" So we were were rich. We had a new house. You'll never believe what it was. It was the Burns Mansion. I was its legal owner thanks to the Will. Don't worry they checked it for booby traps. Someone had killed all the clones in the basement before we even got there. May have been. So yeah we moved in. Well we had to wait until the Will was cleared up but still. It's ironic. Well we decided to go to Ogdenville for some shopping. Marge bought a $2800 Chanel suit on sale for $90. She then met an old classmate at the Kwik-E-Mart and got invited to the Springfield Country Club. Marge had a hard time fitting in but at least with all our business ventures she could keep up appearances. Sh even got gold lessons from Tom Kite"

-Do the Bartman, the Unauthorized Biography of Bart Simpson.

"Our great aunt Hortense passed away. We weren't close but we attended the reading of her will. We each got a small amount. I'd open a checking account since as Burns's heir I now had a lot of money. Then I heard the news. Krusty the Clown was reported dead in a plane crash. I was heartbroken but then I thought I saw him. Lisa and I investigated. We found hims working as a fisherman under the name Rory . Krusty's tax problems finally caught up with him. We decided to hide the fact that we knew he was alive, allowing him to live the quiet life he wanted. There was a tribute show to Krusty and his long career and he received a tribute at the next Oscars. Fortunately, his father was one of the few people he had told about his survival, even if he wasn't happy about it."

"Krusty the Clown was dead."

-Do the Bartman, the Unauthorized Biography of Bart Simpson.

"A Noble Spirit Embiggens The Smallest Man."
-Jebediah Springfield

Springfield was celebrating its Bicentennial on February 18, 1996. I had to write an essay on Jebediah Springfield, the town founder. There was an upcoming celebration. Dad was up for becoming the town crier since he had the best performance. The Stonecutters put their resources in getting Homer into the role. He had been cleared of killing Burns and everyone liked him in the role more than Flanders. It also helped that it used to be his job to entertain when he was a mascot. So he a little too happily grabbed Flanders's heirloom hat and bell. I started researching Jebediah Springfield, so I headed to the town's historical society for research. I was given access to his possessions. Inside his Fife, which is kind of like a Piccolo, I found a confession. What I discovered shocked me and everyone in Springfield.

Jebediah Springfield was actually notorious pirate Hans Sprungfeld, who in 1796, tried to assassinate George Washington while he was having his portrait done by Gilbert Stuart. He escaped and took a piece of the portrait of Sprungfield with him. He also called the people of Springfield "half wits". I tried to tell the people but they didn't believe me. I got an F on my essay. They said It was "Dead white male bashing by a PC thug. I kept doing research and learned that he apparently had a silver tongue. I was able to convince the Government to open up his tomb. We pried open his coffin and

There it was.

The Silver Tongue. The Museum curator, Hollis Hurlbut, had to confess that he had suspected what I had discovered but had chosen to hide it. He decided that it was wrong to celebrate a pirate. So we decided we would reveal the true story of Jebediah's life. The next morning I addressed the crowd with the Curator, Hurbit and we prepared to reveal the truth. "Jebediah Springfield was…"

I thought for a moment. I saw everyone watching me intently. They all seemed inspired by the story of Jebediah Springfield. I didn't know this at the time but Mayor Quimby has hired a sniper up on one of the roofs. He was waiting to see what I did. If I told the truth he'd fire. If I didn't he wouldn't. There's an old movie called The Man Who Shot Liberty Valance, and its about a man who pretends to have killed a vicious outlaw so he can inspire people. I remembered one line from that film. "This is the West, Sir. When the legend becomes fact, print the Legend."

With that thought in mind I sighed. Breathed in and finished my sentence.

"…A Pirate."

There were gasps. Some people rolled their eyes or looked away. They probably had heard of what I'd been saying before. Some people were there when I tried to tell people. I pulled out the proof.

"I have here a written confession and the silver tongue of."

And then…that's when it hit me."

-Moaning Lisa, the autobiography of Lisa Parkfeld.

"I saw the bullet hit Lisa.

