Scorpio ran into the room, seeing Homer destroying the control panel with a wrench. His facade faded.

"Homer! What in god's name did you do?"

The exhausted Homer dropped the wrench.

"Now you need me."

He pointed to the broken panel

"You hired me because you needed someone with my know how. I'm the only one who knows how to run all this. I'm the only one who can fix it."

Hank kept his fists clenched but then seemed to admit defeat.

"Huh. You know the funny thing is I know you're playing me…but you're right."

Suddenly he perked back up in an instant.

"Unfortunately. I can't let this slide. So Homer…I like you…"

He put his hand on Homer's shoulder before turning serious.

"But you're going to have to be punished for this."

Homer took a punch to the face.

Then the three guys in the pit began to jump him and he took it all.

"Now Homah's one tough SOB. I once saw him take on three guys in a bar fight. He took a pool cue to the head. Man's got a thick skull. Now I useta be a boxer. So I heard through the Stonecutters grape vine that Scorpio had a plan to kill Homa. And by grapevine I mean Smithers told us. He was going ta quit but he decided to work as a mole for the Scorpion…or is it a mole in the Scorpion? Either way he was feeding us information, and Scorpio found out that Homah could take a hit to the noggin. So he started using him in underground fighting tournaments. Little of the side hustle. Since I useta be a boxer myself they brought me in to be his trainer. Things were fine until…"

- Moe Szyslak.

_

"I'm sure Homah's a great guy, However I am going to make orphans out of his children."

"They do have a mother."

"Yeah, but I figure she'll die of grief."

Scorpio chuckled before Drederick Tatum, who he had just arranged to be released from prison.

"Look so long as he's not alive you've got a deal. Hell I'll event let you have some time with his wife to do that thing you just got out of jail for."

"That is tempting sir but I'm a changed man."

"Not afraid to hit below the belt I hope."

"Yeah I had to get Homer out. He could take a hit but Tatum's the champ. If Home did fight he probably would've died I the first round, so I arranged to get em out. He didn't wanna leave minge behind so I promised we'd get her out too and knocked him out with some Ether. We smuggled him out and back to Springfield. Problem is to do that. Someone had to take his place, dress up as Homa, shave this head and everything and that…was Barney."

-Moe Szyslak

"So here's the thing. After Dad got out he headed straight home. Unfortunately, the mansion was occupied, because well…Burns's son had been found. Now Burns had disowned his son, apparently he was an idiot, but with the Simpsons gone he was the last heir available so he moved into the house. Turns out he and Homer got along. Burns's son was conceived because of a one night stand. So, Larry and Dad were now roommates in the big old mansion with grandma moving in too."

-Do the Batman: The Unauthorized Biography of Bart Simpson

"Dad left us. It was hard not to see it that way, even though the Stonecutters got us out, but it was horrifying to realize that we were now trapped behind enemy lines. It was more horrifying knowing that outside there was a war going on. Of course inside the bubble at Cypress Creek we didn't get much. We got our chance though when an oil tanker exploded and Mom and I were part of the clean up crew.. Now as for Bart well…He was working in a more..unsavory district."

-Moaning Lisa: The Autobiography of Lisa Parkfield.

"Was dad faithful?…No…I don't think he was. I wasn't there. Milhouse was but when they were threatening to close down this burlesque house. Dad fought really hard to keep it open along with Larry. He even appeared there to prevent its destruction and got the place saved. In hindsight, he might have been using that place for something else since mom wasn't around. Of course I can't prove any of this. I only assume. Its just that by that time I heard that Milhouse's parents divorced "

-Do the Bartman: The Unauthorized Biography of Bart Simpson

_

"So…Dad had switched places with Barney. I respected Barney. I mean he made that beautiful film, and he was trying to overcome his alcoholism. What surprised me was that Scorpio accepted Barney as an employee and treated him nicely. He even had his family transferred in…oh yeah his family. I didn't even know he had one. Until we greeted them and Nelson stepped out. Yeah…that was a shock. It looks like Scorpio ran some DNA tests and found some relation. Nelson said his dad went out for cigarettes and never came back. We learned later that he died of an allergic reaction to peanuts shortly after leaving the Kwik-E-Mart, but we didn't know that then. I hate to say it after I thought I liked girl but well…Nelson became my first crush I guess, besides a boy's voice on a hotline. I tried sending him a valentine once but he though Milhouse sent it and the next thing we know Milhouse was being carried on a stretcher. I didn't try to reach Nelson after that, but now that he was in there and the only familiar face around my age that wasn't my family. We started bonding. "

-Moaning Lisa: The Autobiography of Lisa Parkfield.

