I Will Always Love (You)

"Holding on is believing that there's only a past; letting go is knowing that there's a future."

"Yes Shane" Mercedes rolled her eyes she was fed up with the damn man's voice, he'd been great, almost perfection when they were first courting, tentative, romantic, appreciative, but today, nearly three years in and he really was all about the football

Maybe if she'd understood what it was that made guy love football in the first place, she'd understand his obsession more, and it wouldn't drive her so damn crazy. She'd tried all the tricks in the book, that his friend's girlfriends, and wives had suggested to make his obsession work in her favour instead of against her, but still she was left feeling like this, if she had to generate a word to sum it up, she'd have to use invisible.

The man was passed obsessed, after the month long celebrations ended in March, there would be a full five month conversation around predictions, who did what, right or wrong, his friends and he would jump around like a posse of Neanderthal's, while she sat watching them wondering what the hell the big deal was. Then suddenly, before she knew it August was back, and while they jumped around chanted in celebration, she was sitting there thinking here she was for yet another season with No Fucking Life.

As if that wasn't bad enough she had to sit through all the damn guy-bonding stuff, bringing snacks, waitressing and cleaning up, they were so far out in the sticks, away from civilisation with one car, there wasn't the opportunity to grab a group of girls and call lunch, or yoga or even book club, and as boring as that sounded, it seemed like a welcome distraction for the shit he was piling on right now

"What you say it like that for?" he managed to turn to look at her stood behind the couch he was sat on

"Because I want to know when you're going to start think about me?"

"Fuck sake, Cedes, I just want my dodger's shirt to go out with the guys, you act as if I go out every night"

"You do" she decided to carry on at him, she was fed up with telling him her name, but he insisted on calling her Cedes she wasn't a flower, she didn't need planting

"I was in last night"

"Shane you came in at 10pm, that's not in" her hand found her hip, trying to understand this man she'd found herself with

"Cedes… are you going to get my shirt or what?" he huffed staring at her "Hurry up, I've got important things to discuss"

"Like what?" she stood asking, aware she was irritating the hell out of her, but every time he called her that it made her damn blood boil. In the beginning she'd liked it, it was part of their communication thing he was Shay, and she was Cedes, but that kind of thing needed to be earned, and for her, respect mutual or otherwise that went out the window in month ten.

"Getting the team together, guys bonding, stuff you wouldn't understand"

"Your damn right I don't understand" she stood thinking this obsession of his ran a lot deeper than she could ever imagine, if this man really thought he had anything to do with putting the team together.

In his real life, the one that didn't have time for football, shirts, teams, and shit like that he was a fire man, and that had been mega attractive to her when he first walked into the café she was covering a shift for Tina in, with the gear on, after the six months of them being together she'd given up her assistant dentist job to follow his dreams. He'd showed her a picture of his house and it looked beautiful, she'd brought into living in South Memphis, she didn't know they were going to end up on the outskirts of Whitehaven, and she was going to be left in the middle of the countryside alone, on a daily basis.

They were happy for about 6 months, she was busy making a house a home, running to the shops, getting things delivered, exciting stuff that meant she had no reason to think about home. As soon as everything was set up his group of friends appeared, apparently, they'd started out as workmates, then they were friends and quickly she watched his love for football grow into this monster that meant he disregarded everything except those friends, beer, and the game.

If she'd have known that while she was thinking of getting the opportunity to set up her own dentistry, maybe with an army working below her, that he was picturing himself leaping in the air to pull down a football and score the winning touchdown in the last millisecond of the best ever super bowl live game, in the middle of their living room, with an army of friends, her choices might have been different.

She looked down at his bolding head smiling, the closest he'd ever gotten to being a hero was doing the replay in slow motion several times on the battered couch, then talking about it for the entire year with his friends. Problem was when they stopped listening to him, he'd torture her with the story of victory or defeat, slurping down beer until he fell asleep, it seemed that and only that was what kept him alive these days.

On days when she'd lost the will she'd encourage him, cheer him on as he verbally played out his version of the game he'd have played, that would have obviously won. The man was never more alive, and happy than when he was watching, narrating for living a game, as soon as football was off the menu he was back to being boring old Shane, he wasn't even that old, but god he was boring.

She'd have to admit that sex directly after a positive game was good, for those few minutes she'd feel that sweet attentive, romantic Shay she fell in love with, moved out of her family home to be with, and if he wasn't too drunk, he'd have sent her to sleep with a bit of a smile. But in all honesty the majority of the time she was sat watching him sleep, grunting his ass off, sucking his bottom lip like a baby who'd just been fed, snoring like crazy and scratching his balls, and that version she called pathetic Shane, he was there most the time.

