Chapter 19: Day 2

[CW: bipolar disorder, attempted suicide, depression]

Bokuto woke early Monday morning and didn't feel like going back to sleep. He checked his phone, it was just after five o'clock. He plopped it back down on the bedside table, but not before noticing he had dozens of missed calls and unread texts that he had no intention of returning. At least not anytime soon. After a few minutes, he realized he felt more coherent than he had in days. And also that he felt like shit.

He laid in the dark, trying to recall what had happened over the last several days. He remembered going to Tokyo and fighting with Akaashi. He remembered that whatever he said seemed to hurt Akaashi very much. He remembered getting back home. He recalled Akaashi speaking softly on the side of his bed. Bokuto rubbed both hands on his face as if the motion would shake loose anything else he had to remember.

What did I say? he thought.

Flashes of images, echoes of words and actions slowly started coming back to him. He remembered the scene at Akaashi's office, how he threw away the bouquet away and said something like Akaashi thought he wasn't good enough because he was a dumb jock. He took in a deep breath, distressed at the memory. He also recalled the scene in the apartment where he said it was over. He couldn't recall exactly the words, but one image was burned into his brain - the wounded look in Akaashi's eyes. He swallowed hard.

How could I do that to Akaashi? He's so perfect and so kind and loving. I am a broken mess. A sorry excuse for a human being. I'm a piece of shit.

Tears began to accumulate and eventually started leaking from his eyes.

I hurt everyone I love. I don't deserve him. He's better off without me. He should find someone who will treat him right, not someone who makes him look so hurt and sad.

More crying now, accompanied by an empty feeling in his chest. A numbness came over him.

I don't know why I ever thought things could be different. Nothing will ever change. This will just keep happening over and over. It's hopeless. I am a hopeless piece of shit. I don't know what Akaashi ever saw in me anyway. He deserves so much better than me. I wish I was dead. If I was dead I couldn't hurt people I love. They could live happy lives and not keep getting dragged down by me over and over again.

Why? Why am I like this? Why me? It's not fair.

The tears subsided and he was left with a drained feeling and a wet face. He continued to lie on his back and feel sorry for himself.

I can't do this. I can't keep doing this. It's too hard. I can't take it.

I can't stand who I am when I'm like this. I can't stand being me. I hate myself, everything about myself. I'm a lousy piece of crap who does not deserve to live.

The sun began to rise and shadows started to inch across the room, yet Bokuto still didn't move.

Why is Akaashi even here? After all the horrible things I said? I don't understand. Could he still care for me? How could anyone care about me, let alone anyone so amazing as he is? I don't understand.

I mean, my family HAS to put up with me. Why is he doing this? I have to make him leave. I have to get him away from me. I can't keep hurting him like this.

Bokuto again recalled the awful things he said to Akaashi - "never want to see you again" and "never be good enough" - and how hurt and confused Akaashi had been.

I did that. I made him look that way. I hurt him. I don't ever want to hurt him again, I can't stand the thought that I might hurt him again.

Guilt and shame washed over him. He had felt self-hatred before, many times, but never this deep-seated self-loathing that enveloped him in this moment.

I treated the person I love like shit. I don't deserve to live. I want to die. I want this pain to end, for me and for everyone around me. That's the only way I can make sure this doesn't happen again.

How can I do it? Pills are the easiest but they don't always work. I could try anyway.

He slowly rose from the bed and found his suitcase where he had left it, except it was on its back and appeared to have been opened. He rummaged around and found the small pouch with his toothbrush, toothpaste and pills. Except the pills were gone. Fuck. Where are they?

He made his way to the bathroom, deciding to pee while he was there, and then opened the medicine cabinet thinking that maybe he had left the pills here. But no, the bottle was not in the medicine cabinet either, and neither were the two prescriptions he had tried last year that hadn't worked well. He rubbed his hands over his face again, trying to think. Where are they?

He shook his head as if to clear his mind. He thought he was thinking pretty clearly, at least considering the situation, but he couldn't figure out what he had done with his pills, unless... Akaashi must have taken them. He recalled his boyfriend giving him a pill sometime - When was that? Was it last night? Time was hazy for him so he wasn't sure.

