The Peace That Passes All Memories Extras:

Chapter 4:

It was Evelyn's turn now to pace. It had been two hours since Bucky had disappeared out into the forest because he had an intense nightmare. She knew it was very like him to go a run away but that didn't help her worry any less.

"Can you please stop pacing?" Shuri looked concerned over at her friend, "You're making my head hurt!"

Evelyn looked at her and then her shoulders slumped.

"I'm so sorry. I guess I got a little carried away." Evelyn sat down on the couch right next to Shuri, "But what if he got hurt? What if he's been captured? I can't just sit here and do nothing when he's out there alone and hurting."

"Evelyn," Shuri looked straight at her and expressed her disbelieving look, "He's an enhanced super human. If anyone is equipped to survive out there, it's him. Besides, I can definitely reassure you that no one is going to come after him and capture him. My brother and I have made sure of that."

Evelyn sighed and then just tried to think of anything else other than him being hurt and alone.

"I know. You're right. I just can't help but worry sometimes." Evelyn fidgeted in her seat, sitting on her hands for fear of biting her nails.

"Then if you're that concerned I can go get Ayo to go look for him. Out of all of the Dora Milage, she's the best tracker we have."

Evelyn nodded her head.

"Okay. Sure." Evelyn smiled at Shuri apprehensively and then looked toward the door as if she was expecting Bucky to return this very moment.

"Alright. I'll go call her." Shuri smiled and then left the room.

This left Evelyn to her own thoughts. What happened to Bucky that made him so frightened? Was it the thought of almost killing her? Was it the act of putting his hands around her throat? She couldn't tell unless she learned more about the nightmare he had endured.

"Ayo is on her way. She said when she finds him, she'll put her tracer on from her Kimoyo beads. There you will be able to find him."

"Can you show me how to find that?"

Shuri quickly showed her how the tracking system within the beads worked.

"She'll find him, then you'll find him."

Now it was a waiting game. They would eventually find him and then she'd go see him. It was all going to work out in the end.

All Bucky did was run that very early morning. The stars were still up, the moon lit his path like it had earlier that night. He remembered Evelyn's words on how the moon made her feel at home when it lit up the night sky. But it didn't do anything for him.

In fact, all it did was illuminate his problems.

He sat in the forest overlooking a clearing at the base of a slope. It wasn't extremely steep and it wasn't a far drop but it was enough to make sure that he would remain hidden from anyone above him, and stay invisible to anyone who might look up from the cliff which laid at his feet. He stayed in the shadows as he watched the nightlife as it crossed his eye line. He wished to be apart of the creatures' carefree life. He wished that it was something that he could experience.

But if the nightmare from earlier had any proof it was this; he'd never be free. If he tried to fight the people who were helping him, he'd push them away. If others came for him, he'd live a life of imprisonment. One of which he had experienced first hand for over seventy years. It was a life he hated now that he was in his right mind.

If he let himself believe that he was free, he felt like he had to compromise the fact that he did kill everyone of the people that he was tasked with killing. It was like Bucky would have to forget. Which on one hand, he really wished he could have. On the other hand, he didn't want to forget. It would remind him of who he was.

A killer. A cold stone hard killer.

He thought about what Ayo said about him being free. It was more like he was in check and had a way to overcome the words. He was still trapped within his own mind. A mind that formed more of a maze than a path out.

He just sunk down near a tree close to a small pond sitting in the middle of the clearing. The night sky was reflected in the calm waves of the lake. He wished that's where his mind was But the memories were still too fresh and vivid to shake them.

"There you are White Wolf!" It was Ayo's voice.

Bucky whipped his head around and grew tense until he realized who he was behind him. He sighed and then resumed his stare out on the water.

Ayo first just stood behind him watching the waves too. She then decided to join him sitting on the ground.

"You know, Evelyn is worried about you." Ayo looked at the side of Bucky's face and saw the fear there. She hadn't seen this in his expression before.

"I know." He turned his head away for a bit as the emotions threatened to return.

"You can't hide out here forever you know that right?"