People laughingly call people like her football widows, and she guessed to those people it was about time they got to shop or pamper themselves, it was definitely about fun as far as she could gather from the other women, when she got to see them for three hours a week. In contrast she felt lonely, isolated, and even abused, she needed something else and watching the back of his head right now, football may well be for some lovers, but she wasn't one of them.

The pressing question in her mind right now was what was she going to do about it, she'd given up her life in Los Angeles against the wishes of her parents, as far as she was concerned they were all jealous because she'd chosen to follow the man of her dreams, she'd ignored her friend and family for over three years because of him, she stood realising she'd set herself up for this life.

She'd known for a while that something was wrong in the relationship but for whatever reason she couldn't put her finger on it or even call out what it was she'd felt, on top of that she didn't have anyone to bounce her thoughts off, so she just kept putting her negative thoughts to the back of her mind.

"Isn't my shirt dry yet?"

"Sorry?" she asked, this man didn't even know how thin the ice was he was walking on

"Why are you nagging me?"

"Sorry?" she took a breath, she was ready for this fool "I have no control over the damn dryer" she hissed, looking at the back of his head, knowing now he wasn't the right person for her.

"I don't expect you to understand" he looked round at her

"But what I do understand is that this isn't what I want, this isn't my life, it doesn't, sorry I mean it can't stop here" she watched him turn to look at her

"Have you gone mad, where you going to go?"

"Back to LA"

"How you going to get there?"

"You're going to pay for it to damn well happen" she looked at him

"I'm not paying for shit and you're not going anywhere" he got up to look at her "I've told you before, I'm your family now" he snapped, flinging himself back in the chair

She hadn't even realised it, this had happened so subtly, but she was in an abusive relationship, admittedly there was no fighting, they didn't even really argue but he'd controlled her in other ways, ways she didn't even figure till that second. He had this way of making her the butt of every joke not in a nasty way, sometimes even she'd laughed at it, tell his friends false storied about things that happened between them, always making her out to be the villain. He was so convincing sometimes she'd literally stay awake at night trying to remember when some of those things had happened, doubting her own self all part of his pattern of abuse.

Now here he was refusing to allow her to see her family, she almost felt sorry for him, there was obviously something in his past that had made him this way, a past relationship maybe or abusive parents "No" she caught herself, that was another trait of being abused feeling sorry for the bastard, she was getting out of there, and she was doing it soon.

She's been so flattered with the constant surprises, allowed him to make all the decisions, because there was always a prize at the end of it, she hadn't even recognising that she was giving away pieces of herself in the process. She went off to grab his top, brought it back and threw it at his head "Bye" she grinned falsely when her turned to look at her, she needed a plan, but their routine was so tight there was hardly any wriggle room.

Three Weeks Later

He'd booked her dentist appointment, it was something that he'd planned, he had dates for when these things needed to be done, but on this particular day there was a big bush fire that his team had been called to "I'll cancel" she told him knowing he was a stickler about things like that, he'd insist

"No, you should go" he gave her the keys to the car "Don't do anything stupid though, keep to the speed limit, and let them do what they need to do" he handed her the credit card

"Are you sure, I can wait?"

"No, I'm sure" he kissed her forehead

"Be careful out there" she called after him, she could tell he was apprehensive, but she didn't know if that was about letting her loose with the credit card and car or for what he was about to face in the bush fire, she knew which one he needed to be scared about though. She walked around the house gathering her things wondering what the hell was she doing holding on so long to something that was good for a hot minute four years ago, sure that whatever was there before had gone, he'd sucked all the life out of it.

She left her phone at home on purpose, she was going to call him from the dentist to tell him she'd just got there and realised she didn't have it on her, hopefully that would give her enough leeway to grab a ticket for the redeye and get the hell out of there. There was a possibility of him coming after her, it was going to take at least 2 days to get home, but she had no other choice, he'd got her passport, and drivers licence she couldn't get faster transport without them.

She gave him time to get to the station, and she was gone, unable to go to her parent's home, she'd burned all her bridges there for this damn man, she didn't even think her friends would be there for her anymore, or even where they were, but at least she'd be alone in a place she knew.

