needed to come to my aid. What kind of Commander had I been?
Blessed are they who stand before the corrupt and the wicked and do not falter. Do not falter. Had I failed her? Failed them? Would I continue to fail them because of my selfish want to be rid of lyrium - of all of it - in the hopes of starting anew? In the hopes of having control over my own life?
Then the demon. I gripped the hilt of my sword tightly as I stared at its burning corpse. It had echoed the words of Desire as if it knew. As if it had been there. And I became paralyzed at the words, wanting to turn and run instead of cutting the thing down where it sneered at me - frozen as if I were trapped in that magical cage once more. And Meira: with brutal ferocity she had impaled it with her staff and ended it, while I had done nothing.
Do not falter. Was I fooling myself, thinking I could right the wrongs of my inaction in Kirkwall? What have I truly done amongst the Inquisition to atone? Does this form please you?I gripped my blade even tighter, the pressure nearing painful in my palm and aching fingers.
Does this form please you? Please you? Let us please you. The demons' versions of Meira flashed before my eyes as they tried to tempt me. I heard my panicked voice as it quoted the Chant in resistance; heard their responding laughter. She doesn't please you like this? What about this? I watched as I killed Meira over and over and over. Watched as I was congratulated on defeating the demons of the tower, awarded the title of Knight-Commander for my efforts.
I listened as I cried out in defiance. Not like this either? Hmm...you are difficult. I felt as Meira's demonic claws tore into my flesh, watched her lifeless eyes as she devoured my entrails while I yet lived. Heard the demons' cackles as they witnessed my degrading response to the abject terror that gripped me.
I felt the grip of the thirst in my throat, heard the call of the red lyrium growing not feet from me; so like the song of the blue, yet so different. My gut clenched with that hunger, my heart pounding in my chest, my hands and legs shaking with want. You'll want this song. And I had - as much as I fought, as much as I knew what it would do to me, what I would lose, I had wanted to taste it.
Do not falter. I shall endure. Lost in my own mind as the adrenaline of the past few hours sapped from my body, I fell into the darkness. No longer was I in Therinfal, but in Kinloch. In that cage. Surrounded by the bodies of my friends. I saw Wilhelm, Beval, Farris, Annalise, Christopher - all of them.
Their bodies ruined masses or heaving abominations; their agonized screams tearing at my mind. I watched them die again and again as I shouted and fought behind that cage. I felt the sweat, tasted the tears, smelled the death and my own urine that I had released uncontrollably in the wake of fear. I felt the ghost of the demons' hands as they roved over me, listened to their whispers as they named desires I had never even acknowledged having; listened as they twisted those desires into nightmares. Nausea rolled in my gut and I felt bile burning in the back of my throat.

"It's over, Cullen." I had watched Meira approach me, but it was as if she were far away as my whole was sundered. One half alive in the past, the other paralyzed in the aftermath of the now. I could do nothing, but watch her. Her lovely eyes full of concern as they studied me. I wanted to snap out of it, to show her that all was well, but I couldn't shake the memories. So gently, she lowered my still raised sword-arm. Her eyes intense as they looked into my own, calling me back to her. "Envy is dead. It cannot hurt anyone else. We're safe," her dulcet voice murmured.

I cannot see the path. Perhaps there is only abyss. Trembling, I step forward, in darkness enveloped. Though all before me is shadow, yet shall the Maker be my guide. I shall not be left to wander the drifting roads of the Beyond.
For there is no darkness in the Maker's Light and nothing that He has wrought shall be lost. I am not alone. Even as I stumble on the path with my eyes closed, yet I see the Light is here. Draw your last breath, my friends. Cross the Veil and the Fade and all the stars in the sky. Rest at the Maker's right hand, and be forgiven.
I felt both my past and present self speak those words. One knelt, as I pressed my head into the flat of my sword panting them aloud. The other standing surrounded by my nightmares made flesh once more as the love of my life stood before me, calling me back to her.
The thirst burned my throat, my hands trembling with want of the one thing that would put an end to the weakness and pain wracking my body - now further weakened in the wake of the adrenaline leaving my muscles when lyrium would have only strengthened me. The faces of the templars as they'd greedily drunk the philters flashed in my mind - the longing and disgust that had sat equal in my gut. Watched as Meira and the others had fought with valor and resolve; the templars as they had faced down the monstrous reflections of themselves with fearlessness. And me? What had I done?

"Come back to me, Cullen," Meira whispered. CULLEN! The fear in her voice as she'd screamed for me, yet the assurance that I would come had rallied my courage. But, I had not spared her from the demon's torment. I had stood paralyzed before the demon that had just violated the female I loved as it promised her and I further harm; had failed to save her from it's clutches before it could commence it's torture. And yet, she stood before me, whole and beautiful; she'd fought bravely, cutting the creature down where I had failed to do so. Do not falter. Lyrium would have given me the strength, the courage.

I met her eyes and studied her face. There was no anger there, no disappointment, only concern. For me. Do not grieve for me, Maker of All. Though all others may forget You, Your name is etched into my every step. I will not forsake You, even if I forget myself. I blinked and met her eyes before letting out a breath I had not realized I was holding. "I-Forgive me, M-"

"-There is nothing to forgive," she assured, her eyes filling with warmth as she studied me, a smile gracing her lips before her face fell. Fear entering her eyes as they flicked to the side before she met my gaze once more. "It...scared me too," she whispered. She spoke the words gently, with understanding and free of judgment. My Creator, judge me whole: Find me well within Your grace. Touch me with fire that I be cleansed. Tell me I have sung to Your approval. Shame flooded me as I judged my own actions; my own weakness. Blessed are they who stand before the corrupt and the wicked and do not falter. I felt her hand on mine and I met her eyes once more. My heart stuttered at her beauty, at the pleading in her gaze. "Please, Cullen," she urged. "I need you."

My heart quickened at those words on her tongue. I need you. I need you. She continued to speak, but my mind was stuck on those words and I felt the shadows of those dark memories recede. I need you. Commander. Leader of the Inquisition's Forces. The Maker. The Inquisition. Meira.
I had chosen the vows I would keep. I would serve and protect. I would not submit to the control lyrium had had on my life. The Inquisition would take priority, but Cassandra had my back in this. She'd wanted me to tell Meira at the inn, but I couldn't; instead I had kissed her to push back all the fear, the darkness, the worry. Meira did not need the burden of my struggle on her shoulders.
You'll want this song. I would endure - no matter what. O Maker, hear my cry: Guide me through the blackest nights. Steel my heart against the temptations of the wicked. Make me to rest in the warmest places. I took a deep breath, sheathed my blade and buckled my shield to my back.
Closing my eyes for a moment. Maker, though the darkness comes upon me, I shall embrace the Light. I shall weather the storm. I shall endure. No matter what, I would endure. I straightened my back under the weight of my armor, my body groaning as the aches returned.

I opened my eyes and stared down the spot where the demon's corpse burned away. Maker take you, you filth. "Right. Let's go."

We climbed the stone steps out of the courtyard to find Cassandra staring down the remaining templars while Vivienne inspected her nails and Varric wiped down Bianca. The templars were talking amongst themselves, but Barris turned to us upon our setting foot on the landing. He jogged to meet us, Abernache on his heels. They must have rescued the man as they swept for survivors once they'd recovered from breaking the barrier.

Barris opened his mouth to speak, but Abernache beat him to it. "Herald! I sincerely apologize for losing countenance amidst the chaos. That was… unfortunate," he hung his head. "I do hope it won't affect our concord."

I bristled at the man's words, feeling them as if they were my own, but Meira simply nodded. "Don't worry, you're needed," she stated before turning to Barris in a clear sign of dismissal to the nobleman.

Abernache's shoulders slumped as he murmured, "Wonderful." Meira hadn't raked him over the coals for his behavior as she could have, but her mercy had delivered a blow to his pride all the same. The same mercy she had extended to me. I clenched my jaw, tightening my hands on the pommel of my sword as they shook with a tremor.

Turning my eyes from the nobleman, they landed on Barris. The man was exhausted, but he stood tall before Meira - shame, humility, determination and a thirst to prove himself in his countenance. "The demon is dead. Andraste be praised: she shielded you from it's touch. We've numbers across Thedas, but we let this happen. Our officers either failed to see it or were complicit. The templars are ready to hear what the Inquisition needs of us."

Meira looked over the templars, thoughts playing out behind her eyes as she carefully chose her words. "There was corruption here. But also I see valor, and honor in each of you who stood fast. Rise tall again. Help the Inquisition seal the Breach before it swallows us all."

Her words made me stand a little taller myself. Could I rise tall in her eyes once more? I watched as Barris straightened to his full height, clasping his hands behind his back. "You speak truths we should never have ignored. But the Order is leaderless, gutted by betrayal. We must rebuild it." He looked to Meira in question - he wanted her to answer if they could rebuild or if they needed to join the Inquisition as they were. He was laying the Order's future at her feet. As I was about to protest that the decision should not be hers alone, she spoke.

"That is not a decision for me to make alone, Ser Barris," Meira shook her head. "I am not the Inquisition. Instead, I feel that should be discussed between myself, you, Commander Cullen and Seeker Cassandra."

Barris flicked his eyes to me before looking back to Meira. "All due respect, Herald, but you are the one who had faith in us, who helped us succeed. We would gladly follow your direction." It was true. Though my respect for Barris had only grown through observing his conduct, I had been quick to blame them all for their inaction and complacency in following orders they knew were strange. As if I were one to judge. Cassandra was practically foaming at the mouth for the Order's blood.

Cassandra approached us at Barris's words, her brow furrowed and lip curled. "While I understand your allegiance, Ser Barris, we are talking about either allowing you to rebuild away from our eye - where you could easily fall prey to corruption once more - or dismantling the Templar Order as we know it and having it join the Inquisition."

"Weighty paths, neither of which should be taken lightly or decided at the whim of one person alone," Meira interjected before she turned to me. "What do you think Commander?"

Maker, this female is more than I deserve. After my display, she would still trust my judgment? I wanted to take her somewhere private and kiss her breathless; to beg her forgiveness for my cowardice. Yet, the shame still twisted my gut, even more so as she asked my opinion. I could hardly bring myself to look at her, feeling unworthy of the mercy and kindness she had shown me when I was the reason she had suffered again. I took a moment before I met her eyes. She was standing tall, looking composed and confident as she awaited my answer. I had worried for her when she'd cry out at the demon's voice in her mind, feeling as her mana writhed sporadically in response to her pain and fear. Now, she felt calm and her mana at peace. "I agree with the Herald, it is not her decision to make alone."

Cassandra turned to me, her lip curling even more as she prepared to argue, but Meira raised a hand as she cut Cassandra off. "Perhaps we can discuss this more privately?" Meira nodded towards the other templars who were nervously murmuring to each other. "Ser Barris, if you would." Meira gestured for us to follow her as she walked some distance from the crowd. I noticed that she refused to go close to where Envy had burned away.

Cassandra held in her words until Meira stopped, rounding on Barris. "Officers betraying their soldiers, templars without leaders, a demon imitating the Lord Seeker… We should take you to task. The crimes that have been committed -"

"-Were committed by their officers," I argued. Despite my anger with their inaction, I understood it well enough. Templars were soldiers first - trained to follow orders which we did not question. I hadquestioned and it had cost me. Then, I had followed blindly and it had cost me even more. I knew these men and women were eager to prove themselves worthy of the titles they held, of the tenets they represented. Barris was eager to represent the Order that should be, not the Order that had come to pass. "The soldiers of the Order will serve, will they not, Ser Barris?" Barris offered a salute in response.

"Before we decide anything," Meira stated, "I have some questions." We all looked to her, but she was focused on Barris. "Envy claimed to serve the 'Elder One'. Just like your knight-captain." Who is this Elder One? The Venatori Ser Dorian had warned us about claimed to serve him. Now the templars had fallen prey to one of his servants?

Barris looked alarmed. "Maybe it was to do with the war with the mages, but...I don't know anymore. That is all above me."

"When did the Lord Seeker start taking over?" Meira cocked her head, her brows knitting. She is so beautiful.

"I'm shamed whatever I say," Barris's shoulders fell as his features twisted in bitterness. "If he was fake at the start, we let a demon walk in. If he was genuine, Envy took the Lord Seeker from under our noses. Who knows how long the knight-vigilant has been dead? The knight-captain 'relayed' his orders."

"I need to understand how you could accept the use of corrupted lyrium," Meira demanded, though her voice was gentle as she searched his face. "Your superiors using it or no."

"We didn't know it was corrupted," Barris met her eyes, his own earnest. How could they not know? I thought everyone knew after Kirkwall - I sent letters to the other Knight-Commanders. Unless... Templars did not like to admit weakness. Had they somehow covered up the events in Kirkwall? Blamed Meredith's downfall on something else? Or had the rebellion covered up the incident through sheer chaos? "The Lord Seeker only said it was better than Chantry lyrium."

"That's it?" Meira quirked a brow. That's all it would take for some.

"You have to understand," Barris implored. "All magic is corruptable, all magic is dangerous, and yet all magic can serve. The red lyrium was just a tool. Or so we thought."

Cover up or no, they knew something was wrong with the red lyrium. I thought of the copied manifest I had found and the note scrawled at the bottom."I refuse to believe that you did not hear -" I cut myself off as Meira looked to me, unable to meet her eyes. What would she think of me? To know that I wanted for lyrium so badly that it sang to me?

"Didn't hear the song?" she murmured.

My gaze snapped back to her, my brows raising in surprise. "You...you heard it?" I questioned, hardly daring to believe. What does that mean?

"It was dark and enticing, but changed to something truly sinister when the others attacked," she explained.

"Lyrium...sings to you?" Cassandra asked as she glanced between Barris and I, concern on her face.

