Vertigo and Vices

by CosmicMoonMystic

A 22 year old Ichigo is lost and seeking comfort in physical ways, but is shown he can find comfort emotionally, too, after living with having been Aizen and Ichimaru's prisoner for a year during the war. Varies slightly from original manga storyline for creative purposes, post winter war. MxM, angst, possible triggers/sensitive subjects. Initial Grimmjow x Ichigo, then Ichigo x Iz

6. Chapter VI - Cat and the Fiddle

WARNINGS: This chapter has discussions and mentions of rape, imprisonment, assault and rape of a minor, drug/substance abuse, underage drinking and a suicide attempt. It also has talk of character death in detail.

Chapter VI

Cat and the Fiddle

"They found him in Karakura, while out patrolling. He was incredibly lucky the one knew how to heal at entry level. He would not have survived being brought back if the other had not healed him that much." Unohana regarded the unconscious youth, his broken weapon laid on a table to his right. There were a few machines next to him, and a few tubes, one for breathing and two going into the folds of his robe and disappearing. Kyoraku was quiet, eyes fixed to the battered youth. He was simmering in silence. Ukitake placed a caring hand over his lover's back, caressing him through his kimono.

"He must have been caught off guard by someone, or... something." Ukitake offered through a soft voice. Kyoraku was staring at the boys wrapped face, only his mouth and closed right eye visible. Whatever had happened had created too much pressure and fractured the young boy's skull. He was a promising new officer straight from the Academy, years too early, and this made that obvious. He lowered his hat.

"Send me anything you find, Unohana-Taichou, if you will, please?"

"Of course, we will try our best to get him back to his usual self. Perhaps an invitation to Orihime-san would be best. And as far as any findings, do I have permission to share them with Urahara-kun? He has been investigating a possible Arrancar outbreak with Harribel-san, and I feel these may be related."

"Yes, please, you need not ask, I trust both you and him. And I believe Orihime-chan is already planned to visit tomorrow, if it is possible to wait until then." Jushirou smiled to her, weakly. Kyoraku took a step forward, his large hand delicately caressing the youth's soft cheek with the tips of his fingers. This was too cruel, and it enraged him so. Ukitake hugged his husband, he could feel the pain in his reiatsu. He was blaming himself for pushing the boy up the Academic levels and right out into the world of the living. If he had let it run its course the youth would be slowly learning Kido and other incantations during a field study in the mountains of the Rukongai. Kyoraku and Ukitake had seen the lad's potential and had him graduate early, ranked into the top twenty right out from the Academy. He was a spring chicken, but no weakling. He easily parried with Ikkaku and Renji from time to time. The boy stirred at the touch, wearily he opened his eye. An uncomfortable moan escaped his lips. He should not have been waking up so soon, sedatives having been administered to him. Shunsui glanced to Unohana and she turned to adjust the medicine intake. Kyoraku placed as warm a smile he could when his subordinate focused on him. He tried lifting his arm, hand twitching.

"It's okay, Saishou-san, you are safe now, just let yourself rest and-"

"Don… don't let. He eats Za. Zanpakutos… don't…"

"Ne, your staff can be fixed by Kurotsuchi-Taichou later, don't fret about that now. Just get some rest, okay?" His breathing was ragged and desperate as he tried to shake his head, tapping on Kyoraku's hand with the back of his weak one.

"Not. There. DEAD. Silent…" He took in a deep breath haggardly and a tear slipped from his eye. "The tall man ate Konran's soul… He. He…" The medicine finally took hold of his conscious and he fell back to sleep, hand gone limp in Shunsui's. The older man laid his small hand down next to his sleeping form. Ukitake squeezed his arm, an attempt to comfort the infuriated man. This was incredibly troubling for the three older Shinigami. Kyoraku stared intensely at the broken staff. Saishou was right, there was nothing emanating from the staff, not even a ghost of a whisper. Damn. Damn this whole affair.

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The day had been productive since after lunch with Hirako and him talking over some things the other really needed to sort out and Ichigo at least getting the laundry into the dryer before he had fallen asleep so cutely in the utility room, and now with the visitors he had been expecting in the evening he could get some business done with the whole issue of those new Arrancar. Abarai, Hisagi, Matsumoto and her Taichou had all volunteered to help survey the Desangelado as well as look for stray ones in the world of the living since the attack on one of Squad 8's member on patrol for souls in need of konso and hollows. Hitsugaya and Matsumoto were speaking to Urahara about where to go in Hueco Mundo when the older man heard something soft in the distance. The white-haired captain started to ask something but was swiftly cutoff with a couple of the scientist's fingers pressed to his lips. With a startled grunt the other man stared at Urahara with surprised eyes that held a hint of annoyance before Kisuke tapped an index to his own lips. He looked off at nothing in particular, an intent look over his features. There was a hushed moment over the group, most looking to the older man puzzled. Hisagi stepped forward ready to say something, but then a faint yell of the shopkeeper's given name could be heard from inside the Shoten.

"Dammit!" In an instant he was heading inside to get to the boy in a timely manner. His sisters were inside as well, and he hoped something serious had not happened. He should have been keeping a better eye on them. Isshin left them under his care so he could get some shopping done as well as just to have a breather for a while. He was terrified with the wailing he heard from the boy. He ran to the family room quickly and found Karin harshly hushing her older brother with no skill at all as she held his arms a little too tight. Her voice as desperate as his face was when she spoke. Kisuke knew that was most likely escalating the situation. Ichi was wide eyed and unseeing, his chest heaving as he babbled apologies to him and his sister. A panic attack. His dark-haired sister turned her attention to the man coming in and kneeled next to Ichigo gently. Urahara had not missed the bleeding cuts on her face.

"Kisuke! I was calling, and. I, her. I! Oh, gods, I hurt her, I hurt her, Ki!" The fingertips he held shakenly up to his mentor had traces of blood on them. They were small cuts judging the amount of blood that was there. A small scar on her face at worst later. He gently rubbed on his back and shushed him in a soothing rhythm. She exhaled in frustration and Kisuke looked to the girl quizzically.

"No! Dammit, Urahara, I keep telling him," Hitsugaya and Abarai rounded the corner and she eyed them before looking back to the blonde. "I heard him fussing in his sleep and when I tried getting to him, I slipped, I fell, I hit my face." She gave him a serious look, that was obviously a lie to comfort her brother, but Ki would just roll with it for now. "Ichigo did not do this. It wasn't him at all." She ground out with a trace of anger. Kisuke nodded and was rubbing the youth's shoulder as Ichigo tightly held his free hand. Ichigo shook his head harshly, the calming and gentle hand that tried to sooth his shoulder felt heavy.

"No, no, I felt it, I did that. I hurt her. My talons were out, and I. I!" He let a painful whine escape his mouth as he dropped his head down, his one hand braced him up on the floor and the other held in Urahara's grasp still, his fingers wrapped around that strong hand and squeezed hard. The older man's thumb softly stroked over his tight grip and his other hand pressed circles over his shirt in as much a soothing gesture as possible. "I'm so sorry, I thought it was him, I thought. I'm so sorry. I didn't want to be held down again..!" Kisuke hushed him and smoothed his hair as the panic and hoarse breath became hiccupped sobs. The older redhead stepped into the space and came over to kneel next to him and wrap a reassuring arm around his shoulder as he whispered soft reassurances to his friend. Abarai had not seen this in a long time. It broke his heart to see Kurosaki blindly babble and he even brought up that man. They all knew who it was who Ichigo was referencing. He would say Gin's name in these moments, but never Aizen's. Renji also knew how much he only wanted to protect his sisters and to have hurt her on accident was a devastating blow. To both the Kurosaki siblings.

"Ichi, you heard Karin, it was an accident. You didn't do it. It's okay." Kurosaki inhaled sharply while shaking his head violently. He had closed his eyes as Renji came over and Urahara saw as he tried to shut the room out. He was feeling overwhelmed. Urahara removed his hand from that firm grip and held his flustered face between his palms in an attempt to soothe him gently and bring his attention to a focus. "It will be fine; the cut isn't serious. It'll be okay. It was not your fault, Ichigo…" Another shake of his orange hair and he glanced over to his siter with a fearful look. Kisuke flicked his eyes to the 5th Squad Taichou next him and Renji gestured with his head to Matsumoto to come get the sister. She nodded back and put on as sweet as face for the younger one as she walked halfway over and beckoned her with an outstretched hand. Karin gave her a harsh look before a sad one to her brother. The blood was to her chin and had dripped a few drops on to her shirt when she moved her head. With a frustrated click of her tongue, she got up while she gave Kisuke a vicious look and let the Fukutaichou escort her out of the room and down the hall with Hisagi. Kisuke knew she was upset with both herself, and the way her brother sought for him the moment anything went wrong. It was something she had brought up when he was helping Isshin at the clinic before. And in a small way he did not blame her for hating him so. He truthfully deserved it. But this was the habit that had been developed early on, ever since Ichigo had been living there after his rescue. Kisuke would be the one to comfort him, and soon it was only him that Ichigo sought. Toshiro gave Karin an apologetic look as they passed him, and then a melancholic look to the three on the floor. Though he suffered from the loss of Momo, he knew the redhead had suffered the most directly at the hands of the traitors. "Ichi, hey. Hey, I need you to focus, okay? Deep breaths." Ichigo swallowed hard and took a huge gulp of air. "There you go, good boy. What do you see, Ichi?" An empty gulp and then a soft reply of 'your clothes' and Kisuke nodded. "That's right, what color are they? You just need to focus and breath." A soft sniffle and nod of his orange locks before he whispered, 'green and black'. Renji rubbed over his back and Kisuke had his hands on the junction between neck and shoulder on each side, thumbs rubbing softly. His breathing was still a bit erratic, but far more even than it was. "Yea, there you go…"

"Hey, want some water, Ichigo?" A pause to the whispered question and then a nod as he dared a glance to his friend. He tried his hand at a smile, though it was still strained. Abarai looked up to Toshiro silently asking for him to get the beverage, and the other Taichou nodded after glancing to the youth. Once Hitsugaya left to get it Ichigo returned his attention to the one tenderly caressing his shoulders. Kisuke leaned in and kissed Ichigo's forehead, which Renji was torn between feeling touched by it and a bit put off. The two had been seeming far more intimate recently then he remembered them being in the past. Either way it seemed to help calm his friend as the younger man leaned into it as he relaxed more and sighed. Hitsugaya came back in with a glass filled with cool water promptly. Urahara took it for the youth and told him to sit up properly if he wanted it. Abarai gave questioning look at the tone, but neither the blonde nor ice lord seemed to find it off. Ichigo inhaled deeply a few times before he gathered himself and sat up looking Kisuke in the eyes. He took the glass with both his unsteady hands and greedily drank it down.

"Shh, there you go." He handed the empty glass back while avoiding the other two's eyes, only glancing back to Kisuke's with a nod. "They'll get her all bandaged up, okay? It was a little thing, and nothing to worry over, Ichigo. It wasn't even from you." They could say what they wanted to. Ichigo knew it was his Hollow talons that cut through her skin. He had the feeling still there on his fingers, along with her blood. Another glance up accompanied by a curt nod. His jaw was tight, but his eyes were fully aware again. He was both embarrassed and ashamed. It would be another reason for the others to treat delicately all over again. Urahara realized he never informed him there were going to be guests over today. He should have and the tang of guilt nudged at his throat. "I'm so sorry I failed to communicate there would be guests over earlier in the day. That was rude of me. Though I had not expected to watch your sisters as well. That was rather sudden."

