Chapter Three
It has been four days since I walked away from Connor in the Doctor's Lounge. Every time I had passed him in the corridor at Med, there had been a deafening silence and I had quickly hurried past trying to avoid eye contact.
I didn't know why it was so difficult, I loved Connor, I used to speak to him about everything and then Amelia died and it was like I was drowning. He kept going to work, he always seemed so calm and collected and then there was me… lying in bed for hours at a time feeling empty.
Shaking away those memories, I grabbed my coffee cup from the counter in the Doctor's Lounge and walked into the ED, ready for another busy day. As I picked up an already hefty pile of paperwork, I noticed Ava and Connor having a hushed conversation in the corner. He used to smile at me like that. As I was about to turn away and walk into my office, I heard the dreaded words, '...do you want to go out sometime, a coffee maybe?' A single tear fell down my face, my marriage was over and it was all my fault.
The rest of the day, I spent in my office, completing paperwork, avoiding Connor and Ava. I took my phone out and sent a text. The famous 'we need to talk.' We definitely needed to talk.
As my shift ended, I walked into Molly's and ordered a pint- I could not get through this talk sober. Finally, Connor arrived and sat down beside me in the booth. I took a deep breath and said the words that I had been meaning to say for a year but hadn't been able to.
'I'm so sorry Connor. I'm so so sorry Connor, I never meant to leave things the way I did. I just couldn't cope, our daughter died and I'm never going to know why and it kills me. You always seemed so calm about it and there I was deadweight just drowning more and more everyday. So I left, I couldn't stay with you and feel like her death was all my fault.' Then the full blown sobbing started.
'I wanted to phone, I really did but I didn't feel like I could. I love you Connor, I just want to be us again.'
Finally, Connor looked up, taking deep breaths. 'You broke my heart Sarah, I lost my daughter and then I lost my wife, it was like you weren't there anymore and there was nothing I could do to fix it. It killed me. I'm glad you're feeling better, but you can't just expect me to welcome you back into my life like you didn't hurt me Sar. I love you, but I don't think I am in love with you anymore. I need to move on.'
Wiping away my tears, I looked up, 'I'm sorry Connor, I know I can't.' 'Then you have to let me go,' he whispered. He laid some bills on the table, turned away and walked out of Molly's, taking my heart with him.