"I got a job as Krusty's assistant. I couldn't work on Itchy and Scratchy Anymore, not after what I'd seen with Milhouse, or at least what I'd seen with the Shining. Krusty wanted to give me something since I still helped him out of jail. I mostly just got food for everyone. I messed up one order. Sideshow Mel was lactose intolerant and I either forgot or he forgot to tell me, but he ended up getting sick and so he was out. Krusty had me take his place. By accident I knocked down the whole set during the live performance. I was left standing there in the ruins of the set. I panicked and just said "I didn't do it." everyone burst out laughing. Suddenly I became the "I didn't do it Kid." Everywhere I went people wanted me to say the line, even at school where everyone was telling me to Just say the line. It was fun at first and I got a ton of merchandise, but soon it would get boring. Krusty really milked the popularity. I still have a lot of the Merch. I sold T-Shirts for a while and I brought back the catchphrase. I showed up in more sketches and an idea tossed around the studio was greenlit The Simpsons. A TV Show based on our home life like what they did with the Osbournes and the Kardashians. All they did was follow us around with a Camera. Some of our neighbors got famous too. I really liked the theme song but mom hated it. I tried to break away from my catchphrase but everywhere I went people made me do it. I had an interview on Late Night with Conan O'Brien, and I tried to push myself as not just a catchphrase. Honestly I kept doing it because it made people happy, then they got bored with it after a while. I fell back on ¡Ay, caramba! I wasn't the only one with a catchphrase. Dad had "D'oh!", Flanders had Hi-diddly-ho! Barney just burped, which were already famous because he sometimes burped in his music. We all gave Lisa a bit of flack for not having one."

-Do the Bart Man: The unauthorized biography of Bart Simpson

"Dad got food poisoning. Apparently Apu had changed the expiration date on a ham from 1989 and then lowered the price. Apu didn't mean to poison Dad but the damage was done. Dad was offered two five pound buckets of shrimp in exchange for not suing. He got sick again and decided to sue Apu. He called a program called Bite Back to get them to investigate the Kwik-E-Mart. Dad was bugged and went in to talk to Apu. He was also bugged when they met for Be Sharp performances. The mike in Dad's phone went off and Apu heard a loud buzzing sound he thought was a bee. Dad got rid of the hat but he ended up recording Apu dropping a hot dog and putting it back on the Roller Grill. Apu was fired. Strangely enough his replacement was actor James Woods. He was rehearsing for a role as a Store Owner in this upcoming movie, For Better or for Worse. Apu came to stay with us. We liked having him there. He even sang a song for us. Then we saw him crying about missing the place. He lied to us through song. Apu decided he would go straight to the top to get his job back, to do that he would have to go to the world's first Convenient store, which was located in the Himalayas...Actually no the World's First Convenient Store was in Dallas, Texas and was founded in 1927. Having a Convenient store on top of a mountain wouldn't have been very convenient."

-Do the Bart Man: The unauthorized biography of Bart Simpson

The World's First Convenient Store was founded in Dallas, Texas. John , manager of the Southland Company Ice Plant, began selling products such as Milk, bread, and eggs he called convenient items. This expanded into a franchise. They were then named Tote'm Stores. When the great Depression hit, the Convenient Stores became essential for most people and the business and the franchise changed its name to "Kwik-E-Mart" after rejecting the potential name of "7-Eleven".

-Infosphere Kwik-E-Mart article

"Apu went on a personal quest, he went back to India and to the Himalayas. He'd come back, having gained the courage to face his demons by walking into the Kwik-E-Mart. By coincidence there was a robbery there and Apu leaped in the way of a bullet meant for James Woods. He survived. but was in the Hospital for awhile. Woods would help pay for his medical bills and a good word for him to get his job back once he recovered. Woods had to leave to film Contact, a movie where he fought aliens on a faraway planet."

