25. They long to be close to you

There is no better feelings, than to love someone and to be loved in return.

Mercy dragged the last box into the kitchen and sat on it making a sigh of relief, finally she could see some headway to starting her new life, it had been three months since she'd been searching for the right place, now she thought she'd found it, she was setting about getting this city get away somewhere she could just be.

She'd married at an early age, 19 to be exact, she was totally in love with the man and he with her, they'd met almost every other couple she knew, in college. He was Mr popular, captain of the football team, always got the lead roles in the school plays, and could strum a guitar like no one else she knew. It wasn't love at first sight, but it grew into something strong, strong enough to last more than 30 years and now suddenly she was on her own.

Their house had been too much for her to bear sometimes, she could see him everywhere she moved, and now after nearly a year, she'd finally come to the decision that she was stuck in the notion of her husband as he was and wasn't getting on with the life they'd promised each other they'd have regardless. The family home had four bedroom and was in the affluent Lakeshore areas of Ohio, when the children were younger it was bussing with children, parties, and family, but now she was definitely rattling around. They'd talked for hours about getting something smaller and quieter once they were satisfied that the children were settled.

He'd worked all his life tirelessly to support her and their two children but now Aiden was off being a math teacher in China while Alice had made the decision to stay in Boston, where she trained, to dedicate herself to the Children's Hospital a place close to her heart after her cousin lost her first child.

Suddenly Mercy had found herself totally alone, with no one to call on to get that pan off the top shelf, or empty the garbage, and definitely no one to pull her close at night and whisper in her ear that he loved her, life was strange. She'd thought, in fact they'd both thought that once one or the other of them were gone that would be it for the other, but right now she'd been given so much to carry on for, Aiden's wife Alexis was expecting their first child, she was excited to meet their first grandchild and introduce them to the memory of their grandfather.

Alice had returned home a while back following her second year at college and announced she was in love with a woman, and at first they were so against it, they argued with her every day, it wasn't because she was in love with a woman, but because she was in love with her tutor, and that had crossed a line. Alice couldn't see their argument she was much too in love to see anything past this woman Claire who must have been at least 20 years her senior. A couple years down the line, nearing the end of her initial studies, and that self-fulfilling prophecy played itself out when Claire traded her in for a younger model, but the one good thing to come out of that upsetting time was that Alice became confident in herself and who she was.

It had taken a while, and maybe the news of her father being ill, was the jump Alice needed to get back on that wagon again and now she was seeing Dana, a girl the same age as her, very flighty, and sweet, they were a good fit, Dana had presented needy in the beginning. But with her parents support Alice had kept digging and finally it came down to a negative previous relationship experience, and now 26 months into their now stable relationship they were talking about adopting. Mercy could see herself being bogged down with babysitting duties and as much as she adored her children, she wasn't done with thinking about her husband, and living the rest of the life they'd promised themselves enough yet, to focus solely on another person.

"We're here" she looked around, having one of her regular conversations with her husband "So what do we do now?" she touched the box she was sitting on "Okay" she got up to start unpacking it. She loved the home they'd made in Lakeshore, they'd made it into everything they ever wanted, but now it was time to move on to their other dream, so this cabin on the outskirts of the woods, in the Kingston area of Ohio was in total contrast to their suburban home, and the epiphany of silence for them.

She'd finally had someone come in to take away all his belongings at home, the children had talked her into doing it sooner rather than later and a note she'd found, that he'd written some years ago had led her to believe this cabin was the right move, this last box had some of his things in that she just couldn't get herself to leave behind. She picked the box up and went off to the bedroom, putting it on the bed and turning on her memory playlist before opening it

The first thing she came across was his straight razor, she flashed it open and sat inspecting it for hair, rubbing her hand against the polished brass handle, smiling at seeing him sat in the bathroom mirror tentatively shaping his stubble before she'd snatch it off him to do the job properly. He'd always protest, but they both knew that was because he didn't want admit that she gave him the best cut, she closed her eyes and ran the blade down her cheek, that was the only other thing outside of their family she knew had touched his face so intimately, she got up and gave it it's place in the bathroom, if nothing else she might shave her legs with it now and again.

