Lou answered the door to see Xander standing in the snow. She sighed and leaned against the doorframe. After an entire day of ignoring his text, he still wasn't getting it. "Didn't I already tell you no," she said, crossing her arms in her favorite green, well-worn sweater.
Xander's shoulders were hunched beneath the too-thin jacket he was wearing and his hands were stuffed into the pockets of his jeans. He could hear laughing in the background and could smell honey-baked ham and sugar cookies coming from the warm house.
"You text me. You didn't say it to my face," Xander smirked.
Lou leaned forward and sternly said in her best friend's face, "No."
Lou turned away to stomp back into the lively living room, but she heard Xander follow behind her and shut the front door. She headed straight for the couch where she had previously been slouched and plopped down between her cousins.
"Hey, Xan!" Billy waved, accidentally hitting Lou in the shoulder with his elbow.
"Ow! Watch it, Billy!" Lou shouted, nudging his elbow out of the way.
"Merry Christmas, Xander!" Bobby chimed in. He waved both hands at Xander, shoving Lou closer to Billy and nearly hitting her in the face.
Lou gave an annoyed growl and shuffled around on the couch.
"It's not Christmas! It's Christmas Eve!" Billy argued at his brother, ignoring Lou and reaching across her to shove Bobby.
"Shut up!" Bobby exclaimed, shoving Lou in the process of trying to hit his brother.
"I should've sat at the table," Lou grumbled harshly as she gave a less than full force punch to both of her cousins.
"Hey, everyone! Merry Christmas!" Xander gave a good-natured nod to Billy and added, "Christmas Eve."
Xander smiled politely and waved at all of Lou's extended family members crowded in the living room. Some were in pajamas even though it was only 5 p.m. while most of them were dressed in the football jersey of their favorite team with matching sports-themed Santa hats.
Xander refocused his attention on Lou. Over the last few days, he had never seen his friend in such a sour mood. He had figured things would be weird for her coming back home after the break-up, but he knew how much she loved Christmas and had bet she would be more into the holidays and winter break than anything else. But he had bet wrong.
He needed to take a different approach. So he folded his freezing hands beneath his chin and pouted as he begged, "It won't take long! I promise!"
"No," Lou huffed as she struggled to stand up from the overcrowded couch. She adjusted the hem of her sweater as she stood and then stepped around Xander to grab a candy cane out of the bowl near the big screen tv.
"But look at my sad face," Xander said as he went to stand by the bowl. He widened his eyes. "It won't take more than an hour. Half an hour!"
Mrs. Hockhauser sat up with interest on her spot on the recliner by the Christmas tree. "What won't take long?" she asked.
"I need a lift to Emma's," Xander explained, hoping Mrs. Hockhauser could convince her daughter to take him. "Mrs. H, you know my wimpy car isn't a match for Lou's truck, especially in the snow."
"Oh, take the boy, Lou. Don't make the fella walk across town," Mr. Hockhauser said from the lawn chair he had set up in front of tv.
"I've seen Emma. I'd walk across a million towns to get to her," Bobby said with a lovesick sigh.
"Like she'd ever go for you," Billy snorted. "She's a college babe. You're probably not even gonna graduate high school."
"I'm gonna graduate! I'm smarter than you!"
"Yeah, right. Sides, girls don't like younger guys, stupid!"
Xander really wanted Lou's cousins to shut up. He was used to guys tripping over themselves over his girlfriend, Emma. She was gorgeous and sweet, so he knew it would be tiring to always be jealous. But he knew that last comment about age had hit a nerve with Lou. Her jaw had tightened and she was practically crushing the candy cane in her hand. But her eyes were so sad that it would have made his own eyes tear up if they weren't in front of her entire family.
"Well, that's just not true," Mrs. Hockhauser said, giving her daughter a sympathetic smile. "And I'm sure Xander could just borrow the truck…"
Xander was about to protest. If he borrowed the truck and went to Emma's without Lou, that would defeat the purpose of him asking Lou to drive him. But Mrs. Hockhauser held up a hand to keep him silent.
