And I am telling you, I'm not going.
"Letting go doesn't mean that you don't care about someone anymore, it's realizing that the only person you really have control over is yourself."
She stood watching the arrivals waiting for him to return, it had been a long time coming and they'd both fought to keep things going, but today she'd realised it wasn't supposed to be, and right now it felt like the saddest day of her life, because today she was about to prove that love didn't conquer all.
Flashback
Things had all changed six months after she agreed to that change in their lives, but as usual they'd always managed to gloss over it with sex, after which she'd always settle int the fact that it was just easier for everything to stay the way they were, in the hope that things would somehow work out, that those old feelings might come back again. The pain of staying together was easier than the trauma of ending things, that was unimaginable.
They'd both fell out of painful relationships and unintentionally found themselves slipping into this one so easily it just felt like the right move from day one. Their flirty conversation found them in bed together three days in, and from that day every conversation they ever had led them back to that place where they became one. Those first two years had been all about them, on the day they'd made plans for their future, it felt like things were going in the right direction, then one day Sam walked in with his news.
"Babe" he'd walked into their apartment throwing his briefcase on the couch "I have something to ask" he walked up to her. She looked up from the onions she was peeling, smiling through her tears "What's the matter?" his voice concerned.
"Onions" she giggled.
"Oh" he looked down at the mass of chopped vegetables on the counter "I have something to ask" he grabbed her hand and pulled her into the centre of the kitchen.
"What's up?" she stood watching him take the knife out of her hand to put it on the counter.
"You do know it's two years today?"
"Why do you think I'm cooking us this dinner" she pointed at the cooker.
"Okay" he smiled nervously "I…" he looked into her eyes "I love you, I think we both know that" he smiled "What do you say we get hitched?" he held a small box out to her "Shit" he hissed "That went all wrong" he got on one knee "I meant to ask, will you marry me?" he looked up at her and opened the box awkwardly.
"Babe" she smiled taking the ring out to inspect it, instantly falling in love with it "It's beautiful" she cooed
"I'm so nervous, this is nothing like I rehearsed" he laughed nervously
"It went perfect, yes I will" she pulled him up by the chin
"I promise I'll make more effort on the vows" he stood up pulling her into his arms leaving her lips swollen from the kiss
There was another level of intimacy that followed that proposal for a while, anyone looking would have called the six months that followed their peak, wedding planning was on the way, the parents had been told, life was fast and perfect then just two weeks before their wedding day the bomb hit.
He came rushing in, throwing his briefcase in the air obviously happy about something "Babe" he flopped on the couch "I think Greg's sounding me out for making partner".
"Babe that's great news" she jumped at him "It's what you've always wanted, and you'll be the youngest partner at the firm ever" she sat in his lap genuinely happy for him.
"I know" he looked up at her only half smiling, she knew there was more.
"What's the catch?" she sat straggled on his lap looking at him.
"I've got to go to Texas for three weeks, head up a case over there" he sat waiting for her response, the silence deafening "Normally I'd have said no, but I think this is the test" his eyes evading hers while he delivered the news.
"But we're getting married in three weeks" she used her fingers to lift his head to look at him.
"I know" his eyes sorry as he sat looking back at her "Can we postpone?"
"It's our wedding babe" she got up confused that for the first time something was coming between what they wanted "We said we'd never…"
"…Let anything come between us being us, I know, but babe.." he got up to follow her "This is my shot, I get partner and we're set for life, I'm talking three months tops…"
"Three months" she gasped "I thought you said weeks?"
"There's a lot of work to do on this case babe, I've got to be all in"
"And what about being all in on us?"
"You know I'm all in babe, but we've done two years surely we can wait a few months"
"Surely?" she snapped sarcastically
"I didn't mean it like that, and you know I didn't" he stood in front of her taking in her upset face "Babe" he pulled her with him to sit back down "We love each other and that isn't going anywhere is it?"
"But everything's been planned, we'll lose money and…."
"We love each other" he butted in "And when I make partner, who cares about the pennies we'd have lost?"
"But we won't be married".
"But we'll be able to afford that first hotel you wanted, and a proper honeymoon" he sweetened the plan.
"Three months?" she looked at him still not happy.
"Tops" he promised kissing her
"My parents are going to hate you, you know that?"
