"A heatwave hit Springfield, so we talked Dad into buying a swimming pool. Soon we paid kids to come and use it. I hurt myself trying to do a dive from my treehouse into it. I got to miss out on the summer because I was in a stupid cast. Lisa gave me her telescope and I used it to spy on the neighbors. Then I heard a scream from the Flanders house that sounded like woman. Then I saw Flanders burying something in the backyard, but I couldn't see what. I overheard Flanders telling Rod and Todd their mother was with god. Lisa was getting popular with thanks to the swimming pool until Martin got a bigger one, so she was free to help me. She snuck into the house looking for evidence but Flanders came back. I went to help Lisa even though my leg was broke. We saw Flanders wielding an axe. I moved in to try and stop him and he put the axe away. Flanders explained everything until the police arrived. Maude was at Bible Camp, which we realized was true when she came back. Flanders killed a house plant. The scream turned out to belong to Flanders. Meanwhile Martin's pool collapsed from too many people. The Simpson pool was back in style, with a weight limit."
-Do the Bart Man: The unauthorized biography of Bart Simpson
"I had a rival. There was a new student in my class named Allison. We didn't get along at first. I felt like I had competition. She beat me at playing saxophone. I passed out and she still won. The kids that used to taunt me before I became famous, now taunted her. I went to see her and found out that she'd won a lot of awards. We were making Dioramas in school. Allison made one of "The Tell-Tale Heart". I tried to make one of a scene from Oliver Twist. Bart wanted to help sabotage Allison's entry. He stole a cow heart and put it in the display. Allison got in trouble for using a real heart. She couldn't explain where it came from. I had to step in to say something. I threw Bart under the bus. I became friends with Allison after that. We helped Ralph clean up. He made a diorama of Star Wars figures."
-Moaning Lisa, the Autobiography of President Lisa Simpson
"There was an accident and hundreds of pounds of was left free after a truck accident. Dad took as much sugar he could and started selling it. The Company came to collect all the sugar so he didn't have long, so he ran out pretty quickly. He also started to attract bees, though that wasn't a problem once he ran out. Another failed business venture. Still it distracted Dad during the whole Allison thing. Mom was glued to a book called Love in the Time of Scurvy.
-Moaning Lisa, the Autobiography of President Lisa Simpson
"Mom was reading The Bridges of Madison County in bed. It started a conversation about the family on romance. There's wasn't anything good on that night. Itchy and Scratchy was having a clip show. Mom told about the french bowler she almost fell in love with. Dad told us about Mindy Simmons. Bart talked about his crush for Laura Powers. I talked about Ralph's crush on me. We were at least happy Selma and Skinner ended up together, same with Grampa and Grandma Jacqueline. Finally, Mom and Dad talked about theirs."
-Moaning Lisa, the Autobiography of President Lisa Simpson
"Boy do we have a Vacation for you."
-Commercial for Itchy & Scratchy Land.
ITCHY & SCRATCHY LAND OPENS
"Itchy & Scratchy Land promises to be a theme park like none other before it. According to Itchy & Scratchy owner Roger Meyers Jr, The Idea for a Theme Park was originally pitched back in the 1950's by Walter Elias Disney during his time as the company, but never materialized in his lifetime. However, with the recent success of both the Itchy and Scratchy Movie and the new creative team leading the series to win awards, it was decided that it was finally time to bring the idea to life. Itchy & Scratchy land promised to be the Most Violent place on Earth. though the creators insist to parents that the park intends to teach kids about the dangers of violence.
Itchy & Scratchy Land sits on an island that has had the faces of Itchy and Scratchy carved into it with the Theme Park on the heads. Guests access the park either by helicopter of by a bridge to the mainland in a parking lot. There are two Parking lots, the Itchy and the Scratchy lot, though both are fairly massive.
Attractions
The park is made out of four "lands": Torture Land, Explosion Land, Searing Gas Pain Land, and Unnecessary Surgery Land.
