Chapter 8 – Matthew's return to Downton

Mary was so excited. Matthew was coming back to Yorkshire and not just on a few days leave. He was assigned to a General to help with recruitment. He would be in England for several months. She could finally breathe easy; Matthew would be safe. She was relieved and happy, and she looked forward to seeing him, but she also realized that now she would have to contemplate if she would tell him what was in her heart. Matthew, even though he was engaged to Lavinia, had asked her all those months ago to tell her what was in her heart and she had told him in her first letter that she would not do that in prose but would consider when they saw each other again.

Now they would be seeing each other again. Would Lavinia be with him the whole time he was here at Downton? Would they have any time alone together to really talk? Would she be able to keep her promise to herself that given the chance she would tell him the truth? She would tell him how much she loved him. She would tell him that she had been a fool when she had not said yes to him. That it did not matter that he was no longer the heir. That the real reason she did not accept was the specter of Pamuk. She did not know if she could do it, not when he could be happy with Lavinia.

Mary picked up Matthew's letter again and read it.

Dear Mary,

Your letters have brightened my days and nights. As I read them, I can see you raising your eyebrows at what is going on at the Abbey. Oh, how I long for a time when my biggest challenge was that I did not want to use a valet or when I told mother that we did not require a butler. Downton was not going to change me. But it did change me and now I miss it terribly. And this is where I have good news to share.

In several weeks' time I will be back in England for a recruitment drive. General Strut has requested my assistance in rallying the troops to volunteer for service in Yorkshire and Lancashire since I am now from both Manchester and Downton. I expect to be in England for several months and while I won't be able to stay in Downton, I hope I will be able to visit frequently. I have been promised a promotion to Captain when I return to the front. So good news all around.

I'm not sure when I will be in Downton, but I will let you know, and I hope we will find some time to catch up in person.

I must end this letter as duty calls.

Fondly,

Matthew

Mary held the letter to her heart. Matthew would be home soon, and he would be safe, at least for a few months. She breathed easier. Then she picked up the next pile of letters. They were from Sir Richard Carlisle. His letters had beckoned her to visit him in London and on one occasion she had. He was certainly an interesting man. She supposed in a world without Matthew, they might have done very well together. He was very ambitious. He was very wealthy and powerful. He even said he wanted to buy a country estate in Yorkshire. She could be queen of her own county with him. He was certainly very interested in her. His latest letters were full of how he wanted to visit her in Downton and meet her family. He had all but invited himself to stay.

With Matthew coming home, Mary did not really want to see Richard. She would have to see what happened when she saw him next. If nothing changed and he remained engaged to Lavinia, perhaps Mary would consider inviting Sir Richard and entertaining the prospect of being his wife. She could still have a life even if she could not have Matthew. She would let Matthew make the first move. If he held off on inviting Lavinia do Downton, she would tell him what was in her heart. If Lavinia was in Downton as soon as Matthew was, she would know that Matthew wanted to move forward with Lavinia, and she would accept it and move forward on her own.

Mary would have to put Sir Richard off again. At least for a while. So, she sat down and penned a letter to him, thanking him for his letters and letting him know that she was busy with the house and charitable drives for the war effort but that when things quieted down, she would write again. There it was no commitment but no enthusiasm. She hoped he would accept it. When she had been in London, he had been very keen.

A-A-A-A-A-A

Matthew stepped off the train in Downton. He had been back in England now for a week, but he had been stationed with General Strut formatting a plan for the recruitment drive. He had not let his mother know that he was coming. She knew he was coming back to England but not that he would be arriving in Downton. He had also let Lavinia know that he would be back in England, but he had not provided her with any details and simply told her that he would be in touch when he could come to London to see her. He had purposefully not invited her to Downton. He needed some time to think without her exuberant hovering presence at his side.

As the months had gone on her letters though cheerful, had begun to get a bit clingy. He supposed that what she wrote was normal and letting him know how much she missed him. And it was good of her. But for some reason her constant writing and asking if he needed socks or what he could share with her was grating on his nerves. In turn, he wrote to her less frequently and the letters were short and to the point. Maybe he would feel different when he saw her. And he would either go to London at some point or would invite her here the next time he was able to visit Downton. But for now, he wanted to be here alone. Well not really alone, he wanted to see his mother and he wanted to see Mary.

Mary, whose letters had cheered him to no end. Mary who did not write of what he asked but had filed her letters with interesting conversation and challenged him even in her letters. When he read her prose, it was as if he was sitting with her again and they were having a spirited debate. Lord he missed her. He was so glad they were friends again. But now that he was back in England, he hoped she would clarify what she alluded to almost a year ago when he was last home. He still had her dog in his pocket, and he could still feel her kiss on his cheek from her surprise farewell to him at the train station.

