Chapter 5: Mind Games

He told himself he would not use the key. In fact, he told himself he need not even be tempted to use it. Had she not offered him an opportunity to exit the relationship? To leave things as they were, as perfect memories?

But she was clever, and he was just beginning to see how clever she truly was.

By giving him the key, she symbolically gave him her heart and her love. But she had also given him the very real key to her very real bedroom where the primal essence of his being wanted to be very badly. Because despite his composure and his rehearsed speech to break off the relationship, she had given him more than just a key. She had preemptively anticipated his move and instead of letting him cut off the relationship then and there, she had left the door ajar. And then handed him a key, which promptly shoved the proverbial foot in said door. After that she had told him that her experience with him had been the most perfect night of her life. She had told him that he made her feel wonderful. She had also implied that she wanted more nights of passion and love with him, which was also problematic because he could not deny the physical attraction he felt for her just as his body could not deny reacting to the thought of what those nights might entail. Because she tempted him. Now that they had been intimate, he knew the full extent of how much his body craved hers and how good it felt to be together. A part of him had hoped, when he succumbed to temptation originally, that it would satiate the desire. But he had been so very wrong. Now he was left with a savage hunger that gnawed at his resolve.

All he thought about on the last part of the trip up to Skyhold was that key. And her. And the key. And her. And how good it would feel to use the key and be with her.

The thoughts spun inside him as he fought to regain control of the situation and course correct their relationship. He lay upon the chaise lounge in his room, twisting the key over and over in his hand until he was confident of his new strategy: he would return the key to her and end the relationship. Simple, clean, and effective.

As his footsteps echoed softly in the darkness of the night as he crossed the throne room, he told himself that he was going to her room to end the relationship. He told himself he would resist the temptation of the key and return it. He told himself he could not return her feelings. He told himself he did not truly love her.

And as he made his way to her door, Fen'Harel lied to himself all the while.

At this late hour only a few with one too many pints in the belly were still awake, leaving the throne room and the antechamber to her room effectively deserted. The door opened a few moments after his knock. He straightened his back and repeated his words in his head, and kept the key in his hands behind his back.

She opened the door and held up her candle. Upon seeing his face she opened the door wide to let him in, but he stayed firm at the doorway. Neutral ground. Where it was safe.

"Would you like to come in?" she asked, amused by his stiff stance in the doorway.

Solas cleared his throat. The lump had returned. "I am here because-"

"I know why you're here, Solas. We both know why you're here. The point of the key though, is that you don't have to knock. Come in."

His feet obeyed. Though he regained his composure quickly enough and stayed on the bottom stoop as she began to climb the stairs. He shut the door softly behind him. "Lavellan, I-"

"Am I Lavellan again? No, that's much too formal. In fact, from this moment forward you may only speak to me informally here. That means, only my given name or 'vhenan'."

"Please-" he began again.

"-Oh yes, 'please' is good too. I quite enjoy using that one myself."

The lump in his throat was turning into stone. He followed her halfway up the stairs, catching her by the wrist. He knew what he had to say. The words were on his lips: I am afraid I can no longer continue with this relationship. It has to end. I'm sorry for the pain that I have caused you. Please take your key back. Your heart deserves someone more worthy than I. But all that he managed to say when she turned around was: "I am afraid…"

Her smile slowly faded from her face and concern replaced it.

His grip on her wrist did not slacken, however, once she had turned around. The look of love in her eyes disarmed him once again.

"Ma vhenan," she said, touching his cheek with the other hand. She tried to usher him up the stairs, but when he did not follow, still clutching her wrist like a lifeline, she sat down on the stairs beside him, holding his hand in hers. She waited patiently for him to find his voice again.

Try as he might, however, the lump in his throat would not disappear. "I am afraid…" he began again, looking into her eyes. But that was a mistake. Those brilliant, compassionate eyes drew him in, capturing his heart so effortlessly. "I am afraid… I will fail."

