All I want for Christmas
Never change yourself for someone who isn't willing to change themselves for you.
Monday
Mercedes
A week before the Christmas break, aware that her Therapist won't be available after the holidays, Mercedes decided to get some lose ends tied up, so she was ready to combat the festive break, and maybe beyond. "Mercedes" Dr Pillsbury tapped the desk to get her attention "Answer the question" she smiled at her avoiding things again
"You want to know about a day in my damn life, a month ago, this is like reliving hell again, awake" she snapped back at her
"Maybe if you start at the beginning again we can find where to go next"
"In the morning I'd be up to get ready for my day, of course I'd try not to look in the mirror before I get my clothes on but, inevitably, I would, and just to make sure what I was seeing right I'd check my scales a few times too. Then that voice would come in my head telling me I look fat, and I'd most definitely gained weight from everything I'd eaten or thought about eating previously. Then I'd remember that I purged afterwards, and that would give me some reprieve from the internal criticism" she looked at the woman "That enough detail for you?"
"It's a good place to start, carry on Mercedes"
"I'd relish the fact that I wasn't hungry in the mornings, that way I wasn't taking in calories that I probably wouldn't have burnt sitting at work. I used to drink coffee for breakfast, throughout the morning I'd be figuring out another lie to tell my colleagues as to why I need to avoid eating lunch with them again" she laughed
"So, you try and skip lunch then what?"
"I really am improving on that?"
"I know, I'm just trying to get you to find your trigger this is an important part of that process" she smiled "Carry on"
"I used to think, if I could just avoid eating so much, maybe I wouldn't have to purge, I wondered sometimes what another normal would be like, maybe I could go for a drink after work with my friends on a Friday night, eat chips while we drink gallons of vodka or splash out on some take away on the way home, normal stuff" she looked at the Dr expecting a reaction. On those days I'd maybe try to eat an apple or something, but my teeth were so sensitive, and suddenly it would come back to me that I'm nowhere near normal"
"You're very normal Mercedes, it's your relationship with food that you needed to work on"
"I hated when people ask me if I was alright that happened a lot, they could tell from my eyes they'd go all bloodshot"
"What did you tell them?"
"That I was feeling fine and that I might just be a tad tired from all the work they load on me, or I have allergies"
"So, you turned it back on them?"
"During my afternoons" she cut her eye at the Dr "I'd struggle to pay attention, because I's so damn busy keeping ahead of my lies and trying to work out my next move, it's totally exhausting trying to second guess everyone in your damn office"
"So, you'd spend the day dodging food and being unsociable with your colleague, what do you do in the evenings?"
"The evenings would bring new challenges, before I'd even left work I'd be wondering what the hell my Mom's cooked, how the hell I was going to avoid eating with my parents, how I was going to dispose of the food without them knowing, there's a lot of stress goes into being like that"
"Did you ever think your parents already knew?"
"Sometimes I'd think maybe they did, then I'd eat, even overeat maybe to prove a point and them it would all come back up or I'd be working out through the night to get the pounds off, there were always consequences to every action" she sighed "Seems like I'm talking about another me"
"Mercedes, you were a 30 year old in a 15 year old's body, how did that make you feel?"
"There was a part of me that always knew I needed to eat, but then there was that voice, namely Shane, in my head that kept criticizing, telling me I don't deserve to eat, that I already weigh too much, so I'd drink some diet sodas and go for a run, weighing myself when I got home to see if I'd lost anything, no life really"
"What role does Shane play in all of this?"
"He'd call, we'd get into an argument about something silly, he'd tell me he thinks that we should take a break from each other, I'd learned to expect it actually, every time we had an event to attend it would happen" she blew out heavy "I know now it was because of my weight".
"And not because of the behaviour around your eating?"
"That's what he said, but when he doesn't know I'm looking, I see him looking at other girls"
"So, because he looks at other people that mean he thinks badly of you?"
"He wasn't just looking at other girls, he'd talk about their bodies, ask why I didn't have things he saw on them and generally just make me feel like shit, he'd sit eating fried chicken boxes in my face telling me I shouldn't or even couldn't eat it" she tutted "He wasn't a size zero himself" she sat back suddenly in the chair "Even now as I think about it I'm getting angry, he was my damn trigger"
"So, you've named your trigger for the first time, how does that make you feel?"
"Liberated" she flung her hands in the air "Those first couple of weeks I think I was feeling sorry for myself, stopped eating regularly and started binge eating again, I remember I munched on a whole box of cookies, my logic being they won't be there tomorrow to tempt me, and that meant I'd be free to start my diet the following day"
"And did you?"
