Chapter 5: Enough (Jack's POV)
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A/N: Right, this is the final chapter. I do have some other stories coming up that will connect back to this one though!
Thank you so much for all your support. Your reviews (and kudos) brighten my day! 3
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Jack was not overly surprised to wake up with his arm around Carter's waist, her body tight against his. Every night except for that first awkward night on P3X-234 they had gravitated towards one another. What was it? Magnetic attraction? Maybe he understood that a little more now. Maybe one day he would ask her if she felt the little buzz of electricity between them, if she felt drawn to him the way he did her.
He would never tell her but even off world he often woke having slid off his bed roll and towards her, one arm outstretched. He supposed you couldn't exactly control an unconscious yearning to be close to another person… but it was dangerous.
While he had never been the best at following rules there was one regulation he could not and would not break – and that was the fraternization with another air force officer. Before he met the enticing woman currently in his arms it hadn't even crossed his mind that this might be a problem. He had looked it up - the regulation on fraternization that is - once a couple of years before and it meant for some grim reading… he had plenty of black marks on his record, but Carter had none, and if he was a good leader then he would ensure she never did. But hell, why did it have to be her of all people that he fell for?
He let out a little groan of frustration and felt her stir in his arms, but she didn't wake so he tucked his head closer to hers and breathed in her scent. He knew in this moment that line was rather blurry and if General Hammond walked in on this, they would both be out on their butts faster than you could say Homer Simpson.
But
Were they really at fault? It's not like they chose to sleep in such tight quarters. If two officers were at risk of hypothermia in the field, then they were trained to huddle and share body heat. This was virtually the same thing… right? He felt a little sharp twinge of guilt but pushed it aside and breathed her in some more, desperately trying to hold onto this sense of peace she gave him.
Okay, so neither of them smelled amazing right now that was for sure… but underneath the sweat, dirt and damp-clothing smell that was their current aroma… he could smell her. There was no describing that scent. It gave him a shiver every time he got a good whiff of her. It made him feel a little like he had when holding his son Charlie close.
Content. Whole. Home.
He felt his heart lurch painfully as he thought of Charlie. A vivid memory came to his mind's eye, he remembered sneaking into his son's room late at night and simply laying his head on Charlie's pillow and breathing him in. He smelled of shampoo, of soap, of his boy. Of Charlie. That essence that was just him. It was not the kind of scent you could ever recreate.
The little ritual had been so ingrained that even when Charlie had died – he had made his way to the boy's room and would lay on the boy's bed, his face buried in the pillow taking in the faded scent of Charlie. He had done it without Sara ever knowing. She had blamed him for being away, blamed him when he threw himself into work 'instead of grieving! Grieving for your goddamn SON' She had shouted at him. He grieved. Just, not with her.
He mentally shook himself. Thoughts of Charlie and Sara were rarely pleasant, and hadn't he been agonising over one pretty little Major Samantha Carter? The one whose scent drove him wild as well as somehow centred him…? Because of course, this made sense. He snorted gently at this thought, the air rushing from his nose making her hair flutter.
But for crying out loud, he couldn't go around sniffing his second in command. He most definitely should not be cuddling her… Why was his life so cruel? He could never have Charlie and at this point in time – he could not have Carter either.
He often found himself ruminating like this, wondering about his decision to stay on at the SGC. If he retired, he could have the chance to do this, to hold her every day for the rest of their lives. The one thing he had learned after losing Charlie and divorcing Sara was that the list of regrets often overpowered the happy memories, those memories he was trying so desperately to hold onto.
Was this all worth it? Was what he had with Carter enough? If he retired now, he would probably see less of her, she would stay on – she, being such an integral part of SG-1 could not leave. He knew Daniel and Teal'c would protect her, and he knew General Hammond would find the perfect replacement for him as the leader of SG-1… but if he couldn't be here fighting alongside her… would he simply spend his time at home agonising over her safety? Missing her? Missing the action?
A little part of him also wondered if anyone else could protect her to the extent he did. Sure, he had some inappropriate feelings for her and a strong desire to protect her at all costs – but it went far beyond that. He knew how she worked, he knew how Daniel worked and he knew how Teal'c worked. They were all puzzle pieces that fit together perfectly and there was no recreating that. SG-1 was extraordinary. It's why they consistently seemed to beat the odds.
