Chapter 9 – Secrets Revealed
Lavinia thought back to her attempt to get Richard Carlisle to help her prove or disprove her theory about Albert being Matthew and Mary's love child. She had stormed into his office and he was not happy with her at all. In fact, he almost had her escorted out by his security men. But then he stopped and looked at her thoughtfully and gave her a few nuggets of information. Sir Richard had told her that he was still searching for information, but he had verified that her fiancé Matthew and Lady Mary had in fact been courting before the war. In fact, word in London in the summer of 1914 was that they were going to be engaged to be married by the end of the summer. They had been seen all over London together at every event and every ball. Why they had broken was a mystery to many. Or at least that was what Richard told her.
Lavinia scratched her head. Richard would allow no further questions and escorted her out of the office. He would not prove or disprove her theory. Perhaps the child was not Matthew's after all. Perhaps it was just a family resemblance. She was so confused. If Mary and Matthew were a couple, why had Matthew not told her. If he was still in love with Mary, why had he asked her to marry him. The whole thing was a jumble, but with this information a lot of what she had witnessed at Downton along with the small nuggets of information she had gotten from Isobel about Matthew being the heir previously made more sense.
Matthew was in England now and she was anxious to see him. He had said he would come to see her in London when he had a break from his recruitment tour. It worried her that he had not invited her to meet him in Downton. She was sure he must be visiting Downton, surely to see his mother and probably to see Lady Mary. Oh, that hurt, what if he had gone to see Lady Mary. It suddenly occurred to her that perhaps she should not wait for Matthew to invite her, but perhaps she should contact Isobel and suggest that they have a visit and then she would already be there when Matthew returned.
Lavinia took out a paper and pen and began writing a letter to Isobel.
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Sir Richard looked at the latest correspondence from Lady Mary Crawley. She had been in London a month or two ago and was agreeable enough, but she had not invited him to Downton even after he had been more than obvious in his desire to be invited. Perhaps he needed to manufacture a business reason to be there and then he would stop by casually. He had information on her, information that would force her hand. The silly girl, Lavinia Swire had handed him a goldmine of rumors that whether true or not, though they likely were not true, would be very effective. Of course, he had not told Lavinia the key information that would have put all this to rest. That Matthew and Mary Crawley had broken because her brother, a new heir was born, and that child was Mary's brother not her own child. He had left her swirling with the information that they had practically been engaged but that he did not know why they had broken. Yes, he could still use Lavinia if he needed her to shake things up. And yes, if Lady Mary Crawley would not move forward with him, he would have to show her how it would be more advantageous.
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Matthew continued to hold Mary as she quietly sobbed in his arms trying to catch her breath. She could not believe that she was crying. She had really lost hold of herself. What was it about Matthew Crawley that pulled down her defenses? He had merely told her to tell him what was in her heart but that opened so many holes in her heart that she had tried to keep closed. As her breathing evened out, she noticed that Matthew was rubbing circles on her back and kissing her head. When was the last time they had sat together so closely, so intimately? How had she let the whole thing go so wrong, when this felt so right? And then she reminded herself that she had to tell him.
Mary pulled away and looked at Matthew with her eyes still wet from her tears. Matthew pulled his arm back following her lead but looked intently back at her.
"I'm sorry if I have upset you. That was not my intention. But please tell me Mary. What is in your heart?"
Mary took a deep breath and straightened her shoulders and gave him a small smile.
"Matthew, when you were away at war for two years with no word, I promised myself that if I ever had the chance, I would tell you what I could not before. And we are sitting here together, and you want answers and I want to give them to you. I cannot believe I even have this opportunity. I just don't want to mess up the life you are building for yourself. If Lavinia can make you happy, you should be with her. Your life with her would be much less complicated and I do believe she loves you."
Matthew looked at Mary intently and took a slow breath.
"Mary, all that may be true, but that is not why I asked you to sit with me. You said that you were hurt that I could think that all you wanted from me was to become a countess. And truly I did not think it, but your actions left me confused and I made assumptions and now I need you to be clear with me. Please."
Mary gave him a wistful smile.
"Alright, I promised myself and I promised you. When you whispered to me at Sybil's ball that you loved me and I said me too, that was true then and it is even more true now. It has never changed. You are in my heart and my soul and even if I should want to throw that love away, I am unable."
A wide grin spread across Matthew's face. It was what he had been waiting to hear. He let out a breath he did not know he was holding. He tried to hold Mary's hand, but she would not allow it but continued to speak.
"I messed up. I let people place doubt in my head. And then there are things I needed to tell you if we were to marry, and I was afraid to tell you. So, I kept you waiting. I never thought you would run out of patience. I was sure I would figure out how to tell you these things before Albert was born. I was pretty sure I would have wanted to marry you regardless of your position. I just did not know how to tell you. I also had my pride and when you asked me that day if I loved you enough to spend my life with you, I knew I did, but I was upset you would even ask that. I thought it was obvious, I was upset you were pressuring me when I thought you should understand that I needed more time. But it was I who was wrong. You had waited long enough. You did not know why I had kept you waiting. You too were prideful and insecure in not knowing if you would be the heir. But I just messed it up."
