Chapter 3: At ease (Jack's POV)

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Jack woke to find her draped across his chest and he didn't have the heart to move her off. He knew they were well across that line in this moment, but he couldn't find it in himself to care. He found himself simply breathing in her scent. He focused on the feeling of her breath puffing out over his neck. The weight of her body against his. It felt as familiar as it was foreign, he couldn't work that one out. They had never lain like this before and probably never would again…

It was disconcerting just how familiar the sound of her breathing was to him, as familiar as a lover's breath if he were honest. They had slept off world enough that he had spent more nights than he could count falling asleep to this sound. He knew that sometimes when she was dreaming, she would make the quietest little mewling sounds. He knew when she was exhausted, she had a quiet and rather feminine little snore, it was much less disruptive than Daniel's loud snorting snores that was for sure. He also knew that she could fall asleep almost anywhere, once her head hit the pillow she was out like a light – unlike him. He could lie awake for hours and it was probably why he had memorized the pattern of her breathing. Maybe that was why this situation wasn't making him uncomfortable the way it should, maybe that was where this sense of… rightness came from. He felt more content than he had in a very long time.

She woke with a little start, and he knew the moment she became aware of their current position because she tensed as if preparing to move. But, like him, it only took her a few seconds to make a decision and he felt her relax back against him.

"Sir, can I tell you something?"

He looked down at the top of her golden head, still lost in thoughts of her he didn't answer. It didn't surprise him that without looking up, she knew he was awake.

"Sir?" She prompted, her fingers tightening slightly on his shoulder where her hand currently lay. He tried to memorize the little gesture, he wanted to remember this moment forever. All of it.

"Uh, depends on what it is."

"I wanted to say yes to going to Minnesota with you." She tilted her face up to his for a moment, catching his eyes.

He felt his heart soar. He had of course wondered if that was why she had chased him down the corridor back on base, had it really only been two days ago? His thoughts since she had declined his offer had been oscillating between thinking he had overstepped and thinking she didn't trust him to show self-control the way he would have needed to. He had also wondered briefly whether he had read her entirely wrong, and she simply didn't want to spend time alone with him – but their time on this planet had helped mitigate that last fear.

"I had it in my head that you thought I was a dirty old man trying to get into your pants." He said it lightly, but they both knew he was serious.

He had been careful from the start to prove he was not going to be one of those misogynistic CO's leering at pretty officers as if they were fresh meat rather than fellow soldiers. He wouldn't dream of it. But still, he worried. He hadn't expected to feel this strongly for her and he didn't want her to feel uncomfortable.

She giggled at his words, and he shifted uncomfortably underneath her, wishing she would stop. Some parts of his anatomy would not be able to ignore that kind of movement. As if hearing his thoughts, she quietened and stilled against him.

"I was hesitant," she admitted. "There are rumours about us, did you know that?"

"Yeah," he sighed. "But that is all they are, rumours." He looked once more down at the top of her head on his bare chest, but right now, they were bending the rules, a little.

"I worry… though I know we have never crossed any lines…" She rolled off him and onto 'her' side of the bed, as if trying to prove they had done nothing wrong. He immediately felt the loss and wished he could pull her back into his arms.

Instead, they lay side by side, shoulders touching, staring up at their canvas roof. He wondered if he needed to raise the topic, or whether they could still leave everything unsaid.

He made a little sound of assent but decided he couldn't take this conversation any further. He was between a rock and hard place. There was nothing they could do. Maybe if neither of them said the words aloud then this would all fade away, if not, then at least the risk of anyone finding out about their illicit feelings was slim.

He cared for her, too much. He needed to protect her, and in this case – keeping his mouth shut was probably, hopefully, the best way forward. He would leave the elephant in the room as it was – hinted at, looked at, pondered over, but never spoken aloud. It was safer this way.

