"Now Mister Burns was in police custody. They were still going through the number of crime he'd committed. The EPA discovered he'd been nuclear waste In Springfield Park and we got a compensation for 3 Million Dollars. So he held a town hall to try and decide what to do with that. Mom suggested investing it in fixing Main Street and she won everyone over until Lyle Lanley came in. He pitched the idea of a Monorail and he did it in song. It seemed he had the performance set. He'd even got some people in the crowd to sing with him. It was later discovered he approached them in secret earlier and paid them. The Whole thing was recorded."
-Moaning Lisa, the Autobiography of President Lisa Simpson
Lyle Lanley:
You know, a town with money's a little like the mule with the spinning wheel.
No one knows how he got it and danged if he knows how to use it.
Homer:
Heh-heh, mule.
Lyle Lanley:
The name's Lanley, Lyle Lanley. And I come before you good people tonight with an idea. Probably the greatest—Aw, it's not for you. It's more a Shelbyville idea.
He waited for a response but none came.
Lyle Lanley:
All right. I'll tell you what I'll do. I'll showyou my idea. I give you the Springfield Monorail!
Everyone began to talk amongst themselves. Lanley unveiled a map with three locations highlighted.
I've sold monorails to Brockway, Ogdenville, and North Haverbrook, and, by gum, it put themon the map! Well, sir, there's nothin' on Earth like a genuine bona-fide electrified six-car monorail! What'd I say?
Ned Flanders:
Monorail!
Lyle Lanley:
What's it called?
Patty and Selma Bouvier:
Monorail.
Lyle Lanley:
That's right!Monorail!
Everyone began chanting the word. "Monorail...monorail...monorail... "
Miss Hoover:
I hear those things are awfully loud.
Lyle Lanley:
It glides as softly as a cloud.
Apu:
Is there a chance the track could bend?
Lyle Lanley:
Not on your life, my Hindu friend.
Barney Gumble:
What about us brain-dead slobs?
Lyle Lanley:
You'll be given cushy jobs.
Grampa Simpson:
Were you sent here by the devil?
Lyle Lanley:
No, good sir, I'm on the level.
Chief Wiggum:
The ring came off my pudding can!
Lyle Lanley:
Take my pen knife, my good man. I swear, it's Springfield's only choice!Throw up your hands and raise your voice!
" Monorail...!"
Lyle Lanley:
What's it called?
"Monorail...!"
"Once again!"
"MONORAIL!"
Mom tried to step up.
Marge:
But Main Street's still all cracked and broken!?
Bart:
Sorry, Mom, the mob has spoken!
"Monorail...Monorail!MONORAIL!MONORAIL!"
One last singer trailer behind once they finished.
"Mono...D'oh!"
Footage from the Town Hall used in Monorail Court Case.
Mom and I began to pick up on some odd things about the training Program. Dad was hired as the Conductor, which was weird because while he'd done many things, Monorail Conductor was not one of them. Mom went to the Office and caught him ready to leave. She did some investigating and went to North Haverbrook. The Map Lyle had shown was off to where the places actually where. He probably made them look further apart on purpose to make it look like He'd done business all over the country when the places where actually pretty close. Brockway was in South Carolina, but Ogdenville and North Haverbrook were close. Mom drove to North Haverbrook and the townspeople told her what had happened. Lyle Lanley had promised the town a Monorail. Sebastian Cobb, a railroad engineer, discovered Lanley was building it with cheap material, meaning it would collapse. Cobb was ignored until the Lanley left and the Monorail crashed. Gallagher had been the celebrity on the Maiden Voyage and was killed in the Monorail collision. Cobb and Marge headed to warn Springfield before the Monorail was launched. Celebrities, Lurleen Lumpkin, Leonard Nimoy and Krusty were among the celebrities present on the Inaugural voyage of the Springfield Monorail. Lanley had made a run for it but Mom called the Airport. They contacted the pilots and said they could land the plane somewhere on their route. By Coincidence, North Haverbrook was nearby and the Airport, Pilots and Mom all agreed that the plane should land there. Cobb called everyone he could in North Haverbrook and informed them Lanley would be there. An Angry moved form and stormed the runway. Authorities escorted Lanley out but the mob descended on him. He was torn to pieces by the mob. A Local Museum includes his hat soaked in blood and pieces of his clothes as well as the Monorail. The town recovered from that incident after the investigation and repairs were made.