"To...some yes," I cleared my throat. "The red lyrium seems to be particularly...loud." I met Meira's eyes, finding a question there, but she didn't voice it as she looked away.

"I never got close enough to the stuff to hear it," Barris admitted. "Those who'd begun to use it were kept separate and the rest of us were being worked to the bone on the Lord Seeker's order. To help 'strengthen' us. Training and duties were doubled. Not only were we not allowed to ask questions, we were kept so busy and exhausted that we couldn't." Would they have fought if they had seen what became of those who were using it? The outcome of today told me enough. Barris and those who followed him would have fought to their deaths if they had known. Why had the man not mentioned this in his letter? I would have urged a swift response if I'd known. But he'd told me - he was following orders. I gripped my sword hard. Would there come a day where that was not an excuse for good men in uniform to do nothing? Where being a templar meant you protected and served, even if it meant disobeying your superiors?

I watched as Meira thought for a moment. "I think we need to investigate further before we come to any decisions." She looked to Barris. "No matter what, you and your men will assist us in sealing the Breach. Collect what provisions you can, see to your dead and question your men to see if they have any further information. We will return in a few hours."

Barris offered another salute before returning to the other templars. Meira looked between Cassandra and I. "The Order is in chaos," she began, "We have to give it a plan before we leave or risk losing it entirely."

"What we found in the Captain's quarters means the officers willingly blighted half their knights with red lyrium," I growled, anger hot in my chest at everything that had happened.

"Even before some of them realized the Lord Seeker was replaced by a demon," Cassandra added.

"There's more," Meira stated, shifting on her feet as her face fell. "While I was in the Fade with Envy, it revealed some of this Elder One's plan - or possible plan anyway. Who knows how much of it was truth and how much of it was simply to..." She took a deep breath as she shut her eyes tight. Oh, my darling. I wanted to take her in my arms and comfort her. Yet, how could I provide her comfort when I had failed to protect her in the first place? She continued after a moment. "The Conclave and the Breach were only the beginning. Empress Celene assassinated. A demon army. Envy was going to use my face to summon this demon army; as for Celene's murderer, I could find no more. There is a bust of her in the Lord Seeker's quarters along with several stacks of parchment - perhaps there is more information among his things?"

I grimaced as I recalled the templar's words as he tried to pour red lyrium down my throat. "There is also the matter of Samson."

Meira looked to me, a brow quriked. "Samson?"

I met her eyes briefly, the shame hitting me again as I noticed her exhaustion. I looked to Cassandra as I spoke. "One of the corrupted templars mentioned Samson - said he 'sends his regards'. Samson was a templar in Kirkwall until he was expelled. We shared quarters briefly while I was there. I lost track of what happened to him after the chaos following the Chantry explosion. We must find out if he is involved."

"I say we follow the Herald's suggestion and investigate the Lord Seeker's quarters," Cassandra stated. She looked to me. "Do you want to assist Barris?"

I looked at them both briefly and shook my head. I did not want to leave Meira's side, despite my shame, and I was too angry with the templars to stay amongst them. Angry at myself for understanding all to well their predicament and relating to it. Fearful as well of what being around so many who'd just been freshly dosed with lyrium would do to me. "No. I fear I...may be too angry to be of much help to them."

"Are we sure they will be alright on their own? They have no leaders," Meira murmured as she glanced over them.

"Are you asking me to stay with them, Herald?" I questioned, my voice harsher than I meant it to be. Was she wanting me away from her? I'd hardly blame her if she did.

She blinked as she looked at me, surprise and hurt on her face. Maker, Rutherford. I couldn't look at her, so I looked at a point past her. "N-no, Commander, I was...let's go," she spoke softly and turned her back on me. Now I've done it. She'd been worried for me, but I, ashamed of myself, what do I do?

...

Vivienne and Varric elected to stay with the templars to help them see to whatever they needed and to keep an eye on them. Meira led the way to the Lord Seeker's quarters. I noticed she fought a shiver as she looked around the destroyed office. I followed her gaze. The writing on the wall was essentially nonsense, but as we approached the cluttered table, we each took a section of the scattered parchment to begin going through it. I felt my stomach rumble and could hardly believe I was hungry in the aftermath of all that had taken place, so I ignored it.
As we perused the letters, notes and reports, Meira told us what had happened to her in the Fade - what the demon had shown her of the Inquisition's fate at its hands. Cassandra and I voiced our fury and revolt at what she had witnessed. I could tell she was holding something back as she spoke, her eyes not meeting mine and rarely meeting Cassandra's at her recounting, but I didn't push her. We'd fallen into silence as we read the contents of the table. Most of the paperwork I had to sift through was nonsense, but I found a letter that caught my eye.

Whatever comes, follow the instructions in the shipment to the letter. The officers know what they've signed on for, but don't start all the knights on red lyrium at once. Use the amounts we've parceled out; give them medicine for the pain. They need to be ready to fight again soon enough.

These are your people now, "Lord Seeker". Be a better master to them than the Chantry. If I hear differently, you'll answer to the one we both serve.

S.

"Cassandra," Meira called. "Look at this."

Cassandra made her way over to Meira, her face becoming more livid the longer we were in this room. She took the small note from Meira's hand and I watched as her face blanched. "Please tell me this is a ruse by Envy," she murmured.

"What is it?" I asked, Meira's eyes glancing at me briefly as I looked up from the letter, as if she were afraid of being caught. Maker, Rutherford. You're going to have to assure her that all is well.

"It-I...Sweet Andraste," the Seeker swore. "Unless this is a deceit by the demon...the Lord Seeker...may have been complicit in Envy's scheme."

"What?" I barked. Is there nothing and no one in Thedas that is not corrupted?

"We can't know for sure, it may have been written by the demon or by this Elder One that delivered the Lord Seeker to Envy," Meira stated. "This...doesn't look good."

I looked to Cassandra who was having a hard time deciding wether she was livid or devastated, before returning to the letter in my hand. "What I've found isn't much better," I growled. "The letter is signed 'S', but it sounds like Samson. If it is him, he was aware of the imposter, aware of what red lyrium would do to the templars. He claimed to serve the same master as the imposter Lord Seeker."

"And we have this," Meira gestured to Celene's bust that had a dagger stabbed through her face.

"We...we need to get back to Haven," Cassandra stated, worry coloring her words. "As soon as possible. We need to send messages ahead to Leliana and Josephine - they need to have people looking into these leads."

"I doubt the corrupted templars left any messenger birds alive," I voiced. "In fact, I fear they may have killed any means of escape or asking for aid." If I had been their leader, that's what I would have instructed. Maker, what does that say about me?

"What do you mean?" Meira asked her eyes meeting mine for the first time.

"The red doesn't stop for the innocent," A voice spoke before a boy appeared on the table. His voice became agitated as he continued to speak. "I can smell their fear, see it in their eyes as I tear them apart - their blood only feeds the song." He was playing with a dagger as he looked to Meira. "Hello, Meira."

"Maker," I proclaimed, stepping around the table as I unsheathed my sword and pointed it at the boy, Cassandra doing the same. Abomination. He's an abomination.

"Wait!" Meira shouted as she stepped between us and the boy. We hesitated, but kept our swords drawn.

The boy met my eyes. His own staring, as if he could see to my soul. "Just because it was what you would have done, doesn't mean you're red inside. You're a templar - were a templar - you can't help how they trained you to think." How-how on...how did he...I realized I was stammering, but the boy turned away from me and back to Meira. "I didn't leave. I've been helping - they just weren't ready to see me. Besides, they know your secret, the others don't."

"That's fine, Cole," Meira assured, a smile on her face and her eyes warm as she looked at the creature. "You just startled us, appearing out of thin air. Could you please get off the table though?" What in the Maker's name?

"I wasn't air, I was here," Cole looked confused, but obliged Meira as he climbed off the table. "You didn't see me. Most people don't until I let them." I caught Meira's smile and quiet chuckle before returning my attention to the demon.

"This creature is not what you -" Cassandra began.

"Abomination -" I corrected.

"-Colesaved my life in the Fade," Meira interjected, her eyes flashing slightly. Cassandra and I glanced at each other. This...thing saved her life?Unease pooled in my gut as I studied the creature, but if he had truly helped her -

"And Purpose helped too," Cole added as he met my eyes. Demon. He turned to Meira. "He says hello as well." Who - what - is Purpose? Cole looked at each of us in turn. "You help people. You made them safe when they would have died. I want to do that. I can help."

Meira cocked her head, amused. "Why and how would you help the Inquisition?"

"The hole in the sky is tooloud for spirits to think. It's pulling, pushing out pain. I want to stop it," Cole straightened. Hole in the sky? Too loud for spirits? Pain? I was utterly confused by the boy's words, but Meira seemed to understand exactly what he was saying.

"How altruistic of you," Cassandra growled at the creature.

"I want to help," Cole pleaded. "I can be hard to see. I can kill things that would hurt people. I won't get in the way."

"I couldn't have defeated Envy without him or Purpose," Meira stated to Cassandra who was glaring at Cole.

"But what does he want now?" she demanded.

"I think he really is trying to help," Meira said, softly. That seemed to be all the answer the boy needed.

"I won't be in the way. Tiny, no trouble, no notice taken unless you want them to," Cole said, excitedly.

"You're not honestly suggesting we give him run of the camp?" I questioned. Meira may have trust in him, but he was...not human - despite his appearance. Meira turned to say something to me, but Cole disappeared. Oh, wonderful.

"Where did he go?" Cassandra asked, her voice wavering.

"It's a good trick. You get used to it," Meira smirked, seeming to find the whole situation humorous.

"You said he...helped you in the Fade?" I questioned as I sheathed my sword. "You didn't mention that before."

"I...intended to keep Cole secret - and Purpose for that matter. How they helped me...I will be forever grateful to them both," She couldn't quite meet my eyes. My darling, I am sorry. "I wasn't keeping them secret for...dubious reasons. I just didn't feel it was pertinent information. What they helped me overcome had nothing to do with the Inquisition."

"They are...demons?" Cassandra questioned.

"No," Meira shook her head. "Spirits. Purpose kept calling Cole 'Compassion'; I think Cole is more complex than simply a spirit, but it is above my knowledge."

"You had...spirits help you while you were trapped in the Fade by Envy?" I questioned. I wanted to understand. I wanted to not be afraid, wanted to trust her, but all I knew of the Fade was demons. I knew there was more occupants in the Fade, but the benevolent spirits were not as powerful as the malevolent ones.

She met my eyes, her gaze hard as her chin jutted just slightly. "Yes."

"And that didn't...frighten you?" I quirked a brow. I wanted the answer to that question, but I was also secretly enjoying her defensive and stubborn responses to me. So rarely did she show those sides of herself, when she did I found it...hypnotic.

"They are not malicious," she crossed her arms over her chest, her agitation with me growing as she narrowed her eyes. "I could sense their intent. Purpose is the spirit that saved me from death, from Tranquility, Cullen; lest you forget." At her words, I flinched. She is upset with me. I've blundered again. "Cole kept me whole in the wake of Envy's...manipulation. Together, they helped me navigate the Fade and escape. I daresay you owe a thanks to both of them." She glared at Cassandra and I, silencing our arguments. "That aside, Cole may have confirmed what we feared. If everything is gone, we return to South Reach for supplies. But first, we need to decide what we're doing with the Order."

"The corruption fell top down," I stated, pushing aside thoughts of my siblings at the mention of South Reach. "Those who survived were not privy to what was happening. They seem eager to serve, to prove themselves and to rebuild the Order as it should be."

"Lyrium is at the heart of this. How else would they have fallen prey to this demon so easily?" Cassandra scowled as her eyes fell on me. "Perhaps we need to eliminate the Order, cleanse it of lyrium and rebuild in a way that lyrium and templars are no longer synonymous."

Not now, Cassandra. She knew how I hoped the Inquisition would be able to eliminate lyrium from the Order - if it could be done. Cassandra was somehow able to use templar abilities without taking lyrium; in her laid the answers I sought. Now was not the time, however; we could not have the few remaining members of the Order going through withdrawal - possibly dying - prior to closing the Breach. We needed to take care of the current priority and then address the issue that was lyrium. "A demon - and it's master - was at the heart of this," I argued. "They will need lyrium to face the Breach."

"Enough!" Meira barked. "The Order is a symbol that holds the people's respect. That cannot die today. Would that respect not grow if people knew that the newOrder was founded and rebuilt by those who most embodied the tenets of their Order? They can rebuild within the Inquisition, with our support, input and guidance - becausewe allowed them to remain. If we ask them to dismantle and become a part of the Inquisition, are we not potentially painting ourselves as power-hungry tyrants?" Meira's words were wise and I agreed wholeheartedly.

"Surely, the Inquisition should get some kind of benefit for saving them from themselves? I know Leliana would have suggestions," Cassandra argued. "Not only that, but can we truly trust the men and women here who stood by as the Order rotted from the inside out?"

"All due respect to Sister Nightingale, she seeks the benefit of the Inquisition above all else right now," Meira crossed her arms over her chest once more. "I admire her devotion, even her cunning, but this is not the place to put the Inquisition ahead of Thedas itself. I know everyone who has joined the Inquisition's cause did so because they wish to see change. I agree, completely, but converts are not won with blood and force - just look at the Chantry's past mistakes. You want people to believe in the Inquisition? To join us? To back us? Show that we are a force to be reckoned with, but one that can also be reasoned with - that we give those who fail a second chance when they earn it, just as the templars who stood with Barris have. I saw what the Inquisition could become through fear alone - I will not allow it. Would you Seeker? Commander?" Her eyes seared into the both of us, her words ringing with truth.

Cassandra and I paused for a moment, looking at each other. "No," we answered in unison as we met Meira's gaze.