"They'll love me when all this comes together" he smiled
"Three months tops?"
"What's that smell?" he stopped to ask, watching her rush off to tend to her burning meal.
They didn't come out of those three months unscathed, there was a distance they'd never imagined could happen to them, it crept in slow and subtle. There were times when it was clear one or the other or both weren't making the effort to communicate, even on the few days they were in the same room, their lives had taken a new turn, he was giving more of himself to the firm trying to make partner, not realising he was leaving her behind and lonely.
"What's this?" he laughed walking into the house to her dancing around to 'Rum & Red Bull' by Beenie Man, Future Fambo & Seanizzle, setting the table while the smells of dinner filled the air.
"I have news" she stopped suddenly, smiling for the first time in the four days he'd been home.
"What's happened?"
"It will mean postponing again" she warned, dancing teasingly towards him "But, we've been there before and well you haven't made partner yet, so I guess…"
"What is it?" he threw his briefcase down before pulling her to him, he was ready to take advantage of this good mood.
"There's something going on with the Royals over in the UK and they want me to cover the story".
"That's great" he laughed picking her up to swing her around, it was the break she's always wanted, to be the lead on a big story, and you didn't get any bigger than reporting on royalty.
"Babe" she giggled at his reaction "Put me down, there's more" she stood looking into his eyes "I'll be there for two months, interviews, write ups, consents and everything".
"Surely that's one weeks, worth of work?"
"Anybody else and maybe, but we have to fit around their schedule and that means it's going to take at least two months".
"At least?" he looked at her shocked "Is this punishment for me being away for three months?"
"What, you think I'd ask Marsha to send me as a punishment?"
"No, it just feels like" he looked at her "We've had like four days together and now you're going off" he closed his eyes for that coming out all wrong "I'm happy for you babe, I really am, I just miss us sometimes".
"I know what you mean" she smiled awkwardly.
"Something is already amiss with us and we're not even giving ourselves enough time to sort it out" he looked into her eyes "I'm just concerned".
"But remember I'm not going anywhere" she kissed his lips lightly.
"So, you keep telling me", he pulled her back in for a deeper kiss "I'm so proud of you"
If there was anything he'd learned about his fiancée it was that nowadays she loved her job, in the past four days there was never a chance he could get her to take a sick hour, or lie about not going, she flat out wouldn't do it. So, him even thinking this might be the wrong time to be apart, even if it was, wasn't the best approach to take in trying to tell her there was something wrong, or that it needed to be fixed.
At the end of those two months, they met at the airport to a hug rather than a jump at your chest passionate crowd cooing kiss, it was a long hug, and there'd been a lot said in it, but other than the whispered I missed you, nothing else, they walked to the car hand in hand but silent.
"This wasn't what I imagined" he told her when they sat in the car, ready to make the journey home.
"Me neither" she finally looked at him "Sorry babe, I've had two months of no physical contact, it's a bit strange".
"Strange to kiss me?" he'd looked at her shocked, she was shocked at saying it.
"No, that's not what I mean, sorry, I've just been up for like twelve hours I just need some sleep can we talk about this after I get some sleep, please?"
"I'm going back to work anyway I just took some time to collect you" he started the car and drove off.
"Sorry babe, did you hear anything about making partner?" she turned to look at him.
"I made partner three weeks ago" he looked at her.
"So why didn't you tell me?"
"You didn't ask" he snapped.
"So now we need to wait to be asked, do we?" upset in her voice.
"I don't know what we do now a days" his eyes fixed on the road "I'll be late home tonight" he added "So don't wait up and get yourself something to eat".
"I've just got home after two months what do you mean you won't be home?"
"I'm a partner now, I have to network, bring business in, meet our important clients, I'm busy".
"Too busy for us?"
"We've been on the back burner for nearly eight months now, I'm sure we can survive my settling in".
"Settling in?" she smiled half proud, half pissed off "Should I have been paraded around a bit by now, as the perspective new Mrs Evans?"
"Had you been available, I'm sure that would have happened".
"Can I come tonight?"
"I don't know" he finally looked at her.
"Why don't you know?" her head tipped asking, not sure if he was joking
"I'd already asked my PA to fill in, I thought you'd be too tired".
"Your PA?" her head slowly swung round to look at him, she knew, he knew her bitch was coming "I didn't know you had a PA what's their name?" trying to change her approach
"Robin" he smiled to himself at her jealous, at least that feeling was still there.