Mrs. Hockhauser continued, "...But maybe your other best friend thought maybe you'd want to see him."
Xander's shoulders relaxed and he smiled at Lou's mom. He nodded. Maybe she would be able to convince Lou to go to the Rosses after all.
"Other best friend? Emma wants her to drive over?" Billy and Bobby's mother asked from her spot at the card table.
"No, me!" Mrs. Hockhauser scoffed playfully. "But probably her too." She winked at Xander and said, "Lou will take you."
"No, I won't!" Lou argued, dusting candy cane crumbs from her hands and into the wastebasket.
"Yeah, you will," her mother said sternly. She glanced at her husband for backup. "Right, honey?"
"Listen to your mama," Mr. Hockhauser said. "And hurry up. You seen the snow? You'll get stuck over there if you want to watch the game."
"But, pa," Lou started, but he waved her off.
Lou glared at Xander. She knew what he was up to. She felt like she should just run up to her room and shut the door until it was time to head back to her university. But she knew that if she went up to her room, she'd spend the entire time staring at the gift she had been too chicken to give to the him her mother was referring to. It was a pair of mittens in his favorite shade of blue that she had knit herself. The daydreams of walking through the snow holding his warm-mittened hands would be too much for her aching heart if she ran out the living room. Besides, she knew all her nosy family members would bug her about why she wouldn't just drive her best friend to his girlfriend's house. And part of her, if she was being honest, wanted badly to see him. Even if he was her ex-boyfriend and seeing him could mean disaster.
"Fine," she said through her teeth. "I'll get my keys."
The snow seemed to get heavier the closer they got to Emma's house. Lou drove her truck slowly, but not because of the weather. She was used to her hometown's winters. She had been driving through snow even back when she only had a learner's permit. But she was not looking forward to reaching their destination. She knew that if she saw Ravi in-person, she wouldn't be strong enough not to want him back.
Ten minutes had passed since they left the Hockhauser residence. Lou shifted uncomfortably in the driver's seat when Xander turned down the music on the radio. She could feel his eyes on her as she stared out the windshield.
"So, you're really not going to talk to me the entire ride to Emma's?"
"No! You've got me like a mule chewing on bumble bees!"
"But I don't get why you're mad," Xander replied, waving his hands and shrugging his shoulders. "I'm just trying to help, Lou! If you're too stubborn to go over there yourself, then I had to find a way to get you to go."
Lou muttered and blew a breath out her nostrils, but didn't say anything else. Xander frowned as he slouched slightly in the passenger's seat. He hadn't meant to lose his cool, but he was confused. Honestly, he had been confused since Thanksgiving break, but he had let things go back then because he was so happy to see his own girlfriend after months apart.
"Look," he said gently. "I'm sorry for losing it. But I just want to know how you're doing."
"We text every day. You already know how I'm doing," she said in a curt tone.
Xander sighed. Yes, Lou talked to Xander every day. She had been doing so from the time they met in the cafeteria in fourth grade. Lou had always been a talker. Now as young adults, she talked about her freshman year classes at her university. She talked about her roommate being super into opera music and playing it at all times of day. She talked about anything and everything, except for what happened during Thanksgiving break.
"Not really," Xander replied. "And I don't understand why you're being so weird because you won't talk about it with me."
"There's nothing to talk about," Lou grumbled as she turned off the main road and onto the street that led to the fancy neighborhood where the Rosses lived.
Xander leaned his shoulder against the chilly window as he gave his friend a look. He said, "Then why did you mail Emma her Christmas present? We've all lived in the same town since they moved here three years ago. You're avoiding going over there."
"I've been busy," Lou lied. She frowned at the sound of her own voice. It always went up slightly whenever she lied to Xander.
"Not true. First of all, your voice got higher…"
"Dang it!"
"And there's no way you'd give up an opportunity to see Emma in person. You love her! I know you haven't seen her since Thanksgiving break and that was weeks ago."
