Ain't no way

"There ain't no way you can hold onto something you can't control; you can only love what you got while you got it."

"Mom" Cedes gasped at the call, it wasn't something she was expecting to hear, especially so late in the day.

"Sorry Sweet, but we've only just heard too"

"So, what's going to happen?"

"Well, she wants you home this weekend"

"I'm in Canada" she just about got out before she started crying "I can't believe this".

"Just see if you can, please try, I think she means this"

"I'll try" she closed the call.

"What's happened?" Tina walked into their dressing room, shocked at Cedes crying after such a great performance "I know our job can get you like that sometimes" she rubbed her back for a second before carrying on with her costume change "It was a powerful performance girl, no doubt".

"It's not the performance, my mom just called to say my grandma's not well, I have to go home" she wiped her eyes, aware she only had a few minutes to get ready for the next act.

"I'm so sorry" Tina stopped to look at her "I know how close you two are".

"So, close she didn't even bother to let me know about this" Cedes snapped, wondering where the anger had come from.

"Now is not the time for anger girl, you've got to get out there and be in love with Nathan"

"Shit" Cedes grabbed her powder puff and started on her make up, before climbing into her costume, because the show had to go on.

After the two hour show, she was finally sat in Finn's office telling him about her pending return home and asking for the weekend with her family. It was a harder conversation than she'd expected Finn was usually so easy going but clearly this time around it was all about bums in seats, he needed the original cast to be on their A game.

"I know Unique can handle it" he snapped at her "But everyone comes to see you" he hissed at her for reminding him of her understudy.

"I really need to do this Finn, it's my grandma"

"I know you do, and I'm being totally insensitive about this, of course you should go, give your mom and grandma my love" he got up and kissed her cheek.

"I will" she smiled up at him "Thank you for understanding"

"When are you leaving?"

"Straight after this if I can"

"I'll book your flight, you just get yourself packed, and don't worry about a thing" she did the last half of the show and within an hour of it ending she was in a cab on her way to the airport courtesy of Finn.

She slept the flight away, after a full day of rehearsals and an evening performance she was good for nothing, but by the time she reached Sacramento International she was fully rested and ready to face whatever was happening at a place she'd long since called home.

The drive down to McKinley Boulevard was a busy one, even for that time in the morning, giving Cedes enough time to think about her grandma, vivid pictures of sitting with her Grandma watching tired reruns of Fresh Prince while eating chocolate fudge brownies sipping on calypso juice brought a smile to her face. Her Grandma would be standing on the veranda telling her to hurry up, for fear her mom was going to pass by and catch her spoiling her, that was just something they did.

She'd spent a lot of her childhood with her grandma, her mom was a single, independent, working woman who worked hard for everything they had, Cedes couldn't remember a time she'd asked for something and never got it, but her grandma was there for all the love bits her mother couldn't give. Course as a child she didn't even understand how a parent didn't want to love their child, but as time went on she realised, the tragedies of her mother's life, the physical and verbal abuse her mother endured from her father, understandably leading to her determination not to let any of that define her, but it had turned her into this hard woman, that barely smiled.

Her grandma had taken a whole day out one summer to teach her how to ride a bike, she couldn't remember for the life of her who the thing belonged to, but they'd used it for the day, because she'd told her she wanted a bike for her 10th birthday and they both knew her Mom wasn't getting her that if she had no clue how to ride it. So, with only 6 days to go till the day of her birthday that was the mission for the whole day, needless to say she got her bike, and another helping of Chocolate fudge brownies for her efforts.

Everything they did together resulted in fun; she'd encourage her to steal apples off the old man's tree next door which she didn't understand back then because they were good friends. Later on, in life she was to learn that was her grandma's way of making the day fun for her, because Mr Daniels knew all along they were taking his apples, he was even eating the pies.

Then there was that day, that made Cedes laugh even now as she thought about it, wondering if she'd ever mentioned it to her mother "Maybe not" she told herself, smiling as her mind played the day out again, Grandma had said it was the hottest day she'd ever felt in her life, she was cursing at the fact that Cedes had chosen today of all days to leave her school bag at home, her homework was in it and that meant she was going to get held back at the end of the day and spoil their plans.

