"So I didn't end up going to France, at least not yet. Dad losing his job meant money was tight. I was also about to finish 4th Grade. I botched my book report on Treasure Island. I didn't actually read it. I couldn't guess the name of the Pirate(It's Long John Silver by the way). I had one more test or I'd be held up. No more going to France. I studied. by god I really tried. I ended up calling up Martin and asked him for help. At first he seemed angry like the "You think I'd help you after what you did to me?" bit where you could feel the anger over the phone. Then he followed up with "Why Sure!". I breathed a sign of relief. He helped a lot but he also wanted me to teach him how to be cool and I did. Unfortunately he began to take after me, wearing clothes like mine and riding a skateboard I taught him how to use. Now I don't like people copying me. I'm one of a kind. Maybe Martin was trying to get even with me. I'd pretended to be him and now he was pretending to be. Anyway he lost interest after that. He didn't need me anymore. Now he was the cool kid as his school and he had the smarts to stay in it. I was desperate. I prayed for god for more time. Then there was a snow dar. I became a Christian after that. I owed God one. Before I was bored out of my mind in church. I studied the whole snow day. Barely failed the test but I broke down and I made an off hand comment about George Washington's surrender to the French at Fort Necessity in 1754. Krabappel was impressed and asked me some of the questions again. I answered, not really paying attention. turns out she was asking me the few questions I missed and I go a D minus. Barely a passing grade but I was elated. I ran across town on my way home shouting it and holding the piece of paper in the air,"
-Do the Bart Man: The unauthorized biography of Bart Simpson
"Dad had a hard time getting a job. So he tried a new product. Dimoxinil to cure his baldness. It was $1,000 Dollars. Dad's friend Lenny roped him into an insurance fraud scheme. We used the Nuclear Power Plant's medical insurance, which Lenny provided. The drug worked. Dad gained a full head of hair. While showing up to work to thanks Lenny, Burns noticed him and evidently didn't recognize him anymore so he was hired and began to rise in the ranks. Dad hired a secretary named Karl. He didn't want a woman out of fear of making Marge fear he was cheating on her, or actually running the risk of cheating on her. Karl was invaluable, giving Dad a makeover and tutoring him in how to act like an executive. Dad forgot his own wedding anniversary and Karl serenaded Marge with a singing telegram service of "You Are So Beautiful". At work though Homer was as stupid as ever but Burns took him seriously. One of his suggestions at an executive meeting was more tartar sauce. Smithers on the other hand had recognized Homer and tried to report him to Burns but was dismissed as being jealous. He learned about the insurance fraud but Karl took the blame. He was fired instead. Then Homer ran out of Dimoxinil. It was only one packet and I attempted to use it to grow a beard. My hormones weren't there yet. Dad made a wig of his hair when it fell out and gave a speech prepared by Karl, who really saved the day there, he gave a speech on the Japanese art of Self Management and it worked. He got to keep his job so long as he kept his wig. Burns even fired Smithers to give his job to Dad."
-Do the Bart Man: The unauthorized biography of Bart Simpson
"So it was Halloween and Lisa and I were telling scary stories. Dad came up to the tree house. He'd been trick of Treating with us but always took a portion of the candy so we'd' smuggled what we could to the treehouse. I told one about a haunted house, and then one about aliens, and Lisa wrote out loud some boring poem about a bird. The next morning Dad looked like he hadn't slept."
-Do the Bart Man: The unauthorized biography of Bart Simpson
"THREE EYED FISH DISCOVERED NEAR SPRINGFIELD NUCLEAR PLANT"
by Dave Shutton
-Springfield Shopper headline.