Matthew took her hand now and would not allow her to push him away.
"Oh darling, we both messed up. I should have seen there was more to it. I was so afraid, afraid that the two months of our courtship were a dream. That you had not really told me that you loved me, but just agreed with what I had said."
Mary pulled her hand back again.
"Matthew you mustn't blame yourself. I have had a lot of time to think about this and it was I who made the mistakes. I got what I deserved."
Matthew looked at her askance.
"Mary whatever do you mean? You must tell me now what things you needed to tell me. I assure you whatever it is, it cannot possibly matter. I know we can work through it."
Mary looked at him quizzically.
"Work through it? You are engaged to someone else. You know now that I love you. But how does that change anything. I missed my chance. You have moved on."
Matthew took a breath and pulled her chin up so that he looked directly into her eyes.
"Mary, that is the mistake that I made. Now that I know what is in your heart. I will fix that mistake. It will not be pleasant, and it will be unfair to Lavinia. But would it not be more unfair to her to marry her when my heart belongs to another woman; to you my love."
Mary let out a sound that was a combination of a sob and shout. She could not believe what Matthew had just said. She suspected perhaps he felt that way, when he insisted that she tell him what was in her heart. But she did not think he would break with Lavinia. She thought him too noble for that. But he was right, it would be wrong for him to marry her if indeed his heart belonged to Mary. He had called her 'my love", Mary thought her heart would burst. How many times had she dreamt of this moment? But would he feel the same once she told him about Pamuk. She worried. But she had started this, she would have to finish.
Matthew rubbed his fingers over her knuckles soothingly and prompted her to respond.
"Oh, my love, please tell me now what you could not tell me before. I love you, whatever it is it will be alright."
Mary gave him a small smile.
"Alright Matthew, I guess it is the moment of truth so to speak. Do you remember the night of Sybil's ball, in the early hours of the morning when I came to you in the drawing room and we almost took our relationship to a level of intimacy reserved for marriage?"
A blush covered Matthew's face. It was a night he thought about very often. One that still laced him with regret as he thought if he had not stopped, they would surely be married now.
"Mary, the memory of that night has kept me, I could never forget it. But what…."
Mary put a finger to his lips.
"Well if we had not stopped, you would have discovered that you would not have been the first man that I had been intimate with. I am not virtuous. I am a fallen woman."
Matthew's jaw dropped, and it took every ounce of self-restraint not to drop Mary's hand. He needed to be true to what he said that they could work through anything. It was shocking, but he could not let this matter. He had promised her that nothing would matter. He closed his mouth and nodded, urging her to continue.
"I had come to you that night, thinking perhaps I could tell you this secret and maybe you could see past it and then I would surely say yes to your proposal, even before we returned to Downton. All the champagne had given me some liquid courage and I thought I could tell you. But as we did back then, we had started kissing and it quickly was turning into something more, and then in the back of my mind I thought if we did this, then I would not have to tell you. You would know and then because we also were together you would have to marry me anyway. But then you were too honorable and told me we should save it for marriage. And I thought again, how am I ever going to tell you."
Matthew laughed ruefully.
"Matthew, did I say something funny? When I tell you my darkest secret you find it funny?"
Matthew continued to laugh a bit, because if broke the tension that he was feeling.
"Mary, I'm not laughing at you. I'm laughing because you cannot know how many times I have thought of that moment and how I wished I had not been honorable. How I wish we had consummated our love and that we would have had to be married whether I was the heir or not. Its humorous to me that you had that thought that night even if it was not for the same reasons."
Mary smiled and laughed as well. She could not believe she could smile and laugh after such an admission. Yet Matthew was still here, he had not gone running back to Crawley house. What did that mean? Could he see past it?"
"Matthew, could you have forgiven me then? Do you forgive me now? Do you still think we can get though it?"
Matthew looked at Mary again, ceasing to laugh.
"I can't answer as to how I would have reacted then. I would like to think that after getting over the shock, I would have come around. Though I understand your hesitation to tell me and I understand even more now your hesitation once you found out your mother was expecting Albert. It puts a lot of things in perspective. Though I wish you would have told me. Because I must think that if you truly could have gotten beyond the fact that I was no longer heir, we perhaps could have made a go at it. But I imagine it would have been messy for a time."
Mary looked at him thoughtfully.
"And what about now, how do you feel about me now? Because if you can handle this part, I'm not sure you can handle what else I have to tell you."
"There is more?"
Mary sighed.
"Yes, there is more"
Matthew looked at her quizzically.
"Do you have a child?"
Mary laughed, trust Matthew to come to that conclusion.
"No, on that score I was lucky. But the whole episode is quite scandalous."
