Angela Chase had once believed her life had been a test. These past few years had highlighted that more than ever. She'd have been overjoyed if someone could just send her those instructions of where to go and what to do. But if high school and college had been hard, she still hadn't been prepared for what followed after and everything adulthood was going to throw at her.
It was early fall, the trees were just starting to catch the cool in the air, their leaves tinging with yellows, and New York was setting up for its best look of the year. Angela had lived in New York for four years, and she was still not over the beauty of New York in the fall.
Currently, she was in Brian Krakow's penthouse apartment. She loved it up there. Though the view was extravagant: Central Park, down to the Hudson, his décor was simple and minimalistic. Clean lines and contemporary designs. He'd obviously paid someone a lot of money to ensure there were no mismatched wallpaper seams slowly destroying him. His personality still peeked through though. Old movie posters and photography from all the various places he'd visited hung in frames around his stark white walls. Haiti, Vietnam, Africa, Thailand, India, just to name a few. Brian funded a lot of aid programs and was often one of the first on the ground.
Angela had a print from one of his first trips on her dresser: a Sudanese mother holding her child to her chest, her gaze intense and fierce. A lioness with a cub. That mother reminded Angela every day to do better.
"Stop it, Krakow!" Angela breathed in between peals of giggles.
She was on his bed. Angela had been trying to collect her clothes from where they were strewn amongst the sheets. She was running late but Brian had taken one look at her bare stomach and couldn't resist.
"Not so fast, Chase!" Brian laughed, pulling her down.
"No really…Brian…stoooop!" she squealed. He was making her laugh so hard she was almost hyperventilating. Brian finally relented, grinning, and pulled her into his arms.
"I like having you here," he said, pressing a kiss to her temple.
Angela pulled away to look at him. "Mmhm, I think you definitely proved that today."
Brian shook his head. "I mean…of course that part was amazing. But I meant, like, in my life." His blue eyes were so tender it made Angela's breath hitch in her throat. She kissed him softly and felt Brian smile into the kiss. He wrapped his arms around her and deepened it, pulling her down again. Angela couldn't help the soft moan that escaped her but she pulled away.
"I can't Brian. I really have to leave soon to —"
"Yeah, I know," Brian murmured, brushing her hair away from her face.
Brian Krakow, the awkward boy who had lived across the street from her. She had known him since she was four years old. His once unruly blond curls were now short and neatly trimmed, bringing out his gentle blue eyes and now more defined jawline. His body was filled out and defined and, thanks to his almost daily sessions with his personal trainer, Gunther, Angela could count and trace each of his abs with her fingertips. Growing up, she'd never seen him as anything more than a friend and an annoying one at that. They would constantly fight and bicker. Like siblings. She had never seen him as anything else.
Until 3 months ago. They were at Ricky and Corey's place for their weekly game of Dungeons and Dragons. They'd played late into the night, mostly because Corey had somehow lost all their gear down a well, and there'd been a lot of drinks involved. Brian insisted on bringing Angela home after. He'd even walked her up to her apartment. Which was kind but strange — Angela was used to walking herself home. He'd been looking at her all night like he wanted to tell her something, but Angela had ignored it. She invited him in more out of politeness than anything else though what happened next was anything but polite.
She shut the door to her apartment. Brian fidgeted with his watch.
"Do you want something to drink?"
He shook his head.
"What is it, Krakow?"
Brian took a deep breath, running his hand through his hair. "So…umm…I've been thinking…what I mean to say is…uh…I can't…see the thing is—"
Angela smiled to herself. "God. Pick a sentence and go with it, Krakow."
His eyes landed on her. "I can't stop thinking about you. I think that you're beautiful and amazing and I know that you're not like looking for anything serious considering you're…um…situation, but I want to…no I need to…"
Angela's eyes widened.
"Oh, fuck it," Brian muttered. He strode over to Angela, pulled her into his arms and kissed her. Angela was shocked. Brian Krakow was, like, actually kissing her and it actually felt…good. She hadn't been with anyone in so long and it felt so good to be held again. To be kissed again.
"Wow," Angela breathed.
Brian smiled at her sheepishly. "You know, we can take it slow right? I would never want to…like…. pressure you or anything but I just needed to let you know how I feel."
They had slept together that night. It hadn't lasted long. Brian had been embarrassed and had even apologized to her. But he had definitely redeemed himself in the second round. They'd started seeing each other. Angela made it very clear that she wasn't ready for anything serious or exclusive. Her last relationship had lasted seven years. It hadn't ended well. Brian had been very understanding.
