It was strange to think life went on after what happened. I suppose we needed to think life could be normal again after that. Like the world wasn't crazy now and there could be another kid in the family. Dad hoped Burns would be found guilty at the trial. We were all hoping for Justice for Herb, but we all knew it would be awhile before we got it. I suppose that's life. Everything's normal and then when you least expect it something horrible or surprising happens."
I tried to get closer to Dad after he came back. I realized that I didn't share any interests with him. Mom said I should try to get into something he liked, so i watched Football with him. I picked a winner, the Miami Dolphins and Dad made a bet. I was right. Turns out I was great at picking winning teams so Sunday became Daddy-Daughter Day. It went on for eight weeks and Dad got a lot of money. Dad began to buy a lot of expensive Gifts and meals. I realized though that Dad only liked me because I was making him money. I gave away all the toy he bought me with his money and I agreed tell him who would win the Superbowl. Instead I told him if I still loved him, Washington would win, and if I didn't Buffalo would win. Washington won at the last second. He went hiking with me. I heard that mom and Bart had a day too but it didn't go as well as our time did. Since then I've correctly predicted every Superbowl outcome, of course I waited until the last moment to bet when I was older and would do so anonymously, but it mean't that the family was always doing well financially.
-Moaning Lisa: The autobiography of President Lisa Simpson.
"It was my 10th birthday. April 1st 1992 and we went to Wall 's. I got some bad gifts, a cactus, a label maker, and a new suit. Then I got a Microphone that let me put my voice over radio. I found a way to use it to pull pranks. I tricked Rod and Todd into thinking they were hearing the voice of God, overheard Lisa and Janey talking and convinced Dad Martians were invading. Then I got an idea to lower a radio down a well using the microphone. I pretended to be an orphan named Timmy O'Toole trapped in a well. It got out of hand."
-Do the Bart Man: The unauthorized biography of Bart Simpson
"I wanted to do something to help so I called my friend, Sting. He said "When do you need me?" I said, "Thursday." He said, "I'm busy." I said, "Friday?" He said... "Friday's worse that Thursday." Then he said, "How about Saturday?" I said, "Fine." True story."
-Krusty the Clown on Channel Six News.
"Yeah. I used to open for Krusty in '69. In fact, he fired me, as I recall. "
(Krusty laughed nervously).
"Oh, Sting."
" But this isn't about show business. This is about some kid down a hole... or something. We've gotta do what we can."
-Studio interview with Krusty and Sting.
Sting:
There's a hole in my heart as deep as a well
For that poor little boyWho's stuck halfway to Hell.
Sideshow Mel:
Though we can't get him out
We'll do the next best thing.
Rainier Wolfcastle:
We go on TV and sing, sing, siiing!
Chorus:
And we're sending our love down the well!
Krusty:
All the way dooown!
Chorus:
We're sending our love down the well!
Krusty:
Down that well!
-Sendin' Our Love down the Well. Sung by Bleeding Gums Murphy, The Capital City Goofball, Mayor Joe Quimby, Krusty the Clown, Lance Murdock, Marvin Monroe, Princess Kashmir, Rainier Wolfcastle, Scott Christian, sideshow Mel, Stephanie Brockman, Sting and Troy McClure.
"I realized I left my radio down in the well with a big "Property of Bart Simpson" and so I went down in the well to grab it but I got caught. Two cops found the rope. I heard them shout at me. I panicked, saying I was trying to rescue Timmy O'Toole and they helped. None of the adults could fit down there and they weren't thinking of sending a kid. I came up holding a radio. I admitted there was no Timmy O'Toole. they were pretty mad and took my home. The news came that there was no Timmy O'Toole and well the town was pretty mad. I was unpopular now. I heard they sealed up that well."
-Do the Bart Man: The unauthorized biography of Bart Simpson.
"Mom finally snapped. All the stress finally got to her and she blocked traffic with her car until Dad went to calm her down. She was arrested but a lot of women sympathized with her so he was eventually released. Still it was clear she needed a vacation and she would take a trip to a health Spa, Rancho Relaxo. Bart and I went to stay with Patty and Selma. It was not good. They snored. All they watched was MacGyver and Divorce Court and they only ate and drank three things, Beef Tongues, Clamato and . Maggie was five now but she was still a handful for Dad and she even went missing, but fortunately she was found before mom came back."