-Moaning Lisa, the Autobiography of President Lisa Simpson
The Monorail left the station before Mom and Cobb could arrive but Cobb was able to get on a speaker and guide Dad through stopping it. Chief Wiggum took charge of the Situation. Dad needed to find an anchor according to Cobb. Dad found the train was from the 1964 World's Fair. It was old, that was the problem, and also what helped. The M on the word Monorail was falling off. Dad was able to pry it off. He almost lost it from speed, but pulled it in. Dad tied it around a rope and hurled it at the giant Lard Lad Donut Sign. It hooked around and pulled. The Monorail was solar powered. It wasn't in 1964, it had been automatically controlled but had now been replaced. Then there was a Solar Eclipse. There shouldn't have been one until next Year, but there it was.
-Moaning Lisa, the Autobiography of President Lisa Simpson
"A Solar Eclipse. The Cosmic Ballad goes on."
-Leonard Nimoy
The Monorail started to slow down. Dad's rope snapped, fortunately, Cobb was able to guide Dad through the process of slowing down after the Eclipse occurred and we all got everyone off and cut the power..
" Well, my work is done here."
"What do you mean, Your work is done? You didn't do anything."
"Didn't I?"
(Barney then reportedly claimed to see Leonard Nimoy disappear in an effect similar to the Transporter from Star Trek. Though he was possibly drunk at the time).
"And that was the only folly the people of Springfield ever embarked upon... except for the Popsicle stick skyscraper... and the 50-foot magnifying glass...and that escalator to nowhere."
-Marge Simpson during an interview commemorating the event.
Duff Gardens opened, Dad, bart and I wanted to go but Mom told us that Great Aunt Gladys had died and we ended up going to her funeral. We drove to Littleneck Falls with Patty, Selma and Skinner. She left a video telling Patty and Selma not to die alone. Patty didn't care but Selma did. She told Skinner she wanted a kid, but he wasn't sure he was ready for that. I suggested she try artificial insemination. Dad got sick after eating a spoiled sandwich and had to stay home with mom. Selma and Skinner took us to Duff Gardens. Bart dared me to drink the water and well i did. I started hallucinating. I thought I was the Lizard Queen. They found me swimming naked in the fermentarium. I think we scared Aunt Selma away from having kids. Instead she adopted Gladys's pet Iguana, Jub-Jub.
-Moaning Lisa, the Autobiography of President Lisa Simpson
"Dad forgot to pick me up from Soccer Practice. What surprised me is I tried reaching out to him and I didn't get anything but Milhouse's parents found him writing "Trab pu kcip" on his wall and asked me about it. Milhouse couldn't remember writing it. Both of us started freaking out. Did I have psychic powers? Awesome! I could use fight crime! Or make people do whatever I wanted. Maybe that dream I had about controlling the town was on a subconscious level? Unfortunately they seemed to only work on Milhouse and he always got it backwards...Literally. Milhouse found kind of uncomfortable and well we'd fought before and I didn't want to fight with him again. It took me some time before I found out the truth...I had the Shining."