Brian Krakow. No longer the awkward boy across the street. No. Now he was a wildly successful tech entrepreneur and owned his own company. He had been on the cover of Forbes magazine. He was obscenely rich and, according to numerous Buzzfeed polls, quite bangable. He could have his pick of women. Yet, he wanted her.
Angela found her top and skirt. Brian was still on the bed, watching her with a soft smile.
"God, Krakow, stop staring at me like that!"
"Why? You're so beautiful it would be a crime to like…let it go to waste." The corners of his mouth were twitching into a smile.
Angela rolled her eyes. "Brian, you've been with some of the most beautiful women in the world…I mean, the last one, what was her name? Svetlana? She was gorgeous and the other one…. she was—"
"Yeah so? None of them were you. They're not who I wanted. Not really," he said solemnly, humour gone from his face.
"Mmhm, I bet you say that all the girls," Angela said playfully, trying to make light of the situation. The air between them was growing serious again and Angela wasn't ready to take it there. Not yet anyways.
"I've never said that to anyone," he said softly.
Angela could tell that he meant it. She smiled at him. "Oh, so you never told me how your meeting went." Brian had told her that he was meeting with a big-time overseas investor earlier in the day.
"It went really well. I'm actually gonna be flying to China the day after tomorrow to finalize the rest of the deal. I'll be gone for almost three weeks and a half weeks."
"Oh, that's amazing, Brian!" Angela said, squeezing his arm.
"Yeah, um…thanks." Brian glanced at her hand. He cleared his throat and took a deep breath. "Look, Angela, I really think we need to talk."
Angela looked at him, a small frown on her face. She knew what was coming. She had been trying to avoid it.
"See…I know that you don't want to get into anything too serious because of um….you know—"
She tucked her hair behind her ear, and bit her lip, steeling herself.
Brian huffed out a breath, "Look, you know how I feel about you. I've wanted to give you space but I really think that we need to have a serious conversation about this…us. I mean it's been three months and—"
"Brian…I don't know if we should get into all of this right now," Angela said gently. "It's just that I don't have much time now, I have to—"
Brian sighed. "I know, you have to go." He looked at her closely. Angela could practically see the screws turning in his brilliant brain. "What about when I get back from China then? Maybe it will be good for you to have some…space….to really think about things and figure out what you want."
Angela smiled at him and touched his cheek. She leaned over and kissed him softly on the lips. One thing about Brian Krakow, he never pushed her to do anything that she didn't want to do. She knew that he would rather take out his left eye than do anything to hurt her.
"Thanks for understanding," she said, pulling away from him.
"Not so fast, Chase." Brian cupped her face in his hands and leaned in, giving her a long lingering kiss. Angela could feel just how much Brian cared about her in that kiss. She put her arms around his neck and returned the kiss with a sigh. Who knew that Brian Krakow would turn out to be like this? She never would have seen this coming. He was practically perfect. She should be over the moon to be with someone like him…to be with him. So what was stopping her?
She finished getting ready in the restroom. She closed the door and stared at herself in the mirror. What was stopping her?Rickie had practically hired a marching band and thrown confetti when she told him what had happened with her and Brian. But if she was gonna be all in then she needed to be all in. And that included the small part of her heart that she kept tucked away. Was she ready to let him in? Brian was right. Some time away from each other would be good for them. She needed to clear her head and think about what she really wanted.
Brian was finishing on the phone when she came back into the bedroom. Already fully dressed in a navy suit, a crisp white shirt, and a burgundy paisley silk tie that Rickie had gifted him. He looked every inch the successful business tycoon that he was. God, he looks good. He saw her and smiled, oblivious to how she had been checking him out.
"Hey, you all set then?" he asked, making his way to her and pulling her into a hug
"Yeah, just about. You look nice."
Brian shrugged. "Thanks. I gotta go back to the office, take care of a few more things before I leave." His tone was light, but he was looking at her closely.
"What?" Angela asked.
Brian shook his head. "Nothing, just that…I'll miss you when I'm away, Chase."
"I'm gonna miss you too, Krakow."
She glanced at her watch again. "Oh god! I'm sorry, Brian, but I really have to go. Getting a cab now is gonna be a nightmare and—"
"Already took care of that. I called downstairs and there's a cab waiting for you," he said smoothly.
Angela beamed at him. Hot, rich, and considerate. What more could a girl ask for?
"You're so good to me, you know that?"
Brian smirked at her. "Just don't go falling in love with anyone else while I'm away ok?"
