Who Knows what you think of me now? Chapter 2
Mary sat at her dressing table crying into her gloves as Anna patted her back soothingly. She had been strong in front of her mother and sisters. She had not let them see how devastated she was that Matthew was engaged. When Edith first said that she would have missed Matthew if she had come back the next day to miss the concert, and her mother said that Matthew was in the village, her heart had leapt with joy. She would finally have the opportunity to try to make things right. But then Edith so happily added that Matthew now had a fiancé. He was engaged to be married; he was bringing her to Downton to meet his mother. All was now truly lost!
"M 'Lady, I know it's hard, but you will be ok."
Mary sniffed.
"Anna, I don't know if I'm strong enough to go down and face him. It's hard for me to believe he has moved on. For two years I could not bear to move on."
"Your Lady Mary. You can do it."
A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A
Mary hung back in the crowd waiting to see him as he entered Downton, no longer the heir, no longer the future son in law, but a distant cousin and friend. Would he look different? Was coming back here hard for him too? And then she saw him talking to her father, a sweet very young red head at his side. That must be his fiancé. She looked no older than Sybil, perhaps younger. She looked sweet, she looked happy beside him. Just then she caught his eye. She gave him a small smile and their eyes locked. He continued to stare at her, a stare full of longing and loss until the pretty red head caught his attention.
Mary lost her nerve; she could not face him, not yet. She exited out of the room through a side entrance and nearly tripped over her little brother who was being chased by the nanny. Albert was a quick little boy at almost two years old. He resembled mama, except for his blonde hair and the Crawley blue eyes. Now that she thought about it, he looked like Matthew. How cruel, she thought to have a mini Matthew in the house. In a different world, Albert could be her baby; her and Matthew's. She imagined that is what a son of Matthew's would look like.
Mary scooped up her little brother, as he squealed delightfully. Mary kissed him on his forehead and hugged him tightly, not letting him escape from her grasp. Mary thought about scolding the nanny but realized she really could not be blamed. Albert was a very active toddler and probably wanted to see what all the fuss was about.
"Nanny, I'll take him for a while and show him all that is about. Take a break but come back to get him when the concert starts."
"Yes, my lady"
Mary's broken heart clamed just by having Albert in her arms. She started to quiet him and tell him all about the concert and how they were going to go get a peek at the people and the musical instruments but that he would have to behave. She set him down, holding his hand and started to walk back toward the great hall, only to be stopped dead in her tracks. There before her was Matthew; alone.
Matthew did not realize he was holding his breath until he felt it exhale. He had caught Mary's eye in the great hall. She was more beautiful than ever; more beautiful than the day he left her like an idiot. Well perhaps not. Now that there was a new heir to Downton, a rightful heir, someone born to Robert and Cora, he felt he had probably made the best move. Mary would never have married him; she only would have further crushed his heart. He had been surprised that he had not heard that she had married a duke or a baron. Of course, it was war time and most eligible men were at the front. But still, who would not want Mary. He certainly wanted her, even if she was beyond his reach.
Now he saw her holding the new heir. The child was beautiful. And as he watched her tenderly speak to him, he realized what a wonderful mother she was going to be. He sighed wistfully. He had been right to move on. Lavinia loved him and had jumped at the opportunity to marry him. They had only known each other a few short weeks, only seen each other a few times. But she was sweet and lovely and would make a wonderful wife for a solicitor. And it gave him hope about the future.
But now seeing Mary again, could he really give his heart to Lavinia? Mary owned his heart even if she did not want it. She was beautiful, she was clever and had a fiery personality. She had more than matched him in all their debates. He was so excited to be in her presence. And now looking at her stroking the boy's cheek and speaking softly to him, he saw a whole other side of Mary. She was gentle and loving and would we a wonderful mother. But there was nothing to be done about it.
As Mary set Albert down, their eyes met, followed by gasps.
"Mary"
"Matthew"
Their words were short, but their tone was full of longing.
"Matthew, I don't believe you have met my brother. This is Albert Patrick Crawley."
Matthew smiled at the boy and Albert, who was not shy at all, smiled back. Then Albert let go of Mary's hand and tugged on Matthew's.
"He likes you. You can hold him if you want. He would probably like that."