He decided to go look in the living room or kitchen. He was shocked to find Akaashi asleep on his sofa. He took a moment to admire the raven head's beauty as he slumbered, with the morning sun coming in through the window and reflecting off his pale skin. He looked so peaceful, angelic even. Bokuto smiled at the image for a few seconds before his smile disappeared at the thought:

If he stays with me, he'll never be at peace. I will just keep hurting him.

His mouth eventually turned to a frown.

I am a piece of shit. I don't deserve him.

In the morning light he could see well enough to know his medication wasn't on any of the tables in the living room, so he moved onto the kitchen and quickly realized it wasn't on the table or the counters either. He began searching through drawers despite the fact that he didn't think Akaashi would put his meds in a drawer.

He was startled when Akaashi came up behind him and said with mild surprise, "You're up." Bokuto swiveled around to look at the other male. He looked adorable with his hair kind of messy and his clothes disheveled. Bokuto wanted so badly to smile, to embrace him in a huge hug, to kiss him and tell him he loved him, But that would be selfish, he thought, and so he did none of those things. He just kept rifling through the drawers without responding.

Akaashi was a bit confused. "Bokuto-san, what are you looking for?" Bokuto only mumbled in response, so Akaashi went up closer behind him and put a gentle hand on Bo's shoulder.

"Kotaro? What is going on? What are you looking for?"

"Nothing," Bokuto said without emotion as he avoided his boyfriend's gaze and abandoned his search. "Nothing," he repeated, as he rested both hands on the counter a ways from each other and leaned onto them, hanging his head. Akashi just stared at him.

"Do you need something?" asked Akaashi gently. "Do you want breakfast or coffee or something?"

I want to die, thought Bokuto. I want you to leave me alone so I won't hurt you again.

Instead he said, "Why are you here? You should leave." Akaashi removed his hand from Bokuto's shoulder and straightened his back.

"I'm not leaving."

"You should. There's no reason for you to be here after all I did and said." Bokuto's voice rose a bit in volume. He sounded adamant.

"I forgive you because I know that wasn't you." Akaashi's response made Bokuto pivot on his heels.

"That is me, Akaashi. At least once a year. Just accept it. It's going to keep happening." He then pushed off the counter and started walking back to his bedroom. "Just go, okay? I'm sorry I hurt you." His voice cracked a bit.

Akaashi had turned himself to watch Bo walk away, but he stood his ground when he said, "I'm. Not. Leaving."

Bokuto's footsteps paused at the other edge of the living room. He sighed deeply and turned back to face the dark-haired male. "Really, Akaashi, just go. You don't deserve this." He sounded tired.

"Deserve what exactly?" asked Akaashi, taking tentative steps to close the gap between them.

Bokuto finally met Akaashi's cool gaze. "This. Me."

"I don't know what you mean."

"Yes you do."

"No, I don't. Why don't you explain it to me?" Akaashi crossed his arms and looked pissed off. Bokuto ran his hand through his hair, making it stick up haphazardly.

"Why are you making me say it? Damn it, fine. I'll say it. You don't need this bullshit in your life. You are better off without me. So just leave. That's the way it always goes." Bokuto was practically yelling.

"What do you mean 'always goes'?" Akaashi asked calmly.

Bokuto sighed again, but refused to look at Akaashi when he said sadly, "Forget it."

"No, I won't! What did you mean?" Akaashi took another step closer. The silence went on for ten seconds, then twenty. Akaashi had no intention of giving in, though.

"Tell me," he said again sternly.

Bokuto finally relented, thinking Since when is he this fucking stubborn?

"When they find out. People always leave me."

Akaashi blanched at the words. He took a few tentative steps toward his boyfriend and pinned him with an intense glare meant to challenge his words and search his soul.

"Did they leave, Kotaro? Or did you push them away?"

Silence as they stared at each other. Akaashi's eyes were hard and focused. Bokuto looked surprised and confused. They stayed that way for several seconds before Bokuto couldn't hold that intense gaze any more. He turned and said, "I'm going to take a shower."