Chapter 16: Revelation

[CW: bipolar disorder, attempted suicide, cutting/self-harm, mania, depression]

"Akaashi," Hinata began, "I … I have to tell you something about Bokuto-san. It's about why he's been acting strangely this past week."

Akaashi paused. "I'm not sure it's going to matter, Hinata. I don't think it will matter. I don't think I can forgive him. After all the hateful things he said."

"That's just it, Akaashi. It wasn't him. Not really."

"What? What do you mean?" Hinata took a deep breath. "First, I should tell you that Bo really did not want to tell you, didn't want ME to tell you this. He thought if you knew you'd leave him."

"Ha, well isn't that ironic," said Akaashi darkly, "Considering how it all turned out anyway." Hinata balked a little at that savage comment, but he continued.

"So, what I have to tell you is … Bokuto has bipolar disorder." One second of stunned silence passed before Akaashi took in a ragged gasping breath as he covered his hand with his mouth. Kageyama came up beside him and put a hand on his shoulder, as if to steady and support his friend. No one spoke for several minutes as Akaashi's brain started frantically churning to put together all of the puzzle pieces.

Mania. He knew vaguely what that meant - extra energy, elevated mood, extreme behaviors, irritability. Oh, God, THAT'S what was going on. He now had a - THE reason - for Bokuto's bizarre behavior. The pieces of the puzzle started clanging into place like large metal gears fitting together and starting to turn. The behavior during matches, the insomnia, the shopping, the lashing out. He inhaled again and let out a slow breath.

"Okay," he finally managed to reply. "What else do you know?"

"Well, not too much. I remember this happening once back in college. It lasted a couple of weeks, then he was back to normal, for the most part. And then, well, we haven't been living in the same city for the last five years so I've not seen it first hand, but he always told me when it happened. Maybe once or twice a year."

"Okay," said Akaashi, trying desperately to wrap his mind around the situation. "Okay," he repeated absently. "So he's been manic this week. That's why he didn't sleep and why he was shopping and acting so energetic during the games."

"Right," Hinata said, even though Akaashi was mostly talking to himself.

"Okay, so now what happens? Now is the depression part coming?"

Hinata paused for a moment remembering about the extraordinarily dark place Bokuto had been in during the one episode Hinata observed. He shuddered at the memories. "Yes, I think. Well it did before. And… I think it's gonna be bad, Akaashi."

Akaashi rubbed one hand over his forehead, eyes and face and up into his hair. "Okay," he said again. "So what do we do?"

"Well," responded Hinata, "We wait it out. We keep him from hurting … keep him safe until it's over. Then he'll probably go back to normal or mostly normal. At least that's what happened before."

"Medication," said Akaashi almost to himself.

"Yes, he takes medication for it." Again, more questions answered, more riddles solved. Another pause while Hinata waited for Akaashi's next question.

"Where is he now?"

"He's in his apartment. He won't open the door and told me to go away, that he doesn't want to see or talk to anyone. And … well, I'm really scared what he might … what might happen."

Silence for a moment from Akaashi as he translated those words into their true meaning. "You think he might … is he… suicidal?" Beside Akaashi, Kageyama physically flinched.

Hinata's voice cracked a bit as he answered, "It's possible. He was before."

Akaashi let out a long breath. "Okay," he said yet again, which seemed to be the only word he could utter in the wake of absorbing this information. He felt like he might actually vomit, thinking about that possibility. He said instead, "I need to sit down," as he collapsed onto the sofa and tried to think. But his mind was still stuck on the word "suicidal" and he was having trouble focusing on anything else. After a couple of moments of silence, he was able to come to his senses enough to say, "I have to talk to him."

"Yes," agreed Hinata. "He might listen to you. I HOPE he would listen to you. If not, well, I don't know exactly but it wouldn't be good." No one spoke for another couple of minutes.

Finally, Akaashi asked, "I'll try to call right from my phone as soon as we hang up. Is there anything else I need to know?"

