Day 11- Forest of Death
たえるPart 1 (taeru=to endure)
Rated M, Ninja Universe that underwent some changes (you'll see that I use major events in the canon world but there is a lot of history that's altered), OOC (major OOC for Hinata especially)
Warning: mental health, rape, violence, all in all a gloomy mood
Hello lovely people, so this story as you can see from the warnings is going to be quite a complex and difficult one, both to write and read. I've had this AU in my head for the past 5 years or so, but never truly got around to writing it. However, upon looking at the prompts I could see that some consecutive days worked well for this story so, I took it as a sign. For those that followed my SH Month contribution last year aka 2020, what I wrote for day 12 was an alternative ending to this story, I will of course change the way the story ends this year (I had 2 endings for this story and the one from last year was the tragic one, and it also wasn't as developed as this story will be this year) so there's no spoiler in reading that one. This story I'm pretty much writing for myself, I want to see how I feel once it's finally all on paper/screen, since it's been with me for such a long time. It's the first time that I go into writing something and knowing everything about the story, all it's important moments. Of course, there is still lots I'll have to discover as I write, especially details and the manner in which I express what I have in my mind. All in all, my plan is to have this as a mini-series that will be composed of the following days: 11, 12, 14, 15, 16, 17. There is the possibility that I won't need that many parts since I intend to make each chapter pretty long but that I can only figure that out once I finish writing it so, I am just as clueless as you all. Anyway, enough talking, I hope you all enjoy, ~Love, Dia.
Hinata, age 22
"Fall back, don't attack" I shouldn't have to shout these instructions at them, had this been a real situation one of them would have been decapitated while another cut on his shoulder, the girl was the only one safe, and that's just because she was far too scared to attack. The girl's hands are trembling, and she is almost hyperventilating, one of the boys is cursing and making a fuss about how his 'plan' should have worked, said plan was to go head-first into the fight without an actual plan; the other boy is just standing still, massaging the shoulder that would have been cut. The symmetry with my old team didn't amuse me in the beginning and it's not amusing now either. After one mission that had gone wrong, their sensei was out in a comma and I was commended to look after the trio. I didn't even realize my fists were clenched until my nails broke the skin in my palms, sending a small stinging sensation up my arms. I was supposed to be on a single mission now, but since I got caught in this situation someone else had gone. They could have assigned someone else to the kids, someone that didn't have other missions to attend. I sent a raven informing my…other party about the fact that it would not be me in the mission, but no reply had reached my ears yet, saying that I am concerned, is an understatement. I can picture the fiasco that could come out of this and I want no part in it.
"H-Hinata-sensei…w-what should we do next?"
The reckless boy is jumping from one foot to the other eager to move, run, fight, train; the girl is looking at me with wide eyes and a smile, way too kind for this world she is entering; the last boy is still deep in thought about his supposed-to-be-injured shoulder, not paying me any attention. I'm about to tell them they are dismissed for the day, but a cheerful voice from somewhere to the left interrupts me.
"Working hard I see"
"Naruto-san!"
All three cheer in unison and gather around the older male but he's looking at me, smiling at me. I try to do my best to return the smile but the outcome is an absolute failure, the blonde's smile slowly turns into a frown and I can't bear to see that, so I avert my eyes and turn to look to the sky. It's turning purpleish, the moon can be seen, but the sun's still the dominant heavenly orb.
"I think it's enough for one day, you're dismissed" I say softly, still not looking at the kids or at Naruto.
I can see the girl bow from my peripheral vision, the boy whines and the other one is already walking away. I continue looking at the sky, the sun is surrounded by clouds that in the light appear a crimson colour, making the image a little more morbid than it should have been.
"You seem in deep thought"
If I weren't as trained as I am, I might have flinched, you couldn't hear him move closer, but I saw him, even with my eyes looking somewhere else, I can see his chakra network. I see his arm reaching over to touch my chin and turn it towards him.
"Don't be like this Hina. It's only temporary, we all thought…"
They all thought that by making me a temporary sensei I'd find joy in it and decide to follow that path, that I'd drop my mask on the Hokage's desk and pick up one of the green vests to lead 3 children in missions, but they were all mistaken. I haven't felt quite this sad and low in a while and considering everything, that's a very scary thought. It frightened me how much this sudden change in my routine affected my mood.