Grandma determined to save the day travelled all the way from home down to Marshall to drop it off. She was happy for getting out the house and the breeze as she sprinted up the road was refreshing she'd said on arrival, Cedes knew she wasn't sprinting maybe a half hurried walk, and she was past tired when she got to the gate hanging onto it for dear life.

"Child you are going to be the death of me" she gasped looking at the road ahead of them.

"Should we just sit here for a while grandma?"

"No" she smiled "I just need a cool drink" she felt the place where her pocket lived holding her head when she realised she'd left the house without her purse "Come on" she nodded at Cedes "But not a word to your mother, ever" her smiled wide enough to know this was yet another secret to be held to death.

They walked into a bar, not far from home, but far enough to merit a stop "Am I going in?" Cedes asked knowing this place was a no go for her

"Well, I'm not leaving you out here" she looked around suspiciously "I'm just stopping for a tipple, and we'll be off" she walked in with her grandma holding her hand tightly, flinching as the men shouted their hello's and grabbed at her like they were familiar "Yes this is she, Cedes my grandbaby, say hello" she ordered, those hellos getting louder when she realised her responses produced money. That was the first time she could remember feeling like a superstar, today she sat laughing at the fact that back then she really didn't have a damn clue about stardom.

They were getting closer to home the smell in the air was changing, bringing back those memories of home she hadn't felt in a while, her mom had moved to Willow Creek a few years back, it wasn't too far in the scheme of things, but it was far enough to wash out the smell of the home she remembered. Vivid pictures of Sunday dinner flashing through her mind, she could see herself sitting on that butt shaped stool, the thing was as old a God, she'd be there snapping the ends off the green beans, her grandma would be humming some church song while she'd sit putting her young spin on it.

It wasn't long after that grandma's character changed, that pleasant god-fearing person turned, in what seemed like the blink of an eye, into someone completely unrecognisable at times, in the middle of a valid conversation she'd stop to ask questions like "Did that man ask you for sex?" when there was no one else there. One time she threatened Cedes telling her "I'll kill you for not feeding my dog" that was one thing her grandma had detested, she'd never allow her to have any pet, the threats got progressively worse. Cedes was reporting these things to her mother, but she was still working, she needed the money, so it carried on unreported, eventually it got to the point where Cedes feared for her life when one day her grandma came at her with a knife, she ran, the same day her Mom moved in.

That was four nearly years ago, and although Cedes had passed by periodically she'd never made it a plan to stay there, now this woman she'd grown so close to as a child, was barely as shell of herself, vascular dementia had crept in and was taking her away from them piece by piece, of late it was apparent she was spending more time away from herself, and it was hard to watch.

The area started to get even more familiar now as she passed over the river, the population getting thicker as they moved towards home, the smell was there, a mix a culture and river coming from all side was they drove through Richards "Go that way" she instructed the cab, eager to pass her old school and see what was happening now a days, her eyes twinkling at the sight of it, there were so many memories, so many friends. Minutes later and that memory was followed by an even more emotional view of the hospital where she was born, then she was on the home run passing the bar, café, park and minutes later the house was in sight.

The grass lined road reminding her of everything summer, there were more cars on the drives now, but that was life now a days, it was still quiet at her grandma's end, as usual there was too much forestry to even see if anyone was lurking around a corner, and then the house appeared. She was surprised it was in such good condition, it looked like the bungalow had been freshy painted, as usual it looked small from the front but the four bedrooms and pool in the back yard were nothing but luxury "Okay" she paid the cab, grabbed her case, and made her way to the front door, inspecting it for spiders before she knocked. "Hello" she turned the handle opened the door and walked in "Hello" she called again hearing the music coming from the dining room as she walked towards it

"Sweetheart" her mom smiled at seeing her, Cedes couldn't catch her breath at the two women stood clung to each other in the middle of the room rocking away to 'Neither One Of Us' by Gladys Knight & The Pips to her memory that had never been a sight she'd seen in her lifetime

I keep wondering (wondering), what I'm going to do without you (do without you)
And I guess you must be wondering, that same thing too, so, we go on, go on together, living a lie (living a lie)
Because neither one of us (neither one of us), wants to be the first to say goodbye

"What's happening?" she asked when her brain finally caught up with the scene.