"We should try dialling home." He looked over at her and suddenly felt a strong wave of affection wash over him. Her hair was longer than he had ever seen it before and currently it was mussed up from sleep. She looked at him curiously, as if trying to read his mind.

"What are you staring at?" She asked, her eyebrows drawn together in confusion.

"I like your hair," he turned away, not wanting to see her reaction and pushed the blankets off them. "Time to go."

Before I do something stupid, he added silently.

They dressed quickly and he saw her shiver when they exited the tent. It was certainly colder than it had been the morning before, and their clothing had still not fully dried out.

She made breakfast while he sought out Teal'c, he found the man surrounded by all the Jaffa from the camp. Like moths to a flame. Teal'c did have a presence about him, there was no denying it.

"Teal'c, we're going to have breakfast then head to the gate."

Teal'c got to his feet with a smile, saying his goodbyes he fell into step beside Jack.

"Did you sleep well, Colonel O'Neill?" It was not something he expected Teal'c to ask, and he missed a step, thinking about Carter curled up against his naked chest.

"Uh, yup. Yeah, we – I mean – I slept well, thanks." Very well. Perhaps too well some might say.

"I came to find you earlier, but you were still…" Teal'c paused, perhaps for effect. "…in your tent."

He didn't say sleeping and Jack wondered if this meant Teal'c had heard he and Carter talking this morning.

"Are you trying to make a point?" He asked grumpily, not enjoying being pulled up on the fact he was possibly spending longer in bed than he normally would off-world, he thought he might know where this conversation was headed.

"It has been nice the past couple of days seeing you both so relaxed…"

Now Jack knew exactly what the Jaffa was getting at.

"No, no." He shook his head fervently. "It's nothing like that Teal'c. We are co-workers, we can't – you know."

"I was not implying you were intimate with Major Carter."

They had returned to the fire at this point, and he saw Carter's head whip around at Teal'c's words, a look of horror on her face.

"This is awkward." He commented, and quickly found her eyes, trying to reassure her without words… but she was still staring at him in askance, as if he had done something to prompt this discussion with Teal'c. "Teal'c was just telling me how pleased he was to see us relaxing here on P3X-whatever this planet is."

"Ah," she gave a shaky laugh. "It is nice not working for once. Are you hungry Teal'c?" She gestured to the pot of porridge over the fire and Jack sank gratefully onto the log beside her. It was a good thing she was as astute as she was, he didn't think this conversation could get any more uncomfortable. He was grateful for her tactful change in topic.

"I do not require sustenance at this time Major Carter, but I would enjoy sitting with you both while you eat." Teal'c bowed his head and then took the log opposite them.

"I never thought I'd hear you say those words," he laughed. "Carter, not thinking about some… doohickie whatsit." She shot him a coy smile.

"Don't get used to it sir, it's only because there are none here."

After a few minutes of companionable silence, the conversation shifted and the three of them discussed the plight of the Jaffa hidden here. Once he and Carter had finished eating and checked the tent for any items they might have left – they headed, once more, for the Stargate.

When the last chevron didn't engage, he was not overly surprised. He threw up his hands in defeat and they headed back to camp. They would try again tonight, but if they could still not reach Earth then he had another long night ahead, with Carter.

The afternoon was so warm he could almost call it hot, and he raised the idea of going to the lake to bathe. At first Carter had looked excited at the prospect but an hour or so later when they neared the edge of the forest, he noticed she was slowing down, and she looked… tense.

"What's going on in that head of yours Carter?" He caught up to her and without thinking grabbed her shoulder to prevent her from walking further. She jumped at his touch, and he pulled his hand away as if her shoulder had burnt him, actually taking a step back and bumping into a tree.

Teal'c was right, they had been incredibly relaxed – relaxed enough that zoning out and getting lost in your head was becoming normality. Or… she didn't want him touching her after their cuddle session that morning. He cringed at the memory. He was starting to feel more and more nervous about that, he really should not have allowed it. He had simply made their situation more complicated, more painful.