Anyway, I was angry at Dad. I saw a commercial for a mentor program called The Bigger Brothers, which would have given me a real role model. I pretended to be a young boy who's dad was a drunk gambler. Now I wasn't exactly famous yet. I'd returned the head of Jebediah Springfield, had my involvement with the Timmy O' Toole covered up thanks to the Police. So I wasn't really famous, well except for in France and when I exposed Sideshow Bob, but I guess I got lucky because I got paired up with a Bigger Brother, a military test pilot named Tom, who didn't really have time to watch TV. Now I had a lot of after school activities, but I started skipping my Martial Arts classes to hang out with him. I started feeling bad since I was taking up Tom's time and some poor kid needed him more than I did. Dad found out what I was doing and we argued about it. Dad ended up joining it and he got a poor boy named Pepi. After that it was obvious what we were doing to the rest of the family and they seemed to go along with it. Dad actually got along really well with Pepi and so did the family. Then Bigger Brothers had a Special Day at Marine World and we all went. Tom met Dad and, because I'd made Dad out to be a Bad man, Tom got into a fight with him. Dad actually threw Starfish and he still lost. He was sent to the hospital after he was thrown onto a fire hydrant, something way more painful for him because of his injuries from Springfield Gorge. I saw Tom and Pepi said that they'd lose me and Dad but I talked Tom into being Pepi's big brother. I felt bad because it was my fault Dad got hurt. I'd never seen him fight like that before.
-Do the Bart Man: The unauthorized biography of Bart Simpson
"I...got addicted to Corey Hotline...I got obsessed with it and kept making calls. I had to go until midnight without calling the hotline. I did it. I beat my addiction. Not one of my proudest moments."
-Moaning Lisa, the Autobiography of President Lisa Simpson
"It was Valentine's Day, February 11 1993. Ralph and I were close in age. I saw him crying because no one gave him a Valentine's Daycard. I took pity on him and gave him a card. "I Choo-Choo-Choose you" with a picture of a train. He fell in love with me and walked with me to school. I didn't know how to tell him I wasn't interested. Ralph got me tickets to Krusty's 29th Anniversary Special. We also got parts as George Washington and Marta Washington. in the President's Day Pageant on February 15th. I thought the Krusty show would go well but then Krusty interviews us. I think he recognized me in the audience as the sister of the kid who cleared his name. Ralph said he loved me and was going to marry me. I snapped and yelled at him, telling him the truth. That I gave him a Valentine's Day Card because I felt sorry for him. Ralph suddenly grabbed his chest and jolted forward. He collapsed and was sent to a hospital. He was fine in a few days but apparently he'd had a mini heart attack. I felt awful. Ralph seemed fine but acted differently after that. He returned to play Washington in the President's Day play. I saw him burn the card I gave him in the fire.
-Moaning Lisa, the Autobiography of President Lisa Simpson
Seymour Skinner:
Good evening, everyone, and welcome to a wonderful evening of theater and picking up after yourselves.
We begin with a tribute to our lesser-known Presidents.
(drum roll, a bugle plays "Hail to the Chief")
Children:
" We are the mediocre Presidents.
You won't find our faces on dollars or on cents.
There's Taylor, there's Tyler, there's Fillmore and there's Hayes,
There's William Henry Harrison."
Harrison:
I died in thirty days!
Children:
We...Are...The...Adequate, forgettable,
Occasionally regrettable
Caretaker Presidents of the U.S.A.!
(bugle plays "Hail to the Chief," trombone plays "Shave and a Haircut," tuba plays "Two bits")
-President's Day Play Script.
"I played John Wilkes Booth in the School Play. I took some Liberties with the role...I was more on Lee Harvey Oswald than John Wilkes Booth with a fake Sniper Rifle and "Hasta La Vista, Abe"...None of the staff knew I was going to do that. I'd gone along with the script during rehearsals."
-Do the Bart Man: The unauthorized biography of Bart Simpson
"Ralph gave an amazing performance as George Washington. I didn't think he had it in him. Afterwards I gave him a different card. "Let's 'Bee' Friends", and he agreed."
-Moaning Lisa, the Autobiography of President Lisa Simpson
"There was a Science Fair coming up and I was excited to show off my giant Steroid-enhanced tomato. I gave it to bart for a bit. he couldn't resist hitting Skinner with it. I got my revenge though by making Bart do a bunch of tests against a Hamster. He lost most of them and I won the Science Fair, though Bart tried to get even with a Science Project on if Hamster could fly planes."