Los Angeles

It took nearly three days for her to get back to LA, the familiar place was busy with people doing their thing the familiarity bringing a smile as she stepped off the bus

"Mercedes?" a voice caught her attention, she froze for a second, turning slowly to see Mike Chang stood looking at her

"Mike" she gasped, grinning with relief "Great to see you" she watched him walk towards her

"You're a sight for sore eyes, where the hell did you get to?" he hugged her

"Long story" she rolled her eyes as she pulled away from him "All I know is I'm never leaving LA again" she smiled

"You finally worked him out then?"

"Finally," she frowned trying to hold back her tears of relief "How's Tina?"

"I've come to get her actually, she's on her way back from a show up in San Fran" he looked at the buses "She shouldn't be too long you should catch up"

"Where are you guys?"

"We're at T's parents house, her Mom passed two years ago and we came back to live there, it was senseless having two homes" he looked at the oncoming bus "I think this might be it" Mercedes turned to check it out "She's bringing a friend, apparently he's going through a rough break up and needs a safe haven from some obsessed ex-girlfriend" he laughed "Must be the season for it" he smile turning to a grin as his love came into view "Hunk" he looked at Mercedes wide eyed at seeing the tall, mouse blond haired, freakishly good looking guy, walking towards them

"Stop it" Mercedes laughed at him, he'd always been the joker of the group "I've had three days of reflection, I'm not about to go there again, maybe it wasn't her, maybe it was him, you can never tell" their conversation stopped by the scream from Tina

"Mercedes" she ran towards them, grabbing Mercedes for a hug, they'd been the very best of friends growing up and if she was heartbroken to leave anyone back then, it was Tina, but she'd planned to go off to a life in Tuscany, which made it easier back then "Gosh you're back" she hugged her again, finally paying attention to Mike stood waiting "Sorry Babe" she hugged him "This is Sam Evans" she looked up at the tall stranger "And this is Mercedes my best friend" she told Sam "And of course my hubby Mike"

"Nice to meet you" Sam and Mercedes said at the same time, the look they gave each other lingered only for a second, but it was long enough for Tina and Mike to share a look

"Mike" Sam diverted his eyes to look at the man stood waiting "Thank you so much for your hospitality, I just needed to get the hell out of there you know, it won't be for long I'm sure"

"Anything to help" Mike shook his hand

"Where are you staying?" Tina asked Mercedes

"To be honest I've just got back, I haven't sorted anything just yet, and I don't think Mom and Dad…"

"Stay with us, we've got lots of room, and no babies yet" she looked at Mike

That first night was great there was lots of catching up to do so there wasn't any time to think about what she'd actually done three days ago, furthermore no contact from Shane meant she was home and free, or he was still fighting fires.

Day two Mike went off to work leaving Sam to sit around like a spare part while Tina and Mercedes got into times gone by

"Do you guys want a drink or something?" Sam got up and walked towards the kitchen

"Can I get a tequila please?" Mercedes smiled at him, watching him leave poolside "Over ice" she held a finger up to get his attention

"Make that two" Tina smiled "He's a dish isn't he?" she asked Mercedes

"He's alright" she smiled "Okay, maybe more than alright, but I've just left one controlling relationship no way am I falling into another one"

"She was the controlling one"

"I bet Shane's saying exactly the same thing to his friends about me" they both looked up at him coming back towards them

"I need to be doing something" he passed the full glassed to them and sat down again "This sitting around thing isn't me" he smiled at them "My heads not in the right space to create I might need to try therapy again" Tina and Mercedes sat smirking with the ease that admittance of vulnerability came out of his mouth.

"Does that work for you?" Mercedes asked interested

"Only half worked I guess" he laughed "I walked out of there after three months and fell right back into the wrong choice, but I guess this time I sort of knew it was happening before it got too bad"

"How much worse could it have gotten she was stalking you wasn't she?" Mercedes asked before she realised Mike had imparted that information not Sam

"So, the feeling was right, I was the topic of conversation?" he smiled at the two women

"No" Mercedes gasped "Do you think therapy might be the answer then?" she quickly changed the subject

"No" he laughed "It's the way you pick them isn't it… partners I mean"

"I guess, you mean finding something external in common, so it's not all about the other person?"

"Yeah" he smiled at her "You could show me that studio you told me about" he asked Tina "Is it far?"