"It's grandma's party" her mom wiped what must have been a tear from her face as she turned to look at her daughter again, before she could focus on that her grandma's eyes met hers, they were vacant, she was a curved, frail, shadow of her former self but Cedes could see her memories.

"Grandma" she smiled, the woman didn't react she just called her to join them with her hand movement, Cedes just went, her Mom's smile encouraging her.

"Dance" her grandma ordered, grabbing her around the waist, her Mom put her arm across her shoulder still smiling.

"What's happening mom?" Cedes asked again

"You sing yes?" her grandma looked into her eyes asking

"Yes grandma" she smiled at her remembering that about her

"Sing for me" she requested, Cedes looked at her Mom and started singing along to the song

Cedes: Ohhh every time I find the nerve, every time I find the nerve to say I'm leaving (leaving)
Old memories, those old memories, get in my way (my way, my way)

Oh, oh Lord knows it's only me, oh he knows it's only me that I'm deceiving
Ooh, ooh, ooh when it comes to saying goodbye, that's a simple word that I just cannot say

"I used to sing you know" her grandma stopped swaying to tell her "You get it from me"

"You used to sing in church grandma" Cedes reminded her

"Yes" she looked at her daughter and they both started singing, this was the first time Cedes had ever heard her mom sing, she had a beautiful voice the three women stood int the middle of the living room, singing and swaying, to the sweet sound of Gladys, surprised at grandma knowing every word

All: There can be no way, there can be no way (be no way), this can have a happy ending (happy ending)
No, no so we just go on (we go on) hurting and pretending

And, and convincing ourselves, to give it just one more try (one more try)
Because neither one of us (neither one of us) ooh, ooh wants to be the first to say
Neither one of us (neither one of us), Wants to be the first to say
Ooh neither one of us (neither one of us), wants to be the first to say, farewell my love, goodbye (goodbye)

You're the loves of my life" Grandma looked from one to the other smiling

"What's happening?" Cedes asked now the song stopped, breaking away from the others, no one was answering any of her questions she'd just walked off stage basically to get there and she wanted answers.

"Just give her a minute to work out who you are" her mom begged "Go put your bags away, let me get her settled and then as soon as she's ready we'll tell you"

"So, you know?"

"Yes I know, but she wants to tell you"

Cedes didn't ask any more questions, she'd never really had that kind of relationship with her mother to go past that, out there she was a grown woman making decisions about her life, career, and food, but at home she was just that little girl that needed to be seen and not heard, and definitely not too old for a slapping. She unpacked the few things she'd brought with her, sat on her bed looking around the room that hadn't changed in nearly 10 years, wondering what her grandma had to say that was so important she had to fly across the country.

"Cedes" she heard her grandma call her name, it had been a long while since that had happened, she filled up, and held it in to go see what was up

"Grandma" she smiled as she walked into the room, finding a smile for her mother too "What's this all about?" she filled her space between them on the couch.

"Sweetheart" her mother pulled her hair back off her face "Grandma's made a decision" Cedes aware of her Grandma grabbing her other hand.

"Baby" her grandma smiled taking over the conversation "I've made a decision, while I can" she rubbed Cedes hand as she spoke "I've decided I don't want to wait for this thing to eat my brain away and turn me into a cabbage, I want to have the choice on how and when I leave this world"

"Grandma" Cedes had no control over the tears rolling down her face, this had never been even a thought on her journey down, she was expecting the disease to have worsened, or her mother not to able to cope and talk about nursing homes, but not this "You Can't…"

"This isn't a conversation baby, I've made my mind up, it's happening on Sunday night"

"What?" Cedes looked at her mother "Are you alright with all this?" she snapped forgetting herself

"We've argued believe me" her mother assured her "She's insisting on going alone to this hospice where the deed will be performed, she's planned her own funeral, and the ashes will just be sent home, she refuses to have us there"

"And you're just going to let her do this?"

"I've called Social Services in, they've assessed her and said she's of sound mind, she has every right"

"That's ridiculous" Cedes forgot herself for another second "What about us?" she asked her grandma.

"It's about time you two sorted out what your relationship was about, with me out the picture maybe that can happen" she smiled at Cedes and it was clear she was gone again "Where's that boy of yours?"