Angela rolled her eyes.
He leaned down and kissed her so deeply she could feel it all the way in her toes. He pulled away and she looked up at him slightly dazed.
"Alright, I'll see you tomorrow then. Text me when you get home."
The cab was already waiting for her when Angela made her way downstairs. Loud heavy metal music emanated from it as she approached. The cab driver was rocking out to it, obviously a fan.
"Where to Miss?" He had a thick Brooklyn accent. Angela gave him the address.
The music was almost welcome for the first few streets. The volume and chaos gave her no space to think. But soon she was wincing and rubbing her temple. The loud music grating on her nerves.
"Excuse me, sir. Can you please change the station?"
"Yeah, no problem, sweetie. Wacha wanna hear?"
"Umm…anything else really." God please, anything other than this. The cab driver shrugged and changed the station.
Angela froze. All the air in the cab was sucked away as the opening melody of a Counting Crows song filled her ears. No. Not this. Not now. She didn't need this trip down memory lane on top of everything else. She did her best to swallow against her dry throat and blink away the sting in her eyes. But it was no use. This was their song.
Jordan Catalano.
She had been in the kitchen cooking dinner. Jordan had just gotten off work and was in the shower. This was before his band had been discovered. When they'd shared that crappy one-bed walkup and they fit their lives around each other. Angela was making him lasagna, his favourite dish. He'd already gone on about the sweet smell of it when he'd walked in the door. The radio was on, permanently tuned to the only station they agreed on. She hadn't noticed the song as she checked the oven. But it creeped in as she surveyed the mess of dishes she'd created and felt his arms wrap around her. He sang the words in her ear, "Pull me out from inside...I am ready…I am ready…I am ready….I am…."
She laughed as he twirled her around. He was smiling but his expression quickly turned serious. He caressed her cheek and whispered, "I love you so fucken much, Ange." He held her tight and breathed her in. His warmth and scent surrounded her. Fresh soap and breath mints. They slow danced in the kitchen, arms wrapped around each other, foreheads touching, swaying to the melancholy notes. Dinner had been forgotten and they had spent the rest of the night in bed.
She could still feel his hands on her, his breath on her face. His eyes, so soft and filled with such tenderness. God those eyes. Jordan's crystal blue eyes could sometimes tell her everything without saying a word. She loved that about him, that underneath that tough and guarded exterior, there was another side that no one else got to see. But she had. He had let her.
Counting Crows changed to The Macarena and Angela was jarred out of her thoughts. She dug her nails into the palms of her hands so hard it marked. Jordan was no longer in her life. He hadn't been for four years. Angela shook her head. She needed to let it go. This was her life now. She sighed heavily. Letting him go was one thing. But forgetting about him, that was impossible. She would always have a part of him with her.
"Hey, sweetie, we're here," the cab driver said cheerfully.
Angela took a few more deep breaths and made her way to the classroom. The door was already opened, and Angela peeked her head inside and caught the eyes of the pretty young teacher.
"Hello, Ms. Chase," the teacher said cheerfully.
"Is he ready?" Angela asked, smiling brightly.
"He's just finishing up a drawing but yes he's good to go."
Angela's eyes cut to—
"Mommy!"
Angela kneeled down. She laughed as her son launched himself at her. He threw his arms around her neck and hugged her tightly.
"I missed you, mom."
Angela kissed the top of his head. "I missed you too, Jay." She set him down on the floor. "Ok, go get your things now. We're going home. I need to get dinner started."
Jay rubbed his belly. "I sooooo hungry! What you making, mommy?"
"I'm making your favourite, honey," she said, her voice still a bit spaced out. "Spaghetti and meatballs."
Jay pouted and folded his arms. "No, I no want that…I want pancakes."
"Pancakes are for breakfast. Not dinner."
Jay's pout grew and he raised his chin defiantly. "But I no want spaghetti! I want pancakes!" he huffed.
Angela bit back a laugh. God, he was stubborn. "How about I call Uncle Rickie and Uncle Corey to see if they want to come over for dinner? Would you like that?"
Jay loved Rickie and Corey.
Jay giggled and clapped his hands together. "Uncle Rickie, Uncle Corey come over and play with me?!"
"Maybe we'll see. If you're good." Angela smiled at her little boy tenderly, brushing his dark brown hair away from his brow.
"I'll be good mommy, I promise," Jay grinned at her, his big blue eyes shining. Angela sucked a breath in, struck by how beautiful he was.
He was starting to look more like his father every day.