She squeezed his hand reassuringly, looking upon him with gentleness. For a while she was quiet and then she released a deep breath. "I know that pain all too well, Solas. It is my fear too. That I might fight this battle against Corypheus and fail is too unbearable a pain some days. Because I saw what it was like at Redcliffe. I know what will happen to everyone and this world if I fail. But Solas, I do not think we will let that come to pass. We are stronger together than Corypheus ever could be. Do not let fear take your courage or your strength. You are brave and wise and stronger than anyone I know. If you are afraid, I will be here to support you. Please know that you will always have me." She rested her head on his shoulder, as if a sudden weariness had come over her by the admission.

He found himself resting his own head against hers, taking solace in the comfort of her presence. Tonight her hair smelled of woodsmoke, embrium, and lavender. He breathed in the fragrance, letting the scent intoxicate his thoughts and ease his troubled mind. "I do not know if I have your strength, vhenan."

Her hands grasped his own more firmly. "I know that you have more strength than I ever could or will have."

"How can you be so certain?"

"I have already seen it. In Redcliffe, the red lyrium had not consumed your mind. You heard me and believed that we could return to the past and create a better future, even though you had lived through all the horror of Corypheus's rise to power. You still had faith. You believed and sacrificed yourself when all hope was lost," she shook her head, clenching her eyes shut as she tried not to recall the pain of watching her friends give their lives after she had failed all of them.

Solas heard her pain in the strain of her voice and drew her into his arms. "It was not real, vhenan. It shall not come to pass."

She shook her head. "It was real. It was real for everyone who was there, no matter how I wished to deny it. I had to watch you die for me. All of you died because I failed." She paused, choking back a quiver in her voice and sniffing back tears. "You see, you have no need to worry. It is not you who will fail. It's me."

"You will not fail. The future is not yet written."

She nodded against his chest. "I know that future in Redcliffe cannot come to pass as it did. Felix, Alexius's son, is dead. It is already impossible in that respect. But it doesn't mean that the future can't be as bad or worse. I still might fail." She rested her head on his shoulder. "You will not fail."

"Failure takes different forms, vhenan. In the future you saw at Redcliffe I did fail you."

She shook her head. "No, you didn't. You sacrificed yourself for me."

"I failed to prevent the same future. I failed to save you. I failed you."

"No, vhenan," she pulled back, rubbing the line of his jaw with her thumb, holding his gaze. "You did not fail me. You fought for me. You fought to save everyone. That is who you are. You are the person who tries, no matter the odds. You are a person who fights for what he believes to be right until the very end. That is not failure. That is strength, vhenan."

He dipped his forehead, resting it against hers. "How do you see such goodness in me, vhenan?" Surely there was none there to find. He was an evil, cruel, terrible creature who did not deserve her kind words.

She smiled at him, lifting his chin and forcing him to look her in the eye. "Simple. I looked."

And then she kissed him and his hands pulled her tightly to him, as if he could absorb every drop of goodness from her just by touch alone. It was in that moment that he knew he needed her. Not because she held the anchor and not because she was the Inquisitor, but because she was his hope. As much as it terrified him to hope, he needed to hold onto it if he was going to accomplish any of his goals.

The next thing he knew he was pulling her into his lap, kissing her back with desperate fervor. He slipped the key back into his pocket and slid his hand down her backside, enjoying the feeling of her curves in his hands and the taste of her lips.

When she broke away, she smiled at him. "You know, I have a perfectly lovely bed and a warm fire not too far from here. It might be much more comfortable than the stairs."

The speech he had memorized in his head, the desire to keep her at bay, his own self-loathing; all of it faded away. His heart pounded in his chest, skin on fire, begging for more contact with her body. He wanted her.

She pulled back from him and took his hand to lead him up the stairs. They only made it two steps before he was kissing her again, bracing himself against the wall as her hands slipped under his shirt and up his chest.