Hurricane Barbara hit Springfield. The Hurricane had been delayed for about two years before shifting course suddenly. Bart suspected it had something to do with a weather machine, the kind of thing would come up with in Radioactive Man Comics. He thought that maybe Colossos redirected hurricane to devastate Springfield. I heard the Kwik-E-Mart was ransacked and Flanders's house was destroyed, along with our old house. Flanders and his family emerged from their panic room but their house was destroyed and so was the Leftorium which was shoplifted. Ned thought he was being punished like Job. This made him commit himself to a mental hospital therapy. He even met with , his old therapist. Turns out he was the son of Beatniks and Foster spanked him to get young Ned to behave. The town celebrated when Flanders was released, though some also wanted animator John Swartzwelder. I understood that, I worked with John on Itchy and Scratchy but he was really reclusive."

-Moaning Lisa: The Autobiography of Lisa Parkfield.

" A look of horror came over Mom's face one day. Springfield's annual Chili Cook off was coming. Last year Dad has made a fool of himself by getting drunk at the cook off. Now we weren't there to stop him from doing something. Sure enough he did. Homer always had a tolerance for hot food, nothing short of the Guatemalan Insanity Pepper would keep him down, fortunately no one brought any to that cook off. I heard he got drunk and hallucinated, before heading to a lighthouse. When I heard that I panicked. I sounded like he was going to kill himself. Rumor was that he was really depressed because he was missing mom. I think he might have been taking drugs..That was my theory when he saw the alien."

"Oh yeah the alien. Usually those kind of sightings get ignored, but there was an alien invasion going one, so when homer said he saw an alien they took him seriously."

-Do the Bartman: The Unauthorized Biography of Bart Simpson
_

Leonard Nimoy sat at a dark desk.

" Hello, I'm Leonard Nimoy. The following tale of alien encounters is true. And by true, I mean false. It's all lies. But they're entertaining lies, and in the end, isn't that the real truth? The answer...is no. Our story begins on a Friday morning, in a little town called Springfield…"

-Intro to the Episode of "In Search of…" discussing the sighting in Springfield.
_

Fox Mulder's world had been flipped upside down. He couldn't imagine how Scully was feeling. To be a skeptic so long and now be faced with the Government flat out admitting to the public aliens were real, and they'd murdered a US President. He'd gone from a back corner to a big office because the very people who denied aliens existed now had to admit what they knew to President Gore. Mulder guessed their own conspiracy was threatened by the invasion. Maybe it wasn't supposed to happen yet. Maybe the little gray men wanted to tell the Octopuses Earth wasn't theirs to conquer. It was a strange feeling to be vindicated but he wasn't feeling any better. That Damn Cigarette Smoking Man seemed to be following him everywhere and the worst part. He probably had official grounds to. Mulder heard from classified sources that Cancer Man was about to retire but just when he was out they pulled him back in.

Mulder and Scully were told that aliens were real. Mulder didn't even act shocked, but the interesting part was that they were to be given clearance to speak to captured aliens. The results were not what they were expecting. Scully was not taking this well as she could no longer bend over backwards to justify what she was free to study.

First there was Marvin. Yes, Marvin the Martian. There were rumors that Toons were real and living in a part of LA where the movie studios hid them before the Toons just shut the door on their way out. Someone had found a substance that could kill em. Next thing you know people were dipping' bullets in them and bam! The Toons shut the door and zipped it up. That's why there were all those reruns. Apparently some stayed behind. Mulder had seem some strange shit but he was lookin' at a toon. It was 2D. He walked around the creature he could only call Marvin and sure enough he had a body, but it still looked 2D. Marvin mentioned how he was an actor and the whole blow up the world thing was an act at first but then he really started to believe it as he saw how shitty the world was getting, so they locked him up in Area 52. Mulder and Sculler were sure he meant Area 51 but he insisted he had it right.

