Who knows what you think of me now – chapter 3
Lavinia had been searching for Matthew. He had been by her side introducing her to Robert and Cora and the girls, but then he told her he needed the lavatory and that she should keep company with his mother. Lavinia liked Isobel, or at least for the few hours that she had known her. Isobel was welcoming, but at the same time seemed to be scrutinizing her as if wondering why on earth her only son had proposed to her. She had dropped hints about how sudden she felt it was, and that they should not rush things.
Matthew had been gone a good twenty minutes when Lavinia started wandering through doors and hallways. It was then that she saw them. They did not see her; they were too engrossed with each other. They looked like a little reunited family. She saw the way the dark-haired woman looked at Matthew; cool exterior, but eyes full of love. The way she had brushed Matthew's arm in such a familiar way.
Matthew had not told her much about his life at Downton, nor the family he referred to as his distant but close cousins. He had spoken about Robert and Cora and Edith and Sybil and he had mentioned Mary, but barely said anything about her. Could this dark-haired woman be Mary? Matthew certainly seemed very comfortable with her. And who was the adorable little boy? Could he be the heir, the one she had heard people talk about in the great hall? He was a beautiful blonde boy with blue eyes. In fact, he resembled Matthew in every way. Odd that a distant cousin should look so much like her fiancé.
Then she saw the longing look that Matthew gave Mary, the way they laughed easily together. The way when you looked at the three of them together, they looked like a family. Was this boy really the Earl's son? Lady Grantham had been in her 40's when she gave birth to him. Perhaps this was all really a cover up? Lavinia let her imagination take over. Mary and Matthew certainly looked like a couple. Had they had a relationship? Had Matthew gotten her pregnant? Was this boy his son? Had the Crawleys covered up the whole thing by claiming that the child was theirs?
The whole thing did not make sense. Surely if Matthew had been with this woman, he would have married her, especially if he knew she was pregnant. Yet when you looked at the child, it was so clearly his. Matthew would never have abandoned a woman he had known, who carried his child. Did she really know Matthew? Maybe she did not, she had only seen him a half dozen times before they agreed to write to each other and then when he came to London a few days ago he proposed, and she accepted. She would have to find out the truth, but meanwhile she would have to present herself as self-confident. Matthew was her fiancé regardless of what his relationship with this woman had been. And it was then that she had interrupted them.
Matthew had barely acknowledged her. He seemed like a dear stuck by the road looking at an automobile. He had literally shaken himself out of his obsessive stare of Mary. They had been discussing the impact of Albert's birth on their lives, how they both could not be sorry for it. Lavinia was beginning to think that her imagination was the reality. She now had to figure out how she was going to find out for sure. She would have to start with Isobel. She did not think that Matthew would answer her outright. They only had a few more days before he had to return to France.
She loved Matthew; she really did. The thought that he could be tied to another woman, especially with a child, a child that was his, terrified her. How could he have asked her to marry him if this was the situation? Matthew loved her, didn't he? That is what he had told her before he proposed. Well even if this Lady Mary did love Matthew, it was of no matter to her. She would hold on to him as tightly as she could.
All throughout the concert, as she sat next to Matthew, Lavinia could feel eyes on her back. Was the whole Grantham family staring at her, wondering why Matthew had chosen her as his wife? Was it because they knew about him and Mary? Were they all keeping a secret? Lavinia looked over her shoulder but all she saw was Mary quickly looking down. It was obvious that she had been staring at Matthew. Every glimpse of her that she got confirmed in her mind, that this Mary, this Lady Mary was in love with her fiancé. Now to find out if Matthew was in love with her as well.
Dinner was proving to be difficult, Lavinia found it odd the seating arrangement that had her sitting next to Robert, but Matthew across the table sitting next to Mary. She wondered if Lady Grantham was trying to make something happen. Lavinia kept glancing over to Matthew, but he did not see her because he was engrossed in a conversation with Mary. Did the two of them even realize that it was as if they were in their very own world? Lavinia sighed, but smiled at her dinner companions. She supposed she would have to get to the bottom of this later.