"Then we make our terms plain," Meira stated, her shoulders dropping in relief.

"What would you suggest?" I asked, resting my hands on my pommel.

Meira thought for a moment. "First, I would have them as our allies."

"Allies? After what they've done here?" Cassandra argued.

"They didn't commit these crimes, Cassandra, it was their officers," I shook my head.

Meira scowled. "Allies, but we are to be involved in the rebuilding of the Order - and it isto be rebuilt, from the foundation."

"I can agree to that," Cassandra nodded. "Who would lead them?"

"I would recommend Barris," I offered. "The man has proven himself a capable leader and trusted amongst his brethren."

"I agree," Meira nodded. "Barris is to be acting leader, until more critical decisions need to be made - after the Breach has been sealed. The Inquisition is to choose the new Knight-Commander when that time comes."

"So long as the choice is made due to the person's merit and benefit they will bring to the Order and not the Inquisition," I voiced, "I will agree to that. The Order needs to be free of all their leashes - both past and future."

Meira nodded before continuing. Her eyes were beginning to linger longer upon me, that warmth returning to them. Focus, Rutherford."Those who have committed the most heinous crimes within the Order are to be judged by the Inquisition - their consequences what we see fit. That may mean delivering them back to the Order for further judgment or it may not."

"I agree completely," Cassandra nodded. "And I voice now of wanting the same for the Seekers if they are proven to have fallen to corruption."

"If the templars join as free agents, they are to govern themselves - we will not coddle them - but they answer to us," Meira continued. "We will send them on assignments that come to the Inquisition's attention that require templars and they will answer."

"Sounds fair," I nodded.

"We will provide for their initial needs as theirs have been eradicated - grounds for them to stay, food, weapons. We will supply lyrium as well. They are not allowed to establish their own supply lines until they have proven themselves trustworthy again," she stated.

I agreed with her terms, wanting nothing more than to take her into my arms and kiss her for her wisdom. I was ready for this to be over, for us to be able to sneak away, but would she come? Would she still want me after today? I was growing impatient to be with her. "Anything else?" I asked, folding my arms across my chest.

She stared me down, clearly agitated with my short temper. "I want Barris as the templar ambassador - when the time comes. Together, he, Talitha and the Inquisition will rebuild the Order and the Circles."

We both looked at Meira, saying nothing for a few moments. Cassandra saluted her. "As you say, Herald."

"So long as change is coming - for both the Order and the mages," I nodded. "Your terms sound fair. I see no reason why they would refuse - they would be fools to do so."

Meira met my eyes, a fire in her own. "You know I desire change for both - change is needed for both. If it does not come, we will be here again before long."

"Indeed," I nodded.

"Let's go speak with Barris," Cassandra nodded.

...

"We could hardly turn away such an offer," Barris spoke once Meira had finished listing off the terms of our alliance, stating that we would get it in writing upon our return to Haven. "You've not ordered us to disband and you are allowing us to aid the Inquisition - where perhaps we can regain the people's respect. I look forward to this partnership," Barris nodded. "I need assurance that my brothers and sisters will follow." He left us where we stood to address his fellow templars.

As Barris explained the terms to the others, I felt Meira's eyes on me. I avoided looking at her, knowing I wouldn't be able to look away. I knew I was being somewhat cold and short tempered with her; a mixture of my shame and my want to speak with her making my patience wear thin. I had to keep my distance, as she was the Herald and I her Commander.
My fear had subsided, but exhaustion and pain were coming in full force now as the events of the day caught up with me. I wanted nothing more than to talk with her, to listen to her soothing voice, to kiss her soundly. The thought of her pinned between me and the door in the inn in South Reach came and a fire began to burn in my gut. Would she let me kiss her like that again?

"Do we take the Inquisition's terms, brothers and sisters?" Barris asked the others. The responding cheer was near deafening as we approached the crowd. Barris turned back to Meira. "The templars will come. I hope your stronghold is ready."

A smirk pulled Meira's lips. "Oh, don't worry. I think we're expecting company." At that, I saw the slightest hint of a smile on Barris's face. Maker, Andraste, guide us to rebuild the Order to what it should be.

...

We spent the remainder of the daytime discussing our plan for returning to Haven and dealing with the Breach. It was decided that the templars would follow us within a few days. They were to gather any useful resources from the fortress once Barris saw to order. Upon our return to South Reach, I would send the garrison of Inquisition soldiers that would be established by now to aid in performing a sweep of the area for any remaining corrupted templars.
Once those decisions had been made, we saw to the dead. So many had been slaughtered; the nobles not without their share of losses. Pyres were built and set ablaze as rites were performed. With that seen to, Cassandra and I had gone down to where we had left the horses. They all lay mutilated before us and the coaches of the nobles destroyed. Cassandra cursed the corrupted templars as we began picking through the gore.
Thankfully, Meira's disguise had survived unscathed, along with most of Cassandra, Vivienne and Varric's things. I did not come away as lucky and I laughed bitterly at what had survived. The Maker has a sense of humor. My elderflower salve and oakmoss elixir that were to help with the pain of withdrawal had both been destroyed; but the box that held the tools to prepare my rations of lyrium sat perfectly intact along with the wax for my hair.
We gathered everything useful and made our way back to the fortress. Dropping off their things, I checked to see if any messenger birds lived, but all were dead. With any means of transportation or communication destroyed and the fear corrupted templars may still lurk nearby, it was decided we would stay the night at the fortress - much to our displeasure. We'd see to any last minute needs Barris had and depart at dawn to make our way back to South Reach, where we were to restock and send out messages. Vivienne would stay behind to await the Inquisition soldiers who would accompany the remaining nobles back to the city.
We aided the templars in setting up a camp within the first courtyard and the room where we had met the knight-captain. Things had been cleaned, the dead removed and there was no red lyrium growing nearby. We would have to figure out how to destroy and remove the lyrium, but for now Barris and I had commanded that no one go near it. Meira and Vivienne had use magic to move the bodies of the corrupted templars so that they could be burned - fire seemed to have an affect on the substance. Denam was being kept chained in a room under constant guard until the Inquisition could bring him to Haven for judgment.
I watched Meira as she assisted the templars in setting up tents and laying out bedrolls, her unaware of how they studied her in awe - Andraste's Herald. If they had been in doubt before, her actions and offer of an alliance had removed it. I was beginning to believe that the Maker had sent both Ellana and Meira - had placed them in Haven when they would be most needed. Meira was proving herself wise and capable, Ellana had become more devoted to the cause of the Inquisition than even some of its initial members. I prayed for them both, hoping that they would continue to follow the Maker's guidance.
Major priorities seen to, the templars raided their stores for food. Finding cheese and hard biscuits to pass around, they saw that all got a share. Despite what they had just endured, the nobles still found a way to complain about the food, causing me to roll my eyes. Water had been drawn, ladles and buckets being passed around as everyone sat by the fires that had been lit. Meira sat with Varric and Cassandra. Vivienne had retired to her tent soon after eating.
I had been talking with Barris and a few of the other templars about everything that had happened. They turned to talking about training days and foolery as initiates. Despite the circumstances of the day, they found reasons to laugh in remembrance of the brothers and sisters who had fallen. Barris's face turned bitter once more. I clasped the man's shoulder and told him I understood and the Inquisition would do all it could to help him and the others right this wrong.

"So long as we see those red monsters ended," he seethed. "Those thingsdisgrace everything the Order should be. I fear the Herald did not see us at our best and yet...she decided to work with us? It is...beyond me."

"She is a wise female," I offered. "She understands what the Order represents to the people of Thedas."

"But she's a mage. An elf. A Dalish elf at that - they don't even have templars," Barris voiced. "Why would she keep us around - no matter what the Order means to Thedas?"

"Because she's no fool," I explained. "She knows what would happen if she - if the Inquisition - were to abolish the Order. We would become an object of fear and distrust."

The man studied me a moment. "You trust her then?"

"I do," I assured. "She has proven herself trustworthy in the time I have worked with her. Despite her background, she is levelheaded, shrewd and committed to the cause of the Inquisition, its people and the people of Thedas. Though she coulduse the power and influence her title grants her, she has not."

"She seems worthy of our loyalty. I pray she proves it." He thought a moment. "Can I ask why you left the Order?"

I hesitated before I answered. "What you experienced today, I experienced in Kirkwall. Corruption led to the Order's utter destruction there. Everywhere I looked after I helped pick up the pieces, I saw only corruption. Corruption I had believed and had fed. I no longer understood what it meant to be a templar. Seeker Cassandra sought me out to join the Inquisition - told me what they were trying to accomplish - and I felt the Maker's hand guiding me to a new path." I met Barris's eyes. "I respect the Order and the soldiers within. I would see the Order become what it was meant to be, but that is not what we saw today. The Herald wants the same. The Inquisition wants the same."

He nodded. "As do I." At that, he turned to head for his tent.

I hesitated before heading towards where Meira sat, but paused when I heard Varric mention his nickname for me. I stayed in the shadows between fires as I setup my tent and observed them.

Varric smiled at Meira. "You're a better person than most then." His smile fell. "I think I've brought the man undeserved notoriety from it."

"'Notoriety' is an understatement, dwarf," Cassandra bit at Varric.

"I think Cullen is the kind of man to own his mistakes - and the consequences that come with them," Meira lifted a shoulder in a shrug.

"Either way, I want you to know that I think Cullen is a good man and I had a front row view of him in Kirkwall," Varric met Meira's eyes. Perhaps I should give the dwarf a chance.

Meira studied Varric a moment, her face softening. "You don't need to explain, Varric. I appreciate that you want to, but you don't need to. Cullen and I have already had this discussion; I trust the Commander to lead our men with fair and moral judgment." Maker, I love her.

Varric seemed relieved at Meira's words before he looked around the camp. "So, the templars join the Inquisition. Even with Cullen here, I never thought that would happen. Of course, after Kirkwall, I never thought anyone would use red lyrium on purpose, either." He shook his head, his lips pursing. "The templars should know better than anyone what that crap does to people. Finding more of it really punches a hole in my 'red lyrium at the temple was a coincidence' theory."

"What do you know about red lyrium? How fast does it grow? Spread?" Meira asked.

"It took years to infect people in Kirkwall, but no one there was actually ingesting the stuff," he replied. "This 'Elder One' managed to take the worst thing I can think of and make it worse." He sighed deeply. "That's an accomplishment."

"We need to figure out how to destroy it," Meira growled. "We can't leave a single piece of it around."

"I'm with you on that," the dwarf nodded. "I've got people trying to find out where the red stuff came from. I think maybe we should make that a priority." Varric waved a hand in the air. "But that's enough doom and gloom. You just won a big victory for the Inquisition!" He shot Meira a broad smile. "What're you going to do to celebrate?"

A playful smile spread on her lips. "I was planning to put my feet up. Maybe take a nap. You?"It warmed my heart to see her happy and I wanted nothing more than to feel that smile against my lips.

"Whatever I do, it'll be as far from Cassandra as I can get."

Meira bit her lip to keep from laughing as Cassandra sent Varric a death glare. "I amcapable of having fun."

Varric laughed. "I'd pay literal money to see it, Seeker." Cassandra gave him a disgusted snort in response. Varric flicked his eyes back to Meira. "Things should be calm around here for at least the next hour. Take a moment to enjoy it."

"I'd enjoy it more if we weren't sleeping in the same fortress where we'd just cut our way through monsters," Meira grumbled. "But beggars can't be choosers, right?" I smirked at her dry humor.

Varric chuckled. "If the world's about to end, I'm sure the Seeker will let us know." Meira laughed heartily at the responding pout Cassandra gave. Varric put away the parchment he'd been holding before clasping his hands across his knees. He hesitated a moment, but turned to Cassandra. "You know, Seeker, for someone with your tact and charisma you assembled a... pretty good little Inquisition. I'm giving you the benefit of the doubt and assuming you didn't drag them all here by force."

Cassandra rolled her eyes. "How kind of you." How Cassandra had not punched Varric was beyond me. I had seen her do it to others for lesser offenses - she'd done it to me.

"I mean, you never know, you could have kidnapped Ruffles and she'd be too polite to say anything," he flashed a wicked grin. Meira chuckled and so did I.

"Leliana recruited Josephine," Cassandra offered. "They're... friends."

"So there's a rationalexplanation after all. Just when I thought you had layers," Varric mocked a pout. He was twisting the knife pretty hard into Cassandra, still bitter over his being a prisoner prior to the Breach exploding. "It makes sense that Leliana did the recruiting when the Inquisition started. Not everyone can be intimidated into signing up after all."

Cassandra let out a huff of air. "I recruited Commander Cullen." My ears pricked at my name.

"Lucky him," Varric chuckled.

"He's made no complaints about my manners," Cassandra sat straighter, jutting her chin out. I chuckled at the bit of pride that seemed to bring her.

"His last boss was a raving lunatic who turned into a statue," Varric observed as he leaned towards Cassandra and mock-whispered, "That's not a high bar." No matter his words, that brought a smirk to my face. Though Cassandra was far superior to Meredith, they did both share a temper and ruthless streak.

Meira bit her lip as she studied the two. Cassandra had a slight blush on her cheeks in embarrassment and Varric was reveling in her discomfort. "So it's true that she turned into a statue?"

Varric turned his eyes to Meira. "Absolutely true. She's still there, bringing an extra dose of horror to the Gallows's tourists."

"No one's moved it... I mean her?" Cassandra asked.

"And make it impossible for children to play 'Who's Brave Enough to Poke Meredith?'" Varric questioned.

"They don't actually do that, do they?" Meira asked.

"No. No one's brave enough to poke Meredith."

"That is so strange," Meira mused. "The statue part, not the poking her part."

"It was even stranger to witness," Varric shook his head. "You should've seen the look on Curly's face."

