It was a beautiful day in Springfield, when Waylon Smithers stepped onto the sidewalk. Mumbling to himself a soft song, humming to the tune of Hooray for Hollywood. His clothes were disheveled.
"I work for Monty Burns. Muh-muh-muh-muh-muh-muh-muh Monty Burns. I wuh-wuh-wuh-wuh-wuh-work for Monty Burns."
It was a song he used to hum every day. As he stumbled onto the street a limousine slowed beside him. The back of the car came down to reveal a woman's face.
" . May we offer you a ride?"
"No thank you."
He mumbled the words. The Limousine did not stop and in fact kept following him.
"We're from Globex Corporation. We'd like to talk to you about an employment opportunity in our nuclear division."
"Flattered but spoken for."
"We're prepared to offer you an impressive salary, plus health benefits for you and your life partner."
Smithers fired back.
"The Answer is no! What's wrong with this country? Can't a man walk down the street without being offered a job?"
"Sir. You're going to want to speak to the boss."
The Door to the limo opened inviting Smithers to sit with someone inside. Smithers sighed and entered. Smithers didn't recognize."
"I was expecting someone else."
"The Boss speaks through me."
Smithers noticed there appeared to be an earpiece sewed into the side of his head. The implication that the statement was literal terrified Smithers.
"So…Smithers. Long time no see. How've you been doing since Monty kicked the bucket?"
"Not well Hank."
"I'm sorry to hear that. Say did they ever find out who shot him?"
"I did."
"Sure you did. Look we both knew that with how much shady shit Monty was into something was going to come back to bite him in the ass."
"Maybe the same thing will happen to you one day."
"I appreciate your concern, really I do, but Smithers. I gotta ask. Why didn't you come to me? I've been trying to get you to come work for me. You clearly need it I mean look at you. Last I heard you went to the hospital for a bee sting."
Smithers was close to sobbing.
"I lied. I'm not really allergic to bees. I just took a capsule to make myself sick. It was supposed to get me transferred to a hospital were I could escape."
"Well I'm glad you're ok, but why won't you come work for us?"
"I only hanged onto Monty because I loved him, and because he knew my dad. I've had enough. I know what horrible things you get up to."
"Fine then. Don't come work for me if you feel strongly about it, but there is something I need you to do for me."
"Oh yeah, what would that be?"
"We've both seen the projections, Springfield is most likely to be attacked. They know where you're chosen one lives so why not give him to me."
"How do we know you won't just use him as a hostage against the rest of the Stonecutter's"
"That's the neat part. You don't. But you know you can't protect him any better than I could. Besides you have to hate him. I'm sure you do. Just as I'm sure he had something to do with killing . You must hate him for that. I can make it so that he moves to a place I control. The rest of your secret club don't have to know. I'll make it discreet.
"Marge! I got a new job. It's from Globex Corporation. I get health benefits for me and my life partner…That's you! They'll move us. Give us a nice house and.."
"Move us?"
"It's in Cypress Creek."
"You took a new job in a strange town without discussing it with your family?"
"Of course not. I wouldn't do that!…Why not?"
"We have roots here, Homer. We have friends and family and library cards... Bart's lawyer is here."
"Yeah and the Stonecutters said their protection was stronger here." Lisa chimed in.
"But, Marge, this is a chance for me to fulfill my lifelong dream."
"What lifelong dream?"
"Promise not to laugh?"
Everyone nodded.
" I always wanted to own the Dallas Cowboys."
Bart and Lisa did laugh. Lisa composed herself quickly.
I'm sorry, Dad. I just find that very cute.
Herb and Hugo did not laugh.
Marge wasn't happy.
" I've dug myself into a happy little rut here and I'm not about to hoist myself out of it."
" Just bring the rut with ya, Honey."
He revealed a videotape.
"Here I'll show you."
He slipped in the video and it began playing.
"Cypress Creek: The Tale of One City".
Homer groaned.
"Ugh, let's watch something else."
"Homer, you're trying to talk us into moving to this place."
"Oh, yeah, that's right. Let's watch this."
The Promotional Video depicted a crappy neighborhood, then a magical wave swept through the neighborhood. Parking meters became trees, decrepit buildings were transformed into coffee shops and store fronts and a homeless person vanished to be replaced by a box of soap.
" Cypress Creek: where dreams come true."
A faint spoke words quickly.
"YourdreamsmayvaryfromthoseofGlobexCorporation,itssubsidiariesandshareholders."
The Video ended.
"Well, what do you think of me and Cypress Creek now, Marge?"
"It does seem nicer than Springfield."