-Do the Bart Man: The unauthorized biography of Bart Simpson

"Ben Matlock made an appearance at the Springfield Retirement Home. He had a TV Show about his time as a crime solver which was still on in which he played himself. He was a huge hit with the seniors. Grampa was really sad after the visit and gave us some of the money to go and buy gifts for us. I bought the new Malibu Stacy dolls. Turns out all of the words it said were really sexist like "Thinking too much gives you wrinkles" and "Don't ask me, I'm just a girl." Grampa also felt like no one took him seriously because of his age and so we got along better, though he got a job at Krusty Burger, which he quit because the young employees abused him, doing things to scare him like stealing his false dentures. I decided I'd find Stacy Lovell, the creator of Malibu Stacy, who made the Doll in 1959. To do this I went to . He owned the world's largest collection of Malibu Stacy dolls. Lovell was ousted from the company in 1974 as she was considered not cost effective and gave money to the Viet Cong. I went to Lovell's house and played a phrase from the new dolls. Lovell agreed to see me. We came up with the idea of creating a new doll, Lisa Lionheart, which I provided the voice of. It was designed to be more realistic and say inspirational and encouraging things. The Petrochem company(a chemical company that went into making makeup and then making the Malibu Stacy dolls to promote it) that makes the dolls fought back with their own doll, but I quickly pointed out it was the same doll with a new hat and the backlash continued. Lisa Lionheart dolls remained a fierce competitor to Malibu Stacy and I pulled some weight at Krusty Studios to get a Lisa Lionheart animated series in the works and promoted the issue on The Simpsons TV Show. I may not have had a catchphrase, but now I had a few."

-Moaning Lisa, the Autobiography of President Lisa Simpson

"Oh yeah, you probably want to hear about the time Dad went into Space. Well you see there was this idea at the time that the Cold War was over. It wasn't until later that we realized that's what they wanted us to think, but before the war broke out the Soviet Union was still strong, but they'd thrown their hands in the air and all seemed peaceful. Tensions had thawed, everyone thought. NASA needed a way to boost its ratings. Well the original idea was to send the Be Sharps into Space and have them perform Space Oddity and some of their biggest hits. First concert in space. Problem was Apu wasn't in the best condition after taking that bullet for James Woods. He was actually afraid the gravity would make the bullet move inside him. Skinner, well he had a complicated reason but the thing is he was a Vietnam War veteran and didn't like Lisa working with Lisa Lovell, someone charged with giving money to the Vietcong, which was treason. He was also afraid that being in Space would make him snap. He still had Vietnam flashbacks sometimes and he was afraid of the loneliness and the isolation. So it was down to Dad and Barney. Another thing that helped the choice was that legal proceedings had made it so that Dad was the heir of Uncle Herb's fortune. Herb had built cars for everyone from the Pope to Presidents and his company had funded NASA in the past. Now the people actually running Powell Motors didn't want to just hand over the company to anyone so they gave Dad a cozy job as basically a mascot and helped get him into space. Buzz Aldrin trained both Dad and Barney. Barney even sobered up a lot. The two of them went into Space, terrified out of their wits. The Launch did boost the ratings though.

Then Dad went opened a bag of potato ships. Now that wouldn't have been a problem on its own. I mean Astronauts eat all the time but Dad decided to float around eating them and broke an Ant Farm. The Ants started to fly around biting into things and clogging the instruments. It was pretty amazing watching the video of all those ants coming together in a massive pile and sitting on the instruments. Kent Brockman had came back to report on the whole thing and when the video turned on all we saw was a closeup of a giant ant. It's now one of the most famous moments in News History, but Brockman immediately turned it into a news story about an alien invasion by giant ants and famously declared "I for one welcome our insect overlords". We lost signal and prayed Dad was safe. Musician James Taylor even played a song praying for their return safely to Earth. When interviewed his suggested blowing the ants out of the airlock. This was the idea the Astronauts had and they hooked themselves up and opened the hatch into space to suck the ants out. The whole thing was recorded and is amazing to watch. Dad was nearly blown out into space. Of course he was in a spacesuit and was able to avoid getting sucked out thanks to a tether, and he quickly sealed the door behind him once the ants were out and sealed the Hatch. The Astronauts including my Dad, made it to Earth. Dad was a hero and made the cover of Time. Aldrin chose to hide Dad's involvement in the accident from the public. It would have also damaged NASA's reputation, so now the official story is some unexpected damage from outside the ship caused the ants to break out, something like unexpected turbulence or something."