Rides and attractions include:
Torture Land
The Head Basher- A Mosh Pit that essentially runs all day, playing Heavy Metal music
Mangler-A large Graviton style ride.
Explosion Land
Itchy's Mine Field-A giant area in which guests run through, it is filled with what amount to Paintballs and trampolines with activate in several areas as explosions, which propel the guests upward if they step on a mine. Their goal is to make it through to the other side without losing. Paintball matches are also held in the area, during which the area will "Shrink" as the "Mine Field" gets bigger and bigger until only one area is safe.
Soarin' Over Springfield-Simulates an explosion propelling you into the air over the city of Springfield. Faced criticism for the loose theme to the land and the fact that Springfield lacks any real notable sights.
Searing Gas Pain Land
The Nauseator- Another Graviton style ride.
Log Ride-Exactly as it says with some loose theming and slight thematic touches, such as a Saw blade almost cutting the guests log during the ride.
Unnecessary Surgery Land
Blood Bath-The name for the Waterpark, which has red dyed Water, which fortunately does not stain clothes and acts like normal water. It is also a lighter Kool Aid color rather than the darker color of actual blood, allowing actual blood to be seen floating in case there are injuries.
Itchy & Scratchy's Injury 500-Allows you to pilot cars around a track.
Tavern on the Scream-The Most successful restaurant in the park. Outside the area is a giant figure of Itchy, which brings down a knife every once in awhile. While guests often run through it, nothing would actually happen if the blade came down on someone's head as the knife is made of soft material and would stop if it made contact. Items on the menu include the Brain Burger(a cheeseburger), Baby Guts(Veal), and Eyeball Stew(Soup with Matza Balls).
There is also an attraction called The Roger Meyers Story, detailing the story of Roger Meyers Sr, Chester Lampwick, and Walter Elias Disney, the creators of Itchy and Scratchy. It faced criticism for essentially being an ego trip, making Roger Meyers look like the biggest player in the creation process.
The park also contains a "Parents Island" exclusively for parents, where parents can "consume alcoholic beverages, learn new recipes, hammock-loafing, watch hours of television, or delude themselves into living in the 70's again". The island contains "Itchy's 70's Disco" and "T.G.I. McScratchy's Goodtime Fooddrinkery".
Shops in the park include a gift shop selling names for every person, yes, even "Bort" license plates. There's also a penny arcade, a camera shop, a daycare center with a ball pit, and park emergency services such as its own fire station, the finest Amusement Park-run ER and triage center(Granted it's the only Amusement Park-rum ER and triage center but still). The Park boasts a 95% survival rate.
-Itchy & Scratchy land review
"So yeah we were invited to the Opening Day. I mean me and Lisa worked on the show and Marge had basically been forgiven, even if she was uncomfortable with all the violence on the show and on the park. I couldn't find a License plate with my name. I found Bort, which apparently is a common name. Dad and I harassed one of the guys in an Itchy costume. We got detained. Mom got us out. Dad insisted he was a political prisoner. Then the robots marched down the street. They were from the parade, apparently they malfunctioned. One swung an axe at Dad. We all ran and got cornered. Dad proudly proclaimed no one ruined the family vacation but him and maybe me and started throwing stuff at them. I tried to take a picture and the Flash was on. The robots seemed to go crazy and attacked each other. It was a weird glitch but apparently a flash made them glitch out. The Glitch couldn't really be explained and may have been sabotage. Conspiracy theories believe that some disgruntled people who worked for the company, sabotaged the animatronics. Some even say they were friends with Walt Disney when he was alive and that Disney's company failing as a result of Meyers Jr competing against it and closing it down led Disney to smoke and drink himself to death. Some of the Disney crew had been brought over to work for Meyers Jr and were treated horribly. This was their revenge. Of course all that is just speculation. It was the best vacation we ever had and we even got to stand over the piles of the Itchy and Scratchy robots we took down. It's actually a shame the park would never open again. Still at least we got compensated."