"I know." Bucky felt his voice choke at the mention of the thought he couldn't stay out here. The fear alarms in his head screamed danger and that he shouldn't listen to her.

Ayo just remained quiet. She let him just sit there in silence for a bit. She then remembered to turn on her tracer for Evelyn to find them. It was quick and unnoticeable. Ayo then turned her attention back to Bucky who had gone silent and was looking down at the ground. He seemed ashamed, scared even. Which was so unlike him. And then decided to pick his brain.

"What is wrong White Wolf?" Ayo once again turned to face him looking rather concerned. She watched his shoulders and saw how they rose and fell rather dramatically as he tried to compose himself.

"You shouldn't be here around me." She watched as Sergeant Barnes' gaze finally turned toward hers, "I'm…I'm a monster."

Thats when she saw a tear.

"You are not a monster."

"Yes I am!" He started to raise his voice in a small fit of panic, "I almost killed Evelyn tonight. I've killed almost everyone I've met that wasn't my handlers. It's ingrained deeply on me."

She took a sharp breath and tried to ignore the labored breathing of her patient and just kept talking.

"I was told you were having a nightmare. You can't control what you do when you're asleep."

"But I didn't do it because of my nightmare. I just woke up from it."

Silence again filled the space between them

"That doesn't make you a monster. That makes you broken." Ayo patted his knee which turned his head down to her hands, "If you were a monster, you wouldn't have been allowed within these borders I can assure you that."

"But then what about all the people that I killed when I was…..him? I killed most of them in cold blood. What about that?"

"That just makes the people around you the monsters. You were coerced into doing what you do. From what I know about you now, you wouldn't do anything like what you sis while you were him by choice." Ayo hoped that her words meant something to him. "I know what happened. Or parts of it anyway. It was horrible what you went through. I can't imagine all the pain, fear and torture you went through just to make you into him." She turned to look out at the same city that he had just been gazing upon the city below. Ayo took in the sights and just sat there with the one man everyone in Wakanda who knew him wanted to help, "I know so many people here who know you want to help you. So let us in. We can handle your out breaks more than you might realize."

This garnered a smirk from the man. Bucky had often thought about how T'Challa more times than not bested him in the few fights he had with the man. They were powerful warriors who could help if his alter ego came out once again.

"I just really want to be left alone." Bucky explained to her. He had been around people who would use him for his might and all he had to fight for was taken away 70 years ago. And then the very thing that was taken away was suddenly given back to him. It wasn't something he ever thought possible and that scared him. He didn't want to live a life where he lived in constant fear even when he was free. He really wanted to just go hide outside in a deserted forest and just live out the rest of his life like it didn't matter.

"Did you really think you would be able to run away from me?" Bucky sat up straighter at the sound of her voice. The very voice he didn't want to have here right now. The voice that belonged to the individual whom he almost killed. He watched as she smirked at him and started to walk forward. But then out of no where, she tripped on a tree root and fell the rest of the way down the small hill, landing directly next to him. She looked dazed which made him almost break out of the somber mood that he had found him in.

Bucky then walked back over to her and pulled her to her feet. He noticed a scraped knee and the small trickle of blood that started to gently flow down it. Bucky quickly leaned down and started to check it out.

"Are you okay?" Once satisfied she was okay, he settled down into his seat before sighing and looking up at her with a tear streaked face, "This is all my fault. I shouldn't have run and you wouldn't be injured."

"It's not your fault Bucky! You were scared. I'll probably have a few bruises but nothing I can't handle. I'm truly okay. You don't need to worry." She smiled warmly at him. She then began to walk closer to him, "Now, I'll repeat my question. Did you really think you could run away from me?"

"Yes! No….I don't know." Bucky shrugged and fiddled with the blanket a bit more before it became comfortable. It was rather difficult to think right now with Evelyn nearby, "Also how did you find me?"

"Ayo was carrying a tracker which she kindly activated for me once she found you."

She walked over behind him and wrapped the blanket tighter around his shoulders. Bucky took note how she was being extra careful to not to touch his injured shoulder too much.