"Take no notice, she's slipped away again" her mom informed her

"And they claim she's of sound mind?" Cedes asked shocked

"That's what they say" she frowned "I've put everything away, but she does tend to throw chairs sometimes, so be careful, and lock your bedroom door"

"We're staying here?" Cedes gasped

"Cedes" her mother rolled her eyes at her

"I guess I'll need to go home soon, your father's waiting for his Dinner" grandma looked at Cedes smiling

"My father?" Cedes asked looking her mother

"She's talking about my father" she confirmed

"You've never talked about him"

"I tend not to talk about men in general" she laughed

"Why is that?" Cedes looked at her mom, it just seemed like the opening was there, for this to happen, she felt brave, and grandma had just told them to basically sort their shit out.

"It's never been a good story for me" she looked at her daughter "But I don't want to be where my mom is now to be telling you some truths about my life".

"Grandma told you some truths?" she looked at the frail woman pottering around the living room, doing nothing but moving things around and putting them back.

"My father was a married man, who didn't want anything to do with her once she told him about me, and she never told me anything because she didn't want to hurt me, but the not knowing hurt me more than I knew, it turned me into this closed, self-conscious, shy woman who never spoke up for herself for fear of hearing some morbid story about my father from people out there" she pointed to the street "My life would have been so different if I knew the truth" she grabbed Cedes hand "And I got to thinking, our relationship might have been better if you'd have known the truth about your father, I feel like I haven't let myself get close to you because I never wanted to tell you the truth"

"Mom lots of kids grow up without parents, that's no big thing" she looked into the woman's eyes seeing weakness for the first time.

"I've never talked about your father because I've never wanted to remember that night" she let go of Cedes hand and held her head "And I never wanted to hate you for it, but it was hard to look at you and forget"

"What happened?"

"I was raped" she got out before she decided against this

"Mom" Cedes gasped at the information she'd just received

"By two men, I can see their bodies coming towards me, it's as clear as if it all happened yesterday, but their faces, I've never known" she held back tears

"Mom"

"Let me get this out Cedes" she held her hand up stopping her daughter from talking "Mom told me to keep it quiet, back then people got killed for talking about stuff like that, everything was a blur for a while and then you arrived" she stroked her face "Trouble was I could never work out if you looked like me or one of them, so I kept my distance" she frowned "I'm sorry I did that"

"Mom" Cedes hugged her, those few minutes of conversation had answered a lot of questions for her

She'd just thought her mother had no maternal instinct, was busy making sure she got everything she needed by working all the hours in a day and was so bitter because her father had died and left her to it. She had all sorts of stories in her head, some she'd even told her school friends back in the day, about him being a traveller, working overseas, he'd even brought her some of the toys she was forever getting. Never once did she stop to think she was the child of a rape incident, let alone the product of a double rape, this was horrifying, she didn't know whether to feel ashamed or angry

"None of this is your fault baby" her mother hugged her "I do love you I just don't know how to show you without betraying my inner feelings" she squeezed her tighter

"I'm so sorry" Cedes hugged her mother

"After Mama told me her story I realised, there ain't no way I can hold onto something I can't control, if you look like one of them, that's not your fault or my concern, you're my baby, and that should have been enough for me, from the start" she grabbed her daughter's hand again "So, I'm sorry"

"True you never told me you loved me, but I always felt it" Cedes told her resting her head on her mom's shoulder "Grandma taught me, you can only love what you got while you got it".

"Which brings us back to mom" the two women looked at the frail woman still moving ornaments from one spot to another

"She's going to do it, regardless of what we say isn't she?" Cedes asked for confirmation

"You know her" her mom smiled

"So, I guess we better get on with saying good…

"Don't say that word" her mom tried to stop her

"…bye" Cedes stopped to look at her rolling her eyes

"Goodbye" Grandma spun round smiling walking over to the record player "Dance with me" she smiled dropping the needle back on the record

It's sad to think, we're not going to make it, and it's gotten to the point, where we just can't fake it

Ooh for some ungodly reason, we just won't let it die (let it die)
I guess neither one of us (neither one of us) wants to be the first to say goodbye….