Orcs, apparently.
I smelled the disgusting bastards before I spotted them. A sickening stench, a miasma of gore and sweat and hatred that surged downwind from the horde.
The stink was unbearable.
I followed it down road, stopping in front of the pack in revulsion and disbelief.
Like something out of Yharnam, a pack of wretched beasts, clad in a mishmash of armors and furs. Drums made of human bone and taut skin shimmered in the heat, and the wailing of the poor sons of bitches caught in their grip echoed down the road.
Before me was a horde of snarling orcs, ripping apart and devouring a train of merchants. Their carts and wares, along with their limbs and internal organs lay scattered across the road.
A howling scream echoed from the trees. A man's head sailed past my face, his eyes and mouth open in an expression of absolute terror.
I followed the trailing spatter of blood and locked eyes with a vicious looking bastard. He snarled in fury and roared, all bestial strength and hate.
Slowly I got off the horse, retrieving my Sawblade and guns. I slipped them into their holsters, and smacked the horse's ass. It didn't need any further encouragement. It took off like a shot, galloping back home.
I stretched out my arms, swinging the sawblade back and forth.
"Guess The Hunt never stops, eh?" I asked the snarling orc.
Its pupils dilated in response, black smothering red iris and sclera like a tidal wave. Fetid breath steamed from its mouth and the veins on its arms thickened, gorging themselves on a sudden rush of blood.
The orc charged forward suddenly, its mace of bone and sinew striking out at my face.
A sneer of triumph crossed its face, only to turn to confusion. It must have wondered why its stupid weapon lay broken at his feet and why its head stared at me at such an odd angle. That moronic expression of befuddlement is what its friend saw when I threw his head at its comrade. I extended the sawblade and pulled out a pistol, firing point blank into an orc's face.
I relished the spray of blood on my face, basking in the copper tang, the stink of cordite, the screams of rage and fear around me.
Diving away, barely avoiding the fireball aimed at my face, I tossed the spent pistol and threw a Psycho-Chem bomb at the mage's feet. It shattered, cloaking him and his friends in thin green mist. The beasts drank it in, nostrils flaring, tongues lolling.
The mage snapped first.
A sickening screech tore from his throat and he set the nearest three orcs on fire. With a snap of his wrist he conjured a great ball of flame, casting his comrades in a hellish glow. His friends were too busy killing and eating each other to notice the glowing ball of fire above their heads. The mage clenched its fist and the sphere exploded, blowing apart the heart of the horde.
I hadn't been sitting around watching this happen, mind you. I had quickstepped from one orc to the next, cutting them down in one instant and shooting another the next. My hands and face slickened with gore. Steel toed boots smashed guts and crushed skulls. Knives found themselves buried in green throats. I was in the zone now, that space a Hunter enters when he's mastered his art.
My body was a weapon, honed to perfection.
At least, until that lucky spear skewered my back.
I arched in agony, or tried to. It's rather difficult to bend when 3 feet of steel is sticking out of your chest. Pirouetting awkwardly, I brought my sawblade round, buried it in the offender's head.
Unfortunately my attention was elsewhere and someone decided to take advantage of that.
A glint of sun on steel was my only warning.
I thrust my arm out, protecting my face, and paid for it with the limb itself. Severed nerves screamed in agony as my forearm dangled, hanging onto the rest of my arm by a few strings.
Well, it wasn't like it was the first time it happened.
I head-butted the lucky bastard then clamped my jaws around his throat.
Blood and bile filled my mouth as I tore my jaw away. I spat the thing's throat out and pulled out the Blades of mercy. I twisted around, hacked off the rear end of the spear, then the front. Standing straight(er) now, I adapted a ready stance and glared at the remaining beasts.
They took one look at my blood soaked visage and bolted. The forests echoed with their terrified screams long after they had fled.
I kept up the wrathful gaze for a moment more before falling over, the shattered spear grinding into my bones and guts. I could feel the wood within splintering, burying slivers in my lungs. I breathed hard for a few seconds, wincing at the agony coursing through me.
My vision was darkening at the edges and I could feel my heart slow.
Blood.
I need blood.
I crawled forward, cursing my weakness, and clamped my jaws around the corpse of a fat merchant. Life had long since fled his body, but his blood was still warm when bit into his neck.
Once, even a few drops would have been enough. Insight made even the slightest meal a feast, a whole body an impossible excess.
To shove the spear out of my guts and reattach my forearm took three bodies.
And only humans.
Orc and horse and one stupid, unfortunate bird did nothing to stave off death and ease the pain.
By the time I'd finished draining the bodies the sun was low in the sky, its fiery edge tracing the tips of the trees, slanting through their branches with ochre light. I used the light of the quickly failing day to scavenge what food and supplies I could from the ransacked caravan.
Blood may still heal, but it no longer satiated.
Nor did it let me ignore the elements.
I marched about two or three miles from the site of the attack, found a small cave nestled in the undergrowth. I'd carried with me a bedroll and some food.
As I sat in the dark, munching on shitty jerky and a rotten apple, I sighed.
"The Hunter my ass," I muttered.
It took a few more days of travel, and a few running battles with the remaining orcs, before I made it to the Academy. I looked forward to a bath, a warm bed, and a chance to avoid contemplating my own newfound mortality.
Naturally, that's when the giant rock monsters showed up.
There were three of them, whaling on the academy walls. One broke through and reached in, pulling someone out. I leaned against tree, not too far away, and watched, idly wishing I had a pair of binoculars or a telescope to get a better look. The person they pulled out was clearly controlling the giants, given the way they twisted their arm about.
