Santa's Little Helper ran away from home. We were all worried. Last time he went missing like this Burns has abducted and brainwashed him. We didn't think he would do the same thing again. Was he getting that lazy? Homer had the Stonecutter members search for him too. They found him at the Dog Racing track we had adopted him from. He was found with a female greyhound called "She's the Fastest." We realized we'd separated them. We didn't mean to. So Dad used his Stonecutters connections to adopt "She's the Fastest." Sometime later she gave birth to 25 puppies. We couldn't take care of all of them, so we gave them away. Burns tried to buy them all but we refused. We didn't give them away immediately but held onto them, but we found out the next day they had been stolen. We immediately suspected Burns and the whole family snuck into his mansion. It was Lisa and I that reached his window. We saw him taking care of the Dogs. One of them stood up on its hind legs and he called it "Little Monty". Everything seemed fine until he revealed he wanted to make a suit out of the puppies. I grabbed them and we jumped down a chute. We ran into Burns and Smithers at the bottom. Burns tried to make a deal to keep Little Monty. I mixed them up so he wouldn't tell but Burns tried to make Little Monty stand on his hind legs. I put a sock on a clothesline above Burns's head and made all the puppies jump up. Mom and Dad showed up and we grabbed the puppies and ran out of there. We ended up giving the puppies to members of the Stonecutters. Krusty got one and so did Doctor Hibbert.

-Do the Bart Man: The unauthorized biography of Bart Simpson

We had a field trip to Fort Springfield. We crashed into a cannon pointed at an outpost, fortunately it wasn't loaded and we only took a wheel off, which got us kicked out. We tried to by watching the reenactment. Unfortunately watching the reenactment was no longer free, the Diznee company, had just bought it out trying to turn it into an attraction. They were getting some flack for buying out land to build a theme park like Uncle Walt always wanted to do before all the stress from making violent cartoons led him to smoke himself to death. The story goes Disney was smiling when his cigarette fell out of his smilng mouth and onto his lap where it set his tie on fire. Some say he whispered the mysterious word "Epcot." which no one knows the meaning of, triggering. a Rosebud Style hunt for its meaning. The people in charge of the company were running it to the ground, renaming the company Diz Nee to appeal to 90's kids had backfired. Roger Meyers Sr was going to buy out the remains any day now we all thought. Who knew how long their ownership of Fort Springfield would last.

That brings me to Fort Springfield itself. The Fort didn't actually see any action during the Civil War, but a lot of people from the fort did see battle and so they hold Civil War reenactments there. They usually reenact this pretty famous battle where the Confederacy feigned surrender and them attempted to ambush the Union forces, but the Union still won out. Because of Diznee buying the Fort we couldn't get in. Skinner tried to get in because he was stationed at the Fort before back when he fought in Vietnam. This didn't work. instead he had us sneak in but they caught us and chased us. We got on the Bus and Otto drove off. Sadly Üter was left behind.

Now this wouldn't have been that bad, until Diznee, and Fort Springfield chose to sue the school, so did Üter's parents, which in turn led to a Teacher's strike led by . We were already in pretty bad shape and after that the only books we could afford were the ones banned by other schools like TekWar by William Shatner, Sexus by Henry Miller, Hop on Pop by , The Satanic Verses: Junior Illustrated Edition by Salman Rushdie, 40 Years of Playboy by Hugh Hefner, Steal This Book by Abbie Hoffman, and The Theory of Evolution by Charles Darwin.

So School was closed. All of us found ways to cope. It honestly wasn't so bad. I mean We had our own show. Lisa was animating, learning to play the Sax, playing Hockey, all that stuff. So was I mostly. Milhouse actually seem to change. He became smarter, thanks to a private tutor. Jimbo got really into those trashy Soap Operas. Everything was going fine until Mom stepped in to try and fix everything. I'd felt bad when Skinner was fired but this was different. What happened was his fault. Now when in hot water, the school did what it always did when it had staff problems and Flanders was back as Principal. Honestly he was a fine choice. He taught good christian lessons, which was exactly why he got fired last time. Still parents weren't exactly the best teachers. Professor Frink's stuff just went over the kid's heads. Jasper got his beard stuck in the pencil sharpener. Moe was fired for teaching kids how to deal with people for "Dissing your fly girl" and pulling out a shotgun at the school. Gabe Kaplan was one of our substitute teacher. He was a retired poker player and he was kinda cool. Mom ended up teaching my class to my embarrassment. I finally decided to help, so I locked and Skinner in the Principal's office to talk to each other. The solution they came up with turned out to be to use some of the school rooms to house convicts since Springfield Penitentiary was overcrowded. Naturally they wouldn't allow this while there were students there so school was cancelled until they could get back the money to keep going. Nothing short of striking oil would make that happen.