-Do the Bart Man: The unauthorized biography of Bart Simpson
"Sideshow Bob called a right wing talk show host, Birch Barlow. You know, he died right, back in 21'. I remember hearing about that. I didn't really care. Anyway Bob called him up and claimed he'd been framed for trying to kill me and Aunt Selma. Well, Bob got out. I'm not sure how, but I suspect Burns, and he was in the race for Mayor with Barlow's support. Mayor Moleman had been badly injured when he caught fire by a sunbeam. The fire was put out but he was badly burned. The Irony was the only real person who could stop him was Joe Quimby, so Lisa and I convinced him to run again, this time with Lisa helping him instead of bringing him down. Quimby was the Democratic choice and Sideshow Bob was the Republican choice. We did all we could but he won in a landslide, which of course meant the vote was rigged. After that he made our lives a living hell. I was demoted to Kindergarten and there was a plan to demolish our house to make way for the Matlock expressway. Then Smithers got in touch with us. This was another one of Burns's scheme. It was voter fraud. All the names of the people who voted for Bob were dead. Buddy Holly, Ritchie Valens and the Big Bopper were all on there. Turns out, Burns used to play Golf with Nixon and two of Nixon's former aids were helping Bob out H.R. Haldeman and John Ehrlichman. Nixon himself was from Springfield and was enjoying retirement. He'd basically turned it into a retirement spot for Republican Presidents, of course all the former Presidents were dead except for Nixon, George Bush Sr and Gerald Ford. All of which would come to Springfield. So with our evidence Bob was put on trial for Electrical fraud and confessed the whole thing. After that everything was brought back to normal, well except Joe Quimby was Mayor now.
-Do the Bart Man: The unauthorized biography of Bart Simpson
"Burns had tricked us before. Admittedly this plan was a bit more complex but we were hired to look over this old Hotel called the Overlook. We thought it was because of a Krusty special being held there. We didn't talk to Burns throughout the whole thing and didn't know he had set the whole thing up. A lot of things had happened in that place. Not that we knew about them. The first few days were boring. Groundskeeper Willie was also there. Then Dad snapped. He went Crazy and didn't mind if he did. Still Mom knocked him out with a baseball bat and locked him in the freezer. The ghosts freed him. Yeah, I could see Dead people. That place made my Shining go crazy. Or Shinning as Willie kept calling it. The ghosts freed dad and we made a run for it. I decided to call Willie for help. I regret it. Willie showed up.
Homer buried an Axe in his back.
Willie fell forward dead.
I'd just watched my Dad murder a man. I know he didn't mean to. It was this place driving him crazy. But I couldn't look at him the same way again after that.
Dad calmed down once we got the portable TV Willie brought with him playing. He started to cry once he returned to normal.
We started a fire in the Overlook Hotel. We waited outside and watched as the whole thing burned. Then we left. Willie's body was also left inside, burning. I thought I was crazy but I thought I saw Willie's burning skeleton rise up, an Axe in his skull, blaming me and Dad for his death. The worst part was...He was right. Dad made the dumb choice of mocking it when it swore revenge.
"Yeah and how are you going to do that? Skeleton Power."
"I'll get ya the one place. No one can save ya. Ya Dreams."
And with that he collapsed to pieces.
After that we took Willie's truck and drove back in Silence. I now had to live with having witnessed my Dad killed a man. None of us were certain if what we saw was real. We discovered the whole awful truth of the Overlook. The parts that were hidden from us from . Not that we knew he was involved at the time otherwise he didn't think we'd take the deal. Built on an ancient Indian Burial ground, Satanic Rituals, witch and five John Denver Christmas Specials, and a series of Caretakers going insane and murdering their own families after staying here.
-Do the Bart Man: The unauthorized biography of Bart Simpson.