Hopefully, Doll's sister wasn't anywhere near here and I could just wait this stupid shit ou-
"LOUISE! STOP!"
I snapped my gaze to the right, and saw a small shape trailing after a strawberry colored shape, charging up to the giants. A trio of explosions blossomed against one of the giants, breaking it apart. It fell in great chunks, gouging the earth where it fell. The tiny blonde shape stumbled, as if exhausted.
I sighed and palmed my face. "The things I do for you, old friend," I muttered. I quickstepped rapidly, my sight blurring. I was nearing the remaining pair of giants, when the earth in front of me erupted, spilling stone and rock around me. I cursed and rolled, barely avoiding getting squeezed by a grasping earthen hand.
Evelyn barked, her muzzle flaring. My shot missed by an inch, however, the round ricocheting off the wrist of the giant. The mage flinched from the shrapnel that cut at their face. I could see, for a moment, small traces of bright red blood where the stone chips cut through their mask. The woman-judging from the prominent bust at least-thrust her wand at me. I quickstepped at the last moment, avoiding getting skewered by the spikes shooting out of the earth.
Getting stabbed once by a spear in this universe was enough, thank you.
An explosion bloomed against the lead giant's face and the mage was flung from its grasp.
I guess the mage's concentration was rocked, since the giants immediately crumbled. The mage disappeared underneath a torrent of raining earth and rock. I held out a fresh pistol and snapped out the sawblade. "Stay back," I told the girl and the boy following her. Louise tried to move forward, but I shoved the flat of the sawblade at her. "Stay!" I snapped.
Kicking aside the scattering of earth I found a small hole. I sighed in irritation and holstered my weapons. Figures, I thought.
"Why'd you run off like that Louise? You could have got-ow!"
The boy flinched back from Louise's hand, his cheek a stinging red.
Did he just grin for a second? No, I must be imagining things.
"What a useless familiar!" the girl snarled. "It is the duty of a noble to maintain order, and bring the Queen's Justice to lawbreakers!
"It's also the duty of a noble to charge into the fray like a blood drunk Hunter," I said dryly. "Thinking things through is for mere commoners, after all."
Louise narrowed her eyes and tilted her nose up at me. It might have been intimidating if she didn't look like the platonic ideal of some neckbeard's loli fantasy.
Not that I'd ever be so stupid as to say that out loud. Doll might forgive me for many things but that ain't one of them. And getting my head ripped off by my old friend was the last way I wanted to go.
Amongst many others, anyway.
"And who are you, commoner, to speak to a noble like that?" she demanded.
I gave her a mocking bow, the kind that would have set a Cainhurst scion into a frenzy. "Balram Singh, at Cattleya de La Fontaine's service," I said, adding just enough of a sense of sarcasm to piss her off, but subservient enough to avoid comment.
It's amazing what you can learn from old perverts. I never did thank Gehrman for his lessons. It's what allowed me to even speak in this country.
Another regret, I suppose.
"Big si-Catttleya told me you were coming." She sniffed. "You're late."
"I ran into some orcs," I said with a shrug.
"Excuses," replied Louise. I replied with another shrug and was rewarded with Louise's face purpling with rage. It was actually sort of cute, kind of like Mr. Bubz.
"Oi, partner, your woman's going to blow up. May want to stand back. Don't want to get sprayed by bodily fluids. Again. Unless its blood. Blood's nice."
I raised an eyebrow while the boy ripped his sword out of his scabbard and slammed it back. A pained grunt issued from the hilt.
"A talking sword?" I asked.
"Cattleya bought it for my familiar from a dingy swordsmith. It doesn't make any sense. How did she know I'd summon a human? And why did she buy such an uncouth weapon?"
"Why indeed?" I said. I remembered what Doll said about making sure her sister's familiar was worthy of her, and to make sure they didn't do anything 'strange'.
I looked at the boy again. An East Asian, maybe about 16, slim, a determined, if slightly stupid look on his face.
You know, a teenage boy.
Then I looked at his clothes and did a double take
"Where'd you get that?" I asked the kid, jerking my head at his jacket.
"I got it a store in Akihabara." His face suddenly twisted in grief.
"Electric Town? Maid cafes, computer shops, otaku shit, that kind of thing?" I asked. His eyes lit up.
"You know what Akihabara is? Do you know a way back?"
The kid looked at me with such hope. It actually hurt my heart, just a bit, when I shook my head. I knew exactly how he felt, being an isekai myself. The spark in his eyes went out and his head drooped. I opened my mouth, try to tell the kid that his life here wouldn't be complete shit, when a bald man and some Byrgenwerth looking types hustled up to us.
"What happened?" baldy demanded.
"We drove off the thief!" Louise proudly declared.
"She saw an out and took it," I said, gesturing at the hole.
I ignored Louise's glare while baldy nodded in agreement.
"Still, it was good work that Louise and you did, mister…?"
"Balram," I said with a nod.
"Ah, Lady De Fontaine's familiar. You're quite late, but perhaps that's not such a bad thing. Come, let's discuss this in the Headmaster's office. We might be able to catch Fouquet yet!" He marched off, the scholars around him nodding in agreement.
I glanced at the girl and the boy and fought back a groan. The Nipponjin still wore a gloomy expression while Louise drew herself up, every inch the regal noblewomen. Then she tripped face first into the dirt and that Just sword started cackling like a lunatic.
"I need this like I need eyes on the inside," I muttered and stalked off. This was going to end in tears, I had no doubt.
Still, what's the worst that could happen?