Chapter 21: Day 4
By Wednesday, you could say Akaashi was bored. He had spent the majority of the last three days just hanging out, waiting for Bokuto to need something. He occasionally checked emails and took quick phone calls from colleagues, but he had cleared his work calendar for the week and Kageyama had taken any important meetings for him. Which meant Akaashi was free to do … apparently nothing.
In the mornings, he always had some sort of conversation - or maybe it should be called a disagreement - with his boyfriend over whether he was going to leave. At least that is what had happened the last three days. Bo told him to leave each morning, Akaashi said no each morning, and Bo went to pout for the rest of the day because Akaashi was not budging on this one and Bo liked to get his own way.
He would have breakfast, shower, and sit on the sofa trying to keep himself busy. Then he'd have lunch and try to get Bokuto to eat too, with only limited success. His lover didn't seem to have much of an appetite so he would eat a little and then get up from the table, or else he would bring the food to his room and Akaashi would find it only half eaten later.
In the afternoon, he took a nap if Bo did, just because shit, there was nothing else to do. And otherwise he would read a book, watch movies, videos or shows, read articles on the internet, check email repeatedly, and maybe tidy up the apartment a bit. Hinata would be bringing some groceries to him later this afternoon, so he at least had that to look forward to, but if this went on much longer, Akaashi thought he might scream from lack of social interaction.
Bokuto did not want to talk, that was painfully clear. He was apparently not ready to open up fully to Akaashi, or else he was still angry at the ravenhead for not giving him his way and walking out of his life forever. Too fucking bad, Kotaro, Akaashi thought. He spent his evenings much the same way as his afternoons, except he would make sure Bo took his pill before bedtime. Then he would fall asleep on this, sorry to say it, freaking uncomfortable sofa, hoping and praying that the next day would be better.
Emotionally, Akaashi was having a hard time with some of the things happening. When he had found Bokuto last night wanting to cut, it had hurt him deeply for several reasons. First, why would someone so amazing want to hurt themselves? Akaashi himself did not understand that mentality. He had been reading articles and doing some research to try to learn more about his boyfriend's conditions, but he just could not fathom self-injury. He wished he understood better why Bo would do that.
Second, it meant that Bokuto was still in a bad place, mentally, and that there would not be a quick end to this whole episode. And lastly, Akaashi wanted to cry because intentionally putting marks on that beautiful, perfect body felt to Akaashi like a vandal defacing exquisite artwork.
Hinata had said that Bo's depressive phase had been over within a couple of weeks in college, so Akaashi was hoping that this episode did not last any longer than that. He was keeping track - this was day 4 - so that he could try to look forward to some sort of ending, though he was not naive enough to think that this would be exactly the same amount of time as the one episode Hinata described.
When Hinata arrived around four o'clock that afternoon carrying two bags of groceries, Akaashi was exceedingly grateful to have someone to talk to. Hinata stayed a while and chatted with him while Akaashi put away the groceries and updated him on Bo's condition.
Since Bokuto rarely left his bedroom, they were both surprised when he came into the kitchen to join them.
"Hinata-kun, what are you doing here?" Bokuto looked scraggly, Hinata thought, unshaven, hair sticking up in places, his t-shirt and sweatpants rumpled from sleep.
"Hi Bokuto-san! I'm just bringing you and Akaashi some groceries. How are you feeling?" Bokuto did not respond and Hinata's face fell a little. He looked at Akaashi who shrugged almost imperceptibly.
"What is there to eat? I'm kind of hungry," said Bokuto instead.
"Um, a bunch of stuff, but I brought your favorite meat buns. Do you want some of those?"
"Yes, please," replied Bokuto, with a tiny spark of what Akaashi thought might have been interest in his eyes. Bokuto sat down and started to eat, so Hinata took the seat across from him and tried to make conversation.
"How are you feeling?" Bokuto looked up at the cheery redhead momentarily, then looked back at his plate and shrugged. Akaashi thought that might actually be an improvement over yesterday. Hinata looked uncomfortable for a few seconds, but kept trying.
"Everyone from the team is really worried about you. They said to tell you they are wishing you a speedy recovery and they can't wait till you're back playing again."
Bokuto raised his head and met Hinata's gaze for the first time that day. "Do they know?" His voice sounded scratchy and he cleared his throat after speaking.
"Nah. I don't think so. Only Coach, Cap, Miya-san and Sakusa-san know exactly what's going on. The rest of the team just knows you're not feeling well." Bokuto nodded, feeling relieved that the whole team didn't know what his illness was.
"When do you think you'll come back?" asked Hinata, tentatively.