-Do the Bart Man: The unauthorized biography of Bart Simpson

I got sick. There was a jagged piece of metal in my Krusty-Os and I ate it. I was rushed to the hospital. I hated doing it, but we had to sue Krusty. I got this cool scar from where my Appendix was taken out that I liked to show off to my friends.

-Do the Bart Man: The unauthorized biography of Bart Simpson

It was while Bart was in the Hospital that I found Bleeding Gums Murphy. He didn't tell me he was sick. I wasn't worried about Bart. If he was alive in the future, he wasn't going to die now. I didn't know what would happen to Murphy. He had spent all money from his only album Sax on the Beach. I spent more time with Murphy. He gave me his saxophone for a performance to raise money for the school. It went great. I ran back to the hospital. That's when I got the news. Bleeding Gums Murphy had passed away. Not very many people showed up at the funeral. The family came and so did . He was Murphy's brother. They had a third brother living in Shelbyville. They'd been separated at birth. The death hit hard. There was also a woman named Vela Murphy, apparently his ex wife, his nephew, Allison Taylor(Who he'd also been giving Saxophone lessons too after I introduced them), Carl Carlson, and Drederick Tatum.

-Moaning Lisa, the Autobiography of President Lisa Parkfield.

OBITUARY-OSCAR "BLEEDING GUMS" MURPHY

Oscar Murphy learned how to play the blues from legendary blues player Blind Willie Witherspoon. Despite Witherspoon's prolific career, he never had a major hit record after 30 years of playing Jazz. His old age had impacted his ability to perform and he would occasionally forget his saxophone and bring an umbrella instead. Witherspoon passed away on August 19, 1959. In his adulthood, Murphy married Vela, a Jazz Singer. While the two divorced, she would still use his last name in a professional capacity as Vela Murphy. She was known for her tiny voice, resulting in the nickname "That Big Lady with the Little Voice." Her songs included Walking Ugly, Too Bruised to Crouch and Get Off My Lap, Jack!" Oscar Murphy in his Bleeding Gums Persona had one album to his name, Sax on the Beach. Murphy would waste the money from the album, largely to buy a Fabergé egg. As it happened he would only have one hit. Shortly afterwards he appeared on the Tonight Show when Steve Allen was the host. Allen ignored him to blatantly advertise his books including How to Make Love to Steve Allen, Happiness is a Naked Steve Allen, Journey to the Center of Steve Allen, and The Joy of Cooking Steve Allen. All Comedic in subject matter. Murphy remained somewhat popular despite his lack of another hit. He appeared on The Cosby Show as the Huxtable children's grandfather in 1986. Eventually he faded into obscurity, though he would begin to rise again, performing songs written by Lisa Simpson at the Springfield "The Jazz Hole' club. The lyrics received mixed reviews even from the Simpson family as they sharply critical towards Bart and Homer Simpson and only mildly critical towards Marge Simpson. With a boost to his popularity, he would be chosen to sing the National Anthem at a Springfield Isotopes Game. It ended up bring 26 minutes long and was a disaster, leading him to never be invited to do so again. He did get a job as a judge on a talent show and was among those to sing "We're sending Our Love Down the Well". He had gained another pupil aside from Lisa Simpson in Allison Taylor. Prior to his death he hosted a party. His brother Hibbert Carl Carlson and Drederick Tatum are among those known to have been in attendance. He was the subject of an episode of Before They Were Famous.