"Not for a few more days, I didn't hear from him for about a week and things started to lift for me" she smiled "And then suddenly today, five weeks later I'm good with that"
"So, is the aim to look like one of those girls he looked at when he was with you?"
"No" she laughed "I've never been a stick insect" she looked at her "Anyway, I've met someone else I'm interested in"
"You have?" Dr Pillsbury asked, smiling "What's he like?"
"He's kind, he never used to be, but he is now, he looks after himself physically and I think we might have that in common, and…" she looked at the Dr before divulging the last bit of her puzzle "He's a boss, actually he's my boss" she rolled her eye "I know it's a dream" she laughed "But right now it's a welcome distraction"
"Are you his type?"
"To be honest I've never seen him with anyone to know what his type is, but I take his morning coffee up, I don't usually see him, but last week I did, and he looked at me, it was only for a second, but there was something in those eyes, I can feel it"
"Might it be something you're craving?"
"It might be" Mercedes looked at the woman wondering
"Okay, that's it for today, we'll meet up on Wednesday for our final session" she gave her notebook back to her "That's nearly full, I'm so happy with how far you've come"
"Me too, bye" Mercedes got up eager to leave the office, an hour was much too long
Sam
Sam had been seeing his Therapist for nearly five weeks now having suffered trauma, his then girlfriend Quinn had taken his elderly grandma shopping in the local mall, he'd told them to use the chauffeured car, but she went against him and drove herself. There was a reason he'd asked her to do that, because Quinn and his grandma for that matter were prone to the odd tipple, and he didn't want either of them driving.
Ironically, although they had been drinking they'd had one glass of champagne each during lunch and attempted to make their way home only to be hit by a drink driver, his grandma died at the scene, Quinn was in hospital for a week with back trauma. Try as he might, he couldn't see past the whole thing being Quinn's fault, along with the stress of the trial, the loss of his grandma, and taking over the reins at work, he couldn't find anything worth saving from their four year relationship, they parted company.
"Hi" Dr Pillsbury smiled at the man she was so impressed with, he'd only been seeing her for five weeks, but the progress was phenomenal
"Hi" he smiled sitting down, he knew the routine
"So, Sam, how have you been?"
"I'm trying to find other ways of coping with everything, I've slowed down on the drinking, I'm getting over or should I say coming to terms with grandma leaving us, I'm over Quinn in the biggest way, and I guess the aftermath of the crash is concluded, still doesn't bring grandma back but…"
"News on that drunk driver?"
"He got what was coming to him, I guess that was half the stress too" he smiled
"Well, that's some positive in all this"
"I hope so" he smiled at her
"So, what about your relationship with food, how's that going?"
"It seems strange to think about it now, but foods actually become less of an issue, and has been for a while, especially in the lead up to outcome of the trial. I was far too busy dealing with the pending problems, but then I found myself gradually eating less of the unhealthy foods, and less volume too" he smiled at how this illness had crept up on him. "It used to be eight maybe ten times a day but for the past two weeks I might have weighed myself twice"
"That's great" she smiled
"I'm still dropping weight and sometimes, I can see that as a bonus more than anything, at first when I'd gained all that weight so fast I felt ill, I wanted to get back down to my natural weight, so I decided to take it a bit more seriously and do it safely, I've started exercising, but I fear one evil might have taken over for another, as I can feel myself getting fixated on the exercise of it all"
"You've used some great techniques in the past, are there any you think you can use to manage this fixation?"
"I don't know, I mean losing weight has become a bit of an obsession, I have restricted my food intake, eating just three meals a day and they are packed with carbs, I guess the one good thing is that I tend to cook it all myself" he smiled "I've noticed within a few weeks, exercise and weighing food has become a compulsion, now a days I never have to think about what my next activity is, it's all planned for me on my app" he took his phone out to show her the health app he was using.
"So, how do you balance work, home life?"
"Well as you know I'm the boss, so I eat on my own a lot, I don't really stand around eating with others, I mean I remember what it did to me and to be honest I still feel that binge thing whenever I see too much of it in one place".
"But you do have business lunches?"
"Working lunches are a thing for me too, I mean corporate lunches can be a bitch, but generally I add exercise time onto my day, and I also limit my intake" he frowned "The whole thing can be so stressful, but as long as I'm making sure I eat my regular three meals, I guess I'm doing well"
"Except that you've swopped once vice for another" Doctor Pillsbury smiled at him
"But it is a healthier option?" he sat thinking about it "I do avoid a lot of stress, I mean I've got two PA's and a deputy now, so that's new" he smiled "But with that in place I feel like I have more control over my life, what the food obsession had over me, that was something in my head, I really just want to be fit now, I do have control over this"
"Is that control or denial?"