"It's okay, things happen." He paused to breathe in deeply as he gestured loosely in the air at nothing in particular. "She just… She was so loud and abrasive and…" He bit at his lip looking away. "She wouldn't let up on my shoulders when I tried to move to get up and it just. It spiraled. Fast." He swallowed and let a shaky breath out. Urahara nodded slowly. He had felt trapped, and his Hollow instincts kicked in to get him freed.

"I should have taken you upstairs. You fell asleep again, and in the laundry room, so I brought you up here thinking you would wake up shortly after and join everyone." Urahara flicked his forehead, which earned him a playful yet annoyed look. Ichigo clicked his tongue while he rubbed at his forehead. It was returning to the familiar normalcy. "You were dead to the world, you realize? Next time try not to stay up all night with Kira, eh, Kurosaki-kun? You obviously need the sleep." Ichigo blushed visibly and looked down but could not fight off the small smile that pulled at the corner of his mouth. Renji almost stepped in when the older man flicked his friend, but glad he had not. He looked ten times better now, and this must be the norm for these situations anymore. Kisuke got up with ease and waited for Ichigo to reply by looking to him as he tilted his head. Orange hair caught the light as he looked up with as much of a cocky smile as he could muster.

"You're one to talk, Urahara-san. All that noise in the middle of the night wakes me up more than the damn nightmares." Kisuke chuckled along with Renji. Toshiro was not one for such conversations, and mildly ignored the three men as he crossed his arms and leaned on the doorframe. Though he had aged a bit over the years, he still preferred to avoid the subject of sex and partners. Kisuke theorized he was in fact asexual, but just did not realize it. Or did not want to acknowledge it.

"Blame Hirako for that, not me." The tenth Taichou decided he would go and check on his friend at that point. Abarai waved a little as he left silently.

"I will blame you; he wouldn't be so noisy if it wasn't for you." They shared another small laugh before Ichigo looked back down at his hands. He sighed and flexed his fingers. "I need to wash my hands…"

"Yup, up you go then." Kisuke offered his hands and hoisted the youth upright. Renji got up as well, adjusting his uniform. The new, sleeveless captain's haori looked nice over his usual uniform.

"Lets go upstairs and wash your hands there. I'm sure Karin is being bandaged up in the kitchen or downstairs restroom." Kisuke placed his hand to Ichigo's back and used the other to indicate the stairs. Kurosaki remembered the conversation with Hirako earlier. How he was unsure about being a Taichou anymore, and how Renji was appointed to the fifth instead of just being assigned to the third like everyone thought he would be.

"Yea, okay, old man." Ichigo sighed and let himself be guided up the staircase. His friend behind the shopkeeper followed them without being asked to. The three got upstairs and headed to the bathroom down the way. Kisuke murmured something about making some hot tea after this and bringing it up to him. The kind gesture felt nice, as well as the firm and guiding hand on his lower back. Ichigo and Kisuke went into the tiled room and started washing his hands at sink. The maroon haired man watched Kisuke do most of the washing for Ichigo, carefully lathering the soap and scrubbing each finger diligently. It was caring and tender yet somehow felt deeper than what it looked. Renji shifted and looked away. It felt like something he should not be watching. Something private. He pulled out his cell and started to mess with it.

"I'll, uh, text Shu and see how she's doing. I think at this point it's all emotions though."

"Agreed. A little bump in the road, nothing to stop moving onward." A hummed agreement for the younger man as he watched his mentor rinse his now clean hands off. It felt nice to have those strong and dexterous fingers run over his too soft of hands. Maybe he could start sparing and training again if he were careful. He bet between the couple, his boyfriend, Ikkaku and Renji they could get him back into shape in no time. If his head would cooperate with him.

"She's fine. Rangiku said it was two tiny cuts, both which were covered with a single regular band aid. Face wounds just bleed more." He slipped his phone back into his haori and crossed his arms in thought.

"Thank you, Abarai-san." Kisuke glanced over his shoulder to the redhead while he grabbed a hand towel for his house mate. He softly whispered something that got Ichigo to chuckle while he dried his hands for him. Renji watched the older man softly glide the towel over Ichigo's hands tenderly.

"Yea… No problem." He waved the suspicious shopkeeper off and just watched. There was something going on between those two, for sure. Urahara was always kind to Ichigo after everything, but this felt more personal. So much more… intimate. Renji wondered what happened between them. The maroon-haired man knew they both liked men, but they were both in relationships now. Maybe he was overthinking it. The blonde put the towel over the sink without care before he cupped Kurosaki's face to get him to look him in the eyes.

"Does that help, knowing it was so trivial?" He looked into his honey brown eyes before the boy looked to the side.

"It was more the fact I didn't realize it was her until after I had swung that bothers me so much…" Urahara sighed and slowly hugged him tightly. He then pulled away from him as Abarai stepped back to give him the room to do so.

"I figured." Both men came out of the washroom to join the shaggy redhead.

"I thought I had been doing better…" He sighed and rubbed at his sore lower stomach. Some of the hickeys were still visible from his and Kira's outing. Kisuke eyed his hand rubbing over his lower abdomen for a moment before he looked back up with a smile.

"You are, Ichigo. We'll get through this and keep on getting better. It's not a setback, just a moment on your journey." He grasped his arm in a reassuring manner before he patted his shoulder. Ichigo nodded to him, but still looked rather anxious. He played with the ring on his thumb, fidgeting. He was feeling anxious with the others all there, and he knew they would be treating him softl for awhile again. Just when they had started inviting him out again.

"Thanks, Kisuke." A loud ringing sound made them both jump as they looked over to Renji. The redhead apologized as he pulled out the device and answered. While he did so Ichi laughed a nervous laugh at having been scared witless. Urahara smiled and hugged him again, the earlier guilt still played in his head. Ichigo hugged him back and squeezed the older man which he received back. While the redhead spoke about Ichigo being better he eyed them before he looked away. "Thank you for always being so great to me, I'm sorry for being such a bother to you."

"It's all for selfish reasons, so don't thank me." He smoothed a hand over his hair. "And you are never a bother, Ichigo. Not to myself or Hirako. Never." He whispered into his ear, and when he pulled back still in the other's arms, Ichigo licked his lip and he looked him over. This was a little odd, being so close. The two parted quickly because of the odd atmosphere. Renji hung up and cleared his throat after he turned to see them eyeing each other.

"Just, um, Shu checking in. I'm heading down, we should get to the mission soon anyway."

"Agreed, sadly it cannot wait." The redhead started for the stairs and Kisuke began to follow but was stopped by a tan hand on his own. He paused his gait and looked back. Ichigo had his lip in between his teeth and was not making eye contact. Urahara turned to him, and the youth looked up briefly before he looked down again. Kisuke prodded at his lip as he muttered something to get him to stop and his tongue pressed the lip back out. There was an exchanged murmuring too soft for the redhead to hear between the two as the 5th Taichou waited at the top of the stairs. After a moment he turned back to Renji, their hands held together not lost on the older redhead. "Go ahead and have everyone else go get started with their parts. If they have any questions, there are our phones as well as Hell Butterflies. And, please, can you stay with the girls until Isshin gets back? He should be back soon, and then you can go catch up with Hisagi-san."

"Yea… sure thing, Urahara-kun." The blonde mumbled a 'thanks' while he walked with Ichigo past the youth's room. Renji watched the two interact further, and the more he watched, the more uncomfortable he grew. The small, too kind of touches coupled with the way the older man spoke felt strange. As the two went towards Kisuke's room, he heard him ask if he should call Kira, which Ichigo nodded. At least he knew they were involving Ichigo's boyfriend, maybe Abarai was overthinking the situation. The two paused after a moment of conversation amongst themselves and Ichigo pulled out his phone to text Izuru. Abarai felt a tinge of guilt when Kisuke looked over and gave him a questioning look, as if they were being completely normal. He shook his head and waved Kisuke off before he continued back down the stairs. He would ignore it. It was obviously something he missed at some point. As he was descending the stairs, he heard Ichi's cell go off and the youth answer it with a barely audible 'hey, babe' and Renji kicked himself for doubting the shopkeeper and his close friend.

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It had been over a week since Ichigo had hurt Karin when she tried waking him up from a night terror. He still felt incredibly sorry for hurting her, even if she insisted it was not him who had did it and even if it were so tiny it were healed now without the use of Kido. Urahara had been kind enough to stay with him that night in the shopkeeper's room, holding him and soothing him to rest per Ichigo's request with his lover there emotionally. They kept Izuru on the phone until Ichigo had fallen asleep at which point Kisuke had had some sort of conversation with him before they hung up, according to Izu. They had not told him what about, and neither offered when he had inquired, so he did not press it further. He wanted to tell Kira to come over, but knew he had work, important work given to him directly from Ukitake, and Ichi told himself from day one that if he ever had an episode and Izuru was busy he would not ask for him to leave his job to come to him. Kira kept insisting he could come over, but Kurosaki insisted it was unnecessary and Urahara reassured Izuru that he was well cared for. Urahara being there more than made up for Kira not being available physically. The whole affair had taken it's toll on both siblings, and Ichigo took it upon himself to cancel the dinner on Saturday night. Isshin and Izuru had both expressed it would be okay and they could still do it, but Urahara and Hirako both intercepted in that saying right then may have not been the best time anyway. What with the Arrancar and everything else that were happening. He was grateful for the couple taking his side on the matter, and he enjoyed their company while Kira was not around.

A shiver ran through his body at remembering those strong arms holding him close that night, and his tenor sweet voice whispering reassurances. There had been a strange atmosphere between them after Kisuke helped him wash the blood off his hands. But maybe it was just because he was such a kind and caring man. Cleopatra was lucky to have him as a lover, and so was Ichigo to have Izuru, who worked and talked softly to him as well, agreeing with the older man throughout the night. He was glad that the two of them made up and were getting along. Ichigo rubbed over his face while he sat at his desk. He finished some schoolwork and was just surfing the net randomly looking up stuff. Currently he had looked up a band that he liked and saw they were going to be on tour soon, a concert there in Karakura town. Maybe Izu would like to go with him and a couple of his friends. Usually, it would be him and Grimmjow who would go out with the other gay couple to metal shows and clubs. He wondered how it would be with Kira there instead of the feisty and hot-tempered panther. Urahara had mentioned Grimm should be coming back soon, and that was already over a week ago. Ichigo thought on the man for a moment. Maybe he should give the cat a heads up to the conversation he wanted to have. Ichigo took his cellphone out and brought up the text app to scroll to Grimmjow's number and tapped. He tapped out a message hoping the disappearing asshole had his phone on him, because he usually did not. Or at least he just did not reply. There were always reasons he did not reply, from the reception to the battery dying to the plain one of he was busy.

'hey seriously you need to reply if you see this!'

'let me know when you're in town again i need to talk & don't want to discuss over text messages.'

The little bubble said read faster than Ichigo would have guessed. Then the three dots. Holy shit, he was replying for once. Where had this enthusiasm been before?

'yo wassup'

Ichigo rolled his eyes at the reply.

'we can talk in person when you're back.'