-Do the Bart Man: The unauthorized biography of Bart Simpson

"Dad tried to get tickets to a football game on a radio contest but didn't, but Flanders won and he invited Dad. The two had a blast at the bought Dad a Nacho hat. Flanders even got the quarterback to give the game ball to Dad. Flanders was always nice to Dad, of course we didn't know it at the time but he was a member of the Stonecutters and had to keep an eye on Dad but at the time it seemed he was just nice. Problem was Dad was starting to get annoying to Flanders and kind of creepy. He would retreat into the hedges menacingly. We went on a camping trip with them but our families didn't get along. We started a food fight and I think that was the last straw. and once tried to chase after the Flanders car with Gold clubs, trying to get Flanders to notice him. He ended up speeding and Chief Wiggum busted him. He passed a sobriety test but there were a lot of or neighbors who saw him do it. Then when we were in church Dad snorted and Flanders called him out in front of everyone, Dad defended him and so the two patched up their relationship somewhat after that. Dad seemed to get it into his head and left Flanders more alone after that. Dad got distracted with the recent death of his great Uncle Boris. We went to stay at his house, which was supposed to be haunted. Turns out it was, we all got scared and we decided to have the house destroyed."

-Do the Bart Man: The unauthorized biography of Bart Simpson

I won an elephant. Well actually I won a radio contest. I had a choice between an Elephant or 10,000 Dollars I chose the Elephant. Yeah it wasn't my brightest move. They offered me other prices but I said no. The KBBL Radio Station and the DJs Bill and Marty got flooded with angry emails and I got my elephant. Now We were rich but even owning an Elephant was a lot, so we started paying for a chance to ride the Elephant. It wasn't enough. Dad sold the Elephant to a poacher named . Me and Lisa knew we had to do something, so I ran off with Stampy, unfortunately we ran through springfield to the tar pits. Dad fell into the Tar Pits, but he got himself out. Getting yourself out of a tar pit isn't that hard. I mean you lose a shoe but nothing really happened after that. It's not a death sentence. Dad decided to donate the Elephant to a wildlife preserve. I still went to see him every now and then. I guess I rubbed off on him cuz he kept bullying the other elephants."

-Do the Bart Man: The unauthorized biography of Bart Simpson

"

I...may have destroyed a copy of American Gothic. I found it in our basement and was told to clean it. I was a little too rough on it and got a message from the painter saying "If you can read this, you scrubbed too hard signed Grant Wood.". It was our little secret for awhile. I can tell you now because well...you just have my word for it. I destroyed the evidence. I could be lying. You don't know."

-Do the Bart Man: The unauthorized biography of Bart Simpson

"Happy Birthday!"

All the other Simpsons cheered towards me. The cake with the candles of the Number 12 and Krusty's face was put in front of me.

"Well thanks, but you know I'm not into Krusty anymore."

It was true. I could still work for the show but all the violence I'd seen made me not want to watch Itchy and Scratchy again.

"You've outgrown Krusty. First no more Aye Caramba now this."

Mom was right. I'd decided I didn't want a catchphrase anymore. The whole "I didn't do it" thing made me sick of it.

"Mom I don't have "

"Have a cow man." She finished excitedly as if hoping I'd reassure her.

"I was going to say Don't have a foolish attachment to the past."

Dad put a hand on my shoulder.

"C'mon boy. Humor your mother."

I rolled my eyes.

"Fine."

I said it in the most sarcastic tone possible.

"Don't have a cow. Man."

Marge sighed. Now content. With that out of the way I prepared to blow the candle. Then Lisa's cell phone rang. It was a big black clunky thing back then. Lisa went out and answered. I waited. Lisa had started wearing prescription glasses. She walked back in.

"I'm student of the Month for 48 consecutive Months."

Mom bent down to her.

"That's great Honey. Great. But it is Bart's birthday. "

I spoke up.

"No no no. This is fine. Just let me fix this."

I used my finger to write Lisa's name over my name on the Cake.

"There. Now it's all about you."

I slid the cake over to Lisa.

"Happy?"

I got up and left.

That night I went out with Milhouse on our skateboards and used slingshots to hit streetlights with rocks. Milhouse kept shouting "Lamp" over and over again and laughing. He noticed I didn't hit one.

"Hey you missed one."

It was the one right outside, the Springfield Retirement Castle.

"Nope. Can't do it. My grampa lives there.

Suddenly a police car stopped in front of us. Chief Wiggum got out.

"Stop. Stop. Right there!"

He flashed his flashlight on us.

"Well looks like we finally put an end to this "Lightmare on Elm Street". "

He chuckled at his own joke.

"Actually it's Maple street."

Chief Wiggum rolled his head.

"Well thank you Joke Police."

Milhouse held his skateboard up to his face.

"Please don't arrest me. It's a victimless crime."

