Katherine had never kept a diary. She had always felt a resistance to writing down her feelings because that would have meant acknowledging them. Once they were on paper, they were real, they existed in black and white and could no longer be ignored.

After the death of Wesley Phelps, Katherine decided it was time to write down her thoughts and feelings, to commit them to paper as a way of dealing with her own trauma and understanding this horribly disturbed young person. To do this, she needed the perfect notebook, and she found it in a small stationery store. It had unlined pages, she preferred the open white canvas, and was bound in purple batik cloth, with bright orange, yellow, and green speckles. The binding reminded her of the illustration of nerve connections in the brain she had learned about in her studies. She called it her 'brain book,' and she knew she would feel comfortable writing down her thoughts in it.

October 8th, entry one

Wesley Phelps

Who was he?

Wesley was born on January 5th in Morristown, New Jersey, the only child of Ray and Ellen Phelps. There were no noticeable illnesses, lengthy hospitalizations, or criminal records. The parents are deceased (killed in a fire when Wesley was in college). The only living relative is his aunt, Susan Lantz, the older sister of Wesley's mother. Miss Lantz reports Wesley did not inherit any money after his parents died because they were worried about his 'strange' behavior. When asked, Miss Lantz recalled that Wesley never had a pet for any length of time, dogs or cats were always quick to 'run away'. But when Ray Phelps went to plant a vegetable garden sometime later, he dug up dozens of animal bones. No one could prove they were Wesley's 'missing' pets, but Ellen Phelps confided to her sister that she worried Wesley might also have killed the neighbors' pets, a conspicuous number of which had disappeared over the years.

Mr. and Mrs. Phelps placed their money for Wesley in a trust with Miss Lantz as administrator. She was given specific instructions that Wesley's college tuition was to be paid, and he was to receive a monthly allowance of two thousand dollars. Under no circumstances, however, was he to have access to his considerable inheritance until he was thirty-five and had undergone a thorough psychiatric examination. If he was found to be insane, the inheritance would go to an animal welfare organization.

Miss Lantz reported that Wesley didn't take this well and that his behavior at the reading of the will had frightened her. Instead of getting angry, she said, he chuckled and looked at her shaking his head.

She's deeply saddened by her nephew's actions and blames herself for not seeing the 'evil in his heart.' She adds that she always found Wesley to be a 'crazy kid,' that he laughed inappropriately whenever anyone hurt themselves. She suspects Wesley tried to kill her after his parents died. She was in a terrible car accident two months later when the brakes on her new Honda failed.

Walt Bates, Wesley's professor, reports his student always 'wanted to be the best' He told Professor Bates he 'admired' my accomplishments and hoped he might qualify for medical school through the master's program in forensic science. Bates also reports Wesley told him after I began teaching in his class that he wanted to become a forensic psychiatrist and hoped to intern with me and learn all he could from me.

Wesley admired serial killers to the extent that he copied their acts in all the details. I think in some ways they are his alter egos. These psychopaths received an enormous amount of attention for their horrific crimes. Wesley longed for them, but he believed he could surpass them and never be caught. He was convinced he would be 'Perfect in Chaos' if he could manage that I would be at my wit's end and he would get away with his crimes scot-free.

Wesley was possibly suffering from schizophrenia. I don't know if he believed he was hearing things or seeing things, but he certainly seemed paranoid. And his identification with serial killers suggests that he may have thought himself a famous serial killer like William Edward Hickman.

What was going on inside Wesley Phelps? Was there a second person inside him, pushing into the light? That wanted to be heard? We'll never know.

I think in some ways I'm a lot like Wesley. We both have demons inside of us. It's like my chimera ...

I had something inside me that wanted out. And I have tried all my life to ignore that other voice. The voice of my twin.

I'm writing this down now because I need to listen to my voice. And it's telling me I'm obviously in the process of getting better because I have a deep love for Nick.

I want to be free to feel what life has to offer.

I want to move on in my life.

Katherine went into her bedroom, which was pleasantly cool. It was just after seven, and the sun was peeking through a cloudy morning sky, speckling the room with light. She leaned over Nick and kissed him gently on his lips, then pulled the covers up to his chin. He opened his eyes.

"Good morning, sunshine," he said with a smile.

Katherine smiled back and eyed him gently. "How are you today?"

"Not bad for someone who was shot and impaled by the same guy within a month," he quipped. "Where were you last night?"

Katherine took a deep breath. "I fell asleep on the couch, over my brain book," she looked at the alarm clock and made a face. "I have to get ready for work."

Nick threw the covers off of him and swung his legs out of bed. "You just go to work," he said with a wink. "Someone in this household has to bring home the bacon."

Katherine rolled her eyes, kissed him, slipped out of her negligé, and headed for the bathroom, looking over her shoulder, though. "You coming?"

He quirked a brow and said with a sly grin, "How could I resist that sight?"

Katherine laughed heartily and disappeared into the bathroom and Nick followed her without hesitation.

