Chapter 22: Day 5
On Thursday when Bokuto woke up he felt hungry. He threw on a t-shirt and made his way to the kitchen to get himself something to eat. As he peered into the refrigerator looking for something appealing, he heard Akaashi rustling on the sofa. He peeked over the door to the fridge and saw Akaashi rubbing the sleep from his eyes. For a moment, Bokuto was mesmerized by his ethereal beauty on display in the long morning shadows. Then Akaashi sat up and saw him. They held each other's gaze for several long seconds, then Bokuto looked away. I can't let him stay, no matter how much I want him to.
"Good morning, Bokuto-san. Are you hungry?"
Bo stood up straight, still in front of the open refrigerator. "Yeah, sort of. But I can't cook anything," he responded sheepishly.
"I'll make you something if you'd like. Maybe eggs?"
"You don't have to do that."
"I know." Silence for a couple of heartbeats.
"Okay, then, thank you." Bo sat at the kitchen table with a glass of orange juice and watched Akaashi amble to the kitchen and start preparing breakfast.
"How long are we going to do this, Akaashi?"
Akaashi turned from the counter, "Do what?"
"Ignore the inevitable."
Akaashi's blue-green eyes flashed with anger and determination. He turned back to the counter and started scrambling eggs much more forcefully than was strictly necessary. Poor eggs, thought Bokuto.
When he figured that Akaashi was not going to answer his question, he dropped it for the time being. They didn't speak again until Akaashi asked Bo if he wanted toast. After several minutes, Akaashi plopped down a plate of food in front of Bo, and another plate across the table, where he sat down himself.
They ate in silence, acknowledging that the current situation was a stalemate. At one point, Akaashi stopped eating to stretch out his back and shoulders. Bokuto, observant as always, noticed the movement.
"Are you sore? From sleeping on the sofa?"
Akaashi thought, Hell yeah I am, but said "Nah, it's fine."
Bokuto was chewing and swallowed before pausing to say, "You could sleep in my bed tonight. If you want."
Akaashi's head snapped up.
"Not like that!" Bokuto quickly added. "Just, you know, it's more comfortable. I could sleep on the couch instead of you. Or… you know, you could just go and find someone who deserves you."
Akaashi narrowed his eyes and the grey-haired male actually felt a little pang of fear. When Akaashi was angry, he was pretty scary.
"Ahem, yeah, so I could sleep on the sofa."
Akaashi did not speak, but continued to eat and Bo breathed a sigh of relief that he didn't seem to be shooting daggers at him anymore. Bokuto finished his meal and got up to wash his plate.
When he finished he said, "Thanks for making breakfast, Kaashi," and Akaashi's heart skipped a beat. He thought he might actually cry, because those words sounded so much like HIS Bo. Instead he just nodded, looked back at his food and tried to stay composed.
"I'm going to shower," said Bokuto. "Do you think I could have a razor to shave?"
"There are none here."
"Where did all my stuff go, by the way?"
"Atsumu has it," replied Akaashi.
Bokuto sighed, "Okay, guess I'm keeping this scruff for a while longer."
When Bo was gone from the kitchen, Akaashi finished his breakfast and washed the plates. He was in for another long, boring day he figured. Unless... maybe he could get Bokuto to leave the apartment to do something, anything really would be okay, given how stir-crazy Akaashi was feeling. He would at least try to convince him when he got out of the shower.
In the bathroom, Bokuto was showering and thinking yet again that Akaashi was better off just leaving him and never looking back. Why was he so stubborn? And here's the worst part … when Akaashi said those things about how they could work it out, the way he made things sound, it almost, ALMOST, made Bo believe it could be possible. As he turned off the water and began drying himself, he realized he WANTED to believe Akaashi. He really, truly wanted that future with him. But as usual, the nagging self-doubt, the horribly unkind inner voice, had him backing off that idea. What am I doing thinking that good things can happen to me? They never last.