The urge to add on 'dumbass' was strong. Read, then the three dots dancing. Seriously, why had he never replied like this before?

'ok come over just got back through the gate'

He was not expecting that response. It irritated him. A lot. May be that was unreasonable, but he could not explain it. It just irritated him.

'are u fuckin with me'

'what the fuck is with that response princess?'

'whatever give me 30 omw'

'and fuck u don't call me that'

'k ill be in shower'

'princess 3'

Ichigo tossed his phone on the desk and leaned back rubbing his face. Fucking asshole. Yea, he bet the pussy needed to shower before Ichigo came over and smelled whatever other Arrancar was on him. What a grade A asshole. Ichigo paused in his thoughts. Why was he so on edge with Grimmjow lately? Just a few weeks ago he was anxiously waiting for him to come back and ravish him. Perhaps because a certain blonde showed him another kind of physical contact that felt richer than any sex crazed Arrancar could provide him. After a long moment to gather himself, he debated if he should bother changing into some nicer clothes before heading over. Fuck it, he was not going over to mess around, he was heading over to formally cut the ties he had with the teal haired panther sexually. He wanted to still be friends, just definitely not friends with benefits anymore. He had not been conscious of how much this relationship, if you could call it that, had been draining him lately.

The whole thing originally started up to cover his ass when he had been caught going to the bar and getting high and drunk when he was still underage. Well, more to hide that he was using substances to be numb for a few hours before coming home to everyone treating him like he was made of spun glass. Grimm got him sober after that with promises of making him forget by using his body, and the sex was good most nights. Especially the incredibly drunk, fantasizing of Gin nights. Occasionally he would even remember what it felt like to have firm hands over his throat, pressing hard. Some nights he would beg to have a belt lashed around his wrists, and if he were lucky enough the drunken Espada would do it. Grimm was a lot rougher with him than others, but he would not push Ichigo to the limits the redhead wanted to be pushed to most nights. He was still afraid of triggering him after Ichigo had a traumatic episode from being caught midfall by Grimm at a party. The poor man had grabbed him by his underarm, and it triggered the memory of being dragged back to the room by Aizen, who proceeded to lash his back until he stained the nice white fur rug in the room red. Luckily Urahara and his father were there at the party. He remembered the lost and nearly afraid look Grimm gave him when he had come back to his senses. The man did not know how to handle those moments. But Ichigo felt like he could trust Izuru to hold up better if anything ever did happen. He was already incredibly patient, and he had heard how Ichimaru had trained him in those areas. It was why he had gone to the fourth for a few decades according to Gin. He was glad Izuru was being so supportive with the whole situation with Grimm. He did not think he was going to have to postpone this, and he wanted to keep Izuru in the loop of what was happening while he was gone up performing his division duties as Fukutaichou. It was only fair. He breathed in and picked the device back up, going out of the messages from Grimm and scrolling back up to Izu's name. He tapped out a message.

'grimmjow is back ill be going over soon thought id let u know :)'

He stared for a good moment, heart threatening to thump in his ears. Then the message said read, then the dots.

'What is with that grammar? Are you sure you are a literature major? LOL'

'r u trolling me right now?'

'Well, you're more doing it to yourself, but yes, I am.'

'what the hell is that even lol'

'Are you going to be okay going by yourself?'

Ichigo took the words in a moment, smiling at his phone. He just wanted this to be over at this point. It was feeling like it was far over do, from before they started dating.

'yea hes not violent or anything and besides some yelling I think itll go fine'

'Please, let me know if you want me to come over after, okay?'

He smiled again, pressing the phone to his head. A big part of him wanted Izu to come over either way. Another bigger part of him wanted to just go visit him in his Seireitei home. The redhead thought for a long moment, and then replied.

'Want to come over just to come over? Tessai and the kids are out at some nighttime museum viewing thing, and the couple would be distracted most of the night anyway. We could play some games or watch movies or something.'

Read. Ichigo set the phone down, he was acting like a kid, anxiously awaiting his lover's next message and he rebuked himself. Still, when the phone charmed, he hastily picked it up.

'Much better grammar, and aren't you eager? Lol'

'So am I though. Okay, I'll grab the gigai and come before that. I'll be waiting at the restaurant we went to before. The western style one.'

Of course, the one two blocks over from Grimmjow's place. Whatever, it worked out with that being closer. It gave him courage knowing he will have his boyfriend nearby. Maybe that's why Izuru said he would come early. Another message before he even replied.

'What would you like to eat and drink from there, I'll order as you're leaving, so it'll be ready when you arrive. Something pleasant to look forward to after an unpleasant moment. :)'

What the hell, how has he landed this absolute angel? Quick, someone tell him he is turning back in to 15-year-old him again, heart racing over some stupid text messages. The memories of messaging Ishida were bittersweet, but he still cherished the feelings he had then. He looked at the time stamp on the message and realized he needed to get up now if he wanted to have time to rinse in the shower and dress up a tad for his after-breakup date. Okay, that sounded weird, don't say that again. It's not like it was an actual break-up anyway. He hopped up, a new energy coursing through his veins and grabbed his only solid black unripped jeans, a blue belt, and a black and green stripped button up. Probably a little overboard but whatever, he was in love for the first time since he was a teen. The shower was rushed, not even bothering to thoroughly shampoo his hair, more just rubbed in the body soap and rinsed it out. He did take an extra minute to scrub around his genitals, you know, just in case anything was to happen. Drying himself he grabbed his pants, tugging them on before pulling the shirt over, not bothering to waste time unbuttoning it and tucked it in as neatly as he could while in a rush. He looked at his phone and saw a '?' from Izuru and mentally kicked himself for not replying. Damn, he had to go now, or he'd be late and the later he got there, the longer it'd take to get to his date. Groaning, he grabbed his wallet and car keys before running his toothbrush over his teeth and tossing it into the sink. He would buy a new one later. He hopped down the stairs with haste, and was out the door, turning to lock it before he unlocked his four door. Once he sat down in the driver seat, he pulled his phone out, replying to Izu first.

'Sorry, I was in the shower. Was being lazy today.'

And then the food. A small pause to think it over and then he sent it.

'I'll take the baked salmon with the cranberry and walnut salad. You pick the wine tonight. I'm on my way to his place now, may not reply for a bit.'

He tossed the phone in the cupholder and sighed. That felt weird to order like that. He put his seatbelt on and put the car in reverse, his foot holding on to the break as his phone charmed. He snagged it up to look before backing up.

'I love you, please be safe, and if you don't feel safe or he upsets you just come join me. Screw him.'

That made Ichigo laugh. He back tracked out and went into Grimm's messages quickly replying.

'sry got distracted omw right now'

Read. Dots.

'wtf im already done with my shower you wanted to talk right get your ass over asap.'

'if youre a good little boy Ill let you play a bit before I go into work.'

Ichigo rolled his eyes with an audible groan. This could not be over any faster. After having made love with someone he felt he became fully aware there was a huge difference between that and what he had had with Grimm. Ichigo kept telling himself he wanted to stay good friends, but the cat's been really agitating lately. Maybe some time apart sexually and new interests would do them both wonders. He put the phone in the holders again and pulled out of the driveway, heading to Grimmjow's place roughly 20 minutes away. By the time he finally pulled in to Grimmjow's small complex, he was rather eager to get this over with while also feeling anxious. He told his boyfriend not to worry, but now he kind of was. Grimm was being aggressive in the texts. And sadly, since he stopped training or even exercising, so Grimm could easily overpower him if he so wanted to. He inhaled deeply before turning the car off and grabbed his phone before he got out and locked his car up. He headed up the stairs swiftly, ignoring the beggar at the bottom steps. He knocked briskly, waiting for Grimm to open. He heard a clanking, like a glass cup against the glass table. Hopefully, he had not been drinking. Grimmjow opened the door, eyeing Ichigo's clean and dressed up look with a feral approval.

"Got all dressed up for me, eh?" He smirked and let out a wide, feral grin. Shit. He had been drinking. Ichigo could smell the cheap whisky, so he did not bother trying to banter with his friend. He let himself in, not exactly keen on saying everything at the doorstep. He knew he was showing his nervousness but wanted to get through this as quick as possible. He had a very handsome and very considerate person probably already waiting on him. That gave him an ounce of courage. As soon as he heard the door click, he turned, pausing to watch Grimm watching him while he circled around him, walking to the kitchen. His eyes were sharp, despite the alcohol. "So, what's been eating at you? It sounded urgent."

"Look, I don't know how to say this any other way, so I'll be blunt, Grimmjow." Ichigo clenched his fists and he inhaled deeply as he steeled his nerves and locked eyes with his sex friend. Grimm paused in his trip to the kitchen, near the fish tank. His pupils were thin slits. "I found someone I actually want to pursue a relationship with. We're already dating now. I meant to say something sooner, but kept having things come up. I… I didn't want to just text you this." He was rushing everything out, the fear of being interrupted again real. He paused to take a breath before he continued, Grimm eyeing him intensely. "I do want to be friends still, but… I won't be having sex with you anymore. I want to remain friends. Just. Not just, you know, this sort of thing." He gestured between them, nervous and a tad apologetic.

"This sort of thing..?" Grimmjow repeated slowly back as his sharp eyes narrowed dangerously, his hand mimicking Ichigo's. A moment of snide confusion rolled over his features. He closed his eyes and let a low chuckle roll out when the words settled in. He slicked fallen teal strands back in place. "What the actual flying fuck, Ichigo?" He asked with a shaking in his voice. When Grimmjow looked back up, his eyes were beads of pain, despite the feral half-cocked smile. His tone was cooler and more collected, but it was taking on edge. Ichigo would be lying if he said it did not scare him deep in his base nature. "Are you actually fucking serious right now?"

"Yes, I am. I've thought it over, a lot, and for over a year now. We should have stopped this years ago." His chest throbbed, but he tried his best to keep a level head. This was hard, and quite emotional. It did not help that Grimm sounded hurt. "The sex is great, most of the time, yea, but I want more than just some warm body to fuck me for a week straight and disappear again for months without a single text doing gods know what out there. Probably fucking six different Arrancar in a night!" He was raising his voice, so he paused before continuing. Grimm snarled with a fang on display. "I want an actual boyfriend, a lover. Someone to go out on dates with! A person to share holidays with, to share moments with. To start a healthy relationship with. I want to be able to hold hands and kiss softly out in public. I want to feel loved and appreciated, dammit!" He was emphasizing this by beating his chest with his hands, emotions raising up. He was losing his level head to the bubbling issues that simmered under his conscious for the past few years. He hated when Grimmjow disappeared, a lot of the time without informing him he was leaving and finding out from Kisuke or his dad. And when he started suspecting him of fucking around with others, he felt hurt. He told himself he had no right to be hurt since they themselves were just fuck buddies, but it still stung. Maybe it was because he wanted the blue haired man to settle for him, and him alone. He wanted a sober him to tenderly kiss him in front of everyone like it was the most normal thing in the world. Not pull away like Ichigo had just caught on fire.