My heart beat faster as the dwarf mentioned that night. I felt the even stones of the Gallows beneath my feet, heard the rumbling of thunder above my head, felt the chaos around me even as lyrium kept me calm. The other templars surrounded me, asking questions as to what was happening:

"The Right of Annulment was invoked and nearly carried out on the Circle of Ferelden when I was younger," I'd told Keran and Ruvena when they asked why Meredith had called for the Right and if she was in the right to do so. "There it would have been justified. Demons overran the whole tower. Here it's much harder to tell who's in the wrong." They'd looked at me in confusion. "I hope Meredith knows what she's doing. I will do what she commands of me, we all will...but something about this isn't right. I hope we can resolve this quickly and with little bloodshed. I am not looking forward to this." I didn't know why I was being so open with them, I had never been before - with any of the templars under me, but Hawke had chosen to stand with the mages. I couldn't help the whispers of doubt that had been growing in regards to Meredith, them growing louder as I looked into her eyes as she faced down Orsino. "You must steel yourself for what is to come," I encouraged them and myself.

"You want to know what he was like that night? If he really took the courageous stand I painted in the book?" Varric's voice brought me back to the present. Meira nodded in response. Varric paused a moment, a seriousness in his face I had not seen before. "He did and in that moment, Hawke was proud to know him." She'd been...proud? "Was it later than it should have been? Yeah - Hawke thought so too; but he did it - ignoring his superiors, ignoring the Order and even his own prejudices." I winced at those words, the truth hitting me square in the chest.

"Putting all of that aside, he stood between Meredith and Hawke for what was right - drawing his blade on his knight-commander that had gone too far." Varric thought a moment before he chuckled. "It was a moment that I could never have come up with - no one would have believed it. The lone templar who was the right-hand man of a fanatic standing against the chaos in a city ruled by the Order? The Order that had put a chokehold on its mages? The man having been instrumental in that chokehold? It doesn't sound plausible."

"Why do you think people still treat him with disdain?" Cassandra quirked a brow. "They don't believe it." She sighed. "Sometimes I don't think even the man in question believes it."

"He doesn't," Meira murmured as she stared at the flames of the fire. "It's good he no longer belongs to that life. Maybe one day he'll even realize he's free of it." They looked to her and nodded. Oh, Meira, I am trying. At her words, my feet moved of their own accord towards her.

"We've returned to the doom and gloom," Varric shook his head. "I say we put it to bed. So tell me - who do you think is the toughest: Josephine, Leliana, or Cassandra?"

"I'm right here, you know," Cassandra growled.

"That doesn't rule you out, Seeker." Varric shrugged.

"Cullen's not up for consideration?" Meira asked, quirking a brow.

Varric laughed heartily. "Curly? They just keep him around to look pretty." Meira howled a laugh.

"Do I want to know what has you so amused?" I questioned as I joined them. Meira blinked and looked at me. I met her eyes, letting my affection for her show just a bit.

"Apparently, we just keep you around to stare at," Cassandra grumbled.

"'Stare at'?" I quirked a brow as I looked at the three of them. "I fear I am missing context for the joke."

Meira chuckled. "Fear not, Commander. And Varric, if I had to choose - I'd say Josephine. Sorry, Cassandra."

Cassandra gave a small smile. "I agree with you, Herald. That woman frightens me and I've been a warrior for nearly twenty years."

Varric let out a laugh. "Solas owes me a sovereign."

"Maker's breath," I sighed. Honestly, how much betting did Varric and Solas do in regards to us all? I looked back to Meira, her eyes on me. I tried to muster up the words I wanted to say to her - to ask her to join me for a walk, but Cassandra and Varric spoke before I did.

"Well, I think I should get some rest," Varric said as he stood and stretched. "Long journey on foot tomorrow."

"As should I," Cassandra agreed. "Herald. Commander."

We bid them goodnight, watching as they walked to their tents. I turned back to Meira, but she was avoiding my eye. I took a deep breath and felt a surge of courage. "Would you accompany me for a walk?" I asked.

She nodded and stood, brushing herself off. She'd removed some of her armor and only had her staff, where I was still fully armored. After witnessing the corrupted templars, I felt more comfortable in my full armor while still at the fortress. We walked in silence for a ways, until we were out of reach of the firelight. I led us up the nearby stairs until we were overlooking the courtyard below, wanting to take her hand in mine, but sensing she was angry with me. She leaned on the railing and waited for me to speak.

"I...I am," I cleared my throat. "I am sorry."

"For?" she asked, her voice hard.

"My...cold behavior," I admitted. "I was...pushing you away."

She turned her eyes to me. The sky was full of stars and I could see her in their light. Soft and dim, but I could still make out her features. "Why?"

I looked up at the stars. So many and so beautiful. Why had I been cold to her at first? "I feared what...you thought of me." I closed his eyes. Shame. Shame at my behavior after the red lyrium. Shame at my fear before the demon. "The way I acted after...they tried to force red lyrium on me. How I...was paralyzed before the demon." I met her eyes after a moment.

She turned fully to me, anger in her voice as she spoke. "Why in the Maker's name would you believe that I would think badly of you for either of those reasons?" Her brow furrowed as she studied me. "Your ferocity and anger after they tried to force red lyrium on you was understandable." She closed her eyes tight for a moment. Her voice was softer as she spoke. "And the demon...I can hardly blame you; I barely escaped it. We've both scars already when it comes to demons."

I looked away from her, heat prickling on my neck as she looked at me with such understanding. "Still, I should be...stronger."

"Cullen," Meira breathed, tugging on my fur mantle. "You are one of the strongest people I know."

I met her eyes in surprise, before my face softened. I saw her lips part in response to the look on my face, her eyes flicking to my mouth. Yet, I hesitated to take her in my arms. "I could - I would- say the same about you."

She blushed. "I'm not strong," she murmured. "If I were strong...I..." She sighed and turned her back to me, leaning once more on the railing.

You are, Meira. You are so strong. All that you've faced, all that you've endured and yet you still smile? Laugh? Love? Trust? Hesitantly, I put a hand on her low back. She glanced back to me and I met her eyes, hoping my words were there. "Tell me."

"Because you've been so open?" She bit out. I flinched at her anger, but her face softened instantly as she straightened. "Forgive me."

"No...you - you're right," I sighed. "Everything that happened today brought back...everything."

"I know, Cullen," she said softly, her eyes searching my face. "Do you know how many times I wanted to take your hand and tell you it would be alright? That I wanted to comfort you any way I could?" I studied her. "Alas, I am the Herald and you the Commander. Yet, when I couldhave comforted you, you pushed me away."

My eyes fell. "I...I don't want - I wish that - Maker's breath," I growled.

She turned to me once more, taking my hand and leading us to a nearby doorway. My heart started hammering in my chest, my gut twisting with nerves and anticipation as she pulled me through. "What, Cullen? Talk to me."

It was dark in here. I could no longer see her, but I felt her. Her warmth, her eyes; heard her breathing, even her heartbeat. Why had I pushed her away? Shame, yes, but more than that. I clenched my teeth and forced myself to speak the words. "I don't want you tainted by my darkness."

"Cullen," she breathed as she put a hand against my cheek. I leaned into her touch and closed my eyes. "You think you're the only one with darkness? I could not survive mine without...without the Maker, without...you. Do not push me away in the hopes of sparing me - you're only harming yourself. Did I not tell you? I see you, blood and all, and I am unafraid."

Oh, Meira. Oh, my love. My darling. My heart. I put a hand over hers and pressed her palm harder against my skin. I thought of my memories haunting me, trapping me. I thought of the red templars and the red lyrium I had wanted for; thought of my rage as I cut them down. I thought of the fear that had kept me from protecting her from the demon. I thought of all the ways I could fail her. Do not falter. All the ways I had failed her. "I fear you should be afraid."

"I am not," she stated. "I am...I understand, Cullen. I do, but I also know you have been alone for far too long." My eyes flew open at those words, my mind returning to the cabin in the farmlands. I remembered her above me, eyes fierce as she demanded I listened. Felt as she laid next to me, draping an arm across my waist. "You're not alone anymore. You have me."

I felt her eyes studying me. My lips had parted as I'd begun to say something, but the words disappeared as she ran a thumb along my bottom lip. Oh, Maker. I inhaled sharply at the sensation and I couldn't hold back anymore. I pulled her into my arms, praying they were strong, steady and reassuring. She was here - we were here - together. I held her tighter against me, burying my face in her neck. "I was so worried for you. Can you forgive my cowardice?" I whispered.

"It was not cowardice, my knight," she assured. "You were afraid of it - fear is not cowardice. I saw how you fought to reach me as it dragged me away, saw how you fought the templars that tried to harm you. You are no coward. Being afraid of the demon - it took you back there, but I slaughtered it. Know that I can - I will- protect you, too. My Cullen, my lion."

I chuckled. "Lion?"

"The way you roared for me..." she murmured huskily.

My heart began hammering in earnest in my chest, my mind quieting, my gut tightening as she ran her hands up my cuirass. Hesitantly, she curled her fingers into my hair. My blood began to run hotter as my thoughts centered only on her. I pulled away after a moment to turn us so that her back was against the wall before my lips found hers.
I was gentle and soft a first, peppering her face with kisses before finding her lips again. To my surprise, she tilted her chin to better meet my mouth, standing on her tiptoes as her fingers combed through my hair before finding purchase in my fur. She pulled herself tighter to me. Oh, Meira. Oh, Maker. I couldn't moan - I wouldn't, but her response made me lose all reason.
The thought of nearly losing her, the way she'd spoken to me after ending the demon, the way she was kissing me, the smell of her - all were overwhelming my sense. My lips became unyielding as I parted hers. Fearing I'd made a grave mistake, I nearly broke away before she responded.
What followed caused the world to spin as every nerve in my being came alive. The smell of her, the taste of her, the eagerness with which she kissed me was breaking every ounce of self-control I had. I felt her shaking, felt as her knees began to give way, but I was not done and neither was she.
I growled as my hands swept the hourglass curves of her body before cupping underneath her thighs to lift her. The wall and my strength were now her supports. I prayed to the Maker that the weakness didn't come as she hooked her legs around my waist and moaned into my mouth.
At the sound, I was undone and I crushed her between me and the wall. She didn't seem to mind as she curled her fingers around my ears, running them through my hair as she did, to hold my face in her hands. As she did, she answered my passion with her own. I could not tell how long we stayed like that, but I didn't want it to end.
Eventually, my lungs betrayed me and I had to wrench my mouth from hers as I gulped down air. As I did, she curled herself around me, hugging me to her chest as she rested her cheek on the top of my head. She let out a contented sigh and sense reasserted itself.

Slowly, I lowered her and my cheeks burned with embarrassment at my loss of self-control. Yet, she had not stopped me nor was she objecting now. Hesitantly, I asked, "Did you enjoy that, my darling?"

I still couldn't see her face, but I sensed that she smiled. "The kiss or the roar?"

I blushed and rubbed the back of my neck. "Both?"

She chuckled breathily. "Very much so."

"Maker's breath," I breathed and turned even redder. "It...that wasn't too much?"

She touched my face. "That was...new." I was unsure what to say to that. "And I felt...free." Her voice was thick with those words and my heart filled with tender love for her. I placed a hand on her cheek and stroked along her cheekbone. "Don't misunderstand me, I enjoy the tender side of you...but I...could have more of that." She ran a finger along the scar on my lip as it pulled into a smirk.

I cleared my throat as desire burned in my gut. I curled my fingers around her wrist. "So-so could I. To be honest, that's part of why I was keeping my distance...I," I cleared my throat again. "I was worried...I'd -" My face was burning now as words escaped me.

"Claim my virtue?" she asked, fighting a smile as she quirked a brow.

"What? No! That's not...I wasn't even...why - how - Maker!" I swore.

She laughed merrily and despite my embarrassment, the sound eased the tension in my chest. "You just had your tongue in my mouth and you're saying you weren't thinking about my...virtue?"

"Sweet blood of Andraste," I groaned as I felt my blush spread to my ears and down my neck. "No! I was not. Maker. You-you sound like Rylen."

"You're so adorable when you're flustered," she murmured. "Tell me, my knight, do you often kiss Rylen that way?"

"My darling, please," I begged as I choked with laughter.

She chuckled and stood on tiptoes to press her mouth to mine. "My Cullen. My adorable, awkward, sweet, handsome, alluring, brave, funny lion."

"I am not sure if I am to be offended or pleased," I growled against her mouth.

"They are only words of adoration, my knight," she promised.

"In that case, my lady," I stated huskily as I smirked, "Let me show you the depths of my gratitude."

We kissed passionately once more. I made Meira pay for her comments by kissing her until we were both gasping for air, to her amused chuckle. When we broke away, she brought her hand up to my face, magic glowing there. "Is it alright if I use magic? Our...recent affections are pretty plain," she explained, amusement in her voice.

"Alright," I consented. My skin cooled and tingled as she used a bit of frost and healing magic to erase the evidence of our passion from our faces before we started to descend the stairs. Only a few steps down, now able to see her in the starlight, she gestured for me to sit as she did the same.

As I sat, she recounted everything that had happened to her in the Fade, all the ways Envy had hurt her. Everything she had seen - including me succumbing to red lyrium, the monster I had become. She put her hand on my cheek as she told me how seeing me pinned to the ground had frightened her. I looked away in humiliation, but she turned me gently back to her, assuring that I had nothing to be ashamed of as she stroked my cheek.

"Tell me about Samson," she asked quietly. "It...rattled you when that templar mentioned him and you clearly have history. Who is he? He was mentioned in Tale of the Champion, but only briefly."

