Foreword:

For those who don't know, Jumpchain is a CYOA-style game found on the Spacebattles and Sufficient Velocity forums, and involves sending a self-insert between different fictional universes. Most people who participate probably don't think about how terrifying it would be for the self-insert.

A Very Meta Chapter

"So wait, you're a Master of Death, but you don't even get any cool powers?"

"That's exactly what I'm saying.", said the rather ordinary (except for the pointed ears) version of Harry. "I forgot to read the fine print, and I got stuck filling out parchmentwork for Namo and his wife, for an entire Valian century. Turns out it should have been the "Quartermaster of Death". I mean, I can't die of old age, and if I'm killed, I just get a new body, but that never happens in Aman. The only useful powers I got involved understanding Valarin, signing things in triplicate, and filling out the prehistoric Elvish equivalent of spreadsheets. It's honestly stuff that only Percy would find interesting."

"You get to live in Valinor! How is that not interesting?", asked the other Harry, adjusting the knobs on the conspicuous metal plate on the side of his head. "By the way, I'll have the butterbeer, as well as a half-cup of motor oil for my prosthetics."

"It was, at first, but nothing ever happens! Fëanor occasionally started a prison riot, but they're all disembodied spirits so the only thing they can really do is yell at the guards. Besides, I had to file the reports afterwards. The most interesting thing that's happened to me over my 20,736-year tenure (1) was some muggle with a god complex randomly appearing on the lower slopes of Taniquetil- he was under the impression that not only was Arda fictional, but I was as well."

There was a long, awkward pause. Outside the cafe, a female version of Mundungus Fletcher walked by while smoking something extremely pungent from a teapot. As she packed more into the spout, the flame went out and she swore in old Sumerian. The pair let the surprisingly creative curses wash over them before continuing.

"Why would that give him a god complex? Didn't he know that some universes are mutually fictional?"

"I don't think he did, to be honest. I didn't know until I wound up with Potterwatch. Anyhow, because he thought he was in a fictional place, meeting fictional characters, he came to some very weird conclusions. Either he was fictional as well, and being written by a version of himself in the "real world", or he was a nascent godling. Either way, it terrified him for various reasons, mostly to do with the existential horror of omnipotence."

"You mean like that episode of the Twilight Zone where the gangster goes to hell and gets everything he ever wanted? That makes a bit more sense, but it's still a very strange conclusion to jump to."

"Some people are just wired differently. I know it was just as strange as me winding up in a place I thought was fictional. Anyhow, at least I was able to keep him from having a complete mental breakdown- he needed something to do, to keep his mind occupied. The last I heard, he decided to learn blacksmithing from some of Aulë's disciples, but I didn't really have the time to leave Mandos, so I couldn't say for sure. I think he got involved with a Maia, which does lend a bit of credibility to his delusions, since the Ainur don't normally have relationships with Eru's children. Probably a bad move on his part in that case-if you're having an existential crisis, it's better to avoid situations that reinforce it."

He took another sip of his Miruvórë.

"Anyhow, that was about it in terms of variety. There were elvish holidays, but they all blend together eventually.

I never really found out what happened to the poor man. As far as I know, he vanished as easily as he appeared. I chalk it up to one of those quirks of the multiverse- sometimes, people just fall through the cracks, without any real explanation. What about you? What did you do before the Potterwatch found you?"

"I was a fairly typical Harry, all things considered. The only real difference is that instead of fighting Grindelwald or Professor Riddle, I had to deal with Ekrizdis the Second. I was sorted into Ravenclaw, but that usually happens when Sirius and Aunt Bella raise me. Anyhow, I got a job at what remained of the Department of Mysteries and had an accident with a time turner and an experimental portkey. I wound up ricocheting through the multiverse like a quantum pinball, and the Potterwatch intercepted me somewhere near Carcosa."

"Wait- Carcosa's a real place?"

"Why are you surprised at that? You're the one who wound up in Tolkien's Time Quartet."

"When I come from, it's called the Mythology of England."(2)

"You know what I mean. It's a big multiverse. Transfinitely big, in fact."

"Speaking of, I heard there's a new batch of Potters coming through. I'll have to do their paperwork before too long."

"That means I'll probably need to check them for exotic parasites. I'm not expecting a class Aleph Infovore or anything- It's hard to keep moving between realities when you wind up in one that's already undergone heat death. I wouldn't be surprised by an unusually clever Hound of Tindalos deciding to hitch a ride, though."

"Have, uh, fun with that. I know I wouldn't."

"Fuck you, too."

(1)

A Valian century is 144 Valian years, and a Valian year is 144 solar years. This is because Tolkien's elves count in base 12.

(2)

Both names are alternate titles for the Silmarillion, and are based on the actual history of Tolkien's legendarium. The Time Quartet is a reference to Lewis's Space Trilogy and the contest that inspired it, while the Mythology of England refers to Tolkien's original purpose for writing the Silmarillion.