"
It was hard to bounce back after what had happened at the Overlook. We had lied and said that there had been a fire caused by lightning striking a tree and an investigation led to people discovering how we were tricked. Willie was believed to have burned to death in the fire. We held a funeral with everyone from the School attending. We returned to the show. The show's now called the Simpsons, and it's what people most know us for, but when it first premiered it was called My Funny Family. We were not role models. Former President Bush said publicly he wanted the American Family to be more like the Waltons and less like Us. Hey man, the Waltons were praying for the recession to end too. We were all dead inside now. So the name of the show changed. I used to have a dance called "Do the Bart Man" with Michael Jackson...Well ok Leon Kompowsky as Michael Jackson, but still. We couldn't simulate the family Sitcom style anymore. The show became something serious. The first Episode we did when we came back was a Halloween Special. Dad was the only one that was fully available for it. It was about him fixing a toaster and somehow inventing a time machine. We appeared less in it. Dad suggested a part that we thought was in bad taste where someone in a Scottish accent tries to tell him time travel is dangerous only to be axed in the back."
-Do the Bart Man: The unauthorized biography of Bart Simpson.
"
I had a and the other teachers started eating the students. I saw Willie in the dream. He was laughing at me. I woke up screaming. The Whole family was there. They woke me up. They told me this gas was moving through the house. They grabbed me and we ran out. I learned later the gas turned people inside out, or something like that. I think it made your internal organs...External. I don't like to think about it, but we got out just in time. Someone had pumped the gas in the House."
-Do the Bart Man: The unauthorized biography of Bart Simpson.
"I fell in love with Reverend Lovejoy's daughter Jessica. I still liked Laura Powers but she was too old for me. I tried to talk to her but she ignored me. I even went to Sunday School and had to restraint myself. I finally went back to playing pranks and Jessica seemed to like me. I had dinner at her house but Reverend Lovejoy forbade me from seeing Jessica again. We dated in secret. She was as bad as me. Well...as bad as I used to be, but I went along with it because we bonded and it made me happy. I needed to be happy at the time after seeing several murders and our house being fumigated to clear out the Inside Out gas someone slipped in to try and kill us. I wanted Jessica to be better. To be like me. I had changed. Instead she stole the Church's collection money and framed me for it. I tried to say I was innocent but everyone thought it was me. Dad assumed I was guilty. Mom though I was innocent. I didn't want to blame Jessica. She refused to admit what she did. Lisa learned the truth and admitted to everyone from Church that Jessica was guilty. Reverend Lovejoy agreed to have her room searched and the money was found under he bed. She was punished and everyone apologized to wasn't meant to be. Jessica got a new boyfriend and I was over her. Lisa said she reminded me of what I used to be and by getting over her, I was moving on, saying goodbye to who I used to be. I don't know if I believe that."
-Do the Bart Man: The unauthorized biography of Bart Simpson.
"I found it fitting that the Church Marquee read "Evil Women in History: From Jezebel to Janet Reno". I mean you don't really plan that and I wouldn't call Jessica evil. I wouldn't call her a Jezebel, a Delilah maybe, and I sure as hell wouldn't compare her to Janet Reno, the Freakin' Unabomber? That's too much."
-Moaning Lisa, the Autobiography of President Lisa Simpson
"I was failing gym class. I made a deal with my gym teacher that if I joined a sports program outside of school I would get a passing grade. I tried to find one. Bart was playing Hockey for his team, the Mighty Pigs, which Chief Wiggum coached. He putted stuff at me and I knocked it back. Apu saw me. He had his own team, the Kwik-E-Mart Gougers and asked me to play. I became the team's Goalie. I was good at it. The team had its best season ever, though that's not saying much. Dad played favorites and so Bart and I started to compete. The Gougers would fight the Mighty Pigs. It was a fierce battle. At four seconds lift, Bart got tripped by Jimbo so he got a penalty shot that decided the game. We decided it had gone too far and both gave up. The match was a tie. The people of Springfield angrily left. We would keep playing Hockey for our teams though."