I scowled as I let out a deep sigh. "Raleigh Samson. When I was first transferred to Kirkwall, I shared quarters with him. He seemed a decent man at first and I knew him to be an accomplished templar. Meredith later expelled him for 'erratic behavior'. He ended up begging on Kirkwall's streets. He committed further crimes, but managed to evade the Order's justice."

"Do you really think it's him?" Meira quirked a brow.

"We won't know for certain until we begin to look into this whole business, but given the templar's threat and the letter we found," I looked away from her as I thought of myself upon the ground, pinned like an animal. Heard their song, felt as they wrenched my mouth open and the red eyes of the one who'd nearly poisoned me. I ignored the hunger for lyrium that licked up my throat. Would they have bested me if I'd been taking it? Thoughts of using lyrium came as well as memories of Samson's addiction. I curled my lip. "I would not be surprised."

"If you thought him a decent man at one time, what changed?" Meira probed.

I found her eyes. "He had a chronic lyrium addiction," I said quietly and relinquished a bit of truth. Will she guess? Or will I have to tell her eventually? She had already noticed some of the symptoms of withdrawal. When she'd asked, I'd given her a half-truth in response. I knew it was wrong, knew she deserved the whole truth, but she had so much on her mind already, I didn't want to add yet another stress. "To some degree...all templars have an addiction, but there are those who...go beyond the normal level. Samson was such a one. When he turned to begging, he apparently spent every coin he made on lyrium by buying it from local smugglers. He turned to smuggling out apostates from Kirkwall to earn said coin when begging didn't make enough to meet his needs."

"It sounds like Samson had a miserable life,"

"The Order expelled him," I relented. I knew how difficult it was to step away from that life to try again - and I'd stepped away for a position promised. Samson had had nothing, but he chose his addiction and however he could pay for it. "But he had choices. He could've found another path, but he chose lyrium and crime."

"That's a little harsh, Cullen," she studied my face as I looked at her. "Surely, you can have a little sympathy for the man?"

"Not if he's the one responsible for the devastation caused here," I clenched my jaw. If he knew and still poisoned these templars - had a demon do it for him - he did not deserve my sympathy.

"I thought you said he evaded the Order's justice - and yet you know all of this about him?"

Shrewd indeed. "I did know Hawke and Guard-Captain Aveline. They had their ears to the underbelly of Kirkwall. Samson might have evaded justice, but that didn't mean I was unaware of what he was up to. Besides, Kirkwall was not like Kinloch. I was out in the field more often than not; I became more acquainted with the dark side of the world than I ever wanted to."

"How-how well did you know Hawke?" she asked, unable to meet my eyes at the question. "The way Varric writes you two in Tale of the Champion..."

"Maker's breath," I groaned. "Not in that sense, I assure you. Varric added it for 'dramatic flair' I assume."

"But you were friends?" she questioned still looking away from him.

"I suppose." I leaned forward until I caught her eye. "I will admit there may have been some...flirtation - more on Hawke's part than my own, but I was honest when I told you I had never been with anyone. Perhaps, I should clarify and say I have never even been in a relationship with anyone." I chuckled darkly. "Perhaps that is why I'm not very good at this."

"What do you mean you're not good at this?" she asked, her brow furrowing.

"I...keep floundering," I looked away, heat growing in my face once more. "You asked to move at a slow pace, but I keep pressing for...more - I do not mean to, but," I thought of our passionate kiss, of her thighs in my hands and that fire seared my insides as I wanted for her. I sighed. "You asked me to be your steady shoulder...I pushed you away only to pull you back to kiss you...passionately. All I've done is...kiss you, but I haven't...properly wooed you." A bitter smirk pulled my lips.

She let out a breathy chuckle. "And what, pray tell, my knight, would proper wooing look like amidst this chaos?" She leaned against my shoulder as I let out a breathy chuckle. "And as far as I'm concerned, you've been plenty steady - today not counting for either of us, since it was awful." She met my eyes and I looked at her softly. "As for your affections, my lion, I...expected nothing less. What I meant for a slow pace was...sex." She blushed deeply and looked away from me. My own face burned at the word - at the thought of us...how I longed for her. "I...I'm not sure when I will be ready for that. For...us to...enjoy that level of intimacy. I...am unsure how...I -" She closed her eyes and clenched her jaw. My love. "I may not be ready for... quite some time. Can you...will you -"

She feared that I would grow impatient. I cursed myself internally for losing control and kissing her that way. How could she not think that I was desperate for her? How do I reassure her that I would wait? I tipped her chin with my fingers, lifting her face to mine, ignoring the blood pounding in my face. "I-I would wait an eternity for you, my darling."

She smiled bitterly. "I pray it is not an eternity."

"Meira," I spoke, my voice commanding. Her eyes met mine. "I will wait as long as you need. I will do whatever you need of me. I will not...make love to you until you are ready. There is no need for you to rush or push yourself. You have nothing to fear. I am not going anywhere." I kissed her tenderly, with as much gentleness as I could, but with equal passion. She seemed to almost enjoy it more than the last, so I poured all my love into it. I held her face in my hands as she gripped my wrists. I slid my hands away from her face and took her hands in mine. "What did you mean you 'expected nothing less' when you talked of my affections?" I asked softly as I entwined our fingers and caressed her nose with my own.

She chuckled, sheepishly. "I know you well enough to have had...an idea of how you would show your affection. Despite your...uncertainty...you have - you are…deeply passionate."

"Hmm," was all I said in response, feeling wholly seen by her at those words. "I must admit, sometimes I find it frightening how well you seem to know me."

"I had lots of time to study you," she smirked. "Perhaps that should frighten you."

I barked a laugh. "It would if I had not been studying you just as intently." I met her eyes, an embarrassed grin on my lips as I thought of her in the tower. "Honestly, I couldn't keep my eyes off you. But we hadn't even spoken." I smiled softly at her as I drank in her beauty in the starlight. "I still can't keep my eyes off you."

"It's the dreadlocks isn't it?" She mused as she fussed with her false hair. "They certainly have a wild quality to them."

I chuckled before leaning in to kiss her soundly, drinking in her laughter as I did.

...

After a time, we finally returned to the courtyard, not wanting to separate, but we bid each other goodnight. I did not show my fear to Meira as I left her to face the demons that would haunt me in my dreams tonight. I crawled into my tent, removing my armor only because I knew I would not be able to lay down with it on.
I considered just staying awake, forcing myself to walk the perimeter of the fortress again and again until dawn came, but the way my eyelids were betraying me told me it would be a losing battle. I laughed bitterly as my eyes caught on the box that contained lyrium. My medicines gone, there would be no relief for the pain, no comfort found in their soothing effects. I would face these demons - these memories - in their full strength tonight. Maker, though the darkness comes upon me, I shall embrace the Light. I shall weather the storm. I shall endure.

Maker, Andraste, give me strength. I stripped down to my tunic and leather breeches before sitting upon my bedroll. I folded my hands and bowed my head in prayer. "O Maker, hear my cry: Guide me through the blackest nights. Steel my heart against the temptations of the wicked. Make me to rest in the warmest places. O Creator, see me kneel: For I walk only where You would bid me. Stand only in places You have blessed. Sing only the words You place in my throat. My Maker, know my heart: Take from me a life of sorrow. Lift me from a world of pain. Judge me worthy of Your endless pride. My Creator, judge me whole: Find me well within Your grace. Touch me with fire that I be cleansed. Tell me I have sung to Your approval. O Maker, hear my cry: Seat me by Your side in death. Make me one within Your glory. And let the world once more see Your favor. For You are the fire at the heart of the world, and comfort is only Yours to give." Tears wet my eyes as I finished and my soul ached with the words, begging that they would hear me. I continued to pray over and over until at last, no matter how I fought, I drifted into sleep.

Reyna's demon was gone, but the others that had crossed the Veil of their own accord now circled me outside the magical cage. All in Meira's form, all calling to let them please me - knowing I would please them; sensing how I hungered for them, for her. I was trapped. I knew it wasn't real, knew I had escaped, but I knew I wouldn't wake up either.
They circled and circled, laughing at me as I panted the Chant, as I humiliated myself in terror. Entering the cage, they caressed me as I covered my ears at their promises. They'd pull my hands away, whispering of my darkest desires being fulfilled if only I gave in. They'd take my face in their hands, speaking softly and with such enticement I'd nearly give in.
I'd fight - thrashing, kicking, punching, swinging my blade - all ineffective. No! Leave me! When I fought, they'd hiss and their caresses would turn to gropes. I'd kick them away, only for them to trap me between them. They'd take turns being Meira - either the Meira who loved me or the Meira turned abomination; sometimes both. One promising to make love to me while the other promised to kill me.
I could resist the lustful Meira, knowing I'd already done that, but the Meira turned abomination: I couldn't stop as my blade went through her again and again; knowing I'd already been willing to kill her once. I couldn't stop the cry she released, the fear in her eyes, the betrayal and hurt. I couldn't look away as she bled out before me. I heard and felt as I was congratulated over her dead body, awarded the title of Knight-Commander all the while my eyes never left her fixed stare, devoid of life. Meira. Meira.
I couldn't block out my screams as her body rose to attack me. My feet faltering, my body freezing - unable to fight her. She'd whisper my name as she tore me open, as she feasted on me while I watched. I felt it - every bit of that pain - as if it were truly happening. I screamed and cried. Cried out to the Maker, cried out to Andraste, cried out for my mother.
Then it'd end and the demons would laugh at my pathetic display; drinking in my fear, my pain, my want to be free of this torture, for them to just take my life. One would coo that if they killed me, their entertainment would be over and they hadn't had this much fun in quite some time.
They'd straddle me, taking liberties as they explored my armored body, finding the places where I was unprotected. You arepretty to look at. Why don't you play with us? You'd please us so well. Come, let us please you. Will you let us adore you?
Again and again the cycle repeated until I know longer knew what was real and what was the demons' illusion. Until I no longer knew what I wanted and what they told me I wanted. Until I no longer knew anything outside that cage; no longer knew any words beyond the Chant falling from my lips.
A piece of me, the single part of me that was still whole, told me it wasn't real, to keep fighting, to keep resisting. I listened to that piece of myself, feeling an odd sense of peace from it even as I felt my very soul fraying, my mind sundering. My body was wracked with the pain of withdrawal - shaking, sweating, vomiting and so thirsty. I was starving, dehydrated and my heart could not stop pounding in fear.
I forced myself to crawl out of that cage. Forced myself to leave behind the boy trapped there; to block out his weeping, his fear, his cry for relief through death. A last cry for the demons to leave me sounded as I tumbled out of the cage onto a pile of rotting corpses. The stench filling my nostrils and making my eyes water.
Instead of the demons' hands, skeletal hands groped at me pulling me further into the writhing mass of decaying bodies. I saw their dead eyes full of betrayal, terror and a silent cry for help. I heard their dying whispers as they called out to me, wanting to know why I hadn't done more, why I hadn't stopped Meredith, why I hadn't listened to everyone who told me what she had become. I kept being pushed down amongst the heap, suffocating on the miasma of decay as I fell into darkness.
At the bottom, I landed on my feet. My heart pounding and with it, blue pulsed in synchrony. I heard the song, felt the warmth of the liquid and the sweet relief it would bring if I just drank.
As the blue pulsed brighter, my heart sped up with my breathing, I saw the little box at my feet. My hands shaking, my body slick with sweat as I fought the urge to pick it up. No! It opened of its own accord, revealing the philter of shimmering liquid within. The philter drifted to me and danced before my eyes.
Beyond the bottle, I saw myself as I was while on lyrium: sedate, angry, unfeeling and cold. I saw the man who had been too weak to resist manipulation; too trusting to fight wrong orders; too dependent on lyrium to feel safe - to feel strong. Next to him stood the me of today who'd been too frightened to defeat the demon. They joined into one, becoming my eighteen-year-old self receiving my first philter of lyrium, which he held out to me. I licked my lips, saliva flooding my mouth. As it did, lyrium dribbled down his chin and glowed in his eyes.
No, I won't take it.I swatted the bottle away only for it to be caught by Meredith. Leave me! Her eyes burned red as she stared me down, sneering at my weakness; at my softness for mages. The philter turned red in her hand as she approached the younger reflection of me. She yanked his head back and poured the red down his throat. No! No! No!
I watched as he - as I - turned into one of the red ones. Skin tearing, bones breaking, limbs elongating and twisting into a being of flesh and lyrium. A monstrosity. As if all of my sins, all of my failures were on full display in those red crystals that took over my body. As I gave into the rage, the bitterness, the hatred, the weakness I had been trying so desperately to fight. He stared me down, a bitter sadness in crimson his eyes. Those eyes begged to know why I ever set foot on the path to becoming a templar as this was the inevitable end.
I opened my mouth to speak, but he roared at me in rage before tackling me to the ground. He pinned me beneath him as he took one of those crystals and slowly shoved it into my wildly beating heart. I screamed out in pain and defiance as in one last desperate attempt, I used all my strength to flip him onto his back.

I stared into his face. Now worried and his eyes green. Green? "Cullen, please," his voice pleaded, but it was wrong. It wasn't my voice. It wasn't even a man's voice. It was...hers. It was...Meira's voice. Suddenly, a soft light appeared, revealing Meira beneath me.

I was atop her, pinning her with my full weight, my hands gripping her wrists painfully. Oh, Maker! Oh, Maker! Maker! I blinked, trying to shake myself out of my dreams; out of my memories and come back to the present. My entire body shook and I realized I was breathing raggedly. Meira. It's Meira. We're in my tent. She's in my tent. Why? "M-Meira?" I panted.

"Yes, you're safe. It was a nightmare," she explained, her voice calm, a soft smile on her lips, despite her worry.