"So we were moving. We didn't want to lose the Burns Mansion, but we decided to sell the old Evergreen Terrace House, it may have been free of any dimensional rifts but there were too many unpleasant memories in that old place. We tried selling it. Otto was impressed it had windows. Apu on the other hand…"
" Hello. I am not interested in buying your house, but I would like to use your rest room, flip through your magazines, rearrange your carefully shelved items and handle your food products in an unsanitary manner. Ha! Now you know how it feels! "
Apu did so and walked out. Homer let him do so out of their old friendship and shouted to him as he left.
"Thank you. Come again."
Ned came over.
" Uh, huh-huh... Homer, ah... About those things you borrowed from me over the years, you know, the TV trays, the power sander, the downstairs bathtub... You gonna be... needing those things in Cypress Creek?"
"Yes."
"Oh. Uh…"
"Okily dokily…"
"Okily dokily!"
Homer knew how to deal with Flanders.
"I couldn't sleep one night. As he snuck downstairs for a midnight snack, he noticed Hugo was gone from his room. It was next to his and the door was open.I was scared at first but then I realized he may have ran off and had an idea of where he may have ran off to.
I found him at 742 Evergreen Terrace. I sneaked out there. I decided against waking Lisa. When I got there I found Hugo sitting on a hill overlooking the block, looking at the house. I spoke to get his attention. He turned to me.
"Hey. What's up?"
"Can't Sleep. Clown's'll eat me." I joked.
" I usually do the Eating, but Clowns don't sit right with me. They taste funny." Herb responded.
I sat next to him.
"I'm gonna miss it. It was a hellhole, but it's all I've ever known."
"Yeah I've known it for awhile too, but what I don't get is, you were tortured in that place, wouldn't you never want to see it again?"
"I am never going to see it again after tonight. I can still see them in there, laughing at me."
"Well at least the house is empt…"
The kitchen lights turned on.
"Ty…"
Hugo stood up and his face changed only a little, more determined with tranquil fury than scared or surprised. I was panicking.
"They're back!"
"Not for long."
I looked at Hugo with fear.
"Hugo? What did you do?"
"When I was staying in that house I memorized when they would leave and when they came back. I could hear their footsteps when they arrived. So with a little help. I left them a surprise in the fridge."
Inside the House. Eliza was playing the Clarinet. Mona was taking a bath and falling asleep. Lester had rigged a beer can to explode by shaking it. He was watching his father pick it up and open it, waiting for the moment. When he saw the hand reach he jumped out.
"April Foo…!"
The House exploded.
Bart stood shocked.
Lou and Eddie stopped in their car.
"That sounded like an explosion at that old Simpsons place."
"That's 2 blocks away."
"There appears to be Beer coming out of the Chimney."
"I'm proceeding on foot don't wait up for me."
Five bodies were discovered. One of them was a baby. Smithers watched over the undead WIllie burying the corpses.
"Ah, still think I shoulda eaten em, they'd be good in a stew."
Smithers was nervous that if Willie had a taste for human flesh then he'd become a mindless Zombie, or worse a smarter flesh eater. His phone rang and he picked it up. A familiar voice answered on the line.
"See it all worked out. We'll blame the explosion on the aliens. So everyone thinks your little golden boy is dead. It'll be easier to keep him safe that way."
Smithers sobbed a bit.
"You killed a baby."
"Some weird doppelgänger baby…Not a real baby. Just sayin'."
"When you're looking at their corpses. It's hard to tell the difference."
"Try not to think about it."
"How can I not think about it?"
"I told you I would permanently take care of your doppelgänger problem. What did you think I meant?
"Not this?"
"Well I don't what to tell ya, Smithee. You should've seen this coming. You worked for Burns for how long?"
"My whole life."
"Was it well spent?"
Smithers didn't have an answer.
"Working for me will be, because let me tell you if I hadn't done that they'd have kept being a problem, kept trying to kill the Simpsons and eventually they would have. Trust me. It's better this way."
Smithers hanged up and looked back down at the bodies, now being buried under the house.
Homer drove away, taking one last look at Springfield.
"I'm gonna miss Springfield. This town's been awfully good to us."
The rest of the Simpsons didn't say anything. Hugo was the only one happy to be leaving. Bart on the other hand felt dirty and ashamed with what he had witnessed. Not sure what to make of it.
And with that the Simpsons drove away.
"It says here, one of these giant redwood trees can provide enough sawdust to cover an entire day's worth of vomit at Disneyland."
Lisa read from the Cypress Creek brochure. They had been impressed with what they'd seen and the town was well protected it seemed with large military style equipment, making the family feel that they would be better protected. Their new home was 15201 Maple Systems Road. The house was bigger than they imagined and could've afforded. The living room was the size of the first floor of their house. There was a knock on their door. A man carrying a giant gift basket entered, putting it down.