I scanned the crowd before she came on, I used my Shining and I picked up on that intent to kill…somewhere. I didn't know where. I tried to get dad but he was in the Crier role and couldn't reach him. I went to mom instead. She was working as a Cop again after all the Burns stuff was settled. Mom climbed up to the rooftops. She had this idea that any sniper would need to get a high vantage point and wouldn't risk firing on anyone that wasn't their target. That's when we spotted him. Mom charge at him and tackled him just as he fired. The bullet hit Lisa in the shoulder. There were screams and panic. Mom struggled with the assassin. She had police training but in her head she didn't know if she could have beaten the guy in strength, so she instead pushed him off the edge during the fight. The assassin fell off the roof. It wasn't far but people saw him fall, including the police, and since he was still holding the snipe rifle. He was quickly jumped on. It was Dad that charged him. While everyone was panicking. Dad was angry that someone tried to kill his little girl and it didn't take a genius to figure out what had happened when that man fell off the roof. So Dad began beating him. He had to be pulled off him."

-Do the Bartman, the Unauthorized Biography of Bart Simpson.

(Lisa opens up part of her shirt to reveal a patch of skin healed up). "And there it is. I walked with a cane for awhile. Everyone was surprisingly nice to me after that. I wasn't even President yet and I already had an assassination attempt done on me. "

-Interview with President Lisa Parkfield.

"Dad lost his shit. The Assassin talked and guess what? Mayor Quimby had hired him. Dad immediately demanded the police and even the Stonecutters arrest Mayor Quimby. Quimby was arrested. He was now the most hated man in Springfield given Burns's death. Lisa had taken him down, then put him back in power to stop Bob, and now he tried to her killed as gratitude. Well Lisa wasn't little anymore but the news got her age wrong, though it made him seem more of a monster. One time, the media lying about something actually helped out case.. President Clinton made a statement on the assassination attempt. He had played Saxophone with her during the scandal in Washington Lisa had helped expose that congressman Arnold. He even visited her in the Hospital and they played Saxophone together."

-Do the Bartman, the Unauthorized Biography of Bart Simpson.

The Stonecutters practically fell apart after that. Number One stepped up in front of everyone.

"Homer has shown himself to be a heretic. Since he became leader of the Stonecutters we have lost members, many have been slain by his own hand. No 29, No 85. We have also seen the death of No 50 and the faked death of No.36. His own father No. 111 has disappeared. I believed like us all that he was the Chosen one, but I was wrong. He is the Antichrist."

"You know they had names."

"..What?"

"They were not numbers. Their names are were MacDougal, or Willie. Their names were Charles Montgomery Burns. Herschel Krustofsky, and Abraham Simpson. They are not numbers. They are free men."

Number One seemed to pause as if thinking.

"Ah. I see. You wish to begin the tradition of returning one's name to someone when they leave or die our organization. So be it. I propose we vote on this position."

No one responded. All gazed at Number One. He was confused.

"What is the meaning of this?"

"Look all of us know Homa. He's our friend. We care about him…And well….you didn't seem to care about him killing members of us before…until now he's threatening Quimby….there's no reason for you to care more…unless…you don't care about the people who died. You just care about losing that power."

From the glares Number One was receiving. It was clear everyone felt the same.

"Were you not hesitant to accept my orders when I did nothing? Yet you turn against me when I act the way you wish i had."

"That was different. Quimby tried to kill a kid."

"A kid that helped him get elected"

"That's too far."

"See the thing is. Most of us know Homer. We've known him all our lives. So…Yeah…We're willing to trade Quimby for him."

Number One became angry.

"How dare you! I am the founder of the Stonecutters. You cannot disobey me! I am the leader."

"No. Homer is the leader."

All the members turned to Homer at the end of the table.

"Homer put a finger to his mouth in thought.

"hmmm...:

Several members of The Stonecutters were grabbing Number One.

"What do we do with him?"

"If we throw him out he'd just reveal the whole conspiracy.

"I say we feed him to Willie. I always got a Vampire vibe from should see if a Vampire can fight a Zombie."

"No we're not doing that. I say we let him go."

"But Homer. He'll tell everyone about the Stonecutters."

"The FBI is looking into this. If they get Quimby to talk they could be brought back to us. So I think we should work with President Clinton. I mean we control the British crown right? Surely we're big enough to control the government too right?"

