He forgets to talk to Jack, and Sean doesn't mention it again—so he doesn't think he needs to talk to his boys—after all, he isn't suicidal…is he? A few college boys telling his son he should kill himself—if Jack isn't mentioning it, then it can't be that big a deal, right?
It's three months later that he has a suicide case. Forgiveness has been heavy on his mind and heart lately—he's had some long conversations with Padre Donovan about that very topic, especially after the case with Delgado's son—but he's still…surprised that he respects Jules Sarina for taking her own life.
He's had suicide cases before—more than he likes to think about—but never one where he's respected the victim for taking his or her own life.
He knows the stereotype that suicide's cowardly, but this one actually is: Sarina killed herself rather than get caught.
He also knows the truth, that suicide is often done out of insurmountable pain—he saw that in the case of Corporal Russell, whose death still gives him nightmares every January.
But Sarina wasn't in pain. She killed herself because she couldn't face the consequences of what she'd done, because she couldn't take responsibility, because she didn't want to spend the rest of her life in jail. That makes her a coward to him.
He leaves quickly after that awkward family dinner, afraid his dad or Erin or Sean will start asking questions he doesn't want to answer.
They get home, and Sean goes to the kitchen and opens the fridge.
He's halfway up the stairs when Sean says from below him, "Dad, what did you mean when you said you respected that woman for committing suicide?"
The kid sounds scared, and Danny rubs the back of his neck. He's too tired for this right now. "You heard me, Sean. She did something awful and she was too much of a coward to take responsibility for what she'd done and accept the consequences—years in jail. So she…killed herself."
"Wouldn't you respect her more if she'd owned up to it?"
"She did, in a way. Innocent people don't kill themselves. She knew she was guilty; she didn't want to go to jail; so she punished herself."
"So would…would you kill yourself because you still blame yourself for Mom's death?"
The question knocks the breath out of him. He grabs the banister as his knees buckle, sinks onto a step. "Sean, I…where did you get that idea?"
"Which one? Because don't try to tell me you don't still blame yourself for Mom's death."
His shoulders slump. "I'm…working on it, Sean; that's why I still see Doc. What…what makes you think I would kill myself?"
"You just freaking said you respected someone for killing herself! How could you—especially after I told you that I know you have risk factors for…becoming a…cop statistic?"
This is not a conversation he'd ever thought he'd have with his 17-year-old. "Sean, I don't know what I meant. Can we please…can we table this discussion until after I talk with Doc?"
"Yeah," Sean sighs, and stomps to his room.
He had meant—after he talks with Doc at his session tomorrow—but after an hour of trying to distract himself from Sean's words that he still blames himself for Linda's death, he dials the familiar number.
He's barely finished telling him about the dinner conversation when Doc says, "I'll be there in 40 minutes, Danny."
"Doc, you don't have to…"
"I will see you in 40 minutes. Go play a game of cards with Sean, or something."
A/N: Any thoughts/insights as to what Danny meant by these four statements at family dinner, are much appreciated:
Forgiveness is over-rated
Most people ask for forgiveness because they can't forgive themselves, so they go looking for some phony affirmation that somebody knows they meant well.
We don't have to worry about forgiving her now, 'cause she killed herself. She couldn't forgive herself and didn't want to waste everyone's time asking them to, so she did what she did.
Funny thing is as cowardly as it is, I kind of respect her for it.
And if you were Sean, or Frank, or Erin—what would you think about Danny's words?