Chapter 14: No Going Back

~Some months later~

Heavy vines grew up over the statue of Fen'Harel in the center of the ruins. Lavellan's hand danced and twirled in the air in graceful movements and the vines responded to her magic, weaving themselves together until a circular crown of flowered vines rested atop the statue's head. She would have liked to weave the vines together by hand, but with only one left to her now, she was forced to rely on magic to aid her. Stepping back, satisfied with her work, she withdrew the book from her bag and placed it between the wolf's front paws.

Closing her eyes, she felt around the edges of this part of the Fade, in this place where she held memories of him. It was her private place of solace and on the nights when she could not bear the longing in her heart she gave in and came here for peace of mind. The memories were as fresh as if they had only happened yesterday. She stepped into the tableau of memory from the night they had spent here, watching and wondering what thoughts must have passed through his mind as she admitted how she felt for him. Part of her wondered if it had all been a ruse, but these memories did not lie. She saw his anguish. The way he tried so hard to fight what he felt, because to give in meant he might lose his will to continue down the path to fulfill his vow. She watched the torment grip his heart as he looked at her, eyes draping over her lips, her eyes. And he gave in because it was what he wanted. Not a play for power, but giving in to passion. He had not been false to her in that. And when he had touched her and kissed her and taken her body to his, it was because he wanted her. Because he loved her.

She reached up and placed her hand on the statue's nose, and shut her eyes and prayed. A passing spirit of Curiosity had asked her once what she was doing and when she told the spirit she was praying the spirit asked her if she was praying to Fen'Harel. No, she had informed the spirit: she was praying for him. This fascinated the spirit, but Lavellan did not answer any more of its questions. But every time she returned to this place, she prayed for him.

Sometimes, when she came here or visited other parts of the Fade, she could sense him nearby, hidden, but drawn back to her like a comet returning to orbit a familiar planet. She tried to reach out to him in turn, to talk to him, but each time she did, he would vanish.

So she would leave the book in the hopes that he might find it someday. Perhaps now it didn't even matter. He had walked away from her, telling her he would never forget her and leaving her alone, again. It was possible he would never return to her.

Unable to bear standing amidst the familiar presence of him, she stepped back and turned to leave, her heart heavy.

And there he was. Not a memory or feeling or the prickle on the back of her neck that told her she was being watched from somewhere unseen. He was there, hands clasped behind his back, jaw set, his face unreadable. "You must not do this," he warned.

She swallowed the fear that rose into her throat. "I have to. They deserve the truth."

He vanished and rematerialized inches from her, looming over her. Reaching behind her, he grabbed the book and held it before her. "The truth does not matter. They will not believe you anyway." He burned it in his hand until it vanished into ash and smoke.

He had her trapped against the statue, but she would not cower before him. Burning the book meant nothing. He clearly already knew what it contained. Why else would he confront her like this? Curling her hand into a fist she raised her chin and looked him in the eye. "If you don't think they'll believe me then why are you afraid? If the truth does not matter, then why are you here?"

His chest rose and fell, trying to restrain himself. "It will not help anything. They are not worthy-"

"Well I think it will help. People deserve to know what happened. They deserve to know the truth about the history of the elves, about what you did, about how you helped stop Corypheus, and what actually happened. It is their world, their history, their lives that were impacted by everything that we did. You said you wanted them to live in comfort, but how can they when everything they know is a lie? Let them know the truth, let them decide how they live their lives!"

His lip pulled back into a sneer and he shook his head at her. "They will brand you a heretic. A mad woman. A betrayer to your own people." How did she not understand? How could she not see that? "The truth will not matter to them!"

"And so what if they do? Many have already. Why should my story be any different from Ameridan's? A little Dalish elf ex-communicated from her clan? I am an easy target. It did not matter that I denied being the Herald, I was still called the 'Chosen of Andraste' long after I told the truth. And I lost my clan because of it. My voice and the truth mattered little to them that knew me best. While the truth did not matter to all, it mattered to me." She balled her hand into a fist. He thought her a fool who could not see the repercussions of her actions, but she was not. She knew. She knew it may come at the price of her good name, but what was a name compared to doing what she believed to be right? "I have learned the truth about our history, about the false gods and what the vallaslin was used for, and I am glad I know better, even if it took away everything I thought I knew. So now they will know the full story, with all the truth out in the open. I will not lie to them. Let them believe what they will, but I believe they deserve the choice!"

"Don't you realize what they will think? They will paint you the villain just as they did to me. What about your legacy and all the good that you've done? They will think you are the enemy-"

"My legacy? Look at my legacy," she gestured around at the Fade.