"The fuck you going on about? Cuz I thought that's what we had going on already, Ichi? I thought we were more than just fuck buddies?" His lips were in an open sneer now. Fangs on full display. His eyes were moist orbs, but no tears had come loose. "3 long years. For fucking 3 years I've chosen to stay living in a gigai, gone out with you, watched movies with you, made you meals, listened to you cry in your sleep while I held you. Held you while you begged for me to kill you for hours, baby. Stopped you from fucking cutting your damn wrists open!" He slapped his own wrist for emphasis, pain written on his face. Ichigo winced. That had been awhile back, and he had hoped the man had forgotten about it since he was rather drunk that night. "I even bought you a ring. A promise ring, Ichi! I haven't just been fucking some random guy who I thought would be easy! I made love to you! I fucking MADE LOVE TO YOU, ICHIGO!" The pain burned in his words, his throat catching, and he inhaled sharply. His hands raised and danced in an anxious fashion in the air while he paced the room, angry and emotional. "FUCK!" Ichigo winced further at the intense display, and at the bellowed word. He never once thought the Espada cared for him more than the youth being an open hole to fuck. Okay, maybe they had some musical interests and liked a few of the same shows. And they went out with mutual friends to local concerts and venues. But Grimmjow thought they were dating this whole time?

"What am I talking about? What am I talking about!? What the hell are you going on about? Made love to me? Half the time I was bleeding after! And when the hell did you ever tell me that you cared for me more than just my body? I have never once heard you tell me you loved me. NEVER!" Ah. He was becoming angry for once. It was rare these days. But it was happening. The emotions washed over his mind, and he was seeing a red tint. He was sure his eyes were gold and black, judging by the flash of electric blue from Grimm.

"I didn't think I had to tell you, because I showed you all the fucking time, you fucking asshole!" He turned away with hands fisted in his hair, he was trying to grasp the situation, and the fact that the person he loved for years now never once thought of them as a couple. Even Urahara, even FUCKING KISUKE thought they were lovers! Grimmjow had been so proud and excited someone had recognized them as a couple.

"You took off and were gone for 6 months the time before this last one, Grimm! For six mother fucking MONTHS!" Ichigo was practically screaming at this point. His throat would be sore later. "And you didn't even tell me. I heard it from Hirako this last time, Kisuke and my dad half the other times! You just up and disappear every other month before. Half the time right after you've fucked me raw! Half the time returning smelling vividly of other Arrancar from getting your dick wet other places. Hell, I wasn't even sure you were going to come back this last time!"

"I have fucking responsibilities, god dammit! I've never fucked around behind your back! I'm not some man whore!" He slammed down his fist onto the corner table at the end of the cream couch, and the wood split easily. Ichigo felt his inner Hollow growl protectively at the display. "I don't get to just fuck off and hide away, I'm still an Espada and swore to help protect Hueco Mundo and shit has been happening, you fucking, fucking, SHIT!" He picked up a piece of the broken table and slung it across to the opposite wall, both breaking it more and creating a fine dent into the drywall. He panted heavily and was furious, his reiatsu humming dangerously low.

"And that's what I do, isn't it?" He looked Ichigo in his eyes. In his baby boy's beautifully hurt and broken eyes set in a scowl. "I just hide away and let everyone else deal with the shit mess I created?"

"Shit. No. No!" He felt exasperated. He never meant to make his beautiful boy feel that way. His gorgeous man who wanted to leave him for someone else. Who said they already started seeing each other. How was everything so fucked up suddenly? "That's not what I meant. Fuck, what the hell, Ichigo?" His eyes were pleading pools of blue searching the depths of earth reflected in the eyes of the man he loved. "All this time, all these years and you never, NEVER once thought hey, this stupid arrogant asshole loves me? You never even thought I did?" His voice was once of hushed reserve and broken desperation. His eyes were deep pools swirling with pain and pleading.

"I… You were…" He felt himself deflate and a pain began to settle in place of the anger. His stomach was twisted deep inside in the lower part again. "I'm just not sure anymore. I just. Fuck, what the hell?" Ichigo could not take all the emotions running through his veins at that moment. His heart was tearing up, looking at that stare. Tears broke free despite him desperately not wanting to cry in front of Grimm. He quickly fisted his eyes out of embarrassment and irritation as he plopped himself onto the couch, hunched over facing away from the man on his right. Confusion wrought in his face. Feeling completely ruined with this sudden revelation. Now he felt like the biggest shit eating asshole ever. He still loved Kira, he really liked him so much, even if he also has had some amazing times with Grimmjow, the man who now proclaimed his love to him had become someone he did not want in his love life. Ichigo's mind was reeling over everything form the last few years. Had the skull ring he gotten really be considered something so romantic? He thought it was just a cool looking ring he got on his birthday from his friend and fuck buddy. He never once thought that it was anything more. Who else thought they were going out? Was he the only one not in on this cruel joke of a situation?

"I can't believe you never once felt the love I poured into everything I did for you…" Grimmjow watched from the corner of his eyes while he felt the full spectrum of emotions Ichigo let dance over his reiatsu. Inhaling a mouthful of air, he exhaled before he hesitantly went over to sit next to Ichigo. Ichigo flinched for just a second, turning to scoot so as not be directly next to Grimmjow. And that hurt a lot more than the Espada wanted it to. Like a stab right into his heart. He was furious. Fucking furious right now, wanting to ask a thousand questions. But he also wanted to stay with Ichigo, to salvage this nightmare. He loved him more than life itself. He wanted him to be his mate, to mark him. For him to carry his babies. "Have you. I mean." He kept trying to think of what to say or ask without letting himself yell at his strawberry boy. He held his hands together and pressed them to his forehead and nose, nerves going raw. "Have you been intimate with this other person?" The flare in reiatsu was telling enough, and that hurt, deeply so. His beautiful boy was always so loyal to him. Ichigo nodded, going in on himself further, still facing away, his right arm over his shoulder to hide his obviously crying face.

"I'm so sorry…" It was a hushed and broken sound. Had he just been out there helping Harribel with everything, not fucking around? And if he thought they were dating, then to him it was Ichigo who cheated. He felt awful. So awful, but he had made up his mind.

"Fuck, I can't believe this right now…" Grimm covered open palms over his eyes. They were stinging with the amount of feeling behind them. "Who is it? Will you tell me who at least..?"

"… Kira Izuru…" Grimm stared wide eyed for a moment before it turned to a feral snarl.

"Seriously?! That blonde little shit!" He belted out, but after a moment of thinking he addressed the redhead with a soft desperation. "Ichi, baby boy, c'mon, that's not good for you and you know it…"

"Why, because of Gin?" Ichigo turned to face his friend. His eyes were wet, but not puffed. They were searching back and forth in his light blue eyes. Grimm sat there unmoving.

"Yes, and because he still thinks so highly of him. You know that. The guy practically worships his memory. What if he brings him, or even Aizen up? I don't want you getting, you know, triggered again…" His eyes were ones of genuine worry, but it only served to ruffle Ichigo's feathers.

"Yes, I do know. It was nice to be able to just be honest with how I felt about that time…"

"I've always been here; you could have talked to me. I tried getting you to talk to me, dammit!"

"You wouldn't have listened because you think I'm just some victim!" The volume was raising again. They fit right in with the neighbors now.

"You were! You were a 15-year-old KID who got taken by the enemy and used as a bargaining chip all the while being beaten, starved and god, I don't even want to know what else right now!" Grimm turned to Ichigo, pulling his left leg up onto the couch and draping his left arm over the back of the couch to lean in as close as possible. He talked in a hushed desperate tone as his eyes pleaded silently. "Being a victim isn't wrong, Ichigo. You were not wrong, and I want you to just realize your worth. What they did to you was wrong, not you. You deserve to be happy and forget all of that. To just lead a normal life now."

"I do realize my worth, and I'm not just some helpless victim! So much more happened then any of that!" He was trying to lean back to avoid being so close. He knew Grimmjow did not understand. Not from his viewpoint. In the end he was just like the others. This felt cold and stale compared to the warmth he shared with Izuru. Kira was nothing but accepting and caring, where Grimm felt desperate and monotonous. He wanted so badly to just get up go like Izu said to do. He glanced to the door, and then back to the heavily breathing drunk in front of him. "I was not just some victim…"

"You were an imprisoned kid! You have small leftover scars and were hurt so bad that Unohana wouldn't let anyone except Isshin and Urahara see you for a week after you were brought back! You still have night terrors for fuck's sake! Crying out at some phantoms!"

"I wasn't just beaten senseless dammit. And the nightmares don't stem from just that! It's deeper, asshole! I dream about my lacking to save my sisters, I have night terrors about death, because I was a kid fighting in a life-or-death WAR, because I watched my friend get cut in half and sat there trying to hold him together long enough that maybe Inoue or Unohana could put him back together, dammit!" He was feeling the emotions form that moment in time hit again. He focused on breathing for a moment before he turned his face away, not daring to look at the man in front of him when he spoke next. "Anything that I received wasn't something I hadn't asked for. I loved everything that happened and would not change any of it." The words he spoke were gritted out.

"Bullshit." It was said coolly. Ichigo looked back to him, faces inches apart. They studied each other's eyes a beat. "You were a kid. 15 years of age. And no kid ever asks to be hurt like that. To be traumatized for the rest of their lives."

"Yes, I did. I literally asked for it, Grimm. I knew I liked men since I was 12. And Aizen knew that, exploited that fact. Yea, he was a monster, but he was not the one I care to remember." He motioned his hands in a stopping motion while he squeezed his eyes shut. "You know what, you want me to be honest with you?" He pushed himself upright, making Grimmjow sit further back to avoid clashing heads. Ichigo words felt relentless, no room for pause. Not trying to be careful with how he was sounding to someone else like he often did. "Gin cut me and was ready to kill me when I first ran into them. I was bleeding like a stuck little pig and was scared out of my fucking mind. I was going to die. My sisters were going to die. I had failed. And you know happened? I got a fucking hard on. A hard on because Gin was disrobed. Seeing his pale, supple skin and long, red cock got me going harder than I ever had been before in my life. A fucking hard on that Aizen saw and pointed out. So, instead of killing me and having that advantage in the war I was taken to their precious private chambers," Grimmjow swallowed thickly against the strain in his throat, but otherwise sat staring at Ichigo unwavering. Ichigo leaned in, a sneer on his face. "…and I was FUCKED, I was forced to SUCK them off, I was CUT open many times over and a hundred other things, every day, every night, for a year." He smiled a small, twisted smile. He spoke almost softly, diligently. "And I loved it. I loved when I would be fucked so hard, I was raw to the touch and still begging for more. I loved being hung up by my wrists and ankles and fucked midair while being chocked when Aizen was bored. It's how I know I love having rods down my urethra and my nipples clamped tightly, just the way Gin did it. It's how I know I like pressure around my wrists and if I'm being honest, I really miss the cuffs and collar." Grimm became visibly uncomfortable the more he said. "I like having bits in mouth and blindfolds on, not sure who was going to fuck me next and not being able to ask." He snickered inappropriately, perhaps a little uncomfortable himself. "The shit we do barely scratches the surface of what I want done to me. And I never, EVER felt like a victim." He leaned a bit more, as if to emphasize what he whispered next. "It felt like the single most freeing experience I have ever had. They were sick, evil people, but by the gods, at least I didn't have to pretend to be someone I wasn't." He paused, breathes coming in heavy at the sudden reveal. He felt a little lightheaded and thought for a moment as he smiled a soft turn of his lips, his eyes recalling fondness. "Izuru-san gives me that. I could be honest from the start, never once second guessing if I should reveal some kink or avoid a conversation. I can just be the person I am without holding anything back. He is what I need." He looked up with a bittersweet face. "I'm so sorry, Grimm. I am. I enjoyed us, I did. And for what it's forth I'm sorry for never trusting you fully to tell you all of this before, and never realizing there was more than what I was seeing. I'm sorry for accusing you of cheating even though we weren't in a serious relationship. I'm sorry, really, I am. But this can't keep on, and I already made my decision." He paused for only a fraction of a second before getting up and leaving a speechless Grimmjow still on the couch, hand partially raised as if he had intended to stop him but did not. Then he moved his hand over his eyes, trying to hold back the tears. He heard the door click closed more softly than what was satisfying. It should have been slammed. It felt like Ichigo was in control, and it pissed Grimmjow off so much. Why had not he ever told him all of that. He had suspected Ichigo may have been raped back then, but to say he loved it… So wonder he had used drugs and drank so much after coming back.