She quickly found her way back to the box, grabbed at an old picture frame, it didn't look like anything much the old wooden frame was chipped to bits but in it was a picture of him his father and grandfather, he'd loved his grandfather with all his heart and that was all the memories he'd got of the man, and his dad for that matter. She sat looking at the picture, feeling sad because the 10 year old boy in the picture was a stranger to her, she didn't know him then, and right now she couldn't even remember what he said he was thinking. She smiled again at the three of them being up there looking down on her laughing at her finding it hard to pack the car and cussing him at every traffic light for not being there to drive her, that was always his thing, she snapped the legs open and stood it on his side of the bed

The small box came out next housing his wedding ring, favourite cuff links and a special belt buckle, the cuff links he'd chosen for their 10th anniversary party while the belt buckle had been handed down from his forefathers six times removed, it belonged to Aiden they all knew that, but until he was back in the country she was holding onto it for him

She took some folded sheets of paper out next a tear forming as she recognised his speech from their 30th anniversary, it seemed like only yesterday, who knew that 11 months later she'd be standing in this cabin trying to do things alone. She opened the papers and read the first note

I'd like to thank my wife for 30 of the most exhilarating years of my life, I know many of you would have travelled this distance with us and we're super appreciative of your love and support along the way. My wife is an incredible woman, you all know that, but Mercy is the most phenomenal woman, anyone who knows her understand what I mean by that. It always been difficult for me to put into words what Mercy means to me …

She burst into tears at his voice speaking the words, "Maybe it was too soon" she wiped her eyes, having promised herself after a year of continuous crying, and her second course of anti-depressants that the sadness was enough, because that definitely wasn't what he'd want from her. She opened the box and took out the urn with his ashes in setting it on top of the dresser, having promised she'd keep him nearby "Hi" she smiled brushing her hand over the white marble, the noise of the pod reaching her ears again, making her smile wider as she heard their wedding song blasting out

I just wanted you to comfort me, when I called you late last night you see, I was falling into love, oh yes, I was crashing into love
Oh of all the words you sang to me, about life, the truth and being' free yea, you sang to me, oh how you sang to me
Girl I live off how you make me feel, so I question all this being' real, cause I'm not afraid to love, for the first time I'm not afraid of love
Oh, this day seems made for you and me, and you showed me what life needs to be, yea you sang to me, oh you sang to me

'You Sang To Me' by Marc Anthony

"You did" a voice invaded her thoughts

"I did" she looked up smiling, she knew the voice, opening the next letter was even more painful, she closed it and packed the box away, that was more than enough of that for one day, how was she expecting to unpack a box full of her life with him in an hour, she moved on to the kitchen.

The house four miles away from where she stood now, had always been their dream, they came to these parts often at weekends and stayed at the small local family run hotel about a mile away, so the woods were familiar, now she was sat at her kitchen table looking out at that sight, she felt him close, happy, and content with where she'd chosen for them. "So, what are we having for dinner?" she got up to go see what she fancied in the fridge "Fish?" she looked at the package "Today's date, maybe not" she flicked open the bin lid with her foot and dropped the package in, it tasted better when they'd spent the morning fishing and come home with the fresh salmon. "I know you want to give Alison the boat, and I agree" she smiled looking up in the air "But you should have written in something about her bringing me fresh fish at least once a month"

"At least" the familiar voice answered her

"Now you decide to listen to me" she laughed shaking her head "Is this what it really took?" she carried on searching the fridge deciding on cold meat sandwich, laughing because she was going to do one of those pile it high ones they always made each other feel disgusted about. By the time she finished the counter was covered in jars, disused plastic, opened cans and paper and her sandwich was about a foot high "Beat that" she stood back looking at it, frowning at the fact that without thinking about it she'd made two "I'm not going to eat that" she giggled shaking her head at that fact being true "How about…" she took some layer off one of them "Half for supper" she lay it on another plate. Now she was faced with the dilemma of which half to eat first, deciding to do the logical thing and eat half of each so she could do the same thing all over again later.

Pottering around her new abode, trying to make it feel like home was hard, she was finding new things, hearing unfamiliar, yet familiar sound outside, and night was falling, she jumped at her phone ringing out before picking it up "Mom" Alice's voice filled the room, she was just like her dad, dramatical even just to say help "I thought you'd like to hear my voice"

"I would" Mercy laughed "But maybe not so loud" she held the phone away from her ear

"I keep telling you to answer on speaker"

"And I keep not listening, I know"

"How are you settling in?"

