"Mom found out she was losing her hair. All the stress of what was happening finally hit her. Living under a supervillain would do that I. We were all back together and she was taking care of five kids. She needed a babysitter and one came. Bart and I were too old to really need one. Laura was no longer an option since we weren't in Springfield anymore. So then came the babysitter...I forget her name Cherry Boppins, or something like that This kind stereotypically dressed British Nanny, which we had to explain to Dad was a babysitter but British. Herb and Maggie loved her. They made up all these stories about going into magical lands with her. When she left, no one seemed to have noticed. We were all having too much fun flying kites and singing."
-Moaning Lisa: The Autobiography of Lisa Parkfield
The Itchy and Scratchy show was once more hitting a nosedive. It seemed to always be on the verge of being cancelled before coming back in some form or another. Well it was that time of year again. We weren't working on the show while living under a supervillain and we were two of the best animators on there. Meyers was determined to keep the show going, as it was his only money maker. Well while we were away and Homer was living in Springfield, they approached him. I mean he was a famous astronaut so they figured to make a character he could voice. We were back together in time for the premiere of Poochie and well…it bombed. You probably already knew that. Poochie did show up here and there in the future but was killed off. It wasn't dad's fault. The episode they killed him off was really badly made but it was at the request of Meyers. Dad knew they were going to do it and refused to voice it unless they went through with his own idea, so he ended up quitting and they hired a sound alike. A recording of Homer's original speech would surface years later and many people actually found it pretty touching and wish it was used
-Do the Bartman: The unauthorized biography of Bart Simpson
"So the family had moved to California. Dad had been working towards repairing the cannon Scorpio had threatened the world with to repeal the invasion. Now it was complete and he was spending more time with us as his family. Problem was that meant he could address the Elephant in the room. Dad was homophobic. He got it into our head to "Scare me straight" only problem is he didn't know how to do that. Then we met John Waters, and his impossible to draw mustache. I know. I've tried. You can't get it just right. You try to draw a line but it's just wrong. You have to make it a little squiggly. Anyway the alien invasion had targeted Hollywood and the celebrities that could had fled the sight of the battle between the aliens and the army. Waters's acting career had been put on hold and now he was selling collectibles. He's played Ted Bundy in his last film. Dad watched it and It helped convince him that Gays were serial killers. He made the connection between Waters being gay and Bundy being a serial killer."
Now we tried talking Dad to accept Waters but he wouldn't. We enjoyed his company, especially Bart, which made Dad think he was going gay when he started waring a wig and Hawaiian shirt. Dad took Bart to a steel mill to show him "manliness". Unfortunately, most of the workforce was gay….
-Moaning Lisa: The Autobiography of Lisa Parkfield
"We work hard. We play hard."
"And then everybody started dancing to "everybody dance now." It was fun. I didn't know Dad thought I was gay. Dad tried to take me hunting with Moe and Barney, but we decided against shooting a bunch of reindeer at a Santa's workshop place."
-Do the Bartman: The unauthorized biography of Bart Simpson
"Sideshow Bob was released.
Well ok. Technically it was a work release program…but still. He'd been declared reformed. I found this weird because he'd been in jail for three years after trying to kill Aunt Patty, but Reverend Lovejoy believed he was genuine. Bob was let into the custody of his brother Cecil, who was an engineer at the Springfield hydroelectric dam. I followed Bart. I still didn't trust him. Lisa and I found a suitcase full of money in his trailer. When we confronted Bob about it. He denied it. Turns out it wasn't him this time but Cecil. Turns out Cecil was passed over for being Krusty's sidekick and Bob stole it. Cecil was worried about someone hearing the gunshot, so he forced us into a room on the dam and then planned to blow it up. So Lisa and I worked with Bob and got out. Lisa and Bob dealt with the dynamite and I was the distraction. I got to grab the money and throw the suitcase over the Dam. Cecil was so pissed…anyway he then threw me off. Fortunately, I grabbed onto a part of the side. Bob came down himself with a chord and saved me. We were able to land and stay on a pipe before the chord was cut. The Dynamite was taken care of and the police were coming. Cecil was arrested. Sideshow Bob was questioned but eventually released. I'm glad too. We respected each other now. Our feud was over."
-Do the Bartman: The unauthorized biography of Bart Simpson
"They reopened the old Springfield Squidport. Mom and Dad went there, I guess as a courtesy even if we didn't live in Springfield anymore/ So we were left home alone. I'd babysat before and honestly we didn't need a babysitter, so it was just us with Herb, Maggie and Hugo."