"Sorry sir," she stepped towards him looking worried. "I was just so lost in thought I didn't hear you coming up behind me." She reached out a placating hand and he took it. She tugged him back onto the path. "I missed your question."

"I was actually just wondering if you were okay." He wanted to add in because you have been quiet and because you are dragging your feet, but he was unsure if she would appreciate him bringing either of those things up, so he waited it out.

"I'm okay," she reassured him as they reached the end of the path.

He decided he would never tire of this view… he wished he had a camera, but he was pretty sure this image would be cemented in his mind forever. Carter stepped out into the wildflowers, and he quickly corrected the image, this was the one he wanted to remember. He wanted to remember Carter, walking through the flowers with the snow-capped mountains and crystal-clear lake in the background.

He knew she wasn't ready to tell him whatever was playing on her mind, so he just followed her down to the shore. When they reached the log from the day before he watched her kick at it nervously and he knew that whatever it was worrying her, it was about to come out.

"How do you want to do this sir?" She gestured to the lake, and he let out a sigh of relief. Was this all she was worried about?

"I'll go first and make sure it's safe."

"I meant uh, logistically."

Oh.

"Ah, good point. Maybe you could sit facing away from the lake, once I'm in far enough I'll call out to let you know it's safe to turn around… to you know… keep watch."

He watched her shoulders droop in relief, and she sent him a grateful smile. He wondered why on earth this has been winding her up, but at the same time – perhaps he didn't want to know.

"Alright, turn around then."

She did as he said, dropping onto the log and facing the forest they had just come from. He did his best to pretend she wasn't there as he dropped his clothes on the stony shore and entered the water.

He was genuinely stunned to find the water was not freezing. Given how much rain there had been, how cold the nights were, and in particular how cold this morning had been – this really surprised him. He wasn't complaining though and as soon as he was deep enough, he dived in. The water was so clear and clean he thought it might be cleaner even than the water that came out of his shower at home. Untouched by pollution at a minimum anyway.

"It's safe to turn around." He waved at her when she faced him and then continued swimming a way out, just enjoying the sensation. When had he last been swimming, just for the sake of it? He swam a little closer to shore so she could hear him again. "The water is actually quite warm." She gave him a doubtful look.

"Sure sir,"

"Really, it is. I'll get out now so you can see for yourself, turn around."

She turned around and he waded back to shore and shook himself like a dog, hoping like hell she didn't turn around, it was far from graceful. He tried to wipe off as much water as he could and found the sack of clothing the Jaffa had given them. It wasn't much, he wrapped the linen robe around him and told Carter he was decent. When she turned, she smirked at his new clothing.

"Well, it's dry at least." He gave her a one shouldered shrug.

"Suits you, sir." She said, a little sparkle to her eye as if she were trying not to laugh.

"Your turn," he sat on the log and faced the forest and heard her undressing behind him. He almost forgot and turned around when he heard a little oh of surprise from the water's edge but caught himself just in time.

"It's safe," she called out.

He turned around on his log seat and for the second time that day tried to take a snapshot in his mind. She was treading water and had the most blissed out look on her face, she was looking up at the mountains and though he could only see the side of her face, he could picture her expression easily.

When she was out and sitting next to him in a matching Jaffa robe, though hers much too big compared to his. He finally felt like she had returned to the relaxed state from the morning. It was quite a wonder really; he hadn't ever seen Carter in 'vacation mode' it was like he was sitting beside a whole new person.

"Sir, I was thinking…"

"When do you not think?"

"Good point sir." She smirked. "It's just…" she touched his arm, and he turned his full attention to her. It seemed like he was in for another serious talk, so much for relaxed... "…you said something to me, a while back, and it's been playing on my mind. Do you mind if I – if we – talk about it? I just feel like we have talked about so much already since being on P3X-234, this place has a kind of… serenity about it… I feel like it's the right place to… clear the air, so to speak."

