Chapter 6 – In the Trenches

Matthew sat under the light of a candle in the trench. It had been a few weeks since he had been home at Downton. A few weeks since he had asked Lavinia to marry him and she had said yes. Something Mary had never said to him. He had thought at the time that Mary could not answer because she could not agree to marry him unless he was the heir; a person of stature and aristocratic importance. Yet she had cried as he walked away from her at that garden party and she had stared longingly at him when her father had announced the war. At the time it had taken every bit of strength he had not to run over to her and take back what he had said under the tree. To tell her that he would wait for her forever and if she wanted to wait till the baby was born to make her decision, then he would. He had wanted to go to war knowing there was a girl at home waiting for him, a reason for him to live. War changes things and at that moment he just wanted Mary under any circumstance.

But he stopped himself for two reasons; firstly, he still had his pride and she had refused to commit to him and secondly it was better for Mary to be free of him if he died in battle. So, he had gone off to training without seeing her again and he had left for France without speaking to her again. He focused on defeating the Germans; fighting for king and country. He had gained favor with his troops; they liked his no nonsense attitude and the fact that he was not stuck up as so many of his fellow officers who were of aristocratic birth. Well he was not of aristocratic birth and he was never going to be. Albert's birth had assured that and now Albert was the heir to the earldom and the estate.

Had Matthew never been to Downton, he would have been happy his whole life being a solicitor from Manchester. Perhaps he would have chased his dreams and tried to become Lord Chancellor, but that would still be years in the future. He would have settled down with a nice girl, a nice girl like Lavinia and he would be totally happy in his middle-class existence. Upper Middle Class if he followed what his mother said.

Two years at Downton, two years of getting to know Mary ending in a whirlwind courtship before ending that terrible day in august. If he really thought about it, it had been the best two years of his life. Every day he saw Mary it made him feel alive. Every time he bantered with her it gave him purpose to life. And when he had kissed her that May evening after Sybil's concussion, or had she kissed him? He thought they rather connected at the same time. Well when they kissed it had been electric, better than he could have possibly imagined in all the times he had fantasized about. And he had fantasized about it for at least a year and probably from the moment she swooped into Crawley House in her riding habit. It really had been love at first sight for him.

These thoughts had kept him warm in the trenches for two years. Instead of focusing on the pain of their breakup and her refusal to commit him, Matthew had luxuriated in the memories of falling in love with Mary and of their stolen kisses. Kisses that they had stolen with every opportunity; every corner of Downton; every time they walked in London; behind every balustrade in Grantham house and at every ball they attended during Sybil's season. And he would lay down and close his eyes and remember the night of Sybil's ball.

Sybil's ball where they had danced as many dances together as was socially acceptable and then more with Cora's disapproval. Sybil's ball where they had stolen away to a private balcony overlooking the city and kissed so deeply that neither once could catch their breath. Sybil's ball where he had whispered in Mary's ear how much he loved her. Sybil's ball when Mary had nodded and smiled and whispered in his ear "me too." Sybil's ball where they had almost been caught heavily making out in the Library. And Sybil's ball when Mary had told him, she would give him an answer to his proposal when she returned from London and that she was sure he was going to be happy with her answer.

And then there was that night after everyone had gone to bed drunk and tired after Sybil's ball and Matthew had been catching up on a brief when Mary had suddenly appeared in Grantham House's drawing room. She had a sparkle in her eye, and she was still a bit drunk from all the champagne they had shared. They were both in their night clothes and dressing gowns. Her hair was long and plaited, and he had never seen such a vision. She had seemed like she had wanted to tell him something, but she had held back.

They had winded up sitting together on the settee and things had quickly become passionate. He had leaned her back and was lying on top of her as they kissed with the greatest intensity. He had been quickly losing all rational thought and Mary had been doing nothing to stop him. He had been on fire and he had started opening her dressing gown. She had pulled away for a moment and stared intensely into his eyes with want and need. He knew she was mirroring his own lust. Soon her dressing gown was on the floor and so was his and she had begun to unbutton his shirt and he had been pulling down the straps of her night gown when they had accidentally knocked down a glass and it broke. This had brought him back to his senses and he had apologized to Mary for letting it get so far.

They had both been breathing heavily as they put themselves back to rights. Mary had hugged him and reassured him that she had wanted him as much as he wanted her. But Matthew, honorable gentleman that he was would not allow them to continue down this slope. He had put both his hands on her cheeks and told her that they would save this for their marriage if she would still have him. There was a funny look that had crossed her eyes at that time, but he had not thought anything of it at the time. She had merely nodded her head and winked at him and said they would celebrate when she returned from London.

These thoughts kept Matthew warm on all the cold nights and cool on all the hot nights. He loved to think about it so much, he almost forgot what had happened when she returned to Downton, and he had held the diamond ring in his pocket; the ring he had purchased the morning after Sybil's ball, so sure he was that they would be engaged when she returned to Downton. He had to stop thinking about it, Mary would never marry him now that he was no longer the heir. So many times, he had regretted that he had been so honorable that night after Sybil's ball. He should have given into their mutual desires and then she would have had to marry him regardless of his status. They could have announced their engagement the next day and insisted on a short engagement. They could have been married before the war, before Albert was born.

Matthew realized he was being delusional. If that had happened, Mary would have felt trapped in a marriage to him. She would not have been happy being forced into a marriage because they had been intimate and then him winding up not being the heir. No things had worked out the way they were supposed to, and he needed to stop dwelling on it. He had moved on and he had met sweet lovely Lavinia and she had said yes, and they were going to be married.