-Moaning Lisa, the Autobiography of President Lisa Simpson
There was a Candy Convention coming to town. Mom and Dad were going to hire Laura Powers to babysit us. They knew her and she'd done it before. It was either her or a Feminist Grad Student named Ashley Grant, but it was decided that a Candy Convention would be a lovely place to take the kids. So all six of us went there. Mom, Dad, me, Bart, Maggie, Herb. It was a great time. Dad brought a giant trenchcoat hoping to smuggle out as much as possible. Then there was a rare gummy in the shape of the Venus de Milo. Dad was caught stealing it. He panicked and made a run for it. When he was cornered he took a soda and Pop Rocks and mixed them together, shouting "See you in Hell, Candyboy!" before running. In his head he imagined the Convention Center exploding behind him. This didn't happen he was arrested and the Venus De Milo taken off of him. He spent some time detained but was released soon after.
-Moaning Lisa, the Autobiography of President Lisa Simpson
"The next morning an angry mob was at our front door. Mindy Simmons had started an accusation that Dad had sexually harassed her. Dad was heartbroken about why she would do this. We all realized that Mindy was either being bribed or blackmailed. Our guesses were either Burns or Bob. Probably Burns. Dad gave an interview on a tabloid news Show called Rock Bottom. They aired the interview but it was badly edited to make him look like a pervert. Nobody fell for it and they faced a huge backlash that led them to release the actual interview which made Dad look like a good person. Dennis Franz played him as a sexual predator in a made for Tv movie and the media still circulated him. Dad gave another interview where he talked directly to Mindy, who was being interviewed from an unknown area, apparently for her own safety. He begged her and even shed a tier to tell the truth. Mindy seemed mean the entire time but then weakly muttered the word "Homer?" like a question and then began to scream and panic. She shouted "Where am I?" and "Someone Help me?" before the Camera cut off, causing confusion. Her body was discovered a few days later. Some people suspected that Dad had killed her, others didn't know what to believe. The death hit Dad hard, probably more than Willy's death. He could excuse himself from that, saying it was the place making him go crazy but for this...he felt responsible.
-Moaning Lisa, the Autobiography of President Lisa Simpson
Mom and Dad's relationship was getting a little dull. Dad read the Kama Sutra, but Mom wanted another book called Mr. and Mrs. Erotic American, a Paul Harvey book-on-tape. They bathed together, they went to a hotel room. Things like that. Grampa was looking for ways to improve his money and he was able to make a Tonic with the money he had. The Tonic worked and Mom and Dad got back into their relationship. Dad's reputation was still tarnished by Mindy's death and it made him want to get closer to Grampa, so they opened "Simpsons & Son" as a business and travelled around selling the medicine. This took them back to the farmhouse they used to live on. Grampa told Dad there that he had made the Tonic before and that he was an accident, because Grampa had taken the Tonic. Dad left Grampa after that. He eventually went back to talk to Grampa. As a kid he remembered meeting Santa Claus on Christmas while his father wasn't there. As an adult he realized his father was Santa Claus. Dad drove back and decided they would have a fresh new start. They both decided to burn down the old farmhouse, watching as it burned down to ash. The two kept selling the Tonic after that in a lot of places, though Dad got kicked out of Riverdale a while ago and so wasn't allowed back there. His travel schedule would have lined up with his touring but both of his bands dissolved as the members had other jobs. This was around the time the rebranding of My Funny Family happened as episodes without Dad were needed.Of course we got all this later, as kids we were wondering why all the grown ups were staying indoors. Ralph, Milhouse and Bart made conspiracy theories. I knew the real reason but I joked that they were "Reverse Vampires" and so couldn't be out at night. They took this seriously and decided the RAND Corporation was working with space aliens to leave children without dinner because their parents went to bed early. While not true, this would be closer to the truth than I wished.