"The Press called the three eyed fish Blinky. I'd found it while fishing near there. Dad was working and well he wanted us to be close. This led to a government inspection of the plant. They were looking for anything that might have been stolen or anything sensitive the first time they visited but now they were on a mission. They hit the power plant with a list of 342 violation which would cost $56 Million, that about $110 Million in 2019 money. Burns was in hot water. The plant was going to be shut down. He was still listening to Homer because of his hair and it was Dad's idea that he try to run for Governor. "
-Do the Bart Man: The unauthorized biography of Bart Simpson
"The 1990 Gubernatorial election for the state of Oregon was coming up. Now the sitting Governor was Mary Bailey. She was a sweet old lady type but she made it work and it was hard not to like her. She was a democrat and had been Neil Goldschmidt in 86' for the Democratic ticket. This put her up against Norma Paulus, another sweet old lady type. It was unprecedented, either way one of them would be our first female elected to a statewide public office in the State of Oregon. Now Mister Burns thought he could challenge her. Problem was everyone hated him and loved Bailey. So he had to change his public image. He ran as a republican and actually presented the three eyed Fish in his ads along with an actor playing Charles Darwin claiming the fish was the next step in evolution and not a mutation brought about by nuclear waste."
-Moaning Lisa: The autobiography of President Lisa Simpson.
"This Fish is a Miracle of Nature with a Taste that can't be beat."
-Seymour Montgomery Burns, Burns for Governor Political Ad. Burns 90'
That was the line that doomed his whole campaign. He'd end up eating his own words. Still for now Bruns did well, he promised to lower taxes and run a pretty intense smear campaign, to the extent where it was anyone's race. Burns needed a win though. he need to appeal to the common man. When Nixon was neck and neck with Hubert Humphrey in 68' he'd gone on Laugh in and won. Burns instead decided he would have dinner at the home of a middle class family the night before the election. He chose Dad. I guess because of that hair again. The Dinner divided up. Dad wanted to support his boss but mom and I would have none of it. We were given questions we had to ask that were rehearsed and I hated it, but Mom had a plan. Now multiple three eyed fish had been discovered and Marge was the first person to actually cook one. She served it to . Everyone there but especially Burns and his advisors were horrified. He nervously took a fork and a piece, which was still moving. He moved it to his mouth and seemed to nervously chew. Then he appeared to be choking and spat out the piece. Millions of camera bulbs went off and his campaign was over."
-Moaning Lisa: The autobiography of President Lisa Simpson.
"BURNS CAN'T SWALLOW OWN STORY"
-Springfield Shopper headline.
The Power Plant was shut down. Many people lost their jobs. No one really blamed us for it. Mister Burns trashed our house in rage and pulled off Dad's wig. He seemed to recognize Dad after that. he headed towards the door. He announced that it was now war. He would make our lives a living hell. He would live up to that promise. It was unfair to Dad. He didn't know but now Burns had made the connection between him and Marge. I'd say Homer lost his job but the truth is they all did. it's hard to fire someone after something like that.
-Moaning Lisa: The autobiography of President Lisa Simpson.
Dad met Mr. Burns the next time as a Springfield Isotopes Game. the Nuclear Plant's Baseball team was pretty much all that was still standing. Made up of employees. Burns sat next to Dad and while Dad was shocked when Burns acted amiable to him. He brought several rounds of beer and they taunted the Isotopes. It was later discovered Burns was drunk, likely to drown his sorrows. The Isotopes were not a good game. They'd lost 27 in a row, which is fair because they weren't meant to be a professional team. They were extra. Just a fun activity at the Plant. Now they were being pushed into the Minor League's with the longest losing streak in professional baseball, but they had never really tried before. Baseball was mandatory and the employees didn't even try most of the time. Usually their opponents were other employees and they didn't try either. Dad got drunk and began to dance, firing up the crows to the tune of "Baby Elephant Walk". Turns out he was good luck because the Isotopes won. Dad became their team mascot. Even Burns had to give him this since he was quite popular as the team began to win game after game. he was their good luck charm. Burns then offered him a job as the Capital City Goofball, so we packed, said goodbye to our friends, and headed to Capital City. It was a disaster. Dad's performance was a disaster in from of a big city crowd, where it had worked in a small town crowed. He was booed off. Eventually he was fired and went straight back to working as the Mascot for the Springfield Isotopes. i don't think Dad noticed but it was pretty clear Burns saw him as a dance monkey, thinking that he was humiliating Homer, but Homer was quite happy being a clown.