"Fuck , what the hell, you beautiful little shithead?" The warmth of a salty tear glided down his heated cheeks. "Fuck." His throat caught the lump that had settled in, and more tears fell silently. He sniffled and tried wiping his eyes, but more came after. "Fuck, fuck this so much." It came out as a pained snivel.

xXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXx

Dinner with Kira following the ordeal at Grimmjow's was beyond fantastic. The food was amazing once again, and he was delighted Izuru joined him for a single glass of red wine. Then water the rest of their meal. Once back to the Shoten, Urahara and the others were even kind enough to let them have the living room all to themselves for the remainder of night. They got to play games together, Jinta even being kind enough to let them play his newest game he had yet to play himself. After a failed attempts at the insanely difficult boss fights, they switched over to watch a couple of horror movies after that. It well made up for everything that happened earlier in the night. After a few hours of that he expected his lover to need to leave, but he said he wanted to stay over and be with him through the night. And it only got better after that. The blonde had taken the following day off, so he invited him to come over and hangout with him in Seireitei the following morning. Specifically he liked the idea to utilize that time to go over everything Ichigo had wanted to. He had told Izuru how he had blurted out a summary of what had been done to him to Grimmjow, and only a short time after they ate did the weight of what he had done settle over his mind. Kira was kind and told him they could take their time and talk everything over however he wanted, without judgement. It was his story to tell.

The blonde's Fukutaichou home was larger than he would have thought, and it was honestly quite nice. The view was full of lush greenery, and there was even a small pond near the entrance. He noticed a couple of koi about in the water and wondered if he had gotten them from Byakuya's giant pond. Early birds were chirping enthusiastically, and the summer cicadas were humming. The sun was barely peaking over the mountain tops as it was rather early when they had come over with Hirako. Kisuke had kicked him out to come and get his weekly lump sum of paperwork and Taichou duties done and over with. Ichigo also thought it was not a coincidence that Kira had taken a day off and Shinji had to come back even though his return seemed to be not planned by him. He wondered offhand if Kisuke and Izuru were keeping in contact with each other after the other day. Ichigo really did want to have this day with Izuru, so he could not find any sympathy for the older man who had been made to come back. Okay, perhaps a little bit of sympathy since Kurosaki knew he had not really wanted to be a captain any longer. But he should still come in to work at least once a week, though.

Kira was proper in taking Ichigo to his home. He guided him to his door and spoke on a decoration here and a small shrine there while they walked through the entrance. He almost laughed at how it felt like he was on a tour. It was spacious and was sparsely furnished. There was a table that had a stack of sitting cushions near it, his desk was stacked with neatly organized piles of papers and folders, a hall that most likely led to his room and the restroom, and a kitchenette off from the main area. Ichigo complained at forgetting to bring any extra clothes, so after a shower and some half-hearted fondling, the two changed into some spare yukata Kira had in his closet. He gave an indigo one to Ichigo, and a deep green one for himself, both tied off with simple black obis. After changing they left to go grab some breakfast. Izuru told him about a nice cafe shop over at the 4th Squad and so they made the trip over. By chance they ran into Kyoraku and his husband, both surprised to see the redhead. Ukitake's eyes lit up and he gave Ichigo a large hug, which the youth returned in kind.

"It's been a long time, Kurosaki-kun! How is everything?" He pulled back, but still held his arms. Ichigo laughed a bit at the reaction.

"I'm okay. How about yourselves?" Izuru boldly stepped up behind Ichigo and pressed the hands from his boyfriend. Ukitake took it in stride as he laughed at the blonde as he released the youth. The dark-haired man came over and looked well rested considering everything happening.

"Kira-kun, Kurosaki-kun." Kyoraku gave a short greeting as he tipped his hat. Kira nodded to him and Ichigo gave a little wave. "I have heard some interesting things pertaining to you two."

"All in good faith, hopefully, sir." He smiled a smart-ass smile and laced his right hand onto the lower section of Ichigo's back.

"Hmm, that's to be determined." There was a mischievous glint in his eyes, and Uki laughed at what was said.

"Stop it, Shun." Jushiro warned softly, with a playful swat to his arm. Shunsui feigned being hurt by his words.

"Aw, bun, it's fun to tease the young lovebirds." The older man grappled for his husband who giggled at his rowdy man. Ichigo laughed at that.

"Tease away, you're playing at kindergarten level compared to Urahara and Hirako."

"Oh? And how is the underdog doing these days? I haven't seen him in over a year, if I'm being honest."

"Good, though I think the whole fake Arrancar stuff is really wearing on him." Ichigo lowered his gaze in thought and added on an afterthought. "I'm wearing on him." Kira caressed the back of his neck with tender care as he whispered something to him, and then he redirected the conversation to keep it light. Kurosaki looked back to the couple, whatever was said seemed to put him at ease.

"Why are you two here? Everything well with your health, Sou-Taichou?"

"Oh, no, please don't call me that. It's embarrassing when talking directly with me. And yes, we weren't visiting for myself." He laughed while waving Izuru off with a delicate wave of his hand. The change of subject understood.

"Saishou-san…" Kira looked a bit offput, and Ichigo looked at the three, obviously confused.

"Aye. He still has a ways to go before he'll be available to get around properly, even with Orihime-chan's help." Kyoraku came a bit closer and placed his hand on the confused youth. He had no intention of getting the redhead directly involved.

"Orihime? She was here..?" Ichigo looked both frustrated and worried. Ukitake gave him a soft look over before he patted his arm kindly.

"She had a prior engagement with some of the ladies, so I requested for her to stop by the 4th to aid in an injured man's recovery. Nothing more, Ichigo. It was nothing serious."

"I. Sorry, I… Sorry." Ichigo averted his eyes and fidgeted with the ring on his thumb, twisting it slightly.

"No need to be, it's understandable to be worried about your friend. She looked in good spirits though. All bubbles and sunshine." Ukitake smiled warmly to him. Ichigo looked to him and tried to smile back.

"Yea, that does sound like her." He admitted and stepped closer to his boyfriend. His uncomfortable demeanor visible to the other three.

"Ah, but don't tell Rukia-chan about her being here. It's a surprise and all." Jushiro held up his index finger with a hushing motion to his lips playfully. That lightened the mood and Ichigo looked to relax slightly.

"Oh? Anything happening with Rukia?" He had a small, corky smile pulling at his lips.

"You don't remember? Abarai-san and Madarame-kun were talking about it. For Kuchiki-san's surprise baby shower. It's a few weeks away, I beleive. All the ladies in the Woman's Association have een diligently planning it. Orihime-chan included." Ichigo stared at him as if he had grown another head. He laughed at that. "They were talking about it right in front of us, when we were eating breakfast that first day?"

"Oh. Oh, right, I remember something about a party or festival!" He perked up at that. But then a spectacular blush ran over his features as a small scowl set in. "You were distracting me from hearing it."

"What was I doing besides eating and listening to them?" Ichigo gave his laughing lover a rather adorable pout before he looked away, then glanced back, away and back again with a more pronounced pout set on a scowl.

"Being too damn hot…" Kira paused before he laughed wonderfully alongside the two older men. Then Ichigo's stomach demanded food, which made his blush deepen.

"Ah, we were getting ready to get breakfast. Care to join us?" Kyoraku snaked his hand around his husband's waist as he spoke.

"Funny, that's why we were heading here in the first place. The cafe?" Izuru inquired as Ichigo laced his fingers with his and laid his head on his shoulder. Kira was really starting to love when he did that. Especially in front of others. He laid a soft kiss to his head, and Jushiro smiled to them.

"Yes! It's such a lovely little place to dine in peace." As he spoke Shunsui took his left hand into his and lifted it to kiss tenderly, earning a soft peck from him. The two couples walked to the café as Ukitake went on about things that had been happening all around Seireitei and the changes he made since he became the Sou-Taichou. He was kind not to bring up Aizen's detention deep in the 2nd Division and Ichigo never asked. He trusted they had him secure. Kisuke had been the one who came up with the contraption that held him inside, so he was sure it would hold him there for all eternity. And the man deserved it, he was sure. The two couples walked through the streets as they talked, occasionally a wave to a fourth squad member in passing. The atmosphere was nice, and it felt good to be out with another couple again. Ichigo enjoyed this just as much, if not more, than the rowdy outings at bars and clubs down in the Human world when he went out with Grimmjow. He had enjoyed the brief lunch with Hirako and Urahara, though he had yet to ask about what happened between Kisuke and his boyfriend. It had felt like a tension, but last night was completely fine. If anything, they seemed to be getting along well. The conversation had turned to one on health which led to a discussion on fitness. Ichigo shyly admitted he realized how much he had let himself go, almost no muscle definition at all those days. Kira commented on how he still looked good regardless, but Kurosaki told him he had wanted to get back to a fitness routine again, and that it may even help with everything. Kyoraku agreed and said how it improved moods a great deal, which Ukitake elbowed him. They came upon their destination while Shunsui rubbed his side. The cafe was quaint and small, and just a few members of the fourth were there eating western styled breakfasts like Scottish crumpets and eggs benedict. It smelled of fresh brewed coffee, sweetness and a variety of fresh cooked pork. Izuru mentally noted his redhead flipping the menu around once again, and was kind enough to tell the waiter one of the dishes Ichigo had stared at the most during the four men's conversation while they had been looking over the menus. Kurosaki seemed quite pleased with his lead, and the rest of the meal was nice. The two older men brought up nothing on the recent Hollow activity, and nothing more was mentioned about the 8th injured squad member. All conversation light with an edge of flirting. Mostly from Kyoraku, but Ichigo said his fair shre as well.

After the nice meal Ukitake and Kyoraku treated them to, they returned to finish their day inside Kira's nice home. The blonde made them green tea from scratch, and Kurosaki was memorized by the process. The noble was skilled, he would give him that. Okay, that was hot to think. A noble, his boyfriend. They spoke over idle subjects while they sipped the tea while Ichigo processed how he would address the subjects he knew they would be talking about. Ichigo wasn't sure were, or even how to begin. There was so much he had wanted to say. So many things to ask of his boyfriend and to just talk to him about. Kira smiled at the nervousness Kurosaki was showing. They had already had sex, Izu knew about the sakura blossom, and yet still, he was worried for some reason. The blonde thought he had every right to be, but it was still a bit funny to watch him squirm. So, he thought of something that would help relieve some of the stress. Something Unohana had taught Hisagi and him to do to relieve the stress of talking about difficult subjects. His good friend was kind enough to let him vent about things he knew Abarai would not accept as easily.