Yet the pull of Mary still tugged at his heart. Mathew held Mary's letter in his hands. She had written to him as he had asked. He wondered if the letter would contain what he had quickly asked of her when they had parted at the station. He had thought a lot about that meeting since returning to the front. The visit had gone very well. Though Mother was not as welcoming to Lavinia as he had hoped she would be, insisting they not rush into anything since it was very sudden that they had met and gotten engaged, everyone else seemed to be welcoming. And he had connected with Mary again. She had been very warm and welcoming to him, asking polite questions and introducing him to Albert. Albert really was such a sweet boy; one could not regret his birth.

She had been welcoming up to a point. Matthew thought about how he had pushed her at dinner to meet privately. He did not know what had gotten into him. She was being friendly; they were friends again. He had brought home a fiancé. He had no right to ask her to meet with him. And then at the train station again, he had been swept up in the drama of their parting and had asked her to write what was in her heart.

Matthew carefully unsealed the envelope and took out the letter. A familiar scent filled the air. Oh, he knew that scent. It had filled his nostrils as he had kissed her neck all those years ago. He had dreamt of that scent and here it was emerging from the envelope as if Mary herself was there. He carefully unfolded the paper that was full of her beautiful hand. Matthew smiled as he started to read her words.

Dear "Cousin" Matthew,

How are you? I hope you are warm and in good health. I was so relieved when you returned home last week, and I could see for myself that you were still in one piece.

Things at Downton have been quiet. Quiet as opposed to what you are probably experiencing. As you saw we have very few male servants as they are all off to war and the house is filled with maids, some of whom should probably never work in a great house. Carson seems to be overworking himself trying to do all the serving since he would never let a maid in the dining room.

Sybil has left for her nursing course in York. You should have seen Mama when she left, acting all American as Sybil was the first one to leave the nest. Never mind that I have already travelled to the continent and spent many a week on my own in London. But I guess I have never done anything that was away from the family or a family home. After the war I will have to correct that. Sybil has written that she is working hard but she is enjoying it. You would be very proud of her; she seems to have adopted your middle-class ethics.

As you know Edith learned to drive and it seems she really is ready for the road. Though I don't think I will ever get in a car with her. She is now volunteering on a farm driving a tractor. It makes her happy and keeps her out of trouble. Or at least I hope so. Edith can be so terribly tiresome when she is either bored or trying to make trouble.

Papa had a huge disappointment. He thought that he was going to be properly back in the army but in the end, they just wanted him to fill a ceremonial post. Mama and I are very relieved. He should not be in the trenches at his age and if we lost him, Albert would never know his Papa and would have to be earl at the age of two. Papa is rather upset and feels useless. I have encouraged him to try to get a role recruiting soldiers or training them. Then he could be part of the effort and not be in danger.

Mama is still obsessed over getting me married off. You would think with a war going on she would at least put it on hold, but alas she is encouraging me to invite the gentleman I met in London to our home. I told her I would have to think it over. I'm not quite ready for that.

Lavinia stayed for a few days after your departure and we all had tea together. I'm afraid Albert joined the party and was perhaps a bit too friendly to her as she did not seem comfortable having him on her lap. But I don't blame her since if he was not my brother, I probably would have been quite horrified. I hope we did not make her too uncomfortable and that she will return when she visits your mother.

Your mother is very busy at the hospital. I don't think I have ever seen her so happy and fulfilled the whole time she has been living here. Surely butting heads with granny gives her pleasure, but she is now occupied in a real way and I am happy for her. Perhaps I will follow Sybil and seek something real to contribute to this war as well. I will have to see.

Albert continues to be the only bright spot in a dark time. Nanny is wonderful, but she has almost no control over him. We don't scold her because we don't think anyone could keep Albert in one place. He loves to explore. He runs out of the nursery so quickly and I often find him in my room going through my draws. In fact, I found a pile of my old letters and diaries the other day on the floor. A sure sign that he had been there. Edith hates when he does it in her room. (as if she has anything truly to discover there). Sybil and I don't mind as much. However, I have decided to move my important items and replace them with stuffed bears so he can play with them when he wanders into my room.

He is such a happy boy and he brightens up Papa while he is upset and brings a smile to Mama whenever she sees him. Even Granny loves to play with him. I don't ever remember her playing with us at tea. Grandpapa would play with us at tea, but Granny just sat and spoke to us. Lovingly of course. But she plays with Albert. So, I suppose Albert is a change agent for everything. If only he could resolve this war.

I often think back to happier times. When my biggest problem was who Mama would seat near me at dinner. I now dream of salty pudding dinners and throwing balls at village fairs.

As we parted you asked something of me. I find that I cannot do what you asked in a letter. I am happy to write to you and would love to hear back from you. However, if you really want to know what you whispered to me as you ran to board the train, it will have to wait till you visit with us again. Perhaps then.

I end this letter wishing you such good luck. Keep warm, keep safe. We all miss you and await your return.

Your affectionate "cousin"

Mary

Matthew folded the letter and placed it back in the envelope. It had been full of news and good cheer. She was his friend again and he could not be more grateful. Anything beyond that would have to wait for when they met again. He felt relieved and he felt happy. And he enjoyed inhaling her scent. He wondered if she had done that on purpose. If including her scent in her letter was a silent message to him. He hid the letter inside his coat pocket and then took out the latest letter from Lavinia.

She wrote him almost every day. It was nice of her, but the content was somewhat repetitive, and she kept expressing her love, which should have brightened him, but for some reason it was now creating a knot of guilt in his stomach. He tried to push it away. He should take joy in her letters and look forward to seeing her again.

Matthew sat at his desk and tried to gather his thoughts and decide what he would write to Mary.

A/N – I know you all wanted to find out what would happen with Richard and Lavinia, so I apologize that I have not revealed that quite yet. Even so I hope you enjoyed this chapter of Matthew immersing himself with memories of his courtship with Mary.

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