"Control definitely, I mean I know what overeating feels and looks like, I have so much energy now, I get a full eight hours sleep at night, my immune system is the best it's ever been, I'm happy and confident in myself, I don't have to carry my scales around with me anymore, my attitude and tolerance of others has improved, I feel good" he sat forward clapping his hand together at the revelation.
"So, you see this as a good thing?"
"A really good thing, it's more like a hobby, a pastime that I'm passionate about and not obsessed with" he confirmed "My social life is coming back too I've seen this woman, I haven't had the balls to talk to her just yet, but I will, that's my challenge for this week" he laughed "She brings my coffee up nearly every morning, I've seen her stood talking to my assistant some mornings, I didn't used to drink it, but I do now, she makes a good cup of coffee"
"And that's the attraction?" the Dr asked shocked
"There's something going on behind her eyes, I feel there's something I could explore in those eyes"
"So, it's the eyes for you" she giggled
"On this particular woman yes, I can see she's troubled, but who isn't and there's a force, it's hard to explain" he laughed "Sounds stupid I know"
"So…"
"Do you know that nearly everything you say starts with a so?"
"Does it?" she smiled "No I didn't" she giggled "That's us for today, do you need to see me on Wednesday, or should we push it back till after the holidays?"
"I've already got it in my diary for this week, it will be my last one yeah"
"Okay, see you on Wednesday"
"Shopped for the festivities yet?"
"My mother does all that we just go home every year" Dr Pillsbury informed him
"We've got the office party tomorrow night, then it's cold turkey at home for one" he sulked
"Ask that woman out, it might not be so lonely then"
"Maybe" he raised an eyebrow"
"Bye Sam"
"Bye" he got up to leave her office
Tuesday
The office
After his conversation with his therapist yesterday Sam was on a mission to get past this block of his and get something started with this woman he'd grown an attachment to. He'd noticed her initially because she was sitting on a stone out near the running track one afternoon while everyone else was eating lunch and having social conversations, he ran past her nodding, wishing he could just sit in the moment instead of measuring out every second of his day, so he wasn't thinking about his past enough to start bad habits again.
Today he'd come into work early and talked himself up to having a conversation that wasn't all about business with this woman, he knew his PA wouldn't be in yet
"Sir your coffee" Mercedes walked into his office, seeing him sat waiting, his PA nowhere to be seen
"Oh, thank you…" his head popped up from the paperwork he was purposely looking at
"Mercedes" she smiled at him
"Mercedes" he smiled back at her "I believe you bring my up coffee most mornings"
"I do Sir"
"It's Sam" he smiled "And I've been putting it off but as we finally get the time this morning can I…"
"Sir I'm so sorry" Tina grabbed the cup of hot coffee off Mercedes and walked closer to the desk "Go" she hissed at her, Sam didn't intervene, he wasn't about to expose himself "One of the elevators are out of order Sir everyone's using just two"
"Hope they get it fixed soon" he smiled
"Yes Sir, Morning" she handed him the coffee, and turned to leave the office
"Tina" he called after her "What does Mercedes do for me, other than bring my coffee?"
"She's an assistant to the assistant editor Sir"
"So, the assistant editor needs an assistant?" he laughed "Did they make that job up?"
"No Sir, you signed it off"
"Is she good?"
"I've heard nothing bad, except she doesn't mix well" Tina told him
"Is that a prerequisite for the job?"
"No Sir"
Sam spent the day thinking about her, he had a name and a voice now which was more than he'd had yesterday and had he not been interrupted this morning he might have had a date to boot. He missed his morning run and did some steps in the office instead making a point at lunch time of walking through the third floor offices, stopping for a second to smile when he saw Mercedes.
Mercedes had already started work on a high that morning, the guy she'd been crushing on had actually noticed her enough to call her name and ask her to call him Sam, that was a breakthrough. She didn't quite eat her lunch with the others, but she did stay in the office and was more than pleasantly surprised when Sam walked through the office and stopped to acknowledge her, making everyone talk, at last she was the envy of someone's eye.
Wednesday
The next morning San was determined to make his move, the accident might have given him sleepless nights, made him a bit self-conscious and even messed with his mind a bit, but it had been nearly a year, he was fighting fit now and as far as he was concerned he was ready for a new relationship.