"Robyn" she repeated "And is Robyn spelt with and I or a Y?"
"However, they want to spell it I assume, I don't have call to spell their name" he carried on the suspense, it was feeling like old times already.
"Stop the damn car" she snapped
"We're home in ten seconds" he carried on and stopped on their car park "What?" he asked once he'd stopped the car and turned the engine off.
"I'm not playing this game with you boy, who is this bitch you've got running around the streets with you pretending to be me?"
"I won't have you talking about them like that" he got out the car, slamming the door and walking off towards their building, she jumped out, reached in the back seat to get her purse, and followed him, watching as he turned to lock the car. He was in the escalator and on his way up before she caught up with him, frustrated as hell that she had to wait for the other door to open before she could carry on her now off the hook rage.
She was hell of a mad, it had been just over two months since she'd seen the man and she couldn't believe that this shit was what he was coming to her with, she was beginning to feel her thoughts back in the UK were right maybe theirs wasn't the relationship she was supposed to be in, this was all getting too hard. She stood huffing getting herself fired up, as the elevator climbed the floors to get to their apartment.
Her mind was in overdrive wondering how he dared to defend this bitch against her, and then think it was alright to walk away and leave her hanging, she wasn't just jealous she was livid as she got to the apartment "Babe" she pushed the door to the apartment, damning herself for still calling him that "Babe" her tone changing to impressed as she stood looking at him stood there naked waiting for her "Are we in the same conversation, I mean, I'm fucking mad at you?"
"And I'm ready for makeup sex" he smiled "Any sex actually" he walked towards her.
"You just told me…"
"I didn't tell you anything, you assumed Robin was a female, but the Robin that works for me is a they"
"So why didn't you just say that?" she closed her eyes to take his kiss, there was no hiding it, she was his
"Can we park the conversation for a minute" his lips stopped seconds before they connected "I'm sorry I was such a douchebag earlier, I don't know why I didn't kiss you at the airport, you came at me for a hug, and I just thought you needed that more than a kiss, and I guess we missed our moment".
"I'll have it now" her hand went up to play with his hair, her feelings mixed as she gave herself, a while ago she was all set to let him go, now she was aching for him, their sounds mingled as they urgently administered another plaster on their situation.
"Something's wrong with us babe, we need to fix it" he whispered in her ear, as they lay exhausted on the couch
"We'll fix it" she kissed his chest, satisfied
"I missed you, I missed this" he squeezed her nipple "I want you to come with me tonight, meet everyone, do you want to?"
"Sure, let me get some sleep first though".
"Hate to leave right now, but I really have got to get back to work, I'll pick you up about eight, is that alright?"
That's fine" she watched him get out of bed, twenty minutes later walk out of their bathroom as if the last two hours hadn't happened.
"See you later" he kissed her forehead as he passed "Sweet dreams".
The evening went well, their lives went on for a while, they were back home, having more sex, and entertaining, but the wedding hadn't come up again and that had left doubts in Mercy's mind. This new way of life was so abnormal it had become their normal and they really didn't know what they wanted for themselves, let alone each other. It seemed natural when his late nights turned into weekends away, while her assignments kept reaching further afield for longer.
End of Flashback
Today, nearly four years since they'd got together for love, they were meeting up again after nearly eight weeks apart, the relationship had become so strained she'd welcomed the time out to go off to an assignment in Australia, of course he was also returning from yet another business trip in Mexico too. He'd worked so hard to make partner, but now he'd got it, he seemed to be in a constant battle, fighting to keep hold of the position he'd sold his soul for a year and a half ago.
She'd landed first and stood watching the arrivals waiting for him to return, this had been a long time coming and they'd both fought to keep things going, but she'd realised it wasn't supposed to be, and right now it felt like the saddest day of her life, because today she was about to prove that love didn't conquer all, and she was telling him...
"Hey" she smiled waving aimlessly at him as he walked towards her, her heart breaking at the sight of him.
"Hey" he grabbed her waist and pulled him into her kissing her hard and intimately "I missed you"
"I missed you too" she smiled at the feel of him against her, wondering how this could be the last time she'd feel that, how the hell did love, get to feel like this.
"We need to talk, and I don't mean go home, no more plasters" he warned.