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"You wanted to see me?" asked Katherine as she entered Dr. Galloway's office. She noticed that her mentor was making a serious face.

"How is Nick?" she asked.

"Fine," Katherine replied, nodding her head. "He's going back to work tomorrow."

"And your nieces?"

"They're okay. They're still recovering from the bomb threat in the car, but they're no longer worried about Phelps coming back to hunt them down."

Galloway motioned for Katherine to take a seat on the velour couch. Then she sat down next to her, something she had never done before. "If you're thinking about building a life with Nick, you're going to need a real job. And I just wanted to tell you that you can have one here if you want."

"But I'm not done with my research grant yet."

"There's nothing more I can teach you," Galloway replied with a slight frown. "You're ready."

Katherine was speechless. She was barely back to the hospital routine, and she really wasn't expecting that now. "But the hiring committee -" was all she could get out.

"Couldn't find a candidate who has accomplished in a lifetime what you've accomplished in the last two years. They asked me to ask you."

"But how can I accept a position I'm not even qualified for?"

"You'll be qualified in December when you graduate from the Fellowship program, and you can officially accept the position then. Unofficially, I'd like you to start preparing for this important role right away."

"I don't know what to say," Katherine stammered, caught off guard.

"Say you accept," Galloway urged. "Please. We need you."

Katherine waited for the voice in her head to tell her what she should or shouldn't do. But this time, there was no voice. Her head was clear. "Yes," she said confidently with a broad smile. "I accept." She extended her hand to Galloway.

Her mentor scowled. "I hardly think that's appropriate," she said, standing up and hugging her star student. "You are the most courageous, headstrong, and exhausting person I have ever had the pleasure of knowing. Except for Paul Curtin," she said. "And he'd be proud if he knew you were following in his footsteps. Though perhaps a little surprised."

"Thank you, doctor," Katherine said. "I don't know what I would have done without you."

"You would have done just fine, my dear," Galloway replied. "You don't need my help. You've basically never needed it."

Katherine returned to her office. She sat down at her desk, looked out the window, and wondered what Galloway had meant by her last remark. Maybe she meant I shouldn't doubt myself so much. To rely more on my gut instead of judging myself all the time. To stop living in the past and move on. Her eyes fell on a young woman standing outside in the street, her brown hair tied back in a ponytail. From behind, she looked exactly like Rosa Castillo. Katherine's breath caught in her throat. Then the woman turned and seemed to look up at her window. Katherine waved, and the woman waved back. But of course, it wasn't Rosa at all. Nor had she waved at Katherine.

A little girl appeared, and the woman reached out, picked the girl up, and spun in a circle with her. The girl laughed with such pure joy that Katherine laughed, too.

She couldn't remember the last time she had felt such unadulterated joy. And she knew everything would be all right.

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Katherine entered her parents' home and set her briefcase down by the coat rack with a sigh. The day had drained her, in a good way. She had driven to her parents' house right after work, looking forward to finally being able to spend some well-rested family time with them again, without having in the back of her mind that there was someone outside who was out to get them.

Maura had sent her a message at noon that everyone was getting together at their place and that she hoped Katherine would join them as well, of course, the doctor couldn't turn down that invitation, even though she would much liked to sit on the couch with Nick in the evening and discuss what the TV program was going to be. In the short time, little things like this had crept in and Katherine didn't even resent it. She finally felt like she was participating in real life again.

She walked into the living room and was greeted by a broadly smiling Maura, who, though engrossed in a conversation with her wife herself, decided at the sight of her daughter to just leave her wife alone.

Smiling, Maura gave Katherine a kiss on the cheek. "I'm glad you came."

Katherine nodded with a smile as well before her gaze fell on her sister and Frankie who were talking animatedly, she suspected it was some sport the two were once again at odds over.

Jane was sitting at the kitchen island making a face as excited squeals from Ashlyn's garden filtered into the house and Nina couldn't help but laugh heartily.

Nick came around the kitchen island with a beer in his hand and stopped abruptly as Ashlyn, who was being chased by Frankie's daughter Stella, who was the same age, bumped into his legs and scowled at the two girls. Ashlyn and Stella's laughter instantly faded and the house abruptly fell silent. It looked like an angry giant was standing in front of the two girls, contemplating whether or not to eat them. Each of the adults present waited anxiously for his reaction, including the girls, who looked as if they were afraid of being cut down to size by Nick. But then, without warning, he jerked his arms up in the air and chased Stella and Ashlyn away from him with a bloodcurdling roar, and the girls ran back into the garden with a much more harrowing shriek and careless laughter.

Jane made another face and slowly closed her eyes. "I think my eardrums just burst like that."

Nina gave a short laugh and rubbed her left ear in confirmation. "I couldn't agree more," she said, chuckling.

Katherine smiled broadly and shook her head as she walked over to the captain and gave her a kiss on the cheek in greeting. "Hi, Ma."

Jane smiled softly while her daughter placed a hand on her aunt's shoulder before taking a bottle of water from the refrigerator. "Hey, sweetie," she replied, "How was your day?"