The next one was a robot. Mulder remembered reading about the incident in 1951. The Government had said it was an elaborate hoax, but a UFO did indeed land in Washington and a human looking alien was there with a robot. A robot like the one he was looking at. What he found interesting is he could command it. It moved very slowly and he was afraid to say anything beyond command it to move, but is could listen to him. The design was weirdly simple. No complete machinery visible and it was a grey color. Apparently they just found it like this.

The next Alien Mulder recognized. It was a Wookie. There was no other way to say it. It was a Wookie. Sound and everything. The sight of the creature didn't unsettle Mulder so long as he pretended it was a really convincing costume from the films. The sound was also perfect and Mulder was given X-Rays. Unfortunately, Mulder couldn't understand the creature and was limited in his information. He told Scully his theory that this creature had made his way to earth and somehow George Lucas had met it and been inspired by it. That had to be it.

The next one, like Marvin. Talked back.

"Hey ya. I'm Gordon Shumway, but you can call me ALF. I've been sittin' in this army base for 6 years. The Tanners must be worried sick. I don't even know if they told them I'm here, and I'm not getting dissected."

The creature had a somewhat phallic looking nose and looked to Mulder like it was made of wool or some kind of cloth rather than fur.

Finally, there was the Rigellian they had just recently captured. Mulder wasn't sure he could get anything out of it since stye were catching these Rigellians every battle. The other aliens were new to Mulder and they fascinated him. He did learn a few things like the Rigellians were at war with a bunch of other races and wanted to enslave Earth to build a giant cannon to use on their enemies. That was good news in a way. It meant the Rigellians were fighting a war on two fronts. Those usually didn't end well for the side stuck in the middle.

Then he got the call to go to Springfield. Sightings were quite common and were a cause of panic, but this was coming from Homer Simpson. The man who had been in the lair of Hank Scorpio and had revealed the aliens to the world. Mulder thought he should buy that man a Beer.

So Mulder and Scully sat down with Homer. He seemed nice if a bit odd. Looked unhealthy in Mulder's opinion. Mulder had been busy with the alien invasion, though took a break from the investigation to catch a serial killer but now he was back on it. It had been another dead end in regards to where his sister was. Scorpio's takeover had made a mess of things. But according to Homer, Scorpio's cannon could no longer work without him. They had a chance to take him out. All they had to do was take it. Mulder realized that if they could take that cannon and get Home to work on it. It could turn the tide of the war.

_

SCULLY: Now we're going to run a few tests. This is a simple lie detector. I'll ask you a few yes or no questions, and you just answer truthfully. Do you understand?

HOMER: Yes!

The Machine beeps erratically.

HOMER: huh.

SCULLY: What?

HOMER: I thought it was gonna explode.

SCULLY: Why?

HOMER: Because I lied. Like a lot.

SCULLY: Homer. Lie Detectors don't work that way.

Homer was running on a treadmill with electrodes attached to him. Mulder turned to Scully.

"Wait a minute, Scully. What's the point of this test?"

"No point. I just thought he could stand to lose a little weight."

"His jiggling is almost hypnotic."

"Yes. It's like a lava lamp."

Moe sat with hooked up the lie detector.

"Look I've been through this once before. I know the drill and I already told you everything I know ok."

"What about how you got the Killer Whale?"

"Oh yeah. That wasn't me."

"We heard you say from the other room. And I quote. "They're back to us. Get em back to Seaworld."

"Yeah and then the Killer Whale let out a really loud whelp and we got caught."

"Yeah…Killer Whales are loud, who knew?

"Now about those Stonecutter's."

"Oh that's not really a secret anymore. I mean Homah made us tell Clinton. We were a republican thing at first."

"Yeah but we didn't know, so how bout you tell me."

"And with that. The world knew about the Stonecutters."

-Do the Bartman: The Unauthorized Biography of Bart Simpson

"Well…Mom opened a Pretzel stand…which was a huge hit in Cypress Creek. It was a pretty small community so there wasn't much competition."

-Moaning Lisa: The Autobiography of Lisa Parkfield.