He did not understand. She had rebuilt this place, made it into the home for orphans and refugees she had imagined. She was not responsible for the ruins that came before. Her actions helped the people that now lived here.

"Have you seen the orphans here in my current memories? Do you know what I think when I look at them? It is not pride that they have found a home or hope for a better future. No, I wonder if I was the one who killed their parents and left them with nothing. I wonder if it was the Inquisition that took their father or mother or brother away. I wonder if there will ever be a day when they do not struggle because I could not stop Corypheus the first time. I failed to stop this. I failed all of them. I spilled so much blood because of it. I took countless lives. Let them hate me if they choose. I deserve it. I can take it."

"They will hunt you down. They will try to kill you!" He was practically shaking as he grasped the stone.

"I don't care if they do! Look at me! I have but one hand and one life to give. The Inquisition is all but gone. There is nothing left they can take from me, Solas." She shook her head, trying to make him understand. This was her choice. This was her final battle. She would not be moved away. This was the hill she would die on, if that is what it came to.

He grabbed her by the wrist, gripping her tightly. "Don't you understand, vhenan?" he said, raising his head from his sorrow to look her in the eye, his expression pained. "They might take away you. I cannot bear… You cannot..." He could not say the words, nor think such a terrible thought.

Her heart sank and her fury dissipated. She had thought he was here to stop her from interfering with his plan, furious with her, but that was not the true reason for why he had come. He still cared for her. And he was afraid she would die because of her connection to him.

When he found his voice he said, "They will kill you to hurt me. And they will torture you before they do. Please, vhenan, please…" He braced himself against the statue, shutting his eyes in an attempt to banish the memories of Caer Corswinn and the terrible fears that lurked in his heart.

The tight grip on her wrist did not slacken. His breath was hot against her neck, his body close enough to feel the heat of him.

"Please do not follow me down the Din'anshiral. I could not bear for you to share my fate." His forehead pressed against her own, shoulders sagging under an invisible weight; as a soldier weary and worn from battle. "Please," he begged in a whisper.

He released her wrist and she raised her hand to touch his cheek in a gentle caress. "I do not believe that will be your fate, Solas. I have known you, in body and spirit. You do not have to become the monster they believe you to be. You are a better man. A good man. I still believe that. That is why I cannot turn my back on you now. It is already too late."

He pulled back, gazing into her eyes, searching for a lie, but finding none. "No, vhenan."

"Yes," she said softly. "It is done. Already my remaining agents are canvassing the lands as we speak. Soon, at the foot of every statue of Fen'Harel, a book with the truth will sit and wait to be found. It will not take long for word to spread. Whatever becomes of it, I have done what I believe is right. Because I know who you are, Solas, and it is not someone who believes that destruction is the only possibility. I will stand by you. I will show you that there can be harmony between our worlds. You have put your faith in me before, have faith in me again." If the world and the Fade were once whole, they could be again. Rejoining them together did not have to mean people had to die. They could learn the truth and choose and fight for a better world. She would not leave him alone to fight the Evanuris. He would need help, no matter how powerful he was. She had fought and banished a false god. And a real one in Hakkon. And who knew better how to re-forge the world and the Fade than she? She had closed the Breach. She had stopped the future at Redcliffe from coming to pass. She had walked both worlds. She would find a way to make the world whole again without bringing ruin and destruction to all. There was possibility. He just had to see it.

"Vhenan…" He didn't know what to say. There was a time when he had wanted this. But she did not know the Evanuris as he did. She did not understand the power it took to seal them away behind the Veil and the price that he would inevitably pay for such a catastrophe against the natural order.

"You are not better off alone in this, Solas. You will need help. You will need support to make things right. And I believe it can be done right. I am not fool enough to believe it will be a transition without conflict, but I have seen enough of this world to know that conflict is the one constant throughout Thedas. But so is change. We can make things better. Let me help you."

She did not understand. She did not know. "Vhenan, the false gods are powerful beyond your measure. Bringing down the Veil will bring with it consequences you cannot know. Nothing will be the same."

She smoothed his cheek with her thumb. "I know. I am one of the few people in this world who does know what it means to reshape the world. I destroyed the world already back in Redcliffe. I paid the price. I faced a false god and banished him to the Fade. I finished what Ameridan started and defeated Hakkon. I know what your burden is like. Do not carry it alone. Together we will make it better. We will make the right choices. We will find a way for there to be harmony between these worlds. We did it before. I believe we can do it again."

"Vhenan, you do not know what it is like to lose everything. And we may."