The Stonecutters looked around nervously.

"Actually…we…ummm…the song is kindof a lie."

Homer gasped.

"You lied to me...through song?...I hate it when people do that!"

" We ain't as powerful as we used to be. I mean our base is in Springfield. We did do all that stuff we said, but well we're losing a lot of power after Bush left office. He was the real power. Clinton doesn't know anything. We didn't expect him to win."

"Alright then we'll tell everything."

Everyone froze.

"We're blowing the lid on the whole Stonecutters."

A long bout of silence followed by Moe speaking first.

"Okay. He's gone nuts."

The Simpsons emerged from their house...or rather their mansion to hear someone yelling.

"Homer!"

From the gate. It appeared to be George Bush.

"You can't expose the Stonecutters!"

"Sure I can. I'm the Chosen One. I can do whatever the hell I want."

"I spent my whole life building that much power and you're just giving it all away!"

"Yeah well you shouldn't have trusted me with it."

Bush put his head down. The shouted back up to the window.

"Burns was right about you! I should've killed you when I had the chance! Of course I bet he wishes he did. Seeing you live in his house. You don't deserve it!"

Bush turned to leave. It seemed that it was over. Then suddenly, Bush's car came crashing through the gate. He began to drive around, ruining the lawn. Marge walked up to Homer. The entire family was there, including Mona.

"I think he's lost."

Homer's eyes narrowed.

"oh he's lost something alright."

Homer looked too Bart.

"It's time to hit him where he lives."

"His house?"

"Bingo."

The two had been walking through the sewers for awhile, having a long conversation.

"So I thought to myself. What would god do in this situation?"

Bart looked at the box: EDMUND SCIENTIFIC CO. LOCUSTS. He was enjoying this more than he should have.

"Locusts. It'll drive him nuts."

"It's all in the Bible Son…."

Bush suddenly leaped down from an open manhole cover, landing in front of them.

"For the last time Bush. The Stonecutters gotta go!"

"Not a chance in Hell. Besides your boy trashed my memoirs."

Homer looked at Bart.

"You didn't tell me you trashed his memoirs."

"It was an accident. He spanked me for it. I begged him to stop but he told me it was for the good of the Nation."

Homer turned to Bush. Angering boiling up in his eyes.

"Why you Little!"

Homer charged yelling. Bush did the same. The two collided. Bush was a war veteran. He jumped up on a pipe and swung his weight at Homer. Homer fell but through filth into Bush's eyes, tackling him again. Bush pushed him off. The fight continued. Both combatants exhausted. Bush reached for a small piece of his watch and pulled out a string, which he held. Ready to garrote Homer.

"Here's a little something we learned in the CIA."

Bart panicked. About to see his Father murdered. Thinking quickly he threw the locusts. The box opened and the Locusts swarmed Bush. Homer made a run for it.

Mikhail Gorbachev had arrived with his entourage at the Bush home. He knocked politely.

"Hello…."

It was then when he turned to see what was Bush and another man emerging from the sewers. Fighting. Bush was strangling Homer.

"I'll ruin you like a Japanese Banquet. I'll mount your head on my.."

"Bush."

Bush turned to see Gorbachev. Confused beyond anything. Bush looked at Homer and stopped himself. Cleaning himself off and walked towards Gorbachev. He held out a hand but then retracted it. Homer stood up.

"So you got some of your Commie friends to help you eh?"

Barbara Bush came down.

"George. Apologize."

Bush whispered to his wife.

"Barb. We can't show weakness in front of the Russians."

"George."

He sighed and went to apologize to Homer. Gorbachev said something in Russian to the men next to him that made them laugh.

And that was how the Stonecutters ended.

Unknown to Homer at the time. Number One. The former first member of the Stonecutters sat in an empty room. The first meeting of a new society was taking place and so far it was a failure, with only him. He was drinking alone when the bell ringed, indicating someone had just entered. George Bush stepped into the room.

"Is this the meeting of the Ancient Mystic Society of No Homers?"

Number One stepped outs standing in front of a giant banner depicted the crossed out face of Homer Simpson.