He went to his bedroom and threw on clean clothes - like yesterday just a t-shirt and sweats - and then, as he usually did, plopped on his bed to kill time with mindless, meaningless activities. After a couple of hours, however, he felt restless. He was used to moving his body so much with practice and games and he hadn't done any physical activity in how long? He had to think. Thursday of last week was the last game they had. Today was Thursday as well. It had been an entire week since he played volleyball or trained. Shit, getting back into things was going to be a little difficult with a week off. Maybe he should … go for a run or something. Nah, that sounds too hard. A walk maybe?
He exited the bedroom and found Akaashi on the sofa, slumped over phone. "Hey, Kaashi," he said, making Akaashi snap his head up yet again. I love when he says my name like that. Damn, he doesn't know what he does to me.
"Do you want to go for a walk or something?"
Akaashi actually smiled a genuine smile that had been absent from his face for almost a week. "I'd love to. Let me jump in the shower, okay?"
"Kay," said Bo, flopping onto a chair in the living room.
Akaashi grabbed a few items from his bag and made a mental note to do laundry soon. He was actually feeling a little giddy with excitement, not only because - thank God - he got to leave the apartment, but also because this had to be a good sign about Bo's mood, right?
He showered quickly, threw on jeans and t-shirt, and went back to the living room. Bo stood up and said, "Ready?" Akaashi nodded and they made their way out the door and to the elevator.
They ended up just walking around the residential neighborhoods close to Bo's apartment. Bo pointed out where Sakusa lived, and a moment later, where Atsumu lived. They didn't talk too much, but the silence was comfortable and they were both enjoying the fresh air after being cooped up indoors for so long. They walked for about thirty minutes, then looped around to head back to the apartment. When they got back, they both felt better, lighter.
"Do you want to do something now? Like maybe watch a movie?" asked Akaashi tentatively.
"Okay, sure," said Bokuto. They pulled up an action movie they both liked and watched from opposite ends of the sofa, occasionally commenting on the scenes. At one point, Akaashi thought, This feels so normal right now.
After the movie, though, Bo was feeling a little tired and much too anxious. He needed to get away from Akaashi for a little while and think. Two parts of his brain were currently clashing and it was confusing and exhausting him.
"I think I'm going to my bedroom for a while," he announced as he stood up.
"Okay," replied Akaashi. As Bokuto started walking away, Akaashi called after him, "Bokuto-san?" Bo stopped and turned back.
Akaashi said. "I'm right here. I'll be here waiting. Come back to me when you're ready." Bo only nodded, understanding the true meaning behind his boyfriend's declaration.
Back in his bedroom, Bo sat up on his bed with his back against the headboard. He had conflicting feelings he was trying to make peace with. There were two voices in his brain - the first, the logical voice, told him he could trust what Akaashi said. That maybe they could actually just ride this out and it would be okay. That this episode was temporary. That maybe, just maybe, he was almost good enough for Akaashi, good enough period. That he didn't have to resign himself to always being alone.
The other voice was the emotional voice, the depressed voice, the voice of self-doubt, self-recrimination and self-loathing. That voice was loud in his head. It was almost always there but a lot of times he could stuff it down and quiet, if not silence it. Today it was loud. But, he decided, maybe not quite as loud as yesterday.
Maybe he was beginning to pull out of this funk. He was thinking about playing again and actually felt like he wanted to. Maybe he would go to team training in the morning. It would be good to do that, even if he didn't go all out like he usually did. He texted Coach to tell him he'd try to come by in the morning and felt satisfied that he'd actually accomplished something today, even though it was a very small thing.
That evening, Atsumu brought over some onigiri from Onigiri Miya. He also wanted to check up on his friend and teammate.
"Thanks for bringing this, Tsum-Tsum. You know I love your brother's onigiri."
"Yeah, I guess it's good," said Atsumu, not wanting to give his brother too much credit. "How are you feeling, Bokkun?"
Bokuto was currently stuffing his mouth so he needed a minute to answer.
"Eh. Okay. A little better."
"Do ya think you'll come back to practice soon?"
Bokuto told Atsumu between bites, "I told Coach I'd be at training in the morning. I probably won't go all out, but I need to get my body moving again."
"That's great, Bokkun. How about I come by and pick you up on my way?"
"Sure," replied Bo.
