She said she'd be visiting the shop often, and yet, she hasn't appeared even once. It's been over a week since then. Kazutora was starting to get worried, while Chifuyu nonchalantly brushed it off as her probably being busy, each time Kazutora voiced his concerns. He would occasionally tease his employee as being lovestruck and impatient, but nothing more than that. However, days kept passing without change. He regularly visited Mrs. Baji, but didn't dare to ask about Fuyuko, and she didn't mention her niece either, not even once.
Weeks turned into a month, and then two, without any sign of Fuyuko. Peke J. Junior grew into a teenage cat, full of mischief, and cute and cuddly to no end. Each time Kazutora would come to visit his "mother", the cat would immediately jump into his lap and ask for pets, which he never denied him. But each time Peke J. would run up to him and swirl around his legs like cats do, he would remember that Fuyuko had simply vanished. It wasn't just a couple of days anymore... It was getting serious, he thought. He had to ask his Mom. With all his inner might, he suppressed his awkwardness and anxiety, and spoke up.
- O-kaa-san, I've been wondering for a while... what happened with Tsukishiro-san? I haven't seen her ever since your birthday, and she promised to drop by Chifuyu's shop. Is she doing alright?
- Oh, I was afraid you would ask. She's just fine, but, you see, she found out about your past... I'm sorry, maybe it wasn't my business to tell her, but she insisted on knowing who you were, and why she never met you before, when she knew all of Keisuke's friends.
- I see... - his voice showed his disappointment. - Please don't apologize, O-kaa-san, it was only to be expected. I was afraid it was something like that. I'm just relieved to hear she's doing ok. I was getting worried. Has she visited you in the meantime?
- She has, a couple of times. But she makes sure to avoid you, and I promised her I'd keep you two apart, I'm sorry. I figured you started liking her, no?
- It's ok, O-kaa-san, I understand. I wouldn't want to impose, anyway. Just... will you please tell her that I'm so very sorry for everything, and that I never had any intention of hiding my past?
- She knows that. I told her everything. I told her your side of the story as well. She understands your situation rationally, but her love for Keisuke who she saw as an actual brother she never had prevents her from forgiving you yet. That's why she decided to avoid you for the time being, until she's able to process her own feelings.
Kazutora sighed painfully. - I understand. - his voice was soft and sad. He lowered his glance to the floor. - I cannot expect her to forgive me. Just like I couldn't expect anyone else to forgive me...
Mrs. Baji felt sorry for him. - Don't be so negative, Kazutora-kun. Keisuke forgave you, I'm sure of it. And if he can forgive you, everyone else can, too! Just give her some time, she'll come around... Please, cheer up.
He smiled sadly at her.
Not that he ever had any plausible right or reason to hope he'd stand a chance with Fuyuko in a million years, he knew that it was impossible, but there was a part of him, deep inside, that wholeheartedly wanted it to happen. Ever since he saw that angelic smile of hers in Chifuyu's shop a few months before.
He knew he had no right to, but he was heartbroken. As he always did whenever he had some inner troubles, he kept visiting the cemetery to "talk" to Baji about it. It never failed to give him the much-needed peace of mind. He sat on the ground in front of the grave, leaning his back to the cold tomb stone. He lit a cigarette to calm himself down a bit. Exhaling the smoke in a painful sigh, he looked up, as if he expected to see his friend in the heavens. "Baji... what do I do? Say, if things were different, if none of this shit had happened, if everything was the way it used to be... if you were here... would you approve of my feelings for your cousin? Would you be ok with me trying to court her? Please, man, give me a sign... even if you wouldn't approve of it, just say so." The gentle breeze swirled his loose hair, bringing those blond locks across his face, and making his oversized gray bomber jacket softly rustle.
- You're a sorry sight, Hanemiya-san. - a familiar voice called coldly.
He brushed his disheveled hair away from his face and turned his gaze towards the voice. A pair of piercing eyes fixated their firm gaze on him. "What a glare... One can clearly tell they're related!"
- Tsukishiro-san... - he greeted her softly. - Good evening. I haven't seen you in a while. How have you been?
- You know - A mild dose of frustration and anger still evident in her voice - It's weird. Seeing YOU here, at Kei-nii's grave... It makes me feel sick.
She took a deep sigh. He just sat there silently, stealing an occasional glance at her, mindlessly holding a burning off cigarette. After those few moments she needed to regain her composure, Fuyuko spoke again.
- But I guess it also means auntie said the truth... Say, Hanemiya-san, how do you live with the weight of what you've done?!
He looked away and sighed, taking that last smoke from an almost wasted cigarette.
- I don't... - he half whispered. - I don't live. I exist. I survive. But it's not living. It's... purgatory. I haven't killed myself yet for one reason only. - He started opening up without thinking, still unable to look her in the face again.
She listened attentively.
- What reason? ...if you don't mind my asking.
- I promised myself, I promised Baji and Shin'ichiro-kun that I'd devote my life to protecting everything and everyone they ever cared about. As a form of atonement... I don't seek happiness in this so-called "life". I know I don't deserve it. - He made a facepalm gesture, brushing his hair up from his face. - I'm only alive so that I can keep their wills alive. And... - he hesitated for a moment.
- And...? - she was intrigued enough to want to hear the rest of it.
- And because it would have been too easy of an exit for me. - he sighed his words away, lighting another cigarette, and hurriedly taking a smoke.
She was speechless for a moment. Not quite what she expected to hear. Although, she didn't even know what exactly she expected. Just... not this. Not to meet him here tonight, first and foremost. Not to see him so depressed. And most certainly, not to hear what she just heard.
- I see... - she whispered, barely audibly. She made a few steps closer to the grave, which made him finally turn his gaze towards her. She held a small bouquet of white flowers and some incense. He quickly read the room and got up to make space for her to put them on the grave.