-Moaning Lisa: The Autobiography of Lisa Parkfield
" 's Day, March 17th, 1997. I got drunk, I was 15 and got careless and basically ruined the parade in public. This started the town on a whole alcohol debate.
"Oh won't someone please think of the Children!".
"That's my best Jessica Lovejoy impression….You can't hear it but trust me it was good. Usually something like that wouldn't pick up steam but Barney Gumble, I guess because of his past demons, backed up the movement. It wasn't just a thing in Springfield, there was a whole new prohibition movement by President Gore, who was otherwise occupied by the war. Prohibition was returning and so was the Speakeasy. Moe started a Petshop that sold Booze. He'd even push a button and the two would switch back and forth. "
Dad got into the Alcohol business purely to support Moe, but the Mob had also gotten into the business and so Dad thought that since he'd deal with them, he could get some sort of protection for his family. Like if he did a service for them they'd drop the hit. I think they accepted it since the family did have money, and Marge decided to just pay the amount and have it over with. The Yakuza would still be a problem though, plus Dad had FBI connections, which made the Mob hesitant to do anything anyway. So Dad was a bootlegger. He found this pretty amusing way to do it. He filled Bowling Balls with Alcohol, put corks in, and then roll nothing but gutter balls. Then an officer from the U. Department was sent over, Rex Banner. Surprisingly Mom was alright with Dad being a bootlegger, since he was doing it to help his friends. Dad became known as the "Beer Baron". Then Banner started to really crackdown. Dad tried to make his own, and caused an explosion. Mom asked him to stop and he did. Eventually once things calmed down the law was lifted. Banner's job was done and he left town. The entire town celebrated in a toast done by Dad.
"To alcohol! The cause of... and solution to... all of life's problems."
-Do the Bartman: The unauthorized biography of Bart Simpson
"So….yeah….Skinner cheated on Aunt Selma….I mean looking at her I don't blame him but still. It was with Edna. Krabbappel. My former teacher and my former principal were found. Not sure by who, Martin or Ralph. The story got out of hand and the parents complained that they were having sex. Skinner denied this and said that he was a virgin. Everyone gasped but Selma supported this, saying that she and Skinner had never….well you know. The controversy started to die down after that…Who had ever heard of a 44 year old virgin. However, the damage was done, Selma filed for divorce."
-Do the Bartman: The unauthorized biography of Bart Simpson
"So I got my first credit card. I mean I was 15 now it was about damn time. Now obviously it wasn't a bottomless check book. It could run out and only my parents could refill it. I actually ended up using more of it on gifts for the family than on myself which meant my parents were more than happy to keep refilling it. Then I asked the family if we could have a new dog. We still had Santa's Little Helper and She's the Fastest, and we'd sold their puppies to our close friends and family, but Santa's Little Helper was getting old. He was 2 when we got him in 1989, and they live 10 to 15 years. So we bought a purebred Collie we named Laddie, to be a bit different from Lassie and because he was male. It turned out he lived up to the name and could do tricks really well. Soon the family loved Laddie."
-Do the Bartman: The unauthorized biography of Bart Simpson
"We heard that Larry Burns had to move town. It turns out that most of the Burns wealth took a hit in the 1929 Stock Market Crash and the funds had driven up. Burns's workers were too afraid to tell him. Larry's best friend was Homer and so he had no other company and left town. He sold the Burns Mansion to Bret Hart, and get this…Lenny was now running the Power Plant."
-Moaning Lisa: The Autobiography of Lisa Parkfield
"Things started to turn around for the family. Mom found out that she had a voice for radio, so she became a "Listen Lady" people would send her questions or problems and she would give advice. As for Dad well…get this. It turns out there's a Japanese Mascot called that by pure coincidence(literally he's a fusion of two companies, one had a lightbulb logo and one had a fish logo and they combined them to make a lightbulb with a face, that kind of looked like Dad). Dad fully embraced the look, shaving his head. He hadn't known it but he was already a bit popular in Japan as kind of an early meme of sorts from his picture when he had been an astronaut. He was even paid to come over to Japan a few times. He did his best to learn Japanese and started to get into it, mostly learning by watching anime with subtitles. It was rough at first. He'd shout things like "Sugoi!" "Subarashi!" Which most Japanese people found funny. Still he would get better."
So everything was going great. We were not living in Springfield, we were friends with a celebrity. Sideshow Bob wasn't trying to kill me anymore. We had a new dog. Mom had a job she was happy with. Dad was big in Japan(and some would say Big in general). Everything was going great.
Then came Frank Grimes.
Forget Mr. Burns, Forget Hank Scorpio. If it was anyone, Frank Grimes was Homer's Enemy.