"Hi mom" a voice she knew was Dana's entered the conversation

"Hi sweet, everything alright?" she shouted back

"Now who's shouting?" Alison butted in "Answer the question"

"Alright, it's a bit lonely, but I like the quiet"

"I know this is what you and dad wanted but that was when he was still here, don't you think…"

"Sweetheart even if I was back in our old house, I'd be on my own, what's the difference?"

"You know people round there, who do you know down there?"

"It's not like Aiden or you are close by, it doesn't make a difference, I can make friends here, it'll probably turn out better for me making friends for me instead of being constantly reminded of your dad by our friends"

"And I hear that mom, I'm just worried I guess" she frowned "Any sign of trouble and I'll be there"

"The way you are Aiden will be here before you" she laughed

"You're probably right" Alison laughed "Listen" she whispered Mercy rolled her eyes knowing what was coming "Have you thought anymore about what dad said?"

"I heard him, he gave me a choice, he wouldn't make that kind of decision for me, I'm fine as I am" she laughed "At 51 I don't think there's much I've got to offer anyone stupid enough to come into my life"

"Why would they be stupid?" Alison asked

"I've not given up on your dad yet, I know what you think, but I know he's waiting for me"

"Mom" Alison moaned "I hate it when you talk like that, you don't understand how it makes me feel"

"I'll be around for as long as you guys need me, forever if possible, but I just know your dad will be up there waiting for me, when it's my time"

"Well, I'm glad you're not praying for that to be any time soon" she sat in the silence for a second "Did you read that letter from dad like you promised?"

"Not yet, I thought I'd do it just before bed so I could just be"

"That long?" she laughed

"We've got 34 years to pack into it" Mercy giggled "Now leave me alone, goodnight"

"Goodnight Mom, love you"

"Right back at you sweetheart, and give my love to Dana, goodnight" she sighed closing the call

No sooner had she put the phone down it was pinging for a message, Mercy rolled her eyes at her daughter's level of caring and opened the message "Oh" she smiled which quickly turned into a cry at seeing the picture of the scan of her new grandbaby "Just thought you needed something else to think about on your first night in your new home" she read out loud. The only thing she wanted to do right now was share that moment with her husband, and yet again she got a sharp reminder of the main thing missing in her life "Remember your promise" she smiled at him being on her back too, she was going to read the speech, after she ate her supper, had a bath, and settled into bed, she got up to make her way to the kitchen.

At the time they'd both thought it was a fun thing to do, it was something they'd agreed out the blue on their 25th wedding anniversary, to write a message they thought the other would want to hear on the event of their death, did she know it was going to be this soon, hell no. She finished her sandwich, had a relaxing bath, put on one of his tops, she'd taken to sleeping in most of them, and was now settled on her bed with the urn beside her ready to read what he'd written, she put her glasses on and opened the envelop smiling at seeing his handwriting "I'm ready" she told the paper as she opening it out to start reading

'If you're reading this obviously I've gone, but not too far, I'll always be close until I know

I'm guessing you'd only want to hear truths so here goes-

'I was an incredible husband' she laughed at him being so bold, but in all honesty it was the truth 'You have no idea how much I'll miss you not being around, but it's true our children will be enough, until it's your time to be with me again. Of course, we'll made it to that little cabin we always dreamed of living in, and you have your memories of me sat at the fireplace waiting for that stacked sandwich I always win you at eating.

Let me guess, you're in bed right now reading this, that's where we always felt closest to each other, or maybe we're out on our boat making hay and eating fresh fish, remember the days fondly.

I know you always think it's the other way round but Mercy, I'm the one that was blessed to have found you and somehow I kept you in my life, thank you for marrying me, for our beautiful children and the fantastically adventurous life we shared.

I really do hope you feel I've been the best I could have been for you and them, as you know I love my family, and even in death, that doesn't change.

This is the hard bit

In life I was a jealous man, I admit that, but if I go first I'd hate the thought of you being alone, I want you to live your life to the full I want you to be happy again, not as happy as you were with me obviously, but happy enough to get by, please don't be alone, you have so much more love to give, it's going to burn me to see you with someone else, I won't lie, but I think seeing you lonely would hurt more

I love you babe now and forever

She was crying so hard she couldn't read the last line, but she understood what he was saying, it was like he'd had the conversation with their children before he left, because all three of them were singing the same song to her. She had no idea if it might happen in the future, but it wasn't happening today, this month or even this year, she was too wrapped up in her past life to think about anyone else being in her future, she fell asleep cuddling his urn in her pillow.