-Moaning Lisa: The autobiography of President Lisa Simpson.
" A group of yo-yo performers came to school and performed. The Whole class was excited and began practicing with yo-yo's. I got good, then I accidentally broke the class Fish tank and got detention. While there I found out my 4th grade teacher Edna Krabappel had put out a personal ad. I decided to pull a prank and created a fake alter ego called Woodrow, After Woodrow Wilson. Edna sent me a photograph and when she asked for a picture, I sent her one of Gordie Howe. Thankfully she didn't catch on. I started to feel bad when I saw her at a restaurant alone. At first I laughed but then I realized how sad it was. I told my family about the letters and Lisa suggested I write one more letter saying I was leaving. It worked. She felt better after getting a letter that Woodrow couldn't meet her. Edna eventually did learn about Gordie Howe and actually spread the rumor that she was in love with him. Also Dad built a new house for Santa's Little Helper from the money from a bet he made with Flanders. Dad couldn't stop swearing, which was his part of the deal but the swear jar he made filled up fast. He also convinced Flanders to shave his moustache. He actually like it that way and kept it."
-Do the Bart Man: The unauthorized biography of Bart Simpson.
The Springfield Nuclear Power Plant's Baseball team, the Springfield Isotopes, remained active but there were talks of shutting the whole thing down. They had a record of just 2 wins and 28 losses, but then one night a bolt of lightning struck the Tree in the backyard. A branch smoldering branch fell. Dad took that branch and fashioned it into a baseball bat. That bat must have been lucky because the team began to win and earned a spot in the championship against the Shelbyville Nuclear Power Plant baseball teams. Then came back, his bail had been paid. Most of the team threatened to quit but he insisted on speaking to them in private. It later turned out he had hired a hypnotist, and the next thing we knew Dad was playing on the team again. He was away while playing which means, we weren't aware of what was going on with him and the rest. I heard Burns made a bet with the owner of the Shelbyville plant, Aristotle Amadopolis and wanted a winning team. Smithers would later say he wanted Cap Anson, Pie Traynor, Jim Creighton, Gabby Street, Nap Lajoie, Harry Hooper, Honus Wagner, Shoeless Joe Jackson and Mordecai "Three Finger" Brown. Problem was all of them were dead so Smithers instead hirednine Major League Baseball players: Steve Seax, Wade Boggs, Ozzie Smith, Roger Clemens, Don Mattingly, Darryl Strawberry, Ken Griffey Jr, José Canseco, and Mike Scioscia .He gave them all jobs at the power plant so they could perform. Dad triumphantly went up to the plate, thinking he was fine because he has wonder bat. Then Clemens threw a Fast Ball that exploded the bat in half.
The night before the big game against Shelbyville, all the players had different unfortunate incidents except for Strawberry and Canseco. Steve Sax was arrested by the police on trumped up charges of unsolved murders, evidently Shelbyville had arranged the bogus claim to keep him out and he was later freed. Mike Sciosia contacted radiation poisoning and dropped out due to his health. Griffey had become addicted to a nerve tonic and developed gigantism, both would retire for health reasons. Wade Boggs got into a bar fight a Moe's taven over a diagreement over who the great British Prime Minister was. Boggs's choice was Pitt the Elder while Barney's was Lord Palmerston. Burns kicked Mattingly off the team after e refused to trim his "Sideburns", Clemens was hypnotized into believing he was a chicken, and Ozzie Smith vanished off the face of the Earth after visiting the Springfield Mystery Spot. Which is either a place where there's a hole in space and time or a place where the fumes cause people to hallucinate. The place shut down after Smith went missing there. His disappearance remains an unsolved mystery. With his star players missing, Burns had to put back in the Plant players and well...Dad went up to bat. Burns distracted Dad with some gestures, trying to signal him to what strategies to use. Homer snapped back to attention and dived for the ball. It clocked him in the head. Knocking him out but winning the match. Dad was a hero, though Boggs, Sax, Strawberry and Canseco quit after Sciosia and Griffey's health problems came to light and sued Burns. Meaning that the event was Dad's last victory in Baseball for a while. The blow to the head caused Homer to snap out of his hypnosis.