He was let down when Tina came bouncing into his office with his coffee a bit earlier than he was used to "What happened to the Assistant's Assistant?" he looked through the glass doors out into the open plan office
"She's not in till later, she has an appointment" Tina informed him "Talking of appointments don't forget your 10:30 appointment today will you?"
"I won't" he smiled "And could you make sure those Lopez-Pierce filed are on my desk for when I get back"
"Already in hand, and the meetings set for 14:00 sharp" Tina smiled backing out of the room
10:00
Mercy
"So, what was your last notebook entry?"
"Everything and nothing" she smiled "He spoke to me yesterday morning and it was glorious" she grinned clinging to her notebook
"So, what effect did that have on you other than today's swoon?"
"He knows I exist and that's more than I ever thought I'd get out of this relationship"
"You're calling this a relationship?" Dr Pillsbury asked concerned
"From what I'd wished for to what I got, it was a relationship in the fullest sense, I mean we talked, I was floating, we had eye contact, everything you'd expect, a spark"
"Are you reading too much into this?"
"Yesterday morning I thought I was, but then I had lunch in the office, everything about the day just felt different, so I stayed in the office and guess what?" she sat forward excitedly "He came down to my floor for a walk" she gasped "A freaking walk" she repeated "He never does that, I mean never" she giggled "He literally stopped in his tracks and said hi" her hands hit her chest "Everyone gasped, I loved it"
"And that merits a relationship?"
"For me, everything" she rolled her eyes at the memory "Don't get me wrong I know I still have a lot to fix, and I will, but this fear of putting on weight of not being enough, is all about Shane controlling me" she shook her head and held her finger up. "I am enough, enough for my boss to have noticed me, I broke my routine yesterday and no one died, and I feel better for it, taking back some of that control can be so damn liberating" she giggled
"You're excited today but what about tomorrow?"
"I didn't say I'd climbed mount Everest, I just said I broke my routine, something extraordinary happened to me and I feel different about myself today" she rolled her eyes "I mean all I want for Christmas is him" she laughed
"People don't give Christmas gift back you know?" Dr Pillsbury reminded her
"I might go up to his floor and steal a look at him later today, it got me through yesterday" she suggested "Hell I might even talk to him, casual like" she nodded that confirmation "He might be just as scared as I am, you never know"
"So, a man turns your head and all your problems have disappeared?
"Far from it"
"This is our last session, where next, is this it?"
"No, it's not" she laughed "I really feel I've hit a turning point, not just because of him, but last night I spoke to Shane again, and just listening to him depressed the hell out of me, I made my mind up, I can't have negativity around me, it grows into something terrible, something that's not me"
"That sounds interesting, I'm sad this is out last session" Dr Pillsbury frowned
"I have your number, and I'm so grateful, and excited" Mercedes stood up to leave "Happy holidays"
"You do and happy holidays to you too"
"I'm definitely going to speak to that boss of…" she walked towards the door reserved for coming in.
"Wrong door" Dr Pillsbury called after her, too late
"Sir?" Mercedes looked at her boss sat in the waiting room
"Mercedes" he pointed at her shocked, jumping out of his seat to speak to her "It's a short session, will you wait for me, the car's waiting" he pointed at the limo outside.
"I only booked an hour leave Sir I mean Sam" she looked at him not knowing what to do
"I guess as your boss I can override that, but as Sam, I'm asking if you'll wait in the car for me please?"
"Sure" she smiled, watching him enter the surgery
10:30
Sam
"That was the woman" he whispered walking towards Dr Pillsbury
"That's her?" she asked surprised
"Yes" he sat down excited
"I'm going to try and not use the word so today Sam" she smiled "So…"
"Miserable fail" he laughed
"Sorry" she laughed rolling her eyes
"I think I'm ready to get some trust going on up in here, I think she could be interesting, I've got a real good feeling about her, and I want to see where it goes"
"So, is that the topic of today's session?"
"Sorry Doc, but I've asked her to wait in the car, I think I've found my plus one for the Christmas party, maybe ever" he smiled getting up
"In that case happy holidays" she smiled
"Happy holidays to you too and…" he stopped walking for a second "Thanks for everything"
"Good luck" she smiled watching him leave "And that's how we do therapy"
Sam & Mercedes
"Hi" he opened the car door happy to see Mercedes patiently waiting inside
"Hi" she smiled back at him watching him get in the car
"Could we go get a coffee" he sat next to her "And talk about getting a date on the table?" he asked
"Sir… I mean sure" she grinned
"Okay" he smiled watching the door close