"We're all just worried. I'm worried"
Despite the fact that he had turned my chin towards him, my eyes were still on the sun, it still shines brightly making it look white at that moment, with red clouds, like a bleeding eye watching everything from the skies. The image that pops into my mind is enough to make me cringe. I see Neji. I see him looking at me and crying like that night, I see him looking at me and bleeding like that night.
I know he's following my line of thoughts because Naruto squeezes my hand trying to distract me from the sky. He's pulling me along by the hand, had this happened when I was 11, I'd squeal in pleasure and faint after blushing like a tomato. I feel sorry for my old self, the one that was just like the shy girl in this team, the one that had high hopes, the one that had the world at her feet. Sometimes I realize with almost horror that I've become the person I used to be afraid of when I was small. ANBUs always scared me, how could someone be so insensitive, what did one go through for their feelings to be stripped from them and buried deep inside. It's strange looking at Naruto and not seeing what I used to see before. In my memories, he was a god with flowing gold instead of hair, the ocean as eyes, and every drop of kindness in the world resided in his smile and words. Even after the incident in my youth, he was still so special, but since I have woken up after the war, he was just a blonde and blue-eyed boy with dreams just as many others.
"We're all meeting tonight for a BBQ. It's been a long time since we've all been in the village at the same time"
The only thing that's just as I remember is his enthusiasm, it could rub onto everyone and anyone, but somehow, I've become immune to it for a moment, it almost even irritates me now. It might be due to my sudden mood drop since being made a temporary sensei, or it might be that I am tired of his constant presence. I can feel my annoyance bubble up.
"Not everyone in the rookie 9 is here, Naruto"
As soon as I say this, I wish to take it back, he squeezes my hand a little harder and has to clear his throat. I never truly meant to hurt him, I'm exhausted and irascible, but I feel bad, so I place my other hand on his shoulder. We stop walking in the middle of the street with people all around. He looks hurt, but his eyes are lighting up by the second, he takes my hand from his shoulder and intertwined our fingers and smiles at me again, that's what he's been doing all the time lately, he constantly smiles at me. I can tell that despite being hurt; he appreciates the fact that I regret saying that. It makes me feel even worse because I could end most of his sorrow. I could take this job as a sensei, smile and act happy, I could stop being an ANBU, I could also tell him how to find the one person he really wishes to find. But I don't do any of these. I don't pretend to be ok; I don't ignore my wished to do what others want me to do, and I surely don't break a promise just to see Naruto happy. I can't put him before anyone and everyone else anymore, I've done that a number of times and it never ended well for me.
People are staring as we walk hand in hand, I hear the whispers, I see them nod. Suddenly all of this makes me feel tired, instead of walking a half step behind him I walk a bit faster to get next to him and lean my head on his shoulder. It has been over 3 years and 8 months since I woke up and 3 years and 10 months since the war ended. I'm getting tired of icing everyone out, especially Naruto, since he's making it so hard for me to do so. He looks for me every day, he talks to me about everything and anything, he makes sure that whenever we're together he keeps physical contact, shoulder touching, holding hands anything, just to make sure I am real and there.
I know I scared everyone when they walked in on me trying to end myself after finding out that every nightmare I had when I was in a coma was indeed true. Naruto never stopped watching over me, he feels guilty and I understand, for a while there I actually blamed him too.
"You can always do this, you know, lean on me"
I know I can, just as he knows I won't. Reaching the BBQ place, he lets my hand go and allows me to enter first, laughter can be heard from inside and it almost makes me smile.
"Hinata! Naruto! Over here!"
Sakura stands up from her seat and is waving us over, it's clear she has just returned from a mission, her hair's oily, and she had bandages on her left leg, her arm has a few scratches here and there, but her smile is just as big as Naruto's. For a moment I am jealous of how carefree she appears to be, but the feeling passes soon, because everybody in that room is a little less themselves than they were before the war. We entered the war to make the world better, but I'm wondering if we didn't make it worse, sure there's peace, but only because everyone is broken due to their losses that fighting isn't even on their mind.
"Hina, come here we saved you a spot between us. Team 8, huh?"