"I'm not very good at talking about… big stuff. But go ahead."

"You said that you had not been yourself since you met me," she looked as though she was going to say more, but he supposed the pain at her words was written all over his face.

"You did change me, Carter." He pressed his lips together as he tried to think of a way to say what he needed to, without talking about the… elephant in the room. He liked this metaphor, he was beginning to get a real picture for this elephant, it oddly looked a lot like dumbo in his mind. "In a good way, I think."

She nodded slowly as she digested his words.

"I talked to Daniel about it. He said you have changed, that you are less… sad."

He could tell there was more, but this conversation was making him squirmy, and he really didn't want to slip up and say something he shouldn't.

"That's true, I am less sad than I was."

Before he had met her, he was a walking dead man. He was prepared to die the first time he went through the gate, and it wasn't until SG-1 was formed that he found a reason to live. He didn't think he would ever get over Charlie's death – he had woken each day wishing he really hadn't, wishing he had just died in his sleep.

Even now, he knew he wouldn't get over Charlie's death, but the difference was – he had stopped fighting it. He didn't want to get over losing his only son. He wanted to remember Charlie and all the good memories, he wanted to be able to dwell on the regret he felt at not spending enough time with him, and he wanted to be able to grieve freely for him in private. He hadn't learned to live with the pain as such, he had learned to embrace it and to use it.

He had been through more than his fair share of tragedy and watched many good men, and friends, die in battle. He had been tortured, he had even once been killed and brought back to life. It was more than enough for one person.

Carter though… she had at first sparked his interest simply by being attractive. He wasn't going to lie to himself. By the end of the first briefing, he already had alarm bells going off in his head. He remembered thinking well shit if this woman isn't only gorgeous, she's smart and she claims to be a good fighter too.

It only took a couple of missions for him to realise that Samantha Carter was the whole package. She was something else that was for sure – she fought like a solider, thought like a scientist and she even had a sense of humour!

He had at first pushed aside any inappropriate thoughts and feelings, expecting them to fade. Instead over the years they had only strengthened, grown into something almost out of his control. He knew she was the reason he was healing, the reason he was almost human once more.

He constantly reminded himself that she was young and had her whole life ahead of her. She would find a suitable young man at some point; he was sure of it. He heard the talk in the locker room, he knew men fell all over themselves to get her attention… well, actually, no. He used to hear talk in the locker room – until he accidentally slammed one of the locker room doors into a stupid cadet who had been talking about Carter's assets. Now no-one dared speak about her around him.

He looked at the woman beside him, she was absently running her fingers through her wet hair, a faraway look on her face as she looked out over the still waters of the lake.

This woman had changed him, more than just giving him a reason to get up every day alongside the rest of SG-1. She somehow… balanced him. He couldn't work it out… he hadn't felt like this for any woman in his entire life and it confused the hell out of him. Something about her entry into his life just tilted everything back into place.

She had become his touchstone in the hard times. He reached for his vest on the ground beside him and without really thinking, he took out the the stone she had given him the day before. He fiddled with it in his hands, waiting to see what else she wanted to bring up, he knew there was more.

"Do you want to go back to Edora, to Laira?"

He felt his heart skip a beat at the words. He could tell she had been trying to keep her tone neutral, but he saw the little flash of pain in her face, and he felt bad for it. He knew what she was feeling, he felt like it any time she went on a date, hell he felt it even when men looked at her. He felt like someone had stabbed him in the heart. Though he couldn't have her, he had the unsettling feeling that she was his. He would of course, add this to his list of things he could never tell her. He was sure if he stepped forward, punched one of her admirers in the face and said 'she's mine, get your sticky fingers off her' there would be hell to pay.

But Laira… hell, this was bigger than her having a few admirers and he needed to explain himself to her, she deserved it.