"Tell me, what were you thinking you were going to do? Keep running from those who would only want what's best for you or actually fight your fears to get through all of this?" Bucky met Evelyn's gaze when she sat down next to her. His gaze then when back out to the moon and the reflection it had over everything he saw in front of him.

"Like I told Ayo Evelyn, I…all I've ever known was either fight or flight. I was good at both. But when I did have a chance to be myself, it was always hijacked by the next person who wanted to use me for my abilities. I always had to look over my shoulder. I couldn't even rest. Even here, when I'm free of people like that, I'm still watching my back. Not for those who would abuse me, but how I might react."

Bucky just sighed and tried to relax when she placed her hand on his knee.

"You know Bucky, like people have probably told you over and over again they can literally see what they did to you was horrible, it doesn't make it not happen. I wish I could take away the pain or wave some magic wand over you and take away all this trauma but I can't. I can stand by you and have stood by you and even Steve. I've fought with you and for you when you were framed. I even fought beside the very king giving you refuge right now. People are going to get hurt no matter what we do. But if you run away, you might cause more pain than you realize. It breaks my heart that I can't seem to get through to you that and that aIl want to help you."

"The reason I run away is because I'm afraid alright?" Bucky stood swiftly, letting the blanket fall off of his shoulders, "I'm afraid of dragging you all into the hell hole that is my mind. I'm not worth saving. The things that they did to me made me far worse than I can even being to describe. I almost hurt you because of those memories. Now these nightmares plague me more than I've ever had before. I'm reliving every moment of my time as the Winter Soldier. It's like it's happening right in front of me for a second time. I just can't go through that again and again and not risk hurting someone."

"It's because you haven't known what it's like to be free in a really long time. For your whole life, you've lived at the beckoning call of whoever needed you. You never got to experience being a normal human being. You never got the chance to experience life as I have."

"And I don't expect to ever be free. I'm a broken man, Evelyn. I'm constantly living int he fear of my own mind. Not able to let my guard down because once I do, people like Zemo come in and take the reins all over again."

"Then let's push through that fear together. I'm not going to leave you until you are free from these thoughts okay?" Bucky sighed when she started to rub his shoulder. It felt good. He didn't know how or why, but it felt good. "Now, why don't we head back and you can get some rest?"

Bucky watched as Evelyn stood up and started to walk away. He didn't follow though. He just stayed right where he was, watching the light of the morning start to creep up over the mountains that surrounded the clearing.

He then felt a small set of arms start to snake their way around his broad shoulders. He looked up and saw her standing vigil over him looking down into his eyes like he was the best thing in the world. Bucky thought about it for a second. She was one of the few people who had stuck by his side throughout a;; o this. Maybe it was best for him to five her a chance.

Evelyn must have noticed his lost in thought look when she smiled warmly down at him and kissed the top of his head. He saw the concern and love in her eyes. She genuinely wanted to help him. Now he just had to convince himself that was the case.

"You're so warm." Bucky felt her chuckle at the mention of his body heat, "On a complete side note, I wanted to let you know that I love our conversations together."

His eyes darted to his shoulder when he felt her hand rest gently on it. He then moved his right one to hers and just held it.

"Thank you for letting me talk." Bucky smiled as he met her eyes again. He quickly released her hand and then wiped a tear from his face.

Bucky blushed when she kissed him again on the forehead this time.

"I do it because I love you." Bucky suddenly looked her way and saw that she had blushed, "Oh gosh! I just said that didn't I? Please forget I said that!"

Bucky watched as she flustered her way through her sentence. Obviously, she hadn't expected to say that much less in front of him. She apparently must have been feeling that way for some time if she even thought of saying out loud now.

"I'm sorry, I made things awkward!" Evelyn put her hands on her face, "But I truly meant what I said. I won't leave you. I'm going to stick with you till the end of the line, if you'll permit me to steal that line."

Bucky just laughed out loud and genuinely which I think caught everyone off guard.

"I guess I don't have a choice in the matter now do I?" Bucky looked up at her and gave her hand a gentle squeeze before standing.

"Alright then stubborn. Let's go home."