-Moaning Lisa: The autobiography of President Lisa Simpson.
We took a career aptitude test at school. It said I was best suited to be a homemaker and that Bart was a Cop. He befriended the Cops who helped pull him up from the well. They took him on a police ride-along where he helped catch a criminal called Snake. He also helped the police break apart the Mafia's base of operations since he knew information on their hideouts from working for them. Skinner made him Hall Monitor and he actually did really well, restoring order to the school with his authority. He was now Class President and Hall Monitor. I rebelled a bit. I stole all the teacher's editions textbooks and embarrassed them when they couldn't teach without them. Bart found out I did it but he took the blame and so he got his bad boy reputation back but lost his position as Hall Monitor and Class President. He was back to square one, but he still wanted to be cop when he was older. I decided I wouldn't go down Bart's old path since it got him in trouble."
-Moaning Lisa: The autobiography of President Lisa Simpson.
Lottery Fever came to Springfield when the jackpot was 130 Million dollars. We didn't notice Santa's Little Helper was sick until after Kent Brockman won the lottery and retired from the News. We rushed him to the hospital. He had a twisted stomach and needed a 750 Dollar operation. Fortunately the family could afford it thanks to their old jobs and money made from Lisa and dad's betting. Then sometime later, Santa's Little Helper went missing. We looked everywhere for him but found no sign of him."
-Do the Bart Man: The unauthorized biography of Bart Simpson.
To get our minds off Santa's Little Helper, we went to see a movie. Lisa and I saw Space Mutants VI. They were up to making one every year now. IV in 90', V in 91'. Other movies that were out were I'll Fry Your Face III, The Smell in Room 19, Homey I hit a School Bus(The Sequel toHoney I Shrunk the Kids where Rick Moranis shrinks a school bus full of kids and accidentally swallows it Magic School Bus style), Look Who's Oinking?(A Sequel to Look Who's Talking? about Talking Pigs or something), and Ernest vs the Pope. One of the Ernest Movies). Mom and Dad saw a movie called the Stockholm Affair. I don't know what happened but Dad dropped us off at home and then drove off. Next thing we know he'd ended up being the manager for a country singer named Lurleen. Lurleen's songs were instant hits on local radio stations. Mom was worried Dad was gonna end up cheating on her. I don't think he ever did and he was just he manager but Lurleen did sing a song called "Bagged me a Homer". Lurleen was on this country western TV Show called Ya-Hoo! After a while, Dad sold Lurleen's contract and went back to mom. We stayed good friends with Lurleen as she tours.
-Do the Bart Man: The unauthorized biography of Bart Simpson.
I admit It was weird to think of Aunt Selma marrying my arch enemy, but he Skinner's not a bad guy. Turns out Skinner's not his real name, he and his mother changed it when they were young. Apparently he was Armin Tanzarian until Vietnam. Skinner had mellowed out after he fell in love, and in a weird way I was different person now too. I didn't pull as many pranks anymore after the O'Toole incident and I really wanted to be a policeman. I also did an amazing Job as Hall Monitor and Class President even though I lost both positions. I also learned that Selma had a "Prison Pen pal" and get this. It was Sideshow Bob. Yeah I still didn't trust him but he'd just gotten out of prison and he made up with Krusty on live TV during a telethon so it seemed all was forgiven. Anyway Selma and Skinner married and so she became Selma Skinner, or Selma Tanzarian. They sent us a honeymoon video and well I noticed something weird. I didn't know what at first.
Then that night something broke into my house. I went down and found it was Santa's Little Helper. I smiled at seeing him again but then he growled at me and charged. I ran like crazy. Something was wrong with him. He almost tore my throat out until Dad came down and grabbed him, and strike him with a vase. He was knocked out with a whelp of pain. We called animal control. They were going to put down the dog but all of us protested and so he was sent to an animal Shelter. Apparently he'd been trained as some kind of attack dog and also trained to hate all of us, namely me. When he saw us he would try to attack. Someone had taken my dog and trained him to hate us. To hate me. Maybe even try to kill me.