"Meira?" I croaked. Oh, Maker, what have I done?As gently as I could, I release her wrists and backed as far away from her as I could on my hands and knees. I tried to get as far away as I could, but the tent was tiny. I studied her face, terrified that I had hurt her. I felt the remnants of her magic on my skin - ice on my wrists and along my forehead where she'd tried to cool me down. "Maker, Meira. What are you doing in here?" I felt myself still shaking, the weakness bordering on overwhelming in the wake of the nightmares.

"It's a long story," she murmured, her eyes searching my face. "Are you alright?"

"I'm fine, Meira. Tonight is -" I let out a groan of pain as my arms buckled from under me. Maker, please, don't let her see me like this.

"Cullen!" She lunged for me, catching me before I hit the ground. "Cullen, please, tell me what I can do." She cradled my head in her lap, running her fingers through my sweat dampened hair.

"Tonight is not a good night," I murmured bitterly after the weak spell subsided. "Please, don't worry." I sat up and stroked her cheek.

"Purpose was concerned enough to drop me here," she grumbled. "And I am most assuredly worried." She wrapped her arms around me, pulling me close.

"I am sorry," I apologized, wanting to release myself from her grip, but not wanting to leave it either. "Did I hurt you?"

"Don't apologize," she rubbed her fingers along my neck. "You didn't hurt me, I was prepared. Let me care for you."

"Al-alright," I conceded. "What -"

"First, your clothes are wet and it's too cold for you to sleep that way. You'll get sick. Let me dry everything," she instructed. "While I do that, you need to drink plenty of water." She passed me the skein of water I had in the tent.

"You...you want me to undress?" I asked, heat rising in my face.

"Cullen, I want you to undress so I can dry your clothes. Fear not, Commander, I will not take advantage of you," she flashed an impish grin that didn't quite reach her eyes. Not the demon. The demon could never get her humor right.

I blushed deeply. "That's not- I wasn't- Maker's breath."

She chuckled as she put her back to me. She had started to dry my wool blanket. I began to undress, doing my best to ignore the blush spreading all over my face - my body - as I did. While she worked, she told me how she ended up in my tent. The potion she'd been taking to keep her out of the Fade had been destroyed by the corrupted templars.
Upon waking in the Fade, Purpose had been there to guide her. Her voice was elated as she described everything the spirit had showed her, of what she had learned how to do. She'd been able to see Therinfal in its every state throughout time, had been able to speak with other spirits that inhabited the Fade nearby. As she spoke of them, they sounded much like people, but their actions and words were the embodiment of the emotion they represented. She laughed as she told me how a spirit of courage had helped us with our kiss; expressed her gratitude as she described how a spirit of valor had assisted us in our fight against the corrupted templars.
I asked the occasional question, wanting to understand, but mostly wanting to soak in her voice as she spoke so passionately about it. I worried for her, worried what these powers meant for her, but she was so...excited. How she could manipulate the Fade, learn from the spirits - all that she could potentially do. So I listened, knowing I would have to voice my concern eventually, but for now I let her speak.
The things she could do - had done - proved hard for my mind to wrap around. I could tell as she spoke that, no matter her excitement, she knew the darkness that lurked at the heart of her abilities. That became all the more evident as she described Purpose's final lesson for her: entering dreams.

"Purpose wanted you to enter dreams?" I asked, pausing my struggle to shimmy my leather breeches off. My sweat slick skin causing them to cling to me. Maker, what must she think of me?

"To help," Meira nodded, her voice quiet. "He says I am a bridge between the mortal world and the Fade. That mages like me should be able to help mortals that suffer in their dreams." She paused a moment as if she wanted to turn, but she didn't. "He wanted me to help you, but I refused. I will not enter another's dreams without their permission. I would not betray your trust like that."

A deep sense of gratitude flooded through me at her words. What she would have seen tonight...Maker, thank you. I leaned towards her, placing my hand on her slender shoulder and running my thumb along the curve of her shoulder and neck. "Thank you," I breathed. I let her go to grab my damp clothes, placing them next to her leg. She passed the wool blanket to me and I swung it around my shoulders to cover my naked body. I tried not to think of the fact that I was in only my smalls and Meira sat before me in nothing but the hide bodysuit that clung to her every curve. After a moment, she turned to me and I looked away from her to keep my gaze from dropping to her torso.

I pulled the blanket tighter around me as I reached to grab my fur mantle. I held it out to her, her dark brow quirking. I cleared my throat, unable to meet her eyes. "Cou-Could you put this on, please?"

Confused, she took the mantle, her fingers brushing mine and searing me as my nerves tingled. In my peripheral, I saw her put her arms through the mantle and pull it around her. Tugging my blanket tighter still, I scratched an itch on my chin as my face burned with a blush. I cleared my throat. "Did you...enjoy the Fade?"

She smiled. Maybe this wasn't a good idea, either. I was enraptured by her in my fur and thoughts came unbidden that I forced away. I concentrated on her words. "I did. It was...amazing. The spirits, what I can do. It was also frightening, but I don't think it's a bad thing to have a healthy dose of reverence for the powers I seem to hold."

"I do not believe so either," I nodded, glancing at her. "I will admit, it does sound extraordinary." She smiled wider at me and I had to look away again to avoid being impertinent. I couldn't help the shiver that ran down my spine that had nothing to do with the cold.

"I'm nearly finished," she assured as she continued to work on my clothing. I could not find the words to be able to speak with her and she did not seem to mind sitting in silence as she worked her magic. My eyes were drawn to her hands as the light and power weaved through her slender fingers and into the fabric of my tunic. I glanced up at her face, watching as she concentrated. "Does it bother you?" she asked as her eyes met mine.

I quirked a brow. "What?"

"My magic? Does it bother you for me to use it?" she asked.

I shook my head. "There was a time - the smallest use would send me back there, but...that has lessened." I met her jade eyes. "That's not to say that I want mages going unchecked. I trust you. Trust Bethany and the others that have proven themselves in the Inquisition. I still struggle with my trust of magic, but...perhaps someday I can remember the good before I remember the bad."

"I'm sorry," she offered. "I'm glad it is getting better."

My lips twitched. "As am I. I was growing tired of caring for my own wounds all the time."

"After your excellent care of the cut on your lip?" she quirked a brow, fighting a smile. "You should consider becoming a healer yourself."

I smirked. "I don't think my patients would appreciate my work."

"Mmm, but I do," she purred as she boldly looked at the scar on my lip before her eyes flicked over me. Maker, what a sight I must be. Naked, bundled in a blanket, no doubt an utter mess from my nightmares.Blood pounded in my face, but I gave her a sheepish smile as she smiled at me. "That should do it." She handed me my clothes. Without thinking, I shrugged out of the blanket before she had turned, exposing my upper body to her. I swallowed thickly as I watched her glance over me; watched as her own throat bobbed before she put her back to me. Blood pumping hotter through my being, I quickly dressed before I did something foolish.

"Done." I stated and she turned. I met her eyes. "Thank you for...tonight."

"I apologize for Purpose just dropping me in here. I wasn't aware spirits could dothat," she rolled her eyes.

I chuckled. "They seem to have taken a particular interest in you."

"In you as well, it seems," she murmured. She met my eyes and blushed a little. "I should get back to my own tent."

"I suppose you should," I rested my arms on my knees, gripping my hands to keep from taking her into my arms. Even though I want you to stay.

"I'll see you soon," she smiled as she removed my mantle and I had to look away again.

"See you soon," I choked out, my heart pounding in my throat.

She turned to the tent flap and just as she was opening it, I lunged forward to grasp her hips. Gently, I pulled her back against me, wrapping my arms around her waist. My heart was thundering, my breathing ragged again as I buried my face in the crook of her neck. I grazed the exposed skin along the curve of her neck with my nose and lips. "Meira," I whispered against the skin below her ear and I felt her shudder against me. "Meira, Meira," I kept murmuring against her skin, feeling her pulse quicken beneath my lips as she leaned into my touch, a sigh tumbling from her mouth. That fire blazed in my core, my heart pumping faster and faster, my control threatening to slip again. I held her tighter for a moment before I released her. She turned, her eyes dark and it took every ounce of my will not to put her beneath me and capture her mouth in a passionate kiss as she ran a thumb along my cheek. She practically threw herself out of the tent and I groaned as I tossed myself back onto my bedroll. Maker, this will be the death of me - if withdrawal doesn't take me first.

...

There was no more sleep to be had as that fire continued to burn within me, bringing only thoughts of Meira to mind. I tossed and turned on my bedroll, my arms aching to hold her. With a growl, I wrenched myself off the ground and began strapping my armor back on before collecting my things, rolling up my bedroll and flicking the flap of my tent open.
I spotted Meira, my eyes going to her - finding her - on their own. She stood with Cassandra outside their tent, her armor - thankfully - in place. I made my way over to them, my eyes hardly straying from Meira as I came closer and I noticed the blush blooming on her cheeks. I gave her a smirk in response which made her look away from me.

"Herald," I nodded when I stood before them. "Lady Cassandra," I nodded. "We should speak with Barris before we depart."

"A moment, my dears," Vivienne's voice spoke from behind Meira and we turned. "It is good that you salvaged as many templars as you did, my dear. We will need every templar, but they will require proper management. We also need to increase our lyrium supplies considerably. The Chantry may still have stockpiles we can use."

"Commander Cullen will look into it," Meira gestured to me, her eyes finding mine. "You already have a supply line, do you not?"

"I-" I began. She trusts me with this?

Vivienne's dark eyes landed on me. "You undoubtedly did, but it was established before the Divine Conclave." Vivienne looked back to Meira. I furrowed my brow and crossed my arms over my chest. "The situation has changed. The Breach has done more than disfigure the sky. The Veil itself is broken. All mages, no matter how skilled, are now in danger of drawing demons to them. Before this crisis is over, you may find that templars, flawed as they may be, are all that stand between us and chaos."

"You have a low opinion of your fellow mages," Meira stated to the woman as her brow quirked.

"It is not a matter of opinion, my dear," Vivienne reasoned. "I have a close relationship with reality. Many of my colleagues do not. Magic is dangerous, just as fire is dangerous. Anyone who forgets this truth gets burned."

"I agree, Vivienne," Meira inclined her head. Meira remembered the dangers of magic, but knew that her fellow mages were not entirely without self-control. The problem was the Breach made for an unexpected variable - we didn't know how much it was affecting mages. Would her magic change with it's closure? Would things return to normal once it was closed or was the damage it had done permanent?

Vivienne studied Meira intently for a moment. "Tell me something. You said once that you wanted to change things. What future would you build for mages?"

"As I've said, the Circle has to be restored if we want to keep the peace, but I would see it changed. The Order as well, from the foundation up. If yesterday was not proof enough of the desperate need for change," Meira offered. "We already spoke on the details of my thoughts."

"It is still a comfort to know that you would see the Circles restored, but you'll find opposition to the idea even among friends," she warned. "Even more so what will constitute as sufficient 'change'. It's something to consider, my dear."

"I shall, Madame Vivienne," Meira gave a slight bow. "Will you be alright here until the Inquisition soldiers come?"

"No need to worry about me, my dear," Vivienne had turned to leave, but looked over her shoulder. "Nobles and templars; both crowds I am used to handling."

"If you've need of anything, do let us know." Vivienne gave a smirk in response, but nodded slightly.

"I thought I was the only mage who sees the value of templars," Meira muttered as she watched Vivienne walk away.

"Perhaps your opinion is biased, Herald?" Cassandra quirked a brow.

I coughed in surprise as Meira let out a chuckle at Cassandra's wit. "Perhaps, Seeker." Meira glanced at me. "What about the lyrium, Cullen?"

I met her gaze. "We will have to reestablish supply lines, Vivienne is correct. I know Josephine was working on a few connections, but we will address it upon our return."

Meira glanced away, a thought crossing her face. "Is it necessary for templars to use lyrium? Seekers can use their own and templar abilities without it. Perhaps we can find a way to allow templars to use their abilities without the lyrium and the fear of addiction." Meira looked between Cassandra and I.

I looked at Meira in surprise and did my best to ignore Cassandra's eyes that were boring into my face. "I would welcome such research."

"But yesterday you were upset with Cassandra for suggesting it?" Meira cocked her head.

"Right now, lyrium is the only way we know of for them to use their abilities - and we needthem to use their skills. However, if we can find a way for them to deny magic, free of lyrium - once the Breach is sealed - I would give my full support," I explained.

"I hope it can be done. Lyrium is too easy a way to manipulate the men and women of the Order," Cassandra growled.

"And now with red lyrium," Meira murmured. "We need to do away with it all, if we can." I need to tell her.

"Well, are we ready to get this show on the road?" Varric's gravelly voice asked as he approached.

...

We were well away from Therinfal, Meira recounting the events of yesterday upon Varric's request. She had just been getting to the part with Purpose and Cole when the boy appeared next to her. Varric let out a surprised yell and a swear that made me blush after coughing. Cassandra and I stepped away from the boy.

"I startled again, didn't I?" Cole asked. "I stayed hidden with the templars, unless they needed me. They wouldn't like me."

"It's alright, Cole," Meira assured. "I'm just glad you're not hurt."

"I am not hurt, I help the hurt," he looked to Meira. This...spirit. I wish it made sense.

"I meant, I'm glad you're not injured," Meira corrected.

"No. It's less loud here," he looked to the ground again.

"Good," Meira smiled.

Cole looked to her. "You took in the templars. You let them stay in strength even after what they did. Their own people." He sounded upset. "It is dangerous when too many men in the same armor think they're right. You should prepare. It's already getting louder."

"What's going to be loud?" Meira asked.

"I don't know, but there are echoes, rushing back across us, ripples in a pond from a stone, but backward." Meira glanced at me. I was pretending not to listen to the creature, but my ears pricked up at his mention of preparing. I could have sworn I heard Meira chuckle. "But first, you seal it. I hope it hurts less. I'll help if I can, but I don't always say it right."