He knew he was not in the position to demand an answer, after all he was engaged to be married to Lavinia. But in Matthew's mind if Mary was at all open to being with him, he would make the painful decision to break with Lavinia. It would be difficult, but he would do it. War has a way of making it clear what was important. Lavinia was young she would find someone else. But first he had to know how Mary felt. He would go find her at the abbey after he saw his mother at Crawley House.

Matthew knocked on his own door and was excitedly greeted by Molesley.

"Lieutenant Crawley. It is so nice to see you; your mother did not tell me to expect you."

"That is because she did not know. I wanted to surprise her. Is she home?"

"I'm afraid not she is at the hospital. It has been very busy there taking care of wounded officers. She comes home late every night, eating on a tray and then she leaves right after breakfast in the morning."

Matthew knew his mother was working hard but he had no idea how much the war was impacting Downton. Mary had alluded to it in her letters, but it just struck him now.

"Very well I am going to leave her to her work. Perhaps I can bring her dinner this evening if she does not arrive home."

"Do you want me to go down and let her know you have returned? I'm sure she would want to know."

Matthew thought for a moment and decided he would rather go straight to Mary and see his mother later.

"Let Mrs. Crawley do her good work; I will see her this evening. I'm going to bathe and change and then I have some other errands to tend to."

Molesley nodded and went about preparing things for his master. He was very happy that Mr. Crawley was home.

A-A-A-A-A-A-A

After a bath and a meal, Matthew felt full of energy. He put on one of his suits instead of his uniform. He knew he was expected to wear his uniform at all times and truthfully, he was running a risk of being accused of being a coward by extremists that felt that everyone should be at war. Since running to volunteer, Matthew knew that was not fair to those who did not. He was not sorry he did it, but war was not glamorous as it was made out to be. It was horrible and humbling and the only good thing about it was that it had started to show him what was important.

He walked through the village and was heading toward the abbey when he spotted Mary walking by herself heading toward the post office. She did not see him, but he stood back and just observed her. She was breathtaking. She was wearing a simple day dress and hat, but she took his breath away similar to the way she did when she had first stridden into Crawley house and he had made a fool of himself. She hurried into the post office before she saw him and Matthew decided to wait for her to emerge.

Mary finished posting her letter to Matthew. She did not know when he would receive it. She knew he was back in England, but not when he was returning to Downton. She hoped by sending it to central army, he would eventually receive the letter. She had also posted a letter to Sir Richard in which she continued to be cordial but could not host him at Downton just yet. She hoped it would keep him at bay. He did not have the same values she had grown up. She hoped he would not push it further. As she walked out of the post office, she looked forward and stopped in her tracks. She thought perhaps she was seeing a mirage. There across the way stood Matthew, or it looked like him, though he was dressed in a regular day suit and not a uniform.

Mary blinked again and shook her head. She must be dreaming. But then "mirage" Matthew started walking toward her and she knew it was not a dream. It took every ounce of self-control she had not to run to him and throw herself in his arms. But as she walked toward him, she could not contain her smile and then he smiled back at her so widely.

"I did not know you were back in Downton. Why did you not let us know?"

Matthew grinned.

"I was not sure until the last minute that I would be coming today, and I do love the element of surprise."

Mary breathed in a deep breath trying to contain her smile.

"Does Isobel know your home?"

"Mother is at the hospital. I'm going to surprise her when she gets home this evening. I was actually on my way to visit with you when I spotted you going into the post office."

Mary's heart started to thunder. He was coming to see her, before he saw his mother. Where was Lavinia? Should she ask? She was not sure. She did not think she could find the words to speak. She desperately wanted to say something witty.

Matthew did not think he had ever seen Mary speechless before.

"Mary, is it ok if I visit with you? I don't want to act out of turn."

Mary breathed out the breath she did not realize she was holding.

"Of course, you can visit, and I'm sure the rest of the family would love to see you as well. You must see Albert. He has grown so much since you were here last. He is a bit fuller in his face and his blonde hair is longer and as usual he has Nanny and the rest of us running after him. Though you must see how Papa is with him. Papa is a wonderful father to us, but I guess it is something special for him to have a son of his own."

Matthew winced a bit. He thought of Robert as a father figure as well and he did not realize that he still had some misplaced jealousy when it came to Albert. Though he was sure as soon as he saw the boy it would dissipate just as it did the last time. Mary wanted him to visit with everyone, but he wanted to see her alone. They needed to talk, he needed to know what was in her heart.