From the street came the shout of Mayor Hans Moleman.

"Help. I can't see!"

He crashed.

Chief Wiggum looked at Milhouse.

"Looks like a Case of Molemanslaughter."

He looked back at Lou.

"Did that sound right to ya Lou?"

"I liked it." said Moleman weakly.

I had made it inside the Retirement Home into grampa's room. I peaked through the blinds to them slamming Milhouse on the Police Car. He turned and seemed to look at me, trying to use the Shining to get me attention. I shut the blinds. Out of sight. Out of mind.

"Thanks for letting me hide here grampa."

"Hiding? This is the best visit I've had in months."

I looked out again. They had tasered Milhouse into unconsciousness and threw him in the back of the car before driving away.

"Now come get your Birthday Present."

Grampa brought out an orange bike with lightning bolt on it. I recognized it.

"Whoa! I've been asking my parents for this, but they said I'd break my neck."

"Hey. You're going to break your neck sometime. It's important you do it when you're young. Like Chicken Pox. Now get out before I say something else preposterous."

He opened the door and I rode out. Feeling a lot better.

-Barthood, Bart Simpson's Autobiographical Film, 2015

"I don't like talking about this, but I guess I should. It helps me get over it. Mr. Burns was out of prison. He was basically under house arrest. We would find out later that the Government was trying to pin him for crimes such as the Trillion Dollar Bill he installed and his Nazi War Crimes that he hadn't confessed to, hoping he'd slip up and they'd get information. Well, Burns almost drowned in a bathtub. I'm not sure if he tried to kill himself, but he suddenly became obsessed with finding an heir. He had an estranged son in Larry Burns but they were very different. Smithers thought the Burns money, what's left of it would go to him but Burns actually wanted Smithers to be buried with him. Burns had a list down: Nelson, Martin, Milhouse, and weirdly enough me and Lisa. Of course we all said no, surprisingly even Nelson. I went to the Burns Mansion and vandalized the whole thing. I didn't tell anyone I was doing it, and well I was caught.

Burns said the heir thing was a toss up between me and Nelson but since I'd beaten Nelson in the past, he went with me. It didn't seem to bother him that I wasn't consenting to it. He acted too nice, it was pretty scary. He was all "Bart my Boy! How are you!?" . It was unnatural. He even asked me "How was the Olmec Head?". I told him how it was stuck in the Living Room. It got burned a little bit in the House fire but we took advantage of the reconstruction to move it to the basement." He talked about being sorry for how he acted and wanting to make amends to me for saving his life and that he wouldn't go after my family anymore.

I don't remember what happened next, and with good reason. I'll spill the beans now but Burns put me under some kind of control. I went home. How much time I was gone didn't bother me. I wasn't really paying attention. What confused me was I apparently tried to reach Milhouse with the Shining. When I tried to talk to him with the Shining the next time, which I'd done to check on how he was doing in Juvie, He said he heard screaming and heard me crying for help. Milhouse tried to htell someone but no one listened to him. Something was wrong. I didn't know what. It seemed like it was all over, but it wasn't. Remember when Santa's Little Helper went missing, well I found out what Burns had done with him, because he moved on to human trials. Me.

The next night. I got up and walked out at night. I was missing for who knows how long. What I barely remember is Burns was brainwashing me. Mom and Dad knew Burns had something to do with it and hired Lionel Hutz. Burns even brought me out to say I was happier with him. It turned into a court battle. Mom and Dad found someone, a Deprogrammer, one of the guys who worked as a Hypnotist to kidnap Bart. He ended up kidnapping Mayor Hans Moleman and brainwashing him into thinking he was Me(which led to Quimby making a comeback as Mayor). The Deprogrammer was later found out to have worked for Burns and took Mom and Dad's money and ran. He was the one who brainwashed Dad into playing Baseball for Burns.

Burns brainwashed me into thinking my family didn't love me. I saw a video of actors playing my family. I thought Burns was my real father. To prove it, Burns brought Dad in. He'd captured him and wanted me to shoot him. I had a gun in my hand. I pointed it at Dad. I started to remember. The gun was trembling. Burns was getting annoyed. Shouting at me to shoot him. There were tears in my eyes. I was fighting back. That's when I remembered what happened that night. The night I went to the Burns Mansion and got caught.