-Moaning Lisa, the Autobiography of President Lisa Simpson
"Dad got arrested for drunk driving and lost his license. He had to go to traffic School and Alcoholic Anonymous meetings. Dad tried giving up beer for a month. He lost more wright, saved 100 Dollars and didn't sweat while eating. He was sober for thirty days. After that he went back to Moe's and was about to have a drink when he stopped himself and went back. He made a promise to himself. No more Beer."
Nixon: Well I would suggest, Mr. Vancouver, that if you knew the President that, that was just a facetious remark.
Announcer: And now a word from our sponsor.
Kennedy: I would like to take this opportunity to announce my fondness for, ah, Duff Beer [audience cheers].
Nixon: I'd also like to express, er, my fondness for that particular beer [audience grumbles].
- A Duff Beer commercial from 1960.
"Bart and I watched an Itchy & Scratchy episode Dazed and Contused. The show was trying to come back while playing it safe and I hate to say it but Mom ruined the show for us. The Show was trying to do cartoon violence but wasn't sure what it wanted to get away with yet, so the episode was just Scratchy being hit lightly on the head and the kids saying "Say no to Drugs". No blood and Gore and a positive mention. Like they didn't know what they could get away with yet. We decided we could make a better episode. We saw Dad accidentally cut Mom's hair off with hedge shear so we wrote an episode called "Little Barbershop of Horrors." We submitted it but it was rejected. We sent it again but under Grampas' name. He seemed ok with it so Grampa was hired as a staff writer. We were basically secretly guarding him. Our cartoons were hits. I think it brought me and Bart closer together. He'd felt left out since Mom and Dad were now into Politics together and I had a reputation, so did Bart but he hadn't done much since. The New Cartoons were violent, but they were popular and the audience loved it. Mom knew we what were doing and she couldn't bring herself to condemn the violence now, even as she was being pressured to, so she reigned as head of SNUH. We couldn't keep the ruse up so we revealed ourselves as the true writers. It was all kept secret, but we kept working and Grampa would be the public face. Our cartoon was nominated for an award for Outstanding Writing in a Cartoon Series at the Annual Cartoon Awards, the other nominees were Ren & Stimpy's Season Three Premiere, Strongdar: Master of Arkarm the Wedding Episode(I think Strongdar is a show from the 80's made because the creators couldn't afford the license to Conan the Barbarian or something like that), Action Figure Man: the How to Buy Action Figure Man Episode. We won but Grampa turned his acceptance speech into a rant on the Cartoon Industry and the Audience and was booed and thrown vegetables at him. At least we kept our job and still won."
-Moaning Lisa, the Autobiography of President Lisa Simpson
"Mom and Dad went to a high school reunion. Dad won a bunch of awards, but apparently he technically never graduated High School since he failed to pass a Remedial Science Course. Dad vowed to go back to school and pass the final exam so he could finally graduate."
-Moaning Lisa, the Autobiography of President Lisa Simpson
"Superintendent Chalmers was visiting the School. Skinner tricked me, Jombo, Kearney, Dolph and Nelson into going down into the basement. I found out that Groundskeeper Willie had the Shining, or as he called it "The Shinning". I read his mind and found out what Skinner was doing so I got out through the ventilation shaft and I stole Willie's tractor and crashed it into Chalmers by accident. He needed to go to the Hospital. Skinner lost a promotion and I was finally expelled from Spingfield Elementary. I tried a Private Christian School but I got expelled from that too. Mom started homeschooling me."
"It was "Whacking Day", on May 10. Snakes were driven to the center of town and beaten to Death. I saw Dad practicing. I never saw him do a triple backflip before. Lisa hated the Holiday, so did Barry White, who was supposed to be our celebrity guest but quit when he found out what the holiday was about. Mom took me on a field trip to Olde Springfield Towne. I found something wrong with the history of Whacking Day. The Holiday was said to have been started by Jebediah Springfield but he couldn't have because at the same time in 1775 he was in a battle at Fort Ticonderoga. Lisa and I teamed up and saves the Snakes. I told everyone the truth. Whacking Day was actually invented in 1924 as an excuse to beat up Irish immigrant. Lisa told the town about the good the snakes did, like eating rats. The town decided to end the Holiday after that. I was given a chance to go back to the school since it would look bad for such a profile event proving my knowledge to be from a student that was expelled. Funny enough Lisa would have her turn revealing the dark history of the town and the truth of Jebediah Springfield."