Bokuto paused eating to consider. He shrugged and said "Dunno. Not for a few more days anyway." Hinata abandoned the topic, not wanting to push or pry.
Shortly after that exchange, Bokuto's phone buzzed from where he had set it on the table. He looked at the screen without showing too much interest since everyone had been calling and texting him a lot lately, but when he saw it was his mother, he picked up. Hinata and Akaashi only heard his side of the conversation.
"Hi, mom."
"No, I didn't play last night because I wasn't feeling well."
"It's nothing to worry about, that's why I didn't call."
"Yes, I'm sure mom. Akaashi is here," Bokuto glanced at his boyfriend when he said his name.
"Yes, he is taking good care of me."
"I'll call you in a couple of days when I'm feeling better, okay?'
"Love you too. Bye."
Bokuto placed the phone back on the table and resumed eating. Akaashi asked, "Everything alright with your mom?"
Bokuto wouldn't look at him but answered "She got worried when they saw the match last night and I wasn't playing."
Akaashi asked, "Does she know what's going on?"
Bokuto continued to chew for a few seconds before answering, "I didn't tell her. But she probably knows. You know moms." Both men smiled a little with understanding.
"Well, I'm going to get going now. Akaashi-san let me know if you need anything at all. Bokuto-san, I hope you feel better. You can call or text me anytime." Bo nodded again, looking up only briefly from his meat buns.
After Hinata left, Akaashi came back to the kitchen and sat down in the seat Hinata had vacated. He stared at his boyfriend, trying to gauge his mood. After a few seconds, Bo looked up and said, "What?"
"How are you feeling today?"
Bokuto responded, "Dunno. Maybe a little better. Hungry."
Akaashi gave him a half smile. "That's good."
Bokuto finished off his last meat bun. He pushed aside his plate and looked at Akaashi, really looked at him for the first time in days. "You are not leaving." It was a statement, not a question.
"Correct," said Akaashi, staring back, trying to keep his expression neutral.
Bokuto looked at him for a moment and then rose, saying, "I think I'll take a shower." Akaashi mumbled a response. He wondered if Bo was a little better today or if it was his imagination.
Bokuto stripped off his clothes and entered the shower. The hot water felt really good on his stiff muscles. He took stock of his current mood as he washed. He still felt pretty shitty about himself and didn't think Akaashi should stay with him now or ever really. The future would only hold more of the same, and he was sure no one in their right mind would choose to be with him and endure this roller-coaster.
As he washed his hair, it occurred to him that he didn't really want to die right now. Instead it was more a hollow, numb feeling. Like why bother with anything, let alone all the trouble of trying to hurt yourself. That seemed like it would take a lot of energy that he didn't have at this point.
Numb, and accepting, that was what he was. Right now, he just accepted that his life was shit, this illness was shit, and he was shit. He would continue to hurt people around him when he was like this. And there was not one fucking thing he could do. So then, what? I can't change anything, so why bother?
He briefly thought of volleyball and felt a tiny spark of interest start to grow inside him, but it flickered out pretty quickly. I don't have the energy for that, he thought as he turned off the shower and grabbed a towel. In front of the mirror, he inspected his face. Overall, he looked like shit, he decided, just like he felt. He had bags under both eyes and looked a little pale. His eyes seemed dull, no sign of his usual vigor and vitality. And finally, the lower half of his face was covered with noticeable stubble. Yesterday he had asked Akaashi for a razor but Akaashi said there were none here. Boy, Akaashi really went overboard trying to protect me, he thought.
He walked back into the bedroom and threw on a clean t-shirt and sweatpants over clean boxers, then debated what to do. He plopped down on the bed and decided to read about last night's volleyball match. His team had lost two games to one. He felt a tiny pang of guilt that he wasn't there, but then that was replaced by thoughts of how useless he was in all realms of his life - personal and professional alike. He tossed the phone onto the bed and hooked both hands together and under his head as he studied the ceiling.
He was still trying to figure out Akaashi's behavior and scowled as if confronted with a difficult math problem. Of course, Bokuto sucked at math so really any math problem was difficult.
Was Akaashi really going to stay? Despite everything? It was unfathomable to Bokuto. All signs pointed to that, but he just could not manage to wrap his brain around it. It felt like some cruel trick the universe was playing on him. How could anyone love me that much? How could anyone love a loser like me at all?
He knew he was not good enough for his beautiful, smart, kind Akaashi. Akaashi deserves someone way better than me. He deserves the best of everything. I have nothing to give him. Nothing but pain and heartache, over and over and over until we die. That is reality. Why can't he see that?
The thoughts ricocheted around his head, until he fell asleep.