Kiba yells from his sport and pats the seat next to him, I haven't seen the brunette in over 3 weeks and no matter how sad I feel, he and Shino are still my team, hearing his words makes me smile, I have a soft spot for them in my heart. I feel like everyone turns to look at me and falls quiet like they are scared to spook me, but I pretend not to notice and go to sit next to my former teammates. Shino's shoulder is touching mine and Kiba has his hand on my knee the whole time. Naruto's sitting across the table and under it he keeps bumping my foot with his.
I have to admit, the outing did me good, I liked being out with everyone, well…almost everyone. The only person missing is the other male from team 7. Sasuke returned to the village after the war for two months and a few days, he was there when I woke up and when I tried to kill myself, but after that he was gone, telling anyone that asked that he'd travel and return from time to time. He hasn't kept his promise yet.
"How is it being in charge of 3 kids?"
Kiba insisted on walking me home, and of course, Naruto joined.
"I don't really enjoy it. I prefer my normal missions"
The boys look at each other in a subtle way but I notice it anyway, I just don't acknowledge it. After waking up my eyes seem to work better, I see small things that others might not, small things that I wasn't able to before; even without my Byakugan on I can see faintly the chakra channel of people, I haven't told anyone about that yet. If I try, I can even pinpoint people in the village by their chakra, the more used to their presence and chakra I am the easier it is for me to find them even at a great distance.
"I still don't like that you moved out of the Hyuuga compound" I've been hearing the same tune over and over for the past 3 years. 8 months after I woke up after the war, I became a Black Ops and moved out of the Hyuuga compound, not many people agreed, but they didn't stop me either.
"Father doesn't like it either. But he didn't see fit to argue at the time"
No one saw fit to argue with me, they just allowed me to do whatever I pleased after I woke up. This happened before too when I was 12. Right after the first three tests of Chunnin exam. The incident that changed me, the incident that changed everyone around me for the worst, only Neji for the better.
When everyone found out about what I intended to do, they treated me like glass, like this breakable thing they all thought I was. And I didn't really blame them, only the Uchiha male had it in him to argue with me about my attempt. He was there when Naruto and Sakura discovered me but didn't react, rather he returned that night to scream at me and tell me that I had "lost my fucking mind". I was so surprised, I started laughing which soon turned to sobs, which made Sasuke abandon his stoic face and offer me comfort through an awkward semi-hug. Imagine my surprise when I woke up and he had just one arm, we didn't talk about the loss of the other limb or why he refused a new one. He allowed me to cry and mourn, to vent in his arm and I took full advantage of his presence.
"Tomorrow Kakashi said he'll give you a C mission with your team"
Kiba left a long time ago, but the blonde is still sitting on my sofa like he couldn't be more at home if he tried. He's watching me over his shoulder as I move around the kitchen making tea.
"I see…"
I hadn't gone on a C mission in years. I retook the Chunnin exam at 14, became a Jounin at 15 and an Anbu by 16. Kakashi hesitated when I asked to be transferred to the Black Ops only 6 months after I woke up after the war, thus it took me a few more months of persuasion until he obliged. He probably gave in, in hopes the I would detest it and change my mind. The hopes fell short when I started doing missions alone and I absolutely adored everything.
"I think this mission will do you good" Naruto got up from the sofa and was behind me, his hand on my shoulder, rubbing with his thumb the spot right above my collarbone, I had a scar there. "I think the kids will do you good, from what I saw they seem lovely" When I first met the kids I wondered if the failed mission and their sensei being hurt was all lies, what were the chances of a team that perfectly mirrored my own being entrusted to me after an 'accident'.
I put the fire off before the water starts to boil and turn around towards the blond. "I think I'm a bit tired" It's not a lie, I am tired, but I've been tired for a while now, it's not the type of tired you can fix with a good night's sleep. "Tomorrow I have an important mission after all" I know I'm using his weaknesses to manipulate him, but I can't feel bad when he's doing the same thing to me. He's twisting my life to his liking hoping I'd somehow fit back into the 'Hinata mold' he remembers, but that mold was never true, it's just a variation of me he created in his own mind, a version of me I will never be.