- May I borrow your lighter? ...For the incense... - she asked, not even looking at him.
- Oh... sure thing. Here. - He placed the lighter on the gravestone, beside the incense burner.
- Thanks.
- No problem.
Silence. Awkward, loud, soul crushing silence.
- Uhm... - they both attempted to break it at the same time, their eyes meeting each other.
- Oh... sorry... I interrupted. You go first, please.
- Oh, it's ok... I just wondered what you were doing here this late?
- Well, I usually hang out here with Baji when I'm feeling down. It makes me deal with life easier. He's still an amazing listener. - he chuckled awkwardly. - What about you, though? I was about to ask you the same, why are you here this late?
- I couldn't make it earlier, because I had some stuff to take care of for the company... And, honestly, - she chuckled at the irony, - I wanted to make sure I'd avoid you.
He couldn't help but find it funny, too.
- Well, I guess you just had bad luck this time. ...Sorry, though.
- Why are you apologizing?
- For being here at the same time as you. I heard from your aunt you wanted to avoid me, and I just appeared in front of you like that. It wasn't intentional, but still... Sorry.
She giggled. - Don't be. Surprisingly, I don't mind that you're here, actually... And thanks for letting me use your lighter. In all the rush, I completely forgot to bring one. I wouldn't have been able to light the incense otherwise, so I guess there was a reason for running into you here, after all. - she said in a significantly friendlier tone, giving him back his lighter.
He smiled politely at her. - Keep it.
- Eh...?
- That way you'll be able to light the incense next time, even if I'm not here. - he smiled.
- Oh, ok... Thanks. Well, I guess I'll be going now. Bye. - she turned and started walking away, without waiting for his response.
- Tsukishiro-san! - he called. She stopped and looked back, without fully turning around to face him. - Uhm... please be careful... on your way home. It can be dangerous this late at night. I... I wouldn't be able to face O-kaa-san or Baji if anything happened to you! - he continued.
She turned away again. - Well, Hanemiya-san, if you are so worried about my safety, why not walk me home yourself and protect me? - her voice slightly disdainful.
He ran up to her. - A-are you... are you really ok with that? I mean... I didn't dare suggest it, because I didn't want to bother you, or for you to think that I'm some sort of a creep, or... - he was flustered. She just giggled mischievously.
- It's alright. I want you to walk me home, actually. I'd like to talk to you some more.
His blood rushed to his face, making him as red as a boiled lobster. "Good thing it's dark and I'm walking behind her", he thought. "This is embarrassing!" But thousands of butterflies suddenly fluttered up in his stomach all at once. He felt excited and ecstatic to no end!
She kept asking him about his job, Chifuyu, his relationship with him, his journey through rehabilitation, and his past, and he was more than happy to answer everything, no matter how tricky the subject. He left nothing behind. There he was, metaphorically naked in front of her. Hanemiya Kazutora with all his flaws and faults at full frontal display. He didn't have much more than honesty to offer to her, so he used it to the maximum.
And she could tell that he was honest. She could tell that it was difficult to talk about certain things from his past, and how much he struggled to tell her everything even about those things, without bursting into tears, or getting a panic attack. And she deeply appreciated it.
- Hanemiya-san, thank you.
- For what? I really didn't do much...
- Well, aside from walking me home, I mean, thank you for opening up your soul to me. I appreciate your honesty.
- No need to thank me, Tsukishiro-san, it was the least I could do since you wanted to know. Besides, it was my pleasure to tell you. I...
- Yes?
- Oh, it's nothing.
- Please, go on. I want to hear what you have to say.
- I have no right to say it... - he averted his eyes to the ground.
- Please... Don't be silly. What is it?
He covered his mouth with the back of his fist to hide his obvious nervousness.
- I want... I mean, I would like... for us to... to get to know each other. - He blushed visibly. - If possible... But I'm aware of the fact that it's too selfish, and I don't want you to think that I would ever overstep your boundaries, or that I don't know my place. So, even if it's only one sided, I'll always let you know whatever you want to know about me! And please don't think that I expect you to tell me anything about yourself... I already know enough...
His words cut deep. Yet another thing she couldn't ever expect from him. Was that a confession? Or just some weird attempt at making friends? Or... whatever it was, it now gave her that same cutting feeling in her stomach, that makes one's blood rush to their cheeks. She prayed to all the gods she knew of that it wasn't showing on her face!
"What the hell...? Am I... feeling butterflies?! No, no, no, no way! Hell no! I must be just tired!" she tried reasoning with herself.
- Tsukishiro-san? Is everything ok? I'm so sorry if I said something wrong...
- Oh, no... not at all! Sorry, I spaced out for a moment. But yeah, sure, I'm fine with us getting to know each other better. I'll have to excuse myself now, I'm getting tired. Thanks again for tonight. I'll make sure to drop by Fuyu-nii's shop one of these days! Goodnight!
She stormed into her apartment, and he barely managed to say a confused 'Goodnight' back to her.
Her heart was beating fast, her cheeks blushing like crazy. His words kept ringing inside her head. "Am I really having this kind of reaction because of none other but the guy who killed Kei-nii?! What's wrong with you, Fuyuko?! Don't let him get under your skin just because he's decent enough to own up to his sins! He's still a murderer! Kei-nii would never approve of this!"
She suddenly remembered the fact that her dear brother-figure cousin died protecting Kazutora, and he valued him as his closest friend till the very end, despite everything. She looked at an old picture of her and Baji from when they were kids. He was 13, and she was 9. They stood side by side, hugging and grinning ear to ear. It was just a little bit before her family moved abroad. "Kei-nii... what do I do? What do you think of this mess? Please, give me a sign what to do!"