-Moaning Lisa: The autobiography of President Lisa Simpson.
"
Dad started a feud with Flanders. It started when Flanders invited him over to his rec room for a bear. Dad was jealous of Ned, I think because compared to us he lived a much happier life. They argued and Ned kicked him out. He wrote a heartfelt letter. It made us laugh. He talked about loving Dad like a brother and the pain in his "Bosom". Anyway we met the Flanders again at Sir Putt-A-Lot's. This mini Golf Place. I played with Ned's son Todd. We got along pretty well and became friends. I have kept secret about both Rodd and Todd. Our Dad's seem to hate each other and Dad wanted me to hate Todd too. We'd entered a minigolf competition. I practiced with Lisa. Our Dad's made a bet about whoever's kid didn't win would have to mow the other person's lawn while wearing a dress. We played and we tied. We split the prize money. Homer insisted they'd both had to do it. People who knew about it came to laugh. Homer was no stranger to embarrassing himself but he hoped Ned would be embarrassed too. Turns out that didn't happen. Ned had to wear a dress before for his college fraternity. So Ned liked wearing women's clothing...that's funny in hindsight."
-Do the Bart Man: The unauthorized biography of Bart Simpson
"I ruined Thanksgiving. Lisa made this really nice centerpiece. All our grandparents came over. I argued while holding it and ended up throwing it into the fire. i didn't apologize. I was stubborn. I went out with Santa's Little Helper. Stole a pie from . I even gave blood using Dad's ID. of course, living out there was tricky. I got interviewed on TV while I was there and I guess my family noticed me. I came home, found Lisa crying on the roof because she missed me. The image of all those homeless people in the breadline really stuck in mind. I was lucky. "
-Do the Bart Man: The unauthorized biography of Bart Simpson
"We went to a monster Truck Rally to see Truckasaurus. It was amazing, but there was this Daredevil, Lance Murdock. He did this crazy stunt where he jumped over a shark tank filled with all sorts of things. I tried to imitate him by jumping over the car. It didn't work and my parents tried to talk me out of it. showed me a ward full of kids who got hurt trying to do dangerous stunts. it didn't stop me. I actually met Murdock. I suppose my parents thought he'd tell me about how dangerous it is but instead he encouraged it. I decided I'd jump Springfield Gorge on my Skateboard. I set a date. Nothing my parents tried to do to stop me tried to stop me, saying he'd do it himself. I stopped it. Someone else risking their life for me was not something I wanted to see. It all seemed well until Homer was on the skateboard. He began to slide backwards. He didn't get off in time. I think he was too scared. he slid and went over the edge. He seemed to soar. I was in surprise and awe but then I saw the Skateboard begin to get low, too low. He was not going to make it. He hit the rock, several rocks and began to fall, he was caught on a branch, which eventually snapped. He could have died it was miracle he didn't but hw was essentially cripple. He needed a wheelchair and later a cane to walk. He was airlifted out of there and rushed to the hospital. I was so horrified I decided I wouldn't try something like that again."