He looks tired too, I can imagine it must be exhausting to deal with me as well, but nonetheless, he obliges. He wishes me good night and for a moment I'm frightened he'll lean in to give me a hug; he doesn't. I watch as he leaves my apartment and the moment, he is gone the air feels lighter. I almost feel fine; but I remember that I was supposed to be somewhere else tonight, I remember that tomorrow is another day of babysitting and my mood dampens again. My mind is running in circles but I decide to go to bed, after all, I know I'll have nightmares I always do unless I am dead on my feet physically exhausted. Maybe that's why I like being an ANBU, it's challenging and after every mission, I sleep peacefully without any dreams at all. But now, as a sensei…it's a game of Russian roulette, which nightmare will it be tonight? I've heard people say that they are afraid of their nightmares, I am too, even though my nightmares aren't fiction, they're memories.
I do my night routine and lay down, I can already tell which nightmare it is before it truly starts, because each nightmare has a set beginning, this one always starts with me laying on the wet and muddy ground. The most distinctive characteristic of this nightmare is the smell of blood, rain, mud and semen mixed together. The amount of pain I am in stops me from reacting or acting disgusted. Despite knowing the course of the nightmare and everything that is about to transpire, I still feel the same anxiety, the same dread and hopelessness.
One could argue and say that I am lucky, because the nightmare always starts after the act itself ended, I don't have to relive being raped (which took me years to even think the r word without throwing up, and took me even longer to admit it happened to me without going in hysteria). But that's not how it ended, it's not delimited to that hour or however long it took, the act lingered into my life and changed everything. For me at last, the worst part was the constant feeling I had after it all ended, I felt being tainted, impure, it affected how I viewed and treated myself, how I expected others to treat me.
This nightmare relieves the incident of my youth, after the first three trials of the Chunin exam, I was eliminated for I lost to Neji. My health at the time was in shambles, but more so was my life home. Father was livid that I lost to a branch member, being home was not an option so I found myself wandering around, I loved sitting at the base of a tree in the forest outside Konoha. One day I wandered too far for too long and had a coughing attack which led to me fainting. It wasn't uncommon, it happened before, but I was always with someone when it happened, this time I was all alone. I woke up hours later, it must have rained, I could smell it in the air, but my clothes weren't sticking to me, that's when I felt it, heart it, smelt it. There was someone above me, moving heavily, their breath was in my ear, the smell of their seat was surrounding me and my lower half was in so much pain, I thought I was splitting open. I was confused and scared. I am uncertain if I blacked out again, or if the memories are too traumatic and my brain actively blocked them, but all I remember after is the crude words of the man, thanking me for being a good girl, describing how good it felt for him, and apologizing for having to do what he was about to do. His words were quickly followed by a series of three stabs, one in my shoulder, stomach and one right above my pelvis where it already hurt.
I laid there, unmoving for what felt like an eternity, I kept wishing to bleed to death because living after that felt impossible, I wanted to be gone, nobody was going to miss me anyway. The sky was cleared of all the rain clouds and I could look up at the stars, they looked beautiful but their beauty could not touch me. There was no sound other than my beating heart which I kept asking to stop, until I hear leaves moving in the wind, the movement is far too fast to be caused by the night breeze. 'Someone must be here' I thought to myself, and at that exact moment I see a dark figure jump from one tree to another high, high, high above me, they look like the stars, beautiful and far. I pray that they will continue going on their way, I don't want to be seen, I don't want to be saved. I'm relieved when they pass, but I don't even have the time to close my eyes when they return and jump down to me.
I see a faint image of a face that I am familiar with, the fact that I recognize him tells me he recognizes me too, I feel utter shame. Sasuke looks down at me, his lips are moving but I can't hear a thing anymore, not even my heart. He's moving around a lot, for a second, I think he left but I feel a foreign cloth covering my body. I am suddenly off the ground and in his arms, I thought the pain I felt before was bad, but the moment he moves me every inch of my body flares up in pain, I scream and cry, I want to push him away because every step he takes stirs my body and the pain doubles. I beg him over and over and over again 'leave me here, let me die, no one will ever know, leave, leave, leave, leave, leave'. But it's all in vain, for I either was unable to actually form the words, or he chose to ignore my wishes.