"I'm here to welcome you on behalf of the President of the Globex corporation…Me!"
Standing there was Hank Scorpio, Globex's President.
Homer gasped.
"Wow, my boss."
" Don't call me that word. I don't like things that elevate me above the other people. I'm just like you. Oh, sure, I come later in the day, I get paid a lot more and I take longer vacations, but I don't like the word "boss"."
He pointed to his feet.
"Hey, look at my feet. You like those moccasins? Look in your closet; there's a pair for you. Don't like them? Then neither do I!"
Hank threw them behind him and they flew quite a distance.
"Get the hell outta here!"
He turned back to them and shrugged.
"Ever see a guy say goodbye to a shoe?"
Homer chuckled.
"Yes, once."
Marge stepped forward.
"Mr. Scorpio, this house is almost too good for us. I keep expecting to get the bum's rush."
"We don't have bums in our town, Marge, and if we did they wouldn't rush; they'd be allowed to go at their own pace."
"Scorpio was nice to the family. He soon had to leave and promised to see us at work tomorrow, though he didn't like to call t work"
Marge went over everything.
"Okay, the oven is cleaning itself, the autovac's on dirt patrol, and Herb's… enjoying her Swing-A-Majig."
Herb desperately tried to reach the off switch.
" I can't believe it. I've done all my housework, and it's only 9:30."
Fortunately, Marge, while no longer a police officer, could at least fall back on her previous work the question now was what."
Hank guided Homer around.
"You will notice, my new best friend, that we are pretty casual around here."
"Yes, sir. I will notice that. Very casual, Mr. Scorpio."
"Would you mind hanging my coat up on the wall, please?"
"Mm-hmm. "
Homer took the coat and looked around.
"Hmm, uh, let's see…"
The floor was one big room with only windows.
"Um, uh, well, uh…"
Hank laughed.
"Relax, Homer. At Globex, we don't believe in walls. Matter of fact, I didn't even give you my coat."
"Mmm?"
Homer found that his hands were now empty. Hank was wearing his coat.
"Wow."
Homer and Hank exercised on the treadmill.
"You know, Homer. Globex was my lifelong dream, what's your lifelong dream?"
"Promise you won't laugh?"
"I promise."
"I want to own the Dallas Cowboys."
Homer said that like he was ashamed. He was expecting Hank to laugh but he didn't. Instead the gave a soft smile."
There's no shame in that Homer, and I'm not gonna laugh at you. They laughed at me the first time I wore jeans with a sport coat."
_
The door slid open to reveal Homer's workstation with three people working busily on computers.
"These gentlemen here will be your eyes and your ears, and should the need arise, they'll fill in for any other part of your body. Your job will be to manage and motivate them. Give 'em the benefit of your years of experience."
" Don't worry, that won't take long."
Hank and Homer stood with Hank talking.
" The key to motivation is trust. Let me show you what I mean. I want you to close your eyes and fall backwards, and I'll catch you. That's gonna show you what trust is all about. Ready?"
" Right."
"Three... Two... "
Hanks' phone rang.
"One second…"
Hank answered the phone. Homer did not stop himself and fell back. Hank looked at him
" Oh, my God, the guy's on the floor. Uh, that was a phone call; don't chalk that up to mistrust, now. Anyway bad news. Someone ate my lunch. I left it in the break room, it had my name on it and everything. I have to go. I'm gonna leave everything to you. We're on a tight schedule. You keep them motivated."
Hank left, leaving Homer confused.
"Are you guys working?"
"Yes, sir, Mr. Simpson."
"Could you, um... work any harder than this?"
"Sure thing, boss."
"Hey, call me Homer."
It was the first day at the new schools for the three Simpson kids. Bart found he fit pretty well.
"You got a fresh sound. It'll play well at this school."
"Hey, Bart, do you have a best friend yet? 'Cause I've been looking for someone to boss me around."
When it came to education, this was where problems arose for Bart.
"So, you never learned cursive?"
"Um, well, I know George Carlin's seven dirty words you can't say on TV, there's Shit and Piss and Fu…"
It wasn't long before Bart was sent to Detention.
"So, what are you in for?"
First was a boy named Gordy.
" I moved here from Canada, and they think I'm slow, eh?"
The other kid, Dot spoke next.
"I fell off the jungle gym and when I woke up I was in here."
Finally there was Warren.
" I start fires."
Lisa was out in nature, alone with her thoughts. Her very confused thoughts. Well not entirely alone. She had a Chipmunk.