Lou folded her lips. She knew Xander had a point. It was terrible going without seeing her bestie. She hadn't wanted to mail Emma and Zuri their gifts, but she knew there was no way she could face their brother.
Xander reached out and placed his hand gently on Lou's shoulder. "I just want you to be happy. And your friends make you happy. You should go see them. After all, aren't you and Ravi still friends?"
Lou's frown deepened. She wanted to punch Xander as much as she wanted to lean on his shoulder and cry. It was December and she hadn't been happy since November. All she wanted was to wrap herself up in a wool blanket and drown her sorrows in hot chocolate and snowman cookies.
"Why are you making me do this?" she asked in a quiet voice. "I offered my truck. You could've seen Emma on your own."
Lou pulled up to the largest house on the end of the road and parked in the curved driveway. Her heart sank as she looked up at the house. It was already dark out and snow was covering everything, but she could see the bright lights shining in the windows. The Ross house looked like a Christmas card and normally Lou couldn't wait to go inside. But tonight, she still had her hands on the steering wheel even after the engine was cut.
Xander let his seatbelt slide away as he shuffled to face Lou. He gave her a sincere look as he reached for her hand and squeezed it. "Look, Lou. You know I love you, right? And I totally support your decisions. We all do. And if this...weirdness...the way you're being, right now, has anything to do with you thinking we're upset with you or something, know that we aren't. When you broke up with Ravi at Thanksgiving, we all told you to do what was best for you."
Lou's eyes teared up. She whispered, "But it wasn't what's best for me."
Xander furrowed his brow. He glanced around the truck as he tried to understand her words. He let go of her hand and scratched the back of his head. "What?" He shook his head. "Now, I'm even more confused."
Lou finally let go of the steering wheel and fidgeted with the sleeve of her sweater. She tried to find the words to express how she was feeling, but for the first time ever she was speechless.
"I thought you were being all snappy cause you thought Ravi or Emma or even I were mad at you about the breakup. You know, cause we're all friends. So, I thought you just missed him and were afraid to visit him during winter break or something. You know, cause maybe you thought he was ticked off at you for dumping him," Xander explained.
"No, he's not," Lou whimpered. She wiped her face with the back of her sleeve. "I mean, I don't think he is."
"I know he's not," Xander said with a slight chuckle. "He talks about how great you are all the time." At Lou's look, he elaborated, "Ravi texts me like every day, too."
Lou felt a lump in her throat. She nodded as her eyes stung with tears. She knew Ravi liked to talk as much as she did. Even after she broke up with him on Thanksgiving, he sent her a message every day. He had even tried calling her, but she always had an excuse as to why she couldn't answer.
"What I don't understand, Lou...If you're all angry and sad about the breakup...then why did you dump him?" Xander asked.
There was a knock on the hood of the truck that caused both friends to yelp. Through the heavy falling snow, they could make out the figure waving at them cheerfully.
Lou's heart beat wildly, threatening to break her ribcage. She looked at Xander with wide eyes and pleaded, "Don't go!"
Xander's thoughts were racing. He never wanted to abandon his best friend. But things seemed to be more complicated than he had imagined. He wanted to do what was best for her, but he didn't want her to be angry with him either. So, he decided to do what he did best in tough situations.
"Got to go!" He shouted before pushing open the passenger's side door and barreling out of the truck.
Lou's jaw dropped as she watched Xander struggle in the snow before trudging as fast as he could to the front door of the Ross house. She snapped off her seatbelt and leaned across the passenger's seat to shout out the door that he had left ajar.
"Some best friend!"
She saw Xander disappear behind the front door. Snowflakes littered the inside of the truck and the warmth inside started to cool. Lou suddenly felt very aware of her wrinkled sweater and messy hair. She chanced a glance at her ex-boyfriend and immediately regretted it.
Ravi waved at her. He was bundled up in a puffy coat and earmuffs. Lou bit the inside of her cheek. He looked adorable. And happy. And both of those made her stomach feel uneasy.