Meira looked to the boy, her face softening. "You helped me at the Seeker fortress. Say it however you like."

Cole seemed surprised. "I helped. It's good to hear. I will try."

"So...who is this?" Varric asked, a brow raised.

"This is Cole, the spirit that helped me against Envy," Meira stated to the dwarf.

"You are Varric," Cole stated.

"That's right," Varric nodded before he studied the boy for a moment. "Why do you look human?"

"It was the shape that would help," Cole looked to Varric.

"Huh. Most people don't picka shape," Varric observed. "I guess I was hoping for something deeper with that question."

"It had to be him," Cole murmured. "But harmless. The him he wanted that wouldn't hurt." I scowled at his nonsensical words.

"Well that's... deeper. I think," Varric voiced.

Meira turned back to Cole. "I'd like to talk with you about the templars. You observed them for a time before we arrived."

I nearly tripped over my own feet at Meira's question. What would she ask a spirit about templars? Why didn't she ask me? What would the spirit say? Was she safe to trust it?

"They're heavy with forgotten songs, like Varric. Some of them are too loud," Cole's brow furrowed. "It's hard to stay near them. Cullen is softer, but demons asked questions that hurt him." I inhaled sharply at the boy's words. "Evangeline was kinder." Forgotten songs? I am softer? How did this creature know about the demons' questions? I was there for a moment, but I pulled myself back to the present. Is it demon or spirit? Cole became agitated. "I want to explain, but I...Rhys's mother spoke to spirits, but not to him. Then she died for a templar he loved. Words just bounce off the edges."

"What is your opinion of templars?" Meira asked.

"Some like hurting mages," Cole stated, his voice dark. "It makes them happy, or less afraid, or..." He became agitated again. "Dreams again, woke up shaking. Stalking the grounds for one who looks like her. Always some rule being broken." I closed my eyes at those words, them nearly a perfect description of Meredith - searching for her mage sister. He settled. "But not all templars listen when whispers crawl around inside them. They try to protect people." He glanced my way, his blue-grey eyes finding mine before he turned back to Meira. "Like Cullen. The good ones remember that mages are people."

"Guess you even have admirers in the Fade, Curly," Varric laughed.

"I do not think that's what it meant," I growled.

"Cole," Cole spoke, slightly offended. "My name is Cole. Not 'it'. Old whispers stir, old scars itch as the spirit talks - but it soothes, they sounded like screams. Is it spirit or demon? Is she safe? Am I?" Cole looked up at me again, his eyes boring into mine. "I want to help. They wanted to hurt." It...it read my mind. My hands went to my sword, but I couldn't help the blush that crept into my cheeks.

Meira glanced at me, a small smile on her face as she watched me for a moment before looking back to Cole. I looked away from her, rubbing the back of my neck."Can you tell me more about how the templars feel to you?"

"They feel older than they look," Cole voiced. "They've been changed, and their bodies are incomplete now." I whipped my head back towards Cole at his words. "The lyrium helps, but their bodies always want to connect to...something older. Bigger than they are." How does he know this? How does he describe it so well? "That's why they block magic. They reach for that other thing, and magic has no room to come in. Like when I listen to Varric."

"We've just met, kid," Varric chuckled.

"You just met me, but I'd already met you," Cole said to Varric.

"Well that's...different," Varric's smile faltered.

"How are the red templars different?" Meira asked Cole, her voice nearing impatient.

The boy turned back to Meira. "The red lyrium is different, darker. Daggers under the skin. It eats you inside, until you're nothing. They hear a different song. The song behind the door old whispers want opened. They are dead and dark and done." Like Meredith. I'd watched my mentor, flawed as she was, go from a woman who tired to be reasonable to a woman completely twisted by her fear. Would I become that? I still feared magic. Not as badly as I had, but if these nightmares continued...would I be able to - Cole turned to me and spoke, "Just because she was red, doesn't mean you are."

I stared at him for a moment before looking away. I did not like that he shared my intimate thoughts with the others; did not like the fact that he could hear them, understand them almost better than I could.

"So you could make people not see you, Cole," Varric voiced. "Can you do that for other people?"

"Yes," Cole nodded as he looked to the dwarf. "It makes me tired, and doesn't work if they're loud. Or angry. Or bright."

"Hm, what about things? Can you make people ignore an object?"

Cole thought a moment. "Maybe. Like what?"

Varric was fighting a smirk. "Oh, I don't know. A book, or a box...or a crate...or a wagon full of crates?"

"Dwarf," Cassandra hissed.

"I'm just asking!" Varric stated.

Cassandra made a disgusted noise as Meira laughed.

"So Curly, how are you going to make it up to me for costing me ten silvers?" Varric asked as his russet eyes found me.

I started stammering, my face going red.

"What?" Meira asked. "Why'd he cost you ten silvers?"

"I-" I began to speak.

"-No, I want to hear this one as well," Cassandra cut me off. I shot her a glare.

"I had more faith in Curly's defenses," Varric shrugged. "I guess he cares for you too much to not talk about it when given the opportunity."

"Blood hot, heart pounding, hands shaking as I long to hold her. I toss and turn, thinking only of her eyes as they sparkle, her laugh as it warms my heart, her lips on mine, of her curves under my hands. Does she know? Does she know what she means to me?" Cole spoke. "I want to tell her, but is she ready? Does she feel the same?"

"Oh, ho, sounds like there's a little more going on here than crushes and flirtation," Varric chuckled. "Tell us more, kid."

"Do not," I barked at Cole.

"So that was you?" Varric quirked a brow. "I thought maybe he was reading my mind, nope - it was you, Curly." Varric turned to Meira. "Your beau couldn't wait to fess up to Chuckles how he feels about you when they were talking about having that staff made for you, Talitha." The dwarf sighed. "I bet the elf five silvers that he couldn't get Curly to admit it in less than three tries - Chuckles did it in two. This was after he told me of the whole 'bait and switch' plan - genius." Varric snorted. "Just let me be around when Curly gets you two confused and tries to kiss Ellana."

Meira and Cassandra laughed heartily. The dwarf flashed me a wicked grin and I wanted to crawl into a hole and die. Cole was looking around at everything as if he hadn't just shared my innermost thoughts with everyone concerning the female I loved and my desire for her. I flicked my eyes towards Meira, knowing my face was red from my ears to my neck. Her eyes were on me, sparkling with mirth. Oh, Maker.

...

I spent the remainder of our travel time sulking in my embarrassment. I praised the Maker when we approached South Reach. The Inquisition soldiers had arrived shortly before we did, horses and supplies we could use in tow. We decided to stay the night and push hard for Haven in the morning. We payed for rooms at the inn we'd stayed at on our way through and I quickly hid within mine.
I stripped down and threw myself into the copper tub, welcoming the cold water. It cooled the heat of my blood and brought the pain of my joints and muscles to the forefront of my mind. I leaned my head back and closed my eyes. As soon as I did, all I could see was Meira and my blood heated up again. I swore and pulled myself from the tub after quickly scrubbing myself down.
I used the towel to dry myself off before roughly drying my hair. I gritted my teeth, knowing my curls would be fully present and it'd take work to get them tame again. I groaned, not wanting to go through the process, but knowing I'd look like a child with the golden spirals.
I wrapped the towel around my hips as I washed my smalls and tunic; no doubt they smelled of sweat after the previous night. Maker.I did not deserve Meira's care - how she cared for me after seeing me in such a state. After pinning her to the ground again. Is she safe with me?

There was a light knock on the door. I nearly opened it before remembering that I was in only a towel. "A moment, please."

"Of course," Meira's voice answered and my heart skipped in my chest."Unless, you're busy?"

I hesitated. I wanted to see her, but I...Maker, Rutherford, get a hold of yourself. You are a man, not a boy. "Just need to dress." I turned to the room. Dress in what?

"Commander," Meira spoke. "The soldiers provided some extra clothing. Lady Cassandra told them most of our supplies had been destroyed and we were in need of anything they could spare. I thought you might be in need of some spares."

Blushing, I went to the door and opened it a crack. I found Meira standing there, her disguise in place, a smile tugging on her lips. "That...would be appreciated."

She bit her lip and handed me the clothing. My hands covered hers and our eyes met. My heart thundered in my chest and my breath caught as her gaze flicked to my lips. Control, Rutherford. Control. "Thank you," I murmured and pulled the clothes into the room.

"You're welcome," she breathed. She hesitated a moment before meeting my eyes. "Could we...would you like to have dinner together?"

I blinked and could not help the grin that spread on my face. "Yes, I would."

She smiled broadly. "Meet you in an hour?"

"An hour," I nodded.

She turned and made her way back to the room she was sharing with Cassandra. Varric had paid for his own room, but offered to take Cole around the city. Cassandra was filling out reports, adding mine and Meira's to hers before she sent them to Haven. She'd requested an audience with the Arl of South Reach, wanting to inform him of the situation that had occurred at Therinfal and petition that he station more soldiers within his lands.
I had asked if she wanted me to go, but she refused. Instead, she knew I needed to see to the Inquisition soldiers, our supplies and seeing the contingent off that was to escort Vivienne and the nobles. That seen to and Cassandra off, I had retreated back to my room for a bath. I dressed quickly, taking a moment to appreciate the smell and feel of fresh linen.
With a growl, I stared at my comb and the wax. Rewetting my hair, I dried it until it was damp. Pulling the comb through my curls until they were waves instead of spirals, I took some of the wax into my hands working it between my palms.
Ignoring the soreness in my fingers and joints, longing for my salve, I focused on dinner with Meira. I smoothed my hair with the wax, working it into the strands until they were as I preferred them.
Once done, I cleaned my armor of any blood and grime before putting it back on. Groaning a little as the weight settled on my aching back and legs, I tied my sword to my belt. Another knock on my door and I hurried to answer it.

Meira stood with her back to me, she had the hood of her uniform pulled up. "M-Yes?" She turned and smiled brightly. She'd put on makeup - where she'd gotten it I had no idea, but her eyes were lined with kohl, her lips glossed. I stepped back so she could enter.

"Dinner should be here momentarily," she spoke. "I hope it's okay that I ordered?"

"Of course," I nodded.

Her cheeks pinked as I looked at her. Is she...nervous?My heart quickened. "Are you...why do you seem nervous?"

She looked at me in surprise, her eyes sparkling. "Do I?" She put her hands to her cheeks. "I suppose I am a little."

I swallowed thickly. "Why?"

She bit her lip. "You said you hadn't properly wooed me and...well, here's to starting," she met my eyes as she clasped her hands behind her. She smiled softly, glancing at me through her dark lashes. "Cullen, this is me telling you that I want you to court me."

"C-Court you?" It was as if I was a boy again at Mother's knee. She'd been talking about one of the girls in Honnleath who was being courted. I asked her what that meant and she got this soft smile on her face as she looked at Father. She'd explained that it was when a man pursued the woman he loved in order to marry her. It usually was a drawn out process that began with the man asking for her father's permission, then wooing the woman with romance and if all went well, the result was their marriage. She's -she's telling me...she's - she's saying...Is she saying what I think she's saying? "You...you asked to have dinner with me...as a... gesture of acceptance?" I stammered.

She looked to the ground, bringing her hands to the front and twisting her fingers. "I know you probably wanted to take the first step - but...I wondered if, as a templar, you would know how this worked."

I blushed a little. "Well, I...no, not really." Clearing my throat, I asked, "How do you?"

She averted her gaze, fighting a smile. "I've read a few romances in my time and...others have given me advice." Her jade eyes met mine and I couldn't breathe at the warmth they held. "We kind of began...out of order, but...well, our circumstances are not exactly ordinary." Her face fell a little at those words, before she met my eyes. "Besides, we waited nearly twelve years for that kiss. I wasn't going to wait any longer." She blushed a little as she looked away. "I know this is...an indulgence, but...I didn't know when we'd next have the opportunity, so..."

I took her hand in mine. "I am...pleased that you thought of it." I chuckled. "I just wish I had thought of it first."

She chuckled. "You're welcome to take the lead from here." Well, it seems I need to do some reading...and ask for advice. But who would I ask? Courting was...not the route taken by many, more of an old-fashioned idea. I glanced at Meira, who was studying me. But it's what she wants. My heart fell as I deduced why. She'd had everything stripped from her at the hands of a cruel man. She was wanting me - her knight - to woo her with honor and chivalry. She was wanting me to be the lionhearted knight she saw in me. My heart swelled with pride at the duty she was calling me to, that she believed I could answer - and I would answer.

There was a knock on the door and we broke apart. Meira hid behind the nearby screen and my gut twisted with embarrassment as I saw my smalls hanging over it to dry. Maker's...Honestly, Rutherford.

"You ordered dinner, ser?" The attendant asked as they carried in a large tray of food.

I nodded. "Yes."

"Are you going to fight the stew, ser?" The attendant eyed my armor and sword after they'd set the tray down on the small table.

I heard Meira stifle a laugh and I looked down at myself. I crossed my arms over my chest. "A force of habit, I'm afraid."

The attendant let out a chuckle. "I suppose we all must dress our best for dinner - even dinner alone. Do eat all of this, young man, you look like you could use some meat on your bones."

"Thank you for the advice," I grumbled.

The attendant chuckled again. "Just leave the tray outside the door when you're finished."

"Thank you," I nodded.

As soon as the door was closed, Meira burst into laughter as she came around the screen. She'd removed the hooded cloak she'd been wearing, revealing her natural, soft curls of ebony. She looked positively radiant as her laugh lit up her face. I felt my stomach quiver with nerves as her eyes met mine. She wore a simple linen blouse, leather leggings and fine boots. Her jade eyes glanced over me. "That attendant had a point. Must you wear armor?"

I smirked. "Are you asking me to...slip into something more comfortable?"

She flashed a wicked grin. "Perhaps, Commander."