"I can take you there, but I can't stay, and you might need to make your way back, I've got Mike's parents to ted to"

"That's fine" Sam nodded getting up

"Do you need help?" Mercedes asked her

"No"

"If you want" Sam answered at the same time, both smiling as the misunderstanding "Sorry I thought…"

"I could come if you need company" she smiled "But I don't want to be seen, not yet anyway"

"Sounds like you're where I was a few days ago" he laughed "Sure I'd love the normal company for a change, I'll book"

They got ready and jumped in the car, listening to Tina talking about Mike's elderly parents, only allowing Mike or Tina cook their food, so she'd taken to buying it fresh every day to cook while they watched, they all enjoyed it. "See you guys later" she left them stood outside the studio

"It's bigger than I remember" Mercedes looked at the building

"Let's see what they have to offer" he stepped off to open the door for her, that move reminded her of early days Shane "Don't read too much into that, I do it for my Mom all the time" he saw the look in her eyes telling him lots was going on behind them

"How did you…?"

"I'm a victim too" he interrupted her conversation "How about we help each other up this path, we'll stop internally beating ourselves up for staying, letting it happen, not seeing it happening or even falling for them" he looked at her as they stood with the door open but not going in "First step if I remember rightly is letting go of the guilt, shame, blame and just focusing on our best parts"

"I can try that" she smiled up at him before stepping inside, she'd never been to a studio before, but it was an amazing feeling to know something was going to be created in the place "So you sing?"

"I hope so" he laughed looking around "I toyed with being professional once, but I guess my self-esteem got shot a couple of times and I just never got the confidence back to do it, Tina sort of talked me into at least trying, so because I promised, here I am" he tapped the desk for attention

"And you keep promises"

"One hundred percent" he looked at the receptionist coming towards them "Booking for Evans please" he smiled Mercedes took time to check that out, she was looking for things she didn't even know "Okay" he tapped the bar as they walked in "A song in a day, that's my challenge"

Mercedes hadn't got a clue what she was doing she was just sending out stupid rhymes, he was writing, laughing, and challenging her thoughts, she was flirting big time and he was lapping it up, she didn't actually know at which point it happened, but she started taking the whole thing serious. They were sharing some seriously intimate details about their past relationships and everything they said the other knew it was real. It was lunch time before she had even a thought about anything outside of them and their feelings. Sam brought lunch and they set about putting some music to these wayward lyrics they'd got dotted around the notebook.

"Do you think we've got something?" he finally looked up at her smiling

"I think you know a lot more about me than I'm comfortable with you knowing"

"And you, I" he smiled "But that's what music does isn't it, gets everything out?"

"Well, it did for me" she giggled "I feel like I've had a therapy session"

"That's what it does for me too" he walked across the studio and picked up a guitar

"I've talked more to you today, than I have to anyone in a while"

"Me too" he walked back over to her "Come on let's bang this out"

"What me?" she pointed at herself "Sorry I don't sing"

"Everybody sings, it's just good or bad"

"Definitely very bad" she told him laughing "I'm not singing"

"We're both going to have a bash, I'm no good either" he laughed "Come on we've nearly accomplished our goal, this one last thing and we've won"

"When you put it like that, but don't laugh" she warned him

She sat watching him put some music together it was clear he wasn't a novice at this, every second it got closer to her having to sing she could feel her throat muscles closing up. They were both rocking to the beat he'd set up by the time he looked up again "What do you think?"

"I didn't imagine it that fast"

"Our voices were angry when we were remembering so I thought I'd put it in there" he laughed strumming the guitar to the tune before he started singing 'Heart's Not In It' by Toote & Picture This

I can feel it, I can feel it, I can feel it, and your heart's not in it
No, don't believe it, don't believe it, I, don't believe it when you hold my body close, cause you're miles and miles away
I can feel it, I can feel it, I can feel it, and your heart's not in it
No, I've been sleeping, I've been sleeping, I've been sleeping with your shadow in my room, cause you're miles and miles away

The song was so electrifying, they were singing their truth, they finished the song finding they were close enough to touch lips, so they did.

"What the hell are we doing, haven't we learned anything" she giggled when she finally opened her eyes to see him staring at her

"I was thinking" he smiled down at her "Maybe I could forget the past, and keep my head in the future"

"I wasn't even thinking about a past" she laughed "Those lips are dangerous"

"I'm up for danger" he smiled down at her

"Did we just agree we'd never love again?" she squinted her eyes at him

"Oh, I will always love" he laughed "I knew there was something between us the minute I saw you"

"Funny, so did I"

"Can we go really slow with this? I have issues" he looked into her eyes

"You and me both" she looked at his lips begging them to come back to her

"You have a beautiful voice" he smiled

"Music"

"What?" he pulled back asking

"Something external in common?" she moved in impatient to get back to his lips

"Mm" he agreed