"The FBI investigated the Stonecutters. Given Bush Sr was a member of the CIA it was decided that it was unclear how much his at all they could be trusted.

Dad shocked us by announcing his confession to the murder of C. Montgomery Burns. The entire Stonecutters would be put on trial. Most of the members ran or faked their deaths like Krusty. Most burned their robes to hide the evidence they were ever members. So the trial became a case of whether Homer of Smithers was telling the truth. Both taking credit for the crime and both being there. Dad was doing the exact same thing Smithers had tried to do and lie to protect him. Homer: the Smithers.

-Do the Bartman, the Unauthorized Biography of Bart Simpson.

"The Day the Violence Died Is what people called it. For us the violence was only getting started.

I got to meet the Creator of Itchy & Scratchy. I'd worked at the company for awhile It was a huge honor. Well technically, he was the creator of Itchy the mouse, thanks to winning that lawsuit several decades back. Milhouse and I got to watch one of the original Itchy and Scratchy shorts from 1919, Manhattan Madness. Well we saw a copy. The actual film was in a museum somewhere. Well Roger Meyers Jr was now taking Lampwick to court because he didn't want to pay anymore. It didn't last long but the lawsuit made everyone afraid the show would be cancelled. Roger Meyers Jr even revealed that his father had cryogenically frozen himself. They prepared to unthaw him for the trial so he could testify…

So they unthawed him and….He was dead. He had died from the freezing process, which I'm pretty sure was the opposite of what freezing himself was supposed to do.

So that nixed that idea.

All because Roger Meyers Jr refused to pay $800 Billion dollars. Fortunately Lionel Hutz won that case. An animation Cel at the Android's Dungeon helped prove his claim. It was a losing battle for Roger Meyers Jr. Meyers Jr, made a passionate speech

"Okay, maybe my dad did steal Itchy, but so what!? Animation is built on plagiarism! If it weren't for someone plagiarizing The Honeymooners, we wouldn't have The Flintstones. If someone hadn't ripped off Sergeant Bilko, there'd be no Top Cat, Huckleberry Hound, Chief Wiggum, Yogi Bear? Hah! Andy Griffith, Edward , Art Carney."

It was odd that he mentioned Wiggum in there. I assumed he meant a cartoon character with the same name but something felt off mentioning a dead cop as if he was a cartoon character.

Despite the speech, It wasn't enough and the lawsuit was a blue the studio wouldn't recover from after all the troubles. I remember meeting Roger Meyers Jr after the fact when he made the announcement the Studio was shutting down.

" I hope you're happy, kid. The studio's bankrupt. You just killed Itchy & Scratchy."

Lisa and I tried to convince Lampwick to use his money to buy out Itchy and Scratchy, as he would receive royalties. He refused. We did find a legal precedent to bring back the cartoon. We rushed back, but found an announcement being made in front of the Itchy and Scratchy studios. It turned out the , the post office mascot, had been plagiarized from an original creation of Itchy and Scratchy studios. This turned out to be false, but what was surprising was who had brought the whole thing to light. To kids named Lester and Eliza. And they looked just like it. I think Lester's eyes were weirdly spaced out but the two seemed to be heroes. They had exonerated Apu for public nudity. Apparently he fell down the stairs while in a towel. It was weird. Usually we were the ones who did this sort of stuff.

Against my better judgement I went to investigate this Lester kid. I followed him home, and here was the shocking part. He was living in our old house on Evergreen Terrace. I thought I saw Lester leave as I entered the house. It didn't occur to me that I was breaking and entering. It was my old house and it seemed to be empty. That's when I saw Lester pass by the house and narrow his eyes at me.

That was…Creepy. He just kept going. I got out of there. Nothing seemed to come of it. He didn't press charges. There was this strange sense of dread. I started to think that Lester and Eliza were from another universe. Lisa did some study into stories of Dopplegangers. Apparently they usually signal death. Catherine the great saw a doppleganger of herself on her throne before she died.

"Lincoln saw one and his wife took it as a sign he'd die in office."

"And he went on to live a quiet and peaceful life and grow old right?"

Lisa gave me a look.

"I'm kidding."

We were now very scared of what the Dopplegangers could have meant."

-Do the Bartman, the Unauthorized Biography of Bart Simpson.