"So I won$100,000 from Suing Krusty, though what sucked is mom and Dad only let me keep$500. It had to be used to pay Lionel Hutz. I was going to use it to buy a pog with Steve Allen's face. Remember Steve Allen? he's back. In Pog form. Anyway it turns out the Comic Shop Owner owned a copy of the really rare Sax on the Beach. Bleeding Gum Murphy's only album. So I bought it for my sister."

-Do the Bart Man: The unauthorized biography of Bart Simpson

The Radio Station wasn't going to take the signal very far, but then, as if some miracle, lightning struck the radio antenna and everyone around Springfield heard it. Bart didn't believe me when I told him that I saw the face of Bleeding Gums Murphy in the Clouds and thought I heard him say thank you for making an old Jazz man Happy. I sat down and played Jazzman one last time as the cloud faded away.

"Attention All Units! Attention All Units! Poison Gas Cloud heading for-"

Chieg Wiggum sat in his car outside the Kwik-E-Mart, eating his donut and sipping his coffee. Jazz began to play on the police radio. He had the window down. His eyes widened and then he relaxed.

"Ah that's nice."

He looked outside the window. There was a green gas moving outside like Smoke.

"Hey it's getting cloudy."

The gas entered the police car. Wiggum began to cough. He realized what was happening.

"oh boy."

He fell forward onto the steering wheel. A loud honk emitted and continued. He stopped moving.

The next Day.

CLANCY WIGGUM FOUND DEAD. VICTIM OF POISONOUS GAS CLOUD.

"Apu was the one that found the body. No one knows where that poisonous gas came from. I suspected Burns but I couldn't prove anything. I mean he tried to kill us with that creepy inside out gas, so this wasn't something he was above using. The Geneva Convention outlaws Chemical warfare. I guess Burns didn't."

-Do the Bart Man: The unauthorized biography of Bart Simpson

"Well you see, it was after Homer and I went to an Orchestra Performance. We passed by the seedy part of town. Homer got cheated out of #20 by that criminal. I exposed him and he ran for it. I don't know what happen but adrenaline kicked in and I chased after him. I knocked him out with a garbage can lid. I enjoyed it. Normal life seemed boring. That's when I decided I wanted to become a Cop. The training Video was a cartoon starring Sniff McGriff the Crime Dog. It was fun at first but most of the Springfield citizens broke the law, especially the Stonecutters since they could just get out scott free. I even had to confront Homer about illegally parking i na handicap spot. I arrested him but he was immediately let out. I caught him at an illegal poker game and had to chase a criminal to save him when he was taken hostage at Bart's treehouse. I caught some of the police force trying on counterfeit jeans and reported them. I decided I would change the Police Force. Homer supported me and soon we started making a difference. Rules became stricter. There weren't that many police in the town. It wouldn't take long for me to begin to make my way towards becoming Police Chief.

-Marge Simpson Police Interview.

"I was taunted by kids from Shelbyville. Grampa told me about how Springfield had an old rivalry with the town since Jebediah Springfield and Manhattan Shelby came to the area and fought over cousin marriage, which was what Shelbyville wanted. This town wasn't so bad. Good friends. Lots of Lemons. Multiple angel sightings. When you get down to it. Springfield was a great place to live. The kids from Shelbyville didn't think so. Those Shelbyville boys stole Springfield's lemon tree. So I led a team of me, Milhouse, Nelson, martin, Todd and Database to get the tree back. We found it in at an impound lot where the leader of the gang lived. We got our dad's to help out with Flanders's RV. We decided on a trojan horse strategy. We parked the RV outside a hospital and it got were hiding inside. When it was night we came out and stole back the RV. We tied to the Lemon Tree to the top. I almost got lost but in this one part with roman numerals, fortunately I found the write door. I used the Rocky movies. They use Roman Numerals. There were seven doors and Seven Rocky Movies at the time, ending with Rocky VI: Adrian's Revenge.

After we got the tree back, Grandpa started telling stories about us, the Heroes of Springfield. Milhouse and I drank Lemonade and a lot of sugar. The Shelbyville kids got stuck with turnip juice instead.

-Do the Bart Man: The unauthorized biography of Bart Simpson