"Long but really good," Katherine replied before taking a sip from the water bottle. "Dr. Galloway made me a job offer."

Jane's eyebrows shot up in surprise and a smile broke out on her face. "Did you accept?"

"I couldn't turn it down. I start in December."

"Good for you," Jane said proudly.

Nina hugged her with a broad smile "Congratulations, Kate," she said, also filled with pride.

Nick came back into the house laughing, his eyes lingering on his girlfriend. He walked over to Katherine and wrapped his arm around Katherine's shoulders. "Look who's gracing us with her presence."

"Shut up," Katherine playfully replied while wrapping her arm around his middle before kissing him in greeting.

Jane made a face for the third time of the night since Katherine had been at her parents' house and Nina grunted in amusement into her own beer bottle.

"For heaven's sake, get a room, there are children present," she grumbled with lowered brows.

Nick chuckled in amusement while Katherine looked admonishingly at her mother.

Frankie stood up from the couch after finishing his conversation with Elizabeth and whistled loudly and clearly to get everyone's attention. He cleared his throat as everyone looked at him and then turned to his sister. "I just wanted to say it's time to toast the new Chief of Detectives." He raised his beer bottle and the others did the same while Jane blushed a little. "You've earned it, Jane."

"Hear hear," Nina said loudly and the others laughed shortly.

Maura went to her wife and kissed her wife gently. "Congratulations, honey."

"How's that for a room again?" asked Katherine with a grin.

Jane growled softly, then turned her gaze to her daughter. "This here is our house. You don't even wanna know what Maura and I have done to this kitchen island!"

Nina turned down the corners of her mouth after this statement and took several steps back.

Elizabeth had turned her head toward the others and blinked several times with furrowed brows before saying, "I'd like to poke my eyes out with a fork right now, but that wouldn't change the inner cinema I'm having right now."

Frankie just looked at his big sister with a blank expression, but you could guess he felt the same desire as his niece.

Nick looked at said kitchen island with a frown as if it would come to life and attack him at any moment.

"That's information neither of us needed, Ma," Katherine said slowly.

"Jesus," Jane said a little louder. "How do you think you and your sister came to be?"

"Ma," Elizabeth and Katherine whimpered at the same time, and this time they were the ones who screwed up their faces, and Nina burst out laughing.

Katherine closed her eyes briefly and shook her head. "Let's get back to more important things," she said, looking at Jane again. "Is your promotion official?"

Jane took a deep breath and nodded slowly. "I will be moving into my new office upstairs in BPD as early as this Monday."

Katherine smiled broadly. "Congratulations, Ma."

Elizabeth suddenly got up from the couch and joined the others. "Has it been decided yet who will be our new head of Homicide?"

"I was about to ask the same question," Nick said, cocking his head a little.

Jane took a deep breath and could feel all eyes on her. "I was hoping that Frankie would take over my position as the head of Homicide," she said, to everyone's surprise.

Frankie had been as blindsided by that statement as the rest of his family. "What?"

Jane took a long look at her brother and raised her shoulders. "I was going to discuss it with you in private, but now the cat's out of the bag. I would be honored if you would take over my team. You're the best man for it." She saw that Frankie was struggling for an answer, only opening and closing his mouth repeatedly without a word passing his lips. "You don't have to make this decision right now, Frankie. Take a few days and talk it over with your wife."

Frankie swallowed and nodded slowly. "Yeah, okay, Jane."

The evening was drawing to a close, Frankie and Nina had said their goodbyes half an hour ago and Elizabeth was putting the between-seasons jacket on a sleepy Ashlyn while Nikki, packed her sister's essential toys into a bag.

Maura sat down next to her wife on the couch and sighed loudly but contentedly while leaning against Jane. "That's what I call a successful family reunion," she said, only hearing the captain humming in agreement as she wrapped her arm around Maura's shoulders. "I'd love it if Frankie and Nina would move back to Boston, then we could all spend a lot more time together again."

"Yes, that would be fantastic," Jane mumbled absentmindedly.

Maura turned her head and looked at Jane with a frown before following her and her own gaze fell on Katherine and Nick, who sat at the kitchen island grinning at each other like a couple newly in love. "Kate finally seems happy again," she sighed.

"Yeah," Jane sighed, pulling the lawyer even closer. "If Nick -" she paused, shaking her head at the thought. "I think if Nick hadn't made it either, Kate wouldn't have survived it. She would have been completely broken by it."

Maura looked up at the graying brunette and could very well see the concern in Jane's eyes that she shared. "Kate is an adult, Jane, and knows what's best for her. And besides, she's strong. You'll see, everything will be fine."

Jane took a deep breath and looked at Maura, smiling a little with a nod. "Yeah, you're right. Everything will be fine."

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All right, folks,

this is the end of the journey.

Thank you so much for giving this story a chance and I hope you enjoyed it. And thank you so much for your kind words.

Until next time

Stay healthy and safe,

T73.