"Here." Izuru rose from the other side of the table and patted over behind Ichigo. Ichigo twisted around to try and look, but Kira guided his face forward with the fingertips of his right hand. "I was shown that this can help, that way you're not facing me directly. It's not a confrontation, it's more… intimate?"

"Okay. Wait, who showed you this? Gin?" Izuru was finally settled in behind his lover. A kiss laid over his neck, right at the thin bite scar he had unintentionally left. That made him stir, to see that marking there on his lover. Something primal inside him purred at that.

"No, Unohana did after I had a meltdown and refused to speak to anyone after they first left." Izuru sat with a leg on either side of Ichigo, and the youth felt a pluck of arousal. Another kiss to his neck, and a soft moan escaped his lips.

"Oh. Who did you speak to then?" Then a teasing tone. "Did they kiss you, too?"

"Shu. He's been one of my closest and trusted friends since I was in the Academy. And no, smartass. He's the most straight, no-dick guys I have ever met." Izuru chuckled at the suggestion.

"Why didn't he help back when Aizen did everything then? You told Hisagi about the choking and beatings from Aizen, didn't you?" Somehow Ichigo always led with a distinct lack of tact.

"I had told him then." Kira reached up and ran his fingertips gently up Kurosaki's hair. He hummed at that. "I told Unohana-Taichou. I told Kyoraku-Taichou, Ukitake-Taichou, even mentioned it to Zaraki of all people at some point. But no one ever did anything back then."

"Aizen's Zanpakuto…" Ichigo had his head back, and Izuru heard the sigh that he made. His fingers arched and he let his nails rake over his sensitive scalp in circular motions. He wanted him to be relaxed when they addressed his side. Izuru already had his time to vent and adjust. Ichigo was still young and had not. Even these last seven years he had been hiding a big part of his story from everyone. Kira nodded at what Ichigo had observed.

"Yes. He would blind them to my words. They would greet me an hour later as if nothing had happened. Even I was reprogramed after a while, Aizen having become frustrated with my feeble attempts to reveal him. It was Ichimaru's begging that kept me alive." A long pull from the front of his scalp to the base of his skull, and then back up over his hair. He would have to let Izu know to do this during sex some time.

"I'm sorry. That must have been so frustrating and lonely…" The hands massaging his scalp ran down his neck and onto his shoulders. Ichigo shifted a bit and tilted his head to the side. "Wait, so then how do you remember now?"

"I think it was to fuck with me mentally. He released those memories after they left. It was what led to my mental breakdown. All these memories of the beatings, the raping, the choking, the times I died and the time that I watched Ichimaru die from Aizen's hands as well. All of it came slamming back into my head. I felt like I had gone insane. Luckily Shuhei and I had been out drinking together that night, and he took me to Unohana-Taichou."

"Aizen killed Gin and yourself?" A soft 'yes' made Kurosaki feel sick. "I had no idea. About that. About all of that. I. I'm so sorry, Izuru…" Izuru's fingers slid along his yukata's collar, back and forth.

"I used my training from the 4th Squad to bring him back that night, so it's fine… Ichimaru having been the one to revive me a couple of times after Aizen was done with me." He shifted forward and kissed the tender neck in front of himself. He really wanted to bite him but fought the urge.

"Did anyone else know about what happened to you all of those years ago?"

"Only a tight handful of people were aware of it. A couple of friends, and then just Unohana-Taichou, the previous Sou-Taichou and Ukitake-Sou-Taichou." He started slipping his fingers under Ichigo's collar, and it felt nice. If not a little distracting. Especially when his hands slipped further under the fabric. "Everyone else would have told you I had been entrusted with a mission, alongside Hisagi and Akon. It was about two weeks before I could even function well after that. This training, and the techniques Unohana-Taichou showed me helped greatly. As did Akon and Shu's support. Here, shift to the side."

"Wait. What're you doing?" Ichigo asked lightheartedly with an amused smile while he looked around at his boyfriend. Kira had started to tug Ichigo's summer attire down, slipping deft hands under at the shoulders, as he easily disrobed his upper body. The cool breeze hit his warm, sickly wet skin and sent a chill up his spine. It was a particularly hot summer day.

"There, that way you're not so warm. You've been complaining about being hot all day. Just look at how much you've sweated." Kurosaki had been hot since earlier while out walking today. He felt strangely exposed, and he was kind of liking it. Ichigo wet his lips and turned back around. Izuru took a moment to fold the soft, silky yukata top neatly around his belt. Ichigo felt a warm palm on his chilled back. His member perked again at the close contact.

"Okay… I'm not going to argue with that. And, sorry for all the sweat." He thought for a moment. "So, it was Hisagi and… Akon who were with you?"

"Yup." Those skilled hands were kneading his shoulder blades so well.

"I mean, I completely get Shu, but… Akon?"

"Yes? What about him? He is a good friend of mine and one of Shu's best friends. Those two grew up with each other before Akon went to the Maggot's Nest." Okay, he was learning a lot right then.

"Okay, wait. So, he's your friend, which is fine. Like, I like the guy, but he was in the Maggot's Nest?" Kira laughed wonderfully at that. He swatted at Ichigo's head lightly.

"Aren't we supposed to be talking about you, and what you wanted to talk about?" He turned to look at Kira for a moment and then turned back as he dipped his head down in thought.

"Mm. Well, I guess, yea…" He tapped his knee with his hand to disperse the anxiety. "But you're telling me more later. Hmm. I want to know what you heard of that time. A control factor for were to start, I guess."

"Reasonable. Hmm. If I remember it had become known quickly that you had become imprisoned, which put everyone on a high level of alert. Your friends and the few Shinigami to enter escaped with only one casualty," Kira paused to rub small circles into his cooled skin, up his back. Ichigo had heard about the Fukutaichou of the 8th and what had happened to her. In the darkest, deepest part of his head, he was jealous of her death. To die while getting fucked sounded pretty nice to him. He did not dare to ever whisper it to the air though. That would be crossing a very defined line, and even someone as fucked up as him knew it. Especially if her uncle ever heard him say anything of the sort. "Aizen had put up some sort of barrier or something that made it incredibly difficult to breach after. Your sisters returned a few months later, being brought through by Nel and a few of the stronger Hollows with intelligence as well as the rebel Espada. I believe Grimmjow was one of them." A sore spot that Kira quickly passed over. That was considerate of him. "Luckily a few months after the Arrancar finally decided to rebel and aided in breaking that barrier. And so, just over a year and you were rescued while Aizen's Espada army was weakened quite a bit with many of his high-ranking officers coming over to our side. That was what eventually led to our victory. If you could call it that." He pressed firmer and made broader circles with his knuckles. Then his hands flattened and rubbed up and then sunk low to the hem of his hakama. Kira was testing the waters, and Ichigo enjoyed it, so why stop him? "I heard from a few members of the 4th that you were found by Kuchiki-Taichou with Ichimaru's body, his Zanpakuto in your hand, his throat slit open. You killed him." Ichigo slowly nodded his head and breathed in a deep breath. "Then a quasi-torture chamber was found inside that room you were kept in, and it was theorized you had been plausibly kept there during the entire year of captivity. Only freeing yourself after and taking one of your capture's lives."

"Just the surface then?" He carded through his orange hair as he huffed out a small laugh.

"From most people's standpoint, yes. As well as the official report."

"Okay. Wow. No, it was not like that at all, well, okay a bit, but… Well. Huh. Um… I had gone in to get my sisters, along with Renji, Rukia, and Chad. We found Inoue quickly, but my sisters were not kept in the same place. I remember Inoue hadn't even known they were there with her when I asked where they were. I left her with Renji and Chad, and I know Byakuya and a few captain level Shinigami came in after, if I remember right. I only ran into Zaraki for a moment, so I don't remember who exactly and for how long." He licked his lips and pressed back into his amazing man's hands. "I was with a small version of Nel searching the halls for my sisters. It was disorienting being there, the halls all looked the same. The halls and corridors were all this, this pristine white marble, but at some point, I started noticing these obnoxiously extravagant velvet curtains hanging from top to bottom. These maroon curtains. It felt… strange. I felt strange. Then, uh, I remember hearing this song playing from somewhere down a twisting hall. This stupid, sickly-sweet song. It. When I first heard it once I was back, I just blacked out. It's like it stuck in my brain or something. It had a momentary berserker effect. I almost hurt my friends that second night back. I would have if not for Ikkaku and Renji…"

"Hey… Take your time, pause if you need to." He had sensed the picked-up pace of breathing and realized he was trying to rush through it. Kira leaned in and kissed his back as his hands rubbed up his shoulders, and lingered trained fingers over his trapezoids, kneading the muscles there. Ichigo nodded and just breathed, occasionally swallowing. He inhaled before he continued. None of this had ever been spoken aloud to anyone, not even himself. They only ever played over in his mind late at night when no one was there to distract him from himself. "Nel, she said… I don't remember exactly now, but it was basically to turn around, that I had gone somewhere forbidden and dangerous, even to the top ranking Espada. But in my childish bravado that only egged me on." He chuckled a dry laugh. "I thought I could take care of anything I encountered. So, I continued. I turned down a long, winding corridor, the curtains from ceiling to floor all the way down the hall, only one pulled back and letting the glow of the Hueco Mundo's moon through and into the hall. I had not even realized it was outside of Las Noches…" With a lick of his lips and an inhale he went on. "I was going, strong and fast until I felt a pressure that turned into pain…" He reached over his left shoulder, tapping where the sliver of a scar was, just far enough to not be fatal. Izuru reached up and softly squeezed the fingers that were hung over his shoulder. Ichigo squeezed back before he pulled his hand back to the other one in his lap. He swallowed hard and breathed uneasily. It took a moment of him opening his mouth to start and closing it again. "Gin, he was in front of me in flash." Izuru laid his forehead to Ichigo's back while pulling his hands low to knead his lower back. Ichigo licked his lips and let a small moan escape before he breathed in again. "He wasn't. He. Gin had some red yukata or robe on, or well… sort of. It was. Loose. Parted far, and already off his shoulders, laying around his hips." It was hard, but not as difficult as he thought speaking to Izuru about Gin. What he had always feared was happening though. And his lover's gentle and sensual massage did not help his reaction. His erect cock was a main reason he never brought this time up to anyone. He knew he should not be aroused by those who damaged him so, but he did become aroused thinking about it.

"You had interrupted them." Kira observed softly. Ichigo nodded urgently. Izuru rubbed up Ichigo's sides languidly, fingertips pressing into firmer sides. Ichigo jolted a bit at his sides being touched. They were always a sensitive spot. Kira laughed lowly and Kurosaki liked what he was feeling. He unintentionally hummed at the touches, Izuru's movements encouraged.