"Would you like to stay for dinner, Miya-san?"
"Nah. Thanks though. You two just enjoy yer food. I'll see you tomorrow."
After Atsumu left, Akaashi joined Bokuto at the table and dived into the delicious onigiri. They ate in silence for a while, before Akaashi ventured, "I'm glad you want to go back to practice."
"Yeah," said Bokuto. "Me too."
They continued eating and didn't have much to say. It was still awkward between them since Bokuto was still of the opinion that Akaashi was better off without him and Akaashi was adamant that he was. Not. Fucking. Leaving.
"So, are we going to talk about this again?" asked Bo.
"Talk about what?" asked Akaashi, playing dumb.
Bokuto responded, "How I am no good for you. How I'll just hurt you. How you can't possibly want this life. And how you should get up and walk out and find someone worthy of you and never come back." When he finished and met Akaashi's cold blue gaze, he thought, Oh, no. That look is back.
"You know how I feel. I'm not leaving. EVER. That's that. Get over it."
Bokuto was irritated now because, seriously, arguing with this Akaashi was infuriating. He just did not seem to understand what he was getting into.
"Akaashi, seriously. How can you say that? How can you do this? How are you going to keep going through this over and over? It's a nightmare. No one would choose that."
Akaashi sat for several beats before answering. Again, Bokuto was a bit afraid of this cool but clearly irate Akaashi.
"How am I going to get through it? I'm just going to love you until you're you again. Doesn't sound all that hard to me." Bokuto looked at his boyfriend as if trying to make out the meaning of an abstract painting.
"You really think it's that easy?" he asked after a short silence.
Akaashi shrugged, "Why wouldn't it be? Why is this different from diabetes? Why is this different from any other illness or disease you might have?" He looked again into Bokuto's eyes and seemed to dare him to disagree.
Bokuto finally said, "It is different. Because I could, no I probably WILL hurt you. Diabetes doesn't hurt anyone besides the person who has it."
Akaashi was quiet for a moment, weighing his boyfriend's words. He finally said, "I think any illness someone has affects the people who love them in some way. This is perhaps more difficult than some illnesses, but it's the same idea." He raised his blue eyes to meet Bokuto's golden gaze, silently daring him to disagree.
"Akaashi, even if you yourself could tolerate this, we have no future. Don't you want to have a family someday?"
"I don't know. I guess. But I don't see what that has to do with anything."
"Because," Bokuto's voice was a bit more urgent now. "Kids can't be around this. Kids should NOT see this." For some reason, Bo realized that Akaashi now looked pissed off.
"Bokuto-san, how often does this happen? These episodes?"
Bokuto looked a little confused at what he perceived was a change in topic. "I don't know. Once a year, maybe twice."
"And the episodes last how long?" Akaashi was like a prosecutor interrogating a witness and Bokuto thought his demanding presence was more than just a little intimidating.
"Maybe two weeks."
"Mmm, so if we were to have a future together and that future involved children, we could figure something out for those two weeks a year or even four if necessary. We could have them stay with your parents or mine. Or even Kageyama and Hinata for that matter. We could figure something out."
Bokuto tilted his head a bit to the side and studied Akaashi's face. He looked beautiful, Bokuto thought, sitting there all stubborn and determined. Did he have a point? Could this be something that could be dealt with in the long run? And most importantly, could someone really, truly love him through these episodes until he was himself again?
Bokuto was not sure what to say in response. The arguments in his head sounded weak even to himself. He had to admit, this determined, calculating Akaashi was wearing down even his hyper-critical emotional voice. Oh, it was still there, taunting him, belittling him, berating him, but somehow it wasn't able to do as much damage because Akaashi's belief in him, in them, muffled it.
Bokuto dropped his head to stare at his food. Akaashi continued, "You're not going to argue with me?"
When Bokuto looked up, Akaashi saw a flare of something he hadn't seen in Bokuto all week - amusement.
"Nah, not right now. It's too hard for me to win," Bokuto teased with a half-smile. Akaashi half-smiled back and they finished their dinner. That evening, Akaashi slept soundly and comfortably in Bokuto's bed.