Matthew looked intrigued.
"Please tell me."
And so, Mary told him. She reminded him of Pamuk's stay. Of how she had flirted shamelessly with him, how he had abrasively kissed her in the other room and suggested that he come to her that night. How she had told him to forget what he said, how he showed up anyway. She told Matthew how she had threatened to scream, how he told her she would be ruined anyway. And how in the end she gave into his advances and found it quite eye opening. And then she told Matthew how Kemal had died on top of her after experiencing you know what. She kept talking quickly telling him how she had to get Anna and Mama to help her carry the body across the length of the house and how his eyes would not close. And then she told him how Edith had found out and betrayed her and how all of London was talking about her.
The look on Matthew's face when she finished could not be described. She had perhaps never seen anything like it in her life. It might be shock, as he still did not speak but looked as if his eyes might leave his head. Clearly, he was trying to keep himself calm, that she knew. So, she just waited for him to say something until she could not wait any longer.
"Say something! Even if it's only good-bye"
This seemed to awaken Matthew. He took a deep breath and looked her.
"It would never be good-bye. I think I'm just in shock at all you have gone through. How you have kept this to yourself, how you have held your head high. I'm in awe of you. And I'm so sorry for all you have gone through. And I'm sorry for my part and how I did not wait for your answer. My darling, how can I make it up to you?"
Mary eyes opened even wider.
"Make it up to me? You have done nothing wrong. It was all my fault, I obviously made him feel that I wanted to be with him, and I let him. The fact that he died. That only added to the scandal. And Edith..well you know how she and I are."
Matthew pulled Mary back into his arms.
"Mary you did nothing wrong. Do you not realize how that scoundrel took advantage of you? You told him no repeatedly, you clearly did not intend or want to be with him. Darling, I don't think you understand that he raped you."
Mary looked up at him.
"Oh Matthew, don't make it something it wasn't, it was not violent, I let him, and not to be graphic, but you need to know if you think you can get past this. I participated. I was sorry that he died, I thought he had taught me about love and made me happy."
Matthew pulled her closer to him.
"Mary, when a woman says no repeatedly and the man ignores her wishes, that is not consent. You may not want to call it rape, and that is fine, but you have to stop blaming yourself and realize that you were coerced at best."
Mary started to protest, but Matthew put a finger to her lips.
"And I'm not just saying this so that I view it differently and can justify being with you. Because I realize it does not matter whether you were coerced or did it willingly, it does not change the way I feel about you. I love you Lady Mary Crawley and I want to spend the rest of my life with you. But only if you truly want to spend the rest of your life with me. I'm still just a middle-class lawyer, I don't own an estate or a newspaper empire and the best I can hope to be maybe with your father's support is Lord Chancellor one day. And I am a solider now and I don't know what will happen to me with this war on going.
Tears were streaming down Mary's face. Was it possible that Matthew was really saying all these things to her? In the best dreams that she had, he was never this understanding, this accepting. Telling her it was not her fault. Everyone who knew had blamed her for this. Certainly, her mama blamed her and Edith, well Edith what could she say of her betrayal.
"Matthew are you sure? Because I don't care about you position. Truthfully, I told Aunt Rosemond years ago before we broke that I did not care about your position. I love you, if you will still have me, if we can work out this whole mess, I would be glad to spend my life with you."
Matthew began to wipe her tears with his finger and rubbed her cheek. Then he put him palm on her cheek and used his other hand to draw her closer. Mary's eyes fluttered closed as Matthew's lips descended on hers in a gentle kiss. They kissed gently for a moment before Matthew pulled back, looked her straight in the eye and said.
"We are going to make this work. I will not lose you again. I'm not sure yet how all this will work or how much time it will take, but I'm going to get us out of this mess and back together the way we should have been. I promise."
And then he kissed her again. This time not gently, as the kiss quickly accelerated and became more passionate until they had to stop to get some air.
Mary smiled at Matthew.
"Matthew, what time is it? I have forgotten I'm supposed to be at tea and then with Albert. I best get back before they start looking for me."
Matthew looked terribly disappointed but then brightened.
"Mary may I come with you. I know I said earlier that I should wait to see the family until I see mother. But I don't think she will mind, and I don't want to be separated from you, not now. I only have another day before I must return to General Strut. I mean to spend every waking moment with you."
"Matthew, I want to be with you as well. But we can't give ourselves away not before we have a plan and things are settled. Come to the house for tea and see Albert again. He will love to see you. After we will have to be discreet."
Matthew knew she was right. He was just so overjoyed to know what was in her heart, to be back with his Mary. But she was right they would have to be discreet and he had to come up with a reasonable plan.
A/N – So there you have it, scandal revealed, our favorite couple on their way back to each other, but many obstacles are still in the way.
Thank you all for all your great reviews of the last chapter – I was so happy that it was so well received. Thank you again for all the favorites and follows. Please review and let me know what you think. I hope this chapter met your expectations.