He turned his attentions to her neck, careful not to leave marks where others might see, but enjoying the delicate shivers his ministrations drew forth.

"I've decided that you may come upstairs, but your clothes will have to stay behind," she teased, hooking her fingers under his tunic and sliding it up over his head.

"Ma nuvenin, vhenan." She was wearing tantalizingly little clothing in only a thin silk slip trimmed with Orlesian lace. He slid the straps off her arms and it pooled effortlessly at her feet, revealing her bare skin. Their bodies melded together, skin against skin, touching as much of each other as they possibly could. Solas pulled the ties on her small clothes away and skillfully slid his hand between her legs. Her breath hitched as his fingers started to move. When he felt the slick wetness of her arousal he groaned in anticipation. It wasn't fair. Now that he knew the feelings and sensations were more intense than he could have ever dreamed, his body ached for her in desperate need. Rocking his fingers back and forth over her most sensitive spot left her moaning into his ear.

But her fingers were just as deft and her palm cupped his arousal and slid over him as her other hand tugged at the laces. Once his pants were loose her hand slipped in and she grasped his length confidently in hand and stroked him.

He swore in elvish under his breath. It felt too good to have her touch him in this way. He helped her remove his pants and small clothes fully; they were only in the way by this point and the anticipation was growing too great. His other hand cradled the back of her head and he kissed her deeply as he slid a finger deep inside her. His lips stifled her gasp and her nails clawed into his chest and shoulders.

"Take me to bed," she breathed in his ear before another moan resonated in her chest.

Happy to oblige, he picked her up, but they did not quite make it to the bed. The closest they managed was the rug before the fireplace. Solas had fully intended to make it further, but could not manage the distance when her hand slipped mischievously down between them to stroke him. Stifling a groan he lowered her to the bearskin rug before the fire and kissed down her stomach, lower and lower.

Her back arched as he kissed her more intimately. She had to bite her lip to keep from moaning out for all the castle to hear after he introduced a finger as well. It was not long before waves of pleasure rose and crashed over her with a sudden swiftness that left her body shaking and her toes curled in euphoric bliss.

On the second attempt, they did make it to the bed. Once she had regained control of her body she pulled him over to the bed and had him sit. Then she climbed on top of him, careful to position his length between her legs, but not yet mounting him. Taking his face in her hands, she kissed him greedily, still tasting herself on his tongue. His hands cupped her bottom, smoothing over the skin. Then she started to move, slowly, back and forth: not enough to take him inside herself, but enough to slip along his arousal in a delightful tease of sensation.

It worked too. A deep groan emanated from his chest and it took every last drop of his self-control not to change the angle only a fraction-for the sweet warmth of her entrance was agonizingly close-and join himself with her.

She enjoyed teasing him too, knowing that the promise of more would only be a matter of the smallest adjustment, but she kept rocking against him. The lust in his eyes and the wanting in his grasp made the power she held over him all the more delightful. And when he closed his eyes and let out a growl of pleasure she savored the image of him in her mind and increased her pace.

Solas decided that if that was the game she wanted to play, he would match her tease with one of his own, taking advantage of the position to capture her nipple between his lips while his hands roamed over her skin, sending shivers of sensation throughout her body. He was beginning to adore those shivers and the hitch in her breath.

And then she rose up and tilted her hips at the moment the angle was just right and slowly took him in, giving her body time to adjust to his girth as she lowered herself down. Solas let out a groan of ecstasy. Experimentally, she raised herself up and then lowered herself, slowly at first, before she gave in and began to ride him in earnest.

"Vhenan," he gasped, resting his hands on her ass and relishing in the pleasure of her movements. He dug his nails into those perfectly round cheeks and threw his head back in euphoria. She was a sight to behold, head tossed back, hair in a mess, lost in the passion of the moment. The firelight danced over her form, casting shadow and light in a tantalizing display that had him spellbound, drinking in her beauty and power as she took command of him.