Burns was talking to me. I wasn't listening until he took me to a room and turned on the lights. Hannibal Lecter was there, tied to a chair, clearly beaten. Fat Tony was also there with bloody hands and wearing a wife beater(I never understood why it was called that). He turned to me. Fat Tony seemed happy to see me even when I'd helped the police crack down on the Mafia. He wasn't the kind of guy to have a kid killed. Burns explained to me that in order to make amends, he pulled some strings(Probably the Stonecutters and the League of Evil in hindsight) to get Hannibal Lecter captured. It was really him. He looked at me. There was a rag in his mouth. I realized later that if he could speak he'd probably tried to convince me not to kill him somehow and probably would have. He couldn't do much here and just looked at me. I suddenly got very nervous.

Burns handed me a gun. He told me that he wanted to make amends and that he hoped by catching Lecter, he could prove he was serious. I told him I needed time to think about it. He said that was fine, but Lecter was smart enough to have escaped. He'd already tried, at least that's what Burns said and that I might not get another chance. This was a one time offer. I looked at the gun. He killed Herb. I couldn't just let him go. Burns was whispering in my ear, asking "What if he killed your father or your mother, or your sister or the baby...". I'd had nightmares about my entire family being killed, usually by someone, anyone, wearing masks, usually hockey masks. Ever since I looked into Milhouse's memories I'd had nightmares, and I let that fear get the better of me. I pointed the gun. Tears in my eyes.

I shot Lecter six times in the chest.

It was the first person I ever killed. I was a murderer.

Now there were are many different versions of the story out there..."

-Do the Bart Man: The unauthorized biography of Bart Simpson

Blood on the Blackboard: The Bart Simpson Story, starring Richard Chamberlain as Hannibal lecter, and Joe Montegna as Fat Tony

"Bart, I'm Scared."

"Shut up!"

"Bart slapped the man."

"Now where do you want it Lecter."

(Lecter's mouth and white shirt is covered in blood. He spits in Bart's face. Bart wipes the spits off. There is a closeup of the gun as he opens fire. The Shots ripple on Lecter's body, bright red bursts, clearly squibs places on parts of the body).

-Scene from Blood on the Blackboard: The Bart Simpson Story

"Now he didn't spit on my face. He was gagged. After I shot Lecter, the trauma hit him. there was a silence and burn let out a cheer. I was very close to trying to kill him with the gun. Then I realized like an idiot I used every bullet. I didn't process it at the time. I had just avenged Uncle Herb. I didn't feel any better. I actually felt worse.

That's what I remembered in that moment where I was pointing a gun to my Dad. I started to fight back but I still had the urge to shoot. Dad couldn't speak. He'd been gagged.

I shot.

But before I did I turned to Burns. He was hit in the chest. He went down but I kept shooting. Not him, but the wall. I let the gun fall. I began to cry and fell to my knees. Dad broke free, untying himself. He went up and hugged me. He only said. "Cmon' Bart. Let's go home." He picked me up and we walked out of there. I was already seeing a therapist and now I had more reason to see . Burns was wearing a bullet proof vest. It seemed he didn't trust me. We just wanted to leave. When we got home we decided to sue Burns provided we could prove the claims."

-Do the Bart Man: The unauthorized biography of Bart Simpson

"I brought Santa's Little Helper to school for show and tell. He got Skinner in trouble. He crawled into the vents and Willie crawled after him. Willie got Santa's Little Helper but got stuck so the fire department came. Skinner got fired. I never meant to get him fired back. I never wanted that. I mean he was my...uncle. So I started to think of a way for him to get him his job back. Flanders had taken over running as Principal. He'd done it before when Skinner was on his honeymoon. Skinner needed a job. He wasn't lonely, he had Selma. Still he was thinking of going into the Army again. Turns out Skinner's job was easier to get back. Flanders was fired because he started to teach Religious things in school like making the School say the Lord's Prayer instead of the Pledge of Allegiance and Chalmers didn't want religion forced on the school. I also took the blame since I brought Santa's Little Helper and so he gave Skinner his job back. It felt nice in a way. Even with the lawsuit against Burns going nowhere as he'd covered his tracks. It was nice for a return to things being normal."