The road was painful, I was feeling lightheaded from the loss of blood probably, but I either blacked out, or Sasuke was extremely fast for we reached the hospital before any other coherent thoughts could form in my brain. Sasuke gently places me onto one of the hospital beds and a flood of doctors come my way. I watch as Sasuke's face fades into the distance and once he is gone, I close my eyes and the next time I open them there are birds chirping outside my window. According to the doctor I was in an induced coma for over 3 weeks, in that time I underwent 4 surgeries all of which were successful, I only need to complete a two-week rehab and 'You're good to go'. The doctor talks and talks about all they did to fix my body, but that's all they could do, they are unable to fix me, for I am forever altered.
Father and Neji come to find me, they assure me this incident was dealt with in secrecy and nobody but the doctors knew I had been…abused. I am informed of many other facts, how the village was attacked during the last art of the exam, how many were injured, how Sasuke left the village. This last piece of information piques my interest, was he running away the night he found me? Was he just taking a walk like myself? Why was he there that night?
The rest of the nightmare continues with the manner in which people in my family that knew about the incident started treating me differently, Neji was nice, Father was more lenient but somehow even more uninterested, the elders looked at me with pity but also as a failure and a used good. I no longer held any value in their eyes…or my own. I felt a complex set of emotions; which to this day I cannot distinguish, were they anger, depression, guilt or maybe a combination of them all; and the only way to escape from them was through training. I soon found that if I was physically exhausted my mind too would stop wondering, I started training until I dropped, I only fell asleep if I blacked out due to exhaustion.
I wake up hating myself for sleeping with a busy mind. I hate how much the nightmares still affects me. I hate how I allow that incident to rule parts of my exitance, whenever I walk through that damned forest, I get chills. After I became an ANBU I often found myself going to the approximate spot it all happened. To me that's the forest of death, my soul died there for the first time. I get up and look across the room at the full mirror, I see the mess that my hair is, I must have tossed and turned a lot in my sleep, my skin is covered in a thin layer of sweat and I look tired, more tired than I did when I went to bed. The image alone makes me want to burst into tears for some reason. But I don't have time for that, instead, I go to take a shower and prepare for my first C mission since I was 14 or so.
I hate how after this particular nightmare I always am more self-aware of the scars the stabs left behind, the one on my shoulder faded beautifully and it's barely a thin line, the other two are much bigger and…uglier to look at. On normal days I'm mildly bothered by them, but today I try not to look or touch them because I can tell I will lose it soon. My shower is short and brief and I hurry to get dressed not caring that there are still water droplets onto my skin. I run a quick brush through my hair and leave the apartment. I'll be there early but I know so will the kids, I remember how excited I was everything we had a mission as a fresh Genin, I still get excited about the missions but mostly because they led me to weeks or months away from the village.
When I near the Hokage building my suspicions are confirmed, the team is there. I simply nod at them and the four of us enter Kakashi's office to listen to the details about the mission. It feels awkward knocking at the door and entering that way. As an ANBU we usually enter through the window and we do so without asking for permission. Kakashi nods at me and starts reading off of his piece of paper.
"The mission is to escort Lady Shimizu around the village for the day, make sure nothing happens to her"
I start counting in my head as Kakashi starts talking, I reach 11 when the thing I waited for happens.
"We're bodyguards for some lady? Really? That is so lame, I thought this was a C mission"
The boy wines, the girl tries to calm him down and apologize and the other boy doesn't say anything. Kakashi's looking at me and I look right back at him, I have no intention of controlling them, they aren't my problem, he dumped them on me and I make no move to aid him in this situation, let him see what hell he put me in. Shikamaru, who is to the Hokage's right sighs, I would feel bad, but they deserve this.
After a bit more whining, and Shikamaru explaining twice how important the mission truly is, we leave and soon enough reach the gates where we have to wait for the lady to appear. The boy keeps cursing under his breath, the other boy tells him once more to shut up and the girl tries to calm both of them down…again. I lean on one of the pillars and try to empty my head of thoughts when a sudden chill goes through my every nerve, it makes me stand straighter almost like an impulse.
"Got stuck babysitting?"
The 3 children look up to the voice, part surprised, part excited and part terrified. I half-smile at him when he drops from one of the tree branches next to me. I have the sudden urge to touch him but I don't.
"I did. That's why I couldn't go in that mission"
"I got your raven"
I look him up and down in search of any new major injuries but nothing stands out, finally, my eyes settled onto his, Sasuke gives me a nod and a smirk. I look to the children and they are watching the interaction between us with wide-opened eyes. Sasuke takes a step closer to me and our shoulders brush.