I wondered why. Then I looked at the Honeymoon video again. There was a man. He seemed to work at the hotel room but I though I saw him open a gas valve. He turned for a moment to the video and then turned sharply away and pulled his hat down as if hiding his face. I realized it was Sideshow Bob. I told Dad, and then we told Mom and headed over there. The phone lines had been cut. I assume by Bob. I had figured out what Bob was planning, the room was filled with gas. If Selma lit a cigarette the whole thing would explode. I ran in and stopped Selma just in time. She always smokes after and only after watching MacGyver, well that and meals, so we knew that Selma had an hour to live. Then we realized something, if there was no explosion, Bob would realize his plan failed. So we came up with the plan of throwing a cigarette and running. The explosion went off. Bob entered the room looking around as if panicking, looking for Selma, that is when the police arrived. He arrived earlier than I expected. I think he was waiting. I would find out later that his plan was that if no explosion went off after a while his intent was to throw a cigarette into the room to set off the blast, hoping to kill us all if we stopped Selma, which we did but we had decided to set the explosion off to trick him. Bob was arrested by the police. He denied knowing anything about Santa's Little Helper and was apparently hired to carry out the hit by someone but wouldn't say who.
-Do the Bart Man: The unauthorized biography of Bart Simpson.
"Milhouse and I went to a Spinal Tap concert, which broke out into a riot after the band played for only 20 minutes because the laster light show malfunctioned. I still wanted to be a police man but Rock Guitarist was up there. Mom and Dad bought me an electric guitar but I could barely play it, ending those dreams. Then I gave it to my Bus Driver Otto Mann. Otto was also a fan of rock and played a performance of Free Bird that made us late for school. Otto rushed it and crashed right into the statue of Jebediah Springfield. I was no longer the kid that decapitated the statue, not that anybody knew that. Most of the blame went to Otto now. Turns out Otto didn't have a driver's license. He was old friends with Skinner and so just got hired for the job. Skinner drove the bus himself. Otto failed his driving test and got evicted when he couldn't pay his rent. He stayed at our house for a bit, the first of many Springfield residents to do so. That didn't last he got himself kicked out. Mom and I encouraged him to get his license. Patty was the driving Instructor and would have just failed him again until She learned he was trying to prove Dad wrong. After that she passed him. Otto made Patty laugh talking about Dad and she bought him margaritas. Otto got a license, though it was probationary. Skinner went back to being the Principal."
-Do the Bart Man: The unauthorized biography of Bart Simpson.
" Milhouse got a Magic 8 Ball. I asked if we'd still be friends by the end of the day. It said no. That day we had a new girl from Phoenix, Samantha Stanky. Milhouse had the hot for her and they started dating. All they ever did was hug and kiss.I was jealous, so I told Samantha's father. sent Samantha to Saint Sebastian's School for Wicked Girls, a convent school run by French-Canadian nuns. I felt bad about it after how sad Milhouse seemed. I told him and we got into a fight. I smashed the 8 ball over his head. After that we calmed down and went to see her. She kissed Milhouse one last time."
-Do the Bart Man: The unauthorized biography of Bart Simpson."
"We ordered a subliminal weight Loss tape. They sent us the wrong one. One for Vocabulary. Dad's vocabulary actually improved since he fell asleep while listening to it."
-Moaning Lisa: The autobiography of President Lisa Simpson.
"Dad found out from Doctor Hibbert that he was sterile from the exposure to radiation at the Nuclear Power Plant. It had apparently happened during his time on the Baseball team. He was given a 2,000 Dollar compensation from Burns's estate and a ceremony hosted by Joe Frazier. It didn't change the fact that the child that would soon be born would be the last one Mom and Dad would have. The baby was finally born. It was a boy. Mom and Dad named him Herb. "
-Moaning Lisa: The autobiography of President Lisa Simpson.