"Oh, okay" she smiled not knowing what to expect "Coffee?"
"I booked us a table in Fargo's, just down here" he pointed in the direction of the restaurant "I just really want to work on us for a while" he grabbed her hand and made off towards the venue.
"What's brought this on?"
"A seminar I attended this week, made me ask myself some serious questions and I thought as a couple we could ask ourselves those same questions, get some focus" he opened the restaurant door for her to step in "Reservation of Evans at 3pm" he told the attendant, following him to their allocated seats "This is good" he told him "We'll have the Firecracker Salmon please, you good with that babe?"
"I'm good with that" she smiled happy he remembered that about her
"With all the trimmings" he looked up at the attendant "A bottle of red and we'll sort desserts after" they watched the man walk away
"So, these questions?" she asked impatiently.
"I was asked was who adds value to my life?" he looked at her "And all I could find to say there was you, I don't show it, hardly ever, unless we're making love or some shit like that, but I forget to tell you, every day, that you are the only person of value to my life"
"And you mine" she smiled grabbing his hand "It's hard sometimes to see the us in the middle of life, and sometimes I forget about us, if I'm honest, I hardly ever think about how you feel in any situation nowadays" she smiled "But then you say shit like that and remind me why there's an us" she smiled at him
"I'm happy I can still take you back there" he smiled "Then I had to ask myself if I would regret it if we ended our relationship?" he looked into her eyes
"It hurts just thinking it, but that's where I thought we were heading before you came at me with this, we don't find time for each other anymore, sometimes it feels like it wouldn't matter if we weren't together anymore, I mean we don't talk to each other, it's like we're living different lives under the same roof sometimes, and neither of us gives a shit, but God it's scary just thinking about that, because I just can't see my life without you in it" she looked into his watering eyes.
"I cried when I had to think about that one too" he wiped his tears away "It was a really emotional question, because I could see that end coming for us too, I mean we've been saying forever we need to talk, but we don't" he smiled "And sex is good, it's always good, but it doesn't solve anything, especially as we're not even trying to mend things" he grabbed her hand tighter "And it made me determined to come home and tell you I want to mend this, I need to mend this"
"Me too" she wiped at tear
"Are we sacrificing too much for our jobs?"
"Yes" she snapped, watching their food come towards them, they both sat smiling at the arriving food, waiting until it was set down and the attendant had disappeared before carrying on the conversation
"You were saying?" he asked
"I was about to say, if we weren't sacrificing too much we wouldn't be sat here today, trying to pull things back, but it's hard for me, I'm not my own boss, I can't change anything in my life right now, except stop what I'm doing and…"
"That's not an option" he grabbed her hand
"So, I can't see change".
"I know you love your job" he squeezed her hand "Sometimes I think you love it more than you love me".
"Never" she smiled.
"But you know you only have to say, if you want to go rouge, I'll make it happen for you".
"Careful with those promises" she warned.
"Always sincere where you're concerned, eat up" he threw food in his mouth, watching her eat for a while before the conversation carried on "The last question they asked brought me back to one of our very first conversations" he smiled "Do we share the same passions, goals and vision for our future?"
"We used to I mean" she smiled "I still want you to be the best you can be by doing whatever you need to do to be that"
"And I want you to be the best you can be too, but…" he stopped to get her attention "Not at the detriment of our relationship, I choose that above everything else".
"So, moving forward?"
"A better work, life balance?" he suggested "Only we have control of that, learn to say no sometimes to each other as well as our bosses"
"I'm all for taking back control" she grinned "Because" she grabbed his hand "I'm telling you Evans…"
"…I'm not going Jones" he assured her "What do you say the next six months we work at getting that wedding back on the cards?"
"What will Greg say about that?"
"I've already told them I have other priorities, so they expect it"
"Gosh" she gasped "I'll speak to Marsha and see if I can slow down too" she smiled, leaning in to kiss his lips "I'm glad we talked"
"Now can we go home and have make up sex?"
"This salmon's good" she evaded his question, laughing at his face for the knockback as she put another bite in her mouth
"Trust me, I've got something that tastes much better"
"There's my Sam" she giggled, getting up as she spoke
"Now there's my Mercy" he laughed throwing money on the table before he grabbed the cases and followed her out, both happy they'd started on the road back to each other.