"Merry Christmas, Lou," Ravi greeted her cheerily. He placed one hand on the passenger's side door as he stood in the driveway. "I'm so glad you're here! We were just about to pick a movie to watch. Come on, you can be another vote for the movie I want."
He motioned for her to get out of the truck, but she didn't move. She scooted over to the driver's side and leaned into the corner, staring out the windshield. She wished he would just leave and go back inside his house instead of looking at her with those eyes that she couldn't stop thinking about no matter how hard she tried.
"No thanks… I've got… the um…" She glanced around her truck for an excuse. She kept it fairly neat except for the occasional receipt or lip balm. "I've got to return this, uh, Chapstick," she said, lifting a used cherry-flavored tube.
Ravi raised his eyebrow at her. He gave her a small, confused smile as he politely asked, "Return used lip balm? On Christmas Eve?"
Lou felt her face heat up, so she turned away. She shrugged her shoulders, "No time like the present."
"Oh," Ravi said. His expression brightened. "I'll come with you!"
Lou didn't have a chance to stop him before he hopped into the passenger's seat and clicked on his seatbelt. He smiled at her and her heart melted. She always thought he had one of the best smiles, even before they were dating. One of her first memories of meeting him was when he smiled at her at the farmer's market. She had been working there on the weekends and sold him and his brother homemade, blueberry muffins.
"I hope you don't mind," Ravi said, interrupting her thoughts. He took off his earmuffs and looked down at them. "I haven't really gotten a chance to talk with you… or see you." He lifted his gaze and looked into her eyes. "And I miss you."
She almost blurted out that she missed him. She almost grabbed him by the collar of his puffy jacket and kissed him. She almost, but she didn't. Instead, she broke eye contact and loosely crossed her arms.
"Oh, no. I've said something wrong," Ravi said as he watched her. He frowned and gave her a worried look. He shook his head and said in a rush, "I didn't say that to imply anything! I'm not trying to get back together!" He inhaled and slowed down his words, "I mean, we're friends. So, of course I miss you, Lou…"
She waited for him to say more but he didn't. For a moment, she thought he was going to leave because he unhooked his seatbelt. But he just shrugged off his puffy coat and shoved it to the backseat.
"It's not very comfortable in confined spaces," Ravi said of his coat. He nodded toward the key in the off position and added, "And it looks like you've changed your mind about the lip balm return. I don't blame you. It's not the best weather for driving."
They both looked out the window to the snow piling around the yard and truck. The light of the streetlights and the glow from the house made the evening snow look peaceful. Lou wondered how her feelings got all jumbled up. When she broke up with Ravi on Thanksgiving, she had expected everyone to be mad at her. Emma because she was Ravi's big sister. Xander because he was Ravi's friend. And obviously, Ravi. But everyone had been so supportive of her decision. It was like the fourteen months of their relationship had never even happened. And that made her upset and snappy and reluctant to answer her friends' questions and calls. She could hardly sleep or eat. But he looked unbothered. And that bothered her.
She narrowed her eyes at him and blurted out, "Did you even love me?"
"What?" Ravi nearly shouted as his eyes widened in shock. He looked panicked as he stammered, "I mean, we, uh, never used that...particular phrase…"
"Fine! I loved you! Now answer me," Lou shouted angrily. She shook her head and turned on the truck. Warm air flowed through the vents, fighting against the chill inside. "Never mind! I should've stayed home on that tiny couch with my annoying cousins!"
"Whoa!" Ravi glared at her as he shooed her hand away from the gear shift to leave the truck in park. "You were the one that dumped me! Remember? On a holiday, Lou!"