"Hello, Mr. Chipmunk. You're a northern reticulated chipmunk. Yes, you are."
She booped its nose.
"You are so reticulated."
She looked at an owl.
"Hi, Mrs. Owl. You're out kind of early."
She wandered off, failing to see the owl grab and fly away with the chipmunk.
"Mr. Scorpio says productivity is up two percent, and it's all because of my motivational techniques. Like, donuts. And a possibility of more donuts to come."
Bart and Homer had stopped before "The Spend Zone" a sports themed collectible store. Bart picked out a baseball.
"Wow, a baseball made out of Secretariat!"
Homer picked something out.
"Tom Landry's hat, and it's autographed. "To Berman's Dry Cleaning. Best wishes, Tom Landry."
Bart looked over to Homer.
"Why don't you buy it?"
"I can't buy that. Only management-type guys with big salaries like me can afford things like that…."
Homer gasped
"Guys like me! I'm a guy like me!"
Homer was wearing Tom Landry's hat while coaching his team. His team was exhausted. Homer had an idea, to get them hammocks. To get this approved he'd have to see the boss.
"Uh, hi, Homer. What can I do for you?"
"Sir, I need to know where I can get some business hammocks."
Hank's eyes widened and he slapped his forehead in realization.
"Hammocks? My goodness, what an idea! Why didn't I think of that? Hammocks! "
Hank put his hand over Homer's shoulder.
"Homer, there's four places. There's the Hammock Hut, that's on third."
"Uh-huh."
"There's Hammocks-R-Us, that's on third too. You got Put-Your-Butt-There?"
"Mm-Hmm."
"That's on third. Swing Low, Sweet Chariot... Matter of fact, they're all in the same complex; it's the hammock complex on third."
"Oh, the hammock district."
"That's right."
Hank's secretary messaged him.
" . They're ready for the linkup."
" Uh, Homer, one second. I gotta take care of this. Very important. Be right back."
"Fine."
Hank stepped into a room. The door locking behind him. On A screen was a map of the world which moved to reveal a giant viewscreen, appearing before the UN Staff.
" Good afternoon, gentlemen. This is Scorpio. I have the Doomsday Device. You have 72 hours to deliver the gold or you'll face the consequences. And to prove I'm not bluffing, watch this."
Scorpio pushed a button on a remote. An explosion occurred near the UN Building.
" Oh, my God, the 59th Street bridge!"
"Maybe it just collapsed on its own."
"We can't take that chance."
"You always say that. I want to take a chance."
"Hank stared in bewilderment.
"Collapsed on its own? You, sh... "
He regained his composure.
"You have 72 hours. See ya."
He logged off. Going off to meet Homer.
"Back to the hammocks, my friend. You know, there's a little place called Mary Ann's Hammocks. The nice thing about that place is Mary Ann gets in the hammock with you. "
He chuckled to himself.
" I'm just kidding."
"Oh"
"You know who invented the hammock, Homer?"
"No."
"That's something for you to do. Find that out."
Homer wandered around the complex ins earth of sugar for his coffee.. He was directed by a guard to a security door and behind it the inside of a mountain. The room was filled with machinery. Hank was inside, hoping to get the nuclear generator up and running by tomorrow.
"By the way, Homer, what's your least favorite country: Italy or France?"
"France."
Hank chuckled as he set coordinates to a giant laser.
" Nobody ever says Italy."
"Uh... you have any sugar around here?"
"Sugar? Sure."
He reached into his pockets and pulled out a handful of sugar.
"There you go. Sorry it's not in packages. Want some cream?"
Homer nervously looked down at Hank's pockets.
"Uh... I... no."
Scorpio addressed the British Spy strapped to the table before him, a laser heading towards his groin, cutting through the table.
"Ingenious, isn't it, Mr. Bond?"
" Scorpio, you're mad."
" Heh, I wouldn't point fingers."
" So, do you expect me to talk?"
" I don't expect anything from you except to die and have a very cheap funeral. "
Hank turned to leave.
" You're gonna die, now."
"Bond, slipped a quarter from his sleeve into his Hand. He flicked it at the laser and it, burned up. That plan had failed. The guards noticed this and walked over ti inspect. This was when Bond, having used a lock pick to free his other hand, grabbed the Guard and shoved him into the laser. He screamed as his body melted and was horribly cut. Bond grabbed the man's gun and shot his other hand free, slipping away and making a run for it, opening fire and gunning down the henchman, then making a run for it. As he ran into the hallway, Scorpio quickly spotted him and duck behind a glass shielding, the steel door being sealed behind him."