-Do the Bart Man: The unauthorized biography of Bart Simpson

Mrs. Krabappel announced class would end two hours later than normal because someone tampered with the classroom's clock. It was me. I left class. Longer. I didn't care. I thought Skinner would go easy on me after I helped him get his job back. Nope. I said I had a dentist appointment and skipped school. Skinner knew. I ran from him. He was unstoppable. I mean he was a War Veteran but it was insane. I saw him just walk through a river. He went under the water and just came right back out like he didn't have to breath. I hid. There was a party going on Mayor Quimby's son Fred Quimby was visiting. He was an asshole. The party was full of celebrities. I met Rainier Wolfcastle and his wife Maria. I was a celebrity too thanks to the Show and the "I didn't do it" thing so everyone just assumed I was invited. I told Rainier Wolfcastle his then latest movie, Last Action Hero sucked. I saw Skinner and ran. I was hiding in the Kitchen when I heard Freddy making fun of the Waiter for how he pronounced Chowder. Freddy went with the Kitchen and sprayed him with Champagne. He then left. Then the waiter tripped on the Whiskey. His head hit the table and he went out, bleeding. He was in a coma. The noise brought people in. I was hiding in the room. Freddy was put on trial. The town thought Freddy was guilty. I told Lisa and I decided I would prove Bart's innocent. It didn't help that there was an Episode of McGarnagle where a kid had to testify to save his life. Only for the kid to kill himself out of the trauma. Yeah McGarnagle was hardcore. I honestly used to love that show. It was pretty hardcore but not always. Clint Eastwood was an amazing actor and I've heard people quote the "Do you feel lucky punk?" line.

The Jury was Dad, Skinner, Moleman(who seemed to be recovering from thinking he was me), Flanders, Ms. Lovejoy, Jasper, Patty, Apu and Akira. Lionel Hutz was the attorney. Dad enjoyed the hotel room and watched the director's cut of Free Willy. He didn't like it. the whale crushed the kid. Jasper was more into a then recent crossover between Frasier and Seaquest DSV. The Crossover was actually better than it had any right to be. The Dog and the Dolphin were friends.

Anyway I testified. I looked at the Jury. I tried to use my Shining. Skinner looked at me.

"I know you can read my thoughts Bart. Just a little reminder if I find out you cut class. Your ass is mine. Yes you heard me. I think words I would never say."

It surprised me a little. I'd told my family about the Shining and I guess Selma told him. I looked at Dad and he was looking at me.

"I know you can read my thought, boy...meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow."

Dad always did that when he thought I was reading his mind. He thought it was a way of blocking me out.

I told the truth. I got up there and explained what happened. When the Butler woke up he confirmed the story. I got detention for four months but was praised for my honesty.

-Do the Bart Man: The unauthorized biography of Bart Simpson

"It was Maggie's 7th birthday. Grampa got depressed. So mom set him up with grandma, Mom's mom. The two fell in love. Dad didn't like this. He felt it made his relationship with Mom weird and was worried the two would have kids with problems if they had any at their age. Mr. Burns tried to steal her, but he was closely watched and Grandma new what he had done. So she stayed with Grampa. The two of them got married."

-Moaning Lisa, the Autobiography of President Lisa Simpson

"I bought a $350 Itchy & Scratchy animation cel with one of Dad's credit cards. I had to pay Dad back. Fortunately I blackmailed Mister Burns by stealing his suit and threatening to burn it. He gave up and paid up. It was small revenge."

-Do the Bart Man: The unauthorized biography of Bart Simpson

Dad was taking an adult education course at the annex Center. He was doing well so he became a teacher and started to teach a class about tips for a successful marriage. Unfortunately he started talking about steamy details. Now the class stayed for the gossip. Mom found out things about her. Like how she died her hair because it was actually grey. Dad agreed to stop but then he invited the Class to watch a family dinner. Mom had enough and kicked Dad out. I think the fact that we now had a camera crew following us around for the show and what Dad had done got to her. He stayed in Bart's treehouse. Bart and I were worried they'd get divorced. Mom turned down Moe when he declared his love. Dad came back with flowers. Dad won her over with words. He said he loves her and needs her to love him because he cannot afford to ever lose her trust again.

Of course when it came time to film the Simpsons TV Show episode. Dad did his speech a little differently...

"Look Marge, you don't know what it's like. I'm the one out there every day putting his ass on the line. And I'm not out of order! You're out of order. The whole freaking system is out of order. You want the truth? You want the truth?! You can't handle the truth! 'Cause when you reach over and put your hand into a pile of goo that was your best friend's face, you'll know what to do! Forget it, Marge, it's Chinatown,"