He felt her waken, but she didn't stiffen or try and move away from him. She simply breathed out a sigh and shifted her hand to his where it lay against her stomach. He knew that she was likely thinking along the same lines as he was, that this was probably the last chance they would have to be this close for a very long time.
They lay like that, both too afraid to speak and break the moment until they heard heavy footfalls outside their tent.
"Time to go," he said regretfully.
"Yes sir," she let out the most heartfelt sigh he had heard yet and he tightened his arm against her in response. "You're going to have to let me go at some point," she said with a little laugh.
"I know," he groaned. "I'm getting there…" he slowly slipped his arm from around her waist and rolled onto his back.
Teal'c was waiting for them by their firepit by the time they got up. He had a pot of porridge over the fire and the sun was only just rising from behind the distant mountains. He didn't know why, considering how many days they had been trying to dial home, but today he felt like they would finally be returning to Earth. There was a strange sense of finality around the three of them, it seemed Teal'c, and Carter felt the same.
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So, when the ka-woosh of the wormhole sounded he was not surprised. He did hesitate as they stepped towards the open wormhole though... He found himself looking over at Carter who somehow, despite roughing it for a week, looked amazing. Despite the rain and cold nights her skin appeared sun kissed, and she even stood differently – she had an air of confidence and… dare he say it, contentment, around her.
"Ready sir?" She asked. When he didn't respond she reached out a hand and touched his arm. He bit his lip, considering her question.
Was he ready?
"Teal'c, can you give us a sec?" He turned and asked the Jaffa and instead of answering her he gently led her by the elbow just out of earshot, not that he thought it mattered much – Teal'c was an observant person it's what made him such a great warrior. He probably recognised the change in them, however small it might be. He had watched them in the field for the past three years, he knew they had a close relationship.
"Not ready then?" She asked and gave him a little smile but nervously tucked her hair behind her ear.
"Carter… is this… are we…" he ran a frustrated hand over his face. "God, I suck at this." She met his gaze, her blue eyes trapping him, and he hoped she could read his mind, it would be easier than finding words.
Is this enough? Are we making the right decision?
"Sir," she bit her lip and then took a step into his space making him suck in a nervous breath, the proximity as usual set all his nerves on fire. "I love what we have, we work well together." She seemed to be struggling to find the words too, pausing to think.
"Is what we have, is it enough?" He blurted the words out before she had a chance to continue and her mouth twitched into a grin, and he felt himself smile too. She knew what he meant.
"Yeah, I think we are going to go kick some Goa'uld butt and do it well." She sounded so like him in that moment it caused a wave of affection to hit him, and he wanted desperately to touch her, to make some contact. Before he could decide what to do, she did it for him – taking his hand in hers she ran a thumb soothingly over the top of his hand.
"It is enough, for now," he said the last two words quietly, he needed to put them out there, but he half hoped she wouldn't hear him. He was putting his heart on the line.
"Yes sir," she dropped his hand, but she didn't step away, simply tilted her face up to his and held his gaze for a long moment. Just looking into her eyes told him more than their words, that were so clunky and awkward, ever could.
"Then, yep… I'm ready. I'm ready for a shower. Are you ready?"
"Yeah, sure you betcha." She winked at him. Actually winked at him and then turned on her heel. That rush of affection returned at her words, and he hoped she continued this light-hearted game of mimicry, he liked it, a lot.
He hurried to catch up to her and knew he had a silly smile on his face but couldn't find it in him to care. Teal'c simply raised an eyebrow when they returned to his side, and he gave the man a one shouldered shrug in response.
"Let's go," Jack told them, but he turned and took one last look behind him… at the forest, the snow-capped mountains in the distance and the little tendrils of smoke rising from where they had just lived for seven days.
Something between he and Carter had changed on this planet, but something inside him had changed too. He felt as though he had been reset, it was unfortunate it had taken a near-death experience and being trapped off-world – but when he returned, he would go to Minnesota and take the time to reflect on these changes, he needed to reinforce everything he had learned about himself, about her. He doubted he would be able to convince Carter to come, not now. They needed to maintain some professional distance while they adjusted to this new iteration of their… working relationship… back on Earth.
Just having her in his life was enough. The rest would fall into place in time. But in a small way she had him, and he had her – and this was all he needed.
TBC.