She woke up to howling and darkness scared for a second or so of the unfamiliar surroundings until she realised this was the new home "Damn" she rolled the urn off her arm and got up, putting it back on the dresser before finding the bathroom, first the toilet wouldn't flush, then there was no water at the sink, she went through to the kitchen trying to remember what the agent had said about all the emergency stuff "Under the sink" she opened the cupboard to find nothing. Outside was as much use as the torch flickered off after a few minutes, she hadn't thought to charge it "Wipes" she smiled going back inside to find the packet of wipes she thought she'd left in the kitchen, the missing water was going to have to wait until the morning, she went back to bed.

Having spent her first night in her new house she woke up in a mood, aware she had no hot water for that shower she was used to having, maybe this new home thing wasn't supposed to be, that was what this dilemma was trying to tell her, the alarm went off at the same time her eyes opened, she reached over and tapped on the radio

"Let's dance" she heard as clearly as if he were in the room, there was talking on the radio, so she was wondering what they were dancing to, but she got up anyway, he always knew how to keep a smile on her face, it made her gasp as she stood there counting a beat when she heard their wedding song on the radio

"How did you…" she laughed at him knowing that was coming she pretended to grab his hand and danced around as if she wasn't alone

All the while you were in front of me I never realized, I just can't believe I didn't see it in your eyes
I didn't see it, I can't believe it, oh but I feel it, when you sing to me
How I long to hear you sing beneath the clear blue skies, and I promise you this time I'll see it in your eyes
Mercy: I didn't see it, I can't believe it, oh but I feel it, when you sing to me… 'You Sang To Me' by Marc Anthony

"It's time for me to go babe" she stood wondering what was happening feeling him pull away

"Don't go" she shouted after him

"Trust me, it's time" he smiled "You're going to be alright"

"I don't feel like it" she grabbed after him "Don't go"

"Trust me babe, you're ready" she was suddenly stood there aware of the fact that someone special had just left her side

"I thought you were always going to be here, I thought you were waiting for me" she screamed at him, falling on the floor, everything was going wrong. Her heart was breaking all over again, she sat on the floor calling him back, begging him to come back, but she could feel it, he'd gone "You promised" she screeched hysterically

"Remember the thought of seeing you lonely"

"What?" she looked up

"You're ready Mercy" the voice wondered off into the distance

It was a while before she actually remembered the missing water, she wiped her tears and grabbed her mobile, "Kitty" she smiled when she answered "I need your help"

"Did you move in already?"

"Yesterday, but I fancied some time alone"

"Okay, what can I do for you?" Kitty laughed

"I need a plumber, a cheap one, I have no water"

"That's almost standard in these parts I'm afraid, you'll need to get properly hooked up to get it running properly, old pipes"

"Something else that damn Rachel left off the handover" Mercy rolled her eyes "So can you help?"

"I'll send someone over, he's cheap"

"Thanks"

"But that means we're catching up tonight"

"Okay" Mercy giggled "Bring the wine"

Two hours later a man she assumed was the plumber pulled up in his truck, she watched get out and grab his toolbox, a tall guy nodding his head as if he were listening to music, but she couldn't see anything "Hi" he walked towards the open door "No water?"

"None" she smiled

"I'm used to the house" he stepped past her whistling as he went through to the bathroom, she sat in the kitchen listening to him bursting into song

Just to think you live inside of me, I had no idea how this could be, now I'm crazy for your love, can't believe I'm crazy for your love
The words you said you sang to me, and you showed me where I want to be, yea you sang to me, oh you sang to me

'You Sang To Me' by Marc Anthony

"Sorry" he jumped seeing her stood at the bathroom door "That song jumped in my head this morning and I can't get it out" he laughed "My mom used to say when that happens it's for a reason" he looked back at the leak "I need to order a part, but I can get it working for now Mrs.." he lay waiting for a response

"Just Mercy"

"Sam" he smiled "Sam Evans"

"Hi Sam" she smiled, her eyes looking up to the heavens thinking, 'Is this your choice for me?'