-Moaning Lisa, the Autobiography of President Lisa Simpson
Dad got kicked out of Moe's Tavern and started looking for other Bars. He found one for airline pilots. He got mistaken for a pilot and got put into the cockpit of a plane, which he crashed. The Airline wanted to keep their mistake a secret as Dad had told them repeatedly he wasn't a pilot, and no one was hurt, so the family got free tickets, which Grampa saw as an excuse to sell his Tonic. The family got tickets to any of the lower 48 states. Mom turned out to have a fear of flying and she had a panic attack, so she was let off the plane along with Maggie and Herb while Dad, Bart and I travelled. When Dad got back he tried renting movies about airplanes. This didn't help. Mom went to se , a new Doctor after Marvin Monroe had recently passed away. She helped a lot. It turns out that the Mom's Dad had been a male flight attendant but told mom he was a pilot. He'd also lost his leg in a plane crash and these likely contributed to Mom's fear of flying. He was the only member of the family to approve of mom dating Dad. He died in an accident in 1985. Mom finally overcame her fear of flying."
-Moaning Lisa, the Autobiography of President Lisa Simpson
" Dad was brought to a secret place by his father. It was on that night that his life was changed forever. He was introduced to the Stonecutters."The Stonecutters were an ancient Secret Society. Grampa was a member, and because of a birthmark, Dad was the chosen one.
They had 907 members before Dad joined as each number is assigned depending on when they joined. Most of them had helped to manipulate Homer for his entire life to fulfill his purpose of leading the organization. In order to become a Stonecutter your father must either have been a member or you have saved the life of a Stonecutter.
The members I know of are:Number One (No. 1)-True Name Unknown, the Society's founder. He is believed to be immortal, having founded the Stonecutters in 495 AD. As he was the first member. He is the only one who did not become a member through blood relation or saving a Stonecutter's life.
Julius Hibbert (No. 2)- Through which the Stonecutters kept track of Homer's health. While the Stonecutters existed long before him, Number One was the only member. It is said that Hibbert was brought a dying old looking man and restored him to health. He became the second Stonecutter as this was Number One, who was said to be a vampiric being that he fed off blood to keep himself alive. Hibbert reviving him convinced him to accept other members into the club.
Jasper Beardly (No. 5)-Number One and Hibbert had begun recruiting former World War II veterans as since they were quite old it was believed they could keep secrets. No 3 and 4 are believed to have been such individuals, possibly belonging to the Flying Hellfish. Beardly is also a war veteran and has remained alive.
Lenny Leonard (No. 12)-Made a member to keep an eye on Homer. Lenny's inclusion was a result of his grandfather saving Jasper Beardly's life during the war and his Grandfather and father were both among the Stonecutters. Neither are longer living.
Carl Carlson (No. 14)-Made a member to keep an eye on Homer. Lenny vouched for Car saving his life when they were children.
Ned Flanders (No. 17)- Saved Homer's life in 1969 when he would have died from a faulty trampoline Flanders had sold him and for this reason, since the Stonecutters knew Homer to be their prophet, he was given membership, though this was years after the event in 69'. was later Installed as Homer's neighbor to keep an eye on him.
Moe Szyslak (No. 21)- Another childhood friend of Homer's intended to keep an eye on him. His inclusion was due to saving Carl, Lenny and Homer from bullies when they were younger.
Joe Quimby (No. 22)- Seen at the time as a rising politician and possible Future President that Stonecutters wanted on their side. Joe Quimby Sr had been a World War II veteran and had saved the life of another member and so Joe Quimby was given membership.
Charles Montgomery Burns (No. 29)-Disliked by many but soon learned of the Stonecutters and practically bribed or blackmailed his way into it, claiming to have saved several members in World War II.
Krusty the Clown (No. 36)-Evidently he had saved the life of an unidentified Stonecutter member by performing CPR on him during a performance.
Clancy Wiggum (No. 50)-Chosen as he was credited with saving the life of Burns during a break in at a University's Germ research lab, which is untrue as Mona Simpson was in actuality responsible.
An Alien (No. 51)- An unidentified alien. Gained membership due to saving the life of an unknown member.