At the other end of the table, Mary and Matthew were as Lavinia had thought in their own world. Mary had asked him some polite questions about the war and what he intended to do after it, and he in turn had expressed that he hoped that she did not mind that he brought Lavinia. To which she had replied that she was happy to see him happy. In his head Matthew just thought, "but you make me happy."
"I loved meeting Albert today. He is such a sweet little fellow."
"Yes, he does bring happiness wherever he goes. Mama and Papa are enraptured by him, such a different upbringing than the rest of us girls had."
Matthew looked at her thoughtfully, he had to ask her what she had meant when they were speaking before the concert, before Lavinia interrupted. But first he had to find out if she was courting anyone else.
"Would it be bold if I asked you if you were seeing anyone if you are thinking of marriage with anyone?"
Mary was a bit shocked he would be so blunt, but she answered truthfully anyway.
"Matthew, War has taken most men our age to the front or worse to the grave. Though I have met someone in London who is a bit older, who I might consider settling with, he does seem very keen. Though I don't know if he is genuinely interested in me, or in what my title would bring to legitimize his rise in society."
Matthew did not know whether to be relieved or disappointed. She was not engaged, but she was considering someone. And then he said it. He said it in a whisper, so others could not hear it. But he said it.
"I was genuinely interested in you, and not for your title."
It was out of his mouth before he had even considered what he was saying. Mary stifled her gasp and looked at him sharply and spoke in a very low voice.
"Matthew, this is hardly the time or the place. Besides, clearly you have moved on, as evidenced by the delightful young woman at our table."
His magnetic blue eyes bored into her soul. She was not going to be able to keep her mask on much longer if he kept looking at her like that after what he just said.
"Your right of course, but I can't help but wonder."
Mary's throat constricted and her grip on her glass tightened. What was he saying? What was he doing? He had left her, with never a word or a letter and now he had brought a fiancé to Downton. And then he continued.
"Mary, I think we need to talk privately. I agree the dinner table is not the right time or place. Could you spare some time for me before I return to the front? I only have two days more and then I leave."
Mary swallowed hard. What was the point? He was engaged, his fiancé was sitting just further down the table.
"Matthew, you have brought your future bride here, I would think you would be spending all your time with her and your mother of course."
"Your right of course. I'm sorry, I spoke out of turn. Forgive me."
That was what he said, but what his heart was screaming was "Please Mary, I understand what you are saying, but I think we must. To know the truth of your heart, even if it does not agree with your head." But he did not say it. He kept it in his heart, a heart that she had broken two years ago when she could not commit to him when the inheritance was in doubt. He guessed now that he surely would not inherit, there was no point in knowing her heart. She made all decisions with her head.
Mary's head was spinning as she kept her mask in place. What did he mean that he needed to speak to her? Did he really want to re-hash it all? Or was he having second thoughts now that he had seen her again, even with a fiancé at the table. She had shut him down too quickly, she should have given him a chance, she should have agreed to meet him, even if the whole thing was absurd. She had promised that if he ever came back, she would tell him that she loved him, that she wanted him, heir or not. But now with him having committed to another, could she still do that? Even though he seemed like he really did want to speak to her. Was he doing this because he still loved her? Or was he doing this because he wanted her to know that it was too late. He had sent her mixed signals all evening.
"Matthew there is nothing to forgive. If you find yourself with an extra few minutes, I would be happy to see you. I meant what I said earlier, we are at peace."
If anyone had noticed their tete' a tete', they did not call attention to it and they both joined the greater dinner conversation.
Later as Lavinia waited by the door with Carson for Matthew, she stared at them again. Mary was walking Matthew out to the door. They were engrossed in a bit of conversation. It took all of Lavinia's willpower not to march right over there and call them out on it. No, she would have to bide her time, ask careful questions to both Matthew and Isobel and other members of the family. The next two days she would spend with Matthew, but she would use the rest of her time in Yorkshire gathering information on Mary Crawley, her relationship with Matthew, and the birth of Albert Crawley.
A/N – Thank you for all your great reviews and for following and favoriting this story. I know this is perhaps not what you expected, but I hope you are enjoying it and will keep reviewing and letting me know if I should continue.