"Stop him! He's supposed to die!"
Bond ran passed Homer. Homer, without thinking, and the realization of what Scorpio just said barely sank in. Homer jumped at Bond, but Bond ducked and easily outmaneuvered Homer. Bond continued and reached the door, firing upon it and shattering the glass with the hail of bullets. Bond then hurled it and crashed through. Bond leaped through and landed before Scorpio, raising a pistol to Scorpio.
Looks like this Scorpion has lost its…."
"A Shot ran out."
Bond looked down. His shirt was bleeding with a bullet wound. He turned to look at Scorpio, who was holding a gun, slipped into his pants pocket. A look of acceptance came across Bond's face and he fell backwards.
Homer watched the entire thing with a look of horror. Scorpio got up and walked away towards the shocked Homer.
" Homer! I'm proud of you."
"But I…"
"The important thing is you tried."
Homer tried to say something. He'd seen death before but now the fear of Scorpio was creeping in.
"Well…"
"When you go home tonight, there's gonna be another story on your house. "
Homer chuckled nervously. Hank frowned.
That night Homer told his family what had happened.
"You have to quit."
"I know."
"Homie. I'm sorry you had to see that. How are you doing."
Homer snapped back with sarcasm.
"Oh, I'm doing great at my job! My team is way ahead of the weather machine and germ warfare divisions."
Marge stood up.
"Homer. We go where you go."
Homer stiffened up.
"I'm going to go talk to him"
The next morning with a sad face Homer walked up to his boss. It took all his courage to ask if he could quit. He didn't know if he would be allowed to or if Scorpio would kill him.
Then there was an explosion. The army was invading.
"WHAT'S GOING ON?"
Hank shouted back in a calm tone.
" I'M HAVING A LITTLE TROUBLE WITH THE GOVERNMENT!"
Homer summoned his courage.
"HANK MY FAMILY WANTS TO LEAVE."
"LET THEM GO. YOU'LL STAY HERE WITH ME, WE'LL GO BOWLING!"
A burning man ran by screaming as Scorpio, armed with a rifle opened fire along with his men.
" WHAT'S BOTHERING THEM?"
Home could barely hear him over the fighting between soldiers on both sides.
" NOTHING BIG. IT'S JUST A LOT OF LITTLE THINGS."
Homer shouted nervously.
"WELL YOU CAN'T ARGUE WITH THE LITTLE THINGS. IT'S THE LITTLE THINGS THAT MAKE UP LIFE."
Hank threw a grenade.
A voice came over the intercom.
"T minus 14 seconds."
Hank looked over to Homer.
"YOU'RE NOT LEAVING HOMER!"
"...WHAT?!"
"YOU DON'T QUIT GLOBEX. YOU'RE HERE FOR LIFE!"
"I'M LEAVING!"
'WHERE WILL YOU GO? THE WORLD'S BEING INVADED BY ALIENS OUTSIDE THE COMPLEX. HATE TO TELL YOU HOMER BUT THIS IS THE ONLY SAFE PLACE"
" WE CAN'T LEAVE?"
"NO BUT IF YOU NEED ANYTHING, YOU CALL ME."
"WHAT'S YOUR NUMBER?"
"I'VE NEVER HAD TO CALL MY OWN COMPANY. SOMEONE WILL TELL YOU UPSTAIRS. BUT , HOMER , ON YOUR WAY OUT, IF YOU WANNA KILL SOMEBODY, IT WOULD HELP A LOT."
Scorpio donned a flamethrower and leaped into the action, laughing maniacally as he burned the army men alive amidst their screams.
Homer ran, not wanting to get shot but hoping he and his family would get rescued.
Homer sat at the table, defeated with his family. No one said anything. There was a newspaper on the table.
'SUPERVILLAIN SEIZES EAST COAST."
It was from Springfield. Scorpio had gotten the Newspaper brought from Springfield.
Another Paper arrived.
France….All of France had been subjected to a devastating attack on par with several nuclear weapons. An estimated 56 Million casualties had been reported and that number was climbing.
Homer felt the guilt crushing him. Bart always wanted to go to France. He wondered what would have happened to him had he gone now.
The peaceful community they now lived in was a prison.
The doorbell rang. It was Hank.
"Project Arcturus couldn't have succeeded without you. This will get you a little closer to that dream of yours. It's not the Dallas Cowboys, but it's a start."
There was a whole football team on the Simpsons lawn.
The Denver Broncos.
Homer looked down at the Letter.
"Took Colorado. Met some small town resistance. Will take Texas next."
Horror sank in again at that statement. Finally after Hank's signatures were four final words."
"You only Move Twice."