The Tiger Inside

By Nasu Hasami

"You are deep in my heart."

~Qin Guan~

101. Rebirth

Qilin Li knows he is weak to the woman attempting to seduce him with hooded eyes. He knows he should have escorted her home after the banquet, yet he accepted her desire for a stroll through the gardens, and now they are walking through the barracks, moving closer and closer to her horse. Li knows Hua well enough to see she has some kind of mischief planned. Then he is struck down with the memory of the last time they were in the stables, and the thrill of that perfect yet terrifying moment moves through him with a sweet ache. For that single passionate encounter, Li Shang would have marched into a thousand battles.

'Ride with me,' begs Hua as she pulls on his robes. 'If you cannot let me leave unescorted, ride with me.'

Her small hands settles over his heart. 'Shang,' she says. 'The palace is occupied with rich wine and dancers. Let us have this night to ourselves. No one will care if we indulge a little.'

His name sounds like a prayer on her lips and it eats into his soul. The qilin-general is bewitched by the idea of indulging a little with Hua as the palace celebrates.

'We must be back before sunrise.' The words slip from his lips as though she placed them in his mouth. 'No one can know.'

Chancellor Hua gifts him with a smile that could melt snow. 'Thank you.'

Despite the late hour, the palace guards do not question them as they trot outside the gates. The city streets are quiet, and they remain undetected. The city guards let them pass, assuming they are on official business. The qilin-general thinks it is an odd thing when he is dressed in his court robes and Hua is clad in her summer finery.

A few miles from the city and they break into a gallop, rushing towards the river. The moon is high over the water as the lady-chancellor sheds her cloak and lets her horse drink.

Hua Mulan is the whole world, thinks Li Shang. It's a treasonous thought, but it is only treasonous to the state. It is not treasonous to his heart.

'I think about the night on my pavilion often; the night I danced for you.' The lady-chancellor speaks quietly as she approaches the qilin-general. 'I wish that things were different for us. I wish that wasn't one night I am forced to cherish.'

'I think of you often,' confesses Li. 'More than I should, but as I've said before, I do not believe my grandfather intends you for me. If I was meant for you, we'd be married and settled far away from the banalities of court.'

'If I was not meant for you,' argues Hua, 'why are our paths entwined as the necks of mandarin ducks?'

The lady-chancellor is looking at him with those eyes again and it is all too much. It is too much, and it is not enough. It is rough, but Li pulls her to him and seals her mouth with the pain of never being wholly hers to love. Salty tears damp the qilin-general's cheeks as the lady-chancellor surrenders to his embrace.

'Don't cry,' he commands the lady in his arms. 'Please, don't cry. It kills me.'

Hua whimpers as she settles against his chest. Her small hands cling to his robes as though she is afraid he will disappear forever if she eases her grip.

'You have my fealty,' promises the qilin-general. 'Even if we cannot be together in this life, you are all I want. I will marry no one else.'

'Tell me you'll find me again, in our next lives, and the ones after?' Chancellor Hua is demanding as she pulls on Li's collar, tears slipping down her cheeks. 'Even if it's a lie, tell me you'll wait for me.'

'Life after life,' swears Qilin Li. 'I will be waiting.'

~Fin~