"Well, he said you were better off without him and that it was too late to fix things. He thinks you hate him."

Akaaahi inhaled and exhaled slowly. "I have to go," said Akaashi to himself before repeating to his friends, "I have to go. I have to talk to him. I have to see his face. I have to make sure he's safe."

"We can leave now, anytime you're ready," Kageyama assured his friend.

"I'll go pack," said Akaashi to Kageyama. When Kageyama took his phone back, he asked his husband, "What will you do until we get there?"

Hinata ran a hand through his fluffy orange hair. "Keep trying I guess? I guess I need to tell Coach and Cap. Maybe he'll answer if one of them calls. I'll also call Atsumu and Sakusa and tell them what's happening and maybe he'll take their calls. That's all I can think of right now."

"That sounds good. Try that and let me know. I'll let you know what train we're on and when we should be there."

"Okay, babe. I'll text or call if anything changes."

The bullet train from Tokyo to Osaka only takes a few hours in transit, but to Akaashi, it felt like days. He was jumpy and agitated, worried about Bokuto. First and foremost, the hideous word "suicidal" was continuously bouncing around his brain like a pinball. He'd try to think of something else, but the word kept popping back to his consciousness regardless of his efforts. Second, he had been calling and texting repeatedly but Bo was not replying and as far as he knew, wasn't answering calls from anyone.

Akaashi was ruminating over all of the information he had been given, and now that he had seen the final picture, the pieces of the puzzle all fit nicely into their respective spots. He could not help but recall that one conversation they had about being single. What had Bokuto said? That he'd had a couple of serious relationships, but then "things" seem to happen and then it ends. At the time, Akaashi hadn't thought much of that, figuring it was just the normal sorts of things that break couples up. But now it made sense. Too much sense, and the knowledge felt like a knife in Akaashi's heart. Bokuto had episodes while he was in a relationship, causing that relationship to end. And it was happening again.

Except, thought Akaashi with force and determination, none of those people were me. And I'm not going to let this end, not if I can help it. He tried very hard not to imagine Bo experiencing this awful, horrible nightmare, surviving through all the pain, only to find that when he ultimately conquered it, his lover was no longer at his side. Akaashi tried desperately to focus on something, anything, besides the thought of a recently recovered Kotaro, realizing that an illness he has no control over has taken someone he loved away from him. How lonely and despondent that would make anyone, let alone someone as caring and compassionate as Bo.

He felt a wild desperation to make sure Bokuto was safe. They had to get into his place so someone could watch him and prevent anything bad from happening. Just the wisp of a thought about what that "something" was caused a sharp, piercing pain in his chest. He could not, no he WOULD not, let that happen. That was step one. Everything after that, the talking, the mending of their relationship, that could come later.

A seemingly endless stream of "what ifs" paraded through Akaashi's brain. What if he was too late? He couldn't bear even considering the possibility. And even if he wasn't too late and he was able to see Bokuto, would Bo even talk to him? Would he listen? Or would he shut him out? And lastly, even if they were eventually able to talk, what if they couldn't work it out?

When he learned the truth earlier that day, Akaashi had begun to feel like that vast cavernous crater in his chest might have been tenuously patched, but now it was threatening to burst open again. He sharply inhaled, earning him a glance from his friend sitting next to him on the train.

"You alright?"

Akaashi shrugged. He was typically a reserved person and didn't open up much to others, but Kags had been his best friend through all his adult life so far, so if he couldn't talk to Kags, who could he talk to?

"Do you... do you think he's alright?" he asked tentatively.

"Yeah. I think he's probably fine. Well, I mean safe. I think we'll get there and he'll listen to you and everything will turn out okay."

A nodded again, thankful for his friend's encouragement, even if he couldn't quite believe his words. Checking his watch, he realized they were only an hour from Tokyo. Soon he'd be back with Bokuto and everything would be alright. It had to be. Because the alternatives were too horrific to bear.