"It's not like you cared! You're all acting like it never even happened." Her voice cracked and her eyes watered. She sniffled. "Emma shouldn't even be talking to me after breaking up with you when she warned me that things could get complicated. And Xander should be mad at me because he's your best friend and he's always taking up for you. But they're not angry at all!" She hiccupped. "And you…"
Ravi's glare melted into soft eyes gazing at the person across from him. He slowly reached for her hand, but at the last second, he flexed his fingers and decided against holding hers. He said gently, "Because they care about you, Lou. Why would Emma or Xander be mad at you for doing what's best for you? If you don't...If you don't want me anymore, we know you had a good reason. You wouldn't just hurt someone to hurt them, especially a friend."
Lou could hear the hurt in his voice. She wasn't sure how it was possible for her heart to break any more than it had over the last few weeks since Thanksgiving, but hearing his tone chipped away at the already broken pieces. All of a sudden, it was like she took a step outside of herself and saw how she was treating her friends. Being snappy with Xander. Refusing to visit Emma. Ignoring Ravi's calls. This was no way to be anytime, but especially not during her favorite time of year. Christmas was about love and goodness and giving the best parts of yourself to other people. She had thought that she was doing the right thing by breaking up with Ravi, but she hadn't been in tune with all the things that had made her the best version of herself since then. And she for sure hadn't been spreading goodness and love.
She slowly let out a breath and apologized. "I'm sorry, Ravi… I know you cared about me. And that you still care about me as a friend. I'm just so...confused."
"May I ask what went wrong? I mean, you seemed happy...with me. I was happy with you. And then you told me…" He looked lost in thought for a moment. Sadness flashed in his eyes before he blinked it away. "And we were over."
She knew it was time to tell him the truth. When they broke up, she had simply said her feelings had changed and she wanted to be friends. But her feelings hadn't changed. In fact, they had been stronger than ever. Some of her friends had thought she would break up with him when she left for college because he was still in high school. But being apart only made her love and appreciate him more. It was ironic, though, because college was what made her break up with him.
"I saw your college application portal. And I saw that you applied to the University of Eastern Ohio," Lou confessed.
Ravi shrugged and said, "I don't understand."
"Don't get me wrong. I love my school. Their education program for my major is great! But, Ravi, there's nothing for you there. You can go anywhere you want. You're smart and creative and you're one of the only people that I know that could literally be anything you want to be."
"I see." He was quiet for a moment. He opened the passenger's side door and stepped out into the cold without his earmuffs or puffy jacket. He looked her in the eye and said, "But you're wrong, Lou. I knew what was at the university for me. And what I wanted to be… was your boyfriend."
That was the reaction she was expecting, which is why she hadn't told him the truth in the first place. Lou knew that if she had just told Ravi to go to a different school, he would ignore her and pick her school so they could be together. He had always wanted a girlfriend and she didn't want that to cloud his judgement when it came to his future. That's why she had lied. She just hadn't expected to miss him this badly.
She forced her expression to stay neutral as she said, "You're seventeen, Ravi. You're not gonna feel that way forever. And I don't want to be the reason you choose the wrong school."
"Don't use the age thing on me," Ravi fussed as he got back into the truck and shut the door beside him. "You're the wakadoo being immature and breaking up with me over something as silly as the college I want to pick."
"Excuse me," Lou gasped in offense.
"Oh, you heard me," Ravi said, crossing his arms and sticking his nose in the air. "I've been crying myself to sleep for weeks thinking I wasn't good enough for you and you're just being...for lack of a better term, ridiculous."
Lou frowned and her eyes softened as she asked, "You've been crying?"
"For weeks. I mean, obvi, Lou. Again, you dumped me on Thanksgiving. How was I supposed to feel? It came out of nowhere!"
Guilt made Lou's heart sink. She couldn't fight the urge to hold his hand. She had done it so many times that it felt wrong for going so long without doing so. Quickly, she placed her hand over his. She answered honestly, "I panicked, Ravi. When I came over for that big dinner with your fam and I saw your laptop opened in your room… I saw you had applied for early admission to UEO." She took her hand away from his and immediately regretted letting it go so soon. "I didn't know what to do. I wanted what was best for you and I just thought if we weren't together that I'd be doing the right thing for you."