"Very well," I sighed. "Give me a moment."

"I'll set the table," she offered.

I slipped behind the screen and took the opportunity to hide my smalls beneath my discarded layers. I rolled up the sleeves of my leather doublet and tunic as I came around the screen. I found Meira's eyes on me and blushed at the same time she did.

She stood before the table, but stepped aside as I came close. Meira threaded an arm around my waist as she gestured to the food. "I ordered one bowl of turnip and barley and a bowl of lamb and pea - take whichever you'd prefer. There's some bread as well. An ale for you and a glass of wine for me." She smiled excitedly. "They even had a dessert, so I ordered that." She pointed at a small spiced cake.

Hesitantly, I put an arm around her. "It looks wonderful."

She chuckled. "It'll probably taste dreadful, but it'll be fun anyway."

I smiled as I pulled her close to me. "You're...probably right. Mother's cooking was about the only goodFereldan food I've had."

Her eyes found mine as she looked up to me. "That's what I want to do tonight. I want to talk about everything. I want to hear everything about you. Everything I don't know, everything I missed."

I met her gaze, my face softening. "All in one night? That's more talking than I've done throughout my life."

She chuckled before glaring at me half-heartedly. "Cullen Rutherford, this is your first opportunity to woo me. Do you want to make the most of it?"

I turned to her, putting my hands on her hips. "Of course."

"Then you will talk until you're blue in the face," she huffed.

I leaned towards her, her cheeks turning pink. "So long as you do the same, my darling." I took her hand and kissed it before pulling her chair out for her. Once she sat, I pushed it in before coming around the table to sit in my own chair.

We divvied up the food and began eating, laughing as it was indeed dreadful. That's where we began - at food. We talked about how our mother's used to cook; her's far more practical than even what my mother used to prepare. The clan had shared communal meals, everyone contributing something. We laughed over which foods we'd despised as children - she anything green, while I'd hated turnips.
We talked about family; our parents, our grandparents, cousins. Meira told me what little of Mahanon she remembered, told me of her adventures with Ellana when they were little. Studying her face, I was glad to see that, despite everything that had happened at the fortress, she spoke without sadness.
She told me more of clan life - how she'd been taught her basic education, how the Keeper had trained her in her magic. I told her of the wooden sword and shield Father had made for me and the one he'd made for Branson. I turned the coin over in my pocket as I spoke of Bran - his antics, how he looked like me, what I thought he'd be like now. Continued to feel that worn coin as I spoke of Mia and Rosalie, of what I hoped for them. She intwined her fingers into my free hand as I spoke of my siblings. She told me what she thought of her siblings, how she hoped that she could get to know them and grow close to them - that they would allow her to.
I told her of templar training, of King Alistair as a trainee. How we'd been friends for a time, Alistair reminding me of Bran in a lot of ways and making me feel at home. How disappointed I'd been when we'd been separated. As we split the spice cake, she told me of her time in the Circle before I'd arrived, how she and Solana had become friends. With a wicked smile, she brought up the time Solana had made Meira so angry, she'd burned her clothes off. I stammered and blushed as I tried to convince her that I had not seen anything, but she smiled at me knowingly, and I did my best not to recall that image of her. As payback, I brought up the day we'd been outside the tower and I'd caught her watching me as I wrestled with my friends - winning a pink blush as I did.
Meira asked about Kirkwall and I did my best to speak only of the good pieces I could pull from there. Talking of Meredith before she'd succumbed to her madness - how she'd been an excellent mentor, how she'd believed in my ability. I told her of the few humorous assignments I'd been sent on and the few times Hawke had pulled me into her trouble.
She told me what she could remember of her time as a Tranquil - all the knowledge she'd gained and how she'd learned to draw and paint in that time. I told her of the time between Kirkwall and Haven, her hand tightening on mine as sympathy crossed her face. She told me how, even in Tranquility, she'd been drawn to me, as if she'd known. I told her how I'd prayed for a miracle to save her from what I had done.
At that, we both came around the table, passion taking over as lips met and hands roved. Her hands made their way lazily from my chest into my hair, as mine followed her curves up to her ribs where they splayed across her back. I pulled her tighter against me, feeling as I came alive with her in my arms. I rubbed the silky end of her curls between my fingers before I slowly followed the curve of her back with my fingertips.
Her hands came to curve around my neck and hold my face, her thumb caressing the scar on my lip. I sensed the change in her before she parted my lips to claim me. She hummed her approval and I felt it in my bones. Heart pounding, blood rushing, mind quiet of all, but her.
Chest heaving, I broke away to find her eyes darkened and heavy with want as they gazed at me. I caressed her cheek as I curled her hair around her ear, following her jawline as I tipped her chin. A contented smile on her full lips as she met my eyes and placed a hand on my cheek. I pulled her in for a gentle kiss, before pulling away once more. Her hands were on my chest as she looked up at me.

I need to tell her. I need to tell her about my not taking lyrium. "Meira, my dar-"

"-Can I sleep with you?" she murmured.

My words died in my throat. "Sl-sl...can you sl-" My mouth refused to function as my face burned and mind went blank. "Meira, I-I d...I'm...I -" I cleared my throat, forcing my mind to think. "Meira, not until you're ready."

She took my face in her hands, a small smile on her face. "Not like that, my knight. I just...I want to be with you. Could we...could you hold me while we sleep?"

"You...you want - you want me..." I cleared my throat. "You want me to hold you as we sleep? You want to sleep at my side even knowing...what may come?"

"Yes," she nodded. "I don't care. I will care for you. I just want to be with you every second that I can before we return to Haven. I-I want..." she looked away her cheeks blooming with color, "I want to feel your arms around me as I fall asleep."

The room spun at her words. "Why?"

Her jade eyes met mine, soft, but they did not look away. "Because, Cullen…I love you."

My mind could not process the words she said. I blinked at her. Because I love you. I love you. Was this truly happening? Had she truly said those words? "You...you love me?" I asked, quietly, afraid it wasn't true.

She looked away, a blush in full bloom before she looked at me from beneath her lashes. "I love you, Cullen."

My heart stopped and then began beating so fast I thought it would fly from my chest. I took her face in my hands, her eyes hesitant to meet mine as uncertainty flitted across her features. Caressing her soft skin until she finally met my eyes, my gut flipping at the hope they held, I smiled at her. I spoke the words, so softly, almost fearing that if I spoke them this spell would break. "And I love you, Meira."

Then I kissed her, so gently, so tenderly that I felt her melt against me. Yet, I stayed strong; felt stronger as I held her, felt safe as I told her the depths of my heart, felt whole as the love of my life - the female I had waited for - told me she loved me. Despite how I have hurt her, despite how far I have fallen, despite everything, she loves me. She loves me. She loves me. I could hardly breathe for the feeling overwhelming me. She saw me - saw me as no other, but the Maker saw me - and still she was giving me her heart. She saw me as I was and wanted my heart yet still.

I broke away gently and as I did, she took my hand and led us to the bed. My ribs were aching with the pounding in my chest. After kicking off her boots, she climbed in first, though she did not get under the covers. I watched as she turned onto her side, her back to me and a blush on her cheeks. "Meira, are you - are you sure?" I asked.

Her eyes found mine. "I just want you to hold me."

I swallowed thickly as I felt tears prick my eyes at those words. "Alright." Removing my own boots and unbuttoning my doublet before shrugging out of it, I made my way next to her. Hesitantly, I curled my arm around her waist. She backed into my chest, molding herself to me and I closed my eyes as I felt her warmth, felt her curves as they met my body. I held her tighter, her arm over mine as she laced her fingers through my own.

After a moment, she turned and my breath caught as she flattened me to my back. Avoiding my eyes, she laid her head on my shoulder, wrapped her arm around my waist and twined a leg through mine. As she snuggled into my chest, she murmured. "Goodnight, my love."

I curved an arm around her and gently caressed the arm draped across me from her wrist to her shoulder as I kissed her head. "Goodnight, my darling."

Within moments, she was asleep, heavy with it in my arms. I listened to her steady breaths, felt her heart beat against me and held her as tight as I dared while tears slipped silently down my cheeks. Blessed are they who stand before the corrupt and the wicked and do not falter. I would not falter; I would not fail her.
Maker, you answered my prayer and brought her to me. I cannot look at her, cannot hold her - whole and beautiful, this female who loves me - and not know, beyond a doubt that it was you. That you made her, made me - made us. Maker, I cannot fail her. Cannot fail them. Cannot fail the Inquisition. I stared up at the ceiling, beseeching the Maker.
Maker, though the darkness comes upon me, I shall embrace the Light. I shall weather the storm. I shall endure. What you have created, no one can tear asunder.I cried out to him. I knew he may not listen, but Andraste could hear me; she understood love and loss. Whatever comes, let us find each other every time. Whatever comes, bring her back to me. Whatever comes, help me to be strong - for her.

...

I felt her stir, but continued to stroke her face. I had not slept, too afraid that if I did, I would wake to it all being a dream. Instead, I had lain awake holding her. She'd moved in the night, but never far from me. Now she faced me and I her as I laid on my side, memorizing her face in the light of dawn. I'd played with her hair, learned the angles of her face with my fingertips and whispered I loved her over and over again.

Slowly, she blinked awake, her eyes finding mine. She was surprised for a moment before color bloomed in her cheeks. "I suppose I got a little bold last night by asking this of you," she murmured.

I took her chin in my fingers. "You did nothing wrong, my darling."

She looked away from me. "Still, I...should not have asked. It's not fair to you."

I pulled her into my arms. "If this is the only time you want to fall asleep in my arms for however long, then so be it." I chuckled. "I do ask you let me enjoy these final moments, though."

She let out a breathy laugh. "Alright."

I cupped her face and lifted face. "Good morning, my darling."

She smiled widely, still sleepy. "Good morning, my love."

"How did you sleep?" I asked.

She blushed. "Purpose decided I deserved a peaceful night since I'd plucked up the courage to tell you I love you. No roaming, just simple dreams."

I smiled. "I get the feeling I would like this Purpose fellow."

She blushed deeper. "You probably would, considering the fact that he wears your face."

I looked at her confused, but with a bemused smile. "He does?"

She laid back down on my chest. "He's not sure why, but yes, he does. It's your face, but not. There are no scars and his eyes are pure gold instead of your amber."

"You think my eyes are amber?" I questioned, fighting a smirk. "They're brown, like everything in Ferelden."

I felt her laugh against me. "They are not 'brown', Cullen. They are brown with flecks of gold. In lamplight or candlelight they turn amber, like honey with sunlight shining through. In dim light, they're almost bronze. They are one of my favorite things about you."

I blushed at her description. "I...thank you." I stroked her back gently. "I-I cannot decide wether I love your eyes, your ears or your lips most."

She tightened her grip on me. "So long as you love me, your favorite can change on the hour."

It was my turn to laugh. "As you say, my darling."

She sighed heavily. "I suppose I should slip out before it gets much lighter."

A thought occurred to me and I blanched. "Did you...did you tell Cassandra? She's not going to cut me down in honor of your virtue is she?"

Meira laughed heartily as she sat up. "It was Cass's idea. She's the one that gave me the makeup to use and she told you to stay here so we could have dinner. It was her idea for me to ask...if I could just...be held by you." She blushed a little as she looked me over. "Did you sleep at all?"

"No," I murmured, her face falling as worry flickered across her brow. I sat up on my elbow and put a hand to her cheek. She leaned into my touch. "I didn't mean to worry you."

She met my gaze. "You can let me worry about you a little."

I breathed a chuckle. "Alright."

"I was hoping that maybe having me here would...help with your nightmares," she admitted. "It was...foolish to think that, but...I wanted to try."

"Then I am sorry that I didn't fall asleep to see if it would help," I offered. "I was too...happy."

Her jade eyes flicked to me in surprise before she smiled so freely, my heart twisted. "I am happy too, Cullen. Youmake me happy."

Again, I could have cried at those words. How do I make you happy? I rose to meet her lips, my hand sliding to cup the nape of her neck, my fingers twisting in her hair. We fell back against the bed, her hands on my chest, holding my shirt in her fists. I held her head, my other hand on her side. I broke away to brush her nose with mine. "I love you."

I felt her smile. "And I love you." At that, she pulled away to pull on her boots and don her hood.

I laid back on the bed, tucking an arm behind my head as I let out a contented sigh, watching her as she moved about the room. At the door, she turned to look at me, a beautiful smile on her lovely lips before she slipped out the door.

...

Our time ended, we gathered our things quickly to press hard for Haven. I looked back at South Reach as we left, guilt twisting in my gut at the thought of having been so close to my siblings and not seeking them out. I felt Meira's fingers brush mine and I found her eyes.

"We will come back, Cullen," she murmured, Varric and Cassandra ahead of us. "If you must, blame the Herald."

I smiled gratefully at her. "I won't do that, but thank you for offering. I...wrote Mia a letter some time ago and have not heard back. I...didn't want to show up on her doorstep. She would have welcomed me, but I think...I think we all need some time before that first reunion."

She studied my face and nodded. "I understand, but my love," I met her gaze, "It doesn't do to be without family."

I smirked as she turned my own words against me. "I know, my darling. Soon," I promised as I looked back at the city fading. "Soon." I had more than one reason to visit them now. The first, to makeup for all my years of absence; to see if they would accept the man their brother had become. The second, to ask Mia if she had Mother's ring. I knew Bran might have used it - and he'd have more right, but still...I wanted to know. My eyes looked to Meira as she rode her horse with confidence. There was someone in my life I wanted to give it to - and giving her Mother's ring would be as close to Meira being able to meet her as I could do.

Together, we rode back to the Inquisition, back to our duties, back to everything; knowing we'd have to be separated once more and this time we didn't know how long it would be until we could be together again.

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