-Do the Bart Man: The unauthorized biography of Bart Simpson
" Juice Looseners were becoming popular. They didn't do anything. They were just loud Juicers from Osaka. One of the workers had the Flu, coughed in a box and Dad got sick. Next thing we knew the Osaka Flu had hit Springfield. Things got worse when a truck carrying killer Bees was overturned and they got loose, wrecking hell on the ecosystem. Former Mayor Quimby peaced out to the Cairbbean, leaving Hans Moleman to handle the mess. At home we all got sick and Mom had to take care of all of us and forgot to pay from Grampas' Bottle of Bourbon when she went to the Kwik-E-Mart. She was arrested. Not even Lionel Hutz could get her out when she was actually guilty and she went to Springfield Women's Prison. The Family suffered without her. So did the Bake Sale because she always saved it with her marshmallow squares, and so the Springfield Park Commission couldn't afford enough money to finish the repairs on the Statue of Jebediah Springfield from the head being sawed off and the bus collision. When Mom did get released since it was only a small theft, she was welcomes back. A Statue of Mom would be put up in the town once enough funds were raised, out of her contributions to it, and for her work as the founder of SNUH."
-Moaning Lisa, the Autobiography of President Lisa Simpson
:There were ads for something called "Gabbo" everywhere. No one knew what it was but there were these really distracting commercials every. Turns out it was a Viral Marketing Campaign. Turns out there was a new program starring Ventriliquist Arthur Crandall and his Ventriliquist Dummy "Gabbo". His catch phrase was "I'm a Bad Wittle Boy" and he was a hit. His show competed with the Krusty the Clown Show which already had its star go to prison and couldn't take another hit. Gabbo was more cutthroat in his tried to fight back with a dummy of his own but the thing was ugly and in poor condition so he ended up scaring the kids. Itchy and Scratchy moved to Gabbo's Show, except for us, we were still loyal to Krusty so we quit working for them. It was a hard choice but the right one. Krusty got an Eastern European Communist Cartoon called "Worker and Parasite" which didn't make sense to anyone. Ratings hit rock Bottom and the show was cancelled.
Krusty hadn't built a nest egg and fell on hard times and depression. Lisa and I, we didn't like Gabbo's show, so we tried to help Krusty out. I snuck into the studio and recorded Gabbo called children "SOBS" and leaked it to the news. His reputation was hurt. It was our idea that Krusty make a comeback special with all his celebrity guests. We tried recruiting Bette Midler, Johnny Carson, the Red Hot Chili Peppers, Hugh Hefner, and Luke Perry. We tried to speak to Elizabeth Taylor but her agent stopped us from talking to her. Krusty got back into shape. Sideshow Mel declined to come back because of the physical abuse he suffered on the show."
-Do the Bart Man: The unauthorized biography of Bart Simpson
History of Krusty the Clown.
Herschel Krustofsky was born to Jewish parents and grew up in the Lower East Side of Springfield. His father was a respected Rabbi named Hyman Krustofsky. He came from a long line of Rabbis and intended Herschel to follow in his footsteps, but Herschel wanted to become a clown, which his father disapproved of. Herschel began acting as a clown in secret when he could, wearing makeup. He was the top of his Yeshiva Class and entertained the Rabbis at the Talmudic conference, by making balloon sculptures of the menorah and the Star of David, until his face was sprayed with Seltzer Water and his identity revealed. His father disowned him and he never had a Bar Mitzvah.
Now on his own, Krusty moved to Tupelo, Mississippi, where he worked as a street mime. He made his first TV Appearance was on "The Milk of Magnesia Summer Calvacade." pretending to be a Russian Satellite, suspended by a rope in space(and also playing a Russian Spy other instances). This was a role he'd play several times. At the insistence of Walter Disney, who was also working on the show and through which Krusty would later use his connections to in order to get the rights to air Itchy and Scratchy, Krusty introduced a group of kids in his segments known as the Kruskateers.