After a time, she stopped rather abruptly, clutching her hip.

"Vhenan?" he asked, concerned that she was hurt.

"Muscle cramp," she explained, making an apologetic face. "Do you mind if we switch positions?"

"Not in the least," he said, bracing her against his chest and rolling over so that he was above her on the bed.

She let out a soft laugh at the swift enthusiasm in his gesture and brought him back in for a kiss as she adjusted herself to be more comfortable.

His hand passed over the spot on her hip, glowing with a soft blue light, using a spell to relieve the pain with a touch. "Is that better?"

"Much," she said with a coy grin, pulling him down on top of her. He kissed her and touched her and gave in to the thrills of passion. Her nails raked down his back as he began to thrust. Rocking her hips in time with his movements she began to feel the pleasure build and begged him to go faster. He obliged, speeding up his thrusts, breath hot against her neck as the sensations grew and grew and then finally tipped the scales and she reached her peak, biting down on his shoulder to stifle her scream and clutching him tightly.

"Yes, vhenan, yes," he groaned, as her muscles clamped down around him and he gave his final thrusts. Once he had regained his breath, he nuzzled into her neck, kissing along her jaw, delighting in the pleasant sounds she made when he did.

Pulling him down for a long, slow kiss, she let her fingers dance over his back, blissfully happy. When they broke apart, she touched her nose to his in a playful manner and he smiled down at her. He went to pull away, but like last time she kept her legs wrapped around him, shaking her head and wearing a coy smile as she pulled him down for another kiss. "Now," she said, a bit breathless, "Once we are both recovered, do you think you'd be willing to let me try that other position again?" she asked, looking up at him from beneath her lashes and biting her lip.

"More than willing, vhenan," he smiled, grazing her cheek with his thumb.

Her fingers traced along his cheek, over his ears, cradling his head lovingly as she brought him back down for another kiss. "Good. I look forward to more."

Later, when they were both lying tangled in the sheets, thoroughly spent, she nuzzled closer to him, resting her head on his chest. She liked the feeling of his body against hers and smiled to herself as her fingers traced aimless circles over his chest.

He brushed the hair from her face and let his fingers brush down her neck and along her arm, marveling at the beauty of her skin illuminated by firelight. He was trying to decide which suited her better: moonlight or firelight, when she slipped her leg over him and propped herself up on her elbows to hover above him. They kissed, soft and sweet and unhurried.

"I didn't know it could feel like this," she whispered, as if saying it too loudly would break the tranquility of the moment.

He tucked her hair behind her ear and touched his thumb to her cheek. "Like what, vhenan?"

She thought around for the words, but shook her head, feeling silly in her euphoric state. "Like a dream. I keep expecting I will awaken at any moment and lose this feeling. I look at you-touch you-" she kissed his neck just below his ear, drawing a smile to his lips. "And I can't believe that you are real and this moment is real. It seems too good to be true."

He slid his hands down her sides. "You feel real to me, vhenan." He squeezed her bottom and she let out a gasp of surprise.

Fixing him with a coy grin, she trailed her fingertips lightly down his chest, making him shiver. Her hand rested over his heart, feeling the strong beat of it in his chest. "You feel real to me too, Solas." She bent down and kissed him again, delighting in the warm comfort of his touch.

"Certainly real enough to bite?" he asked in an amused tone, touching his shoulder where the slight crescent bruise marked him.

Blushing, she shrugged and bent to kiss it by way of apology. "I did not hurt you, did I? I'm afraid I couldn't help myself. It was either that or cry out loudly enough for half the castle to hear."

"I take it you enjoyed yourself then?"

"Mmm, most definitely. Did you enjoy yourself?"

He took her hand and brought it to his lips, his lids lowered and a seductive smile playing across his face. "Thoroughly."

