Chapter 18: Day 1
[CW: bipolar disorder, attempted suicide, cutting/self-harm, mania, depression]
The five men made their way to the living room and plopped down on the sofa and chairs. Hinata, Kageyama and Akaashi were on the sofa, with Atsumu in one chair and Sakusa in the other. Kageyama asked, "So what do we do now?" Everyone looked at Hinata as if he would have the answers.
"Don't look at me! I have no clue!"
"Well what happened in college? And what did ya do that time?" asked Atsumu.
Hinata took a deep breath and laid his head on the back of the sofa. Looking at the ceiling, he said, "It was really scary." He paused and let his mind wander back to those awful weeks in his first year. At the time, he was so young and naive that the situation had been overwhelming for him. He didn't like thinking about it, but knew he had to tell the others. He lifted his head and grabbed for his husband's hand.
"For about maybe a week he was manic. I didn't recognize it at first because I had no experience with that. All I knew was he was acting strangely."
"What sorts of things did he do?" asked Akaashi.
"Lots of drinking, staying out all night, skipping class. And he missed a couple of practices that week, which is what really convinced me something was wrong. Then, he sort of crashed for a couple of days. He was in bed and never left, didn't eat or do anything. And then the really bad stuff happened. He got really depressed and it was really dark." Hinata paused as if reliving those days. He shook his head a little as if to clear it. He gulped and grasped Kageyama's hand tighter.
"He was … hurting himself. Cutting. With a razor blade." Akaashi inhaled sharply. No one spoke for a couple of minutes.
Akaashi broke the silence, saying as much to himself as to his friends, "That's what those marks on his legs are. I asked him how he got them and he said he didn't want to talk about it." No one responded.
"Huh," said Atsumu, making everyone swivel their heads to him.
"What?" asked Kageyama.
"That must be why he wears those extra long knee pads. To cover up the marks."
More silence. Pieces of the puzzle, Akaashi thought again.
"What else happened? I don't think that's everything," said Akaashi.
"No," said Hinata, taking a deep breath in and then out. Kageyama squeezed his hand in support. "He also tried to kill himself by taking a whole bottle of pills." Hinata rushed out the sentence as if saying it quickly would somehow lessen the impact. Akaashi closed his eyes and leaned his head into the back of the sofa. He swallowed hard, trying with all his might to avoid thoughts of Bo so desperate that he wanted to die.
"Is that all?" asked Akaashi, still looking at the ceiling.
"I guess so," replied Hinata. "His parents took him home from the hospital and he was gone for a couple of weeks. When he returned, he was pretty much normal."
"So you don't know what they did for him while he was depressed?"
"No," replied Hinata. Atsumu whipped out his phone and started typing. Sakusa scolded him, "What the fuck, Miya? You're texting someone?"
Atsumu looked offended, "Of course not, Omi-kun. I'm searching for what to do when yer friend is depressed." The others exchanged glances but then shrugged. It was as good an idea as any. After a minute, Atsumu found something useful and said, "Okay, this article says the first thing is to make sure they are safe and cannot harm themselves."
Hinata perked up a little. "What else?"
"Umm, you're supposed to make sure they take any medications and go to the doctor. You should also encourage them to eat enough, drink enough water and get exercise. Lastly, it says listen to them when they want to talk and not say stupid things."
"What stupid things?" asked Sakusa.
"Look them up yourself. There's a bunch of them, I'm not going to read them." Sakusa threw an annoyed look at Atsumu but then pulled out his own phone and began typing.
"Okay," said Akaashi, now sitting up and appearing more energetic now that he had a list of things to accomplish. "First thing, keeping him safe. What do we have to do?"
Hinata responded immediately, "Make sure he doesn't swallow a whole bottle of pills."
"Right," said Akaashi, making a mental list.
"We should hide everything that he could use to hurt himself. Razors, kitchen knives, scissors and the like," Atsumu added.
"Yeah, we definitely need to do that. Anything else?" Everyone thought for a moment.
Kageyama cleared his throat and sounded uncomfortable but voiced his thoughts nonetheless. "I think we should search the apartment for anything else that he could use to k… hurt himself. Like say rope. Or… um… weapons." Akaashi paled a bit, but managed to stay composed. He added that to his mental list.
"Alright, let's start there. I'll get the bedroom and bathroom. Hinata and Kageyama, you take the family room. Atsumu and Sakusa, you take the kitchen. Let's gather up everything dangerous and just take it away." They all agreed, almost as if Akaashi was the captain and they were the team in the huddle, and then went to work.
Akaashi entered Bokuto's bedroom where he still slept deeply. Despite the fact that he didn't want to wake his boyfriend, he needed to see so he turned on the light and was pleased when Bo didn't move. He took a quick look at the sleeping ace before he began searching the closet and drawers for anything that could be dangerous. He took a couple of neckties from the closet but didn't find anything else that looked threatening. He didn't see anything that concerned him on top of or inside the dressers.
He looked around and noticed Bo's suitcase that he had taken to Tokyo, still by the door and apparently untouched since Friday. He flipped it onto its bottom so he could easily unzip it and search the contents. He found a bottle of Bo's pills in a small pouch with his toothbrush and toothpaste. Akaashi studied the label. The prescription had only been filled five days ago. He wondered if Bo had been taking his pills and decided he probably hadn't today, and maybe not even yesterday. He removed the cap from the bottle and spilled the capsules into his hand, then began to count as he put them back. As he suspected, there were only three pills missing, meaning Bo had missed two pills, probably yesterday and today. He figured he should get Bokuto to take a pill and decided to do that after he finished looking through the bathroom.