"Who's the leader of the Club that's made for you and me? "
"K-R-U-S-T-Y"
-Kruskateers theme song.
Unfortunately during a live recording of the show in 1957 he suffered a groin injury from his harness pulling two hard and sweared on life TV, leading him to be removed from the program as it was aimed at families. Krusty also discovered that due to a stroke and the illegal use of unsafe Makeup chemicals, his face was now permanently stuck resembling his Clown persona, complete with Green Hair and white Skin. The same year Krusty bounced back with his own show, The Krusty the Clown Show, which was a serious talk show at its inception with some comedy, though he would often discuss current events with serious guests. On February 6, 1961, Krusty interviewed AFL-CIO President George Meany in a discussion on the Labor Crisis in America. He then, without informing, Meany he would do so beforehand, dumped a pile of whip cream on Meany. Meany was completely unphased by the event but brought a lawsuit to Krusty, bringing the show to an end.
In 1962, Krusty was working in Las Vegas, running into Mort "The Murderer" Murderosi and was approached to do 1,000 shows at Murderosi's Casino, Nero's Trough, where he had his own slot machine, but was kicked out when he became a gambling addict. After that Krusty headed off to Branson, Missouri. Krusty returned in 1964, where he rebranded his Krusty the Clown Show towards Children. They show now infamously struck children who did not laugh with a stick, something revealed in the later Documentary on the Show's history Circus of Shame. Krusty made a guessed appearance on the Show Laugh in, in 1968, but got stuck behind the Shutter Doors during the live performance.
Krusty's show continued though began to include more musical performances. In 1973, he performed a song of The Doors live on TV (Break on Through (To the Other Side)). He now famously hired and fired Sting(who graduated in 1974 but didn't become famous until 1978, as a member of the band The Police, having worked with Krusty in the intervening time ). That same year, Krusty's show officially took on the form it is known for, complete with Itchy and Scratchy segments and general tone, though the show was interrupted when the Falklands were invaded in 1982. In 1989, he briefly hired Sideshow Raheem. Raheem was unwilling to go against his faith as a muslim, to advertise Krusty pork products, and was unwilling to take part in any sideshow stunts. Raheem later resigned, when a drunken Krusty tried to run him over. Krusty already disliked making fun of Raheem. His role would be taken by Sideshow Bob. Krusty would put on a performance for the troops during the Gulf War, though his act bombed. After his performance he would meet and have sex with a female soldier who's name is classified, known only by "Erin". Erin went onto carry out the assassination of Saddam Hussein the next morning. Krusty joked "She killed half my act.". Erin had a daughter, Sophie, who due to the chemicals Krusty was exposed to, was born with green hair. Erin has maintained sole custody."
-For When you need things
Announcer:
Live from Springfield, the entertainment capital of Oregon The Krusty Komeback Special.
(Somber Music begins to play)
Krusty:
Send in the clowns,
Those daffy laffy clowns,
Send in those soulful and doleful,
Shmaltz-by-the-bowlful
clowns.
Send in...the clowns.
(Krusty began to sob, seemingly genuinely. Sideshow Mel appeared. Singing).
Sideshow Mel:
They're already here!
(The Audience applauded. Mel and Krusty hug, and the two sang a duet.
-Snippet from The Krusty Komeback Special
"Other events included Perry getting shout out of a cannon, the Red Hot Chili Peppers singing "Give It Away" in their underwear, Carson lifting a 1987 Buick Skylark over his head, Hugh Hefner playing "Peter and the Wolf" on a glass harp, and Krusty and Midler singing "Wind Beneath My Wings". The show was a hit. I heard Elizabet Taylor fired her agent after that and we all celebrated at Moe's Tavern and gave a toast to the return of Krusty."
-Do the Bart Man: The unauthorized biography of Bart Simpson