Waylon Smithers, Jr. (No. 59)- Chosen for both saving Burns's life at an unknown point and because Burns requested Smithers Sr be made a posthumous member for saving Burns's life.
Kent Brockman (No. 66)-Believed to have saved the life of an unknown member.
Arnie Pye (No. 67)- Unknown connection but is believed to have saved Brockman's life.
Disco Stu (No. 79)- Unknown Connection.
Groundskeeper Willie (No. 85)- Deceased. Connection unknown.
Abraham Simpson (No. 111)-Made a member due to the lives he saved during World War II being Stonecutter members.
Professor Frink (No. 314)- Has an unknown familial connection.
Seymour Skinner (No. 600)- Due to an unknown life he had saved in Vietnam.
Herman Hermann (No. 667)- Saved an unknown member's life during the war.
Melvin Van Horne (No. 698)- Saved Krusty the Clown's life at an unknown point after Sideshow Bob was arrested.
Kirk Van Houten (No. 700)- Made a member due to a life he saved during war.
Martin Prince, Sr. (No. 710)- Unknown, Believed familial connection.
The Egg Council Guy (No. 883)- A man dressed as an Egg as part of the Egg Council. Apparently saved Lenny's life at one point.
Steve Guttenberg (No. 895)- Unknown.
Apu Nahasapeemapetilon (No. 899)- Unknown but is believed to have saved a life to get in.
Lionel Hutz (No. 900)- Unknown but is believed to have saved a life to get in, like getting someone Acquitted for Murder.
Dewey Largo (No. 902)- Unknown. Believed to have saved a life.
Scott Christian (No. 903)-Is believed to have saved Brockman to gain membership.
Leopold (No. 904)- Believed to have gained membership through saving Skinner's life during the Vietnam War.
Barney Gumble (No. 905)- For saving Homer's life at one point.
Rafael (No. 906)-Unknown, believed to have saved a life.
Stonecutter's Painter (No. 907)-Unknown.
Homer Simpson (No. 908 / The Chosen One; formerly)
Plumber from Stern Lecture Plumbing (No. 909)- Only an employee until he fixed the Simpsons plumbing and claimed to have saved his life to gain membership.World Council
Orville Redenbacher
Jack Nicholson
Mr. T
George Bush
Stonecutters Theme Song
Who controls the British crown?
Who keeps the metric system down?
We do, we do!
Who keeps Atlantis off the maps?
Who keeps the Martians under wraps?
We do, we do!
Who holds back the electric car?
Who makes Steve Guttenberg a star?
We do, we do!
Who robs cavefish of their sight?
Who rigs every Oscar night?
We do, we do!
-Information gathered on the Stonecutters.
The Stonecutters power mostly comes from the power of their founder and George Bush's membership as a former President. Dad entered this world, and justified his membership when he learned his father was already a member. This was all just as planned. It was nearing the 1500th Anniversary of the founding and it was decided now was the time for Homer Simpson to learn his destiny, which he readily accepted. The only member he refused to have was Burns, who he pointed to and was going to demand killed, but a whisper in his ear by Smithers insisted that Burns be exiled from the Stonecutters instead. He protested, claiming first to be an old member(he wasn't there were several people younger than him that had joined before him) and then claiming that Stonecutters would be lost without him. He then left. None of the other Stonecutters had a problem with Dad, being friends or at least acquaintances. It was revealed to him that he had died several times and that Frink, a member of the Stonecutters, had actually been cloning Homer upon his death(this is now believed to have likely been a lie intended to make Homer loyal to the Stonecutters as they claimed to have brought him back to life via cloning when he died several times before such as when he ate Poisonous Blowfish and when he tried to jump Springfield Gorge. Frink also claimed to have cloned Hans Moleman several times).
Anyway Dad was now leader of a massive Cult with worldwide power.
Oh god...Dad was now the leader of a massive cult with worldwide power!
-Moaning Lisa, the Autobiography of President Lisa Simpson