She looked up at him, those brilliant eyes shining with that indomitable will of hers. "I do know. I lost you." She bit her lip, pushing the memory of his death at Redcliffe from her mind. "We may fail. But you are my everything, Solas. You are still ma vhenan. Var lath vir suledin."

He shook his head, trying to fight against his heart. "Vhenan, I cannot have you risk your life for me. I would have you happy, living in comfort and peace, with someone who deserves your heart." The breath left his lungs. If anything happened to her… She was already putting herself in so much danger just with the book alone…

She shook her head sadly. "I am my own person to command. I accept the risk because it is a worthy cause. You are worthy. I would not leave you alone in this fight. What chance can I have of finding peace? My heart belongs to you. Do you think I feel any differently than you? I would give anything to keep you safe. But I cannot do that if we are apart." She stepped closer to him, close enough to kiss. "Come back to me, Solas. Come back to Skyhold. I know you must anyway. It cannot be a coincidence that your castle was named such. If the Veil must come down, you will need to return to the place that holds back the sky," she said, recalling the elvish phrase for the Veil. "Let us do it together."

She was too clever for his own good. Such a simple thing, most would overlook it. But somehow she had pieced together the puzzle. How had he underestimated her again? He gazed at her, wondering if he was a fool, or if perhaps it was fate that put her in his path. Surely, of all the people that could have picked up the orb, there was a reason why it had been her. And even if it was not fate, hadn't she proven herself time and time again? She had already walked a similar path to vanquish a false god. She had fought Hakkon and finished what Ameridan had started. She had faced a Titan. She had rooted out the last clutches of Corypheus's grasp on Ferelden and Orlais. She had stopped the Qunari invasion. She had survived against horrors most would not. She led the Inquisition, helping people for the greater good. She brought peace to Thedas.

And she knew the Fade. She knew him. Better than he knew himself, in some ways. He knew the path he must walk would lead to his end, but it was not a fate he wanted for her. And like a fool, he had believed he could keep her safe with distance. But she loved him. And love was not easily swayed. Hadn't Ameridan's lover, Telana, followed him at her own peril, knowing she would not survive? Was that the fate he was leaving for her? To die, trying to reach him? Though he feared it above all else, he had been willing to die alone for his cause. It hadn't been a fate he wanted for her, but… how could he stop it? As much as he loved her, and would give anything to keep her safe, why then would he try to deny her when she felt the same way for him? Had he caused his own love such pain to bring her to this point where she would sacrifice everything for him? He knew her spirit and her indomitable will. It was not in her nature to stay away when she could help. Nor was it in his. He brushed the hair back from her face, trying to see a scenario where she would be safe from everything. But she had taken this step down a path from which there was no return. If he could not stop her, if distance could not save her, then he would have her there at his side.

"I will not ask it of you, vhenan… for I do not wish to take anyone else down this path with me, especially the woman I love... but if you choose to join me, I shall accept your decision."

"I know it is not what you wanted for me. But to be parted from you is agony. My heart will not allow it. Please, ma vhenan, let me help you."

He took her face in his hands and kissed her deeply, heart soaring in his chest, overriding the fear and worry. And she kissed him back, pulling herself closer to feel as much of his body as she could. Everything about the moment felt right. And she believed, deep into her bones, she would find a way to help him restore the Fade and bridge their worlds together in harmony, if not peace. It did not have to end in ruin. And as he held her in his arms, he held onto the hope that she would be right once again. Whatever battles lay ahead, they would face them together.

~The End~

Author's Note: Thank you, dear reader, for finishing my story. I hope that you enjoyed it and that it brought you a sense of comfort. I tried to write this story in a way where readers could imagine their own Lavellan sharing in these moments with Solas. However, if your playthrough was different and you simply enjoyed the story as an alternate reality, there is nothing wrong with that.

This piece was written in 2021, prior to much news about Dragon Age 4. I do not know what will come to pass in the next game, but I hope that there is some resolution to redeem Solas in a satisfying way. Any part of the story outside the cannon story plot points are of my own making and guessing.

Now that you've stayed until the end, please tell me what you think. I would appreciate a favorite or a follower, but your reviews make my day when I see them and I would love to know what you thought of the story. Did you like the characters? Did you enjoy their moments together? Did it help make sense of the confusion (if you were like me) about what was happening with the relationship when you romanced Solas? What would you have liked to see more of? What were your favorite parts? Tell me what you enjoyed and help me improve my writing. If you like it, please tell me why. If you didn't, then please be respectful of the time and effort I put into making this story when you provide your feedback.

I'm so pleased to be able to share this story with all of you. Thank you all for reading this piece!