-Do the Bart Man: The unauthorized biography of Bart Simpson
"Mom noticed Maggie betting more aggressive, attacking me and Bart with a mallet. Dad was in the hospital still. Marge found out why. The Itchy & Scratchy Show. Acquitted or not the Krusty the Clown show had been cancelled. Sideshow Mel didn't have the same appeal as a host, though he actually worked as a serious actor. The problem is his original character, as introduced on some early Krusty the Clown show episodes, communicated via slide whistle and that didn't exactly work. Hearing his voice was weird now. So it was decided to give the money to the animators and turn The Itchy & Scratchy Show into its own half hour show instead. Well now that idea was about to be nixed as well. Marge wrote to Chairman Roger Meyers Jr but got a dismissive reply, so she formed a protest group named it SNUH(Springfieldians for Nonviolence, Understanding and Helping), and it took off. They picketed the Itchy & Scratchy Show, which was already on thin ice for its violence and just needed a push to fall. The format was changed completely and violence removed. The new show was hated. The idea to make the characters babies was thrown out there, but overall it was Marge's actions that led to the show's cancellation. Then Michelangelo's David was coming to the Springfied. Everyone expected Mom to protest it but she actually loved the work and now had to defend her case of artistic freedom. She began to change her mind about censorship since she realized the hypocrisy to censor Itchy & Scratchy but not David. Still the movement had started and she was now the head of SNUH. She decided to keep her role. Both because she could regulate things as the movement's leader and because we needed the money. Dad's hospital bills were expensive and he couldn't work in his condition. In hindsight I think that's where I got my start in politics, by being a part of SNUH alongside my mom. She was my hero. I'd seen her thwart a run for Governor by a corrupt businessman. How many people can say their mom did something like that."
-Moaning Lisa: The autobiography of President Lisa Simpson.
" I got hit by Burns's car. I'm not sure if it was intentional or not. When I got hit I had a near death experience and I saw the devil. He said I wasn't due to die until the Yankees win the World Series. I woke up. I'd be terrified whenever the Yankees got close and well I'd be terrified when they actually won but that's a story for another time. Attorney Lionel Hutz suggested that we sue . Hutz had successfully sued The Neverending Story(not because it didn't end as is the common urban legend in Law but he actually represented the author of the book, apparently they lied to him about many parts of the adaptation and he sued with Hutz as his lawyer. Youd have to ask Lisa for the law stuff but the point is there was supposed to be a part II adapting the rest of the story. The movie we got was only half the book. The Second half is much darker and turning out the first half of the book completely misrepresented the film. Hutz won and he's proud of it. So this year we got a Sequel to The Neverending Story, a little late but by the same Director. Hutz was sure we could win. Burns offered $100 dollars but it wasn't enough to cover my medical bills. Hutz promised a settlement of $1 Million if I lied about how badly I got hurt. He took me to a doctor, Nick Riviera, who made the injuries "Convincing". Marge didn't approve of this and Homer was still recovering himself so he didn't have a say. Now I'd been at court before, I got Krusty out of trouble so I went up there and exaggerated a bit but told the truth. Burns invited momto his house to talk and offered her $500,000 in settlement. Mom agreed and that was the end of that. I was mad at mom for that. We could have gotten more money but Lisa thought she did the right thing."
-Do the Bart Man: The unauthorized biography of Bart Simpson
"Dad was out of the Hospital. We celebrated by going to a Sushi restaurant. Unfortunately Dad ordered fugu, which could be dangerously if not made correctly. The chef was out and so an apprentice had to prepare the meal with no certainty if he could get it right. The waiter, Akira, told him the news that Dad may have been poisoned. He didn't tell us but we spent the day doing everything on his bucket list. We had to wheelchair him around and I was suspicious as to why he was putting such an effort and doing so much. He told em everything, listened to Lisa play her saxophone and told her that he though she would be a great musician one day. He also recorded a video of himself for Maggie when she was older. Maggie was 3 now, born in 1987 and he was afraid she would forget. Homer also patched things up with his father Abe. He then did some other things like let the cops arrest him until Barney posted bail. He insulted Mr. Burns to his face and had a final drink at Moe's tavern with his friends. He then went home, we had Dinner, he had a snuggle with mom and then some time in the night went downstairs and fell asleep in a chair.I was woken up by Mom screaming that he was alive. He'd dozed off but he had survived the poison. It was only after that we learned that we could have lost him. After that day he was never the same. The Near death experience changes someone. I knew that personally."
-Do the Bart Man: The unauthorized biography of Bart Simpson