"Hello I'm Troy McClure. You may remember me from…"
-Common catchphrase to Troy McClure.

"Troy McClure was pulled over. Apparently he needed to wear glasses when driving but hated wearing them. He went to the DMV and well…while their he met Aunt Patty. The two hit it off when he bribed her to pass his eye test. He promised to take her to dinner and well the Paparazzi got em, so the story hit that Troy was seeing Patty. His agent thought it would be a great way to stage a career comeback. Troy told Patty as much but she was never looking for love and so she agreed since it meant it would make her famous. McClure even told Patty that even if their marriage was a sham, it was "the envy of every sham wife in town." So she agreed.

It was around this time Troy's career really started to takeoff again thanks to his starring role on Planet of the Apes the Musical, or as it was joking titled "Stop the Planet of the Apes. I want to Get off." The musical was a hit. With Troy starring…as the human.

Next McClure's agent tried to get him a part as McBain's sidekick in McBain IV: Fatal Discharge. He started to push Troy to adopt kids, but both Troy and Patty were uncomfortable with it and Troy had a bizarre fish fetish and a lot of other things that wouldn't have been received well if they became public. Patty said no to having a child. In the end McClure didn't star in that McBain movie, but he did get to star in his own film, The Contrabulous Fabtraption of Professor Horatio Hufnagel, produced by 20th Century Fox. "

-Do the Bartman, the Unauthorized Biography of Bart Simpson.

"While Aunt Patty was out with Troy McClure and Selma was having a girl's night and Skinner was trying to fit an error with the school, I made myself a fake driver's license. I told a bunch of my friends, Milhouse, Nelson and Martin, and we agreed to a road was a huge help in forging all this stuff to get us on our road trip out of the state. He made up this pretty solid story about the four of us traveling to a National Grammar Rodeo in Canada. We actually saw a lot of stuff on that trip. It was a surreal experience and one we'd never forget.

We went to the site of the World's Fair, in Knoxville Tennessee, Once we got their it turned out there wasn't much left. There was a park there and we listened to some music. There was also the Knoxville Museum of Art. We all bought wigs. Martin bought an Al Gore doll. He told us he was going to be the next President of the United States. He said he'd figured it out and it would only be by some mathematical error that he was wrong.

Everything seemed fine even if it didn't meet expectations.

Then the Sunsphere exploded.

We saw the thing fall. We all panicked and ran for cover. The thing nearly killed us. We got out, the impact kicked dust in the air. We found out that our rental car had been crushed. I looked around for the others and guess who I saw…the Dopplegangster, Lester, standing some distance away holding something that looked like a detonator. He ran off. I would have chased him but I needed to find my friends. They were still buried in there somewhere.

I found them and we regrouped. We ran, thinking that we'd be blamed for what happened. Everyone was freaking out and I finally talked to everyone about the Dopplegangster, Lester. I told them I didn't want my fiends being put in danger for me. They could have been killed with me. I put a collect call to Lisa. On her advice, we became couriers. None of our assignments were near Springfield. It became clear we wouldn't make it back and we still didn't want to tell our parents. Lisa told Dad. He was mad but promised not to tell Mom. He did come up with the idea that saved the day. He placed an order from a product in Knoxville in stock and me and the boys snuck back in as it was being delivered, hiding inside the crates. We made it back just in time. Mom never found out. I was sure we lost the Dopplegangster. I didn't see him again for awhile after that. I wasn't sure how he knew where we were going but I think he lost us in Tennessee.

-Do the Bartman, the Unauthorized Biography of Bart Simpson.

"So…People wanted me to talk more about Patty and Troy. I don't have much to say. I knew Troy from the movies and I loved the Planet of the Apes Musical. I mean I get why, but I don't have much to say. I guess you want me to say something about how "They seemed so happy. No one could have ever guessed how it turned out, but that's what they all say."

-Do the Bartman, the Unauthorized Biography of Bart Simpson.

"So yeah I introduced them. Do I regret it…No. They seemed very happy. They always seemed uhh…well balanced. The way it ended is…just tragic…."

-MacArthur Parker interview on the Anniversary of Troy McClure's murder.