"Gin, right then. I… The sight of him, in that moonlight, undressed to that degree… Oh, gods, Izuru, I was just a teen at the time, I had only ever kissed one person before that. I had never even bothered to look at gay porn." Kira had not expected that. What an unlucky, innocent kid to have fallen into the devil's clutches. "And when Gin walked to me, his clothing started falling apart further. Mm." Kira reached around and caressed his found firm dick. Ichigo laid his head back on Izu's shoulder and moaned. "Fuck… He was so fucking gorgeous, and at the same time I was insanely scared. I lost focus of everything. Nel, my sisters, the war. All I could think was that I was going to die and not save anyone as he placed his Zanpakuto to my head. His Shinso. I knew it could pierce my skull just as easily as it had my chest. And I was so terrified. And so fucking hard." Izuru kissed his shoulder and firmly stroked his hard on through the fabric there. "Mmm… And there in the room, Aizen was, he. Fuck, that feels good. Mm. He was just sitting there, so high and mighty. And I. God, thinking of it now, I actually. I get so hard." Kira chuckled at that and gave the length a squeeze. Had he just admitted to someone his deepest and darkest secret so easily? And his godly man, his moon, he sat there encouraging him without missing a beat. His hand stroking him, and it felt phenomenal.

"Hey… You're doing great, sunshine. I promise I'm not judging you or condemning you. I'll listen to you all night, okay?" Ichigo twisted his torso to look over at Kira. The blonde was smiling a reassuring smile, his blonde hair pulled back in a lose ponytail, some shorter length strands escaped and were framing his features. Ichigo smiled back before he leaned forward and kissed him. He looked down and decided to scoot back in favor of laying his head on the Fukutaichou's lap. He knew Izuru was partially aroused just like Ichigo was and mouthed over the morsel hidden under his cotton yukata. Izuru leaned over him slightly as he smoothed his hair in such a tender way. "Mm, such a good boy. That feels good, sun. But feel free to continue." Ichigo hummed and mouthed harder at the fabric before he shifted and sat up to untie the fabric. He looked up to Kira as he worked on the fabric.

"I was 15, and I already knew I liked men. But had never even been with anyone, let alone took the time to explore porn or experiment. Months after meeting Rukia I had had my first kiss with a boy I liked. Just a stupidly sweet kiss, quick and way too soft. He didn't even like men, and it was humiliating because I confessed and kissed him before I even gave him a chance to reply." He turned his eyes away from Izuru's intense and hot gaze. "Aizen saw my reaction at seeing his lover's body before I even realized it myself. Even though… I was so sure I was going to die right then. I knew it was going to happen. But. My body was reacting to that beautiful form." He sucked at the sensitive skin and stroked the length. Izuru let out a breathy sigh. "My cock was reacting to seeing Ichimaru so bare under that soft moonlight. His hair, and those cyan eyes, fuck, I… I was so HARD." His attention on speaking lost momentarily while he undid the fabric that was in his way. Kira caressed his face and leaned in to kiss him chastely. Ichigo hummed as Kira's free hand helped him get that delicious piece freed and push the hakama down far enough not to be a bother. "Aizen found that fact amusing to no end. He knew I was embarrassed for having gotten a hardon at that moment. He teased me and degraded me over it the rest of that night. After he had personally came and dragged me into the room by my neck with threats to my sisters' lives if I tried running…" Ichigo pecked Izu's lips before he bent over and sucked at the leaking tip, then dipped lower to bob over it a couple of times. He pulled off to talk with a lick the vein underneath. Izuru caressed and smoothed over his hair as he spoke, encouraging both the talk and the stroking. The older man hummed and rubbed over Ichigo's shoulders. "Aizen found it so damn hilarious. That narcissistic laugh echoed down the hall."

"He usually did, Ichigo…" It was a hushed, matter of fact comment. A reassurance Ichigo was not alone in feeling this way. The redhead reached his hand back and grasped the soothing hand on his shoulder, just holding it gently. Kira gave it a soft squeeze and Ichigo let it go to grasp the base of his dick. He looked up before he swallowed the length far into his throat as he could in one go and bobbed a few times before Kira pressed his head further down by the hairs at the back of his neck. Kurosaki closed his eyes and enjoyed the stretch he felt in the back of his throat with a delighted moan. Kira kept speaking while he fucked that hot mouth. "Mm… He was a sadist, through and through. Not even just for sexual pleasure. And no one would ever take that from him. Not even Ichimaru-sama." He buckled a bit at the skilled tongue over his piercing. Ichigo pulled back and nodded as Kira wiped a thick string of saliva from his chin. After a moment he began again as he continued stroking him. He really wanted this fat dick in his wanting bussy.

"I was taken into that room. That single, forbidden room by Aizen." Kira knew that feeling. He had been taken into a similar forbidden room in Rukongai back in his Academy years. And decades after that into Aizen's house in the 5th Division after he was Taichou, and Ichimaru his Fukutaichou. His eyes reflected quiet understanding and pure arousal as Ichigo stared up to him. Gods, this man was truly the most perfect person for him. He was sucking him off while revealing the rawest memories he had in him. It was then Kurosaki decided he wanted to be fucked while he continued. He sat up and started undoing his own tie, and Kira quickly aided him in doing so. Apparently great minds do think alike. "I. I should be furious. I should hate them." He caught Izuru's lips, and they kissed deeply, tongues pressed together for dominance. Ichigo broke free as he gulped for air and his vampire took teeth to his throat. "But I couldn't. It was so fucking hot after that. Having two hot men lust after me and do all those things. How could I have been mad?" Izuru ran his hand over his jaw and then caressed his earlobe while his mouth latched to his neck. "And I was so scared that first night, but then…" Ichigo tapped his lover aside before he stood up and pulled his yukata off quickly shucking it to the table to their side. Izuru lifted his hips and pushed it down and away from his hips with an urgent need, much like Ichi. "Then the following night was so good, and every time after was a new experience. Thinking back to that time, I'm sure I begged for a good number of things that were done to me. It wasn't bad at all."

"Some of it was, and that's okay to find some of those experiences arousing and know that some of the other stuff was not okay for them to have done to you, Ichi-un." Once he was fully nude Kira pulled him down again, urging him to sit. Ichigo moaned and got onto his knees, one on either side of Izuru. Ichigo shook his head, Izuru tilted his in confusion.

"It was definitely good. Half the time I can't even ejaculate unless I feel pain, and… I miss having that stuff done. I want to be tied down and fucked and told where to go and when and have that structure. Or having my insides fucked up while blindfolded and gagged." The blonde latched onto his nipple with teeth and held his hips. Though he would need to address the fact Ichigo may not be able to differentiate between the acts themselves and the events that happened during his imprisonment, Izuru would need Kisuke's aid in that manner in the future. And considering his and Shinji's relationship, they could be helpful in other areas as well. Like with what he was saying on the things he missed, Ichigo asking to be a sub or slave essentially. Kurosaki could get tips from Hirako, considering the man's disposition. And it sounded too hot just listening to him. Though he wanted to address it then, he knew he did not want to distract the youth more than he already was. Kira felt impatient while he fingered his ass open, a sense of primal need surfacing. He had his mate panting and pushing down on his fingers with hunger. "Oh, fuck, yes, fuck, mm, sometimes I even miss being led by a leash by Gin. Mm… s'good!" Kira pulled his wet fingers from that heat and pressed Ichigo downwards by his shoulder, the redhead nodded and helped guide that length into his probably too under prepped hole. It stretched and burned him, but it felt so amazing. Kira bucked up into his heat, both moaning. The blonde's mouth found his peach bud again. Ichigo moved himself over that delicious cock, letting himself sink all the way down before lifting himself up and down again on repeat. "Yes, there, yes. Oh. I miss all of it, you know? Mm. I miss being laid in bed waiting to be fucked by two gorgeous men. Waiting to. Suck their cocks to. Mm. Completion! I want that again. And I know it's fucked up to admit, but I liked some of the punishments, too. Like when I was flogged or cut or choked. I. Shit. Shit! I'm sorry. Sorry…" He had only bounced a handful of times on that beautiful erection and already he pumped hot semen over Izuru's lose Shihakushou and bare stomach, his head flung back moaning. His body just rode out the remaining orgasm while Kira fucked him. His strong arms held him upright before the position felt awkward with his lover's sudden slack once the haze overtook him. He kissed his chest and guided his body down. Izuru shifted and used both his hands to help support his lover downward onto his back. Soft kisses to his collar and chest before he spoke.

"Why're you apologizing? Ichigo, it's okay to be aroused by what you are aroused by. And you cumming from this is not a turn off for me at all." Ichigo helped a bit in his foggy state, and once Izuru was freed of the weight on his lap, he eagerly relieved himself of the yukata the rest of the way before he got onto his own knees and penetrated Ichi again. "Them hurting and threatening you with something like your families' lives was not okay, but that's different than the sexual gratification you received. Having these needs of yours is completely acceptable, and we'll address all of that next, okay?" Ichigo nodded as he squirmed at the feeling of being filled with that large beast of a dick while still so sensitive. His Hollow whined a beautifully fulfilling sound, and he felt the horns start this time. He felt so accepted, that he did not need to hide this part of himself. And his inner Hollow had been so peaceful recently.

"My, my horns are starting, again. Feels so good." Ichigo really, honestly loved this man. He would happily stay with him for as long as he accepted him into his life. He had never talked to anyone ever about this subject so honestly ever before. He only ever mentioned the physical damage and later the fear of death. That was all. The only other time it came close was that rushed and spiteful burst to Grimm the previous night, and as far as he was concerned, that was anyone ever needed to know. How could he dare tell Abarai or Ikkaku or even his father he was kept nestled in a huge, extravagant bed to be fucked nightly between two different men? And that he liked it. He liked having them take turns inside him, one after the other. How they would bite him, suck him, scrape nails on him, gag him, bind him in those cuffs and even the collar and to be led and made to be so obedient to them. All of it left a huge impression on his needs sexually and he felt he could not admit that to those he knew. Just the few things he did with Grimmjow felt a little too revealing. And that was basic, primal stuff like biting and scratching. Not even with his talons out. Speaking of which, he could feel them out again. The thought of Karin surfaced for a fleeting moment.

Ichigo looked to the man in front of him with a lustful look in his golden eyes. He just came, and already felt another ejaculation building as Kira whipped his hips into his body, that hot cock inside him deeply. Ichigo was a lot more aware this time, and he could feel his Hollow purr in delight. Eyes that were filled with lust looked up to beautifully reassuring and feral blue ones. Gods, was he insane or had he just saw a flash over those ocean blues as Hollow eyes? Impossible, Izuru was not a Visored or an Arrancar. Kira paused with a questioning look to the face Ichigo was making and just held Ichigo's hips and stared at him for a pregnant pause as his golden words searched his eyes. "Please, it's up to you if you want to continue, but.. I'm here if you do want to. I'm still listening even if I am fucking you." He chuckled softly as he reached down and took Ichigo's face in his hand, thumb softly stroking well shaven skin. Ichigo smiled and turned to kiss the tender hand. Izuru was watchful for the horns as he leaned forward and shifted his weight onto his forearms, as he pressed deeper inside Ichi. Ichigo moaned wantonly and grasped at the pale skin in front of him, talons easily sinking into the stronger male's flesh, which earned him a deep grunted moan. He felt his Hollow surface more at the deep intrusion in his ass. He cursed under his breath as he grabbed hold of Kira's back, drawing more lines over him. Kira started his pace again and took that supple skin of his lover's collar in between his teeth, head mindful of the horns there. Those golden eyes would always make Izuru go crazy with lust, there was no doubt in his mind. They were just so erotic and uniquely Ichigo. That potent scent around him did not hurt in adding fuel to his lust.