"I'll see you later Hyuuga" he whispers before disappearing further in the village.
"Hinata-sensei I didn't know you knew Uchiha-san so well! That's amazing, I never saw him so close before"
"Y-yea he's not t-that scary"
Their voices blend into one and are taken away on the wind, my only response is a half nod, they keep talking about whatever kids these days talk about. Now more than ever I wish the day to be over, I wish to be at my apartment. I take a deep breath and close my eyes for a moment and I ignore the talking kids beside me, I faintly see many chakras throughout the village, but I'm looking for a specific one, no, I'm not looking for any sign that the lady is getting closer. I'm looking for a chakra that I know all too well and I can easily distinguish from all the others, I get a flicker of a deep blue-purple chakra near my apartment and that makes me smile, I release a small amount of chakra as well to let him know I understood his message. I open my eyes and the moment is broken, the kids are looking up at me and my apathy towards them grows.
After spending over 10 hours walking around a lady, who turned out to be 12, I couldn't run fast enough to get home. I open my door and walk straight to the bathroom to take a long and warm bath, all of my worries from this morning erased from my memory. I don't need to be tired beyond return today, I have something better to keep the nightmares at bay. I get out of the bath, put on a towel and walk into my room. The lights are on in my bedroom, but I knew they would be, I felt it when I came in. Sitting on my bed reading a scroll is Sasuke, he doesn't look up or turn around when my towel drops nor when I look through my dressers to put my sleeping attire.
"I still can't believe they put you in charge of children" his voice is deep and low.
I sigh but ignore the Uchiha. I climb in bed and turn off the lamp on my part of the bed. I hear him put the scroll away and turn off the other lamp, he lowers himself over me and runs his hand up and down my spine.
"I haven't seen you in a few weeks and you ignore me?"
With a big sigh, I turn around to look at him. Last time he annoyed me and I promised myself not to let him do as he pleases unless he apologized, but I already know that won't be the case, I can already feel myself cracking under the pressure of his gaze. His eyes turn red and purple in the dark, illuminating his face, his smug smirk makes me roll my eyes because he knows he won.
I run both hands through his hair, I'm tired mentally, more so than usual, dealing with four children is not something I want to go through again. Sasuke seems to understand that, he simply turns onto his back and pulls me half across him. One of my arms is across his torso and his hand is softly stroking my hair. We have time tomorrow to play around. As usual, he masks his chakra whenever he's here, in my apartment in Konoha, in any Inn room or wherever I was staying during my missions. One could never be careful enough, and one could never be sure who was watching. I hate all the sneaking around, but I'm also painfully aware that we can't expose our relationship. I chase away all bad thoughts and immerse myself into the moment, for the first time in weeks my mind is clear, my heart is light and I can breathe. I look at Sasuke's face one last time before falling into a deep and dreamless slumber.
"Is the dobe still glued to your side?"
Sasuke is a very matinal kind of person, there are times when I'm not even sure if he slept at all. On the other side, I can spend hours in bed with him falling in and out of consciousness, I have this theory that whenever he's there I try to get in a years' worth of peaceful sleep, for I know the moment he leaves the nightmares will return. That's why I never like it when he wakes me up out of the blue like he did now. I open one eye to look at the black-eyed male and he's also staring at me, with a big sigh I make a big show of sitting up, glaring at him and sitting back down on my other side. The clock on the wall shows that it's barely 5 in the morning. I'm painfully aware that I won't go back to sleep, especially not when he's looking at me the way he does, not when his hand is slowly rubbing up and down my spine. He lowers his face until his mouth is on the back of my neck. "Hinata" he murmurs against my skin and I can feel my body heath raising.
I turn back around to face him and pat his head, years ago he would have rolled his eyes and stopped my hand but now he leans into it, placing his head onto my chest and allowing me to run my hands through his hair. "He is" I reply to his earlier question and receive back a hn. Silence falls over the room and I close my eyes back, maybe I can fall back asleep after all.
I hope you enjoyed, I'm quite interested to see your opinions on this story. as I said I know it's really dark and Hinata is maaaajorly OOC due to the events that I added in her history.