Once in the bathroom, he gathered up all the razors and razor blades he could find, as well as a pair of scissors, a metal nail file and to be on the safe side, the nail clippers. He also found two full-ish bottles of pills in the medicine cabinet that appeared to be almost a year old. He guessed they were maybe medications Bo no longer took. One last look around the bathroom and he felt reasonably sure he had gathered anything harmful. He exited the bathroom and walked back in the bedroom to check on Bokuto again. He still slept soundly, so Akaashi turned out the light and went back to the living room where the others had gathered.
Akaashi dropped the items from his hand to the coffee table and asked the others, "What did you find?"
Kageyama placed two items on the pile as Hinata answered, "A pair of scissors and a letter opener. We didn't find anything else."
Akaashi nodded and turned to the other two. "What was in the kitchen?"
Atsumu plunked down a handful of kitchen knives and joked, "Guess he's not havin' any steak anytime soon."
Sakusa only rolled his eyes and added, "We checked all the cabinets and drawers and nothing looked dangerous. I also cleaned up a bit while I was at it. This man lives like a pig."
For a moment, they silently stared at the pile of implements and pills. "I guess ya call this the suicide stash," joked Atsumu.
"Do you need to joke right fucking now?" asked Sakusa, but without much venom.
Atsumu just rolled his eyes and smirked, "Just tryin' to lighten the mood, Omi-kun. You should try it sometime. Maybe people would like ya better." Sakusa said nothing but shot daggers at the setter.
"So what do we do with all this?" asked Hinata, staring at the death pile.
"I'll take it home and leave it there till it's safe. My place is only a couple of minutes away." They all seemed satisfied with that solution. Sakusa had seen a box in the closet when he was cleaning and they loaded the stash into the box and closed it up. Atsumu put it by the door so he wouldn't forget to take it.
"Okay, now what?" asked Kageyama as they sat down to plan their next move. "What did the list say again?"
Atsumu referred back to his phone. "Make sure he takes his medications."
"I'm on it," said Akaashi, rising from a chair and walking to the kitchen. He poured a small glass of water and took the pills he found in Bo's suitcase from his pocket. "Be right back." He entered the dark bedroom and turned on the light again. The light would make this easier and it didn't seem to bother Bokuto at all. He went to the side of the bed Bokuto was facing and kneeled down again as he had earlier.
"Bokuto-san? Wake up. You need to take your medication. Bokuto? Wake up now."
Bokuto opened his eyes slowly and took a few seconds to focus on Akaashi's blue-green gaze. "Akaashi? What?"
"Did you take your medication today?"
Bokuto only squinted as if trying to remember. "Don't think so."
"I don't think so either. Here, this is what was in your bag. Is this the only thing you take? Or is there anything else?"
Bokuto scrunched up his face again, thinking. "No. Just one pill a day," he said.
"Okay good. Here's your pill and some water." Bokuto took the offerings from Akaashi's hands and dutifully swallowed the medication down. He then plopped back down on his pillow and looked up, eyes still hazy and sleepy looking.
"Why are you here, Akaashi?" he asked almost dejectedly. "You should go."
"I'm not leaving Bokuto-san. I'm staying here. With you. This is where I belong."
Bokuto furrowed his brow at that statement but didn't respond. Soon his eyes fluttered shut and he was asleep yet again. Akaashi got up from his knees, turned out the light and exited the bedroom. Two things down, he thought. Just one foot in front of the other. That's how I'll.. no how we'll get through this.
The others were sitting in their previous spots in the living room. Akaashi stuck the pills back in his pocket before sitting down on the sofa.
"What else do we do?" asked Hinata. Atumu consulted his phone again.
Sakusa said, "What are you, the fucking depression guru now?"
Atsumu again smirked and scrunched up his face at his teammate. "No, I'm the one who wasn't too lazy to google it, asshole," he shot back at Sakusa. Then addressing the whole group, "Eat, drink water, exercise and listen. Sounds easy enough."
Akaashi was nodding. "So...I guess now we just, what? Ride it out? How long was he at home that time, Hinata? Two weeks?"
"I think so. It was a while ago so I don't remember exactly, but yeah, probably a couple of weeks."
"Okay, I can do this," said Akaashi half to himself.
Kageyama spoke next. "I think Hinata and I should get going. I know I'm tired from all the traveling and Hinata is half asleep already." They all turned to look at the redhead whose head was resting on his husband's shoulders.
"Yeah, you two should take off and get some rest," agreed Akaashi. Turning to the other two teammates, he said, "You guys can leave too. I think I'll be all right." They both nodded and stood to leave as Atsumu added, "We have training in the morning, but we'll check on ya after that, okay?
"Thank you guys. All of you," said Akaashi with gratitude.
"Are you sure you'll be okay here by yourself with him?" asked Kageyama one last time.
"Yeah, I think so. He's probably just going to sleep. Which is what I want to do as well."
Kageyama nodded and said, "Just call or text if you need anything." Akaashi accompanied the four guests to the door and thanked them again as they filed out. He closed the door behind him and locked the deadbolt.
Making his way back to the sofa, where he planned to sleep, he thought, I got through Day 1. I can get through the other days too. He plopped down on the sofa, pulled down a small blanket from the back, and laid down to finally rest. He was bone-tired and emotionally drained. But he was here, and Bokuto was safe for now. At this moment, that was enough.