"Oh, fuck, yes, baby, s'good! I. Fuck, I was so overwhelmed in the moment I hadn't realized what was happening. I was still in this mindset I was some… hero?" He laughed though it was cut short by the hard thrusting. Another deep inhale and long moan. "Aizen dragged me there and then. He. My clothes were… Oh, mm, Aizen, he… took them off me."

"Yea? He tore them from your skin?" Kira sked between bites.

"Yes, gods, he forcibly ripped them, all the while smiling down at me." He swallowed thickly while Kira kept at his punishing pace up. Ichigo offered a small smile while his hands found Izuru's face and turned him to kiss those lips carefully but forcibly before he continued. "I.. my wrists were held by, by Gin, oh, fuck, Izu!" Kira thrust hard when his lover said that name. Ichigo was so fucking close again. What power did this absolute god have that made him cum so much, and so quickly? "I was held down by Gin, as he faced Aizen… while. Oh, shit. Shit!" The memory of that first night, combined with everything else and he came, hard, bucking up to Kira. Izuru felt the hot heat between them again and the pulsing on his cock as his lover gyrated helplessly. Izuru followed with a hard jerking of his hips. He came hard as well; this was just too hot. They were both fucked up for getting off talking about this, but they were fucked up together at least. After a long moment of feeling each other in the afterglow, Ichigo stroked Izuru's hair and upper back, and he could feel the blood from the cuts he made there. Kira hummed at the touches. Ichigo purred an unearthly hum softly before he continued. Kira noted his Hollow had slipped out completely, his voice inhuman now. "Aizen took his time that night. I screamed, and begged, and kicked. Gin was so, sooo strong, and when he." He swallowed while Izuru finally moved and sat up, his softened dick sliding out. With a pleased sound Ichigo played with his nipples and caressed himself for a moment, just basking in the moment. Izuru just stared at him, observing him. He was magnificent to watch, his horns and red tuff out again as he caressed his own skin eyeing his man. Something deep in Izuru made his chest swell with pride and he felt a protective nature stir. "When Aizen trailed downward, I didn't have the strength because it felt so… stupidly good. I came so hard when he was down there. And when he sat back to…" Ichigo looked down at nothing for a moment before he looked back up to his lover's ocean blue eyes. "When I was raped. Never had I felt so…so incredibly weak. And he knew it. Aizen enjoyed when I fought against him." Kira nodded as he rubbed at his thighs and ran his nails down his legs. Ichigo made a delighted sound as he rolled his perk nipple and ran his other hand over his lower stomach. A purr bubbled out of his throat. "Mm… I panicked and that made it easier, I suppose." Izuru was not looking at Ichigo's face right then. His eyes were on the small little pouch of fat under his belly button piercing. Something felt so… off. But so good. Kira could not put his finger on what it was he was feeling. He did not need to be looking in those golden irises. This story has been told before, just not by Ichigo. He knew their ways in the bed, how they tag teamed and surrounded your senses. Aizen's Zanpakuto made it both your living nightmare and greatest fantasy. Whichever he deemed worthy at that moment. Izuru was hardening from remembering old days and having an attractive man so close to him that understood everything he had gone through as well. Ichigo shuddered under his touches and Kira heard a snapping sound that brought his attention back to that flushed face. He was removing the horns and Izuru noted the fur around his wrists were already gone. "Gin…Gin was so much more… More…" His voice had become human again. And for some reason on a base level he was disappointed, but he still smiled softly to his lover.

"He was more gentle, tentative and caring?" Ichigo relaxed muscles he hadn't realized were tense. He looked to Izuru, and Kurosaki smiled back as he nodded. Kira got up then and went to the table which had a small hand towel. He grabbed it up and returned to wipe his lover's body down. "It was something he did well. He preferred the comfort and nurturing aspects of BDSM, such as shibari and the aftercare when he removed the ropes, so that's no wonder there."

"Well, it felt amazing. I would eagerly await the time I got to spend with him after the sex and punishments. The way I was touched and comforted after all of it…" He shuddered with the memory. It was becoming easier to talk. It was weight that had lifted from him. He finally told someone, and it felt like he had a grasp on his sanity again. He could be honest completely. He had being more honest about his sexuality as well, though he was quickly realizing exactly what he figured; pretty much everyone already knew. He didn't fear being rejected by the blonde on these intimate matters, and not by the others when it came to his sexuality. He knew he could admit it all to him, and to have said all of it in such an incredibly intimate way was so personable. Kira tossed the towel over and behind his boyfriend, and then laid down next to him. Head propped up on his right hand and his left arm draped over Ichigo, sweetly caressing him up and down. The younger man searched Kira's ocean blue eyes back and forth for a long moment. There was a wetness there in those brown eyes.

"What's wrong, sunshine..?" Kira stroked his hair away from his face. He could have Yumichika cut it tomorrow morning if he wanted to cut it. Ichigo swallowed, and Izuru could sense he felt upset.

"Ichimaru. I… I did kill him. Izu… it was me who did that. I'm so sorry." Ichigo leaned forward to bury his head under his chin and whined a small fraction, though it was an afterthought that the whine was from his Hollow side. Strange he could hear that. Izuru could feel the pain in his reiatsu as well. Ichi's soft hands slid up his marred back and just held him close. Kira inhaled at the fresh cuts being rubbed over, but it was a sweetly sting. "I… Aizen had finished with me to go take care of… something, I don't know. I guess the invasion. After a while Gin had come in in such a rush, he draped his old captain's haori over my naked, cut up body as he told me he had put the Barrera down and that the Shinigami and the rebel Arrancar were infiltrating. That I was going to get to go home…" He squeezed his lover and received a firm squeeze back. Ichigo's voice was small, and it hurt Izuru to hear that. "I was baffled and became frantic when Gin begged me to kill him. To end his life so Aizen couldn't make him close it again." A sharp intake of air, and a shuttering breath out. Pale hands stroked and soothed his back. "Gin was so scared of him, and just wanted the war to stop. He shoved Shinso in my hand and made me grasp my hands around it. His hands were so damn tight…" Kira continued to stroke and rub his taught back. He would not dare to blame him nor hate him for Ichimaru's death. Aizen had condemned Ichimaru to that fate decades ago. Ichigo had just freed him when he wanted to be freed. Kurosaki felt his lover start the broad circles on his back again. It felt nice, and comforting. He made himself focus on those warm hands. "Oh, god, moon, you should have seen those eyes. So wide and desperate and just so…" He inhaled a shaky breath. Kira felt his own jaw tighten. He needed to hear this as much as Ichigo needed to get it off his chest. He never felt proper closure in just reading the report. "He begged me while both of us were on our knees in our private room, and he just wouldn't let go of my hands. He wouldn't let me let go, no matter how much I tried to. And I told him no, again and again and…" He sucked in air again. "Gin, he placed the blade over his own throat so fast and there were just so many tears and back and forth begging happening. He was telling me to slice and kept telling him to come with me back to the Shoten and then. I. He." Kira softly shushed him. Kurosaki nodded and regained his footing. "I. He was scared he couldn't do it alone, and though I kept trying to pull it away the blade…" The blonde stroked his hair and kissed his head with tender care. He heard a soft whine before the redhead continued. "Then there was blood. So much blood all over me, all over the rug, and his beautiful body was suddenly limp, so I just held him close to me and cried and cried and… Byakuya came in and he just watched. I asked him to help, to heal him, to get someone who could heal him, but…" Izuru felt himself slipping into that space between, a coldness forming on his mind. He was not mad with Ichigo. That had been an unfair thing for Ichimaru to do to him. To have left the youth with such a heavy burden. But he was doing what came naturally and to separate his emotions from the conversation. Especially since he was seething from a certain Taichou's lack of response.

"But he could not accommodate you. His pride as a both a noble and a Taichou would not allow him to act on your requests. He also knew what you were asking for would be considered treason. So, instead he said you killed Ichimaru in self-defense. You killed one of your captures, and so no one even batted an eye at it. That was what was recorded in the official documents. There was no mention of a request for a healer or how you cried over Ichimaru-sama."

"I'm sorry, babe." Ichigo shifted under his chin and withdrew his hands to under his own chin.

"Why, love?" His pale hands kept stroking that tan shoulder and back.

"I upset you…" Kira started at that information, and realized he had in fact taken on a cool edge and the youth must have thought he was upset at him. He quickly disentangled himself and sat up while he looked down to Ichigo. Kurosaki felt incredibly exposed suddenly and looked away from those intense blues.

"What? No. No… You're fine. I'm sorry if I gave that impression. I just. I have a habit of disconnecting my emotions from subjects that bother me, and Kuchiki's lack of aid frustrates me. I'm so sorry I made you feel like you upset me. That's not the case at all, Ichigo." Ichigo dared a look up to him, his hands still tucked close to his chin. He looked so vulnerable, and that only turned the blonde on more. He could admit he was depraved at feeling aroused at the other's vulnerability. Especially when he thought about forcing him onto his stomach and taking him again. He licked his lips as he studied him and saw that slender erection between his legs, nestled under orange pubes. He knew his lover was aroused as well. So, he threw caution to the wind as he played his thoughts out and made quick work of pressing Ichigo down onto his stomach as he shoved his cock back in that cum soaked bussy. It was sudden, and made the youth yelp, but holy Hell it felt amazing. Ichigo moaned wantonly at the intrusion and forceful hands. Izuru laid all his weight through his hands on Ichigo's shoulders and set a hard and rough pace. Kurosaki tried to wiggle from under the weight, whether to just move or escape the blonde did not know, but Kira growled down over his ear and his weight shifted over him more, which earned him a delectable, submissive whine in rely. Something felt extremely satisfying in that and he continued until he came deep inside of him, Ichigo bucking back as best he could, small, adorable pants and mewls coming from his mouth. Once sated Izuru laxed his bruising grip over Ichi's shoulders, and laid over him, holding him gently. "S'ry. I had the urge to do it again. I hope that's okay?"

"Fuck, yes, it was amazing." Glad to know he had not hurt or upset his boyfriend. His dick was softened again so he lifted his hips to pull it free and shifted to roll off and lay on his back next to the Visored. Ichigo pulled his arms up and used them to rest his head on while he observed the one to his right. "You're a really calming presence, moon."

"What do you mean?" Kira gave him a sideways look and brought his arm closest to Ichigo up and ran calloused fingers over his soft, smooth cheek. He smiled to his loving man, a distant look in his brown eyes. Then up to meet the blonde's blues as he turned to his side to give him his full attention.

"I mean, I think if anyone else had done that, I would have had an episode."

"Yea?" Ichigo hummed in agreement.

"Probably." Ichigo had his eyes closed, just laid out there for Izuru to study over. His skin was blushed over and flustered from their activities. It was turning him on having such a sexy man laid completely open and unprotected next to him. Because it was his duty to protect him now. And that was more than okay with the blonde.

"Anything else you want to discuss though?" Kira sat up and looked over to his boyfriend, still stomach down.

"Mm, nothing that pressing… I know Aizen had me experimented on with the Hogyoku and whatever else. But not much else happened other than the sexual stuff most days."

"Want to take this to my room for a bit then?" Ichigo smiled and nodded at that. He followed him eager once he was up, the feel of the cum as it slid down his thighs as he followed Izuru to his room. Inside he was surprised to see a large western style bed, with a huge, wooden 'x' on the footboards. There were metal rings on each point. His boyfriend led him around to the side before he grabbed his ass and started a passionate and deep kiss with him. It would be long day spent in his bed.