"I cant." I silently chant to myself.
This isn't my first choice, even though I guess it technically is. What I mean to say is; after much deliberation I have decided that this is really the only way for the people I care about to get out of this unscathed.
If Fulcrum knows about me, the real me, then they can definitely find out about Ellie, Devon, Morgan. If I refuse to talk, Fulcrum will go after them, they'll use them against me, then not only will I die, I'll witness their deaths as well. I will have cost them their lives.
I quietly, as quietly as possible, release the magazine from my Sig. Casey left me a full mag, that's 12 rounds, which means I've got 11 to fire with, if I were so inclined. I want to take some of them out with me, I do... and I don't, it's just that if they somehow get to me, without killing me, before I finish the job, then everyone I care about is as good as dead. I'm just not willing to take that chance.
With that thought I re-insert my magazine, which causes some noise, but I've got plenty of time for what I'm about to do. I raise the gun to my temple. I'm breathing out loud now, heavily, I'm not trying to hold back. My fingers are cold for some reason, even though the rest of my body feels hot, my sweat feels cold, I'm pretty sure this is what a panic attack is, thankfully I won't experience one of these again.
I close my eyes, because at least that way I can see Sarah, Ellie and all the other people I love. They don't seem happy, but I didn't expect them to, given the circumstances.
I squeeze the trigger lightly, not enough to trigger the bullet. Not yet. I can feel the still cold sweat trickling down my face, running down my back. I squeeze a little harder.
POP!
"Pop?" fucking pop! That's the last thing I hear before I die. I'll admit, I'm definitely disappointed. I was honestly expecting a little more, some kind of... Explosion, something cataclysmic, something that screams "Goodbye world! Chuck has left the server!", something that people, everyone, would feel, they'd all start crying because now Chuck is gone, forever, but instead all I get is a puny little pop.
I didn't feel any pain, which I guess is good, and the fact that I'm still conscious seems to imply that there is an afterlife, which, honestly, I did not expect. I feel like my lack of religion might not be a good trait now.
I can still feel my gun pressed to my temple, and I see deep reds and whites bleeding through my still closed eyelids, so I open them. I am immediately assaulted by lights, bright lights, and after a moment my eyes adjust to the brightness, and, the afterlife looks remarkably like the warehouse I was just in, with the lights on, of course.
My back is still pressed against my sanctuary. I'm looking at a large number of people, some in tactical gear, the same gear I've seen Sarah and Casey suit up in many times before missions. Some people are scrambling around doing miscellaneous things.
The thing that makes my stomach churn is seeing Sarah and Casey standing in from of me, Casey with his arms crossed, and Sarah with hers at her sides, both of them looking at me.
I guess that explains why they never answered my Comms, at least now I know, I guess. At least I'm in the afterlife with some people I know, there's some comfort to be found in that, even if it is pretty morbid.
Now that I really look at Sarah, she has a faint smirk on her face, and Casey even has a smile, a real smile, from Casey. I mumble something incoherent and Sarah jumps into action, barking at a medical team to come take a look at me. They come over, drape a blanket across my shoulders, and continue about their other tasks. I stare at Sarah and the Medics as they hurriedly move.
I see Beckman walking towards me, which is odd, because I'm not quite sure how she would have died, I'm pretty sure she was sitting in her plush desk chair in Maryland when I last talked to her a few hours ago.
"Well done, Bartowski." Beckman says.
I don't respond. I got myself killed, how the hell can that be considered a job well done?
"He's in shock right now, ma'am." Casey reports to the General.
"I... I... I don't understand." I finally manage to croak out, slowly coming back to my senses.
"This was a test Chuck." Sarah states softly.
She is staring at me intently. I feel like I'm being observed, like a judgement is coming, from all of them.
A test. A test to see if I could do what needed to be done. If I could be trusted in the field as the most important intelligence agent in the world.
"Why did you do it Chuck?" Beckman asks.
That question catches me off guard. I wasn't expecting it.
"It was my duty, ma'am." I state lamely.
"Is that all?" She asks, coldly, for some reason I don't quite understand.
"Well, given the circumstances, I knew Fulcrum knew who I was. I knew they were going to want information, and I knew they could find the people I cared about, find the people I love and they would use them against me, so I took that opportunity away from them. I did it because it was the only option I saw to save... everyone."
"Everyone but yourself." She states, the coldness gone.
"I guess so." I say.
"So you sacrificed yourself, for others?" She asks, staring at me intently.
They all stare at me, the bustle that existed in the background as we talked seems to have come to a halt, it's unsettling really, the amount of eyes that are on me.
"I... yes ma'am." I say.
Like a switch has been flicked the movement around me resumes, and Sarah smiles at me broadly, so does Beckman and Casey.
"Agent Walker, take care of him. Agent Casey follow me for debrief." Beckman says as she begins to walk away.
She stops midstride and glances back at me.
"It's good to have you back Charles, you're one of my best." Beckman says with a slight smile and a nod and begins walking away again.
I look at Sarah and she still has that massive, heart stopping, no pun intended, smile that I love. Before I can say anything Sarah attacks my lips with her own, kissing me fiercely. It rivals the kiss that we shared in front of that bomb, it feels so nice to feel her again.
"Wha... What was that for?" I ask, trying to catch my breath after that amazing kiss.
"We can be together now Chuck, you're officially a spy now! We don't have to worry about anything anymore! I've wanted this for so long!" She says excitedly.
I smile at that. After so much work, so much blood sweat and tears, I finally have a place where I can help others, and Sarah is finally, finally, willing to pursue a real relationship with me.
"Let's get you out of here." She says affectionately.
I stand with her help, even though I'm sure I can stand and walk by myself. I'm not going to turn down any opportunity I have to feel Sarah, to be held by her, not now, not after waiting, and wanting, for so long.
As we walk towards the exit of the warehouse, towards the bright light of day that's bleeding through the door, I feel good. I feel incredible actually, like a weight I've been carrying on my shoulders for so long is now gone. I feel like I'm home.
A/N: Hey! It's done! I hope you like it, this was kind of tricky for me to figure out how to tackle well, and subtly. I hope you enjoyed! Thanks for reading, and if you'd like to leave a review I'd appreciate it! Thanks to all the people who reviewed/followed/faved! It's actually really, really cool to have people read something I wrote and then review it! Thanks everyone!