His breath was warm against the back of her hand as he kissed her fingertips. The power and intensity behind his eyes stirred the embers inside her. Capturing his wrists and guiding them over his head, she bent over him, hair spilling down and tickling his neck, and kissed him. "If I asked you for more," she whispered against his neck, "Would you give it to me?"

Slipping a hand behind her back he rolled on top of her, gazing down at her with hungry eyes. "Yes, vhenan."

Some time later in the small hours of the morning, she awoke to him rising and collecting his clothes. "Where are you going?" she asked, rubbing her tired eyes.

He kissed her forehead and drew the sheets up over her shoulder. "Go back to sleep, vhenan."

She blinked sleepily up at him, not quite conscious enough to fully form her thoughts. "Solas?"

He paused at the top of the stairs. "Yes, vhenan?"

She tried to find the words to ask him to stay, to hold her and keep her warm in her bed, but felt foolish even considering it as he was clearly dressed and intent on leaving. "Will you visit me again tomorrow?"

"If that is what you wish, ma vhenan." With that he left, locking the door behind him.

True to his word, he did visit her the next night. And the next. And then for the next week straight. But each time, once she drifted off to sleep he would leave her before she awoke the next morning. Once, she tried to stay awake the whole night, but their rigorous activities left her in a blissful state of contentment and exhaustion. Plus, she was rather fond of sleep and fonder still of falling asleep while nestled up to him. He seemed to enjoy it as well, which is why it confused her all the more when he would leave her in the darkness. But tonight she awoke to him disentangling himself from her embrace to collect his clothes and longed to have him remain in her bed. "Will you not stay? You must need some rest after all that."

He pulled on his trousers and slipped the tunic over his head. "I cannot stay, vhenan. Though I wish that I could," he said gently, bending over her to kiss her cheek.

This answer was clearly dissatisfactory to her. "Solas? Are you ashamed of me? Is that why you're fleeing my bed like a thief in the night?"

He was thankful he was turned away from her when she said it. Was it not true on some level? Was he stealing something from her? Surely he was taking something he could not give back. And perhaps there was shame in that. Shame that he knew it could not last forever. No matter if they enjoyed each other's company for a time, the relationship would come to an end at some point in the future. "No, vhenan. I thought it was for the best that I not be seen coming out of your private quarters."

She drew the sheets up, covering herself as she sat up, suddenly feeling anger and embarrassment roil in her stomach. "I don't care if anyone sees you. I'm not ashamed of you or the fact that we've had sex. Are you ashamed of what we did?"

"No, vhenan."

"Then why are you acting like you're afraid to be seen with me?"

"Because people will talk. The court will make judgements if you take a low-born elf, an apostate no less, as a lover. I thought it best to be discreet." This was apparently the worst thing he could have said. The look in her eyes was a mixture of disbelief, irritation, and bitter resentment.

"You think I care what the court thinks? Half of them spread rumors that I'm taking any one of my close companions to bed at any given time. What does it matter what they think?"

"I did not mean to upset you, vhenan. But you must realize you will gain no favors or alliances by being seen with me as your paramour." He reached for the bedside table where his talisman lay, but she blocked his path, standing as straight as she could in defiance, not caring that he was a head taller than she.

"Listen to me, Solas. I do not care what they think. I am still an elven mage, the same as you, and what the nobles gossip about at court matters very little to the Inquisition. I am more than the Inquisitor. And you are more to me than an elven apostate. You are the man who saved my life and fights by my side. Do not reduce what we have and what I feel for you to nothing more than a moonlight tryst. You mean more to me than that. Can you not say the same?" She held her ground, but a muscle in her cheek jumped and he knew she was fighting back tears.

He had hurt her. Again. "Vhenan," he said soberly, but she turned her face away as if struck, crossing the room clutching her arms.

"Just go, Solas."

He took his talisman and left. He closed the door and slipped the key in the lock behind him, wishing that he was not to blame for the soft sobs coming from inside.