He stared out the windshield as snow continued to fall and asked, "If it was the right thing, then why are you so upset?"
Lou couldn't answer his question because she didn't have an answer. In the moment, her decision seemed to be what was best for him. And that's what she had wanted for him. But every moment since then had been torture. Her emotions were all out of whack. Nothing seemed as great as it had once seemed. And that was new. She had been through breakups before, but none had changed her mood so drastically.
His focus shifted from the windshield to her and she could feel his gaze on her face. It made her stomach sick with butterflies. And she was sure that that couldn't be good. So, she said in hopes of getting him to leave her sad and alone in her truck, "Shouldn't this be where you storm off after having the last word?"
Ravi snorted, "Oh, definitely not. Apparently I didn't ask enough questions at Thanksgiving. You seemed so sure of your decision. And like I said, I thought there had to be a good reason for you to break my heart. That's how much I trust you."
He no longer looked angry like he had moments ago, or confused like had looked earlier, or blissfully unaware like he had when he first hopped into her truck. He looked determined. And that was the worst look he could have given her. That was the look of someone who knew what they wanted and she knew that was bad news for her.
"It was a good reason," she said, unsure.
"Uh, no, it wasn't." He said, "And I'm going to whatever college I want to go to for whatever reason I want to go. Especially for undergrad, because honestly, where you go for grad school is way more important anyway."
She knew there was no point in arguing. Ravi Ross didn't own a carnivorous reptile or wear those dorky socks with cats on them because he was someone that listened to other people's advice when he'd already made a decision. She understood because she was the same way. Plus, this time, she wasn't sure she was right about her choice before.
"I guess, maybe, you're right," she said in a defeated and quiet tone.
She wondered if he would gloat about being right. For as long as she had known him, she usually won their arguments. But there was no amused gleam in his eyes. He wasn't even smirking at her. His expression was serious as he looked deeply into her eyes, like he was trying to figure something out.
He asked, "So, I get to ask you the same question. Do you love me?"
She knew she had used the word love in the heat of the moment earlier, but hearing him say it made her a bit tongue tied. She cleared her throat as she stammered, "I, uh, asked, 'did you love me?' Or somethin' like that. So, do you guys have cocoa in there or maybe a nice holiday tea?"
"Fine. New question. Do you love me?" Ravi asked boldly, ignoring her rambling.
They had dated fourteen months without actually saying those words. Now that they had been broken up for a few weeks, she wished she had said it sooner. She told Emma and Xander that she loved them all the time with no problem. But things had always felt different with Ravi.
"I, um, yeah," Lou said with a shy nod. "I... love you." She smiled at him. It was the first time she had smiled in a while and it made her feel lightheaded and bright and hopeful. "I love you," she said with more confidence.
Ravi beamed at her. His eyes shined with affection. He didn't give her a chance to say more before he scooted closer and kissed her.
All of Lou's angst and anger fizzled away until all that was left was pure happiness. She leaned into the kiss, but he broke away. She pouted and looked at him, betrayed.
"Then why did you send Emma and Zuri gifts, but not me? And I know you gave Xander a gift to give Luke," he scolded her in a good-natured tone. "I'm your ex-boyfriend. That should account for at least a gift card."
Lou rolled her eyes, but couldn't stop the grin on her lips. She joked, "Because you're terrible to shop for. You're so picky."
Ravi gasped. "Am not!"
"As sure as the grass is green, you are one picky fella."
"I missed hearing you say things like that," he sighed happily. He held her hand and smiled at her. "How about for Christmas, you agree to be my girlfriend again. And I promise that the next time you break up with me, I'll throw a complete fit so that you know how much I care about you. I'll even get Emma and Xander to be mean to you, if that makes you feel better."
"It would. Thank you."
Lou held tightly to Ravi's hand as she gazed into his eyes. She made a mental note to thank Xander for being such an awesome best friend and making her drive through the snow on Christmas Eve to unbreak up with her ex-boyfriend.