"It would be wonderful to see Albert and the family. But I don't want Mother thinking I saved her for last. And I was hoping we could spend some time together catching up before we have a big family dinner."

Mary knew what he wanted so she had to ask him the more important question first.

"Will Lavinia be joining you here at Downton?"

Matthew swallowed. It was a reasonable question and it was a telling one. Mary clearly wanted to know where things stood before she would open to him.

"No, I have not told her that I am here. At some point I will go see her in London. Though that will depend on many things."

Mary breathed out a breath. Well at least Lavinia would not be here on his current stay. Matthew looked at her sincerely.

"Do you have plans for this afternoon, or might you have time to walk with a solider masquerading as a solicitor?"

Mary smiled.

"I did wonder why you were not in uniform. Though seeing you like this makes me forget for a moment that there is a war going on. I'm free until tea and then I plan to spend some time with Albert."

Matthew smiled back and boldly extended his arm.

"Shall we?"

Mary raised an eyebrow but placed her arm in his and walked beside him heading away from the village.

They walked in step with each other and conversation began to flow. Mary caught him up on Albert's latest antics and Edith's tractor driving and Sybil's nursing. Matthew in turn told Mary all about the recruitment drive and the places he would be visiting. How he missed his men and did not know who would still be there when he got back. Mary had looked at him in empathy. Walking and talking with him now, war seemed so far away, but Matthew having served in the trenches would of course be haunted by it.

Soon they reached a bench, well their bench to be sure, under the large tree. A tree and a bench that had seen so much of their relationship and history. Mary pondered why Matthew had chosen this place to sit and rest, as a destination. It was private enough, they could not be seen from the house, but its history surely haunted them both. And then she wondered if it really did haunt him as well. As they sat beside each other they both fell silent until Matthew cleared his throat.

"At the train station, when you so kindly came to see me off. And I do still have your good lucky dog, she is always in my pocket when I am at the front."

At this Mary smiled. That made her happy. But Matthew continued.

"As I had to board the train, I was perhaps unfair to you asking to write to me what was in your heart. But I find that I am going to be unfair again, and ask you, now that we are sitting together face to face. Can you tell me what is in your heart even if you are still ruled by your head?"

Mary gave him a small smile and took a deep breath. She knew he would be asking this.

"It was perhaps a bit unfair, though I know as a Lawyer how you long for the truth."

She paused and raised an eyebrow at him.

"And it is a bit unfair that you are asking me again now, when another girl in London still wears your engagement ring. What do you expect me to say Matthew?"

Matthew knew she was right. He was asking her to be straight with him when he was not himself.

"I don't expect anything. I can only hope. And your right I'm still engaged to Lavinia, and if you say to me that you still feel nothing for me. That you never felt anything for me other than being a ticket to being countess, then I will leave you be and I will travel to London to see Lavinia and I will plan the rest of my life with her if I am lucky to survive this war."

Mary was shaken inside. Did he really think that was all she had felt for him? This was the moment. She had promised herself that if she would see him again after he had gone off to war, that she would tell him the truth. And he was asking her, he wanted to know, and apparently for more than closure.

"Alright Matthew. If you really want to know. If it will affect anything for your future, I will tell you. It pains me that you think that I only saw you as a ticket to being a countess. It pains me a lot. That is the furthest thing from the truth. There are many things you don't know. Things that held me back that had nothing to do with Albert. And I still don't know if I can tell you. I'm still afraid after all these years."

Mary began to shake as tears threatened to come out of her eyes. Matthew looked at her concerned but did not say a word. Instead, he followed his instincts and just pulled her into his arms as she started to quietly sob. He could not imagine what was in her mind, what she was afraid to tell him, what she had been afraid to tell him back in the summer of 1914 before the war.

But the feel of her back in his arms also overwhelmed him. He had not held her since Sybil's ball or rather later in the early morning hours in Grantham House's drawing room, when they had nearly consummated their love. Even though she was crying and who knew what she had to say, Matthew had not felt this good in almost three years. Mary was back in his arms, even if only to be comforted for a moment. It was wonderful.

A/N – Stay tuned to see what Mary will actually admit to him. And while this may seem like the turning point of the story, I assure you it is far from over and other parties are still waiting in the wings with their machinations. Hope you enjoyed this chapter.

Thank you again for favoriting and following this story. The feedback has been wonderful. Please continue to review and let me know what you think – it helps solve my writers block.