Matthew looked at her quite shocked. Should he be holding the next heir to the title? Quickly, Albert was coaxing his way up Matthew's leg and Matthew eagerly picked him up. And then the cutest thing happened. Albert pointed to Matthew's hair and to his own and said, "same."
Mary smirked; Albert had seen immediately what she knew. He looked like Matthew. It was crazy.
"I always told you that you were the son that Papa had never had. And now you see that even Albert sees that you are like a brother to him."
Matthew did not know what to say. He had nothing witty to reply. He just held Albert tighter and stared at Mary; open mouthed, almost like the day they had first met before finally saying;
"I guess the Crawley genes run deep. It is quite surprising. But I will take it as a compliment."
Mary smiled.
"Which is how it was intended. Though it's been such a long time, who knows what you think of me now?"
They stood now closely, with a natural ease, with a companionable silence while Albert played with Matthew's dress uniform. Not only was it as if two years had not passed, it was as if the two years had passed in an entirely different manner. For just a moment, it was as if they were a small family of their own, a father reunited with his wife and child after being separated by war.
But no matter how it appeared, that is not what it was. Mary hesitated for a moment before saying.
"I'm so glad you are here tonight, I thought perhaps we would never see you again. Two years is an awfully long time."
Matthew looked deeply at her. He did not know what to say. He had returned bringing a fiancé, yet now as they stood together with her baby brother, he could not imagine any other life than one beside her. But that was impossible now. He was committed to another and he was sure Mary would not want him anyway, that had been clear before Albert was born. Yet the way she looked at him, there was a longing that was reflected in his own eyes. Well she was a Lady, an aristocrat, she would never be with him. He had to shake himself out of this delusion.
"I'm glad to see you looking so well. I was surprised how much I missed this place and its people."
She gave him a small smile and brushed his arm familiarly; the way she had done in the past before they had officially been romantically entangled; before he had proposed to her.
"You win! We are at peace. Time and war have a way of changing things, don't you think?" she asked him almost imploringly. She wanted a sign that it had changed the way he saw things. But he had a fiancé, it obviously did not.
"Well this boy is obviously the biggest change. Mary, he is wonderful! I can't be sorry about it. No matter how it impacted my life, or I should say what I thought my life would be."
"I agree he is the most wonderful thing to have happened in the last two years. And I'm not sorry about it, even with the way it impacted my life and the choices I made."
Was she sorry that she had not committed to him? She certainly sounded that way. He wanted to ask her. She was looking like she wanted him to ask. It was an opening.
"Mary, I, I, …"
Just then he was interrupted by a sweet voice.
"Oh, there you are Matthew, I thought you had gotten lost."
It was Lavinia, looking a bit timid, but self-assured as she walked over to the three of them. Mary stepped back and took Albert from his arms. Matthew blanched. He had done nothing wrong, yet he felt uneasy.
"I'm sorry. Lavinia, please meet my cousin Mary and my cousin Albert. Mary, my fiancé Lavinia Swire."
Lavinia smiled at Albert and greeted Mary.
"It's wonderful to meet you. I just met your parents and sisters and they are very lovely. And is this Albert, as in the next earl of Grantham?"
Matthew looked at her with a puzzled expression, why was she putting so much emphasis on the baby? When he met Lavinia, he never told her why he had moved to Downton. Just that he and his mother wanted to relocate and start anew, and that Robert had invited them to come and make an impact on the village. It seemed odd for Lavinia to be mentioning the Earldom.
Mary answered her coolly.
"This is my baby brother Albert. He is going to be two in December. He may have a future as an Earl, but for now he is just a toddler who loves to learn about things and people. I was going to bring him into the great hall to see the musicians and guests before the concert gets started. Matthew – wonderful to see you again. Nice to meet you Lavinia."
And just like that she turned to leave, taking Albert with her leaving Matthew and Lavinia staring after her.
A/N – So Lavinia is more layered in my version. She may be sweet, but she sees what is in front of her and is not afraid to take it on. Also, in this version with Matthew no longer being the heir, no longer in the position to take her rightful inheritance, Mary has no lingering resentment for his position, all she sees is the man and her love for him. Matthew, still lovestruck thinks now that he is no longer the heir, there is no possibility that she would be with him.
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