_

"So…a secret Informant…who may or may not be Agent Mulder. Leaked to the press that Scorpio's big world threatening cannon wasn't working and while the government knew this and had done nothing, public pressure was now on them to act and act they did. Cypress Creek was liberated. Sadly Hank Scorpio was nowhere to be seen when the raid happened, but Homer overheard that he may have fled into the mountains and that's where he went looking for him…alone. Yeah not one of his brightest ideas. Well Homer tracked Scorpio down. We think he overheard a communication about Scorpio's supposed location and went alone for revenge reasons. Scorpio was hiding out in a cozy cabin full of food and booze. They fought but all that noise caused an avalanche and trapped them inside. People started digging them out. We actually helped Smithers look. Homer was a hero for the information he provided in taking down Scorpio and pressure was on to save him. Homer and Scorpio stopped fighting when they realized they were trapped and eventually snapped and tried to kill each other. Then Scorpio accidentally set off the propane tank and there was a huge explosion, which got them noticed at least, unfortunately by the time they got there they only found Homer, Scorpio was gone. They never found his body. Which as we all know means he was absolutely dead and was never coming back….I'm not sure if sarcasm works when written."

"Yeah I know that seemed a little rush and might have been interesting to see but…..no I got nothing. It would have been fun to see…Oh well."

-Do the Bartman: The Unauthorized Biography of Bart Simpson

"So…Mom tried to jumpstart her pretzel business back in Cypress Creek in Springfield. It didn't do that well but then it started doing better. Dad had worked with the Mafia to try and smuggle things into Cypress Creek. So he ended up using the Mafia to…take care of the competition. Something Dad didn't agree to. They just…Took his words a certain way so…"

-Moaning Lisa: The Autobiography of Lisa Parkfield.

"Homer! Did you tell the mafia they could eliminate my competitors with savage beatings and attempted murder?"

" In those words? ... Yes."

Homer tried to defend himself.

"I saw your pouring your heart and soul into this business and getting nowhere. I saw you desperately trying to cram one more salty treat into America's already bloated snack hole. So I did what I could. I did what any loving husband would do! I reached out to some violent mobsters."

The next Day we expected the Mafia to come to our house. There was a knock on the door. Mom approached nervously and…It was Grampa in boxers."

" I had that dream again…"

" Oh, thank God, it's only Dad."

Homer shut the door. There was another knock. It wasn't Grampa. It was Fat Tony.

" Sorry we're late. Could we have the money now?"

Mom stood her ground.

" The answer... is no."

"I'm afraid I must insist. You see, my wife, she has been most vocal on the subject of the pretzel monies. "Where's the money?" "When are you going to get the money?" "Why aren't you getting the money now?" And so on.

"The Answer is still no."

We were expecting violence when who came but Edna, Mauda and Agnes, a couple of angry investorettes.

"Well, well, if it isn't Marge Simpson and her gangland cronies."

" Your goon squads certainly gave you the edge in the mobile snack business. But I'm afraid we've outdone you once again. Hiroshi, Yukio…"

Armed Japanese men emerged.

"Perhaps you've heard of the Yakuza - the Poison Fists of the Pacific Rim - the Japanese mafia."

" They'll kill ya five times before you hit the ground!"

The truth was that this wasn't about the Pretzel business. The Mafia and Yakuza were long time enemies and they were just looking for a time and place to ambush each other. This was about to be a bloodbath as the two groups faced each other. Mom looked at Dad.

"Homie, maybe we should go inside."

" But, Marge, that little guy hasn't done anything yet. Look at him."

A small man in a white suit stood as if ready, surprisingly calm.

" He's going to do something and you know it's going to be good."

Mom pulled him in and closed the door. There was a ninja style yell followed by the sound of a body dropping and the sound of gunfire and some slashing.

"Aw…"

The next thing we knew we were running. A body was thrown through a window. We fled the Burns Mansion. Larry was coming down with luggage as was Grandma and Grandpa. Mom looked at us.

"Looks like we have to move again."

The fact that three of the people we thought were our friends has employed the Mafia was starting to sink in. Maude and Edna felt like a betrayal, but Agnes also hit pretty hard. She was family. Her son was married to my Aunt. I thought about it. We had dissolved the Stonecutters, that might have been at least part of the reason, or was it just escalation. If the Mafia was involved then they had to fight fire with fire.

One thing was sure though. We couldn't go back to being friends with them after they hired people to kill us.

-Moaning Lisa: The Autobiography of Lisa Parkfield.