"I thought I was stuck there." He ran a thumb over the smooth stone as he thought back. "I really did care about her Carter." He looked up into her eyes and he saw the flicker pain in her eyes again and wanted desperately to tell her the truth, that she was more important to him than anyone in this galaxy, or any other damn galaxies that might be out there. "I don't want to go back to Edora, or back to Laira."

"But you, uh, you care about her?" She asked, tentatively.

"She's a wonderful woman," he hesitated. "I care about her, but I'm not in love with her. If that's what you mean?"

He felt uncomfortable as her eyes searched his and then she looked down to his hands where he was still fiddling with the little stone.

"I missed you." She admitted, still staring at his hands.

"I missed you too," he couldn't help it, he reached forward tilting her chin so that she was looking him in the eyes. "Really missed you."

He was sad to see her eyes had welled with tears, it hurt him to know he was the one to cause her this kind of distress.

"I never gave up, not once." She twisted her chin from his hand and looked back over the water. "Janet pulled me up on my behaviour," she gave him a brief look that he couldn't read, before looking back over the water.

He heaved a sigh. Daniel had told him… well, actually - Daniel had scolded him for his lack of gratitude on being rescued from Edora.

He had told Jack that Carter had not left base, even once. She had spent day and night trying to come up with a way to get him home and she was this whole new person – snippy and unhappy. Daniel had laughed then and said 'actually, like you, when she's not around.'

He had promised his friend he would thank Carter properly but waved off the rest of what he was saying with an eyeroll. Yeah, fine, whatever Daniel.

"I fucked up Carter, I know I did." If the moment wasn't so serious, he would have laughed, her head spun around so fast at his swearing he thought she looked a little dizzy. "I was confused and more than a little surprised to see you, after all that time. I had prepared myself for the fact I might never see you – uh – you all again." He winced. "No, you know what." He held up the stone. "While I'm holding this, I'll be completely honest, okay? This is now the truth stone." She nodded and he was pleased to see he had drawn a little smile from her. "I was afraid I would never see you again, so I chose to think you weren't able to come back. It was preferrable to having hope and then having it dashed. I didn't want to waste my life pining. I took solace with Laira and when you rescued me… I realised I had broken the heart of a really amazing woman." He lowered his head at this. "Two really amazing woman actually, I hurt both of you."

He looked up then, realising he had just given quite the speech. Had he said too much? But she just looked thoughtfully at him and then stretched out a hand. She didn't need to tell him what she wanted; he held the stone out to her.

"My turn," her fingers lingered on his when she took the stone. "Thank you for being honest, I have spent the past few months thinking I had rescued you from the life you really wanted to live." She tossed the stone between her hands expertly and without looking. "I know talking like this is hard for you, but you should know that it means a lot. My mom said something actually, that kind of sums up all this talking we have done since arriving on P3X-234." She tossed the stone into the air and both of them watched it fly, looking for a moment like it was just going to keep going up, up, up into the blue sky above. When it fell, she caught it and held the stone out to him, her hand stretched flat the stone sitting in the centre of her palm. "A burden shared is a burden halved."

She did look less troubled actually. He took the stone from her and popped it back into his vest pocket, hard stuff over. He gave himself a silent pat on the back, he had handled this conversation better than he had expected.

"Normally I would disagree, we all know I hate this… emotional… stuff." He waved between them. "But yes, I feel better having talked."

More than anything he felt these talks were beneficial for her and that made him feel lighter than he had in a long time. He had known these things had been bothering her for months now, she had hidden it well… but he knew. He was too aware of her not to miss those little things… she had touched him less, she opened up to him less and she had that deer in the headlights look on her face whenever they were alone together. It had begun to drive him crazy. He had hoped his invitation to the cabin and to go fishing would help, maybe she needed a vacation, some rest and relaxation…

He looked at her relaxed posture and the little smile playing on her lips. Yeah, she had needed a vacation. Maybe he had to get them trapped away from Earth on a safe planet more often.

TBC